I’d have just been woken up for damn sure if I were asleep. There’s this white caddy that began going by about a week ago at around 12:30. It plays its music really, really fucking loud. Even louder than next door’s ever played theirs. Once again, how did these things ever come to be legal? I can’t believe they’d allow something like this what with how they’re strict on a driver being able to hear sirens. Then again, with all the lonely, desperate, selfish, rude, sick fucks out there, I can believe anything. But why the need to get just anyone’s attention? If I were that lonely and desperate, I could see seeking the attention of a good love or of a good friend, but thousands of strangers? Why would I want to be noticed and acknowledged by them? This isn’t just an I-like-my-music-loud thing, either. It’s a definite I-want-to-be-heard obsession.

Later...

Tom got in about an hour ago. Soon he’ll be conking out.

I was doing my puzzle that’s in the living room before that room became anything but peaceful when the little animals arrived to play ball.

When Tom came in he saw two black women arrive next door quietly in a dark green car and right now the city bums are getting their carpet cleaned for nothing. I wish the city would come in to clean our carpet and pick up the tab, too.

So maybe this explains his going out at a time he’s usually in for the night, and his returning so late. Perhaps he was moving his shit out so his presence wouldn’t be discovered.

I wish it could be that they’re installing new carpet cuz the city’s fixing to sell that house, but nope, they’re getting it cleaned, and I don’t have any vibes of them moving.

It’ll take them a couple of hours to do their thing, I guess, then the carpet cleaning van will be moved and out of there in time for today’s two-hour ball game.

I take that back. The van just left. That was awfully quick. Maybe one of them puked their guts out on one area of the carpet and they were just cleaning that.

Anyway, most kids are out of school now, so the ball game will begin any minute. The later the better, though, cuz then there aren’t as many hours till sundown. Don’t these kids have homework to do or dinner to eat after school?

Oh, I went out last night and gave them a good 60 seconds or so of pot cover clanking, but if they heard it, I don’t know.

Later...

Oh, my fucking God! I cannot believe how bad and out of control this stereo shit has gotten. That’s gotta be at least the 6th fucking stereo to go banging by today. I think we’re looking at having to get my stereo into the bedroom to add its bass beats to the ones outside, on top of the fan and sound machine. Tom said they haven’t woken me up yet. But they will. At this rate, they surely will, so why wait for it to happen? And my stereo’s gonna have to be cranked up pretty loud itself to match or override the sick fucks cruising by. And how many of these sick fucks would turn their music down when passing through if they were asked? None. Absolutely none. They’d laugh and say they didn’t give a fuck. They want it to bother people. Not just for people to hear it, but to be bothered by it, too.

I knew there’d come a time, too, that God would start compensating me for being able to sleep so much better since late ‘93 or so. And that he certainly wouldn’t compensate the peace with a child of my own. Nope. It’s gotta be other people’s kids, dogs, stereos, etc.

Later...

Blackie, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it! I was out there guarding them from mama bitch while they ate, and was sipping on coffee. Once I got down to the last few swallows, I was all coffeed out, so I threw the rest right as Blackie ran into it. Oops. Well, at least it’ll be tasty for her when she goes to lick herself clean.

For the first time in ages, I changed things around as far as colors go on the computer. It’s so-so.

To my utter amazement, there was no ball game today.

Once again, is he in the process of moving out or what? He just slammed in, and he’s not done yet! He’s usually in for the night around now, but he’s going out again. So, I guess he’ll slam doors on and off till 11:00 just like last night, huh? And my vibe/theory was right - no ball game, but more stereos. Just like the freeloaders slam doors more often if they’re not gonna do the music thing.

Let me back up a bit here. As I think I said, it wasn’t in for the night when it usually is last night. It left again at 8:30 and didn’t return till 11:00.

Shortly after the carpet people left earlier, like close to 5:00, he pulled in and I could hear kids and adults. On and off, no one could’ve played ball if they wanted to, cuz the car was in the way. I put my ear to the door and heard a kid say hi to one of the adult male freeloaders and he said hi back. This kid was probably from where the guard dogs are. They’re always out and about. I don’t think I heard the bitch, and don’t know who the male freeloader was for sure. Could’ve been Mike and the teenage boy, but one of them sounded older. All I made out was, “they close” and “open tomorrow night” and a few other things I can’t remember. Something about meeting or being somewhere at 10:00, and that’s about it.

They talked for about 10 minutes, he then split, then returned a while ago. And he came out to slam doors, too, so I’m sort of hoping he is really packing shit (along with trying to irk me). As I was trying to make out their conversation, I picked up the feeling that something’s going on, but can’t say for sure. If he is fixing to go anywhere, I know it’ll just be for a week. That still doesn’t mean he won’t be around on weekends or gone for too long.

Well, as I’m hanging out reading and writing, I’ll fill you in on whatever else I hear.

Later...

The freeloader left just a few minutes ago unless he just came out to slam the door or pack something or both.

Meanwhile, these fucking cats just won’t leave me alone at night! They’re so distracting. I swear, I’ll starve these things for a few days if they don’t get off my case! The only problem with that, though, is that if I starve them, they won’t let Bunny eat. They chase him off when I serve him food so he can’t eat.

I just made a small change within the mice’s multi-part home. I have them about 4’ from the computer. I made them a ramp that leads to up top of the monitor. So now they can come see me when I type. They’re sleeping in tonight, though. No one’s up yet.

Later...

I think the freeloader just came in, so I’ll have to listen to him slam shit around for a couple of hours.

Lisa called earlier. She got expelled for calling her teacher an anorexic bitch. She also denies she’s smoking. She said she tried it again and hated it, so she’s chewing gum like crazy. I don’t know if she’s telling the truth or not, but it’s her life.

She said she wants to please her mom, but can’t, so she has suicidal thoughts at times.

She said she and Jen were looking at a picture of me insisting I was pretty and skinny. Well, they’d both be very disappointed if they saw their aunt now, who’s a good 20 pounds heavier than she was in the picture she was talking about.

This will be her first and probably last time she can ever laugh at me and rub her weather into me, seeing that they’re now actually warmer than us. They’re having a record high in the 80s and here it’s barely 70º cuz of the storms.

Later...

I fucking knew it! I just fucking knew it! I was right with what my vibes told me, and I will have to listen to them play ball every day. Tom says they’re connected with them. Well, whether or not they’re associates of the freeloaders or not, I’m sure Miss Bitch had a talk with these little ballplayers and asked them to play daily on account of me. As soon as they heard about my city letter. They just gotta do something. They are so fucking obsessed with me. They are so desperate and want so desperately for me to hear them. Well, come 2 AM, they’re gonna hear me clanking pot covers together.

