Thanks to Benadryl, I backed my schedule up by 6 hours. I had gotten up at noon yesterday. Too late to make my October 5th appointment with Melanie, but too early to flip it all around by then. I also want to go out this Friday doll hunting, as planned (I have to remember to take Kleenex with me, though, because the outdoors is horrible at this time for allergies). If I hadn’t taken Benadryl last night at 9:00, I wouldn’t have crashed till around 4 AM, but with the Benadryl, I was out before midnight and I got up at 6 AM. Just in time to hear the bitch say, “Huh? No, I…” (I couldn’t hear the rest)

I don’t know why the cock bothered showing up this morning. Bill took the bitch to work/school this morning, then came back here. Then the cock came. I saw someone a couple of times walk around the back of Bill’s car, but couldn’t make out for sure who it was or what the hell they were doing. Then the cock left, leaving Bill to go about mistake-sitting, as usual. But why would the cock come by if it wasn’t needed to mistake-sit or cart its bitch to work/school?

I got a kick out of how yesterday’s horoscope said that a parent who’s aware of one’s concerns is willing to behave differently. Right! Dureen would have to die and come back as a totally different person before she behaved differently. Tom was teasing me with the atoning for my sins thing since yesterday was the Jewish New Year. I’m jokingly thinking - Dureen deary, are you asking God to forgive you for being such a selfish, hypocritical little control freak?

Later…

I’m writing longhand now in the book Mom gave me. The one I’ll take to Vegas with me with the pitiful artwork. The reason I’m using this book now is that I have the computer tied up burning away another CD. I figured what the heck? I’m sure it’ll crash at some point, even though I defragmented drive E and it’s already written 9 tracks.

I had Tom bring me in the scale since I knew my weight was up there anyway (as of yesterday I piled on pounds of water) and so I could begin another test. Tom felt I’d be less hungry if I wasn’t weighing myself daily. Well, I want to see if I remain less hungry because of the mineral pill, or if pulling the scale back out brings the hunger back.

Wow! It’s on track 11!

Anyway, the mineral pill’s been doing so well at curbing my hunger, that I’ve decided that two TV dinners a day plus a snack are too much for me. I’m gonna be cutting out one of those TV dinners.

So, what was my weight? 118 pounds. A surprise because I thought I’d be in the low 120s.

Track 12.

I know why I was so bummed out about my weight for the last year or so. It’s because I was setting unrealistic and unachievable goals for myself. Setting a goal of 100 pounds was ridiculous and totally asking to fail. I’m a nearly 33-year-old non-smoker, so to get under 110-115 pounds is a complete joke. My body can’t handle being that low in this day and age.

So, with these facts in mind, I’ve set a realistic, achievable goal weight of weighing 115-120 pounds. This is perfect for me now and something my body can feel comfortable at. It’s a natural, reasonable weight, so I can continue looking like a middle-aged woman should look.

Holy shit! It’s on track 14 and it looks like this CD may happen after all since it’s nearly done. I only have 18 tracks on this one. It’s like it has a mind of its own and it only creates a CD if it feels like it.

Track 15.

I went into the file box and browsed through the treadmill’s owner’s manual and was shocked to discover two things. One, it is not a weight-loss device, but just a fitness device. Two, all they recommend is 12-15 minutes every other day. Why not 30-60 minutes every day? What’s wrong with that? Why do they recommend a day of rest every other day? I can see a day of rest every other day from target toning or weightlifting exercises, but why from walking? And why warm up and cool down, as they recommend, just to go walking? Lastly, I do more than 12-15 minutes every other day, so if this is supposed to be a “fitness” device, then why am I so unfit?

Later…

Got lucky and the CD was a success. I’m defragging now, then will power down and restart. Should I try another one today? I have a feeling it’ll crash, but we’ll see.

Drive E is now 83% defragmented now.

No stereos today or yesterday - wow! Just the usual sales calls and their harassment campaign.

Later…

OK, I’m trying another CD. If this works, I’ll only have one more music CD I’ll want to make up, then I can decide whether or not the convos/edits are worth burning.

I’ll go get my book now and bring it back here to the back room so I can keep an eye on the computer.

Oh, first - I made up Mary a little get-well card. Well, sort of. It was one of the ones sent from Doe and Art.

