Get this. Last night Tom said he has two sex games he wants us to play later on today. He said I may not like one of them. If he isn't full of shit, is this his way of making it easier for me to deal with his losing the bet? Well, I already knew and expected he wants and planned to lose the bet from day one and I do want to see my parents.

By the way, Tom didn't actually say, "I'm gonna make sure you're not pregnant so we can see your parents." He didn't have to as this is something I already know.

Tom explained to me about the deposit yesterday. Just like when I'd get social security and SSI, if the 31st falls on a Sunday, they pay him the previous Friday, so that's why there was money available earlier.

He won $60 with his folks at the track yesterday and tomorrow we're gonna take ma out. She needs to buy an adapter for an old tape player.

I was so thrilled to have what he made for me last night! He took my vibrator and hooked a wire to it so I can plug it in. Now I don't have to worry about batteries that die after 5 minutes.

Later...

To better describe Andy's house and surroundings, I like his bathroom better. No bathroom beats the one on Bell Road or Deerfield, but his is bigger than ours. He also has a closet in his and a similar linen closet to ours just outside the bathroom. His bedroom is about the size of ours and his living room is a little smaller. He doesn't have an eat-in kitchen. His place is much less private and his backyard is really small. The two carports are right in the middle of hers and his place.

A gay woman named Stephanie, who he calls Chrissy Heines cuz she reminds him of her, lives next door to him and is hardly ever home. Next to her is that tire shop on Thomas Street which is quite a busy street and next to him is a side street. So, he's on a corner just like us. There are apartments behind him. They look like 1-story condos side by side. He doesn't have to listen to dogs or kids. Just traffic and occasional people walking or jogging by his house.

Later...

Now to finally update on next door. They're still not all moved in and I'm still hoping and praying that they stay as quiet as they've been and that Robin was right when they said I'd never have to worry.

The day I went over to Andy's I could hear that car stereo again, but not as loud. Still, I went out and politely asked them if they could turn it down and I asked if my music was too loud since it wouldn’t be fair to blast them with mine if I wanted them not to blast me with theirs.

I also saw Jolene come out carrying the kid. She didn't seem too friendly. She never said a word to me, so I take it she’s not too happy with my complaint. Then they left.

Then that night, I heard the kid scream once at 7:30 and their windows were shut, so I don't know for sure if it was the kid, but it probably was. Then, I thought I heard a boy of about 10 yell something out twice and he sounded like he was right by the house.

Since then, though, all's been quiet and they were here this morning. They waited till they left to turn the car stereo on and it wasn't blasting, so that's nice.

Also, for a couple of minutes, I heard a sax playing from the house across the street that's two houses away from the music house, as I still call it. It's where the cop lives. I can deal with a sax just fine and anything beats drums and the bass, but I sure as hell hope that the teenager that I think was playing it doesn't end up having band practice at his house. Sometimes boys at any age can be just as wild as little kids of both sexes. I just hope I won't have any shit coming to me around here that I can't deal with.

Now for the latest bird update. They ate out of my hand and it didn't hurt at all. Then I sat on the ground with my feet stretched out straight in front of me and they ate off my calves and some would stand on my calves and walk in and out between my legs. Their claws scratched me a little and even tickled somewhat, but it was pretty cool. I took a picture of them that didn't scare them like I thought it would. This morning Tom hosed down the patio and got it looking as if birds never hang out there and says he'll do it every Saturday. 

Later...

Tom told me about the sex games he wanted to play. There's this channel where people screw, but they can't show penetration or hard dicks. There's no sound to it either unless you pay for it. One of his ideas is to do what they do (within reason). His other idea was to make up a dialogue.

The first idea sounds like fun, as long as a woman's not eating out another woman, as that'd be awfully hard for us to do with each other. Also, I'm certainly not into getting fucked up the ass and I sure as hell can't fuck him up the ass. The second idea sounds kind of boring, but I'm open to trying new ideas at least once.

Then I said to him that it's only fair that he play a game I want to play. I want him to pretend along with me that he got off to give me that sense of normality and mutuality I haven't had in years. As I figured, he agreed but didn't seem too enthusiastic about it. Can anyone (me) really suck that bad in bed? Also, can a guy really be that turned off and afraid to cum? He's just so weird!

Yesterday at Andy's house was fun. He got me $25 worth of markers and I did a palm tree and cactuses and will eventually do more. Some of the markers he got me are really cool. They're mini stampers and I'll be decorating my next journal with them.

He gave me a beautiful full-page color picture of Gloria from 1990 which I once had. It was one of the ones my mother stole. She didn't look too good at the Grammys. She's aging and has lots of lines around her eyes.

Andy thought the edits on the computer were cool and he was amazed at all my pigeons.

I took a picture of the wall art I did on the kitchen cabinets and I had him take a picture of me by the ballet legs I drew. I took a picture of him out with the flock.

Andy's house is old too, and half the size of ours. It's perfect for him, though, he loves it and has it well-decorated. It's in the same kind of middle-class neighborhood and it's quieter, but it's not quieter. You don't hear any dogs and there are no basketball hoops around, but you hear more traffic and there's a tire shop nearby. Still, I'd say it's somewhat quieter and maybe slightly lower class.

In my parent’s letter, I told them we're really sorry we couldn't see them sooner, but hopefully we will in June. Getting second shift looks good for Tom and then they'll reschedule his vacation time. Tom says he's sure we'll go in ‘96 and of course, he'll make damn sure I won't be pregnant to put off the occasion. It is worth it, though. I would like to see them, even if it's one last time.

So, Tom's only got 3 days left to win the bet he swears he'll win. Yeah, right!

Got a package from Kim with stationery, notepads, and a pre-paid video mailer so I can send her Excel tape back.

Is Twin Peaks over? Yesterday was the final episode, I believe, before they made two movies. Something else was on today, so we'll have to wait and see if they run them again or not.

Tom got us a new potato peeler today which is nice. The old one sucked and was probably over 10 years old.

Later...

As you can see, these mini stamps are pretty cool. They slip easily, though. I decorated envelopes and Tom's dresser, too.

I didn't ask, but yesterday there was a deposit envelope on the kitchen table. Tom said something about dropping off a deposit on the house. Why couldn't he write out a check? Also, if the 15th and the 31st are his paydays, then how come there was money available on the 28th?

I'll write about next door later, but right now I want to go catch up on my reading.

Well, well, well, Tom and I just might be going to Florida. Yes, I was awake to take their call. The work schedule where Tom works is already made up for the year, so hopefully Tom will be able to get the time off. We'll know in a day or so. If we go it'll be either in late April or in May for a week or maybe 4 or 5 days. Mom and Dad will be buying our tickets, of course. Tom has vacation time in September, but Dad will be in MA at that time just like he will be in May and July.

The thought of possibly seeing my parents within 30-60 days is exciting but nerve-wracking. I know they'll be impressed with Tom, but as usual, I find myself crying over the fear of them thinking I'm fat. Will they really be thinking - God, she got bigger and is all flab now! Another thing I fear is my breathing, although that's the least of my worries. How will I sleep? The last time I couldn't sleep at all at night and was tired all day and this time I'll be stuck in a bed with Tom who'll wake me up with his moving and snoring even if I can sleep. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we slept so well together that we came home, ditched the waterbed, and slept on his bed forever just as wonderfully? That's just a fantasy, though, as we've tried sleeping together in his bed and it was a disaster. His bed is also too narrow, too. The pressure will be on to keep my schedule right on and then there's my mother's bitchiness and whatever shit she might say to embarrass me or put me on the spot in front of Tom. Tom is one of the very few people that I'm self-conscious with to a degree. Most everyone else, I don't give a fuck what they think of what I say or how I look, but I do care when it comes to him.

Andy brought up a good point, though. The more my mom likes someone, as she likes Tom, the phonier she is, so perhaps she won't treat me in her old ways.

I'm also afraid that Tom's gonna be the type to say nothing at all in defense of me if my mom should say anything not too nice to me, then defend my mother when we're alone together. I don't know what it is with my parent’s persuasion and power, but this isn't my imagination. This has happened before with others.

In a way, it's like going to see two strangers since I haven't seen my mother since I was 25 and I haven't seen my dad since I was 26.

I'm gonna tell them in a letter, as I've told Tammy, that I'm not babysitting anymore because they wanted to pay me less cuz of their financial hardships and that it wasn't worth it to me. I wonder why they haven't mentioned the babysitting job to me. Didn't they get the letter explaining it? They never asked me if I could get the time off from that. All they asked was if Tom could get time off from work. See, there's still a part of me that wonders if Tom and my parents have some way that's unknown to me where they communicate. Mainly about the kid issue, though. It is really possible that they could be doing something in exchange for his making sure I don't get pregnant. I mean, it's more than likely it's his own choice cuz of his own fears and he's given that fact away, but they still could be sending money or something and it's still possible that some kind of deal was made.

I just hope to hell my weight stays down in the upper 90s, rather than 102-104, even though I look about 115.