I can’t seem to budge from just under 125 pounds, but like I said, I know I never will regardless of what I do, so I’m back to eating whatever I want whenever I want.

Later...

After an hour and a half, the ball game finally ended. Damn, how I wish that lock fit that net! They’d just go do something else, though, or replace the net entirely. Fucking, fucking freeloaders, man! God, I hate them! And today’s one of those days I love, cuz I ask myself, “Why would you want to have something you can’t handle? (a kid) Why bring more noise and chaos into your life? Why lose yet even more time with Tom?”

Anyway, the freeloader was on his door-slamming spree, so the letter didn’t boot him out of here. At least the music’s been quiet until it becomes a problem again, and I know it will sooner or later. And yes, ball games and door slams are better than music and can be drowned out, but these naughty freeloaders still aren’t gonna get any sleep tonight. Oh, no Siree! At around 2 AM I’ll be giving them a wake-up call. They’re still gonna have to realize that making noise, means getting woken up if they’ve even got the brains to put two and two together. Tom’s right - they don’t mind noise, but I’m sure they’d mind getting woken up. If I only knew for sure that they were getting woken up, too! God, I hope so! Please let this wake them up. I mean, it’s just a few feet from their living room window, the bedroom’s right off of that, and the carport/block wall amplifies the sound, so how can they not? Could they sleep that soundly? I hope not. I sure as hell hope they do get woken up. Leave it to God, though, to protect them from me late at night. Only they can do shit to me, remember?

We got Tweety a new cuttlebone.

Another organization asking for money that claims they save animals when they really use the money to put animals to sleep, sent me some address labels, stickers, and 4 so-so animal cards. I’m using them for Mother’s and Father’s Day, my mom’s birthday, and Becky’s, too. Mom will be getting some Mother’s Day confetti – hee, hee! All the pretty colorful little bits of paper that were punched out when I was binding my proofreading papers, will be in her card, so when she pulls the card out, what a mess!

Even though it’s not in my cards to lose weight, I’m proud of myself for eating less and less. I’m not so hungry every second of the day as I was during the first few months of not smoking. I know my metabolism’s too slow to lose weight and that God surely won’t speed it up, but maybe in June when it’s really hot and I’m in the pool a lot, I’ll lose a few pounds. Perhaps I’ll get into the 110s, if not to 100. All I had to eat today was some popcorn and some soup. I had a few Cheetos, too, but that’s it. You could say a part of it is my rebelling against God, too. If he’s gonna be so into body control, I may as well join in.

It’s now at the point where you can hear stereos every day. Before long, they’ll be every 5 minutes. However, today there were only two that I knew of. Perhaps that’s in exchange for the long ball game? We’ll see when they come to play ball again for 1-2 hours tomorrow.

We screwed around earlier and that was the usual. I came, he didn’t. He said he always has a hard time after we don’t do it for a while. Well, does he want to? I mean, I know we can’t help our schedules and busyness, but if this is true and not just another excuse, maybe he ensures our not having sex that often to ensure not cumming as much. Me? I’m still content to do it once every week or two. I still have that goddamn irritation, too, but God will be God now, won’t he? What if we do undergo testing? I know you can’t fight God and win and no child is in our destiny, but how are they gonna test him? They can’t just take sperm from a guy, the guy has to give it. When I learned this I was like, oh great! If he won’t let his wife have his cum, he’s certainly not going to let a doctor have it. There’s no way in hell he can squirt on command in a cup. God’s really stacked all the odds against me that he could. Why couldn’t he just leave our sex lives alone? Couldn’t he just let that be normal? But no, he had to go add insult to injury as if defective plumbing and all the other shit I’ve been through isn’t enough. How much more different can he make me? How much more can he punish me?

From now on Tom’s not going to work till 1:30 AM. He’ll get in around noon - 1 PM. He has to stop at our other house on his way home. Fortunately, it’s on his way, though.

I’m a bit ticked at Mary. Just cuz she has to feel superior to someone, Tom has to be the one to do their work for them. I always thought Mary and Dave were an odd couple. Most couples tend to be alike since the same types attract. Dave, who’s incompetent and can’t do shit on cars or houses, was always someone I pictured a person like Mary to look down on and to feel that they’re not good enough for her. According to Tom, though, Mary likes that. She likes to feel superior.

Later...

That stupid fuck! That freeloader has been slamming doors on and off all fucking night. It slammed out at the unusual hour of about 9:00 and I had hoped that it was loading up its car cuz it was moving out little by little, but it just slammed back in. Do these freeloaders realize how obvious they are? I know that if they don’t do the music scene, they’ll slam doors and vice versa, but why are they so obsessed with me and desperately wanting to be heard by me?! Weird. Real fucking weird. Maybe the freeloader really is moving, although I don’t sense it. I told you when my feeling of them moving, or one of them moving, around the New Year faded, and I was right. I have excellent accuracy when it comes to vibing out some things, like the freeloader, our sex lives, the kid issue, etc. I tell you, no one’s this paranoid. I have to have my suspicions about Tom not wanting a kid for a reason. If his conscience isn’t saying he doesn’t want a kid, then his subconscious is. Anyway, when it comes to the freeloader, I’m never wrong. Almost never, anyhow. Aside from the constant ball games that’ll probably run into June, things will be pretty much the same till around May, then I’m sure they’ll be a problem again with music. They’ll probably be out and about yelling and partying, too, since they love it when it’s hot. They may get a dog too, around the month of June. I still have a “change” feeling for September, but we’ll have to get closer and closer to September to see if the vibe sticks or fades. If we’ve only got a year left here, then I hope they do just stay there as much as I hate their fucking guts, cuz then retaliation will be so much easier. If they went first, though, they could come back, do something to the house, then split. But if we go first, then I’ve got the advantage.

Yup, something doesn’t want us screwing around, that’s for sure. I didn’t realize I was gonna sleep in so late today, but I did. So, instead of playing around, Tom’s now napping till he has to go to work.

He said we’ll get together tomorrow and there should be no excuse. Meaning, according to him, he sees a pattern. He says that every time we make a date, I sleep in and he ends up being too tired. Well, if there is a pattern, I’m not doing this intentionally. Tomorrow will be no problem, though.

