What a gorgeous night it is out there now. There’s a full moon out and the moonlight is so beautiful. Everything’s lit up in such a way that makes it so peaceful and comforting. I can see any creatures that might be out there to avoid them. The moonlight is so bright that half the pool is lit up to where I can see straight through to the bottom and the moonlight rippling on the water was almost hypnotic. I contemplated going skinny-dipping but decided not to. I have so much to catch up on here.

Today was very hot and humid. It’s to be more humid tomorrow, too, and the monsoon season is officially here early, says Tom. We have the AC going now for the first time this year and we may need it for at least a few days. The humidity in here was 70% at noon when I got up and when the EC was still on.

I’ve finally found a more enjoyable way to work out. Well, rather than doing it to Denise’s video where she blabs away and plays that pitiful music, and rather than doing it to TV where I lose count, I’ve been throwing on my headphones and exercising to my music. I hope I can stick to this.

The other day at Mom and Dad’s, Ma said she’d bake chicken wings by dipping them in buttermilk first, then seasoning them. I had Tom get some buttermilk and I dipped some wings in it, then seasoned it with garlic salt. It was pretty good, but I liked them fried the best, even if it’s not too healthy.

Dad looked awful the other day and is steadily getting worse.

Tom and I were curious about when some things were done, so I looked them up by using the search mode and going through my computer version journals. A certain set of pictures we just got developed was shot last August 31st, so I guess that’s the last time our pictures were taken and we definitely have to take current ones soon. My last hair trim was last October 31st, and I thought October was when I began feeding the birds, but apparently not. It was last July.

Tom turned 39 yesterday.

I absolutely don’t believe it. No one’s home at all next door. However, it’s still early, so we’ll just have to wait and see as the weekend’s still young. Robin might be connected to this, but I’ll get into it later.

I’m gonna go listen to music for a little while and maybe sing, and then I’ll definitely touch base with what’s going on.

Later…

There are lots of birds out there now. Nearly 40. I’ve got to cut the population in half, but I hope that doesn’t mean losing some of my favorite ones.

Anyway, Andy hasn’t gotten me yet to work on the cat. He overslept the other day, but I told him not to worry about it and that we’d get to it eventually.

Tom only had to work half a day yesterday. He got off work yesterday at around noon and today he’s working half a day too. He left at 11:00 and will be home at 4:30 and then we’re gonna go see his folks.

Tom’s birthday was pretty good, and I hope mine will be, too. I hope any day is better for me than my last birthday.

When he came home yesterday I put a long skinny candle in a snack cake for him after making him his favorite - hotdogs.

Then we went to the mall and developed pictures which we’ll show his folks today. Some came out OK and some came out blurry. Especially the ones that were close up. I didn’t know you couldn’t shoot close up and I guess that that means that when we get the last roll back in the mail that we sent away to have developed, the shots of the birds on my arms that I took will be blurry. I guess I’ll have to have Tom shoot them on my arms and lap. The pictures we got of us were shot about 10 months ago, so we’ve got to take current ones since Tom’s thinner and my hair’s longer. The bird pictures that were included were from before they were brave enough to come near the patio, let alone on me. They’re from when they ate on the blocks in the back of the yard and a few of them show them getting drinks from the pool. There were also wall art pictures and stuff like that.

I’ll be sending Tammy and my parents some pictures and I’m gonna have more copies made to send to them as well as to Larry. Also, I want to send a couple to Anna & Harry. Believe it or not, there’s one picture in there where my face looks OK, but my hair and body actually look pretty good. Also, there are a few stupid pictures that I don’t know why I took, but I put them in the inner covers of this journal. There’s one of the display of that big stuffed animal, journals, and other stuff that we set up on the kitchen table to film and print out posters with. That’s when we were in business and were doing that PrintBIG program. One is of my bead collection and the other is of my journals on their shelves, but this was when I had only 97 of them.

Later…

Got a Bob letter. Nothing new.

Yesterday we browsed around in the mall where we got the pictures and I saw a really cool journal with fruit patterns on its pages and quotes and sayings, too. I’ve got my heart and mind set on getting it someday. Meanwhile, I still have about 244 pages worth left in my current one and one other one. We didn’t end up getting anything else other than the pictures and ice cream.

The Humane Society sent me 5 animal cards. Dogs and cats. I sent them to my parents, Larry, Tammy, Kim and Bob. I also sent Tammy that $35 towards Ma’s ring in the fancy floral envelope. I’m making one like it up for my parents, then I’ll do one for Larry and maybe Anna & Harry too.

Well, I think that’s the basics of all that’s been happening.

Just one more thing, before I get into Robin and other stuff. My parents called me when Tom was at his folks' place and they got my letter in which I addressed my feelings. They said they understood and that it was a nice letter and they explained to me why it’s not easy for them to come out here and they say they might come out one at a time. Sounds good.

Then they called back later when Tom was home to wish him a happy birthday.

Yesterday we screwed earlier. At around 4 PM, so not to my surprise, he never went up top. Probably felt it was too risky since he was more awake (not that it’s my time to ovulate if I really do and am fertile). As we were about to screw, though, I thought I sensed Robin for a second saying, “This is it,” but I didn’t think anything of it.

Bullshit or not, I don’t know, but Tom claims to have had a missed orgasm. I guess that’s where you cum and there’s no doubt about it as always, but it’s really slight. You know you came, but you feel like you barely did. So he said, “I don’t know if our definition of a missed orgasm is the same and I don’t want to get in trouble here or have you think I’m lying or playing with your head, but that’s what it felt like to me. My heart was beating normally, then it went really fast and I felt like I had a total release go through my whole body.”

Do I think he’s telling the truth? I don’t know. He may be and he swears he is and swears that he still really did cum in the winter of ‘93. Well, females have missed orgasms where they barely cum and they don’t get too wet down there afterward, so I guess it’s possible that males can experience the same thing. Just like in the winter of ‘93, I felt no more juice than usual. I just hope he isn’t gonna end up lying and insisting that he cums every few times, but that he just doesn’t squirt anything. Overall orgasms in males have to squirt something out, so if he starts claiming regular and normal orgasms, I’ll be very suspicious and very doubtful.

Then it was bedtime and as I was lying there, I was worried about next door and what antics they could create throughout the weekend when Robin popped in on me. When she did, there was no anger or fear on my part. I just figured, oh well. She may have lied to me and fucked with our electrical stuff, but that’s about the extent of it. She hasn’t done anything worse than anything else that I’ve received from other sources, be it Tom, or whatever. I just lay there still and numb as she began to tell me, this is it. The new phase. Tom’s about to start cumming and it’ll be regularly enough. We will have that baby and I won’t have a miscarriage and I probably won’t need a C-section. She also said not to worry about next door this weekend and that Tom wasn’t kidding about his missed orgasm.