I thought of a plan that might help keep me motivated to exercise regularly. Sticking to it has always been a problem for me. Well, maybe if I do the upper arms and the stomach exercises every other day, then do the leg exercises every other day, I won't feel so overwhelmed with it and I'll stick to it.

I'll have to have Andy come over to feed the pig and make sure our mail doesn't get all jammed up in the mail slot.

Speaking of Andy, he fell asleep really late this morning, so we'll probably get together tomorrow. He's got to give me an apron that has a torn pocket for me to sew, a video of Gloria on the awards show I missed and a newspaper article all about when she and Emilio hit that water biker with their boat. Or the water biker hit them. Also, plastic silverware he doesn't want and an old VCR for Tom to use its parts.

I've got to give him some NPN envelopes to mail, his birthday present and show him the sound bytes on the computer and whatever else I think of.

Tom slept out in the back room due to his coughing and sniffling and he said he could have been dreaming, but he could've sworn he heard pigeons outside at 2:00 in the morning. So, I guess they've really taken up residence here. They're almost always outside, even when I'm not feeding them. They're by the door begging right now. It's shaded on the patio now, so it also keeps them cooler since it's in the low 80s today. A lot of them are laying down out there now.

I had a really strange experience and I don't know how real it was. Anyway, it was as if something from deep inside me was telling me that if I happened to go outside, whenever I do, I'll hear the kids getting off the school bus and that'll be a sign of it being meant to be. I still know it's not meant to be and I swear I forgot all about it and wasn't looking at the clock when I went out for a smoke and the bus pulled up. Then while I was sitting at the kitchen table, it was like something was telling me that I'd receive a dream as a sign. I did have a dream involving a baby or a child, but cannot remember what it was all about. Only vague images that seem to make no sense. Then I could've sworn Robin was there saying something about it happening after we see my parents, but we still don't know if we will be seeing them. We just might have to wait another year or so till they get out here.

I don't see how these dreams or us seeing my parents or not seeing them changes the fact that Tom's got his mind made up. Some things do seem strange, though, and so far Robin’s been right on many of the things they've told me.

I still have to see the new neighbors be quiet for me to believe it'll still be OK once they get here full-time. I still feel the place will surely be rocking with kids, music, and ball games.

I get the feeling of forgetting to mention stuff, but if I think of anything worthwhile to mention, of course I'll jot it down.

I still wish Gloria's pictures would hurry up and arrive! And her catalog, too. 

Yesterday I couldn't keep my eyes open as late as I wanted to so I fell asleep at 4 PM. I sensed Robin telling me I'd be able to be awake for my parent’s call at 6 PM and to go to Andy's this week (along with being able to have a kid), but I awoke at 11 PM. I was wondering then, did she lie or did I just imagine her saying that? Luckily, though, I was able to nap from 3 AM to 7:30, so I just might be able to be available for their call, but don't know for sure.

This morning, I was depressed over the usual. I asked Tom how he could look me in the eye and say he was gonna win the bet for sure just to cheer me up and get me off his back. He still insists that he's gonna win it. I told him that if he just came in my hand once, just to give me one moment of a sense of normality, I'd not dance this September and we won't have to go to the doctor in a year.

I still know nothing will change him and I've got to do what this woman did who was falsely accused of murder and sent to prison in a movie I saw last night. She said she was going crazy and since she couldn't change where she was, she changed her perception of her situation. I wish to hell I could do that. That'd make things so much easier. My perception of being a singer changed, so I sure hope I can do the same thing as far as the kid goes. I must focus on the negatives of having a kid to act as a turn-off. If I tell myself I'm turned off by the idea, I just might believe that. I just hope this doesn't take 10 years to do.

It really pisses me off when he says I don't stick to things cuz he hasn't stuck to the signing or finding Robin and countless other things. People shouldn't practice what they preach.

Earlier I told him that if I'm asleep when my parents call, to please tell them I'm asleep due to a touch of a cold and that I said that if it were important that I'd like him to wake me up. He said he'd think of something along those lines, but doesn't like to lie. He really has the balls to say that! It's OK to lie to your wife about having a kid, but not OK to tell your in-laws your wife is asleep for a different reason than she really is.

He never said a word to most of what I had to say this morning and his silence really spoke volumes, just like his actions.

A comet has been visible lately. It can even be seen where Tammy is and I'm sure my folks have seen it. All it looks like, though, is like a hazy star and I don't see what the big deal is. It's hard to believe that the thing is 9 million miles away, but it is.

April 1st is no doubt going to be a day full of depression and anger, no matter how much I try not to let it be, thanks to my husband. Of course, that'll be a great day for him. I'll just have to try to remember not to give him the reaction he expects and wants. It'll be hard, though, as I'm filled with so much anger toward this little twerp who so casually lied to me about something that meant a lot to me and that's something he doesn't want to hear about, just to cheer me up. Sometimes I find myself just literally wanting to beat the shit out of him and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if I did do just that one of these days.

I should start calling him mom. But it wasn't just my mother who promised me things she never delivered or who made sure I didn't get things I really wanted, it's been lots of people. The only thing that's different about Tom is all the wonderfully loving things he's done for me. Other than that, he's just like all the others.

I really firmly believe that God had two basic rules for my life that he placed upon me when I was born. 1. To make sure I always get second best. 2. To curse me with one ongoing sexual problem after another.

The thing about the sexual problems, though, is that I got over being too tight, and not getting someone I was attracted to, but I'll never get over Tom getting over his not cumming routine. If a miracle happened and Tom decided he wanted to cum and have a kid, would he even be able to? After being so set in his ways for so long, could he even cum? His body is able to do the same thing with my hand doing him as he does when he's inside me. When I jerk him by hand, his body tenses in the same kind of way that he does when he's inside me when he gets rock hard and just about to cum. This tensing brings it down. Every time he's about to cum he does this.

I know most men aren't into kids and I wonder how many others are out there that are so against and terrified of a kid in a way, that they too, do this with their bodies, flexing and tensing their muscles in certain ways to prevent themselves from cumming just as they're about to. How many others are willing to sacrifice orgasms with their wives/girlfriends just to get out of having kids?

Somehow, I just know in my heart and mind that Tom would rather be hit by a car and in a wheelchair for the rest of his life than see us have a kid. He has not one violent bone in his body, but would he go so far as to hurt me, if that meant preventing a kid?

Imagine if one of his sperms could really get away and get me pregnant, then imagine the pain, the depression, the fear, the burden, and the agony he'd go through while putting on the straightest happiest face he could. Would he leave us? No, I don't think so. It means too much to him to never let me know that I'm right about his not wanting a kid and he's very arrogant and stubborn in that way and determined to never tell me the truth to my face. He'll lie for the rest of his life about it if he has to, rather than look me in the eye, break down and tell me the truth and risk whatever he'd have coming to him, even though he's a really bad liar. About the worst I've ever known, besides Nervous. Well, not quite as bad as Nervous. Tom wouldn't go so far as to tell me they don't have apartments in Florida if he were jealous that I'd possibly move there. He's close enough, though, and he admitted to me just the other day that while I might not mind being wrong, he does. He'd never admit I was right about him and he was wrong for doing such a cruel and raunchy thing to me.

I'm sending out Mom and Dad's letter today (Borrelli) with drawings I did on the envelope. I did a bird, a rose, and cactuses on the front and Snoopy against a palm tree with flowers on the sides of him on the back. I think I'll also take a chance and give them a call sometime, but I'll wait till after they've had a chance to get and read this letter.

Kim said in her letter that she'd send a pre-paid video mailer so I can mail her back her tape of Excel. That'd be helpful. She also said she's resigning from Baystate in a week after being there for 5 years. She's really doing well with Excel.

Hopefully, Tom will pick up 25 of those 1¢ stamps so I can use them for these postcards that we had for centuries.

As for the sound bytes, I got in all the ones I wanted and it's so cool. The only drawback to it is that it slows everything down, but the computer's already slow enough, so it doesn't really matter and it's worth it.

Tom's got another cold, not surprisingly, but we managed to have sex both days this weekend after he foolishly kept clear the hell away from me when I was mid-cycle. Now, though, there won't be any fun till next weekend. Maybe we'll do it once if I get lucky. 

Tom was reminding me that a woman doesn't hit her sexual peak until her late 30s. Oh, God! How much hornier can I be? What am I gonna do then? I'm horny enough. He said we'll just have to have more sex. Yeah, right! He can't even keep up with me now!

Another reason why I know that Tom's not cumming is self-induced is cuz he never seems upset or bothered by it. I'd think that most people with a genuine problem would be upset over it and want to get help, regardless of some embarrassment they might feel. Tom, though, is smart enough to know that a doctor wouldn't laugh at him and that that's what they do; help people. He does strike me as the type, though, to be embarrassed by it, even though there's no problem and it's his choice to not cum. I don't see how the hell he'll be able to go to a doctor next year, look them in the eye, and lie about not being able to cum. Like I said, though, whether or not we do go see someone, no one can help him unless he decided he wants to cum and have a kid. He's gonna beat the appointment. He'll either find a way out of it or make sure they fail at helping him. I know him. I'm gonna say something to him like, "They can't help you unless you help yourself and you want the help and you want the kid and the complete sex."