I also told him that since we agree I should do something about getting what I want, rather than just bitching about it, we should make a date to get together from the 5th - 11th. The only thing is that there’s no way in hell we can screw every day or that he’ll cum more than one day in a row. If we could get together every day during those days and if he could squirt, I should be pregnant and I shouldn’t get a period, but since I know I will (at some point) then I’ll just mention this and how we’ve been trying for years to the doctor to no avail.

Evie has become such a pest. I got 4 messages from her yesterday. She’s really starting to smother me. She goes on and on about shit that either bores the hell out of me or that I can’t relate to. Again, forgive me for sounding like Dureen.

Andy got fired yet again. Jesus! He said 3 gay guys got him fired and that he swears he was just being friendly but they took it the wrong way and got him canned. He said if he sees them in the bar, he’ll tell them they got him fired and ask them, “Does it make you feel better? Do you sleep well at night?”

Yes, there are a lot of stupid people in this world and most people do take things all wrong, but isn’t it about time Andy looked in the mirror? Maybe, just maybe, it’s something about the way he presents himself.

Later...

No outside activities my ass! Just when I thought this cold, rainy, dreary day would keep things quiet around here, out comes trouble. Not with the freeloader, but with some white boys playing ball. They played for an hour but may be back to play more till sundown. Adults may not do stuff outside in yucky weather, but kids do. It’s better than music, though, and it can be drowned out.

These kids woke poor Tom up who’s usually able to sleep through anything. From now on, though, when he sleeps in the bedroom, he should use the fan, rather than the sound machine (I use both) cuz the fan will drown it out. People with houses this close, shouldn’t have basketball hoops!

As expected, I got a full flow today. Did one of his fishies get up there and start a baby, and was that a miscarriage? Or was there some other reason why my period was so screwy? And it’s weird too, cuz when I had that other weird experience in 1996, I felt I’d have another strange period in 1998. I wouldn’t be surprised if I did every couple of years. Guess the year 2000 will be the next wacky period.

Later...

My favorite time - sundown on Sunday. Meanwhile, God continued to see me harassed by other people’s kids. It’s like he’s said, “First I’ll tease you with thinking that maybe, just maybe, I’m finally gonna let you have your own, but nope, it’s other people’s kids I want you dealing with.” They played from around 4:00-5:00, then again at 6:30 for about 20 minutes. Tom thinks that these kids are associated with next door and not neighborhood kids wandering by to use the hoop. Yeah, that’s something she would do, too, is bring other people’s kids over to badger me. And I’m sure this will become an every weekend event. Before I know it, kids will be popping over every day after school, too, to play ball.

Is God trying to tell me he wants me to work with kids, as well as care for animals? Kids have been shoved in my face over the last several years so much, that there’s got to be a reason for it. Could he possibly be telling me to fight for and to pay for a child of my own? No. He knows I could never handle a child and he’ll block me from ever having a child under any circumstances, no matter what it takes.

Him and his fucking control, though, and making me pay for this and pay for that. Hell, I’ve got to pay for breathing! Now his latest kick is to make me sick when I try to diet by way of having shakes. First they bothered my lower stomach by making me gassy. Then I got those Lactaid things and just when I thought I’d be OK (he loves to tease me and make me at least think things will be OK and that I’ve found a way around an obstacle) now I can’t even have shakes with the Lactaid cuz I feel so nauseous if I do. The last time I came within inches of puking. So, he doesn’t want me losing weight, I can’t lose weight, I’m not going to lose weight, and that’s that. I have to be fat as long as I’m given the right to breathe.

Later...

Now it fucking rains. About two hours after the ballplayers split, it comes down. Why couldn’t it have rained earlier? It did rain earlier, but then it stopped. It feels like this is the coldest winter since I’ve been here and like it’s never gonna end.

Another weekend message from Andy. I tell him I’ll call him tomorrow and what’s he do? This guy is so damn lonely. He just has nothing but his phone. He tells me he talked to his folks who said they’d let him live with them for a while if he wanted, and that he wants to get together with Steve in Enfield Connecticut cuz he’s so lonely and needs love in his life. I know he won’t move. I sort of wish he would so he wouldn’t pester me as much, but he won’t. No way in hell will he give up this warmer climate and go back and deal with all the cold, snow, ice, rain and humidity over some dick. It’s really sad, though, to see him this desperate. And he’s even naïve and immature, too, about this Steve character. This is someone he once met in a bar and who he hasn’t seen in years. So what makes him think he’s gonna be there for him and that he’s gonna love him and be faithful and all that? And why won’t our merciless God give him a break? Can’t he just send him a good guy and get him off my case and make him happy? Although, he’d still live on the phone if he had a guy. He’d have to call to tell me every single detail of their sex together, and he’d probably get a guy who also loved to live on phones. Like I said, though, he won’t leave Phoenix.

The freeloader did stay the night last night as I figured he would, cuz he slammed his way out at 10 AM for the first of his many weekend trips.

So far the cloudy and cool weather is in my favor and hopefully, there’ll be no outside activities.

Later...

Today was a shitty day, but it’s getting better. It has nothing to do with the freeloader, though. This weather will keep them indoors and quiet.

Tom still doesn’t feel well. He’s very congested. I just wish I knew why he gets so many colds. Is it just God adding another thing to keep us from spending much time together? Tom says he works in an enclosed environment so colds do circulate.

I’ve now stepped up to being in between spots and a very light flow. Tomorrow I’ll have a full flow for sure. Tom says it’s normal for a woman to have erratic periods. Well, this sure is bizarre for me. I’ve never been a week late.

Also, I have so many mixed emotions about this baby/sterility thing. With the infrequent sex and the DES, and a God who doesn’t give a shit, I’ll never have a kid. I have mixed emotions about everything revolving around it. I don’t feel the need or the want for sex more often than once a week, but it’d help if you were trying to get pregnant. Also, it’d help if he’d get off more, but he just won’t do that. So there’s the fact that we can’t have sex too often cuz of our schedules and busy lives, then there’s the fact that he rarely cums, then there’s the DES, God’s unwillingness to help. There’s no way I could ever have a child. A part of me still feels I shouldn’t have a child after seeing what Larry, Tammy, and others go through what they go through, and knowing how hectic and tiring it is. And how would I ever be able to handle it in the first place? And I feel like - if something up there’s so bent on punishing me and controlling my body, I ought to go right along with it and not do anything about my problem by seeing a doctor, and I ought to control my body, too, by not eating or something like that. I’m sick of having my life decided for me. I’m sick of having no say in personal matters. Or with most matters that concern me, actually. And people say life is what you make it? Well, I wanted to make my life as a mother, as well as a wife, and I can’t do that.

