As a kid, my favorite day of the week used to be Friday, cuz that would be the last day of school. Now, though, my favorite day is Monday, cuz it’s the start of 5 days of peace. Not that it’s been noisy on weekends, but you never do know, so that’s why weekends are a bit more stressful for me. Next weekend is the 4th of July holiday weekend, so I can only imagine just what might transpire next door.

Woke up at 104 today, but my metabolism is still slow.

I’m getting good color, going swimming just about every day and the patio looks better, too. I’ve decided that at least for a while, I’d just give the birds the heels of our loaves of bread, rather than seed regularly too, to try to reduce their hanging out on the patio so much.

I just tried calling Kim, who said she got in a car accident and that her car was pretty much totaled, but she’s OK. Thank God she’s OK, but what is it with her and all these car accidents?

Yesterday I downloaded a couple of new match games where you match pictures (a lot like playing concentration), and a new and improved version of that tiles game I’ve loved so much over the last month. This one has more and nicer tile sets and has more features to it and it seems to be free of bugs. The other one had a few bugs. I also downloaded some tilesets, too, and Tom will install them when he gets up. He said he might not even sleep for 8 hours cuz he’s pretty well-rested. I thought that Mondays and Tuesdays were when he was the most beat. Anyway, will he be rested enough to return to screwing? We’ll see, but I’m not gonna bring it up and it’s easier for me to go without it more often after my period. That’s when a woman’s peak tends to be a bit lower.

I’m still praying daily, even though I know better and if Tom’s serious about a home business, I really really wonder if that’s got anything to do with his making me wait on him and with his not being in a hurry for a kid. Even he admitted that there’s no urgency and that it’ll happen when it happens. Well, in my opinion, if someone’s not in a hurry for something they claim to want bad and more than anything else, and have been in the right circumstances for it for years, and are plenty old enough for it, then they don’t want it nearly as much as they say they do.

He’s got your typical man’s attitude about this, but as I said, be it consciously or not, intentionally or not, is the business, besides the fact that we got married sooner than he had wanted to, among other stuff, another reason for his lack of eagerness to cum?

If this man ever wakes up and sees that logic and my woman’s intuition are correct about my sterility, I still have some very very serious doubts, fears, paranoia and a whole lot more about seeing a doctor. Regardless of the fact that God’s not gonna let no doctor. give a woman a child that he’s so determined to see remain childless, it’s just not fair and not right. Why should I have to work for and pay for a child? Huh? Why should I? Why should I have to pay for what should occur naturally? Why should I have to do God’s work for him? I still feel the same; if 15-year-olds and psychos can get this act of nature for nothing, and if God can love them enough to bless them with the gift of a child, why should I be any different? What the hell did I do that makes me so much more undeserving and not good enough for me to get pregnant naturally and for free? Well, obviously something up there feels I’m different enough, and I’m sorry, but I’m just not paying thousands of dollars for a miscarriage.

It can take years of a person putting in years of fighting God for something they shouldn’t have to fight him on, but it only takes a second to give up. I’m not gonna lower myself to kissing no God’s ass and I’m not gonna belittle myself into having to work my ass off and pay a fortune cuz God didn’t care enough to create a life in me for having nothing but good old-fashioned sex. Kids aren’t supposed to cost a fortune and be hard work till after they’re born. If he can love and favor teenagers, drug dealers, murderers and rapists more than me, then I guess I’m really doomed for hell when I die, if such places as heaven and hell really do exist. I once heard a lady say that she thinks everyone gets to go to heaven, cuz we all have enough hell on earth to live through. That makes sense to a degree. Life is hard. It’s hard, even if you’ve got it all. Life is so unfair, too, or else Amy Fisher wouldn’t be doing all these years in jail for attempted murder, while O.J. Simpson gets off for a double homicide. And it’s all cuz he was rich, famous and male. Amy came from wealth, but she wasn’t famous and she was a female.

Well, Tom’s 40th was yesterday and it didn’t go too well. A part of me feels that was my fault, as well as him just using stuff I said as an excuse to put a guilt trip on me for making him feel bad on his birthday and so he could get me back on mine. I know my next birthday will be a depressing day of hell just like my 30th birthday was, and of course, he’ll deny that he’s gonna get me back. He’s gonna make damn sure I’m not pregnant by my birthday, cuz of my making him wait to go into business if he really wants that as much as he claims to.

Supposedly he got all bummed out when I mentioned him going into business from the house and he said he was depressed cuz of how much it meant to him, but that cuz I had ordered stuff in the mail under bogus names, it was holding him back. I went along with this, but I don’t believe this is really what’s holding him back. He said it means more to him than I realize, but I haven’t heard him mention it, so I didn’t think his heart was really in it. The same goes for the kid. His heart isn’t into it nearly as much as mine and then he goes on about how having to wait for the kid, will make us all the more grateful and cause us not to take it for granted when we get it (like I would really take it for granted after all these years? I don’t think so!). Yeah, I know how he’s making me wait on that for various reasons and how he’s trying to instill patience in me and all that, but there’s nothing to get or to wait for. He just doesn’t get it. He keeps insisting there’s nothing wrong with me and that we’ll have this kid. He is so delusional about this and so in denial and I wonder how many more years it’ll take him to wake up and smell the coffee.

Once again, I know my husband really damn well enough and I can guarantee you right now that he won’t cum when it’s prime time. Good. Then I won’t have to have reality slapped harder in my face when I see that I get a period that I shouldn’t get. I may not like to be set up for reality to be further rubbed into my face, but at least I’ve faced it and am not running around saying I’m OK, I’ll get pregnant, etc.

If he’s so sure he’s gonna cum more and that I’ll get pregnant, then why hasn’t it happened? Cuz he won’t cum more and cuz I can’t get pregnant.

So, we didn’t screw yesterday cuz he was too depressed. If I had known this conversation that I initiated about a home business would bum him out so much, I’d never have brought it up. He says it’s not my fault, don’t worry, we all say things that either depress or anger a person without meaning to, we can move on, etc, but I’m not stupid. I know I’ll be paid back on my birthday and all the more he’s gonna go out of his way to cum less or at the wrong times cuz of this.

Hey, it’s his choice.

Other than that, things have been fine with us. Last night he mentioned screwing today, but I know that was just a tease out of spite. There’s not gonna be any time to screw today and if there is, he’ll be too tired to screw much, cuz after spending about 4½ hours here without touching me, he left to do his mom’s yard and when he gets in in the afternoon, he’s not gonna be in the mood. So, I guess we’re back to part-time sex for a while. We have had some good laughs, though, and have done some fun things in the midst of all this. We went swimming and enjoyed the roast and chocolate pudding pie I made.

He’s also gonna be selling some of the coins that his dad had collected and I just sorted a little jar of pennies by their years. They go from 1920 - 1963. They’re mostly from the 40s and 50s, though.

Unfortunately, it does appear for sure (unless I’m seeing this all wrong) that next door’s basketball hoop has been unlocked. I just hope the neighborhood kids don’t see this.

This is the second weekend that asshole hasn’t been next door, so next weekend he’ll more than likely be here, the fucking filthy piece of scum!

Teddy Bear’s adjusting well. Unlike Piggy and Bunny who are up on and off throughout the days and the nights, he’s asleep in the daytime and up at night. He loves to sleep in the tube. He’s got his favorite spot picked out.