OK, gonna grab me a cup of my Café Vienna and my book.

Later…

It’s utterly gorgeous out there right now. Not too cool, not too hot. Perfect weather for the mistake to hang out back and to have doors and windows open. I just heard the mistake, but fortunately, I’m not out back very often. I have no reason to be. From now on, especially since quitting smoking, I don’t go out back but to let the cat in and dump the recyclable stuff.

It’s nice not seeing White Paws for a couple of days. Not since I sprayed her with Raid. She’ll be back, though.

Tom’s gonna pick up a feeder for Blackie for when we go to Vegas. He could get his own food, but not like WP can because male cats aren’t as good hunters as female cats are. I don’t like the idea of knowing that WP is gonna help herself to this food, and maybe daddy cat and the ants (although Tom will spray for ants) but at least Blackie won’t go hungry. We’ll be putting it at the side of the house where the birds won’t find it. I hope not, anyway. If there’s anything that really annoys me about Blackie, it’s that this cat is such a whiner. Just about every single fucking time I go outside he whines and whines till I let him inside. It’s really annoying.

Tom just got up and is going to stay up for a while.

You know, I’ve counted food calories, but I’ve neglected to count my coffee calories. Not regular coffee, but the gourmet ones. I have about 8 cups a day and that’s about 500 calories right there. No wonder it’s been so easy keeping my goal weight. If I eat 900 calories worth of food and no-calorie or low-calorie beverages, that’s one thing. It’s another to have 900 calories worth of food and an additional 500 in beverages. All this time I’ve been figuring myself at consuming 900-1000 calories a day, but I’ve really been taking in around 1400-1500 calories a day.

How utterly amazing - not one stereo’s banged by today. Yet. That drug cruiser’s gonna be by any sec no doubt.

Just like Joebitch sticks to her usual weekend routine of a shitload of cars coming and going, it’s sticking to its usual weekday routine, too. Bill sits the mistake, the cock brings its bitch home. I doubt the cock’s picking up its bitch in the mornings, though.

Guess I really terrorized that cock out of this neighborhood. He won’t even park in the bitch’s driveway. Too bad, Mikey. You came into this neighborhood, you treated me like shit, this is what you get.

Mary had her gallbladder removed today and now they’re checking it for cancer, which I don’t vibe. Evie has to have hers removed, too.

In Evie’s email to me, she wanted to know if we could attend Parker’s baptism. I told her we couldn’t make it, which is probably true with our schedules, but the further truth is, neither of us cares to go. I mean, how fucking boring! She said she hoped she wasn’t offending anyone, but that she didn’t invite Jackie and Jim because she doesn’t like the way they do things. I told her I thoroughly agree with her and that I think they’re spoiled, selfish little users. Don’t want to know them, don’t want to talk to them, don’t want to see them. I also reminded her, although I’m sure she’s heard about it, that Tom’s put his foot down and is gonna live his life. Not spend his time and money on others who are too lazy to do their own work and live their own lives. David and Evie haven’t really been the big users of the family. Not compared to Pam, Jackie, Mary, Evelyn, and of course, good old Marge.

Yes, it’s been two whole days since I last wrote. That’s because I’ve been tied up with the CD-making task again, and as usual, it’s hit or miss, but mostly miss. I feel, though, that I’ve gotten just about all I want onto CD, so I don’t need to waste my time with it anymore. I don’t really need to have the edits and convos on CD, since those don’t mean what they used to mean to me. It’s a costly and wasteful project since it takes 20 CDs just to make 5-7. I’ve got about 15 CDs made up now, and I had to go through about 25-40 to get them.

From how I feel and from what my measurements say, I’ve gained some weight. I’ve got to be no less than 118 pounds now. Why, I don’t know. It’s a total mystery to me. I’ve been sticking to my diet like glue, thanks to this mineral supplement, I’ve been regular, and I’ve been exercising, so I don’t know what the fuck’s going on. Once again, I cannot deal with this shit year after year. I have to be fat if I’m gonna remain a non-smoker and the sooner I accept that, the easier my life will be. It’s just not in my nature to be thin anymore. Not at this age and not without the cigarettes.

