I’m really tired now. I had been up for nearly 18 hours when I fell asleep and I only slept around 6 hours. I think it was Tom’s snoring that woke me up. I just hope I get caught up on my sleep, cuz I’m looking forward to Tom’s idea for early tomorrow morning. He’s gonna go get his dad’s car and we may go to the Grand Canyon or something.

I went ahead and forged Andy’s signature as a witness on that form. I told Andy I signed it Mark A. M. and that they wouldn’t check. Tom said all they could do was ask him if he signed it and all he has to do is say he did sign it.

Yesterday, Tom reminded me we can’t know what’s going on with me and I shouldn’t think I do, and that I haven’t been having a miscarriage. He told me a miscarriage wouldn’t have caused nearly two weeks of spotting, that it would’ve been a sudden thing, and then I’d have had a regular period. He says we can’t know for sure, but that I’ve had a lot of symptoms of pregnancy. He says I’ve had some tingling in my nipples, which is one of the early signs. It’s so subtle, though, that I’m not totally sure if that was what it was. He says I was peeing frequently, which is another thing you’re supposed to do in the beginning as the kidneys filter the blood and he also says I’ve been moody. But he always tells me I’m moody overall. He says he still thinks something’s changing in me and that we might call the doctor after Labor Day, but if anything was growing in me, it’s gone now. Today, which makes day 13, I’ve had a little more in the way of cramps and also, the spots were bigger and more frequent. When I got up I wiped off 4 bigger spots.

I can see God just laughing his ass off at me saying, “And you thought for a second there that I might just change my mind?!”

Yeah, well, I refuse to cry. I’m sick of giving in to his teasing, torturing, and games. I’m not gonna be the emotional basket case he expects me to be, but I learned something from all this. I really would’ve been a good mother, cuz God doesn’t give good mothers kids anymore. I’ve had to really lecture myself, too, so as not to fall out of reality. I told myself, he’s not gonna change his mind. What makes you think that after so long, he’s gonna let you have a kid? Did you really think he may change his mind? How stupid of you to even have a sliver of hope. You knew this would be the next step. You knew he was gonna begin this whole new phase of teasing you as far as a kid goes. God only wants to hurt you. He doesn’t love everybody and he certainly doesn’t love you.

Like I’ve always said, if I were smart, I’d get on birth control or have my tubes tied or have a hysterectomy cuz that’d really piss God off. But then he’d just go and do something else to hurt me.

Since I know God can and does make mistakes and since there are about 6 billion people in this world that God may not always be able to keep constant tabs on, I wonder if he “slipped” and made the mistake of letting me come out here and have Tom. Since God loves to fuck with the things I love, want, or mean a lot to me, I wonder if he’d ever do something to hurt Tom just to hurt me. It’s a scary thought.

I’d love to believe that my not sleeping too much lately and all that’s been going on with me is a sign of a kid to come and that God’s getting me in the practice of having my sleep cut short. And that the stereo breaking is compensation for something good to come, but I know better. I’m using my old box now, so I’m not totally without a stereo. I will catch up on my sleep soon enough and I know what’s physically going on with me. My body attempted to conceive, but thanks to God and the DES, it didn’t and that’s why I’ve had 13 days of spotting.

Later…

I just spoke to Andy a little while ago and let him know what was going on. He said he was sorry and didn’t know what to say. Well, you can’t change fate or fight God, I reminded him.

He says he’s tired of being tested so much by God. I can totally relate to that, of course. I don’t know why he’s doing this to me or what he wants from me. I wish that if he can’t have a positive impact on my life he’d just leave me alone and write off my existence. What does he expect me to do? Break down and lose my mind? Well, I won’t. Go to a doctor for help? I won’t. Try to adopt? I won’t. What does he think he’s gaining by all this? Just a good laugh? Is he not only that sick, but is he that bored, too? Doesn’t he have anything better to do than keep picking at me with one thing after another?

How can Tom think that there’s nothing wrong with me and that something’s changing? How can he not believe, also, that it attempted to make a baby, but didn’t or that something’s wrong? The more I think about it, I don’t know if God would make sure something went wrong that’d cause me to have a hysterectomy. Or something that a doctor would tell me has made me sterile for sure. That would spoil his game. He wouldn’t be able to dangle the subject in my face and tease me with it and hurt me as much. He wants this to be a slow and agonizing process, whereas if I should suddenly be sterile, that’d put an abrupt stop to his games. I think that this isn’t the last time I’m gonna go through 12 days of spotting and 1 of a little more than spotting. I wouldn’t be surprised if this happens every few months. I also wouldn’t be surprised if I had a full flow tomorrow. Usually, when my period starts, the first day I have spots or a light flow and the next day I have a fuller flow.

Now I know what happened, even though Tom says to give it 3 more weeks. He says I can’t know, but I do know. I also know God and the physical symptoms I have make what happened obvious. After putting together everything we read and found out, along with the fact that this is day 12 of the spotting (the longest time I ever bled/spotted), it’s obvious I had a miscarriage. We learned that 30%-50% of women have miscarriages when the egg and sperm meet, cuz it’s common for the genetic codes to be off. So my body attempted to get pregnant, but since that particular egg and sperm didn’t get along, the fetus automatically aborted itself.

See? I knew it. First God wanted to torture and tease me with his not cumming and now he’s on to tease me with miscarriages. He’s never gonna stop. He’s never gonna let me have a child.

Tom did some research and left a message saying what he checked out was pretty much inconclusive, he couldn’t find too much on spotting, but that one of the first signs of pregnancy is an abnormal flow. He said he also read that ovulation doesn’t occur when I think it does. He said he read something about 2 days on the 8th day of the cycle is when you ovulate, then something about another 2 days after that. That’s odd.

I can’t believe, though, how much I’m just learning at 30 years old. I had no idea the fetus’s heart starts beating at only 3 weeks. I thought that’d be 2-3 months.

This makes day 11 of the spotting. Will it ever stop? See, I just can’t see for the life of me how a fetus could hang in there with all these spots. On the other hand, something may be going on, cuz how confused can a body get and for how long? After 11 days or more days, it ought to figure out what the hell it’s doing.

I have no idea why, but my CDs won’t play. Only tapes. Maybe this is a favor in itself as I’ve come to not like this stereo too much. It just doesn’t have enough power. Certain recordings that are older and softer have barely any volume to them with the damn thing up full blast.

Well, I’m sorry my worries, curiosities, and questions about what’s been going on with me have worried Tom out of screwing me. I told him, though, to try not to worry and that I’m sorry if I shot our sex lives. He said we could start over and forget our worries and that we don’t need to take a month or so from sex to ease his worries. I just hope he isn’t using this as an excuse to not have sex for a while, to make me wait for it, or to stall my getting pregnant. So, I told him his “morning lecture” is to try not to worry and that while no doctor’s told us not to have sex, there’s no reason why we can’t cuz it’s fun and maybe, just maybe, we will get a kid out of it.

