Boy, am I tired today. Yesterday I had been up a very long time before I finally fell asleep, then Tom woke me up several times. He was coughing and sniffling, so I got up after 6 hours of sleep when I could’ve used about 10. I got up at 10:00 and then managed to nap from 3:00-5:00. I still feel kind of tired, but I’m alive. Again I ask myself - do I really want a kid and do I really want to get up every hour for months? Is it worth it? Is it worth being angry at God when all he’s obviously trying to do is save my life, sanity, and marriage?

Part of me wishes we had our own rooms again. That way I wouldn’t be bothered by his snoring or alarm. It’s also always dark in there cuz of the stuff in the windows making it nice and relaxing for daytime listening to music and singing. It’s quieter in there for writing. There are a few negs to his moving back into his own room, though. He’ll trash it and make it impossible to dust and vacuum due to the millions of papers that’d litter the furniture and floors. I’d also have to keep my voice way down when on the phone and I couldn’t sing at night.

Kim called who’s gonna be sending stamps. That’s nice and that’ll help. She’s going to Florida where her brother lives from the 9th-23rd. Today she’s going skiing in Vermont and said it was -4º and would only reach 16º today.

Later...

Where are those fucking catalogs Ma said she sent?

Anyway, I have a very weird experience to tell about that I’ve never experienced before in my life and it involves Kim. About 5 nights ago in a half-assed way and pretty much as a joke, I said, “OK, God. Show me a sign in a dream. If I dream of pregnancy or kids, it just may be meant to be. If not, I truly am wasting my time on an impossible dream. Show me within a week.”

Amazingly enough, I remember one second of a flash of a dream I had last night where I saw a woman with a big belly wearing blue. But it wasn’t me. I was confused at first, cuz I just can’t see God changing his mind and allowing me to get pregnant, whether or not I’m feeling positive, and whether or not Tom’s cumming. Then I told Kim about it who said that it was a weird coincidence seeing she just dreamt she saw a pregnant belly, then looked down and saw it was hers. I was about to tell her the belly was covered in blue, but then she took the words right out of my mouth and said the belly was covered in blue. So it was her I saw. Why would I see this in a dream, though?

If anyone can say they want something and then get it, it’s Kim, and I hope, for her sake, she does have the two kids she says she wants. I know she’d be a great mom, but she just doesn’t fit the qualifications for it and I don’t see it. She says she plans on getting pregnant as soon as she and Doug are married. Well, I can’t and won’t pray to God for myself to get pregnant, but if she really does marry him, I’ll ask God to please let her have the kids.

I asked Tom earlier what he’d say if I backed out of our appointment in April, not that I would. I asked if he’d say, “OK. No problem.” Or, “But I want a kid too, and we promised each other.” He said he’d make me follow through with my commitment. Wow. I thought he’d never argue it if I changed my mind. I can’t see us going to a doctor any more than I can see him cumming. I wonder why? I still wonder what ideas he could be cooking up in his head. Maybe to break the news of how he never wanted a kid where there are so-called professionals around to keep me from doing something stupid to him or myself. Who knows? In 15 months, I’ll know.

Later...

I just did Tom a favor and took out 3 bags of garbage for the first time since I’ve lived here.

Anyway, I told Andy I can no longer call people with him and wake them up at night even though I just listen in. We’ve done this twice and within 3 days after it, I get woken up. Why is it that God’s always punished and paid me back in the same way for this but never Andy? He can wake people up and get away with it, but I can’t. He can make pranks and dodge getting charged for it, but I couldn’t. He can be pushy, though, and do the opposite of what I ask more than Tom, so I hope this means he won’t be bringing up the idea of it more. He really is pushy, though. I said I hate it when we’re on the phone and he goes chatting with Michelle. He says he hates it too, but does it anyway. Mainly on the machine. I left him a message earlier not to bother calling today since he’s homesick and I’m tired. Well, that’s nice that he said he hopes we feel better, but did he have to leave 3 messages? What he told me could’ve waited. He said a wacko tenant and a maintenance guy read some Bob letters he stuck in the laundry room that I had given him.