I try to tell myself to make myself feel better, and so as to feel less afraid of this controlling outer source that could do this to a woman, that it’s all for the better. That whatever’s up there is just looking out for me and not giving me something I couldn’t handle. I’m probably right when I say that God’s denied me a child due to his belief that I could never handle it, etc., but what about my right to choose? It should still be up to me. And what if I’m wrong? What if I wouldn’t be swapping one misery for another by having a child? What if I could handle it? What if I’m really missing out here by not seeking help?

Tom was encouraging me earlier, saying that instead of complaining about it, I should do something about it. Well, I am. I’m finally gonna put my foot down and risk God retaliating for my going against his plans for me. I know a child isn’t at the end here, and that a doctor can’t help me, but no more putting off going to a doctor and having that doctor tell me it’s hopeless. I’ll go through the hassle, I’ll take the time, the testing, etc. Instead of sitting on my ass and telling myself why I shouldn’t want/have a kid, and telling myself I can’t fight God and win, I’ll just go let a doctor tell me that. Let a doctor tell me there’s nothing they can do. That’s the only way I’m gonna know for sure if I really truly am right about my theories about God and the condition of my female parts.

God, or this evil, controlling, non-empathetic thing may not let me win in the end when it comes to my biggest dreams, whether they were past dreams, present ones, or future ones, but I’m not gonna let it win either. I will fight for a child until I either get that child or am told by an expert that I can’t have one.

Yesterday there was a letter that came from Colorado. It was from a girl to a guy, and naturally, this girl’s gonna get some pretty strange mail from this guy. A whole 6 pages of wacky stuff. I grabbed and copied a few pages from the Oswego St. file and mixed it up a bit.

Anyway, it’s off to listen to music, read some of my library book, and do some proofreading.

Still no period. What is wrong? Well, Tom still insists nothing’s wrong. I hope he’s right!

Yesterday and today my stomach was a little off. I was slightly nauseous yesterday and today it’s like old times with the hunger. I woke up really hungry and had to eat right away. After having a big serving of tuna noodle casserole, I’m still hungry. I was right about my weight going back up, too. Instead of waking up at 123-124, I woke up at 125.

Tammy’s doing awful, as usual. Just when it looked like things would shape up for her so she could finally have some happiness. At first she said she wasn’t gonna say anything, to protect herself, and that she didn’t know who she could trust.

Again she asked me if I mentioned Mark to Mom and Dad. She said Larry mentioned to them that I mentioned Mark. Well, I did say that I was glad she got the negative influence out of her life and that I was happy for her due to her new “friend.” I didn’t mention Mark in detail, cuz I figured she already had. I knew she was so happy about him that I figured she’d be jumping to tell anyone she could about him. And also, it wasn’t my place to. If Larry interpreted in my letter to him that I was implying she was having a full-blown relationship and if I am indirectly to blame for some of the mess she’s in, I’m very sorry.

Meanwhile, if she’s got so many problems with the things Larry and our parents are saying, she shouldn’t be associating with them. It’s her life and body to do as she pleases and she shouldn’t have to answer to or defend herself to anyone. She should also stop worrying about what others think of her, her life, her body, etc. And I’m also pissed off that cuz of Larry and mom and dad, she doesn’t even know if she can trust me. I thought both Tammy and I learned years ago that we could confide in each other and trust each other, but now, I know she can trust me, but she doesn’t, thanks to people’s big mouths.

I don’t blame Larry for casually mentioning Mark to Mom and Dad, but I think what he told Lisa was just awful. And I believe Tammy, too, when she says what he said. Larry told Lisa that Tammy made a call to Sandy, saying she was a detective, who saw Larry with some woman at a hotel. Tammy denies doing this, and I certainly didn’t, so perhaps it was Michelle. After I kicked Michelle out, she went to Larry and Sandy’s till Sandy kicked her out, so maybe she did it out of spite. If Larry didn’t make this up to Lisa, and I would say he didn’t, then Michelle would be the most likely one to have done this.

Larry also told Lisa things about Texas that Tammy didn’t want her to know until she was completely an adult. Then she said Lisa was responsible too, for asking Larry questions.

Tammy’s pissed that Larry has the nerve to say that she goes from man to man when he’s been notorious for being a slut. And he’s admitted it, too.

Tammy also said that if this is what family’s all about, she doesn’t want any part in it. I don’t blame her for how she feels. It’s her life and she should be able to live it how she wants and people shouldn’t be judging others. Especially when it’s people that are guilty of enough shit themselves. And that’s really, really low of Larry to have told Lisa stuff that she shouldn’t be involved in or is too young to know and understand.

I’m not gonna get involved and let them know Tammy and I spoke, cuz that’d just cause more trouble, but from now on, I’ll really watch what I tell Larry or anyone.

Later...

Awesome! I’m not gonna get my hopes up here, but no wonder I haven’t heard door-slamming lately. Tom says that for just about all week, there hasn’t been a car next door. Maybe, just maybe, it’s cuz of the letter, and maybe that’s why that white car came in quietly. Something it doesn’t usually do.

On the other hand, he may very well spend weekends here in regard to me and cuz they’re not gonna check to see if he’s there on a weekend.

Later...

So much for telling myself that this could be a peaceful weekend and one with the least stress I’ve had in a long time. The freeloader just came in for lunch. The music was fairly soft, but once again, I shouldn’t have to know when he’s coming and going and I told them that, too. I don’t want to know that they exist. So, he’ll be around for the weekend for sure. I’m sure that his not being here over the last few days wasn’t related to the letter after all and that he’s back to stay.

Well, maybe the freeloaders won’t act up or party this weekend since they say another Pacific storm’s gonna sweep through. It’ll be damp, rainy, cloudy, and cool.

Later...

Thank you, thank you, God! That isn’t the freeloader’s car that’s parked out front there. At least I don’t think it is. It’s that big white caddy that usually comes banging in. I think it is, anyway. At least it didn’t come in so incredibly loud. I didn’t hear her get picked up this morning, so maybe she’s there today and whoever owns this car is visiting her.

Please, God, keep him away and keep them as quiet as they have been lately! Especially if there was a remote, miraculous chance I was pregnant. It’s one thing to be stressed out and anxious as you await your first kid, while you feel overwhelmed and have a million questions, but to have the added stress of a pack of rude, selfish freeloaders, is another thing.