Then he'll say, "You're right. The appointment's gonna ruin me forever no doubt, cuz I know we can have a family on our own with no problem, therefore, you're probably right about their not being able to help me cuz I know we don't have a problem here." Then, he'll casually put the guilt on me and make me not want to go to the doctor which he'll hope for. Meaning, these are all emotions he'll want and hope to drive into me.

How can he admit he does have a problem, but say there's no problem at the same time? He does. He says he does have a problem and he's not trying to blame me which is bullshit, then turns around and says there's no problem and that we can have a family without any help.

Weird. Real fucking weird.

When you go to these kinds of doctors, they usually meet with the couple together, then individually and this is exactly what they'll say to him and me if we go.

To him: Well, from our observations, I don't think you really want a kid and that you're just telling your wife this cuz maybe you fear she'll leave you if you tell her the truth. But you've got to be honest with yourself and with your wife. What you're doing is only going to hurt your wife and possibly your marriage. You've got to be honest with both you and her, even if it's not what she wants to hear. I really think she needs to hear the truth and don't you want to get the truth out so you can then maybe talk about birth control so you can have an orgasm without feeling threatened?

To me: I hate to say this, but I really don't think your husband is at all interested in having a child. I think he's gonna fight you on it if he doesn't tell you the truth, and that as long as you're willing to remain with him, you'll never have a child. So, you need to either accept not having a baby or think about if you want to remain married to this guy.

To us: I've spoken with you both together and separately and here's the opinion and ideas I've gathered. First of all, I hope I'm wrong and that it works out for you both, but I don't think Tom here, really wants a child. If this is true, Tom, you need to get this out with your wife and also decide whether or not you want to continue to be with her. Perhaps a woman who doesn't desire a kid is right for you. And you Jodi, have to decide whether or not you're willing to remain with Tom if this is the case or if you should find someone who shares your desire to have a child. Other than this, I don't know if I can help you two.

Andy's gonna be coming over either Wednesday or Thursday to take me to his house. First, though, he's gonna buy me new markers, then I'm gonna do wall art for him.

As for one of the wonderful things Tom does, where you wouldn't know his dark side, he picked up that John Saul book for me, and it's great so far. I've already read 3 chapters.

Yesterday the birds got really close to me. I was sitting on the chair and I'd drop food straight down and they nudged under my foot and stayed there for several seconds as they ate the food that was directly under my dangling feet.

Well, I'm gonna go read some more, then watch Twin Peaks.

Later...

We now have 10 daisies coming up that my parents had sent many months ago.

They still only seem to be next door about once or twice a week. It's really weird, but I know I'd better enjoy it while I can. Once they get moved in, I know I'll hear some kind of noise from over there on a daily basis. Although, Robin, who spoke to me for the first time in a while as I was falling asleep yesterday, told me once again that I had nothing to worry about. I hope to hell she's right. I could've sworn she also mentioned something about my time coming soon to have a baby. Yeah, right! Now I've got her and Tom bullshitting me. Just what I need.

I just fed the birds who step on my feet now to get to the food I throw down around where I sit. Amazingly they haven't shit on my chair yet. They've shit everywhere else. If they do, though, I'll just flip the cushion over. That way I can flip it back down and not have to worry about sitting in shit.

In the last book I read, a guy had a pigeon coop and was telling his pal how loyal they are, and once they love you, they always do and they're always faithful about coming back to you. Yeah, I think these things would be nearly impossible to get rid of. I'd have to not feed them for a very long time.

They seem to have their favorite resting places. Some like to sit by the door and others like to sit on the roof and elsewhere. One likes to sit on the garbage can and one likes the table. Some like the AC and the swing and the old hot water tank, too. This bird really digs sitting on the garbage can. He was just laying down on it and he's so cute.

My chicken pigeon seems to come mostly in the mornings and then at the end of the day. I call him that cuz he's my only brown one and Tom wondered if he was supposed to be a chicken or if he could be part chicken.

For the last few days, I've been hearing a rooster somewhere off in the distance. I know it's way off in the distance cuz I can barely hear it, whereas if it were close by, it'd be as obnoxious as those dogs can be. Again, I wonder how the people that own the rooster can sleep, as well as their neighbors. I like hearing it, though, cuz it's different and you can't hear it in the house. 

Later...

Wow. The pigeons just came within a half-inch of my hand. As I opened their container of food, a few jumped up on the edge of the table that it's on right by my hand.

I promised my mother-in-law a picture of Piggy to add to her collection of the family animals. I took a picture of Piggy since we got film, but she got the birds too, as a bonus. Piggy sits on my lap or on the ground surrounded by the birds and it doesn't seem to faze him at all.

Later...

God, every time I write, the pigeons have done something new. There's this wounded pigeon that looks like it may have been attacked by a cat or something and it limps really bad and has a broken toe. Well, it actually let me pat it! So did one other bird. It's been staying wedged in between the hose and the block wall for quite a while now.

I just talked to my mother who says that she and Dad have something nice to say to Tom and me and will be calling us tomorrow night at 6:00 our time. So now I have to stay up as long as I can to be awake for that and for going over to Andy's sometime this week. 

What the hell do my parents have to say to us that's so nice? It must have something to do with money or them coming here or them arranging for us to go there or to New England.

Well, it looks like I just taught myself something new on the computer. The 'home' key puts the cursor back at the beginning of a line. For example, if I'm at the end of a line and want to jump to the beginning of the line, I can just hit that 'home' key instead of using the arrows or the mouse to get there.

We didn't go over to his parent’s house today cuz their company had just left and they were beat. Tom went over to Eldon's while I slept and got some CDs for doing some work on his computer. Tomorrow he's gonna go grocery shopping and pick up that book at the library.

I got up at 11:30 and he went to Jack-n-the-Box and got us a nice treat of burgers, fries, and cheesecake for me.

He's in bed now and I'm gonna be doing several things from updating this journal to laundry to TV to reading to music and other things.

Tom leaked on the chair by the computer. Doesn't he ever use toilet paper? Why is it that male parts can be messier than female parts and why do they have to have such an odor to their bodies, regardless of how regularly they shower? Sometimes I wish I could keep Tom's personality and brains, but turn his body into that of a gorgeous woman. I don't need his dick since it can't get me pregnant. On the other hand, I'd miss his dick cuz I do like to use it cuz I like variety. You can still have variety with a woman, but it's a different kind of variety and I'm not one for strap-on parts or other toys too much. I like to use the person, not toys unless I'm alone.

I did something I feel both happy about and very bad and guilty about and if Tom really ever does read - too bad. It's my journal and I can say what I want and if he were to read it and confront me about it, I'll tell him the truth that I'm about to write.

I've been doing better at accepting that Tom is the way he is and that he'll never change, but I still have my fits of anger about it and bitter resentment and probably always will here and there, even though I know that our not having a kid is the right thing and I'll be thankful for it someday.

Friday morning I had said to him that April 1st was just around the corner and asked him how he expected to win the bet. He said, "I'm gonna try." So, he went from, "I'm gonna win the bet" to "I'm gonna try to win the bet." Then the asshole has the nerve to come out and tell me that in his language both those statements mean the same thing. They do? I don't think so! Now do you think the fucking liar didn't really say he was gonna win it just to cheer me up? I can't believe what a casual and bad liar he is. I can't believe how smoothly and casually he tries to cover it up and make excuses for the lies he's said out of desperation to cheer me, get me off his back and so that he can amuse himself by playing with my head while he's at it. Some husband I've got, huh?

Then he went on to tell me that if he's demanded to do stuff, he won't do it and goes the other way. So, I did something to prove my suspicions. Before we screwed I told him I demanded him not to cum. All he did was laugh and say it was too ridiculous to take seriously. Of course he'd think that! So, naturally, he didn't cum and I told him, "See? You can give in to some demands made of you. The only demands you won't give in to are those you don't want to give in to."

So, after he left for work on Friday I said to myself - OK. You want to take away my right to have something I want, here goes your right to have stuff you want. I smashed one of his cable boxes and I'm gonna keep on smashing and destroying things he wants cuz none of his material things can ever make up for the loss he's giving me and what he's taken away from me - my right to have a child.

Later...

Now I've got to tell you about the really neat thing Tom introduced me to on the computer. I've been having a blast with sound bytes. There's this thing that allows you to add sounds such as laughing, bells, animals, and all kinds of stuff for when you're doing certain things on the computer. Like when you close or open programs, open menus, maximize screens, etc. So, instead of using their sounds, I used the multimedia recorder to record my edits. I picked out some of my favorite edits and am using them for the different places you can use them. I wonder, though, why there are only about 30 places to use them and most of them never get used too often, if at all. I wish you could add sounds to stuff inside of menus, besides when you go to open menus.

Anyway, it's really cool, but I've had to quit for now as I've run out of disk space just like I did last night.

Later... 

It's hard to believe it's already after 5 AM since I got up so much later today than I did yesterday.

In a little over an hour, my birds will be up.

