Well, yesterday’s news about the money explains that feeling I had back around last November that June would be a month where we’d improve financially. It’s hard to believe that we’re about to have all our bills paid up and more, regardless of how we got the money.

When I asked Tom why he was influenced by things I did or said when I thought he was supposed to be a person with a mind of his own like he said, he said that I’d always influence him and he wants it that way cuz he loves me. I think he means that he wants to be influenced in ways he wants to be influenced. But if I were to try to influence him to cum, he won’t, cuz he doesn’t want to be influenced to do that, regardless of what’s going on in our lives.

I think sometimes he knows the meaning of the word love and shows it in so many ways. When it comes to sex and the kid, he seems to have a warped sense of the word. To him, being truly loving is telling me what I want to hear, rather than that he really doesn’t want to be a daddy.

I thought of leaving him and I have wondered if I should cuz most women would, but then I realized something. I have had a problem all my life where I’d think about what most people would do in a certain situation and not what I, as the individual I am, should do. So after asking myself what was best for me, I decided this one bad thing wasn’t worth throwing away the millions of good things about him and that I love him unconditionally. No one’s perfect and that includes me, too. I don’t want to leave him, I don’t want to sue him and I don’t want to go to a doctor next year to try to make him and push him to do what he doesn’t really want to do.

Yes, I’d have a kid for him if he really wanted one and I never wanted one at all cuz I love him, but no one should or can be forced into having a kid, any more than one can or should bother to try changing people like my mother. Change must begin from inside ourselves, then people can help.

I also asked Tom if he was influenced by my beliefs. I asked him if I disbelieved something that he believed, would he be tempted to prove me wrong or let me be right or neither and he said neither. What do I believe? I guess it depends on how important a certain issue is to him, but sometimes he does seem argumentative and like he’s challenging something I said.

Tom told me some sad, yet funny stories about Dad’s roommate at the hospital. Well, they had to stick him in his own room so that they could monitor him better cuz they caught him one night trying to call 911 cuz there were Indians in his room. Reminds me of crazy Ellie, who’d appear so sweet and normal one minute, then the next minute she’d be furious, hearing the CIA talking to her out of her vents.

Mary’s coworker, whose name is also Mary, has her dad in the hospital for whatever reason and he too, isn’t quite there. At the hospital, he kept insisting that he was at the skating rink and that his name was Julio, instead of Sam, and that he never saw his daughter in all his life. Then he asked the daughter if she was going skating, too.

The pictures asked me if I thought the money was a sign of something. Well, if it is, I can’t see it. There have been some things in life that were signs, meant to be, and for a later purpose or plan that I didn’t see for years after the fact.

I don’t see how it could mean or lead to anything. I can see our bills being paid off and that’s logic, but my vibes don’t see anything like us getting that bed or moving or anything else too extravagant.

They also asked me if I thought it’d make Tom feel more comfortable about having a kid.

No, I highly doubt that. Money may have been one of the factors, but there are lots of other factors. There are several other reasons why he very well could be and probably always has been and will be afraid to have a kid, whether he admits it or not. He describes me as beautiful and skinny, but that would be gone with a child. So would all my attention and so much more that he’d have to deal with or lose.

Only 3 more days left till Saturday. Saturday’s our anniversary, but will next door make it hell on us? Well, he wouldn’t care, but I’d be fuming and ready to kill. Please, God, don’t let them ruin our special day. Oops, better not say that, or else God will make sure our anniversary includes them and their noise.

According to Tom, his family is sorry I feel God hates me but they’re also rather amused by it.

Oh great! So the whole family knows and thinks it’s all one big fucking joke. With all due respect to my mother-in-law whom I otherwise love and care for very much and who I think is a great person, I’m never gonna utter another personal statement of any kind ever again. I told this to Tom, Andy, some of my family members, and Mom, not Mary and God knows how many other people.

We got a $25 check from Mom and Dad S for our anniversary. I wonder if my folks will send cash or a gift? Now, I hope they won’t send cash.

Later…

I did end up talking to my folks just now and told them the latest scoop.

Tom just called and said that it doesn’t look like Dad’s going home today, but maybe tomorrow.

Later…

Tom called again a little while ago. He’s not sure when Dad’s coming home, but he thinks it’ll be soon. Now, he’s at his parents’ house working on Mary’s car which was towed over there yesterday.

I told him of how my dad was lecturing me about how every single letter sounded down and how I live in the past. I said I told him I was sorry if I sounded like a sad and unstable person and I didn’t mean to depress them and that I’m working on not judging the present by the past. I’ve got a damn good idea of what my faults and flaws are, but I didn’t need him lecturing me. They need to let me be myself and accept me as I am. Tom says he just thinks he was trying to cheer me up. I don’t think so, but that all goes back to my parents’ power of persuasion and goodness. Everyone thinks they’re just trying to help and that they’re good people. Well, they are good and helpful people, but sometimes they have an obnoxious way of showing it and I’m getting sicker of them and have less of a desire to see them as time goes on. I’m not suggesting I dump my parents, but I think it’s best I keep my mouth shut with members of my family too, and not write to them as much.

Also, I know this may sound weird and I know that the longer you don’t see a loved one, the more you miss them, but with me, the longer I don’t see them, the less I want to see them. I just don’t want to be bothered with dealing with these people. I find I’m caring less and less about them and their opinions of me. I can handle Larry and seeing Dad alone, but Mom and Dad together is another story as well as Tammy. I know that if Tom and I were with my parents or with Tammy they’re gonna cut me down in front of him and they know he’s not gonna say a word about it. Not to them, anyway. I don’t want to be alone with these people, either.

I have written them plenty of good stuff and I’m sorry if I’ve written the truth, even if it were bad. Like with Tom’s dad. Of course, I know my parents don’t at all sympathize with me for not being able to have a kid but fuck them and what they think. I don’t owe them, or Tammy, or Larry, or anyone else but my husband shit.

I don’t know how I’ll feel in the future and no, I wouldn’t stop any family members from coming out here, but me go to Florida or New England? No fucking way! The way I see it is like this. My brother’s been cool since we’ve been in touch again, my sister and mother are bitches, my dad’s unpredictable, but mostly cool, my aunts and cousins don’t give a shit and my uncles are little bullies and assholes. I don’t need it.