Wish I had my water pills now, but tomorrow I’ll call in a refill. It’s mostly in my gut, although my legs and hips are pretty swollen, too. And I’ve been exercising these areas, too, but like I said, exercising by doing target toning is just a complete waste of my time. It may work for most people, but God sure as hell won’t let it work for me. Initially, I lost weight and began toning up a bit when I first started the exercises and the mineral supplement but then went right back to how I normally am. This is typical, too. Having something work at first, then quit working on me, is nothing new.

Later…

What is it with cats liking abuse? I spray White Paws with bug spray, I kick her, I chase her, yet she keeps coming back for more. Does she really like it, or is she just that stupid?

Caddy Kid’s back. Yeah, I knew it was just a matter of time. It gets worse, too, because now we’ve got some other car cruising the neighborhood for drugs. This same car banged by really loud over and over and over again this afternoon. What? Do they cruise up and down a street hoping someone will come out of their house to offer them drugs? So, since it’s a nightmare again with the stereos booming and thumping by several times a day, I really must have my own stereo on if I want to get any sleep.

Joebitch gets weirder and weirder by the day. Saturday and Sunday nights a red car came to visit. Why are there so many cars in and out of there on weekends? Am I ever gonna get a weekend without having to listen to the constant door slamming?

I just hope that they don’t move till we do and that things will stay the way they have been as far as the music goes. As long as I don’t hear music a million times a day from over there, then I know they’ll be sticking around. I never thought I’d find myself hoping that they don’t move, but I’ve decided that whether or not we go first, they are going to receive the little journal excerpts I put together for them. I’m not gonna waste all that time I put into it and besides, if they’re gonna fuck with the house if they go first, they’re gonna fuck with it with or without those excerpts. In their sick minds, they have enough reason to go after the house as it is. Just the city complaints alone will do it because that’d piss them off enough.

Speaking of being pissed, I was lying in bed one night when I began to fume over Bill. Oh, how I just want 5 minutes alone with him!! Just 5 minutes! Tom says that’d just make him more aggressive. He has a point. For every time my mother would take a pop at me, that’d be 5 more kids I’d pop in school and take it out on, but I still think that all guys like Bill need a good beating from a woman. They need to be put in place and taken down a peg or two. They need to be reminded that there are others out there tougher than them and that they’re not capable of beating on everybody. One day (I sure hope) he’s gonna pick on the wrong woman and that woman’s gonna dog him. I mean, how long can man live with the delusion that if it’s smaller than them and if it doesn’t have a dick, they can beat it? There are lots of big guys out there and lots of tiny women that could kick their asses so bad they’d wish those ladies killed them. That’s not the main point, though, in this sick fuck’s case. Remember, he doesn’t beat Sarah and Becky. It’s because Lisa is part of “the other guy.” Bill’s also a very sick, angry little shit.

It just really pisses me off that now that I’ve put Dureen, Art and Larry totally in the past and am getting over the hurt and anger that they caused for so long, now the anger’s replaced by this fuckaroo. Is there ever an end to the thoughts of past people popping into my head and sending me into a rage? I just want to totally forget these people and move on. It’s the best thing I can do for my mental health. Cutting them off is a start, but I still have a bit of “healing” to do, so to speak. I mean, when it comes to my folks, there really isn’t any hurt or anger left. I’m just numb. They’re old news as far as I’m concerned. It’s the bullies like Bill, Larry, Ronnie, that tend to piss me off at times still, but hey, I don’t ever have to see, talk to, or be hurt or angered by these sickos ever again. And I remind myself of this fact and it helps me to get by. I may have old, bad memories, but never will there be new, bad memories in addition to the old ones. It’s all over. They can’t hurt me anymore. They can’t frustrate or piss me off anymore. They can’t hit me, they can’t lie to me, they can’t pit others against me, they can’t send me to places that treat me like a criminal, they can’t control me, they can’t threaten me, they can’t make me feel like a piece of shit.

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but my last period was the first period in many years where I didn’t need a big pad.

Today we went to the mall to look at a doll store there. They had hundreds of dolls, but only a few of them were nice, and they cost $200 - $400. They were also bigger than the ones I liked in the catalog. Friday we’re gonna check out another small store that’s not in a mall, and this place in Scottsdale that’s supposed to be one of the biggest doll stores in the country. If I don’t like what they’ve got here, or their prices, I’ll just go ahead and order from the catalog in December with my birthday/holiday money. I feel like it’s gonna take me forever to accumulate 3-4 dolls, though, no matter where I get them! Marge, you little user! Why don’t you pay for them?!