I've begun working on Andy's present for next February 15th for his 35th birthday present. I just wish he'd hurry the fuck over for his 34th birthday present! And to take me to see his house.

Remember how I mentioned getting 4 journals with 112 pages in them at Walmart for $2 each? Well, I've written almost two of them and plan to write one more, but the last one I want to do up for Andy for his 35th birthday since I don't really like them all that much. The lines are too thick and the pages are too tightly bound, making it harder to write towards the center.

I guess Tom will be getting up any minute now. Tonight we may be going over to his parents' house for a visit. They're having some people from out of town over.

Tom showed me something really cool you can do with sound bytes, but I'll explain it later since I'm not really in the mood to write.

In 35 minutes, there's gonna be a movie I'll want to see. Finally. It seems that even though we've got all these new channels, nothing's been on lately of too much interest.

Tom said he knew I could do it, but wanted to see if I would do it as far as learning how to design newsletters, etc. So I used Gloria's newsletter as my sample. I did OK for the most part, but there are a few parts that are screwy that I can't seem to figure out. I worked quite a while on what I've got done so far and I'll show him what I've started and see what he thinks. I'm sure he's got advice to help me fix the parts I'm not satisfied with. 

He says I can get computer typing work with this knowledge. I hope so, cuz it's time for me to start working and stop dreaming. There'll be no kid and for me to sit around at 30 years old not having a 2nd best job and being a waste product is pretty bad and pretty stupid. Just cuz I can't be a singer or a mom is no excuse for me to sit on my ass and do nothing. I must make do with what I can do and have.

Later...

That movie didn't really grab my attention. I just couldn't get into it. There's to be a documentary later with murder confessions and shit like that that they use in court cases and criminal investigations.

Meanwhile, I'm making a few pork chops and am reading one of the library books I got yesterday which is pretty good.

Earlier we had to return our library books, so we both went to the library. I got a couple of books by authors that seem to write like John Saul. There's a book by John Saul I've been wanting to read, but they haven't had it. Apparently, someone stole it. So, the lady there said to use their courtesy phone to call over at a smaller branch and they'll send it to the central library where we go. This woman also printed out a list of authors similar to John Saul for me.

Earlier I did a general and non-detailed tape & CD inventory.

Later...

Tom and I just moved the main computer, the printer, and the desk over to the opposite wall away from the leak.

Tom told me that this morning when I was reading, he came in and hit on me. He did? How come he's gotta be so subtle and make it so unobvious? Also, if he really wanted sex so bad, then why didn't he pursue it and find a way to make it clear to me that he did want sex? How am I supposed to know when he wants a kiss or some feeling out to lead to sex or not? I'm not that psychic.

He says he hits on me all the time and is horny all the time. He could've fooled me. I think he just likes to play games.

I've had wonderful luck and have been on a major roll with songwriting in the last few hours. I've written 4 new songs.

There are lights on next door now and I don't believe they were on earlier or last night.

Tom gave a pretty funny answer to something I said to him. I said to him that if I'm not way off and have him all wrong about the kid, then he's a damn good con artist. He then said that people don't con people unless they have something to gain. Well, of course he's got a lot to gain by my not having a kid. That way he doesn't have to deal with me and my pain of the pregnancy and the delivery and he doesn't have to worry about a third party being around and the money it'd take up and lots more.

Tom brought up a very good point about next door. He believes that the reason they're taking so long to move in is that they're hardly ever home.

Boy, do I ever have some more shocking news, before I get into yesterday's events. I got a letter from Anna & Harry B! They actually wrote back to me! I was so shocked. I mean, I'd have bet everything we own that they wouldn't write back. It's amazing how the things you least believe can happen can surprise you with happening. If only I'd get pregnant next.

Anyway, it was such a sweet letter that brought tears to my eyes and I've got to copy this one in. Any letters that are rare or special for some reason, I like to copy in.

Dear Jodi:

What a wonderful, wonderful surprise we received from you and how very, very happy we are for you.

As for the unhappy things that happened, the phone calls, etc., they are gone. They were gone the minute I told you on the phone, Jodi, this is not the way that you could speak to us. And when you did speak to us, it was all gone.

That's what moms and dads do my darling. And please my nice little girl do not feel that we hold any anger toward what a little girl who had so many problems did to us.

I am just delighted that you are so safe and happy. Tell me about your husband. He must be great.

I am also happy because you have built a relationship with your biological mom and dad. That's very important and you have grown so, that you can handle that.

When we received your letter Dad said: "Wouldn't that bring tears to your eyes" and indeed it did.

We know so many people, so many people come in and out of our lives because of the business we have, but you must know Jodi within your heart that you took a special part of us both and to know that life has begun to give you a decent chance and begun to give you that worth that you always had, makes us so very, very proud of you.

Please, please drop us a line when you can - and please, please believe that your letter just made us feel so great. Take good care of yourself, keep up the good work, tell your husband that your Italian mom and dad say hello and thank you, Jodi, for remembering.

We still love ya...

Ma and Dad B

P.S. Ma Loves Ya

XXXX

Later...

Wasn't that just such a nice letter from Anna and Harry? I'm definitely gonna write them back, but I haven't decided whether or not I'm gonna call them. I know they go to Florida for a little while during the winter, but wouldn't it be nice if they ever came out here? That'd be cool if they knew someone out here like Goldie and Al did and came to see us. I wouldn't count on it, though. Perhaps if we ever go to New England, we can meet.

I don't know if I mentioned this, but Alex's friend has an international phonebook on CD-ROM. Or maybe it covers just the northeastern part of the US. Anyway, I asked him to look up Steve Hester, or more possibly Stephan H. He came up with a Stephen H in New York whose number was disconnected and an SH in New Jersey. When I call that one, though, a guy's voice came on an answering machine and it was definitely not the Steve I knew as my neighbor from Woodside Terrace in Springfield. Boy, would he be truly shocked and delighted to hear how my life has been. Not being able to have a kid may be bad enough, but it's nothing compared to my old life. Especially my childhood, Vermont, Valleyhead, and the NHA.

I think I'll ask him to look up Jai Z, but I don't think he ever had a phone. Not for the most part anyway, but by now, his life may be well established, and he might be able to afford a phone easily. I think he moved to New York City. I know he used to talk about that a lot and used to go there a lot. I wonder if he ever married Jenny L. They did date for quite a while. They were together when I moved back to Woodside Terrace in 1989 and then when they last saw me in Deerfield in 1991.

OK, about yesterday. Tom left to go to Eldon's at about 10:30 AM and I thought he was gonna be back between 2:00 – 3:00, but he didn't return till nearly 7:00 PM. I called over there at Eldon's at 5:30 to see what was up and he said things ended up taking longer than expected, but that he'd be on his way in about an hour.

I was so lonely and so pissed, feeling like he was trying to avoid me and all the more convinced he could care less about trying to make a kid with me. I was thinking of giving him an ultimatum that if he wouldn't allow me a child, then I should at least be able to see other women with no hard feelings on his part. I really felt that all he'd ever continue to do would be to just go to work, come home and eat and watch TV for a few hours, then maybe fuck just to get hard, then go to bed and beat off. All the while bullshitting me about the kid and that we'll have more sex and spend more time together doing things.

He shocked me, though, in such a sweet and surprising way. When he came home I thought he'd put a guilt trip on me for wanting him home more often and tell me to back off for about two weeks, then he'd be home more often, just like he did with the sex issue.

However, he immediately apologized and said he was totally wrong, that I was right, and that he was mine to do whatever I wanted until 11:00.

He only did one raunchy thing to me, but hey, the guy loves this shit so much and is forever addicted to it. I said to him, "OK. You can play cards with me and we'll have sex, but you've got to cum."

"OK," he said. In a sure, confident, and matter-of-fact tone of voice. Of course, though, he was full of shit about the cumming part of it, saying he's trying, and he thought that went without saying and that it's not his choice or doing to not cum. Yeah, right! Still, it turned out to be a great night. We watched an episode of Twin Peaks together, then played cards, then got ice cream and then we screwed and he also went down on me. This was so sweet of him and I told him, I don't want him to stop seeing his parents on the weekends or helping his friends, I just need a bit more time with him. Not just for sex either. I like to chat and play cards or whatever. I never thought I'd want to have sex with or spend so much time with anyone. Anyone else, I'd be so glad that they weren't home that much and had a low sex drive.

If only I could not want a kid and stop feeling like I'm not good enough in bed. I mean, this would be the perfect setup. No mess and no having to deal with birth control. This would be any woman's dream come true who didn't want to get pregnant as long as they could deal with feelings of not being good enough sexually. If I didn't tell Tom that I didn't want a kid, yet felt that way, I'd never have to be in fear that he'd cum. I'd be able to say to myself, he hasn't for over two years, so don't worry, he won't start now.

Then again, if I really didn't want a kid, he just might cum.

This is another reason why I believe Bob's innocent, besides knowing that he's too wimpy to rape anyone and it isn't his style. He told Kim that the doctor told him he had a 1 in 5 million chance of fathering a kid. Well, we all know that almost all rapists and murderers have kids.