Well, I don’t know about any of the stuff except for the fact that so far she’s been right about next door. She also told me it’s OK to doubt her or feel certain negative feelings towards her cuz as far as she’s concerned, I’ll believe in her once things she says will happen do happen. Also, Robin said it’d be best if I put a gag order on myself and didn’t tell anyone what she told me till after the fact. She said that if I told people, it could subconsciously pull them against her words, but not intentionally.

Andy may be picking me up today, but I don’t know yet.

Not much is going on at the moment. I’m just doing this awesome floral design on my sister’s envelope. I’ll also do one for Larry and my parents. In one of my journal covers too, perhaps. Or in my sketchbook.

I’m waiting to see if Andy calls, about picking me up to work on the cat.

Tom said I misunderstood him when he was talking about evolving, but he didn’t clarify or explain himself. Maybe he will on our mailbox thing we’ve been using on the computer where we leave messages to each other.

I asked him what we should do about the appointment and he said to wait till we get closer to it, and then we’ll try to reach an agreement. 

We’ll never reach an agreement. Not as long as I’m the only one wanting a kid and not as long as he’s the only one saying nothing is broke.

How do you agree with a guy who always insists he’s gonna cum, but never does?

I’m not gonna design inner covers that are colored, like this one’s colored in a deep purple, or covers with patterns or designs. Only white covers that I don’t have too much stuff on like cat photos and stuff like that.

Well, Ma gave me a really good book to read, so I’m gonna go read some more and take a break from all this drawing I’m been doing.

Also, Tom really loves all his envelopes.

I finally got an email from Tammy this morning. It’s about time she was online. As usual, though, she didn’t answer half my questions and she didn’t tell me how many messages there were from me. I hope they all got to her. She says to send $35 towards Ma’s ring whenever we can.

Got a letter from Bob the other day who says my letters are weird and he still cannot comprehend them.

Gee! I wonder why?

They have a new classified section on AOL. I saw people leaving ads for artwork they wanted as well as for artwork they wanted to do. I’d like to leave a few messages of my own. Meanwhile, I’m sure Tom will enjoy checking it out to see if he can find a job for him that hopefully is with computers. I intend to find a job somehow and somewhere. I made it clear to Tom that my days of sitting around while he makes false promises to me are over. I’m gonna get a real life and stop dwelling on dreams that died or dreams that could never come alive and true.

I made it clear to him how mad I was over the fact that he sometimes helps others before me and how he always seems to keep his word to others, but not always to his wife. Especially with things that really matter to me. I told him I thought it was rather sad that he’d jump to help me if there was something physically wrong with me, but no, we can’t go to a doctor to get our sex lives straightened out and to see about what to do about having a kid. Instead, I have to sit and suffer on and off while he tells me nothing’s broken.

He explained something to me about the missionary position. It made sense, but at the same time, I don’t buy it. It’s just another excuse as far as I’m concerned. He said that we have to get used to a missionary position and adapt to it. He says he’s still paranoid about putting too much weight on me and he needs time to get comfortable with this position. He’s been comfortable with other positions and he should be comfortable enough with this one to get off. It’s just one excuse after another with him. He’d just rather fix other people’s cars and computers and see me go through what I’ve been going through and take care of my health rather than get me pregnant. It’s just easier for some people to bullshit people than face and tell the truth.

I was thinking of doing an art project for me. Doing art for others is great and I love doing that, but I thought it was time I did something for me. So I took the last handful of journals and checked their inner covers. If there’s room enough, I may do drawings on them.

Now I must go get cracking on the rest of his envelopes.

Later…

I finished the envelopes. Nice to have that out of the way, even though I enjoyed it. I don’t enjoy how sore my back gets after a while, though.

Andy left a message saying tonight’s a good night for him to pick me up after work to work on the cat, but I’ll be on my way to bed at that time. Since he has the next two days off, though, I’ll hopefully be able to get over there after he gets up to work on it then.

Later…

I just remembered something. I asked Tom the other day how he’d feel if I were pregnant. Now, I don’t buy this, but he said, happy, excited, and anxious, and that he’d be looking forward to it. Then remember how I said I asked him how he’d feel if it were me who never came? Well, if he can’t answer pretend questions and questions about situations he’s never been in before, then how come he could tell me how he’d feel if I were pregnant? He had no problem many months ago telling me he’d be fine with it if I didn’t cum.

I just don’t know how I’m ever gonna be able to turn this anger I have towards him and the depression I still have here and there about not having a kid into something positive. Just when I think I’m over it and am moving on, I’m stuck in the same old shit as far as my emotions go. I try to tell myself not to be angry at him, cuz God would never allow me a child anyway. And cuz of all the good he has in him and cuz of all the horrible things that come out of having a kid. I’ll do anything to forget about having a baby. Anything to get him to stop teasing me and lying to me about it. Anything to kick this issue out of my life, for once and for all.

Why does God hate me so much? Why does he want me to have all this time on my hands? Why does he not want a purpose and a destiny for me? I can’t have a career, I can’t be a mother, I can’t be anything? I’ve tried for these things and I just don’t know why God won’t help me. If he won’t help me achieve these things, why won’t he help me forget about a kid and help me settle for something else? Guess I am settling, though, since I’ll never be able to do the things I really want to do. I just don’t understand why God wants to punish me so much. How many more years am I gonna have to feel the way I do?

I heard just what I needed to hear on TV just now. A judge in Florida gave a man who murdered his former wife custody of the kid he had with his second wife, even though he was a murderer, and not to his wife cuz she was a lesbian. So, in other words, you can have your kid if you kill, but not if you sleep with the same sex. Gays and lesbians are of no more harm to their kids than straights are. Not as long as you keep bedroom stuff in the bedroom and don’t do anything more than kiss or hold hands, whether you’re gay or straight. That judge should’ve been fired, the murderer should’ve been executed and the lesbian should have her kid. And what makes the case sicker is knowing that God helped see to it that this murderer got the kid and that the lesbian didn’t.

Yesterday I really blew up at Tom following the fact that he spent nearly 6 hours at Eldon’s and we didn’t even get the monitor he said he’d let us use. Then he spent 4 or 5 more hours on the phone with Wendy answering her computer questions. By the time he wanted us to “get close,” I was beat and had to go to bed.