Tom said he’s gonna do some investigating on the computer when he gets home from work. Then he says he’ll print out what he finds out. He says what Kim said makes perfect sense, cuz the uterus always has blood in it. Oh, I didn’t know that. I thought it was just open space until the period set in. I also read that the egg busting out of the ovary walls can cause bleeding. I didn’t know that either.

He says not to worry still and that what I consider a heavy flow, might not be heavy to most women. And that what I consider spots may not even be noticeable to other women. Oh, they’d notice the spots I’ve been having, all right. There’s no missing them.

He still says nothing can get “flushed out” of the uterus either and that having spots here and there after conception may be more common than people think and the reason why it may not be mentioned is so that people don’t worry. It still seems weird that I wouldn’t have heard that as common knowledge, just like it’s common knowledge that women get periods.

Tom explained to me that something can be considered common, even if it’s 1 out of 100. For example, Tom said that to him one-eared people are common. I guess I get his point.

What do I still think? The same thing. I think the sperm threw off my cycle and that while it was just one day late, it was screwy, but I still say there’s not a chance in hell that I could’ve conceived.

Kim did say something about the number 2 popping into her head. Well, like I said, this is the second time he came when it was prime time for baby catching, but that’s still too soon. Also, I have to see Dr. Rauche on the 27th, and there’s a 2 in that date, but only for med refills.

Well, so far I’m doing pretty well at cutting down on the smokes.

I spoke with Andy who read me a funny 6-page letter he’s sending to his friend Michelle. The one he lived with who’s gone to Michigan to be with her terminally ill father.

The spotting is tapering off once again, but who the hell knows what’s gonna happen? I guess I still think I’ll have a bit more of a period next month. By then my body should be back to normal. Especially with this limp dick around. Even if God changes his mind and allows me a child, am I gonna be able to get laid enough to do so?

My parents haven’t called and you know what I’m gonna say about them and that. Same thing I said about Jenny C. Why should either of us bother? We’re better off without associating with each other.

Later...

In a half-hour, I’ll be waking Tom up.

This having my cycle thrown off has kind of played on my emotions. It hasn’t been too, too bad, though, and I guess you could say that on a scale of 1-10, I’m affected by about a 4. This is the best I’ve felt physically, though, since the cycle went wacko. I feel less watery and my tits are a little less sore. My weight’s still up to 102, so that’s not cool. This shows I’m still “period constipated.” Usually, after a regular period, I’m 99.

Later...

Tom just went down on me and now he’s in the shower. He’ll be off to work in a half-hour.

He said I still had sort of an acid taste down there like I do when I have my period, but isn’t sure if it’s due to spotting or sweat, cuz I was walking on the walker to keep my mind off smoking. I said it had to be sweat due to not spotting for nearly 24 hours. Then he said it was time for my morning lecture and he reminded me that since I want a baby, I must remember that some things will be different. He said to expect changes and for some things to sometimes seem weird and unexplainable and don’t panic.

Is he saying he thinks I could be pregnant now? Well, I know I don’t know it all and that anything’s possible, but I think it’s OK and fair to say I’m 99.9% sure I’m not. Hopefully soon enough! I’m so afraid, though, to get my hopes up and am trying not to hope, due to past experiences we all know about.

Tom said not to worry, but it’s not that easy. I still fear new shit’s gonna be replacing old shit. If my body felt so out of whack due to an attempted pregnancy, imagine how it’d react if I could’ve gotten pregnant.

I just wish so many things weren’t so slow and confusing. I wish they could just be whatever they were gonna be without such long, drawn-out, weird, and complex build-ups. I mean it’s like, can’t we just get the show on the road? Meaning, if I can get pregnant, can’t I just get pregnant? If I can’t, then must there be all these weird and different body and emotional reactions, and can’t I just feel and function normally down there and overall and get on with my life? All the more I feel like God or just life itself was playing mind games with me. Does everything have to be such a mystery? Can’t anything in life just happen or not happen without any build-ups? Not worrying isn’t that easy for me as I’m not blessed with Tom’s ability to not worry and to not want to understand or analyze things. I wish I had a plan and simple answer to what’s going on and to what will happen, but I know that’s just wishful thinking God wants things I care about or want to be such a big deal with all the build-ups, confusion, and dramatics attached.

Later…

Tom asked me to do an art job for him to use in a game he wants to create on the computer that’s sort of like virtual reality. He wants me to pick a room and draw all 4 walls from close up and from further away. I don’t know if I can do this. I’ve got one wall done at a close-up range, so when he gets up I’ll see if I’m going about it right and giving him what he’s looking for. I know him, though. He’ll be too busy to ever use these drawings if I can do them correctly.

I haven’t heard from Andy tonight, so maybe he got all talked out.

Kim called early in the morning and we finally got our current Bob game down pat. She’s sending him a letter saying I called screaming on her machine about there being some trouble, but she hung up. She’ll also say she’s been trying to get a hold of me to find out what was wrong, but Tom and everyone haven’t heard from me. I’ll hold off all mail to him till after Labor Day, then both Kim and I will write to him as if nothing ever happened. If he asks us about it, we’ll deny knowing anything about it. He should get the letter today or tomorrow.

Yesterday I did up 5 envelopes for Larry with flowers and animals mainly and I’m gonna get working on my own stuff for my sketchbook.

I was on the phone with Andy for just over two hours. He filled me in on the rest of the trip, but I’ll get into it later. I’m busy doing artwork now.

Later…

Yup, something’s definitely wrong with me. I’m spotting again. This definitely wasn’t a case of my plumbing getting confused. It’s a case of God making the final destruction of my female parts. I knew it, though. I just knew it. It’s time for me to deal with my next long-term punishment. This is perfect timing, too, since Tom began cumming a couple of months ago. Besides, when Jodi really wants something bad, Jodi can’t have it.

So, Andy says he wasn’t in Springfield for too long and that he no longer gives a shit about his 3 brothers who are just fucked up, whacked out, and are coke heads who don’t give a shit about Andy. He said he had to see them and see how different they are and how screwed up they are and how much they couldn’t care less about him to realize that he’ll never need to cry over them again.

He spent the first night or two at the house he grew up in. He said he didn’t go walking in the woods as he had planned, but that he really enjoyed talking with Garry’s new girlfriend. Garry sleeps in the day and she’s up all night like Andy is, so they hit it off instantly and he said he learned all kinds of sad and embarrassing things about Garry. He says the only thing Garry’s got going for him is that he’s 42, but looks 10 years younger and is handsome and in shape.