When I got up, I saw him unload a pile of food from his pouches and it looked like he was puking up seeds.

Ma sent back home with Tom a couple of pictures of one of Mary and Dave’s hamsters walking along Dave’s arm.

Perms dry the hell out of people’s hair and I asked Tammy, who always gets perms, what she uses to help with the dryness and the frizziness and she said to go to a salon and get Gold shampoo and conditioner. If that doesn’t help me, nothing will.

We got the hamster yesterday and he’s sooo cute! There are 3 kinds of hamsters. A teddy bear, a pigmy and a dwarf hamster. We got a teddy bear hamster and fittingly, his name is Teddy Bear. And he really really does look like a live, miniature teddy bear. From the back, when he stands upright, he looks like a miniature cat. We checked out 3 stores before I finally picked him out. I had tried to find a short-haired hamster, but not only did they not have any cuz they’re rare, but I’m glad I didn’t find one, cuz this one’s so cute. He’s a solid crème color with a few touches of light brown. He has brown ears, though. His fur is soft and fluffy, but not overly long. Not like a Peruvian guinea pig, so he won’t get so filthy like those do with their 7” long fur. His body is a lot like a guinea pig’s, only he’s about 3 times smaller, has a little stub for a tail and his ears are like that of a mouse. Guinea pigs have mice-like ears, too, but they flop down and over towards their heads.

The guy at the pet store was saying that hamsters look so cute and cuddly, but they’re not and they tend to bite, but he hasn’t bitten me. Guess it’s just my way with animals and him getting used to me during the ride home. Him hearing my voice, I mean, while he was in his little carrier.

When we first put him in his cage, he screamed at us. It was like a combination of a screech and a bird chirping. He did this in rapid succession for about 10 seconds. It was pretty funny. Immediately, though, he calmed down, and even began exploring, eating and wheeling. We thought he’d be shy, not eat and would just basically burrow for a while without moving.

He let me pat him in his cage yesterday and today he let me pick him up a few times. He loves his wheel, but it was so cute and funny how he was riding the outside of it at first. He got it down pat right away but was just on the wrong side. In no time at all, though, he was wheeling away on the inside of it.

It’s so nice to leave the room and not have to worry about it escaping. He’s more flexible and a bit faster than I thought, but he doesn’t have the speed, jumping ability and agility that Gizzy had. In two hops, Gizzy could get from one side of Mary’s cage to the other, but he’s a bit of a klutz. He falls out of one side of the tube, shuffles across to the other tube at the other side, and instead of quickly and easily hopping up into it like Gizzy did, he pulls his bulky little body up into it slowly. When he first went into one of the tubes (he’s asleep in one of them now), he looked like he was squashed in there cuz of his long fur, but he can even turn around in the tubes and I didn’t think he could.

Tom and I filmed him yesterday and I shot some pictures today, then changed the setup and took more pictures.

Since it takes a bit more effort for a hamster to climb the tubes than for a mouse, I decreased the length of his living space from about 5’ to about 2’. I decided he’d prefer a middle ground, instead of having to climb up such a long tube from the aquarium to the shelf that I had had Mary’s cage sitting on, which was about a 5’ climb. So, I put a small piece of Plexiglas on top of one end of the aquarium, put Mary’s house on that, then made 3 branches of tubing. On the right side, I have a straight piece and 2 curved ones that form a backward C with a long straight bottom. This extends slightly over my little worktable that’s next to the desk that his house sits on. On the other side of Mary’s cage are 3 curved tubes and one T that takes him downstairs into the aquarium, but branching off the top of this tube that is the only tube that gets him from the 1st and 2nd levels, is 3 curved tubes that make a partial S shape. It extends in the opposite direction of my desk and it rests on the rim of the aquarium, right over his ring tube that sits by itself in the aquarium.

This is how the aquarium is set up: on the back wall, from left to right is the tube that takes him from level to level, then resting against the back wall next to that is Mary’s purple plastic wheel (he can at least burrow in this, cuz he can’t run on it), then there’s the water bottle. Against the left side of the cage is the ring tube and in front from left to right, is his food dish that I took out of Mary’s cage and the pink wire wheel. I also put in a little wicker basket in Mary’s cage for him to chew on, but I think it’ll be a little too small for him to nestle in.

I got a nice treat in the mail from Kim yesterday. She sent some cards and pads she didn’t want. One of them is a pad of lined paper from the Marriott hotel in Springfield where she had a nursing seminar. Then there are 3 cute stick-it pads that I’ll use for journal notes. One has a teddy bear, one has Garfield and the other has a mouse.

Then there were 16 really cute little cards and envelopes with different mouse designs on them. These are really little too, that you can’t mail them as they’re only an inch or so big. So, I’ll enclose them in people’s letter envelopes. Here are the people who’ll receive cards - Tom, Andy, Laura, Michelle, Kim, Bob, Mom, Dad, Tammy, Bill, Lisa, Becky, Sarah, Larry, Sandy, and Jen.

Lastly, besides a nice 5-page letter that was basically about her and Walter, she sent some birthday, anniversary, sympathy, get-well, and blank cards. There were 10 of them and I’ll save the get-well card for the next time Tom gets a cold or flu. Meanwhile, I don’t have to get any cards till January, with the exception of Hanukah and Christmas cards. I used the sympathy card to send Tammy, Bill and the girls their little cards and explained all that to them. But I’ve got an anniversary card for my folks and birthday cards for Tammy, Bill, Sarah, Kim and Tom’s mom. I used a “thinking of you” card for Andy and for the little cards for him and his roommate and friend.

I spoke to Lisa today who not surprisingly, gave me a slightly different story about Broadway than Tammy did. I knew Tammy was hyping things up. Tammy said that all the music director needed to hear was a few notes of Lisa singing, but Lisa said she was asked to sing more after their concert. Tammy said she was guaranteed a spot on the top of Broadway, but Lisa said the woman said she’d do whatever she could for her and that was it. Yeah, I figured Tammy was BSing me.

I also wasn’t surprised that Lisa said that Tammy ranked on my hair in the last set of pictures I sent her. Typical jealous Tammy - my hair looks like crap, I can’t sing too well, etc. Tammy could grow out her own hair if she really wanted to, I guess, but it’s obvious that she thinks she’s too fat, old and ugly to look good in it, so she’s jealous of mine and my figure and just how I look in general. She basically always has been and I know that no matter what she says and no matter how much she denies wishing she could sing, she’s jealous of that, too. She’s always been jealous of me and the things I can do well and how I look. I guess sisters go through their share of jealousy to a degree. I mean, I wish I had a kid (not 3), but this is bullshit that Tammy should’ve outgrown many many years ago. The only thing that’s changed is that she won’t cut me down out of jealousy to my face. Perhaps this is both cuz she knows that as I got older I refused to put up with it and also cuz she knows I know where she’s coming from as far as that’s concerned, and why she does it.

Oh my God! I woke up at 104! I haven’t seen that number in months. I know it won’t last long and that I’ll return to the 108 I usually have been over the last year or so, but see? My parents leave and then I lose weight. If only the “right time” in God’s eyes for the kid was after Tom and my parents met. If only that’s what he was waiting for, but I know much much better.