He said he was sorry we didn’t get time together, but I told him, “Hey. You chose Eldon and Wendy over me.” Then I lost it. For once, though, he really seemed sympathetic and understanding and sorry, rather than irritated and he didn’t turn it on me. Still, even though I lost it and had to get it out, nothing’s ever gonna change. He’s got his priorities and goals made up in his mind. I told him, though, I’m tired of coming last. If someone wants something from him, no problem. Meanwhile, he won’t give the child to his wife that he promised we could have. I’m just so sick of other people’s needs coming first and the TV and the computer coming first. He keeps his word to his fucking friends and family, but not to his own fucking wife. Well, doing for others is great and I don’t want him to stop that, I just want him to put me first and to put his actions where his mouth is and follow through on the promises he makes to me. Other people’s needs come right away, but I was told I had to wait to see a doctor with him back when I wanted to go and I had to suffer in the meantime. He’s lucky I love him as much as I do. Most other women would’ve said, “Fine, you can do for others, but I have needs too, and I need to go to a doctor and get our sex lives straightened out if possible and I need us to do what we can to get help having this kid we said we wanted. Our needs should be first. I shouldn’t have to sit and suffer and worry about it while you falsely promise me you’ll be cumming soon and that I’ll be pregnant soon and that nothing’s broken between us.”

Then he said “I’m sorry. You were neglected today and I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re so angry and I’m trying the best I can to get you pregnant. I want a kid more than you know, but I can’t get you pregnant tonight.”

No, he couldn’t have gotten get me pregnant last night, but he’s had a couple of years in which he could’ve if we’re both physically okay and he hasn’t. Why can’t he just either admit he never wanted a kid or get help a long time ago?

I told him I just can’t trust him with a lot of things. Not all things, but a lot of things. If you can lie about a kid, you can lie about anything. I’m sick of the fact that it seems that the only way I can get attention is if I’m having a crisis or if I literally cry out to him. I wish I could come first and in between his parents, Wendy, Eldon, the TV, the computer, and not last.

I told him I know I’m not perfect and I was sorry if I sounded selfish and spoiled, but this is how I honestly feel and I just had to tell him, even though it’d never do a damn bit of good.

I really should spend more time being busy or with Andy and break my words and promises to him so he can see what it’s like, but I just can’t do that without feeling guilty. Not if I can help it, anyway. I did so, though, this morning, but not intentionally. He told me last night he wanted sex this morning, but I overslept. Do I feel guilty? No. Did he seem bummed about it? No. He says he’s psyched at the idea of seeing me tonight, though.

Yes, Tom is a very busy person, but he needs to balance things better. If he spent less time on the phone or at other people’s houses or with the TV and the computer, then maybe we could do more together. And he wouldn’t have to cut out other stuff that much to make sufficient time for us, either.

Another thing I’m so fucking sick and tired of is his goddamn contradictions. A long time ago I had asked him how he’d feel if it were me that never came and he said he wouldn’t feel bad at all and he’d just see it as how I was and let me be me. I asked him again the other night and he said he didn’t know how he’d feel cuz he can’t imagine how he’d feel in a pretend situation. Now, this isn’t someone’s feelings or opinions changing with time. This is a contradiction.

We do have some good times where we laugh, joke, tease each other, and just have fun, but it just doesn’t seem like enough times, though. The times we spend together seem so rare and so short.

Now I really get how frustrated Brenda and Kacey were with me since I had a lower appetite than they had.

Yesterday wasn’t made any better by the fact that I accidentally dropped one of my doggie mugs. I figured there’d be a casualty sooner or later, but at least it was the Cocker Spaniel which is my least favorite. So now I only have 5 left and hopefully, I can get a Husky or a German Shepherd soon enough.

Tom “says” that he wants to get the 3 rolls of film we’ve got shot up developed with his birthday money, but we’ll see. That’d be nice since they’ve been ready for development for quite a while. We just didn’t have the money for that these last several months. I can’t wait to check out the bird pictures, as well as other stuff. I took a few new pictures of them with a new roll I just loaded in. I got some of them on my hands and arms and one of them at the edge of the pool while I was in it.

AOL has a classified section now, which we’re both gonna check out.

I’m still contemplating getting a hysterectomy, so as not to have to deal with periods and Tom’s teasing me about having a kid. If I were smart, I’d have gotten one done long ago since a kid really isn’t destined with or without Tom. Reminding myself of that helps ease some of the anger I have toward Tom. It’s just the principle of the point. You don’t lie to someone and play with their heads about something that you know means a lot to them.

Not a peep out of next door all weekend. The only time they were heard was in the music room, said Tom, when they were barbecuing. Then they went in and ate and shut up. There were two Blazers there yesterday, but when I got up at 6:00 this morning there wasn’t one vehicle there.

I dread next weekend, cuz if there is a pattern, this will be the weekend they’ll freak out. Every 3 weekends, they’ll probably go wild. Tom said we’ll be busy together, though. We’ll see about that. But busy or not, I don’t want to hear their shit.

Tom explained to me more about what he has in mind to do with the envelopes I’m making up for him (I have 5 left!). He says he wants to open them up from where they’re glued and spread them out into a sheet of paper. Then he wants to film them on the computer with the camcorder. Then he wants to print them out and fold them into envelopes. That way we can make copies of however many we want of certain drawings to use to make envelopes out of. That ought to be neat and if works out really well, I’ll probably do more drawings for envelopes. Also, we still have to back up my directory and scan in my newer drawings. Yesterday I did an envelope that he and I both were quite impressed with. I drew frames and did different flower scenes in them. Yes, flowers are certainly my best. Wish it were people, though.

Later…

I just got done giving Tom a hard-on. It’s his favorite time for that anyway, and then he went to bed. Right now I’m sure he’s finishing the job.

He came home in a great mood. Maybe he feels guilty. He said that be it sexually or not, he’ll not evolve if he doesn’t want to and then he sometimes will when he doesn’t want to. Oh, so I guess that was an admission of the fact that he hasn’t wanted to evolve. I reminded him that he’s him and I’m me and that’s not gonna change. We’ll see, he said. We already have seen. At least I have, anyway.

Earlier, we played cards and he helped me go through the steps of backing up my directory. He also deleted a word I accidentally added to the dictionary.

I’m getting kind of tired now, so I think I’m gonna try to go to bed now. If not, maybe I’ll write more later, or read or do something.

Yesterday we went over to see his parents. Mary was there, too. Tom mowed and I vacuumed and Ma gave Tom $20 and me $10. With it, I got 3 new pairs of underwear. Mary gave Tom $85 for working on her car.

