Tom said not to worry, but it’s not that easy. I still fear new shit’s gonna be replacing old shit. If my body felt so out of whack due to an attempted pregnancy, imagine how it’d react if I could’ve gotten pregnant.

I just wish so many things weren’t so slow and confusing. I wish they could just be whatever they were gonna be without such long, drawn-out, weird, and complex build-ups. I mean it’s like, can’t we just get the show on the road? Meaning, if I can get pregnant, can’t I just get pregnant? If I can’t, then must there be all these weird and different body and emotional reactions, and can’t I just feel and function normally down there and overall and get on with my life? All the more I feel like God or just life itself was playing mind games with me. Does everything have to be such a mystery? Can’t anything in life just happen or not happen without any build-ups? Not worrying isn’t that easy for me as I’m not blessed with Tom’s ability to not worry and to not want to understand or analyze things. I wish I had a plan and simple answer to what’s going on and to what will happen, but I know that’s just wishful thinking God wants things I care about or want to be such a big deal with all the build-ups, confusion, and dramatics attached.

Later…

Tom asked me to do an art job for him to use in a game he wants to create on the computer that’s sort of like virtual reality. He wants me to pick a room and draw all 4 walls from close up and from further away. I don’t know if I can do this. I’ve got one wall done at a close-up range, so when he gets up I’ll see if I’m going about it right and giving him what he’s looking for. I know him, though. He’ll be too busy to ever use these drawings if I can do them correctly.

I haven’t heard from Andy tonight, so maybe he got all talked out.

Kim called early in the morning and we finally got our current Bob game down pat. She’s sending him a letter saying I called screaming on her machine about there being some trouble, but she hung up. She’ll also say she’s been trying to get a hold of me to find out what was wrong, but Tom and everyone haven’t heard from me. I’ll hold off all mail to him till after Labor Day, then both Kim and I will write to him as if nothing ever happened. If he asks us about it, we’ll deny knowing anything about it. He should get the letter today or tomorrow.

Yesterday I did up 5 envelopes for Larry with flowers and animals mainly and I’m gonna get working on my own stuff for my sketchbook.