Nonetheless, I’m still praying daily, as skeptical as I still am about it, cuz he seems to be suddenly answering more of my smaller prayers. Not only did he answer the two sleep prayers, but last night, after I heard that dog for the second time at 1 AM, I prayed about that situation and I haven’t heard the dog since, but who knows what I’m really in for as far as that goes? And who knows how much this really has to do with God or just plain old luck? Some things just aren’t obvious whether or not something that happens is really all that influenced by God, but a kid would be different. That would very obviously be God blessing us with love if he gave us that gift, but you know how God is with me - he chose to give me other gifts. The less natural and common ones like singing, etc. And he gave Tom brains galore and a heart of gold.

Once again, this month’s PMS (I’m due tomorrow), has been a piece of cake, too, and I really feel his not cumming during the right time frame has to do with it. Still, I know deep down that no matter how much he cums at the right time, I will get my period. It’s totally senseless for me to worry about a miscarriage, once again, too, cuz if God really wanted to put me through that (guess he never hated me that much) and wanted me to get all psyched up just to lose it at 2-3 months down the road, this would’ve happened by now. God’s had plenty of opportunities to make sure I had a miscarriage and he never has yet, so why would he start now? I’ll just have to remind myself of this (that I’ll get my period and that I won’t have a miscarriage) the next time Tom cums when I’m mid-cycle.

Only about 9 hours left till we get that hamster!

Poor Marla. I totally sympathize with what happened to her. In her email to me, she enclosed some poems she wrote in the 60s, which were very nice. So, I attached my song file and sent her that. Then, I went to check for mail about an hour ago and there was a message from her saying she just typed me up an enormous email and then she crashed and lost it. She said she’s so frustrated so to be patient with her. Yeah, I know all about that kind of frustration when I’d accidentally delete stuff back when I didn’t know what I was doing very well and would want to delete my life, I’d get so mad and frustrated.

Later...

OK, something’s definitely screwy with the scale. Now it says 107 and I know I couldn’t gain 3 pounds on two cups of coffee and a few bites of mashed potatoes, so Tom’s right - digital scales are screwy. Also, I think it said that humidity affects it. Also, I’ve had it lying on its side. I weighed myself at 104 when the bathroom was dry. Then, I took a shower (the bathroom has no vents, either) and weighed 107. My metabolism can’t be that slow. On an accurate scale, I probably truly weigh 105-107.

I’ve proofread the Oswego and Woodside files and now I’ve got one journal left in the Elm file, then it’s onto the Norwich file - Yuck!

Before Tom left for work he was saying, “I didn’t get no birthday cards today,” in a disappointed tone of voice. 

His birthday’s not till Saturday, so I’m sure he’ll get a card from his mom and who knows who else. He has only had one card so far (from my folks), but when he comes home, he’ll have two cuz I just made him one.

Yesterday I managed to stay up 18 hours, so I should have no problem with my teeth cleaning appointment tomorrow. He said he appreciated my noble efforts (he wanted to screw when he got home) to stay up so we could have fun. Well, I do love to have fun myself and I think that’s reason number two as to why my PMS is so much easier to deal with. He didn’t cum, though, cuz it was too close to the last time he came and cuz he had been up 20 hours. In most ways, this gonna be 40-year-old has the energy of a 20-year-old, but for him, cumming and tiredness don’t mix.

Later...

I’m back to 104 again now that the bathroom’s dried up.

I wish we had the extra money to get some of these games registered. Not only would I have an extended and better version of these games if they were registered, but I wouldn’t have to go through the hassles that unregistered games bring. They are a real pain in the ass with all their delays and extra buttons to click.

Just 6 more hours till hamster time and I hope that he doesn’t make me wait too long on him when he gets in, cuz I know he loves that. Anyway, Tom said he wants me to pick out the hamster, but naturally, if they’re too much more expensive than we thought they’d be, we won’t get one today. And if none of them really speak to me, I won’t get one either. Animal shopping is a lot like journal shopping for me. If the right one’s there, it just jumps out at me, so hopefully one of these hamsters will just jump right out at me the instant I see it and will be affordable, too.

Mary and Dave are going to New York for a week, where Dave’s from, so we will be feeding their 4 hamsters while they’re gone, but I’m not sure when they’re going.

Don’t people anywhere give a fuck about their neighbors and about animals? I mean this is fucking great! Just what I need! Someone at one of the houses across the street (I can’t tell which one yet), got a fucking big dog with a fierce, loud bark. A bark like a St. Bernard would have. The front of the house was the only part of the house that was kind of peaceful and now I can’t even have that anymore. Now the living room’s gonna be as loud as the back room is when those two dogs bark. Watching TV and trying to talk to Tom or Andy on the phone isn’t gonna be easy now that I’ve got to listen to this shit in the background. And of course, the dog’s got to be left outside 24 hours a day. Tom says once it gets used to its new surroundings, it’ll stop. Not a chance! I mean, how many more years do those two dogs need to get used to their surroundings? Another 3 years? When I stepped outside to try to see where the dog was, it sounded like it was right at the end of our driveway, so how the fuck can these assholes that got this dog to store as a piece of old yard furniture even sleep?

Later...

Out of all those games I got, there are only 7 games I like and chose to keep. The rest were either full of bugs and they just wouldn’t run, or they were DOS games or just stupid games that I didn’t like. There’s a pretty cool tile game, too, only it uses marbles and not tiles. I only got a few more puzzles, but the coolest thing about it is that from most of my puzzle games, I can open and load any of my Gloria or Norah pictures that I use as wallpaper and screensavers. There are a couple of games I got that appear to be virtually impossible to win. One’s this thing where you click on squares to flip them over till you get the icon you chose and you never know which squares to flip. It’s all a matter of guessing. The other one’s a bunch of blocks and each side of the block has a different color. You must put these blocks into a big square in the form of the pattern they show you. Another one I got that’s just so-so but is OK is this thing where you have to match the color of the square they show you, by sliding color buttons. I believe you have 3 colors - red, green and blue.

That girl Sarah whom I used to be pen pals with for a little while, showed up by surprise at Andy’s place from L.A. Andy says she’s doing well, though.

I hope Andy will find a way to deal with his loneliness, the same way I hope it’ll keep getting easier for me to deal with never having a kid, as it has been. Slowly but surely, I’m getting there and I’ll get by. I don’t have a choice and neither does he. I mean, I wish to hell I was wrong, but he’ll never have his Mr. Right, any more than I’ll have a child. It wasn’t meant to be, or else we’d have had it by now. We all can’t help what we feel, think, believe, or want. But what’s meant to be is what’s meant to be and what’s not is not.

On the other hand, there is one way Andy might stand a chance, whereas I don’t even have a chance. If he just didn’t smoke pot, then maybe, just maybe, he could find a good person. But as long as he’s a user who looks for guys in bars, he hasn’t got a chance. But he still does deserve someone.

I haven’t heard any dogs all night, so that’s good.

Before I update, let me back up to some stuff I’ve read along the way of proofreading the Elm file. This is going back to S. Deerfield in 1991-1992.

There are about 3 things I read that make absolutely no sense to me. Why did I always use to say that I couldn’t remember much of my life up till I was 18? It’s just the other way around and people like Andy and Tom got me to see that. I remember almost everything. I remember too much. Way more than most people, I think, and I just don’t believe I could have any traumas that I’ve blocked out like that therapist Cassandra I had suggested. My memory’s just too darn good for that and I remember other traumatic situations I’ve been in, so why wouldn’t I remember all traumas and why would I block any out? So, if someone ever molested me, then yes, it’s blocked out beyond reach and I have no idea of it.