I now only have about 11 envelopes left, so that’s good. I’m really pushing it and straining to think of new ideas to meet the deadline.

Still quiet next door. What did I do to get so blessed and lucky? Anyway, it looks like the guy traded in his red sports car for a Blazer and that she doesn’t have a car now. Tom saw that old guy bring her home yesterday. Out of the total of about 8 cars that I’ve seen there, I’ve only seen 1 lately. I just hope they don’t make up for their peacefulness with a weekend party.

I asked Tom if he found out a secret about my family and he said no. He also said that when I knew what the secret was, it’d make me happy. I know he likes to play the instill-patience-in-Jodi game, but I really think he is full of shit and that there is no secret. I’m getting more sure of that.

We have things we tease each other with and one of the things he says to me in a teasing way is how he gives into everything I want. I don’t think that’s very funny and I also think it’s rather insensitive. I gave up the idea of trying to see if I had a shot at having a kid with him for him. Action-wise, he said no to a kid, yet I’m still here and that’s a big thing to get your way with, which he did, even though I may not want a kid as much these days.

Speaking of the subject, I saw a true documentary about a guy who killed three 8-year-old boys, then had a son himself, upon going to trial and getting convicted. Once again, how can anyone say God doesn’t make mistakes? The bulk of this world’s parents are animals. What did God say to this monster? He must’ve said, “Good for you! You killed 3 little boys, so now here’s a little boy of your own.”

Sick. Really sick.

From now on, I’m not gonna mention when I get my periods to Tom cuz I want to how much of it is God or Tom that makes sure we don’t have sex 14 days after my period. I think it’s both, but why? It’s just so ridiculous and such a waste of time for God or Tom to count the days when there’s no danger of my becoming pregnant. If Tom really wanted to know, though, he could just keep track of my female supplies and he’d also see pad and tampon wrappers in the bathroom pail.

Well, I think that’s it for now. I don’t think I’ve forgotten to mention anything else as nothing else has really been going on, but what else is new?

His parents are still pretty much the same, but I guess that’s better than if they were doing worse.

One of my birds is in the window watching me type. Yes, I’m typing some of this stuff up first, then I’ll copy it into my paper journal. The only time I usually type is if I have lots of stuff to tell about, so who knows why I chose to type this time. Getting used to it, I guess.

I’ve been kind of tired on and off all day today which is a mystery. I slept long enough. At least I think I did. So, I think I’m gonna go veg out, be lazy and just relax till I crash. I’ve been up for about 12 hours, anyhow.

I just did tons of cleaning around here and now all I have left to do is vacuum the bedrooms and the bathroom. Of course, I have to use the hose until we get a new brush for the upright. The kitchen floor could still use a good mopping but the counter and appliances are clean and every room has been dusted. The living room, kitchen, and back room have been vacuumed.

They’ve been so amazingly quiet next door. I heard someone leave at 10:40 AM, as usual, but they played no music whatsoever.

Andy left a message saying we can have his shower curtain which is pretty. I hope it doesn’t blow all around as some do, cuz ours is old, ugly, and falling apart. I really wish we had shower doors.

Well, I gotta get working on Tom’s envelopes.

Yesterday I finished the book Ma let me borrow which was good.

After I mention a couple of things, I think I’ll be all caught up and will have mentioned the basics.

The only other report I can give is that Tom’s dad isn’t doing too well, as expected and his mom’s arthritis and diabetes are no joy ride either.

Steven is in town, so that’s nice.

I saw a show called Paranormal Borderline and in one segment, there were those doom profits talking. I hope they’re quacks, cuz they’ve already been known to have made deadly accurate predictions.

The segment that really got me was one where a 15-year-old boy was in an accident with his mother. They were in a car when a small plane crashed into the car. The mother pushed him down on the floor of the car. He lived and she died. Years later he married, had kids, and became an alcoholic and a druggie. Regardless of God’s ways of helping to create parents like that, it was mainly due to his feeling guilty and sad about his mother. So he and his wife went to this guy who claimed to be able to contact the dead. He brought her there so he could tell the guy that his mother didn’t blame him for the accident and that she loved him and all that stuff. Supposedly he also told them stuff about them that he couldn’t have known. The thing that got me was how he was saying spirits can and do interfere with electrical stuff like TVs, phones, radios, and more. This is what I’ve been trying to tell Tom, but he feels that spirits can’t influence the physical world, but that they might be able to influence a person’s personal being.

I can’t wait to show him this show and see what he thinks.

The other thing is that we had great sex earlier. Tom said we’re progressing really fast. True. It does seem that way, but will it last long? And where will we progress to? Will he still ever get off at least every few times and have me really feeling like a “whole and fulfilling and fulfilled woman?” 

Do I still believe he’s scared or has something wrong with him? Yeah, I’d say one of these is the case and that the first one’s the most likely, but he did have me wondering for a minute there. I guess the best thing I can do, which I’m learning to do, is just believe what I believe and deal with it and then maybe, just maybe, as much as I doubt it, he’ll prove me wrong at least once.

Now I really understand why Brenda and Kasey were the way they were. Always horny. It feels so good to be at my peak, though, and to have blossomed so much sexually and to have him in the mood more often. Sometimes I still don’t get sex enough, but at least I don’t feel that constant feeling of being sexually starved and deprived.

What I was able to do was go on top of him. I could before, a few times, but it didn’t really work out. The angle was off and I just couldn’t always get him in there and keep him in there. After he got me off in our sideways position, though, it was a piece of cake due to my being opened up and lubricated really well. It felt so good to my clit too. Especially since my pussy’s just about bald, so I could feel it really well. If I were really horny, I could probably get off that way. Tom really loved it and said I made his night and I only hope he didn’t finish what I started when he went to bed.

Yes, spontaneity is just as great as thought-out plans and it’s great that we have so much more variety. In the past, it was usually just his going down on me and our sideways position that we had to choose from. It’s great that he’s been patient enough with me to teach me angles, speed, etc. It eases that abnormal feeling of mine.

If he came every few times or so, that’d still be fine with me, cuz I know a good build-up is always almost as good as a good orgasm.

Women will always be more attractive to me from an overall, clothed point of view, but now, I can’t imagine ever living without Tom’s dick as part of my sex life, any more than I can imagine living without him. I really, really do love this man and realize just how blessed I am. I also know that I’ve sounded really hard on him, and whether or not I have just cause to be with a few issues, I know I want to be with him forever and I know that throwing him away over a few bad things would be stupid when there are a million wonderful things about him. I’d never find another person like him in another guy or woman. I’d rather be alone, or better yet die than be without him. Yes, if he ever comes out and tells me he never wanted a kid or still never came, whether I knew why for sure or not, I’ll still be here.