The girlfriend, Jenny, is Puerto Rican. Garry only dates blacks and Puerto Ricans, from what I hear. He says Jenny’s very open sexually and was married for 18 years with 2 teenage boys. She and Garry love each other, but she says she’ll never marry Garry. She says they’re just having fun living with each other and having sex and doing coke.

Andy still has no desire to move back there but says he’d probably be great pals with Jenny if he lived there.

He said that the day he arrived, it was beautiful and everything was so green. He knew, though, not to let all that green fool him, for in a matter of months, it’d all be gone and he’d be cold and miserable if he were there.

During his 7 days at the beach, 5 of them were cloudy.

He says he saw all kinds of people we both knew, as well as people he just knew from Springfield. Yes, he saw Charlotte and Jim and Char said she was thrilled to get my letter and loved my artwork and is happy I’m happy.

A funny thing happened with Char. Andy said that as soon as he knocked on her door she jumped out and she gave him a big hug and kiss.

So? She does that all the time to me. Andy said that was her and me, not her and him (true) and said she hasn’t done that since he was little.

What’s the point? I asked. He said not only could he smell booze on her breath, but he knew it was Bacardi Rum, being the bartender that he is at the restaurant where he works. I guess Charlotte was really feeling good and who knows how much she is into drinking? I don’t remember her being an alcoholic, but those things were easily hidden from me as a kid, I wasn’t observant or perceptive, so who knows if she’s an alcoholic?

He says Family Pizza wasn’t the same as he always remembered it to be.

He says he saw Bea and her daughter Michelle who sort of lived behind us and he saw Natalie and Al M. He also named off seeing other people that I believe I remember. I have at least a vague memory of them, anyway. He says most of the people we knew are really aging.

He says he saw two of the Therus kids. One of them, the only son out of the 5, still looks like scummy white trash. I then remembered that I used to stick my tongue out at him constantly and that he one day threatened to rip my tongue out of my mouth and I just stood there laughing.

Here goes my fucking wisdom tooth bothering me again.

Anyway, he had a hard time sleeping there once David, Kelly, and their two kids got there. They’d get up and be louder than hell early in the mornings. That’s families for you and people with kids always think they own the world.

He said he was walking on the beach alone one night and he was dead center on the beach by the shore when that mortal, terrifying vibe came over him. A voice said to him to get home now. Now! So he did and then the voice said to turn off the lights in the cottage and make it look like he was asleep. He never did see anything or anyone, but he says the vibe told him that a serial killer was lurking around and would’ve killed him. He says he knew he’d have killed anyone just for the thrill of it.

One night he met this girl Lisa who was in her late 20s, was there alone and was renting a 3-bedroom cottage for a week at just over $500. That’s a lot of fucking money for a week! She’s a receptionist at a law firm and they hit it off really well. One night he and Lisa and a couple of other teenagers were climbing onto the flat rocks when a female Puerto Rican security guard on that beach asked them to leave. The teenagers left, then Andy showed her his license. Then he explained that he only gets to be there once every two years and that that was Lisa’s first time there and he asked if they could stay a little while. She said sure and she and the dog she had in her truck joined them. They all talked for 2½ hours. Her name was Olivia and he says she was my type. Tall, dark, and feminine.

Andy found out that people in a nearby cottage own those flat rocks and how they bitch about teens having sex on the flat rocks and leaving rubbers and beer cans in that area and their lawn. If someone got hurt on those rocks at night, they’re also liable for that.

Some soap star also lives nearby that Andy said he couldn’t care less about.

So Andy thought it was nice of Olivia and was grateful to her that she kicked off everyone else, but let him and Lisa stay. They talked about all kinds of things. Olivia and her cop husband were from Texas, but they got transferred to the Niantic area.

As Lisa and Andy were walking back to their cottages for the night, Andy told her that he believed there was a purpose for their meeting each other. It turns out that Lisa, like us, always wanted to move far from home, but is very close to her family. Andy told her that if she’s that close to her family, don’t move.

Later…

I got a little dizzy at one point during the night, but feel better now.

Andy never called back, so I guess he fell asleep.

Andy said that while Bea would be standing up on the beach, she’d do what Andy calls a Hollywood pose to show off. I can picture this, too, and I’m anxious to see Andy impersonate her.

He also said Charlotte was really trying hard to cover up and hide her buzz.

According to him, Natalie must be losing her mind cuz she asked Andy 3 different times how life in California was. I wouldn’t know, and Andy would have to remind her that he lives in Arizona.

How fucking nice! Char says my folks played them our wedding video where my hair looked fried, my face looked shitty and I looked 125 pounds. Char says she loved it and I guess Mom and Dad were pointing out the parts they liked. What was Char supposed to do, though? Tell Andy I looked like shit?

Tom’s getting up now, so I guess I’ll call it quits with writing for now.

Later…

Tom told me the secret and yes, it’s a stupid piddly-assed thing. I mean, it’s a nice thing, but it’s something I knew would happen someday and I don’t see why this ever had to be a secret. The grand secret is that in a month our bills will be paid. I knew this when he said his father wanted us to have that money. I swear, his wait on this or that obsession is getting awfully old. The same with his repositioning stuff I deliberately move out of order, while I swear I’ll put stuff back where it goes.

Later…

I feel really bad about something I did to Tom earlier. When I got up I was a bit tight and wheezy and he was on the phone giving computer advice to who I thought was Wendy and I thought, here we go again. She’s gonna use him for free advice and interrupt our time together.

Then I went into the kitchen and when I sat down to eat there were shitloads of pie crust crumbs on my chair and all over the floor, so I started bitching. He then got off the phone and I started chewing him out and asking why he didn’t offer to whack my back or make me coffee if he heard me wheezing and hacking up a storm. He said he had gestured to me in case I needed anything, but I didn’t see him. Also, he’d been talking to Carla. Someone he used to work with at AMEX and he was bummed out for a few reasons. He had said he didn’t think it was a bad time to take the call since I was asleep and he didn’t know when I was getting up.

He also felt like he’d lost a dream cuz he wants to work with computers and you have to build up a clientele somehow. He says, though, he knows I didn’t do it on purpose, that he wasn’t trying to judge me, and that it’s done and over with. Well, on purpose or not, I still feel really guilty and I shouldn’t have jumped the gun, but I’ll get mine. If God doesn’t punish me, he will. He swears he won’t, but we’ve been through similar situations before. Consciously or subconsciously, he’ll move shit in the house out of order, pick a fight with me or make sure we don’t have sex too often.