I got a letter from Kim today with 3 Bob letters enclosed and that newsletter from Gloria.

I wish Tom would hurry up and get home. He's working on Eldon's computer now and hopefully, we'll get a new TV from him. He supposedly has several. With Tom knowing how much I want a new TV, he may not be too persistent about it.

I think he's using the weekends not only as an excuse to help his parents and make extra money but to get away from me.

Before he left yesterday and today he teased me with feeling me out all over, but when he comes home, he'll wait till he's ready for bed, fuck just to get hard, then he'll probably jerk off in bed.

Today was the perfect example of how people call when you don't want them to and they don't when you do want them to. Tina called from that meeting line and I asked if she got Jodi's message. She said yes and I told her I was her sister-in-law and that Jodi will be in Florida for about 4 months.

She didn't sound one bit butchy. In fact, she sounded kind of young. Like between 15-25.

No one's been next door today which is weird. Are they even all moved in yet? I guess not if they aren't simply working. I hope to hell that teenager stays away and still assumes the net is tied.

I have some pretty shocking news. Remember how that kid who plays basketball told me a black woman with a 13-month-old son was moving in and then I had gotten a feeling about it? Well, late this morning I was sitting at the computer when I heard the obnoxious thumping of bass. So, I looked out front and a black guy was out there killing weeds with his car radio blaring. I asked him to please turn it down and he apologized, then introduced himself as Mike. I figured he was a worker for the house, but according to him, he and his girlfriend and their 1-year-old daughter moved in two weeks ago. Holy shit! I thought and told him that if they're always as quiet as they have been, then they're my dream neighbors.

Anyway, they've been moving in little by little and I guess they're all moved in now.

I never met the girlfriend Jolene cuz she was working, I guess, and I never saw or heard the kid. He said she was asleep.

Oh, so it’s a she.

There are only two things I'm wary about. His 3 nephews were happily playing ball on and off (yup, he freed the net) and I wonder just how often they'll be visiting, as well as other kids.

He also said they're thinking of getting an expensive dog that doesn't really bark and there's no way he'd leave it outside 24/7 (I told him about the M's kids and dog).

I also wonder if they'll leave their windows open all the time so I can very clearly hear the kid.

So far, except for the ball-bouncing nephews, Robin has been right as far as when they told me not to worry about the new neighbors. Time will only tell, though, just how quiet they really are.

He told me they're looking for a babysitter 5 days a week from 6 AM - 3 PM, but no thanks. That's an awful lot to put out for someone else's kid, in my opinion. If I'm gonna get up daily that early and slave my ass off entertaining it for so long, it's gonna be my kid and that's never gonna happen. I told Tammy and my parents, though, that I did take the job. I’m just sick of hearing them get on me about a job.

The rain has finally stopped and it's warm and sunny again. I washed the towels we used to soak up some of the leaks and aired the place out, so now that musty smell is gone. Tom says that we'll have the roof fixed in time for the monsoon season. I hope so. He took an educated guess that it'll cost between $100 - $200 to fix.

I did end up calling Janet back and her voicemail came on. I left her a message telling her that Camp Naomi was a Jewish camp. If that helps at all, good.

The mail ought to be here any minute and hopefully, that stuff Janet's sending will arrive.

My birds are cooing away out there. They just got a new bag of bird seed, so they're happy.

I also laid out for a while and am definitely gaining color little by little. I do look slightly burned but don't feel it, so that's good. At least my burn is more brownish and not such a bright pink as it always used to be.

Tom's moved onto a new step of his ongoing game with me. He talks about moving forward and millions of couples make up and have sex. However, he uses the perfect excuse to not have sex for a while. He says that after an argument, he can't just bounce right back that fast. Perfect excuse.

He also says that he realized he was making a mistake by trying to figure out his little problem. He said he thought it was a mechanical problem since he worked out everything else, but it's not. Meaning, it doesn't matter what angle we screw at. Then, I guess he hasn't worked everything out. He has this notion that if he sits back, forgets about it, and doesn't do a damn thing to cum, he just will. Right! Once again, does he really think I'm that stupid? Doesn't he know I can see right through him?

Every single fucking thing he suggests doesn't work and he knows it won't cuz he knows the real reason as to why he won't cum. What's he gonna do? Suggest a new thing every few months that he knows isn't the problem just to keep playing this fucking game?

This really isn't helping me either. I feel more and more turned off by the thought of us close cuz of knowing deep down how he really feels. I'm really fucking tired of this abnormal freak and being one myself. And I'm still so angry at God and probably always will be.

I kind of sort of told Andy this sick and weird secret. He was telling me how he doesn't like Quinn teasing him sexually and I said I knew how he felt cuz I get the same shit from Tom. He said, "Really?" So, I told him how he has such a low appetite for sex and how I feel cheated out of my prime sexual years and teased, and how it's obvious that he doesn't want a kid.

Then he said, "That's so weird. Most guys would be all over such a hot-looking thing. Usually, it's the other way around. It's not the woman chasing the guy for sex, it's the man chasing the woman for sex."

Yeah, yeah, I know. I don't need any reminding of how abnormal we are, and our sex life is. Obviously, Tom can't find me all that hot looking, now, can he?

Later...

Well, my official "fuck off" letter just arrived from Unsolved Mysteries, but they did send a list of places that might be able to help. The only question is how much do they cost?

I called and told my dad who'll tell Mom as I'd planned on once I got the official notice. I called to tell Tammy too, but she had company.

I also got a letter from Gloria's fan club saying that they're giving me another year's worth of membership for free due to the way they fucked up and delayed sending me anything for a year upon mailing in my membership application. All I've gotten is one newsletter and one picture. They say they're gonna be sending another newsletter, a catalog of their merchandise, and color photos.

I know my mother and I can just see her "oh brother" expression when Dad tells her about Unsolved as I'm sure he's doing right now. It's kind of funny when I picture it. I guess they just never know what I'll be up to next.

I got an invoice for $15 due for a cat magazine subscription. What pushy and deceptive little pricks! All I ordered was a free sample magazine and nothing more. Of course, they were too cheap to give me an NPN envelope, so I just ditched it.

Later...

Tom's home now, of course, and I told him and showed him Unsolved Mysteries letter and Gloria's. He says he'll help me find out whatever we can with some of those organizations Unsolved recommended. I'll buy that when I see it cuz he's already bailed out on me as far as checking too many things. He says he's got a new idea of where to look on the Internet, so maybe that'll help.

I was right in predicting that the 14th wouldn't be too cool of a day at Tammy's. This happened after we spoke yesterday morning. Bill's got a bad upper respiratory infection, Sarah's got pink eye, and Lisa's PMSing.

Tom's gonna be writing the last page in my paper journal. Cool. I like it when he and others do that. I wish I could have pages written all in a row by Tom, Andy, Alex, Kim, Bob and Tom, and my family members.

We very well may be getting a new TV this Sunday. Tom's friend Eldon and his wife Diane are TV fanatics and he'll give us one in exchange for Tom working on Eldon's computer.

I've got several letters that I've been too lazy to punch and throw in a binder, so I guess I'll do that tonight at some point. Tomorrow we're beginning our spring-cleaning project and I'll be starting with the music room. We're also gonna make a list of all our stuff so we know what we do and don't have.

I hope Andy comes over soon enough to get his birthday present. I also hope to check out his house sometime soon and hopefully Tom and I can both go over there together sometime when Andy's all set up.

Well, it's time for journal 109 now!!

Entry by Tom:

It's Saturday morning. It seems to be a great weekend starting. I am going to visit my parents today. I looked at the music room and think that there is not much to do in that room. I don't think any furniture needs to be moved. I would like a list of tapes and CDs. I also want the outside of the chest of drawers cleaned. I feel that doing the whole house will make it easier for me to keep my stuff in place. I feel like this is the start of a whole new part of our lives, we will be working together to make the most of what we have. I am starting a workout program today. I think I have lost enough weight and exercise is what I need now. If I stick to it I should be in good condition by the end of April. By the way, I really, really LOVE MY WIFE JODI!!

I still can't believe Unsolved Mysteries actually called. Hopefully, that literature will come before too long. Probably even before Monday since it's coming from CA. I wish there was something else I could give her or tell her so that she could recommend it for airing, but I just don't have anything else and am certainly not gonna make up lies. I hope the stuff she sends will be enough to get a name and find out if she's dead for sure or alive.

Here's another classic example of something happening without warning cuz I didn't believe it would. I didn't have any vibe or sense I’d be coming out here, or meeting Tom, let alone marrying him and I sure as hell was caught off guard by Unsolved Mysteries calling.

Tom's mind works in mysterious ways, that's for sure. He's kind of punishing me right now by not giving me very much sex. If someone I loved requested it of me, I'd do everything in my power to do what they wanted the first time they asked me. Not after they've asked me several times and then not even at that point.