I told Tom it was too bad this having no period couldn’t be due to a kid and he said he was sorry I felt that way. I don’t know if he meant he was sorry I wished it could be due to a kid, or if he meant he was sorry I felt it couldn’t be due to a kid, but he did say he wants a family whenever and wherever we are. That’s sweet of him, but I still think something else is going on here, and still believe I’ll get a period. Meanwhile, instead of dwelling on it, I’ll just wait and see what happens next.

Later...

Whoever this freeloader is, hasn’t left yet, but it came out to slam doors a few times. It’s soooo obvious that it’s in regard to me, too. And it’s still slamming away.

Later...

Good riddance! It left without music, and yes, the bitch was there. I could’ve sworn I heard her say, after a slam, “Ain’t that a (inaudible) Jodi?”

I couldn’t make out that fourth word. But I could be totally wrong, too. Anyway, I know the slamming was for me whether or not I was mentioned, and I know they weren’t packing something into the car. Cuz why would they put something in it, then shut the door, go get something else, reopen the door, then close it again. Usually, if you’re loading or unloading a car, you keep the doors/trunk open.

Tom’s head cold isn’t too bad, but he’s stopped up and is coughing a lot. He’s managing to get to work and fill in the little dents that got chipped into the plaster of the pool.

Later...

Well, I’m definitely gonna get my period tomorrow. Yeah, I knew God didn’t suddenly change his mind about my having a child and think I could handle it. I had light cramps and a spot earlier.

To update the freeloader scene - at 4 PM a car came in that I couldn’t see cuz it was parked up further and our hedges were in the way. Then I heard some older kids scream and run through the carport for a few minutes. At first I thought, oh God, that car’s gonna get moved, and on goes the 3-hour ball game. But the car came and went quietly. Then at 6:00 PM, Mr. Fuck himself came in. Again, there was no music. Then I heard those “packing” sounds, then at 7:00, he left.

Still no period. Well, like I said, God will send one my way eventually. At this point, I kind of give up for now. It feels like I’ll never get one, but I still have PMS symptoms and I know I’ll get it sooner or later. Within the next few days, like Tom said. My face is full of zits, I have faint pre-cramps, and my tits are sore. That’s my fault, though. I expected to be on time as I almost always am, so towards the end there, I began drinking coffee with caffeine, figuring my period would flush out those sore tits in just a matter of days. My period should be over by now. Maybe I’m just gonna skip a period. Some women do that.

I woke up the lightest I’ve been since peaking at 128 pounds. I was 120½, but I know this is to be very short-lived. I’m sure that as soon as I took my vitamin, I went up to 123-124.

It’s raining like hell out there, so now we’ve got to pump the fucking pool again before we can put on the second coat of paint. And as usual, Tom’s cold will stall things from getting done, I’m sure.

He said he was wondering when a good time would be to go and mow his mom’s yard. Well, that’s great, but what about our yard? Ours is shitty looking with weeds galore. He said keeping up with the mowing of the two houses would be no problem since he’s gonna use their electric mower. We just have a manual mower.

Evie said that after she went over to Ma’s house and sat down and cried, she hopes the house won’t sell too fast. 

Oh, Evie, you’ll get your wish. Don’t you worry.

Evie also said her brother and his girlfriend were coming for a visit and she asked me if I had any good recipes to recommend. I told her I could really only recommend Jewish dishes and she OK’d that, so I sent her the recipe for Kugel.

Well, our trailer folks are on the street tonight. Guess they sleep heavier than I thought, but I went and rapped on the gate a bit with a stick. They’ll be my test to see just how well I really am being heard late at night after all.

I’m gonna have to deal with Blackie’s kittens too, cuz she’s in heat. So that’s about 30-40 kittens I’ll have to get rid of by the time we move. Mama Cat hasn’t been around much lately, fortunately, but she is alive and well.

Later...

There’s this white caddy that’s been blasting by around lunchtime. There’s still that blue or silver car, too. There have been so many car stereos blasting by, it’s pitiful. They get worse and worse and more frequent by the day. You can’t go one solid day now without hearing one. It may very well get to the point where I can’t sleep and will have to move my stereo into the bedroom and add that to the fan and sound machine to match their bass beats going by.

I used the electric grill my parents sent and loved it. I cooked a T-bone steak on it.

Tom and I agreed that I’d go to a doctor if I didn’t get the next period that’d be due April 18th. I would still bet these journals that I’ll have a period by then. I still can’t see God adding a child to my fate, but I wish that the reason I haven’t had a period could be due to that. I’m not gonna lie to myself or go to Fantasy Land, either. If it were possible for me to be pregnant, although it’s not, then I could be almost guaranteed to lose it within 2-3 months. So, maybe it’s best that what’s going on here isn’t due to a child, although it’d still be nice. But it’d only be nice if it could stay there for 9 months. Not be put there by God just so he could take it away. I don’t think that’d play very well on my emotions at all. Nonetheless, I tell myself, you will get a period. Cuz this is the truth and I must remember that. I can’t let old feelings/desires be stirred up.

Today’s weather suits Tom’s cold. It went from hot and dry to cool and damp practically overnight. I saw some really dark rain clouds out there. The darkest clouds I’d ever seen. And it was weird too, cuz if I looked one way it was dark and cloudy. If I turned to look the other way, it was still cloudy, but the sun was trying to poke through.

I called mom today and we chatted for a few. She says she really feels like she’s crowding Mary and Dave. She sounded awful. I feel really bad for her. She can’t talk well and her voice is still all raspy. She’s having trouble hearing, too, and is going for a test to see if it’s just old age, or what. Anyway, it was hard to hear her at one point, cuz the damn dog went off. Guess it saw something out the front window that got it stirred up.

Later...

Now here’s something promising. That big white car that’s come to visit next door with its music very loud just came and went quietly. This suggests maybe the second letter has helped ensure my peace from their shit, but who knows for sure? I just know that if he’s quiet, I’ll have to listen to a lot of stereos blast by. OK, though. If God insists I hear them either next door or on the street, then I’ll take the street since that’s not quite 3’ from the bedroom window.

White Paws is sitting in here with me as I write. Jesus fucking goddamn Christ! He has another cold! Is there something wrong with this guy’s immune system or what? And how damn naïve of me to believe him when he said he’d get fewer colds if I quit smoking, on top of it improving our sex lives, on top of God maybe having a reason for me to have finally been able to quit smoking. And now this means I have to get sick, too. Yes, he’s had a lot of colds that I didn’t catch, but I caught the last one, so what’s to say I won’t catch this one? Well, I probably won’t, but the threat’s still there hanging over my head.