I asked him if that was the secret (my going on top). I thought that maybe he just knew somehow, that it was time now and that the time was right when I was ready to be able to do this, but he said no, that’s not the secret.

Would I feel like there was nothing left to strive for if he did cum? No, cuz we’ve developed enough sexually to have the fun last us a lifetime and still be exciting and now there’s more variety for us to choose from instead of just oral or sideways and we can always still experiment and try new stuff.

I’m on my 6th envelope for Tom, so hopefully I can get cracking on those and have all 20 of them done by his birthday.

I’ve got 4 of Tom’s envelopes done and I’ve got 15 more to go. I’ve got 5 done actually.

No, I haven’t gotten any more clues about this little secret of Tom’s. I’m pretty sure it’s a surprise trip.

Tom showed me another way to turn the pool light on, so I swam earlier.

When I got up today I was hotter than hell, so I went out for a quick dip in the pool. Meanwhile, the birds were pretty frantic and desperate for food. They’re so impatient now. They dive on top of their food bucket before I can reach it and peck impatiently at my hand. I wave firmly at them to try to shoo them away, but that doesn’t work and of course, I don’t want to swat them. Then they follow me to the edge of the pool as I dive in.

I do have more to write about, but first, I want to see if I can request that song of Linda’s.

Later…

Why the fuck does the words I’ve added to the computer dictionary keep disappearing? If Tom isn’t playing games with me then what is? I didn’t mean to add Gloria’s name with a small g and now I can’t figure out how to get into the dictionary to delete it.

I evicted Tom from my directory. My directory’s getting quite big, so I asked Tom if I could kick him out and he showed me how to.

This is weird, but K-LITE says they don’t do requests. Since when does a radio station not do requests?

Here’s another weird thing. Next door’s been gone all day. They haven’t been there since at least 4 PM till now. I never heard them come home last night and I always know when they come home. Fine, though.

Yesterday I asked Tom if the secret was a one-shot deal that only happens once, when and if it does, or if it’s an on-and-off thing, or if it’s for always. He said he doesn’t know. I still hope to hell this has nothing to do with cumming or a kid which isn’t gonna happen. He did say, though, that he found out about this secret, so it can’t be sex or kid-related. I think he found out about something pertaining to a trip. I had asked him if a secret, in his book, meant that he was told something or heard something or if it was an instinct thing, or if it was a thought-out plan of his that he intended to carry out. That’s when he said it was something he found out.

Next, I should ask him what my reaction to the secret will be, in his opinion, but then again, what’s the point? He’ll tell me whatever it’s all about soon enough unless he’s bullshitting me.

Now I’m gonna go make some pork chops since it’s cooler to cook at this hour, and then watch the tube.

Wow! Been married for two years as of yesterday.

Yesterday and today sure have been busy days. I got up yesterday at around 1 PM and Tom was already at his parents’. When I first got up, I headed for my coffee and cigarettes, like I usually do. Then I got a bad feeling about next door. I asked myself, why do you have a bad feeling about them now? It’s early on a weekday.

Then, sure enough, I heard and saw a black girl, about 10 years old, playing ball. Only for 10 minutes, but what did they do? Call their friends and tell them to come over all the time just to piss me off cuz they’re like most people are and that’s opposite doers? If I’d written them a note asking them to be even wilder, they’d be quiet as all hell, I’d bet.

We were out for 6 hours, but I’m sure it was crazier than hell around here while we were gone. If not, it was only cuz God knew I wouldn’t be here. We took off to his parents’ house at around 2 PM yesterday and we returned shortly before 9 PM.

They were obviously watching the game, and at the end of it, one of the freeloaders went out back and screamed something for a couple of minutes, then I heard visitors leave at 10 PM. It seems like there are at least 5 kids and 5 other adults that they’ve got coming around regularly.

Let me back up now to the events at his folk’s house. We cleared all the stuff out of the sewing room and that’s where they came and set up a hospital bed for Dad. While we were waiting for the bed, I browsed through some of Ma’s paperbacks and found one to read that I’m borrowing.

The fucking freeloaders came blasting in just now. Can’t they ever drive in without anyone knowing it? What selfish, rude, ignorant, and obnoxious assholes! Totally desperate for attention.

Anyway, Dad came home with Mom and Mary as the guy was setting up the bed. Then the respiratory therapist came and set up his oxygen. He was tired and in some pain, but very happy to be home.

Mary went and got us stuff to eat and Dad’s prescriptions and then Ma showed me a pretty funny letter from her niece in Michigan. She said every paragraph was “HA!” Sure enough, all throughout the letter, I counted 16 HAs. It was weird.

Later…

I decided that Tom should have some of that money we agreed on me having to get him something he wants for our anniversary and his birthday, cuz that was only fair since I don’t have the means to surprise him with a gift. So, he’s probably gonna get underwear and he also says he’d really like the envelopes I’m drawing up for him. The envelopes are no surprise to him, but that’s what he really wants and that’s what matters.

Last night I was really worried that I’d end up sleeping all day today, but Robin came and said don’t worry about my schedule, don’t worry about next door for the weekend, they’ll still hardly ever be noticeable and I’ll still be pregnant soon. So far, she’s been right. Except for that bassy entrance, we haven’t heard a peep out of them all day. There aren’t even any lights on over there now, which is surprising.

I got up at 2 PM today, and then we went to the art store where I got an absolutely gorgeous journal, which will be my next, and those 3 pens I’ve wanted.

Then we got Chinese food for me and he got Arby’s. We came home, ate, and went swimming. There sure were more duties on that patio than I’ve ever seen before! Measles did something new. I was reaching a handful of seeds out to her and she jumped onto my hand and ate the seeds.

Tom told me that he doesn’t believe in praying for things we want. He believes in praying for things we need. That’s an interesting belief, whether God will or won’t answer prayers for stuff we need.

I told him today that I figured out his secret. I figured that he was gonna tell me that he really has been waiting all along to cum till we’re in a new house. I told him he dropped hints, cuz when he was talking about what he’d do with a 7-bedroom house, he said one would be for the nursery. Not the kid. Then he nodded when I said something to the effect of how he just says I’ll be pregnant by September to cheer me up and cuz it’s what I’d want to hear. Then he said he didn’t know if we’d have a kid in this house or the next, before saying I’d be pregnant by September.