I offered to put off the kid he swears is possible for another month or two to punish me, but he says that’d be punishing him also, cuz that’s his dream, too. Yeah, well, I still wouldn’t be surprised if there was no “opportunity” to have sex during my next mid-cycle. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was back to his old ways sexually. Yes, I feel that worry again, cuz this morning we had sex in his favorite position and he never came. He still says don’t worry. I’ll be pregnant in a month. He’s sure of it and that’s the truth, he says. He also says his cumming isn’t always gonna be predictable or something he can control. I had a slight flicker of a light vibe that told me I’d have no period or spots next month, but that seems physically, technically, logically, and scientifically impossible. Tom disagrees with me, but I had an idea of at least one thing that could’ve held him off at cumming all that time. I’ve thought of this several times, but here’s why it seems more of a certainty to me. When we were first married, we were fine financially, but almost right afterward we were broke till recently. Well, we agreed to wait on a kid when we first married, but I find it more than a coincidence that he starts cumming when we’re the best off financially since being married. I understand this, though. It makes sense. I also think God has almost all couples broke their first two years or so of marriage to test their relationships.

I asked Tom if the reason why he didn’t tell me he thought my body would react this way and spot was so I wouldn’t have it playing on my mind. He said, yes. That’s cool. I’ll bet he wouldn’t tell me if he thought I was pregnant till a doctor confirmed that, but that’s cool too, and understandable.

Andy did fall asleep last night at midnight but will be calling later. He won’t be coming over tonight cuz Tom says he’s got to wait and see if he needs those forms notarized.

Tom still says everything will work out the way we want. I hope so. I haven’t been feeling bad, but not too great either. No spots or cramps, but physically and mentally I feel like I’ve got PMS and right on the brink of ragging.

I’ve got the rest of the movie taping. It’s on Cinemax where there are no commercials, but this way I can zap out any boring parts.

Yes, all’s still fine with next door. So fine, that I fear they’re getting ready to move and soon enough I’ll have to go through the same old shit with new neighbors. I just hope to hell they don’t have some kind of plan. Maybe they said to each other, “Let’s be as quiet as we can for a while, then just when they think we’re gonna stay that way, we’ll raise holy hell.” 

It’ll take time for me to not worry as much about them, but the bulk of the worry’s gone, thanks to Tom.

So, that’s it. That’s why the scale says I’m only 100 pounds when I’m so damn bloated. I’ll bet the battery is dying. I’m sure I’m really about 106 pounds.

Later...

Well, I guess Andy will be calling me any minute to tell me all about his trip. I just left him a message to call me when he can, but he or Laura was on the phone.

Tom set up my old speakers to the stereo, so now I’ve got 4 speakers once again. Now it’ll hopefully sound better and a bit more powerful. That was really sweet of him. I’m so glad to have such a brainy hubby.

The spotting has stopped. It kind of stopped last night. This is the first period where I needed no Ibuprofens or big pads in about 10 years.

I’m still really worried about taking on any full-time responsibilities and any changes, due to my schedule problem, but I’m still sure enough that I won’t ever have to worry about that. I used to worry really bad about my teeth, so sure that I’d be a singer, and I just didn’t want to embarrass myself by being a singer with crooked yellow teeth. So what I’m saying is, I learned not to worry over nothing, if I can help it, and also things that are still unlikely to happen or that I don’t know if they could even happen.

On September 15th, it’ll be 28 days since I began spotting, so we’ll see if next month’s spots are the same and on time or not.

I had a funny idea that had me giggling. No, I’m sure I won’t be doing this, cuz no one’s worth it. Certainly not Tammy and my folks, but what if I participated in the depths of their exaggerations, and twisting things around and even their lies? I think they still do tell bigger lies here and there. We all tell occasional white lies. Like I told them I’m dancing to get them off my ass, but I’m talking about constant bullshit or really twisting things around and hyping things up. Like I said, this is just something that I imagine, but what if I surprised Tammy and Mom and Dad with any more letters I may send them if I do? I could say something in Tammy’s letter like, oh, I didn’t know you got pissed off at Mom so bad one day that you ran out of the house stark naked when you were 18. And in my parent’s letter, I could say, I didn’t know you guys used to constantly talk about taking out a huge insurance policy on me, then whacking me off. Then, of course, they’ll go jump on the phone to each other and say, “How dare you say that! This is bullshit!”

Later…

Andy told me lots of stuff about his vacation and says he still has lots more to tell. He’s gonna call me back later and then he’ll tell me more stuff and I’ll tell him about the spotted period and how this ordeal made me go from 100% sure I can’t get pregnant to 90% sure I can’t get pregnant. He says no problem with coming over tomorrow night to sign the form for Tom.

Also, he still wants to read my journals. I can’t believe I said this, but I said I’d let him read the typed versions, but he’s not to tell Tom. I told him too, that once he read my journals, he’ll see that nothing he could say or do or write would be as embarrassing as my journals.

I’m gonna run out of room in this journal, so I’ll write in as much as I can, then jump to the next journal to finish off all about Andy’s trip. So, here are the highlights of Andy’s trip, since I know he’d love for me to document it.

Here’s something that’s pretty ironic, for starters. Back when I was younger and more concerned about what others thought of me and wished someone would put out good words for me, no one did. But now that I couldn’t care less, Andy’s running around the beach doing this big ‘Jodi Promotion’ thing. It’s nice to know that he cared enough to, though. I mean it was nice of him to tell people he wishes they could see me now, my life’s the exact opposite of when I was back east, I’m such a good artist, etc. I’m glad he and Tammy didn’t get to talk long since she was busy. That way she didn’t get a chance to cry all over his shoulder about anything going on with me or the family. That’s my job to do with Andy when I feel like it. Guess I’m not totally innocent of bitching to others, too, about problems I have with others. I think the difference is that I still go to the source first and I don’t say I got hung up on when I was the one that hung up on whoever.

I’m almost done reading the Amy Fisher story I borrowed from Mom. This girl did very wrong, and deserves to be locked up with the key thrown away, but she sure was fucked over and taken advantage of. All the people involved are classic examples of how dishonest, complex, contradicting, lying, exaggerating, and desperate for attention people are. The world is so much into opposite doing. You tell the world right; the world goes left.

I had another weird, yet funny bird dream last night. We moved, and there was a big hole in the bedroom screen of the window. Maybe 6 inches wide. Tom said he didn’t feel like fixing it right away, so I went to bed with a can of Raid by the bed. Somehow, either we moved the birds over there with us, or they followed us and as I lay there on my way to sleep, I thought to myself how I was curious to see where the birds would choose their eating spot to be.