Tom believes I’ll have my period within the next few days. Oh, I know I will. I know there’s a period somewhere at the end of this late shit. I don’t know if God’s trying to tease me, to worry me, or what, but we both know I couldn’t handle a child and that having that period would be what’s best for me and what’d be right.

So I guess it’ll end up to be a total of 3 weeks before we finally screw again. Thank fucking God I have a low appetite and would rather just quickly take care of myself, otherwise I’d be itching for the Melanies of this world. The ones that were bi or gay, that is, that were willing to go down on another fem here and there. I’d have an easier time getting a girl, too, cuz of being married. That way they wouldn’t feel so threatened if they knew I was already tied down with someone. And also, I think that they’d like the 125 pounds better than the 100 pounds. I’d just have that young, innocent face, and the long hair against me.

Right now I’m just so frustrated. I just wish God would either give me my goddamn periods on time and have them be normal, or just have something go wrong like yesterday, and have me have a hysterectomy. I’m tired of playing these games. I get so much sicker of the thought of sex and a child, the more I’m jerked around with it.

I finished proofreading the 70s file.

Still no period, but still sure I’ll get one and that if I don’t, it’s not cuz of a child holding it up. It’d mean something was wrong, but maybe it’s tied into why I’m so fat. We did get together during mid-cycle, but if I remember right and if I’ve got my facts straight, he didn’t cum.

There’s only one thing I can think of that may be the cause, but it’s unlikely. As I may have mentioned, there was a time I got mad and hit myself really hard in the area of the ovaries and uterus. I was just really frustrated. But I think this was a few months ago, too. Tom doesn’t think it’d do anything, but if I did beat my plumbing and knock it out of service - great. As long as it doesn’t make me fatter than I already am (can’t seem to budge from bouncing between 123-125 pounds).

I changed the bird and later on, it’s the critters’ turn. Wish they were as quick and easy, but they take about an hour. Sometimes more.

Tom took down the old, ugly, bent rods that were in the bedroom to hold the tie-dye curtains I did, and he put up shades. They work so well at darkening any gaps that let in light within the blockers.

Today we’ll be putting up the living room window shade. We began to yesterday, but it wouldn’t quite reach. Tom’s gonna put a block of wood in to extend it.

While he was at the front window, he saw an APS truck working next door. He wasn’t there for long, though, but Tom said that maybe that was why he wasn’t there last night when he left for work. However, I could’ve sworn I saw him leave at 10:30 yesterday morning with the music at a somewhat obnoxious level. Maybe it wasn’t him, but Tom has a point that I agree with. He’s not allowed to be there, as we originally felt, and if our letters were brought to her attention, she just said he just visits. But they’re not gonna go inside the house to check for his belongings and evidence of his existence. They should, though. These stupid city people should realize by now just how much fraud goes on in these welfare programs and with the people on SS and SSI. Hey, do you think I’d have let them know I’d occasionally get $200 from my folks and shit like that? He’s not like I was, though. He’s not a good person who wants to do better. He’s a rude selfish fuck and I begged God to do justice and to see that he’s out of here, if he truly doesn’t belong.

Of all the houses in Phoenix, leave it to me to be the one next to a subsidized house. As if something wants something from my past to remain close by. Or to remind me of where I came from. Well, I certainly will never forget the projects I was in or any other place.

We went to the library and to Wal-Mart yesterday where I got a cute magnet with a cactus, some hangers, a few puzzles, a bathing suit, and two pairs of shorts. The suit’s hot pink. One pair of shorts is bright green, the other’s deep purple.

At the library, I got 3 more true crime books.

On our way home, he stopped at Arby’s and I stopped at KFC.

Later...

The freeloader was there last night. He slammed the hell out of his car door to let me know it too, as he left for work this morning. He hasn’t come in for lunch, so he’ll come in around 4:00, leave again at 6:00, and return an hour later.

It hit 90º today and we have the cooler going now.

Still no period. Something’s really wrong here and I’ve got to find out what it is if I don’t get the next period which would be due April 18th. Did my hormones suddenly go out of whack? Is it a cyst or some other kind of bad growth? Well, time will tell, but I still think that eventually, I’ll get a period. If God wanted to me have a hysterectomy, why now and not earlier in life? In other words, I don’t think something can be that wrong, and I don’t have bad vibes, either. I sometimes get what I guess you could call phantom cramps. I get really faint little cramps for a second here and there, making me think that maybe it’s kicked in, but then I wipe off no blood.

Yesterday was hot and we had the cooler on. And yes, the heat brought the freeloaders out. There was no music that I know of, but I could hear him talking to someone. I also heard some kid too, that sounded too old to be the little freeloader, so who knows? Maybe it was the house next to them with all those daycare kids and the guard dogs.

This heat worries me. I mean, it really puts a lot of stress on me and makes it hard for me to enjoy the upcoming summer and all that, cuz I know they’ll be out and about to spoil it. The good of the heat, though, is that it’ll be less likely that kids will use the basketball hoop.

I'm actually gonna watch another movie I found that looks good, that I haven't seen before. I basically only watch the commercial-free stuff, but I'll still seldom watch anything.

Still no period. Really weird! Well, since I know I'm as sterile as a doorknob, something would be wrong if I don't get my period. Something that may be tied into why I'm so fat besides quitting smoking. It'd be nice if it were a matter of just a few pills I'd need to fix my weird periods and my weight, but that's too easy. So I hope to get my period cuz I don't need any problems. If you ask me, though, I'd say I'll definitely get it without a doubt. This is just one of those unusual times where it's gonna be late.

Made major, major progress on the pool yesterday, which just might be done in time after all. We painted the pool and Tom later painted half the spa. We painted it a color called blue mist and it's really pretty. Nice and bright. It'll be nice to have a pool with a nice, clean, even, one-colored surface. Anyway, we still have to finish the spa and put on the second coat. It'll be a few days, though, before we fill it up. That'll take about a day and a half.

Well, this weekend’s going fast due to my schedule. I was fortunate enough to sleep just fine till 9 PM. At just before 10 PM, I heard the freeloader slam doors, but if there was any serious trouble, I supposed Tom would’ve told me about it.