Then I started to get pretty pissed when he said he wasn’t gonna tell me the secret cuz of how pushy I was about it. If he’s got a secret, it’s my right to know, and I hate how this guy plays with my head! So, I told him he could play with my head about the kid, I’m used to it and I know it makes him happy, but not with anything else. So then he said that it’s no secret cuz he knows it’s gonna happen, it’s 1 precise thing, I’ll know it when it happens and that it’ll happen for sure, no ifs, ands or buts, anytime from now till my 31st birthday.

Oh, don’t tell me this about the kid! We’ve been down this road before where he’s said during a certain timeframe, he was 100% sure I’d be pregnant and it was all bullshit. Why must he do this same old shit over and over? Isn’t it old? Doesn’t he ever get sick of it? Jesus!

He said it has nothing to do with either of our families, it’s not at all job-related and it’s one thing. If he isn’t playing a game, then I’d say it has to do with a trip we’re gonna go on. I don’t see how in hell it could have to do with moving. I know it can’t have to do with a kid and if it does in his mind, it’s bullshit. Maybe he lied to throw me off when he said it wasn’t family-related and someone was coming out to see us.

I was wondering if he was gonna tell me he read all my journals, but that was a long shot. Meaning, that’s something I can’t picture him telling me, even if he has read them.

I’ll bet he’s gonna insist he’s cum when he hasn’t and say that that was the secret. That could be it, but he knows that won’t work on me. I won’t fall for that, but if he really wants to insist on something that’s full of shit, he will. That would be his perfect way out of the doctor’s appointment, not that I care to go. Doesn’t he realize, though, that if he did that I may say, “Well, why don’t I go to a doctor, get checked out, and see if there’s anything wrong with me?” 

If I were dumb enough to fall for it of course. Then he might be thinking, oh, no. They’re gonna maybe tell her she’s OK, want to examine me, see that I’m fine and then she’ll really know the truth. Not that I wouldn’t anyway, like with that fake orgasm in ‘93.

Still, today was a great second anniversary for us.

Later…

After we swam in the company of the birds, we played around. I got him going by hand, then he went in me in our sideways position, then he got up top, ran out of gas 3 or 4 minutes later, then finished me up by going down on me. Of course, missionary position wouldn’t help him, like he said it would and so many other things would, but his running out of gas isn’t just cuz of fear. He’s like me, understandably, in the way that he’s not motivated to work out and stick to it. I may be more fit than he is, but like me, he hasn’t been able to stick to any exercise program yet. I don’t think he’d ever want to or do so if he could. I think he’d rather stay the way he is than get more fit and be able to go in missionary position longer and end up losing it.

Anyway, I saw a really good movie just now. A predictable one, but it’s a kind I’ve always liked. The guy loves the woman, kills her friends, then moves in on her. Then she finds out what he’s really about and they battle it out till she wins and kills him.

At the art store, we saw a book-making kit. One was for $20 and you could make 2 or 3 books. One had brown paper to use for a cover, then a boring fabric, and I think it also had some other kind of paper. It looked pretty neat, though, with the paper bound and stitched with no cover. It was 160 pages, I believe and it had no lines. We still want to try making one of our own sometime with our own designs for covers. A kit would be more costly, but in the end, it may be cheaper if there’s a number for a supplier enclosed. We also may be able to find suppliers through AOL.

Tom says we’ll be moved by the turn of the century, but I don’t know. He’s like he is with the kid with that. Every few months we might be able to move soon, as well as that I’ll be pregnant soon. Things always take either way longer than you anticipated or they never happen. I wouldn’t be surprised if we were still here in the year 2005.

I abandoned the music room since it’s the smallest room in the house that echoes and brings in next door’s bullshit just beautifully. The only reason I’ll use that room now is to listen to music since my stereo’s still in there. Also, my bookcase of journals is still in there. Other than that, I don’t intend to hang out in that room. I’ve moved my table that I write and draw and do whatever on back into the master bedroom in the same spot it was before. I had had the vanity in there all this time and now that’s in the music room where my table was. Tom can sleep through me working in there and doesn’t mind at all. Thank God he’s so easy-going and flexible and tolerable and adaptable like he is.

Boy, have I got to clean this place as soon as I can. Gotta dust, vacuum, and clean the kitchen.

I haven’t checked my email yet, so I’ll go do that soon, too.

Later…

I forgot to mention that Tom and I discussed putting up the same acoustic sound blockers in the music room and living room that’s in the bedroom.

Got a letter from Kim today. She says she’ll be calling me about my Bob idea. She also sent me a couple of boring Bob letters. I told her she can just ditch any boring ones and then highlight or circle any of his rare funny lines and send those to me. Bob didn’t mention to her that my letters were rather strange, so that’s nice.

Tom’s out now fixing Mary’s car. Once again, this is very nice of him, but I wish he’d take care of stuff around here before taking care of other people’s stuff. The lawn needs mowing and what about all the stuff he promised to make me this year as part of his New Year’s resolution? Why is it that he keeps his word to others when he says he’s gonna do something for them, but he won’t keep his word for his wife?

Today I de-dutied the patio, which Tom said he was gonna do every weekend. I don’t mind doing it, but I’m not as patient about it as he is. Also, it’s kind of hard to do at times when a certain area of the patio floods. So I have to wait for that to dry up a bit before doing more of it. The birds are so brave. They come right up to where I’m hosing down the patio. They only fly away when I spray them, but only a few feet above the spray, and then they return.

This morning Tom dried a load of laundry, so when I got up later, I went and got it and put it away. Then I washed the sheets and a few towels and hung those out on the line. Then I made the bed and that’s pretty much all I’ve done for the most part, but during the week I intend to fully clean this house. It’s filthy.

Later…

I just talked to Tom who says he’s got Mary’s car narrowed down to a few possibilities as to what the problem may be. He’ll be home in about half an hour.

I heard next door just come in, as always, but to my utter amazement, they came in pretty mildly. Now next door all I have to do is hope the next few hours are quiet. So far, Robin’s been right on their being quiet, so I’ll give her that much.

Later…

I realize that I was being rather hard on Tom about Mary’s car and perhaps a bit selfish and unfair too. Working on Mary’s car is a good way for Tom to spend time with Dad and they both love to talk about cars. Tom said he grew up with his dad fixing cars and that he taught Tom all he knows about cars.