So as I was waking up when the sun was halfway up, the birds flew in through the window one by one. They flew from the bedroom to the kitchen and I said, “Oh, so this is where you guys want to be fed, huh?” 

As I threw seeds for them all over the kitchen floor I said, “Shit! I shouldn’t have done that cuz I don’t want to always have to step around seeds, pull seeds from under appliances, and have the floor all dutied up and now it’s too late. I can never get them out of here now.”

Later…

I wonder if Andy’s back yet. I’m glad my friend’s back or is on his way back, but boy is he gonna be desperate to catch up on his long phone convos! Yuck! He still loves to live on the phone.

Tammy got the bird pictures today along with my letter. She didn’t get into my letter, gladly enough, cuz I’m sick of it and my days of heavy-duty and heated phone conversations or letters are over with as far as my family back east goes. We heard each other out and that’s it.

We got a real kick-ass dust storm at around 4 PM. One of my birds was trying to fly and it looked so funny cuz his wings were flapping, but he wasn’t going anywhere. Not till he turned around and rode with the wind onto the patio where I gave him some seeds. I know birds can sense when a storm is coming, but I guess they can’t sense those sudden dust storms. I hope they’re all OK.

I guess Tom got tired of figuring and speculating about what was going on with me. He says he doesn’t know and has no guesses or ideas about it. He doesn’t like it when I say anything with certainty, yet I do feel almost certain that my body simply got confused and couldn’t get pregnant and couldn’t kick in a regular period, either. I’m still a little watery and my boobs are a little sore, but the spotting has stopped. I’m still sure (I can say whatever I want in here and as often without annoying anyone) that my next period will either be the same or heavier.

Poor Tom overdid today. He trimmed the hell out of the Palo Verde tree out front which hasn’t been trimmed in ages. He conked out a short while ago.

Later…

Oh, yuck! I am so bloated right now, it’s pitiful. The weird thing about it is that I’m only 100 pounds yet I feel 120 pounds.

I realized something about these journals. Guess I don’t ever have to worry about anyone ever reading them, dead or alive, cuz most people hate repetition. Well, there’s certainly enough in here! That I will admit. I wonder what the next long-term, weird, unique issue I’m going to have to deal with for at least two or more years will be.

Robin tried to come by last night, so to speak. She was crying, it seemed, begging me to forgive her for being wrong about next door. She said she would never tell me anything in the future without consulting with God first, for a guarantee of what she says. She also says that she knows I’ve had my curiosities and questions lately, then she goes on to say she won’t give details, but that this time, there’s a very, very very, very excellent chance I’m pregnant. Uh-huh, right. Go away, I told her. Just go away. Whatever’s gonna happen or not happen is gonna be for me to see and find out on my own. Not what she or anyone else says.

Well, Tom’s got 24 days left to tell me what this big secret of his was. I’ve had my ideas, but am still stumped as to what it could be. My guess is a trip to California or some kind of trip, cuz it’s coming up on his vacation time. It better not be, “Guess what? We can go see your family now!” 

No fucking way. That’s OK. I’ll pass. If they ever want to come out here, fine. But I ain’t going there and that includes everyone I know there back east from my parents to Tammy and Larry and Kim. If anyone wants to see me, they’re gonna have to find a way to get out here.

Piggy really, really loves his water bowl. He drinks out of it constantly and he loves his new salt spool, too.

Well, I think I’ll go finish up that Amy Fisher book now. Tomorrow I’ll do some more envelopes up for Larry and maybe some drawings of my own, too, in my sketchbook.

Later…

I didn’t finish the Amy book, but I came close. I’ll finish it later or tomorrow. In a little while, I’m gonna watch TV. That is if the reception’s any good. For now, it’s more computer games.

Right after I wrote how the spotting stopped, I had more. On and off my body still feels like it does right before my period. Tom still says everything’s OK, don’t worry, it’s just the body trying to get used to the change and trying to get pregnant. I think it’s a little late for that this month, but Kim told me something rather interesting. She said it’s very rare, but she’s known and heard of women getting all their periods during pregnancy. She says, though, that it is fairly common for women to get 2-3 periods after conceiving as the body can’t always make the instant change, like mine, and the hormone levels don’t always settle in right away. She said if the uterus lining has given off blood in the uterus, it can’t contain itself, it has to flow out and no, it won’t flush out a fetus. Not unless it’s gushing or there’s some other problem with the fetus that’s causing the bleeding.

She also says I’m right, I’m probably not pregnant now, but on my way. You do never know, though, she says.

True, that this experience has sparked a ray of hope in me, but I gotta watch out. What if I’m being the same old sucker I was with Scott, the singing, and all kinds of other things? Am I just getting my hopes up for nothing as seems to be the case with almost everything I really want? I just don’t want to go back to being that hurt little sucker, who dreamt silly and impossible dreams for nothing. Is God up there with a teasing grin on his face, just waiting to snatch this dream away with such unthinkable finality? Is he just waiting for the joke to be on me, so he can laugh like hell with an I-told-you-so and a you-should’ve-known-better attitude?

I best forget it for now, till and if anything happens, and keep it as pushed out of my mind as possible till I find out for sure whether I really can or cannot get pregnant.

Later…

The people next door have still been quiet. Thank God. Thank God a million times over, as it really lifts the stress off me.

I’m spotting again. Tom said don’t worry. He says my period can be anything but normal this month, and then after that, too, till it exists no more. He said if it had been normal, then he’d worry. I have a feeling, though. If I can and do get pregnant, I can’t see myself getting pregnant, having no bleeding or spots during pregnancy, then having regular periods after the baby’s born. I see myself spotting throughout the pregnancy (maybe by the 3rd or 4th month it’d stop) then slowly regaining a normal period cycle after birth. I know that’s common as the body can’t just instantly adapt to major changes. After my period returned after the near 3 years I didn’t get them, they returned slowly. I had 4 lights ones a year, then in a couple of years, they were normal. I’d think they’d start up faster than that, though, as 3 years is a much longer time for the body to be out of the practice of getting periods than 9 months is. My periods will also probably be heavier like they were in my teens, due to the fact that I’ll be fat. I sure was fat as a teenager.

Well, enough of that for now, cuz for all I know, nothing’s ever gonna change or happen. It’s too soon to know anything for sure and you know I’m not gonna be anybody’s fool or sucker. Not God’s, not myself, not nobody’s.

Andy will be back tomorrow. I have no idea what time, though.

Tom got forms for the mortgage extension and I’ve gotta see if Andy will sign it for him as a witness to Tom’s signature.

Yesterday I got a Little House on the Prairie video. I forgot all about that.