Ratsy’s in a fine mood, jumping and running all around. Hope he won’t stay the unappreciative little bastard he’s been! We got him a really cool nest and a half-log to burrow in, but so far, he’s walking on the tops of them, but not going inside them. The next is a hollow ball made of straw-like material. It’s got holes on 4 sides of it to go in and out of. The half-log is a green piece of wood that’s dome-shaped. I think the mice would like these things better. The mice like anything and everything. We got them a toy, too (they all got salt spools and Ratsy got a new pink bottle).

For the mice, we got them a bunch of color cubes you put together. You snap clear pieces into colored frames, then you build them like toy building blocks. It’s pretty cool, but a little flimsy to build, and there’s not much variety that goes into it. Not unless you had many, many pieces. Like 2-3 kits.

Got two palm tree pictures for $5. They’re in gold frames, and I like this size better because it’s easier to work with. These are around 10 x 8.

Joebitch has been a good girl, but a weird one. Is someone moving from her household? Well, I highly doubt she’s moving, because I’d vibe it, and because there’d be music like hell coming from over there, but what about that teenage boy? Is there a teenage girl living there? I remember Tom once said there was, and he’d see her leave for school in the mornings. There’s gotta be more than just her and the mistake over there. I just know there’s more over there, but if so, why don’t play ball more often for my sake?

Anyway, what I saw was a white pickup truck parked in the driveway with one box visible from the window I was peering out of. It left, then returned with what looked to be an empty flatbed. Then, it left with a lot of stuff in it and returned later emptied out. Then I saw Joebitch and the little clown talking to the two black ladies that Tom said he saw get into the truck one of the times it left, then they left and haven’t been back since. I also saw a large white blazer which left as soon as it came. It could very well be that the mother of that teenage boy, which was definitely her nephew, had to do some jail time, is now out, and is getting its boy back.

Last night at 11:00, I heard voices, and someone left from there, but didn’t see who it was. Then the bitch crashed at 11:30.

It’s just after 8:00 now and when I checked a little while ago, there were no lights on. This bitch doesn’t hit the sack early on weekends, so I’d say it’s out somewhere.

What the fuck is going on, though? Why do so many cars come and go from that place on weekends? No one loves a bitch that much, so what is it they’re getting from this bitch? It ain’t love. Is it drugs? What? Something’s going on. It used to be that the bitch may have someone over once one day of the weekend, but now, as soon as she’s home on Fridays they start coming, and they come and go like bees on both Saturdays and Sundays.

Later…

Well, well. Guess who’s here visiting? It’s Mr. Fuck! I’m not entirely sure since it’s dark, but that’s definitely a car that’s parked there, not a van or truck. And it’s also not white. I thought the bitch had been out with him, till I realized I didn’t hear/see the cock come to get its bitch, and I only heard one car door when I saw the headlights shining in the music room and paused the music to listen. Also, the living room and kitchen windows stayed dark, so it sounds to me like Joebitch called its cock from its bed, and he came running over and let himself in for a good fuck. I’m sure he still has the key, too.

What? Is this bitch afraid to be alone or something? She’s had company come and go now for nearly 10 hours. That’d drive me crazy. I’d be like - give me some space!

I forgot to mention that on Friday, Joebitch should’ve gotten some mail for a “Bill Garner.” Unless her dad opened it, and I hope not, she got a little confetti shower. I addressed it to Bill Garner and put a bogus return address. In the past, I’d never bother with return addresses. So, to the bitch, she’ll be annoyed as all hell, but won’t tie me into it. Not unless she’s one paranoid puppy. It should look like someone addressed it to her by accident, and nothing else. I put the confetti, by the way, in one of those blank cards that Doe and Art sent. I didn’t write anything on the card but a big question mark.

I’m washing the shower curtain right now, and soon I’ll try to scrub our filthy, impossible-to-clean tub.

Later…

I’m on the phone gabbing with Andy now. He’s going through his usual few subjects - Stevie Nicks, work, and going back east to be with David.