And what Valleyhead secrets? I had written something about not ever being able to write about secrets from there, but there are no Valleyhead secrets. I’ve written exactly what I went through there and what it was like there, just as I honestly remember my experiences to be.

Lastly, not too long before I moved from there to CT, I had mentioned seeing the apartments I was to move to. No, I didn’t. I never saw them till the day I got there and maybe those “nice” apartments I mentioned seeing there were the ones for the elderly that were further up the road. See, the NHA projects were spread down a long road that goes up to the top of a hill. That hill is the end of the line and there’s nothing but woods back there. Well, the part I said I saw must’ve been further up the road, not as far down to the end of this road up top the hill.

And where in the world did I ever get off thinking that any of these project buildings had skating rinks or elevators? The buildings all looked the same, except for the family and single units where I was. When you enter the road, which is long, but a dead-end, of course, all the projects branch off at the sides. Throughout 90% of the road, are small, square, 2-story houses that the old people were in. That was the better, cleaner, less congested, quieter area, but once you hit the top of the hill and the end of the road, everything’s on one floor, except for the family units that are in the middle of the single units. Each building has 4 apartments and is rectangular-shaped. These buildings are set up around a square court where people would park their cars. This is where it was more congested, trashed and noisy. The elderly houses just look like houses on a typical road, but not where I was. Where I was, there were two different types of building setups. The ones with 2-family units in the center, with a single unit on each side of the 2-family units. These were the 4-bedroom family units. The other buildings had 2-3 bedrooms only.

When in the apartment I lived in, if I looked out my front door, I’d see the square court which was the parking lot, and the dumpster. Also, the other 3 buildings. One was directly across from me, its front doors facing me. Then there was one to my left and to my right, its front doors facing into the court, too. To the left of my apartment was a big field that was part of the school. Behind me was all woods. To my right, was Barbara and her wild family, of course.

I’m sure the elderly people had better living conditions, but I know that the apartments I was in were totally condemned with no luxuries of any kind. I didn’t have a shower; just a tub. I had no garbage disposal, dishwasher, or anything there, but a small, filthy dump with paper-thin walls. The living conditions were pretty terrible. There was no door to the bedroom closet, which was more like a long, shallow alcove, than a closet. I had no shades on the windows and no light fixtures. I had nothing there. Nothing but no sleep and no peace and no life.

Anyway, back to the present. We bombed as planned, and went to Denny’s in Scottsdale.

No freeloader nuisances of any kind and God answered my prayers again. I know this was an easy prayer that may have had nothing to do with God after all, but just plain luck of my own. I asked him to please let me sleep till my body decided to wake up (yesterday was stereo day, so I was a bit worried about that and any bomb effects on my asthma), and that’s just what happened. I slept fine.

Now, if only he could answer my prayers for a child, but I know better. We all gotta just accept fate for what it is.

Later...

Poor Andy. I just spoke with him and he’s really bumming over not having a boyfriend and just about life in general. Well, you know me, I don’t believe a boyfriend’s meant to be for him, or else he’d have that by now.

He said that fat Indian called to tell him he’s been dating someone for a week and Andy’s like, that’s not fair! What about me? Yeah, that’s just what I say when I turn on the TV and hear of a 13-year-old getting pregnant, That’s not fair! What about me? 

So after thinking about it, I asked myself, then him when he called me? If this guy got someone he’s been seeing for a week, then why would he need to call Andy?

Cuz the boyfriend was out of town for a few days on a business trip, he was bored and just wanted to rub it into Andy and brag about it, no doubt. This is why Andy thinks he called and I agree.

Later...

I just had yet another of my many many theories/beliefs as to why I have been denied the gift of a child. And the woman I had wanted, and the singing career I had wanted, and other things I once wanted quite badly.

Everyone says my mother spoiled me as a child cuz of her guilt about my ear. Tom says I’m spoiled, too. Well, if any of this is true, then I wonder if that’s got anything to do with why most of the things I’ve really wanted really bad were denied to me. Did God, the devil, or whatever up there decide - OK, she was spoiled enough as a kid, so now I’m gonna make sure she can’t have the things she wants most. She has to pay for her mother’s mistakes.

But what about the fact that my childhood was also a living nightmare most of the time? What about the living hell I went through with my parents, others, and the things that weren’t just handed to me? Doesn’t that count for anything? I’ve still had to work for and fight tooth and nail for almost everything I’ve had or done. From life’s basic, everyday things, to things like singing, drawing, etc. You know how it is with me - the more normal and ordinary something is in life - the harder I have to try in order to obtain it. (maybe)

How can I be 109 pounds? Well, I am and I know I’m a few days away from my period, but I don’t feel like I’ve gained 4 pounds in two days. Usually, when I’m over 106, I feel it, so to speak, but now I feel like I did two days ago when I was 105. Has my metabolism really gotten that slow that I could gain two pounds a day? Or am I becoming more solid and gaining muscle weight and not inches, water or fat? Anyway, I don’t feel loaded with water and bloated to the point where I feel I’m gonna burst. And my tits are virtually free of soreness. Guess that vitamin E really does help, cuz I feel pretty good and not like such a blimp for being a few days away from my rag, so to hell with what the scale says, even though I still know I could afford to firm up and lose a good 10 pounds or so.

Andy also told me about something that he’s told me since he got here he’s felt alienated by his family, with the exception of his sisters.

I got a recipe from a gelatin box for Fruity Crème Desert, so I copied it into the index card notebook Ma gave me and I typed it up for her, too.

One more hour till I go get him up. I’ll have to ask him since I don’t know for sure, but I wonder if we can store paper plates and stuff like that in the oven and microwave?

Amazingly, I woke up at 105 pounds a couple of days ago. First time I’ve been that low in months, but I know it won’t last long.

I downloaded 42 puzzle, maze, logic, tile and match games. It took 1½ hours, but I can’t wait to check them out! I went about finding these in a different way. On AOL, not the Internet, I brought up a search form and typed the word “puzzles” and got a list of 250 hits to scroll/check.

The only thing about this method that’s not so cool is that it doesn’t show the game to you like it does with the kid’s games in their game section. I really prefer to see the game’s graphics and layout first, but I’ll just delete those I don’t like as I normally do anyhow.

I’m kind of bored at the moment, not that there aren’t things I could be doing. It’s just one of those nights we all have every so often when we say to ourselves, I could do this or this or that, but I don’t really feel like it right now.

Anyway, I did make a roast earlier and it came out great! Best one I ever tasted and it just melts right in your mouth. It’s not the eye of the round roast that mom and I cooked when mom and dad were here. Tom couldn’t find that, so he got something else (can’t remember what it’s called), and his mom said to cook it the same way. Well, from now on, this is what we’ll get. It’s cheaper, too. Instead of putting a can of whole potatoes and a can of sweet potatoes around the roast, though, I put two cans of whole potatoes around it. I like whole potatoes better than sweet potatoes and I’m sure Tom agrees.

I finished proofreading journal 17 earlier so now I’m down to 58 more to go. I only need to read up till I hit 99 and when I go through the 30s - 70s, it’ll go quicker. The rest are longer and more thorough with no illustrations or letters copied in, etc.