When I mentioned Tom's passing up opportunities for sex, then crying no opportunity, he said that if I don't bother him about it for two weeks, then we'll have more. Oh, that's lovely. How very sweet of him. Like this really makes me want to have more sex with him? I don't think so! Not with that attitude. If he wanted sex more often, he'd have it without his wife asking him for more and without punishing his wife. It's a real turn-off to know that this man has to really psyche himself up for sex with me and that he'd go to such lengths as to punish me for asking for more sex by denying that to me. It's a real shame too. How would he like it if he asked me to hug him more often and I didn’t? So, then he asks me a few more times and I still don't. Then, I turn around and tell him that if he doesn't ask me to hug him more often for two weeks, I'll hug him more often. What a fucking joke! Wouldn't that tell Tom that I really wasn't interested in hugging him more often and wanted to punish him for requesting that of me? All the while I was lying to him about something that meant a lot to him year after year while I got a kick out of it. How can anyone do such a thing? What the fuck goes through his mind? Doesn't he ever feel the slightest bit of guilt? Isn't he ever sorry for lying to me for at least a second?

I went to call my mother earlier, but she was busy having her taxes done.

I called Tammy too, and so far all seems to be OK there and I hope it stays that way.

I've told Andy, Kim, and Alex about Unsolved Mysteries calling me, but I haven't told Bob yet. I won't mention it to Tammy and my parents till I get the official "we're not gonna be able to air this" notice or call.

The work that Tom did to fix the back roof was a bust, unfortunately. Just when it looked like it was gonna work after he slaved away at trying to fix it. The back wall is leaking heavily and who the hell knows when and how we're gonna be able to ever fix it. Who the hell knows how much it'll cost? Could be anywhere from a couple hundred to a couple of grand to fix, so, for now, we just have to deal with it.

Later...

For a moment I was tempted to call Janet back and ask if there was anything else I might be able to do to help her recommend it for airing, but then I realized that that's not gonna help or influence it one way or another. Their minds are made up.

To tell you more of what she asked me yesterday; she asked me how come I don't remember her name if she meant so much to me. Cuz I was young, had a lousy memory back then and it's common to not realize someone's made a difference in your life for the better till after they're gone out of your life.

She also asked me to tell her about my childhood which I kept brief, yet to the point. I don't want to make this a case of my abuse as a kid when it's supposed to be about my search for someone. 

When I told her how I was rebellious and did not like the camp and got kicked out she said something like, "You really didn't like camp, huh?" and I said, "Let's just say that I was not a happy camper."

I also explained to her how Robin really made me feel cared for and understood when everyone else was so hard on me. I told her I'd love to find her so I could thank her and let her know what kind of a difference she really made in my life and that I never forgot her.

She also wanted to know all I've done to try to find her on my own and that's quite a bit, of course.

Tomorrow's the 14th and I hope I'm wrong about something bad happening to Tammy or her family. It's a moderate to strong vibe.

Last night and the night before Tom didn't take the opportunity to have sex that he says he can't get, but he did go down on me last night when I asked him to.

I played his game this morning and told him, "I don't like the strong vibe I've got saying I'll be working in September, so tell me what I want to hear."

He said, "You won't need to be working cuz you'll be pregnant. Or at least on your way to being pregnant." I was wondering what took him so long to tell me that I'd at least be on my way if not pregnant. How can you be on your way to getting pregnant? You either are or you aren't. I told him, though, that that wasn't good enough. I had to know I was in September in order to not work. I'll be working. Trust me.

Otherwise, things are fine, but the weather's a far cry different from how it was over the last few days. It's cool and damp out. It rained last night, and it looks like it'll be cloudy all day and drizzle here and there if it doesn't really rain hard.

In 10 minutes, Twin Peaks will be going on.

I vacuumed the back room, kitchen, and living room this morning.

Yesterday, while I was reading, this incredible urge to work out came over me, so I did. I showed Tom when he came home how well I could do push-ups and he was quite impressed. Yeah, I was shocked myself, cuz I didn't think I could do them at this point, even though I couldn't do too many.

Later...

It's really, really windy out there now and since awnings seem to like to wake me up, I hope I don't have to worry whenever I go to bed. First it had been their awning next door, then when it was really windy it was the metal awning outside of the bedroom window that rattled and squeaked me awake. I guess the pigeons don't mind since they're still out there having a ball in the yard. There's been way more clouds and wind for the rain, though. 

Later...

I absolutely do not believe it!! Unsolved Mysteries called a little while ago! I spoke to a woman named Janet Jones who obviously considered it for airing, otherwise why would she call and not just send me the information on how to find people that she said she'd send? She really was looking for reasons to recommend it for airing and asked me if I had a photograph or any more information for her about Robin. I also told her what I've done to try to find her.

I'm amazed they called so soon, but I highly doubt they'll air it. I know they've aired cases with people searching for people with a lot less information than I have, but I think she's just gonna send me the stuff that may help me find her myself. That'd be nice, too, but I still can't believe they called. I'm absolutely shocked that they did and I still hope to hell they air it, but I can't see why she'd suddenly be fully convinced to air it or be able to convince someone else.

Last night Tom showed me our new Animouse he got off of AOL. It's got different cursors and pointers that are pretty cool. I'm using the fish with the bubbles that come out of its mouth.

Last night Tom also said something he promised to stop saying, but I just played along with him, determined not to give him the reaction he wants and expects.

We were talking about different types of dancing I could possibly get into in September and then what does he say? He said, "By September you'll be pregnant and we'll have nothing to worry about in the way of finding the right job for you right away and it'll all work out."

My heart said, "Yes! That sounds great and that's what I want."

My head said, "You liar! Do you really think I'm that stupid?"

What he wants is for me to get all psyched up on that happening, then for me to be let down while he teases me some more and he laughs to himself. Uh-uh. I'm not giving him the satisfaction of that.

Later...

Yesterday I asked Alex two "guy" questions. If a guy could really feel like he had to pee with a hard-on and also if he could hold back from cumming if he had to. He didn't make himself clear on the question about the pee, but he told me what I thought he'd tell me as far as the holding out goes. He said he could hold out longer to enjoy the sex more, but not hold out entirely.

I talked to Tammy yesterday who said Becky and Sarah were taking Karate classes. For $200 a year. Where the hell does Tammy get that kind of money?

I'm trying to decide if I want to go out and get some more color or what? I sang and I don't feel like singing anymore or doing any house cleaning, so I guess I can take a day off from laying out with the bees and watch some movies I've taped and read.

I may not have mentioned this yet, but we've got a thing to send away for this thing that's supposed to keep bugs and bees away from you within 15 feet. They're only about $4 and I think we'll get 2 of them. That'd cover the whole pool area. I just hope to hell that at that price they'll work. I also hope we can get them before too much longer.

I wish we could afford to get the tapes and videos I saw advertised on TV about attacking anxiety. It cost $300, but it looks like it may be pretty effective, and it had several different things that it's supposed to help you with. Like obsessive and scary thoughts and all kinds of things. They say that no matter what's going on in your life, you can be a happy, positive person. So, even though my husband's telling me one of the worst lies you can tell a woman, it'll help me to deal with it and accept it while being happy at the same time? I wish!

I am so fucking pissed off and frustrated with this man. I'm so sick of him denying things he did say and using shit in life as an excuse to lie to me and to get out of shit he swore he'd do.

He told me to do what I want as far as meeting other women. Now he says he's hurt by it but I know it's only an excuse to seize as an opportunity to get out of cumming. He says he wants to think about the bet for a week. If he really wanted to cum and have a kid, why does he need a week to think about anything? He then had the nerve to tell me that he didn't say to do what I wanted as far as other women go, he said that he said I'd do what I wanted to do anyway.

Again, he drops hints about the fact that I'm right and that my gut instinct really is trustworthy, then when he realizes I caught him, he covers it up by insisting that I either misunderstood him or that he didn't say whatever it was he said. If he can't fix it, he denies saying it. He tells me I'm smart, but I can't believe how dumb and naïve this guy really thinks I am and doesn't he have any clue as to what a bad liar he is? Can he be that stupid himself?

He said that I could use my mind power to try to influence him sexually, but that it wouldn't matter anyway, cuz it's not gonna affect his consciousness or what he chooses to do. See? He admits he chooses not to cum. Then when I questioned him on that and he realized he slipped, he denied saying this.

Then I asked him if he was glad that there are doctors that exist to help us if he can't cum. He said he doesn't think about it cuz he knows we can have a family without a doctor and that nothing's standing in his way. Nothing's standing in his way? Then why can't he cum and doesn't he realize that's another admission of the truth? Of course nothing's in his way cuz it's his choice and his alone to not cum.

I see more and more what a joke this April appointment is gonna be. It's useless cuz he's gonna beat it and make sure that it doesn't help him. He doesn't want to be helped. If I didn't suggest a doctor, then he'd never go cuz he doesn't want to be helped. All that's going to happen at that 1997 appointment is that the doctor's gonna tell me my gut instinct is right and that if I want to have a child I should think about staying with him cuz he'll never give me a child cuz he doesn't want one. That's all that's gonna happen. Then we'll come home and Tom will still insist that he does want a kid and is trying everything the doctor's told him to do, but he feels pressured and there's no opportunity, and going to the doctor has ruined him and he'll never be whole again, but that we can still have a family anytime now. He'll say this when I'm 31 and 32 and 33 and all the way up till I'm too old to have a kid.