It looks like the spotting is over with. So all in all, I had about 10-15 spots no bigger than a nickel. Some were much smaller. Tom doesn’t know if I could be pregnant and I say I’m definitely not. It still seems logical to me that those spots had to wash anything out that could’ve started growing in there. I think that what happened with us trying to get me pregnant is that my body got confused, the hormones went wacko and it couldn’t take to the egg and sperm, nor could it kick in a period. My guess is that next month, either on time or later, I’ll either have the same old spots or more of a period. Last night I totally felt just like I do a day before my period. I felt some pre-cramps and I was so bloated and my tits were sore. Today I’ve felt the least watery, there have been no cramps and my tits are better. I’m not surprised, cuz my body thinks it’s supposed to be ending its period. About 3-4 days after my period begins, is when it tapers off dramatically. So maybe, just maybe, if God permits and he cums, it’ll take the kid and completely let go of any spots, let alone a period, but who knows? I wish I could know for sure what the hell’s going on and what will go on, but it’s something that we have to wait out.

In just a couple more days, Andy will be back. I expect he’ll want to be on the phone with me for quite a while. That’s OK, even though I’m not into long phone chats anymore, cuz I do want to hear all about his vacation and what he did and who he saw.

What did we have last night? Well, of course, we had a power failure. It didn’t last long, though, thank God. About 20 minutes. I’m sure there’ll be another in a couple of days.

Later...

I just called Larry at his work number and we chatted for a few minutes. Instead of getting me to laugh by telling me it was 40º, he said he was having trouble getting his trucks out of MA and CT due to the snow and ice.

I didn’t know Larry’s business was in CT. I thought it was near their house in MA.

Then Larry said, “Hang on. I’ve got someone here that wants to talk to you.” 

Then I heard him say, “Take the phone in there, Jen.” 

Oh no, I thought. Don’t put Jenny C on the phone, but it was his daughter, thankfully. So we chatted for a few minutes and she still says she’s working on drawings and a letter for me. I’ll be looking forward to it, I told her.

I’m still a bit ticked off when I think of Mom and Dad and Tammy, but especially Mom and Dad. I think they’ll always complain about me, no matter what I say or do. Nothing’s ever good enough for them. Especially mom, who has no tolerance for anyone who isn’t exactly like her. You have to be a carbon copy of her to get along with her. Or if you’re not a spitting image of her, you better kiss her ass if you want to get along with her.

I asked Tom what he thought about my folks discussing problems they have with me with others. He said maybe they just really needed to talk about it. Yeah, he has a point that I can relate to. I really needed to talk to Kim, Tammy, then Andy about when he wouldn’t cum and when I thought he was bullshitting me about wanting/having a kid.

Sometimes I think to myself, whatever’s been said and done in the past is over with. You know and understand yourself and what you should or shouldn’t say or do either now or in the past, so let it go and just deal with them as they are. Other times I just want to dump the whole family cuz I really don’t need their shit. I’ve been dealing with these people for too long. I wonder if it’s really wise to continue to do so simply cuz we’re related. It’s caused way more harm than good. All I need to deal with is Tom. Not these big-mouthed, lying, exaggerating, negative people who want to pit each other against me and bitch about me constantly.

No, I won’t share my music or art with them anymore, cuz if I can’t share it with those who appreciate it, I’d rather just share it with myself. I try to do stuff for them like a drawing here and there cuz it’s a personally made thing from me to them, but that’s just such a problem with them. Can’t they say to themselves, “Some drawings are nice, some aren’t, but it’s her thoughts and efforts that count.” 

Obviously not, therefore I can’t be bothered to deal with people like that. Well, like I told them, they’ll no longer ever hear one word about it.

It burns me up, though, to know that if we did have a kid, I’d want to write to them all about it as it grows, but they wouldn’t want to hear it. What kind of parent does that to their kids by putting such conditions on them, and just what can I write about? What can I tell them about my life or my interests? I may as well go buy blank cards and write: Hi. How are you? Tom and I are fine. The weather’s nice and I hope you both are doing well. Take care and let me know how things are with you. Love, Jodi Lin.

Then send one out every month. It’s like they just want to know that I exist but not what’s going on in my life unless it’s stuff like the weather. It’s like to them, hearing about the same things that make me happy, is just as bad as if I were still getting into trouble.

I’m just tired of them and their ways. I hate people who won’t let others be themselves and I’m tired of them ganging up on me together, making me feel like I’m not good enough, they’ve always got a problem with me and I’m sick of explaining or defending myself to them. I don’t need it. A part of me is sorry I sent that letter telling them how I feel. They don’t want to hear it. All they want is for me to hear how they feel and for me to be what they want me to be. I’m not gonna deal with them at 30 years old and 3000 miles away.

Larry and I both know we’ve done stuff to each other in the past that wasn’t very nice, but as I told him, at least there’s another family member (besides Tom and his family) who’s funny, sane, easygoing, and who doesn’t have a big mouth and judge people by their old ways, mistakes and faults. He’s not intense like Tammy is and you don’t feel all this tension revolving around him and he doesn’t put up a front about a lot of things like Tammy and Mom and Dad do. With Larry and his family, I feel comfortable and I can be myself. He doesn’t get on my ass about the things that interest me, my clothes, etc. Well, when I think of Tammy and Mom and Dad, it’s best to look at their brighter sides. Like how they helped get me out here.

Later…

I just came in from a swim. The pool is still quite nice, and I think the yellow jackets have mellowed out. I haven’t seen one after another for a couple of weeks. I can swim without so much fear now. This is good cuz I thought they wouldn’t go away till mid-September.

I just hope to hell next door stays quiet and doesn’t say, what the fuck, and blast their way in and out. If having power failures every week had to be my compensation for them being quiet, fine.

Later…

Tom picked up a lovely treat for me on his way home from work today. Chinese food. I cooked him pork chops and potatoes.

I just wrote Tom a little love note as after dealing with my family, I can really then see how lucky I am to have someone like him who accepts me as I am.

I wrote: Thanks for loving me so much and letting me be me. For once I am loved and safe from abuse or isolation. It’s like a fairytale/fantasy come true. I always wanted someone like you (I just thought it’d be a woman) to sweep me off my feet and love me so. I also always wanted someone I could love as much as I love you. Yup, we’re one in millions and I believe our love will never die and the flame will never burn out. Maybe God really doesn’t hate me that much. Well, I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you and being a parent with you!

Later…

Kim called today and I had an interesting chat with her, but I’ll write up on it later. For now, I want to play computer games till a movie I want to see comes on.

Boy have I got all kinds of things to write about. I’m gonna try to get the little stuff out of the way first.

We didn’t get the sound blocks or back room done as I didn’t think we would, but that’s OK. We still had a very fun and productive weekend. There also hasn’t been a peep out of next door, which is wonderful. Tom got the patio done and it looks great. He also did lots of yard work and the backyard looks the best it ever has.