He said he’s sure he’s leaving on April 30th.

Sure. Right.

I’m typing as I’m half-listening to his non-stop garble. But he’s my pal and I love him.

He started off by saying, “I didn’t get fired, but I got complaints two days in a row.” I asked for what, figuring he’d say it was for flirting, but instead, he was rude. So, he’s gonna be taking a break from waiting tables, which has really been stressing him out lately, and which he just isn’t into anymore, he’ll be hostessing. Seating the people, instead of serving the people. They’re only gonna pay him $7 an hour, though.

He said that the reason he’s going back on April 30th is so he can hitch a ride with Joyce and Bill. That’s his aunt and uncle and they go to Vegas every year. At least he won’t have to worry about springing the cash to get back.

Later…

After just over an hour, Andy finally let me go. He could’ve easily kept going till he had to go to work at 5:30, though. We talked about the usual - Stevie, Quinn, Dave, Michelle, and work.

He still wonders about what was really going through Quinn’s mind up till he died. He did tell me that some girl was rubbing his face in the fact that his brother molested him, trying to get him to deal with it and that that seemed to cause his mind to snap to the point that the police were called. During the cop’s visit to his apartment, they noticed all his drug paraphernalia, so they returned two hours later with a warrant. It looks like he was gonna be facing some jail time.

He also told me that when he and his sister were going through his things, they found a scrapbook full of all kinds of stickers. Mostly colorful ones that children would have. That was when the sister told Andy that that was part of the pervert brother’s way of rewarding Quinn. Whenever the brother would want a sex favor, he’d give Quinn stickers for it.

He says Michelle’s wasting her time. She met some gay girl online that she’s gonna meet. Well, if this girl shows up (it might not even be a girl) she says she’ll be happy enough to settle for friendship if the girl doesn’t turn her on. That’s what she says, but it’s not that easy, as Andy pointed out. She’s gonna be too pissed if she isn’t attracted to her. You get all psyched up to meet someone, then find them to be ugly, or at least not attractive, and you’re too let down and pissed to want to be all buddy-buddy with them. See, Michelle’s only 24, so she’s now learning the things I learned at her age. She’ll learn, though, and get used to reality at some point. At least I hope she does since she can’t change it.

Later…

Tom went to work an hour ago, but he’ll be back at 9:30. (I hope) It’s just that end-of-the-month bullshit he has to deal with. I say I hope he’ll be in then because rather than eating my second TV dinner, he’ll be bringing in my weekend treat of a small order of fries and a cappuccino shake. The shake may play on my tummy a bit, as is dairy’s favorite thing to do with me, but it’ll be worth it. I just hope he doesn’t get held up at work till 11:30. That happens to him sometimes, so, if he’s not here by 10:30, I’ll just go ahead and eat a TV dinner.

The Lopezs sure did get themselves a hell of a spotlight in their backyard. I was in the back room when I saw light reflecting on the house across the alley and went out to check it out. This light is really damn bright. Brighter than the freeloader’s security light. I think this one’s motion-censored, too.

I wonder if Tom’s back muscle strain will enable us to go back to screwing around till the next thing comes up to bump us out of our plans/schedule. Still haven’t been as horny as I used to be, still don’t want a kid, thank God.

Tom isn’t the only injured party here, believe it or not. I have mild pulled muscles in the backs of my thighs, and major pulled ones in the area in front of the armpits. The muscles that go down into the tits. It wouldn’t prevent me from screwing, though.

Still walking every day, although I do take 1-2 days off a week. Still about 113-115 pounds from what I can guess and the mineral pill’s still curbing 80% of the problem I was having with constant, intense hunger.

It’s Friday night, so the stereos are out. Someone’s been banging by for 3 evenings in a row at around 6:30, but when I run to look, I never see a car. I don’t think it’s Caddy Kid, because I’d see him. Also, Caddy Kid would bang by either three times a day or no times a day. This one’s doing it just once. The music doesn’t last for long and it’s not as loud either, so maybe it’s a block away. Or not driving past both the side and front of the house, since we’re on the corner. Maybe he comes up the side, but then turns the other way and doesn’t go by the front.