Why oh why can't I say to myself, "Hey. No one gets it all and everyone gets hurt and lied to. He just can't bring himself to tell you the truth cuz he fears what you'd do to him and then he couldn't tease you with having a kid anymore. Just let him play his game, accept that he doesn't want a kid and that you'll never have one, and love and accept him as he is and the many wonderful things he has to offer."

I reminded him that in September I'm going back to dancing and I don't want any guilt trips put on me cuz we made a deal. I know him, though. Since he's not gonna ever give me a child, he's gonna then use that as an excuse to not cum. He's gonna say he's too stressed out and worried for me to cum. Millions of humans go through many stressful and hectic events in their lives, but that doesn't seem to stop them from having a normal life, so why does he have to be so different?

And then there's God. Why can't he just leave me the fuck alone sexually? Why has there always got to be a problem? Do I need to kill someone to get mutual sex and to get a kid? Probably. But no can do, so no kid or mutual sex.

Yesterday he offered to go down on me, but I told him I still had my period. So, we went to screw and believe it or not, I couldn't get off. I was just so turned off cuz you could practically smell how one-sided it was and how he just wasn't into it and acted like it was a big chore just to get me off. The sex really sucks a lot. I'm so sick of having sex with this guy that's not one bit attracted to me and who is so fucking terrified of a kid and so fucking terrified to tell me the truth. He's so afraid of me that he can't tell the truth and he's so afraid of a kid that he has to make sure that for the rest of his life he can never cum. What a life! What a healthy and fun life. Well, he must really see something really good in me after all to do this. I can see him afraid of me beating the snot out of him if he fessed up, but why is so afraid of my leaving him? I know he doesn't want to tell me for those two reasons. I know he's sure in his mind that if he fesses up, I'll either beat him or leave him. Why would he be afraid of my leaving him though? He can get by alone just fine and he can always find a woman who doesn't want a kid and who doesn't have any at all. He told me that if I came out and told him that I didn't want a kid, he'd feel disappointed and confused and then he didn't know what other emotions such as anger or whatever could follow. Bull fucking shit! He'd be elated. Who's he think he's kidding?

I think I've remembered to mention all that was said in our conversation that we had yesterday pertaining to this never-ending bullshit.

I do have some good news. The basketball net is still clipped. For how long, I don't know.

A few days ago, I sent Tammy a message letting her know just how warm it's gotten here and she sent me a message that had me totally cracking up. It said: Who cares? I hope you get the worst sunburn ever. It's freezing here with 8 inches of snow.

Then I wrote back and said that even though the weather was so warm, even hot out in the direct sun, the pool is still way too cold. I got a reply to that saying: Who cares?

So I wrote back: HA, HA, HA!

I saw Denise Austin on TV earlier doing step aerobics and other exercises that aren't on her 1-2-3 Tone-Up video that I've got and sent her a letter asking her if this was all I needed to do to achieve the results I desired. Also, how I can get myself to stick to it. It seems I do it, then I slack off.

Now I'm gonna go throw on a suit and go out and get me some more color while I read my library book. Then I'll make pork chops and do dishes.

Later...

Forget that! it's way too hot and I don't need but a few minutes here and there to get sufficient color. Besides, I don't want to get sun poisoning. I just turned the fan on behind me in the back room here and what a difference it makes. I've been inside now for about 7 minutes and my skin is still very warm to the touch.

With my luck, what I did yesterday won't work at all. On the other hand, if God's in a really super great mood and happy with me, it'll work. I found a metal clip that sort of looks like a paper clip and clipped together the ends of the metal net of the basketball hoop. Now I had to stand on a chair to clip the thing, but someone of Tom's height of 5' 10" like that kid can reach it and unclip it. I can totally picture and wouldn't be surprised if that kid came, either alone or with his two pals, and unclipped it and played away somehow just knowing I was the one who clipped it, and having the intention of telling me it was never clipped to begin with if I came out and questioned it. Hopefully the boys, and anyone else who works in the house or lives there will be stupid, but people tend to be stupid when you don't want them to be and not so stupid when you want them to be.

Barely a minute after I came back inside from clipping the net, I saw a car (maybe a Bronco or a Blazer) pull up to almost under the carport. It looked like the driver was getting back into the car after stepping out of it for which could only have been a minute. It looked like it may have been a teenager, but who knows if it's the one who plays there.

Shit. Maybe someone really is being surveilled.

The carport is too dark to see if a car is there and it's too dark to see if the hoop is still clipped, but we'll just have to wait and see if I hear any ball playing. I'm tempted to tell Tom, but on the other hand, he might want to unclip it while I was unaware of it just to irk me with the kids and their ball playing. I just hope they don't come over and ask about it, but of course, I'd deny it.

Tom's off, of course, for the next two days. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't initiate sex to get me back for calling those women, but we'll see. Sometimes he surprises me.

Speaking of those women, I called their mailboxes back yesterday afternoon when I could finally get in. I told them I was sorry, but they wouldn't be able to call me cuz my mom just died and I had to fly to the state of Florida. If Tom didn't get any calls last night while I slept, then it either worked or my shortness and femininity were a turn-off.

I already feel much better since my period is tapering off. The thought of never having a kid and that my husband's telling a woman one of the worst and most cruel lies doesn't seem to hurt me as bad as it can. I like it this way. I wish I could always feel this way. Better yet, as I've said before, I wish the thought of having a kid was as repulsive as eating dog shit for the rest of my life. It'd sure make my life much easier. Also, then again, and as I've said before, God would just replace it with something else. There'd be something else I'd be dying to have that I couldn't.

No mail yesterday. Just a Bob letter with the same old shit. He said something about getting ready to go to court, then if that failed, he'd try again. What's he talking about? I thought he said his appeal got turned down. I didn't know he had a court date at all. Well, for his sake, I hope it works out.

In Kim's letter to me, she told me she sees us moving in two years and me pregnant in ‘97. God! How can she and Tammy be so stupid and naïve about Tom?!

Since this is my life and I've lived my life and this is how it'll be staying with no more significant changes, I probably won't be writing to my parents, Kim and Bob as often anymore. I mean, there's just never anything really new to say. What can a person who stays at home with no job or kid say, other than the usual? Just how I'm doing and how Tom's doing and that's pretty much it.

The weather's been gorgeous here and they say that Sunday and Monday it'll be 90º. That's far different from what they're dealing with in NE. There it's freezing and they've got lots of snow and more on the way. This winter, they've had their record for their amount of snowfall.

Yesterday I just had spotting, but I sure do have my period full blast now. In a few hours, it'll taper off, though. 

When I have either PMS or my period, reality really settles in. I know Tom's full of shit about the kid. Tom's not gonna cum by April 1st, but I wouldn't be surprised if he lied about it just like he did during the end of 1993. He can't fool me, though. If he came inside me, I'd certainly feel it and some of it would leak out and I'd know it and always have in the past cuz I'm small. To me, it's very obvious when a guy cums. He couldn't lie about it by hand cuz then he'd know I didn't see it, but then again, he's such a bad liar anyway who thinks I'm so naïve and stupid. At least I can count on feeling better soon enough and you know that after my period is my favorite time. I'm not so bloated or watery and my moods are more stable and knowing I'll never have a kid is so much easier to deal with.

I shouldn't have said something I said to Tom cuz it's gonna make him do it and I wasn't awake enough yet when I said it. I had wondered if our having all these new channels would make us be glued to the TV (especially him) and he said no. Then yesterday and today I woke up to him watching TV and said something about him watching too much TV and something like, "You've been watching TV for 5 hours?" Watch. Now I'll bet he'll go and deliberately watch so much TV. Tom's kind of like this. If you suggest he's a certain way, he'll live up to your assumption as long it's not something he's afraid of or against. He's not afraid or against TV, but if I accused him or make an assumption that he'll cum, that doesn't mean he'll go and cum cuz that's something he is afraid of and against. Also, if you ask him to do something, he tends to go the other way if it's something he's not afraid of or against. If I asked him not to cum, for example, this doesn't mean he's gonna go the other way and do so, cuz like I said, that's scary and a no-no to him.

I didn't have any dreams with my dad in it that I can remember, but I dreamt of my mom. I got a letter from her and she apparently wrote all kinds of weird sayings on the envelope, but I don't remember actually reading the letter. She wrote all kinds of weird and senseless stuff on the envelope like Andy and I would write or say over the phone when we used to make prank phone calls. All I remember was something about it being hot in New Hampshire.

I think I forgot to write about the weird dream Tom had. He was at Mary's house and Dave was there and he had a hamster. Mary then did something on her computer to change the hamster into 10 worms, then change it back to a hamster, then to 10 worms again. Then when she went to change it back to a hamster to stay that way, she couldn't do it. I can't wait till the next time I see her so I can ask her if she made her hamster that she really has into 10 worms using her computer!

