Oh great! Just great. Tom’s got a cold. Perfect timing, too. Now is someone gonna tell me that nothing up there made him sick to punish me for calling that prayer counselor and for praying, too, and for wanting a normal, mutual, full-time sex life and a child? Forget about us missing it by a day or two. He’s not gonna cum at all for sure. We’re definitely back to the good old days when he gets hard and I get off.

Also, now he has to feel miserable on account of me and I have to deal with the moodiness that goes with his colds. He’s a little jerk when he’s sick, like most of us are. Let me guess - if I prayed now for him to be better real fast and for us to have a kid, we’d not only not get the kid, as we always don’t, but he’d be sick for a week or two for sure, and he’d punish me further by having something else go wrong with one of us or both of us, right?

I know in my heart, my gut, my logic, and every core of my body, that we’ll never have a child, but can’t life go on for the better, anyway? Does this mean we still can’t have a normal and full-time sex life? Does this mean we still have to be set back in life? That I always have to feel sad over never having a kid? Can we ever move up in life to a better home, more money, and other things? Or must we always remain as we are all cuz I wanted this kid I can’t have?

Whether it’s God or the devil, there’s no fighting this thing. There’s no getting it off my back and out of my life. My body belongs to it and so much more. And it will always be this way. It does not want us to have a normal full-time sex life. It does not want us to have a child. It will always win. It will always have control over us.

Of course, I still have other theories. What if there is no God? What if the good in life comes from just dumb luck or people themselves? What if there’s only a devil? A devil whose reigns are stronger on some people than others? What if God is only an imaginary thing that people have made up to use as a coping mechanism or a way to find hope, faith, and happiness?

Another thing about Tom is, well, he says he’s not the payback kind of guy, but again, I wonder. I had bitched at him for continuing to neglect to fix the leaky kitchen faucet, which he claimed to have no problem with. He showed me I wasn’t turning it off right and I apologized to him for blaming him when it was me that wasn’t turning it off tight enough. So as I suspected, he’s gone back to letting the bathroom faucet drip. See, when I see so many of the things I suspect end up happening, it makes it harder for me to not believe in my belief that we won’t have a child, his wanting a child too, and his feeling I’d be a suitable mother.

Later...

What is it with these sky pigs? If they’re out there trying to pursue someone in some get-away car chase, then they’re obviously doing a horrible job of it and need to go back into training, cuz they’ve been roaring around in the sky for eons now.

There are a couple of things I didn’t mention that are probably just a coincidence, but I did wake up unusually clear-lunged. Also, she said that God knows all the things that bother me and that I wish for and we all know that one of them is that I wish those dogs would shut up. They did seem quieter today, but I had heard them for a few minutes at midnight, so I don’t know if this means anything in particular.

She also told me that the closer you are to God and the more you have faith, the more your prayers will be answered. Well, Andy definitely has more faith than I do. Could that be why some of his prayers get answered? She also said that if you pray for something that isn’t willed by God, you’re not gonna get it. Does God really disapprove of gays then? And is that why Andy’s prayers for Mr. Right haven’t been answered? And again, if he’s not too thrilled with gays, then why do they exist? Are they the devil’s doing or what?

Lastly, if God wants and encourages and promotes reproduction, then wouldn’t he all the more want to help make sure that we have sex at the right time and that whether or not he cums, an egg and a sperm hook up? If he’s really so pro-life, then why wouldn’t he want to help us? He’d be doing for him as well as for us and it wouldn’t be one-sided. He wouldn’t be just giving, but receiving, too. She also told me something I’ve heard before and that’s that God wants people to feel his love and he wants people to believe in him. Well if this is so, then you’d think once again, that all the more he’d want to bless us with a child, cuz then I would believe in him and then I could feel loved by him.