We screwed this morning, but he got sick and had to stop after going on top cuz he ate right before screwing. Always an excuse or problem. Funny how he was really close this morning and how he happened to get sick as soon as we changed to the missionary position. I don’t know what the truth really is, but I don’t know if I care anymore either. He told me more about the secret, whether it’s true or not. He says I’ll notice it as it happens but won’t know that that was the secret till he tells me. It has nothing to do with the house. He’s the only one who knows about it. It’s something he found out. Thank God he said it’s something he found out, cuz now I know he’s not playing more sex and baby games. He denied it had anything to do with Robin, but he’s never denied a trip. I think that’s it. The reason why I know it’s not about sex/kid is cuz he wouldn’t “find out” anything about it. He’s never gonna care to check into his problem, whether it’s mental or physical, and I still really believe he’s holding back. He already admitted he’s holding back now in an indirect way (he always has one reason after another to hold back anyway). I told him I was gonna hold off on stuff I want (he knew what I meant), cuz his dad needs him. He thanked me, but of course, it’s his own willpower that holds him back. Then he says this stuff with his dad won’t be going on much longer. Yes, it will. And when it’s over, there’ll be something else.

He also admitted he realizes he shouldn’t tease me with certain things and he says he’s gonna work on it. That’s nice, but I can’t believe a guy as smart as he is, didn’t know any better than to go teasing someone about having a kid.

I begin writing this with one of my birds watching me through the window. It’s so windy out there today and I hope that nest holds up OK. So far, so good.

I might not have time to get into why I got to thinking last night and ended up furious at my parents, but I will soon enough.

I talked to Andy a short while ago and he said I might be able to get that song Dreams to Dream by Linda from a station called K-LITE. I’ll go try soon.

Tonight Andy and I will be calling this live message and chat line to play with horny men’s minds and we might even send them next door here. That ought to surprise those freeloaders.

Speaking of those freeloaders, yesterday at around 7:30, there were 2 or 3 cars there and I heard ball-bouncing start up. I also saw 3 freeloaders chatting out back. I said to myself, oh shit, they’re gonna party till 10:00 or later. But they didn’t chat long and remained quiet. The ball bouncing didn’t last long at all either. They just better stay quiet this weekend!

I have to see Dr. Nielson today and I’m sure all will be OK with that. Hopefully, we’ll be in and out of there and the waiting room won’t be rowdy. It usually isn’t rowdy.

Tom’s taking sick days off today and tomorrow as he is emotionally and physically exhausted. He’s over fixing Mary’s car right now which is very kind and generous of him, but I hope he’ll take care of himself more and not worry so much about other people’s needs.

Got an anniversary card today from my parents with $35 of cash in it. That’s what Tammy said she and Bill got for their anniversary, too.

Later…

Just came back from seeing Dr. Nielsen. All’s fine with the ear. He just cleaned out a few flakes of dead skin and some wax. I don’t have to see him till December 12th.

Tom spent the money we got for our anniversary that his parents sent on what he wanted, and we’ve agreed to spend the money from my parents on what I want. I wanted to stop at the art store so bad after Nielsen’s, but it was closed. So I guess we’ll go back tomorrow.

The reason why I got furious after thinking about what my dad said about my so-called down letters, which really is an exaggeration, was cuz of this. I told them the truth and if I can’t be myself and tell them what’s going on, good or bad, then maybe I shouldn’t be writing to them. They just don’t get it. People have their good times and their bad times and if they only want me to write what they want to hear, then I don’t want to write to them. They act like I shouldn’t be upset over the things that are going on. I’d have to be inhuman to not be upset over things that have been going on. Also, they just don’t realize that different people deal with different things differently and they get over different things at their own pace. Maybe they should look at me as a person, instead of their daughter and ask themselves what they see in me. Just someone who writes them "down" letters? Is that all I’ve been to them? Well, they’ve said 3 or 4 times that they were gonna come out here, I honestly can’t see why they haven’t been able to, therefore, I do doubt they love me or care that much for me or my letters and if that’s so, we shouldn’t contact one another.

Everything that’s gone on in life really makes me say, what the fuck? Fuck my dreams and fuck everything. All I care about is Tom. Meanwhile, I don’t want the kid anymore, I don’t want to go to college or work (although I know I’m gonna have to do something with my life), I don’t want to see my family. I just want to keep every day the same as it has been for the last two years. I’d rather be bored than filled with all kinds of hectic and stressful bullshit. I’ve always known what kids will do to people’s bodies, minds, wallets, and relationships, but as I see Tom less able to deal with things that bother me, I know that a kid will surely be the end-all of our marriage. All we’d do is fight like hell over stuff about it and our lives would be the most miserable and non-existent. Anyway, here I go worrying and bitching about something that could never happen, anyhow.

Last night I came into the bedroom to go to bed and I swear that he was already awake. He looked right at me and asked me what was wrong. Guess my fury showed. So I told him what I just wrote about my parents and all I got was, “I’m sorry you feel this way, I’m sure you have reasons to, but you seem even madder about it now, you’ll take it out on me, I don’t understand, etc.”

Gee, that made me really feel like talking to him. And why would I take it out on him? Also, he’s never met or known my parents and he never will, therefore, he couldn’t even understand and I should’ve just kept my mouth shut cuz I don’t think he wants to hear it or deal with it, no matter what’s going on in life.

Now, I know I don’t have to worry about getting pregnant, but how do I get out of the appointment next year? I’m sure Tom will be a piece of cake to talk out of it, but the appointment wouldn’t change anything, so I shouldn’t worry. Anyway, I can’t believe he said I’d be spoiled for not having a kid with him. What a fucking joke! Like he’d have a kid with me?

The freeloaders are barbecuing now, and I expect that their company will be arriving soon enough.

Later…

Good news next door. I never heard anything and I guess it’s just one guy over there alone. I saw one guy out barbecuing and that was it. No music or balls or loud conversations. I still have a bad feeling about Saturday and I hope to hell I’m wrong!

After I came home, Tom left shortly after to go work on Mary’s car yet again. So far, he hasn’t had any luck with it. He says he doesn’t want to have to do anything on Saturday, but this I’ve got to see.

When we go to the art store, I’d like to get 2 or 3 journals and 3 different pens. I’ve mentioned those pens and what pen colors I want to get from there the last time I was there at that store. The last time I was there we didn’t have money for journals and I got that fucked up eraser and something else from there. Oh yeah, the stumps.

Well, I guess those freeloaders do have or just did get company. I just heard a kid that sounded about 4 years old. Shit! Damn! Fuck! They’re gonna fucking totally ruin the whole fucking weekend! I don’t know if I mentioned this here, but I told Tom that I think that the reason why they were hardly home and hardly had company is cuz they just now recently got all settled in and got it all decorated. Now, they feel more comfortable about having company over. Now they’re just like most people are out here and like dogs are out here. No people or dogs ever stay inside. They seem to live outside 24/7. I miss the days when they were hardly ever home, but I knew it was just a matter of time.