I thanked God last night for making the dogs quieter, if he really had anything to do with it, and asked him to please give me the power to help Tom cum and to please let us have a kid. Yup, I finally got up the nerve to pray to him for what I really want for about a week now, probably a little more, but I still feel I'm wasting my time. If I pray consistently, though, for a while, at least this will reinforce for sure what I feel I already know. That God's not gonna budge on the issue. Then I can work all the harder on doing some type of work somewhere.

Later...

I'm already being punished for what I did last night as I knew I would be. I know I hit the record button to record Twin Peaks at 9 AM, but it didn't record at all.

For some reason I can't explain, I got through on that meeting line and left 3 women replies to their ads. While I was doing this, though, I felt so guilty and I wish to hell I didn't do this. I asked Tom what he honestly felt about it and he said he felt disappointed that I'd throw the relationship away cuz things come up where we can't have sex that much.

Well, I partially agree with him. We can have sex that much. Yet things always come up. He's just not into like I am. I realized, though, that if it were him with the higher sexual appetite and me with the lower, he wouldn't try to get some other woman for sex to supplement the difference.

I love him and I must take him as he is. That means with little sex and with no child.

I also told him that I'll take any punishment he sees fit to give me if this was what he wanted to do. I said he could punish me by making sure I don't get pregnant for another year or two. I know he'd never get me pregnant, but he's gonna seize this as the perfect opportunity for why he couldn't win the bet. Let him, though. I know I deserve it.

The only thing that really pissed me the fuck off was that he had the nerve to come out and say that I said I was gonna do too many things that I didn't do (simply cuz this is what I say he does and he always accuses me of the same things I accuse him of). But who the hell is he to say that after promising me a baby for over a year which has been a lie and then so many other things? Maybe it's not just me who'd make such a lousy parent. Maybe he would, too, cuz if you can lie to your wife about serious issues, you can lie to your kid about serious issues. Then why is God against us having a kid? Cuz I want one, I guess, and probably many other reasons.

Anyway, I just feel like I can't do anything right lately and that nothing I say or do is good enough. I feel hurt when I'm negative and hurt when I'm positive. Feeling negative and that things won't work out is a bummer and it's a bummer to be positive, cuz then I only get let down and realize I got psyched up for nothing. I fail when I try; I fail when I don't try. I fail when I'm negative; I fail when I'm positive. I keep telling myself, get some kind of career going! Do it and get real and stop wasting your life doing nothing and living on dreams.

Why wasn't this free meeting line in existence when I was single? What a sure sign that it wasn't meant to be, huh? Then again, if it were available before I met Tom, I'd still have gone through the same old shit.

I tried to call the number back and the 3 girls I called to tell them my mother died and have to fly to Florida so don't bother calling, but it just rang and rang when I called. I hope they don't call cuz I'm short and feminine, but cuz I don't want them to call, they'll call. I told Tom that whoever answered if they call, can just say there's no such person at that number.

I've definitely "lived my life," though. My dreams are over, and they are as impossible as jumping out of this chair and onto the moon. There is nothing else in this world that could happen to me that won't be second best or lower. God's given me everything he's gonna give me as far as first best. This is it. This is my life. I have the perfect husband (almost), I live in a beautiful place, I have a roof over my head and food to eat and more, and I'm in good health, so why can't I be happy? Why do I need anything else? Why do I need a child? Why do I need to put my body and mind through so much abuse by having a child? Why do I want to throw my life away on a child? Isn't what I have enough? Why can't I appreciate the freedom of not having a child? Why can't I appreciate that I've got Tom all to myself? Why would I want to go adding a third party to our relationship? Why do I always have to want something that's either the wrong thing for me or that I can't have or both?!

I finally got a DJ at KHITS to play Dog & Butterfly.

I saw 3 people that do genealogy on Unsolved Mysteries and according to them, their long-dead ancestors helped them find out stuff about them from beyond the grave. Interesting. I wonder if I did genealogy that'd happen to me? It's hard to picture that happening to me, though, cuz most of my family has the habit of not liking me very much. Remember? I'm supposed to be crazy.

I don't vibe this. In fact, I have a strong vibe that this won't happen, but Tom may be flown to either Texas or Nevada for a week to work the third shift at one of BOA's offices there. He's pretty sure it won't happen either. It'd probably be in Vegas if he did get sent off anywhere and he said that hopefully, if we could borrow the money from someone, I could be flown to him at the end of the workweek.

What if he's really planning on saying he's sick and using his sick days for a vacation in Vegas in which he has hidden money to get away from me for a while cuz he knows I'll really never be pregnant and that we won't need the sick days for that? No. I do know better than that. At least I sure hope I do and should think I do.

He's also gonna see if he can transfer to third shift here in Phoenix, of course, cuz then there's more money. He says we're not running or walking, but we are at least crawling out of debt. Also, if we were caught up on our bills, yes, we could afford a kid with the $1200 he takes home a month.

I still have a strong vibe that something big will happen in 1997 which I hope won't be going to any kind of a doctor, but I have wonderful feelings about June that are pretty strong too. The only thing I can think of is that it's job-related. That's when he's eligible for new jobs anyway, so I think that's got to be it.

We haven't screwed yet, so I haven't really had the chance to see if I can "mind power his dick" which I doubt anyway, but I'm working on a couple of other things. I know it sounds funny, but I'm seeing if I can influence my hair growth and the craters in my thighs with my mind. We'll see if there's any noticeable difference in about two weeks.

The DJ at some station Andy recommended for requesting that song I wanted to hear made me promise I'd mention him in my journal if he played it. He played it right away and I just made another request with KHITS.

I got to level 50 again on the first try.

Later...

I'm sitting at the computer now, typing stuff that I'll copy into my journal later. Tom's sitting next to me working on his computer. He still has symptoms of a cold, but he gives me credit as far as making it much easier on him with my mind. He also said to try using the same technique to help him sexually but subtly. And hopefully, he won't be scared or doubtful to block me. 

We have no clue as to why that guy has been staying next door at night, but Tom brought up an interesting theory. Maybe they're surveilling the pig across the street for something. After all, there are enough corrupt pigs in this world.

In a little while, I'll be watching TV, so I'll discuss a very weird experience I had later.

Later...

Andy called saying that every 6 months or so Fran calls Donna's grandmother in MA looking for Donna. Donna, of course, lives out here and is married and pregnant. I was really shocked to hear this. Why would he call her every 6 months and not me? You see, this is why I believe he's got to have lost my number and can't remember my married name. Thank God, though. I wonder why he doesn't try to look up Andy's number through information. He ought to be able to remember Andy's last name. Maybe he's assuming Andy's not listed.

Later...

I just took time out to fry up some fish sticks.

I called KHITS and requested Dog & Butterfly by Heart. The DJ said he'd "try" to get that on for me. In other words, he's not gonna play it.

So far, it looks like no one's staying next door tonight. 

OK, now I'm gonna get into a long, weird, and complicated story that'll shock you. Then again, maybe it won't. Who am I talking to when I say "you?" I don't know. Cuz as far as I'm concerned, I can't see anyone really ever reading these journals of mine, but who knows or cares right now?

I may have mentioned this before in a subtle way somewhere throughout my writing about a certain ability I accidentally discovered I had when I was around 9 or 10. I have had the ability to communicate through photographs. Not just any photograph and the person does have to be looking straight into the camera, cuz for some reason, I have to be able to make eye contact in order for the vibes, power or connection, or whatever you want to call it to go through.

Although I knew it was for real from the get-go, I wondered if it became real cuz the pictures I did this with were always celebrities who I liked and cuz I didn't have anyone else to talk to. Especially when I was younger. Never in the last 20 years did I question it, though, and feel it could be just a product of my imagination. I know what's real and I know what's fantasy. I know this has never been a fantasy. 

I believe that those pictures of Farrah, Jaclyn, Kate, Linda, Gloria, and others I used to have and talk with were there for me cuz of not having anyone else. Who knows? If they hadn't ever been there, maybe I would've done more serious, harmful things in my life to myself or to God knows what. 

Some of the pictures would become "different people" so to speak. I could have 5 pictures of Gloria and only 1 or 2 of them would remain her and her alone. Others would become other people of other heights, weights, hair lengths, etc. They had their own names too, and somehow, they'd tell me all this and allow me to be able to see all this. When I look at one of the pictures, it's not that it doesn't look like just what it is - just a picture. However, there's a feeling that I can't quite put a finger on. Just like with Robin, only Robin's a spirit. Well, Robin isn't someone I can see or feel or hear in the way that I can with someone like Tom, Andy, or other human beings. The pictures are similar to the way it works with Robin and most spirits, to a large degree. It's sort of like we communicate by telepathy, even though I've kind of got to interpret what they say as they say it to make the conversation flow more naturally and understandably. They can hear whatever I say and see whatever I do as long as I'm in their range of vision and hearing, just like with any other human being. They can feel me if I touch them, but not at all like humans can. I don't believe they can smell or read, either. Somehow, I just know they can't. Not too well, anyway. 

To others, they're just like regular pictures, although there have been some people that have claimed to feel different around them and feel the life force emanating from them.