Like I’ve said a million times (thank God I’m like he is now with a low drive) something doesn’t want us to have that much sex. We couldn’t yesterday cuz I had an upset stomach and I don’t think we can today, either, cuz he’s bruised up. He fell while working on the pool. I feel bad cuz I wasn’t there to help him. What if he fell and did break something all the while I slept away and he couldn’t call me for help? Thank you, God, for sparing us from such a situation.

Speaking of bad feelings, he said he feels guilty cuz while his ma could keep things going and keep dad at home, he can’t keep things going for mom to be at home. But that’s not his fault, and I told him that. She’s just too old and ill. And she’s very lucky to have such a wonderful son.

Got a Bob letter with an article enclosed titled: Ear Seems Linked to Sexual Orientation.

I still can tell you personally that I’ve never been able to help it as far as anyone I’ve ever been attracted to goes, and I agree with the studies that indicate that it’s got to do with predisposing genes/hormones prior to birth. I don’t think anyone can help it if they’re gay, straight or bi. Anyway, this study’s saying that the measurements within the inner ear and cochlea may be linked, but what cracked me up was, what about those of us born with an inner ear fused shut?

Later...

Here we go again with the big production and build-up to a period. Why are my periods so wacky lately? I had a small, barely visible spot the day before I was due for it, but now, nothing. I know I’ll get it, though, but it’s like God’s teasing me. God, if you’re not gonna have things foul up so I need a hysterectomy, then just let me get normal periods!

Oh, when I said I was shocked to have found a movie I’d never seen before - I meant shocked to find one I hadn’t seen out of the ones I like. TV’s just too damn repetitious, though. They run the same movies year after year.

Is Alex mad at me? Did he read something in those journal excerpts I sent him that he didn’t like? For a while now, when I go to send him an email, I get a message saying that the user isn’t accepting emails from my account. But why? What could he have read that upset him so much? Nothing that I can think of. Well, if he wants to contact me, he will. Meanwhile, I don’t have a clue as to what’s up with him.

Tom got alfalfa for Bunny since he’s wild and he thought he’d like wild things, but Bunny wasn’t too thrilled with it. I’m not surprised. I knew the pig, but especially the mice, would like it more.

Andy was over earlier and he brought me some gorgeous clothes. They’re from Michelle’s friend Patty, who’s also a dancer. Amazingly, the bulk of the stuff fit, too.

He says I look like such a teenager with these braces, but thought the colors were pretty.

We got quite a kick out of what’s going on all over New England, and called the weather line to listen to it over the speakerphone so we could laugh together. They’ve got a winter storm advisory in effect and according to his brother, they had a high of 33º and it was in the teens at night. They started off with sleet and freezing rain, then it turned to snow.

Later...

Tom got up with an upset stomach. He’s also quite sore. I did say he’s always got a problem, huh? And why is it that something not only comes up to keep us from getting together, but it also comes up when I have company? Is there a connection here? It seems that when I have company, he can’t sleep or has a stomach problem.

That beautiful smell of the orange blossoms is just beginning to be noticeable now.

No trailer folks. Guess they either couldn’t sleep well here or aren’t here for some other reason.

Tom said that I slept through a silver Nissan blaring by really loud while he was out working on the pool. I said I wondered why it didn’t wake me up and he said maybe cuz it turned down the other way and not by the bedroom window.

I’m pretty much holding off doing any more exercising till and if I lose some serious weight here. It’s just useless right now cuz I’m too fat. Weight loss and toning up go hand and hand and the toning up will come naturally if God will just let me lose this weight. At 25 pounds overweight, though, exercising’s just not effective. Again though, I’ll probably stay at 125 for a long time.

Tom got the list of doctors in the mail today. I can supposedly see a GYN directly and not have to go through the BS of a physician’s assistant and have to have repeat PAPs. Again though, I’m very reluctant to go for a pap for two reasons. One, I just don’t think I need it. Two, it’ll lead to trouble. That is unless I tell them we’re using rubbers when they ask if I’m on birth control. But if I say no to that question, then they’re gonna want to know how I’m dodging pregnancy and all that, although my being DES-exposed ought to tell them how (but they wouldn’t know that also, Tom doesn’t like to cum much).

Tom asked me if I wanted a young or old doctor. I said it didn’t matter. The sex doesn’t even matter, either, as long as they do their job right. I asked Tom if he wanted young, old, male, female and he said, “In between.” In between young and old and in between male and female?

Well, the number one reason I’m not gonna pursue a fertility doctor is cuz a child just isn’t meant to be. There’s no getting around that. Also, I don’t really want one all that much these days. And lastly, my husband does not want to have to face and deal with fertility doctors and has told me he felt it’d ruin the marriage. Therefore, I’m not gonna do anything to risk us or to make him uncomfortable. I also know a child is of no importance to him, either, no matter what he says.

Later...

Why the fuck is the old man’s dog going off now? It’s 3:00 in the fucking morning!

The freeloaders have been quiet so far, like I said. 80% of the prison population is black, and more than half of the black population ends up doing time at some point, so it’s just my luck that this one isn’t in with his “brothers.” They refer to each other as brothers and sisters. Guess they had really busy parents!

Just made some more coffee, which has a flavor adjustment. I don’t know how it works, but you can have your coffee hearty and robust, or smooth and mild.

Later...

The pig’s really growing and chunking out. He has quite a pug nose. I’ve never seen such a pug-nosed GP.

I haven’t seen mama bitch for a while. Please, God, send her into a speeding car!

Haven’t written due to being pretty busy.

The mice are pretty active as I write, chewing on their nibble sticks that they love so much.

Got an email from Evie and from my dad. Dad says Ma’s now a notary public and a justice of the peace, so she performed a wedding ceremony for the son of their friends. Yeah, and I’m sure she told them she hoped they’d have kids.

You know, it still really hurts to know that if I were still back east, and if I had been the one to have a child die, married or not, stable or not, none of these people would’ve been there for me. Maybe Tammy would’ve been a support, but Ronnie, Lori, and Lisa certainly wouldn’t have been there. And neither would Larry have been there if this had happened during the 8 years we didn’t speak.

Anyway, this new coffee plan has really made all the difference. Here I am just two days away, now one day away from my period, and I have close to zero PMS.

As for the freeloader, Tom said he saw his car there for lunch. So that’s why I haven’t seen his car up front in the early evenings. He’s now coming in for lunch again. He said he’s been quiet, though.