Well, yesterday’s news about the money explains that feeling I had back around last November that June would be a month where we’d improve financially. It’s hard to believe that we’re about to have all our bills paid up and more, regardless of how we got the money.

When I asked Tom why he was influenced by things I did or said when I thought he was supposed to be a person with a mind of his own like he said, he said that I’d always influence him and he wants it that way cuz he loves me. I think he means that he wants to be influenced in ways he wants to be influenced. But if I were to try to influence him to cum, he won’t, cuz he doesn’t want to be influenced to do that, regardless of what’s going on in our lives.

I think sometimes he knows the meaning of the word love and shows it in so many ways. When it comes to sex and the kid, he seems to have a warped sense of the word. To him, being truly loving is telling me what I want to hear, rather than that he really doesn’t want to be a daddy.

I thought of leaving him and I have wondered if I should cuz most women would, but then I realized something. I have had a problem all my life where I’d think about what most people would do in a certain situation and not what I, as the individual I am, should do. So after asking myself what was best for me, I decided this one bad thing wasn’t worth throwing away the millions of good things about him and that I love him unconditionally. No one’s perfect and that includes me, too. I don’t want to leave him, I don’t want to sue him and I don’t want to go to a doctor next year to try to make him and push him to do what he doesn’t really want to do.

Yes, I’d have a kid for him if he really wanted one and I never wanted one at all cuz I love him, but no one should or can be forced into having a kid, any more than one can or should bother to try changing people like my mother. Change must begin from inside ourselves, then people can help.

I also asked Tom if he was influenced by my beliefs. I asked him if I disbelieved something that he believed, would he be tempted to prove me wrong or let me be right or neither and he said neither. What do I believe? I guess it depends on how important a certain issue is to him, but sometimes he does seem argumentative and like he’s challenging something I said.

Tom told me some sad, yet funny stories about Dad’s roommate at the hospital. Well, they had to stick him in his own room so that they could monitor him better cuz they caught him one night trying to call 911 cuz there were Indians in his room. Reminds me of crazy Ellie, who’d appear so sweet and normal one minute, then the next minute she’d be furious, hearing the CIA talking to her out of her vents.

Mary’s coworker, whose name is also Mary, has her dad in the hospital for whatever reason and he too, isn’t quite there. At the hospital, he kept insisting that he was at the skating rink and that his name was Julio, instead of Sam, and that he never saw his daughter in all his life. Then he asked the daughter if she was going skating, too.

The pictures asked me if I thought the money was a sign of something. Well, if it is, I can’t see it. There have been some things in life that were signs, meant to be, and for a later purpose or plan that I didn’t see for years after the fact.

I don’t see how it could mean or lead to anything. I can see our bills being paid off and that’s logic, but my vibes don’t see anything like us getting that bed or moving or anything else too extravagant.

They also asked me if I thought it’d make Tom feel more comfortable about having a kid.

No, I highly doubt that. Money may have been one of the factors, but there are lots of other factors. There are several other reasons why he very well could be and probably always has been and will be afraid to have a kid, whether he admits it or not. He describes me as beautiful and skinny, but that would be gone with a child. So would all my attention and so much more that he’d have to deal with or lose.

Only 3 more days left till Saturday. Saturday’s our anniversary, but will next door make it hell on us? Well, he wouldn’t care, but I’d be fuming and ready to kill. Please, God, don’t let them ruin our special day. Oops, better not say that, or else God will make sure our anniversary includes them and their noise.

According to Tom, his family is sorry I feel God hates me but they’re also rather amused by it.

Oh great! So the whole family knows and thinks it’s all one big fucking joke. With all due respect to my mother-in-law whom I otherwise love and care for very much and who I think is a great person, I’m never gonna utter another personal statement of any kind ever again. I told this to Tom, Andy, some of my family members, and Mom, not Mary and God knows how many other people.

We got a $25 check from Mom and Dad S for our anniversary. I wonder if my folks will send cash or a gift? Now, I hope they won’t send cash.

Later…

I did end up talking to my folks just now and told them the latest scoop.

Tom just called and said that it doesn’t look like Dad’s going home today, but maybe tomorrow.

Later…

Tom called again a little while ago. He’s not sure when Dad’s coming home, but he thinks it’ll be soon. Now, he’s at his parents’ house working on Mary’s car which was towed over there yesterday.

I told him of how my dad was lecturing me about how every single letter sounded down and how I live in the past. I said I told him I was sorry if I sounded like a sad and unstable person and I didn’t mean to depress them and that I’m working on not judging the present by the past. I’ve got a damn good idea of what my faults and flaws are, but I didn’t need him lecturing me. They need to let me be myself and accept me as I am. Tom says he just thinks he was trying to cheer me up. I don’t think so, but that all goes back to my parents’ power of persuasion and goodness. Everyone thinks they’re just trying to help and that they’re good people. Well, they are good and helpful people, but sometimes they have an obnoxious way of showing it and I’m getting sicker of them and have less of a desire to see them as time goes on. I’m not suggesting I dump my parents, but I think it’s best I keep my mouth shut with members of my family too, and not write to them as much.

Also, I know this may sound weird and I know that the longer you don’t see a loved one, the more you miss them, but with me, the longer I don’t see them, the less I want to see them. I just don’t want to be bothered with dealing with these people. I find I’m caring less and less about them and their opinions of me. I can handle Larry and seeing Dad alone, but Mom and Dad together is another story as well as Tammy. I know that if Tom and I were with my parents or with Tammy they’re gonna cut me down in front of him and they know he’s not gonna say a word about it. Not to them, anyway. I don’t want to be alone with these people, either.

I have written them plenty of good stuff and I’m sorry if I’ve written the truth, even if it were bad. Like with Tom’s dad. Of course, I know my parents don’t at all sympathize with me for not being able to have a kid but fuck them and what they think. I don’t owe them, or Tammy, or Larry, or anyone else but my husband shit.

I don’t know how I’ll feel in the future and no, I wouldn’t stop any family members from coming out here, but me go to Florida or New England? No fucking way! The way I see it is like this. My brother’s been cool since we’ve been in touch again, my sister and mother are bitches, my dad’s unpredictable, but mostly cool, my aunts and cousins don’t give a shit and my uncles are little bullies and assholes. I don’t need it.