Yesterday we went over to Mom’s, but she was still at Mary’s. I did the dishes for her and Tom set up some new memory on her computer.

Later I spoke to Ma at Mary’s to see how she was feeling. She thanked me for helping her out, too.

Andy called collect yesterday from his uncle’s farm 10 minutes away from Tammy’s house. He wanted her number. He didn’t go over, but they chatted for a couple of minutes.

I also finished all 4 of the poster boards and have them hanging up in the music room. They’re all of different flowers.

We got pictures of the birds I took and they amazingly came out. I didn’t think they would. There was one great one of Tom and two shitty ones of me. My body looked OK in the pictures, but my face was terrible. Seeing the birds on my lap and me patting them was really cool and I sent some to my parents and Tammy with letters enclosed. We also got a computer disk of the pictures and they look a bit grainy but are still really cool looking to see the pictures on the computer. We can print some out too, once we get a new color ribbon.

Later…

OK, I just straightened up in here, so now I can get into other things and I think I’ve covered all the smaller things.

Tom told me that he always thought my body would react to us trying to get me pregnant by this period being late, the next one being later, and then no more, as the body gets used to the changes. He said he’d have been a bit discouraged if I’d gotten a typical period last Saturday right on time, as I thought would be the case.

Well, I’ve had a totally different experience, and this is really weird. My last period was super light and easy and this one’s been virtually non-existent. I’ve only had a few light spots that I wiped off. So, I haven’t needed any pads or tampons at all. I know that I can’t be pregnant and that all it takes is a few spots, such as I’ve had, to flush anything growing in there out, but I wonder if anything’s wrong with me. I hope not.

I wore liners yesterday and the day before figuring I’d bleed enough, but today I haven’t had anything on and still don’t need anything yet. Now, you know, that even if I’d had a regular enough period starting two days ago, I’d still have much more than a few small spots and I’d still need pads or tampons. I haven’t had shit for pre-symptoms, cramps and bloating. My tits are a bit sore, but I’ve been holding steady at 100 pounds.

Just as I figured, Mom and Dad did cry to Tammy all about me and all kinds of other things, but here’s the shocking part. Tammy said she never expected or thought for an instant that this day would come. She told me that Ma admitted to being a rotten mother, etc. She says she and Ma had a wonderful talk about all kinds of things from her parents to everything else that went on in the family’s lives. She says ma’s smoking again and that she was crying so hysterically that they couldn’t calm her down. Dad’s eyes were watering too, and that’s only the second time I’ve ever known his eyes to water. I don’t even know if the guy has ever cried at all.

So Tom was right. They really do feel bad about the hospitals and pushing me away and having me drugged up, though it doesn’t change anything. Shockingly, my parents and I agree that yes, I was a bit wild as a kid, but they should’ve been more positive and not pushed me away, yes, I shouldn’t have been drugged, but I don’t fully blame them. Like I told them, they trusted the word of an expert, as far as what to do with me, and it’s not their fault or mine that we were brainwashed. Also, the staff of Brattleboro and Valleyhead did the shit to me they did on their own. Mom and Dad didn’t tell them to. The important thing is that we all recognize where we went wrong and are trying to avoid making the same mistakes in the future.

I guess my parents got the wrong idea in my last letter to them. I wasn’t trying to be mean or hurt them with how I said I needed to be able to be myself, I was just trying to be honest. Also, I wasn’t saying that I was gonna necessarily permanently dump them. I just needed to back off for a while. I asked Tammy if she ever felt I or someone else got on her nerves and she just needed to back off for a while. 

“No, I don’t do that, never did, never thought about it, never wanted to,” is what she said.

Oh. I didn’t know she loved me that much and we’re quite different as people. I thought I was someone she could basically take or leave.

Mom and Dad’s basic problem with me is that they don’t want to hear so much about kids, singing, hair, or weight. She says they said they want to know if there’s a problem, and that if I have a kid, that’s wonderful, they’re happy that singing and other things make me happy, but I guess this is the area that I disagree with my family on. How are words harming anyone, unless they’re abusive? I know most people aren’t like me and Tom who couldn’t care less what people say and how often they say it, but wouldn’t they rather hear the same happy things 100 times a day, rather than a bad thing once? This is the part I don’t get. If they’re happy that something makes me happy, then where’s the problem? They say they want to hear about what’s going on in my life. Well, if I can’t tell them that, what can I tell them? I try to ask them questions about their lives, but if I don’t get any answers, I can’t help that. I’ve never stopped them from talking to me as they seem to feel.

They say that they went to Tammy about our problems cuz they didn’t think they could talk to me. That’s no excuse to drag her into it. She has enough problems of her own and I always believed that if you have a problem with someone, you should go to the source, not someone else.

I know I have a problem with interrupting them a lot, but it’s only cuz I may want to respond to something they’ve said before I forget. I am a very perceptive person, but sometimes it’s hard for me to stay focused in a conversation and it’s easier for me to break up a conversation into chunks. You know how ADD works. I feel like they not only interrupt me, too, left and right but that I can’t even say my piece if they don’t want to hear it and I don’t think that’s very fair.

Tom gave me some advice that I think is very good. I asked him how he thought I could go about associating with them without feeling like I have to be self-conscious and not be able to be myself and talk about things that interest me as well, without hurting or annoying them. He said that while it wouldn’t hurt to not be so repetitious, he also feels that if I write something to them that is boring or whatever they have the perfect right to not read it. Well, I know I’ve always been repetitious and that’s my nature, but I’ll try not to be as repetitious with them from now on. I’ll try to keep my letters as brief and as impersonal as I can, but I need to be accepted as me, too.

I’ll probably be obsessed with my weight and hair forever to a degree. As for the singing obsession, well, that ended about 6 years ago when I realized that I didn’t want to deal with the lifestyle that goes with that, I’m not a people person and I don’t like liars and false promises. The kid obsession, I think I outgrew that about a month or two before he started cumming. I wish we never went through that weird sex life we had and that I could’ve always dealt with my beliefs concerning a kid, but we got through it together, Tom and I.

This is one of the many reasons I love Tom so much. OK, I know I get on his nerves here and there, I’m not perfect, but for the most part, I can be myself and say whatever I need to and as often as I need to. We know I’d rather talk a lot or a little about a problem and deal with it, rather than keep it bottled up and go do something stupid.