The fucking trailer people are a whole different ballgame. I mean, I haven’t heard that dog whose bark sounded more like a scream (I can’t believe it! Someone in Arizona actually cared about disturbing a neighbor with noise)!!! For a good 20 minutes or so, they just wouldn’t shut the fuck up with their fucking trailer doors. They were in and out and in out. What’s the matter with their fucking driveway? They shouldn’t be camping out on the street like they do, anyway. I think tonight I should slam them back and give them a wake-up call.

I’m still just under 125 pounds, but it’s hard. Not all the time, but sometimes I’m always so hungry.

Tom picked up 30 blank CD cases for me today. So I took all of Gloria’s CDs and most of Linda’s and redid the cases with the covers I made.

I also did some experimenting last night with both plastic and wire binding. I typed up old journals to be proofread and used those to bind up. It sure beats 3-ring binders

Now I’m gonna go read some of my library book, as well as do some proofreading and singing.

Later...

Did some reading and now I’m making popcorn.

I guess I ought to be hearing any time now from Bob. I asked him to tell me if he could receive manila envelopes. I think he can. Anyway, it’ll be a while, but he’ll have plenty to read when I put all this stuff together for him. Watch - with my luck he’ll die the day I send this shit. Hell, if I’ll put a return address on. I’m not stupid. I know that just cuz one guard may say it’s OK to receive such stuff, another may say it’s not OK. When I mail out this stuff, I don’t ever want it back again, so there’ll be no return address.

I sang for a short while and finished my last library book. Guess now’s as good a time as any to get going with that proofreading again.

Later...

About half an hour ago, I went out and clanked two pot covers together for a few minutes. Maybe the trailer people will feel that they just can’t get a good night’s sleep here anymore. Also, I’m out to fuck any neighbor I can till I’m out of here, whether they did shit to me or not, cuz if there’s anything I learned out here, it’s to disrespect and be rude and let your neighbors hear you. Well, they’ll be hearing me alright.

I also checked the TV guide for the first time in ages and was shocked to find a new movie I’d never seen before. It was good, too. Nothing with pregnancy, childbirth, and related stuff, although it wouldn’t bother me at this point. It just bores me. It’s too much and it’s not something I can relate to. Forgive me for sounding like my self-absorbed mother, but when Evie goes on and on about the kids, it gets old.

Later...

Been up for 3 hours and here goes stereo #4 to drive by. No freeloader shit, though, fortunately. But it’s the weekend, so that’s always subject to change.

No trailer people out there. Perhaps they’re having trouble sleeping here? Well, it’s still just after 9:00, so they could pull in at 10ish. We’ll see.

Tom got me a really nice coffeemaker today. It’s got a timer and everything. It’s pretty nice looking and pretty high tech, compared to the one I had on Oswego St. It’s got a flavor adjustment, too, for making the coffee mild or strong.

According to the 5-cast, things are gonna go as they usually do. It’ll be somewhat cool, but it’ll warm up into the weekend, raising the chances of freeloader trouble. Yup, it’ll be warm and dry.

Speaking of el freeloader, Tom says that last night his car was parked deep in the carport, as far as it could go, which is unusual, suggesting that maybe he went out of town for a while. At first I thought that that was a sign of a dog and that they had a dog again rigged up to it, but there wasn’t. We’d both have heard it a long time ago if there were one over there. Someone’s there, though, cuz the living room lights were on. Maybe he did go somewhere, and if he did, I hope it’s for more than a week.

I’m waking up at 123 and going to bed at 125 lately. I don’t know if this is a good sign or not.

I still think of and lust for Melanie, but not as intensely as I did yesterday. Maybe that’s just cuz I saw her yesterday.

Now for the shocking news - Tom actually did call for a doctor’s appointment!! I really thought he’d just blow it off. He said he was confused, though, by how they operate and although he explained it all to me, I’m confused, too. They’re sending us some stuff we need to have in order to make the appointment that he says he didn’t know about. I’m very pleased that he kept his word, but there’s just one problem. I don’t want a child anymore. If I don’t bring it up, though, I doubt he will. I think it’ll just “go away” in the end. I won’t worry about it now.

Later...

The weather’s been a lot better lately. I haven’t had to run the heat much. About a week ago, the freeloader’s trees began sprouting their leaves. They have one tall tree in back and two up front.

Fortunately, I can also chew gum again, too. I guess my jaw was just too sore at first. It has to be Freedent gum so it won’t stick, but that’s fine.

Later...

So much for enjoying a pleasant late afternoon out in my own backyard. Got fucking dogs on my left and right going off.

Anyway, Tom said the car was gone when he came in today, but couldn’t tell if it was deep in the carport last night, cuz of the darkness. You can’t really see all the way in at night and the fuck has a dark gray car.

At 8:40 this morning, someone based by really, really loud, but I couldn’t tell who it was.

Maybe the fuck really is away somewhere cuz his car is not parked out front. His usual routine these days is to come in around 4:00 and park it up front. Then take off at 6-something, and return an hour later, and park in the carport for the night.

Tom said he found another all-black kitten in the yard, right where I walk a lot, that he says was more developed and lived a little longer. He also said he was pretty sure White Paws killed it cuz as soon as Tom removed it, he went to see if it was still there.

But how could this kitten have lived longer without me knowing it? And how could it have survived longer without Mama Cat, cuz she was hanging around the patio with the others just as much as she usually does? She’s always in the yard and I would’ve known if she was nursing a kitten. Tom said it was all black. Maybe it was the one I threw over the wall and maybe it didn’t die that night and somehow survived. Meanwhile, White Paws jumped over the wall and found it, killed it, then brought it back into the yard to play with. Who knows for sure?

Bunny sure is weird. I threw some bread out for the birds, yet Bunny ate it. Since when do rabbits eat bread?

He got most of the pool water out, but I still don’t think this pool’s gonna be ready by the time the weather’s good for swimming. It fucking figures, too. Always gotta be tied up taking care of other people’s this, other people’s that. But our stuff has to wait.

Later...

Today was a bad dog day as far as barking goes. The old man’s dog to our right and the two guard dogs just wouldn’t shut the fuck up! Thank God these dogs will be quiet anytime now for a good 12 hours, and I don’t have to listen to a dog next door pick up where these dogs leave off till fucking 1 AM.

There’s no freeloader pulled in next door as far as I know, cuz I didn’t hear anything. If he’s gone, could it have to do with the letter? Well, I’ll enjoy its absence, cuz it’s gonna be back in just a week.

Damn, I feel like God’s teasing me with this wanting to lose weight! Just when I drop a few pounds, I go right back to where I was, and back and forth.