Gizzy still hasn’t been caught, either.

Later...

Boy, was I ever wrong in a great kind of way! Yes, I’m psyched to report that really early in the morning, he came! He came big time. So that once again increased my faith. Not that God will allow us a child, but that things will work out nonetheless, and that my husband is just what he says he is. I’m happy to have pleased him and once again, I feel a lot more normal, so to speak. It also pleases me to know I please him and I’m sorry that my paranoid and suspicious side had kicked in again and that I had thought he was pulling my leg and decided to hang up the juice for quite a while.

Just maybe I will resume praying again (I hadn’t over the last few days) and he sure did answer a prayer of mine earlier.

Me and the fourth hour of sleep just don’t seem to get along. We had caught and freed Gizzy at about 4 AM, so we decided that we’d bomb real early Sunday morning. I fell asleep at 8 AM, then awoke at 12:30 so hungry. So I went and grabbed a couple of granola bars, smoked a cigarette, and begged God to allow me to fall back asleep, cuz if I didn’t, that would’ve screwed up our plans (we’re also hoping to get the hamster on Wednesday when my schedule’s wrapped around enough so I can be up between 10 AM-noon to get it) So, here I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep, praying to God to let me, and the next time I opened my eyes it was just after 4 PM, so that worked out really well.

There have been no cars next door, either, so I’m sure that it’ll be next weekend or the one after that that he’ll be there.

Hopefully, Gizzy’s happy being a free mouse now and has found a little partner. We know that a part of his sudden desire to be free wasn’t just cuz he started off as a wild mouse, but also due to that natural urge to go make babies. Yeah, I know all about natural urges, but at least Gizzy’s been given a shot at that and can get that. I just hope that no cat gets a hold of him, but I can feel that he’s alive out there and is happy.

Later...

Tom’s gonna be crashing in a few minutes, then I’m gonna get him up at 4:00. We’ll bomb, and then go to Denny’s. We only need to be out of here for two hours.

I de-dutied the patio so that when we move the Piggy and Bunny hutch out there, it won’t have to be put down on bird duties. Bunny will be outside while we bomb, of course, but Piggy will come with us in the aquarium that’s been Gizzy’s downstairs area and will be the hamster’s downstairs area. We’ll throw the tubes and the wheel in the hutch. I’ve got to get some preparations done, by covering some stuff. I’ll wash whatever got hit by the bomb that I couldn’t cover or stick in the refrigerator when we get back.

Later...

Just saw yet another spider. Just 7 more hours, you suckers!

I was cruising through the web last night when I found a site with real-life ghost stories, told by several different people and of their experiences with the paranormal.

I’m glad I wasn’t asleep just now. Some guy just knocked on the door cuz he was looking for someone on 31st Dr. Yeah well, he’s a few blocks away at least. First I heard him try the doorknob, so if he doesn’t know this person well enough to know where they live, why would he try the knob? Anyway, I pointed out where I think that address is and he drove off, so I didn’t need to kill anyone tonight.

I’m still waiting for that darn mouse to go into his trap, but so far he hasn’t been in a hurry.

I awoke from bad dreams after only about 4 hours of sleep and was amazingly not tired all day. In fact, I felt the best I’ve ever felt from only 4 hours of sleep since I was around 21. Maybe that’s cuz I slept a long time yesterday, but I’ll need to catch up the next time I crash, so hopefully nothing will disturb me in any way.

I also hope there’ll be no shit from next door.

I swam at dusk and it was so nice and that’s a fine time for it too, cuz that way you know the bees are gone, but you’ve got just enough light to see if there are any dead bugs floating on the water that you don’t want to swim into and have tangled in your hair.

I would’ve died of a heart attack if I had been the one to encounter what Tom encountered on his way to work outside the garage door. One of those huge, scary and disgusting spiders. He said it was just about as big as his hand.

Well, Gizzy sure wasn’t home for very long. He escaped last night, so this time - he’s out of here! I still love that darn little cute mouse, so if he wants his freedom so bad and if that’s what’ll make him happy - so be it. I’ve got the trap set up and he’s probably asleep now and won’t be caught till well after sundown.

Tom set up the 10 games I downloaded and there are 3 of them I like. They’re cute little matching games, but the others were a bore and I didn’t get as many drawing ideas as I thought I would, but that’s OK.

I’m going back and forth in my mind from feeling like maybe the reason why Tom either doesn’t cum or cums so little, is cuz of me. One minute I feel it’s him, then me, and I always feel like there’s a third party at work too, that’s involved in this. As involved as we are. Maybe more.

Maybe I have been a selfish, paranoid, spoiled, negative, pushy bitch. I don’t know. Tom did say that he always thought counting cycles was negative and unnecessary and that it wasn’t helping him, but that he thought it was important to me. Not if it’s a bother to him. Besides, I can see a couple where a guy cums regularly, doesn’t get the woman pregnant, then they count. So, for us to count really is a waste. He also says yet again that if I quit trying to fix things, things will work out and he won’t feel like I stopped caring as I worried he would if I just seemed to have given up on it and also with suggesting stuff to do to help us. Maybe he’s right and he’s gotten me to see things in a whole new light. I had always thought that if you had a problem, you should do everything you can to fix it, but perhaps not. Trying to fix and not trying to fix my smoking situation has never worked, but we did have to fix the stereo. And then there are the weight problems I’ve had on and off during my life. Sometimes, I’d try to fix that to no avail, give up, but then it’d fix itself and I’d lose weight. So maybe it depends on the situation you’re in and are dealing with.

It’s time to really start giving my husband the benefit of the doubt, shut up, and see what happens. I still believe we’re not destined for a child per orders of something up there, but just maybe I really have been too hard on him and as a reminder to myself - there have been things I swore he wouldn’t or couldn’t do and I called him a liar about these things, but he was the one who ended up right and I was wrong. So like I said, I’ll just back off, stop trying to fix this, be negative in my mind only if I can’t help but feel negative and try not to speak out loud any negative, skeptical or paranoid thoughts, and just see what he does and what happens. For all I know, he may truly believe in his mind that this is our ticket to a child, but be totally wrong (naturally), but there’s only one way we’ll find out if it’ll help him to at least get off more and that’s by doing what I just said I was gonna do. It may be hard at times, but for now, if I have to just write my thoughts down or talk to the animals or the walls, that’s what I’ll do if it’ll help make things better. Even Marla suggested this.

I don’t know if I should keep up the praying to God as I said before, cuz that would be asking for him to fix things and that wouldn’t be just letting time see if it could fix itself and I’m still sure God’s not on our side and that there’s no help from him. If he hasn’t answered my prayers in 3 years, why would he answer them now?

Tom says he doesn’t blame me for anything, but I told him that if I’m responsible in any way for us not having a child now, then I’m truly sorry.

I think I’ll go for a swim tonight after the bees go to bed. The pool’s now perfect for nighttime swims.