As I told my folks, I know no parents are perfect, I’m not perfect and we’ve all done things in the past that we regret. I’m glad my mother has realized her mistakes and that she didn’t have to be just like her mother was. I hope she’ll be more positive towards others and easier to talk to and will talk more. Maybe if I send pictures, for example, she won’t just say that she got them. I hope she’d say something, even if it was to tell me she hated them. Also, maybe she’ll expand on the yes or no answers she gives me when I ask about her and Dad’s life.

Meanwhile, I’ll try to cut down the reps and not tell any more stupid lies like we need money for an abortion. I should’ve just told her flat out we were broke and needed money. Not made up a stupid lie. Tammy did say that she said I apologized for that lie and that I do tell them how much I appreciate them getting me out here. Oh yeah, I know when they’ve helped me and I’m grateful for that.

Hopefully, we’ll find a way to get along while we can all feel that we can still be ourselves and be accepted for who and what we are. I think I’ve got a damn good handle on what my faults and flaws are and am trying to better myself and not repeat any old mistakes I’ve made with myself or with anyone else. For the most part, I’m still happy with who and what I am and my husband and I are what counts the most. I can only go so far to please others, but my husband and I are a different story. I just hope that my family will not judge other family members so much by their past ways and that they won’t exaggerate or twist things people say or do as much. I always felt, and still do, that my sister and parents have a little obsession of their own and that’s that they seem to really want to hang onto that image of me being immature, a liar, and just a nutty wacky bitch. I don’t think they realize that I’ve mellowed out quite a bit over the years and that I’m really not that bad to know and live with. I may be unique in several ways, but at the same time I’m really just your average person and I can’t help what they don’t know or understand about me. Or don’t want to know or understand about me and I told them this. I also told them, that in the end, it’s up to them to believe and feel whatever it is they wish to and that I don’t think I should defend, explain or express myself too much if I can help it. I don’t think that’s something I should put myself through, I don’t owe them that and they don’t owe me anything either. Just basic respect is all.

Tammy admits we do joke about my split ends and stuff like that and that’s OK. Yeah, I told her God saved her from that catfish to hear about my split ends, although on the serious side, I’m sorry she went through such a scary ordeal.

Tammy mentioned seeing Marty and Ruth and that she wanted to know if I had their address to send them a thank you card for clothes they got the kids while they were there. Now I knew better. I didn’t mention it cuz I didn’t feel like getting into it and it’s my business, but I know she really wanted to see if I’d bring up my letter to them and I know she knows about it. If they gave the kids clothes while she was there, she could’ve thanked them in person.

Tom straightened up the back room quite a bit.

Evelyn gave me some more paper that I’m using for drafts.

I guess that covers everything for now. I’ll write more later and add anything I may have forgotten.

I don’t feel too cool today. Instead of the cramps I expected to wake up with, I’ve got or recently had nausea, rapid heartbeat, gas (but am not constipated) and am a bit sluggish. I dunked myself in the pool and ate, so I’ll be feeling better soon.

Tom’s at Evelyn’s now and should be home in a few hours.

Later…

I spoke to Bill a couple of hours ago and they had a wonderful time, but he says the last few days were shitty. It rained like hell for the last 3 days, Bill doesn’t feel well, Lisa got bit by ants and Tammy got very sick by eating catfish. She was at the doctor’s when I called.

I called back and a little while ago and she said there’s no date set yet for surgery for her thyroid, but she’s busy unpacking, does need to talk to me, so call back at 6:30 their time.

Let me guess, it’s gonna be all about Mom and Dad. Well, I’m just gonna tell her they shouldn’t have dumped any problems they have with me on her, she shouldn’t get involved in our problems, cuz she’s got enough of her own and I just want to hear about their trip in general.

I asked Bill if ma drove them crazy. Naturally, she did. Bill says overall she was good, he knows her way is her way, but she was quite a nag to them all. He says he certainly wasn’t crazy about staying there and told her that.

I can’t believe Tammy never called from Mom and Dad’s. Too bad they never sent us postcards. I can only imagine just how much Mom and Dad cried on Tammy’s shoulder all about how horrible I am.

Tom installed a really neat package of software yesterday. It has several schemes for appearance. In the control panel’s settings is where you change all your fonts and colors for different functions. There’s this 60s theme with a tie-dye wallpaper and a really cool screensaver built into it that swirls around whatever’s on the screen. Its main colors are a soft lilac purple with bright green highlighting.

So, I reset my colors, fonts, and sounds, but I’ll need Tom’s help to reset my icons.

Tom says that next door has been there and that his regular car, which has been a Jeep lately, has been there. The weekend will really show if there’ll be any change at all in their music volume.

When I went out to clip my mail up, a girl I’ve seen before was by the side of the house. She may be babysitting. Anyway, I said, “Hi” and she said, “Hi, how are you?” I said, “Good,” then came back in.

Also, I was wrong when I said Tom said I’d know the secret in a month. He really meant within a month. He better make all this waiting worth it. It better not turn out to be something stupid or that there never was a secret.

Later…

Shortly after Tom came home, we went to his mom’s house. No one was there. She’s still staying with Mary after having her hand operated on. Ma’s been feeling OK, but she hates wearing a cast. Who doesn’t? I should remember. And I wasn’t free to move my arm from the shoulder as there was no way I could. My arm was strapped to my body.

Tom spoke to her over the phone and he said he could hear a note of disappointment in her voice that she missed seeing me. I always enjoy seeing her. We were over there for about 3 hours, so if next door came booming in, we’ll never know. He edged and mowed the backyard and I vacuumed.

He says that yes, she did receive a card from my folks.

On the way back home, we stopped at a drive-through for KFC. The drive-through at the place he likes was mobbed, so we came home, ate, and went for a swim.

We screwed after swimming. Neither of us came during the fucking part, but I did once he ate me out.

I was surprised at what he said afterward, cuz it’s something he always said not to worry about and not to tell him back when he never came. He said, “I’m disappointed you didn’t cum while we were screwing. I think if you had cum, I’d have cum.”

Well, I think he’ll cum during the weekend, but I think it was just too late in the day for him. He’d gotten up early and had a long hard day of work. He’ll be at Evelyn’s (of course, as he now works 6 days a week), from about 7:30 AM - 2:30 PM, but I’ll be asleep during more of that. Hopefully, he’ll still have some life left in him after she gets through with him, though.

He says he plans on getting the sound blocks, the back room and patio done during the weekend. All in almost half a weekend? This I gotta see.

I also got all caught up on my sleep and slept the best I have all week, just like Tom said I would. In fact, I slept on and off for 14 hours.

I reminded him that we should screw more often and that once or twice during ovulation times wasn’t gonna do it, if he’s right about my being fertile. I understand and know, though, that a lot’s been going on. If things ever settle down and stay that way for a while, we’ll just have to wait and see how motivated he is and how important it is to him.