I have decided to stop the daily praying to God. Since I’ve been doing this, there have just been too many problems. My lungs have been worse and I’ve been more depressed, so I’m hanging it up. Whatever it is up there that’s always dealt with me and my life, be it God or the devil, it doesn’t give a shit about me, so why should it start giving a shit now? Let it not give a shit. Let it think I don’t deserve a child. Let it not help me after I’ve tried to help myself. But I’ll be damned if I’ll let it hurt me by this and rule my life any more than it already has. God may control my body, but I’m gonna be the one controlling my mind for once. I’m not gonna waste my time bullshitting myself by telling myself I’ll have a child. I’m gonna be strong and tell myself what’s meant to be and what’s not and just deal with it. Life has to go on. If anything, I think I’d have a hell of a better chance at telling myself I don’t want a kid and why I shouldn’t have one, than trying to convince myself I will have one. I said I was gonna make a game out of what’s reality here, so maybe it’s time to start writing and thinking in terms of reality - that it’s a good thing it’s not meant to be, I’d be just like my mother, have no freedom, the marriage would suffer, etc. Then I can really feel blessed by telling myself I have a God-given built-in birth control system for my own good and protection and be glad that we can always “miss it.”

Not only can I not force Tom to cum, to go to a doctor (which wouldn’t help) and to want a child more than he does, I can be grateful for what I do have and for how things are and just go with the flow of them. There’s no use fighting fate and I’ll admire my strength and determination to walk away from and stop fighting fate and dreams that are just dreams.

Tom was really tired yesterday and I had asked him if he was glad that things wouldn’t be changing and he said no. Well, I know he is glad that things won’t be changing and at least he knows and admitted that.

Anyway, it’s time to think of him for once and not for myself. If he’s happy not cumming and if he really doesn’t want to go to a doctor or be a dad, then God and I will be happy for him that he’ll get his way.

Enough baby talk for now and onto other things and onto real life.

Marla said she told Andy the same things I’ve told him. That the pot makes him too air-headed and forgetful and that he’s looking for Mr. Right in all the wrong places. When it comes to guys, friends and roommates, he has this particular fascination with the druggie. I know, though, that it’ll be hard for him to find someone that’s clean, even if wanted that. Most folks just aren’t too clean and he would have a hard time finding a drugless person as he himself is a user. A drugless person isn’t usually gonna go for a user.

Boy, was it a scorcher out there today. A high of 114º. The pool is like bathwater.

Tom picked up a nice appointment book. He was gonna use his laptop, but he hadn’t really kept up on it like I thought he wouldn’t. The keys were screwed up, though. Well, hopefully, he won’t waste this nice new appointment book he got and will organize his time better with it. He had said he wanted to do this to free up more time. It’s to divide the time spent with me/us/household stuff and time spent with his mom, in a way that’ll allow him to use time better.

So far, we’ve still been having more sex which is nice, but I’m curious to see how long he can keep up with it, even though I know his cumming days are over. Or are over for quite a while.

I wonder, though, why did he want to count my cycle last month and this month? He had said that he didn’t think that was necessary and I agreed to go along with that, so I don’t know what he’s up to other than teasing or God only knows what. He had said we’ll start 3 days earlier next month, but that’d be really pointless as long as he chooses not to cum.

I caught Gizzy last night. He had been trapped in Tom’s little room, so he opened the door a crack at about 10:30, and about two hours later, I trapped him in the kitchen by the stove.

Whenever we get a hamster (and I expect Tom will have me “wait” on this), we’ll probably set him free. That way I don’t have to worry about his escaping and it’s a bitch to try to clean the cage or to try to move an animal (if we bomb) that’s wild and that just cannot be tamed. I can’t just go pick him up like I can with the pig and the rabbit. And like I could with a hamster.

Later...

Oh, so next door’s getting in at around this time these days, huh? At least I only knew so due to hearing the car door, but that’s probably cuz it wasn’t him. I think it was her female friend. I can’t wait to see what he does the next time he’s over there, but I just hope to hell he never ever moves back in there, cuz then there’s gonna be lots of trouble around here and I’d rather not have to deal with it. I know that if I really wanted to or needed to I could make them scared enough of me to not play their music above a whisper and to not do anything to the house or in the way of complaints, but I’d rather not have to deal with the stress of that. They’re not worth it. No one is. I’d just rather have my sleep and peace around here without having to kick ass for it or scare anyone for it. It’s like with how I bitch about how people shouldn’t have to work for a child. Well, no one should have to work for peace around their house, either. Not unless they do have a child, cuz that goes with the territory. If we had had a child, we certainly wouldn’t have been able to hear ourselves think around here, that’s for sure.

OK, I think I’ll go get some proofreading done now.

Later...

As I sit here, I do some thinking and I wonder - did I ever really want a child as bad as I said? Well, the answer’s yes. If I could snap my fingers and be pregnant now I really would do so, even if God would be just as quick to snap his fingers and make sure I lost it. If Tom begged me to see a doctor as time passed without a baby resulting, and if he was encouraging all the way through due to my belief that God would foul it all up for us, then I would go to a doctor. But this isn’t gonna happen. He can live without a child just fine and even though he says he wants one, any guy that can say “OK, fine,” when a woman says they won’t have a child, as I’ve done at times, can’t be all that serious about wanting one. After saying it was fine, I know he’d never have said one word pertaining to still wanting one or one word to try to change my mind and that tells me right there, that he was never that serious.

So, my point is, maybe it’ll be easier to give up than I ever thought it would (not that I have a choice), knowing he doesn’t want a child that bad and knowing a doctor couldn’t beat God for us and win. Maybe I just don’t think a child is worth the risk of God punishing me for going to a doctor’s office. And maybe a child’s not worth trying to “make” my husband want a child as bad as me and to cum more and this is something I certainly could never do anyway. Tom has to want to cum and to cum a lot and to want the child enough to see a doctor of his own free will. No one else can make him. He will not cum on command, therefore, if we went to a doctor now, in 5 years or 10 years, and they tell him to cum so they can either test his sperm or use it to fertilize an egg, there’s no way he’ll do this. It’s more important that he not cum for a reason and cuz some doctor said to (even if he agreed to it) than to have a child. So as long as Tom’s the way he is, we don’t have a fighting chance and we certainly don’t stand a chance against God who doesn’t give a shit and who won’t help us at all. God could’ve made sure we hit it right when he was cumming. Or he could’ve made sure one got away from his pre-cum and hit an egg, but no. God does not want to see us help ourselves. God does not want to help us. God does not want us to succeed.

As long as Tom’s gonna run around saying he’ll cum more and I’ll get pregnant, which is bullshit, then I can’t care enough to do anything more than I already have to try to get pregnant. If he came more or suggested a doctor to help him cum more and to see about what we could do to get me pregnant, then yes. I may care more and not feel so much like giving up. And this is regardless of the fact that I could never be allowed a child, anyway. Let him be the one to decide he wants a child and to suggest a doctor for once. I know this won’t happen as I said, but if it did, then I’ll go to the doctor and get a miscarriage. For now, though, as far as I’m concerned, my husband either subconsciously, consciously or both, doesn’t want a child that bad, so he doesn’t cum and he doesn’t push for seeing a doctor and therefore, I care less, knowing I can’t make him feel the way I feel.

Let him do what he does best - tell me he’ll cum more and I’ll inevitably get pregnant. Meanwhile, I’ll give up and call it the hopeless, closed chapter of my life that it always has been.

I downloaded 10 little cute kids’ games for drawing ideas. I still don’t have the smarts to unpack them, so hopefully Tom can do it soon.

I gotta go get him up soon.

Why do I have a feeling that the frequent sex we had was just to please me, as well as something else I recently wrote about, and that it’s coming to an end? Well, if he’s hoping I’m gonna beg him for it to pick up again, he’s wrong. I’m not gonna be teased or played with.

I’m recording a movie now too, so I can zip through the baby commercials all about home pregnancy tests, not doing drugs while pregnant, getting an AIDS test before pregnancy, etc.

I’m sitting here trying to get online, but that’s not looking very possible. That’s probably cuz I had been online for so long earlier and they don’t want me hogging up one of these cheap asshole’s lines for too long. I’m trying to find online books to print out.

Still no sign of Gizzy and am pretty sure he got out of the house.

I’m making chicken wings now.

I woke up wheezing after 4 hours of sleep (if you’re gonna wake up with an attack, it’s always at the 4th hour of sleep), but 45 minutes later I had it under control and went back to sleep for another 5 hours.

AOL is really ridiculous and it looks like they’re just not gonna let me online.

Tom’s running some errands now, but I guess he’ll be in any second now.

Although I’m still doing better as far as my mental state goes, I’m rather depressed today. All this praying to God, listening to those who say we’ll have a kid, trying to tell myself things will work out, is just a joke. I know what I know. Dreams that have been dreams for years don’t just suddenly jump out at you and become a real-life thing. I’ve heard people say that they prayed for years to get stuff they’ve wanted. Well, I’ve been praying for years and I haven’t gotten what I’ve wanted, so that’s a sign enough that I’m asking for the impossible. There is just no way I’ll ever have a child. And there really is something up there that wants to see me hurt by this and that doesn’t like me.

I can’t believe I even brought up the idea of seeing a doctor next year. Like that’d really do us any good? Yeah right! Something hasn’t allowed me to become pregnant for a reason. Therefore, if any doctor sticks a fertilized egg in me, it’s just gonna be removed. Stolen. Taken away forever.

Another thing is, I know now for sure that Tom has gone back to not cumming and it’s of his own doing and his own desire to do so and I know this is a long-term thing. Meaning, if he ever cums again, we’re talking another 2½ years or so that he’s gonna refuse to cum. He can blame me, he can blame the heat, he can blame his racing heart, he can blame anything, but it’s his own choice and free will that’s doing this. This is why he’s been reassuring me that things are “perfect” and that I’m so great in bed. Cuz he doesn’t want me to feel guilty for something that he’s chosen to do. After thinking about it, I realized that it’s not only obvious that he’s quit cumming since it’s been two months since the last time he came, but there is no more room in my mind for doubt about this. I’m 100% sure he’ll either not cum again for a very long time or never again. Yeah well, there’s no way in hell I’m going to go to a fertility doctor, let alone both a sex counselor, as well as a fertility doctor, cuz I just couldn’t deal with it and it wouldn’t do me any good. I’d never win and get what I wanted.

I also know that God has a big part in this, too. Meaning, if he didn’t want Tom to quit cumming, he’d influence Tom, probably without Tom even knowing it, and Tom wouldn’t want to quit.

I also wonder if this having more sex lately is both a cover and a show. Perhaps it’s to ease his guilt and to compromise with me in his own way, by giving me more sex, cuz he knows he’s not gonna cum. And perhaps he said to himself, Well I don’t want to cum anymore and I don’t want to see her go through a miscarriage and I don’t really want a kid all that much, but to cover this up, I’ll give her sex more often with the hopes of her not suspecting the truth.

He said that the more he screws, though, the more he cums. Well, we’ve been doing an awful lot of screwing lately, so why isn’t he cumming?

People work building houses. People pay money for cars. But you can’t put a price on life. People aren’t supposed to work for and pay for kids. But if they must - why can’t some teenager work her ass off for it for once? And why can’t some murderer go out and “buy” a 5,000-dollar or more baby? I’m not gonna work for and pay for what God and nature intended for people to have naturally and effortlessly.

Later...

God, this business that calls all the time just doesn’t give the fuck up! It comes up as only unavailable on the box with no name or number and they only let the damn phone ring twice. Like most people can get to the phone that fast? I don’t think so.

When I got up at 10 AM I noticed that Gizzy escaped, since I took the Plexiglas sheets off of the top of the aquarium, which made it easier for him to get out. Tom noticed he wasn’t in his cage, too, a couple of hours earlier. So, Gizzy’s not happy with just his wheel and home, huh? Well, we talked about it and we’re gonna get a hamster. I’m tired of animals that can jump and escape so easily, whereas hamsters are kind of fat and bulky and can’t jump any better than guinea pigs can. I think Gizzy’s escaped through the large enough crack in the back door, but if I catch him, I’ll keep him till we can afford to get a hamster, then I’ll set him free. It’s time for him to return to the wild. I love him, but he’s too much trouble and just isn’t worth it.

I’m back to say that we had a wonderful anniversary and God actually answered my prayers! Not a peep out of next door and nobody attempted a ballgame for 5 minutes or more, either.

We went to see his ma and he took her to church. While she was in church I played some computer games and sat in her chair that vibrates to give massages. It was OK. Nothing great. You can vibrate the seat of the chair, as well as the back of it, but nothing replaces a good pair of hands giving you a massage.

I got a kick out of how Ma said I wear sundresses well and that my bust is high and my stomach’s flat. I still may be high-chested, but my stomach’s anything but flat.

Then we went to Baskin Robbin’s and he got a malt and I got a caramel sundae.

As we were pulling into our driveway, I saw a royal blue car parked next door, but it left soundlessly.

When we arrived here at the house, which was around noon, there was a message from my dad and one from Andy.

Dad wished us a happy anniversary and Tom a happy birthday.

Andy’s message was kind of rude and selfish. When I talked to him yesterday I had mentioned that today was our anniversary, but instead of wishing us a happy anniversary, he bitched about his problems. Bitching about his problems is fine with me, but perhaps he’s a bit envious. I know he’d love to be having a third anniversary with a great guy, and like Marla and I both agree, as well as others, I hope he’ll have that chance someday.

Yesterday, after he bitched about Laura (it’s like Laura’s the old me and I’m now Brenda since he used to bitch to her about me when he lived with me), I left him a message letting him know that he’s still a good person, regardless of what she’s done wrong to him. Or even anything he may have done that he shouldn’t have. And also that he’s not the old Andy M and he is a good roommate. He was really pleased to hear this and thanked me for it, saying it was a nice thing to say. I think it cheered him up a bit and that’s nice to know.

So, about an hour after we got home, we screwed, then planted the cactuses, then screwed again a few hours later. It was great, but of course he still won’t cum and I’m still just not sure whether he really can’t for various reasons right now, but will cum soon, or if he’s deliberately decided he’s gonna quit cumming. Time will tell, I guess, but cuz I know I’m not destined for a kid and cuz he has finally cum after 2½ years, I’m not as worried about it. He has to do what he has to do.

I told him I was a bit paranoid that it was me not being good enough and how I’m sorry I can’t always satisfy him, cuz I do love him so very much and he said things are great, and if I love him, I’ll relax and let things be. He has a point, but I told him to remember not to think I stopped caring or that I won’t do my best to please him in any way, cuz that’s my job as his wife who loves him.

I also spoke to Kim, who I had been worried about, cuz I hadn’t heard from her by way of phone or mail, but she’s doing well enough. She’s been busy, but she’s still with Walter and I’m glad for her.

I got a kick out of next door watering a good 5 feet or so of our yard. No, I wouldn’t have been pissed if I’d had clothes on the line, since that got drenched, cuz I’d have just left them out there longer. I asked Tom if he thought it was deliberate or if she just didn’t know any better and he said it was probably cuz she didn’t realize how she set it up. So, the clothesline, the hedges, the bird of paradise tree, and one palm tree, got watered quite well.

I still can’t believe that for it being Sunday, I haven’t heard one stereo go blasting by. On a typical Sunday, you usually hear that about 4 times a day here. And I’m also pleased to know that next door’s been quiet, but who knows at what volume he’ll come in at during the one or two weekends a month he’s here, but I can deal with a few times a month a whole hell of a lot better than I could deal with a few times a day like in the past.

Well, I screamed at next door this morning. At fucking 6:30 in the morning, right after I got up, they had their music playing, so I went out and screamed at them about that and the time, then slammed the door on them. It was that burgundy car and some guy I’d never seen before was at the passenger door, then what I think was the woman that lives there, was walking towards the car as I was yelling at them. I’m sure asshole Mike was behind the wheel, but I couldn’t see.

Tom saw me do this, so naturally, I thought he was gonna be pissed off at me all day, but all he said was that the music wasn’t too loud and I should’ve waited 5 or 10 minutes, but that the music was only going on for a minute or two. And that he hopes they won’t lodge a complaint to the city about our weeds or our old, deteriorating roof.

First off, I’m sure that if they’re gonna “get me” for my outburst, it’ll be by playing music louder and more often and by way of obnoxious parties. Secondly, no it wasn’t that loud, but the point of the matter is, is that I could hear it enough and I’m not gonna take their rude and obnoxious shit and I don’t care how often it is or for how long each session lasts. I don’t want to hear them. I don’t want to know that they exist. And I’m not gonna put up with them. I haven’t put up with them for months and that was the end of it back then and my days of dealing with disrespectful neighbors are over. I’m not going back to the old days when I tell them nicely over and over just to get no results and have my requests for them to turn their music down fall upon deaf ears. Now, I know that God’s not gonna let me just walk away from this and I know that this won’t be the end. Yes, after I yelled, they turned the music off and left quietly, but I’m not stupid. I know God will get me for this by either having them come blasting in like hell later on, or by him having something else go wrong in my life, but I’m not gonna just sit back and take it, either. If I hear their music again and if it’s above a faint whisper, they’re gonna wish to hell they never moved into that house!

Well, Tom was cool about it and he understood, but he also knows that I believe there are boundaries and limits set on when to worry about retaliation and all that and when it’s time to speak up. Really speak up, since talking nicely and quietly doesn’t do shit with people like this.

Later...

Oh shit! I really think history is repeating itself here. He and her and whoever that guy was that was with them is still gone, but now there’s someone over there doing a very thorough job on their lawn, and that spells out p-a-r-t-y to me. And the thing of it is, is that they all went somewhere in the morning last year, too, before coming back to party from around 2:00 till God knows when. Well, he stood at the house at the time, then she and that nice lady that I said hello to once, took off somewhere, but then came back and it was party time. At this time, though, right before or right after they took off, the grounds were being done.

I’ll bet that the Saturday and Sunday of the 7th and 8th, the only reason why they didn’t party was cuz perhaps all the people weren’t available, but let me guess - they’re gonna come blasting in in a couple of hours, then they’re gonna party till at least 10 PM. Meanwhile, Tom will be here (he’s at his ma’s now) and he won’t want me to shut them up for fear that they’ll do something to the house. Or lodge a complaint against us.

Well, if they don’t party, I better enjoy the peace while I can and until it’s the best time to really set them straight permanently, cuz I know that both God and they are gonna make sure that they make their arrival back here very well known. I wish I could say otherwise and that they just went on a day trip somewhere, but will quietly return later and that the car will take off for 2-3 weeks, as usual, then all will go back to how it has been over the last several months, but I know better. If I let him have his way, he’ll always blast in and out, no matter how often or how little he stays over there.

Tomorrow, Tom and I are gonna go visit his ma, then we might go to a Denny’s or someplace like that. That would be nice, although it’ll be crowded and full of screaming kids, cuz parents today don’t know how to properly discipline their kids. And you don’t need to be violent to do so, either. It’s just that they don’t give a shit and people with kids think they own the world.

Well, I’m a bit nervous now, but I will enjoy the peace while it lasts. I’ll be back later to let you know that yes, they came in very loudly and/or partied, too, as I know that if not both, then one of these things will happen.

Gotta finish up the laundry, do the dishes, and finish proofreading journal 15. Then I’ll have 60 left to do.

I just realized something else, too. If they really do have a big party like last year, there’s not only gonna be about 4 vehicles coming and going and about 8 adults, but there’ll be at least 4 kids and you know what they’re gonna want to do? Yup. Play ball. So today will probably be the day my little lock will be discovered, and all they have to do is untangle it and pull it off, cuz I couldn’t actually lock the damn thing.

Later...

Amazingly, no one’s come in yet next door. Maybe they really have gone on either an all-weekend or an all-day trip, but I’m still really curious to hear how they’re gonna return, even though I’m sure I know what to expect.

Just talked to Andy and he’s having a hard time with his roommate. Like I told him, if he’s got to have a roommate, why must it always be a druggie who’s always broke, cuz they spend all their money on drugs? Can’t it be a clean roommate? Then again, clean people are a lot less common than druggies are.

Marla just told me the biggest piece of bullshit she’s ever told me. And if it’s the truth, then yes, I was very right in my belief that the more you don’t want kids, the more you have them and vice versa. She said she’s had 3 abortions prior to having her two boys and that she gets pregnant very easily. She said she’s gotten pregnant on the pill, with rubbers, and by the rhythm method. That is so unfair! I’d normally say that that’s not scientifically possible, but yes, it is, with the way God, the devil, or whoever is just so obsessed with giving kids to those who want them least. What did God do when he created people? Sit there and decide that those who want kids less shall get them and vice versa? And why? If I were the master of creation, I would want to give kids to those who did want them. That only makes sense, doesn’t it? I wonder, though, how many times would I have gotten pregnant if I didn’t want them? How many abortions would I have had? How many kids would I have living with me? Or taken away? Or put up for adoption? Well, I want a kid, therefore, I can’t have one.

Later...

Tom’s opinion of what Marla said was that she is full of shit, cuz the pill, condoms, and the rhythm method, cuz these methods are virtually fail-proof. Regardless of what she was or wasn’t on, though, the fact still remains that something up there gave her 3 unwanted babies and hasn’t given me one wanted one and that’s really unfair and it really sucks.

Next door still hasn’t been in yet, but I heard some kids (which ones, I don’t know) use the basketball hoop for about 5 minutes, then they were gone. I don’t know if they left due to them not being able to use it or cuz they just felt like it, but sometimes I’ll have to see if I can see if they got the lock out.

I know this isn’t over. God’s not gonna let me off the hook and let me get away with this morning’s outburst no matter how much I beg him to and I’m worried about tomorrow (I think Tom may be getting a kick out of my worrying about them and feel I deserve it). How much will they ruin our anniversary?