Measles really knows she’s my favorite bird. I put some seed on the block wall and she dove right into it. Whenever some of the others tried to sneak a bite at the sides of her, I shooed them away with a wave of my arm. Meanwhile, she didn’t even flinch. It’s like she knew I was guarding her.

Later…

Tom got in early and we just ate our weekend treat.

I cannot believe that I’m just about a week away from my first anniversary of quitting smoking. It’s unbelievable. I never thought I’d see this day. Tom did, though. He said he knew it was inevitable. He also says it’s inevitable that we’ll have a kid. I don’t want one, though, although that’d make me more eligible in God’s eyes. If Tom were right, but I know he’s not, then that’d mean I’d have to get fixed because of health problems. The only way I’d let them fix me is if it were necessary due to health problems/risks, but I don’t see how the hell there can be a connection. I’ve never heard of sterility causing health problems.

Andy said that for the longest time, he’d ask himself what his purpose in life was. Then, he realized that there were two purposes - to show Quinn that a man can love another man, and to lead me out here and to Tom and all that. Well, it sure is true that if it weren’t for him I’d never be out here. God would either have to find some other way to get me out here and to Tom or send Tom back east to me there.

I know Andy won’t move back east, but a bigger part of me wishes he would. He wouldn’t call me as much, although he’s improved with that. But talking once a month would be better for me than once a week. Hell, I could go months, but still, talking once a month would make our talks more special.

He’d also have my letters to look forward to, and I’d look forward to sending them.

Lastly, I’d get to laugh at him in the winter, which he gave me permission to do.

Except for Lisa, he left things behind. There are his parents, his brothers, nieces, nephews, the beach, other people he knows, bars he knows, etc. Although, if he and David hit it off, I doubt they’d go to bars. David lives in a house that he shares with two other guys. These two other guys are a couple, I believe, and they own the house. Or one of them does. As Andy told David (this is totally understandable) he doesn’t really feel comfortable about moving in with people he doesn’t know, so he and David are gonna look for a place of their own when Andy gets there. He says David’s gonna support him till he gets a job.

I hope I’m wrong on two things. I hope he really does go back. And I hope he and David have a great relationship. It’s sad, though, to see Andy have to give up this beautiful weather and his home here, to have the slightest shot at love. A person should be able to find love anywhere, but then again, I sure as hell didn’t find anyone like Tom back there and I don’t think there’s such a thing as a Tom S anywhere else. Not just back there.

Today was a busy, yet productive day. I changed the mice and rats’ cages (did a neat new setup), did a quick little load of laundry for Tom, did the dishes, and made a little booklet of scanned pictures for Mom, Mary, and Dave. That scanner is one of the best investments we ever made. I scanned about 12 pages, each with two pictures per page, of animals and cage setups. Mostly pictures of Gizzy, Teddy Bear, Bunny and Spunky. I let them know I’d soon make a booklet with pictures of the cat, rat, and current GP.

Tom’s mom called while I was in the bathroom and left a message saying she didn’t think he should do any more work since his back’s bad. That was nice of her to consider him like that.

Tom says they’re gonna illegalize unavailable calls. Most unavailable calls are sales and it’s that way so that people will be more likely to answer and get suckered into something than they would if they could see the name/number of these assholes. They’re already illegal in Texas. All businesses must show their name and numbers. When we move we’ll go back to having two lines. One for the computer and for people we have to give our number to, but don’t want to be harassed by, like credit card companies. See, if we give Sears our number, for example, they go and give it to other companies, so since a lot of companies sell their customer list, it just keeps escalating till every sales company out there has our number. Two lines will also be good if Lisa calls and Tom wants to go on AOL while we’re talking.

The cock came and got its bitch this morning and of course, Bill’s here now. I didn’t see the cock and bitch, but I’m sure the bitch will be dropped off in the afternoon by its cock, too.

Sometimes I want to say I’m around 110 pounds, other times 115 pounds. Well, I don’t know what I am. I just know I’m not below 110 pounds or over 120 pounds.

My allergies are on the fritz again. Bad time in Arizona for that.

Yesterday, I said to myself, my teeth are just now losing their soreness, and in just 12 days, I gotta be made sore all over again. Bummer!

Got some corny emails from Evie. A couple of stupid stories. One’s about hugs and the other is about burdens.

I’m still furious about our daughter. What? I spend 32 years being angry at my family, get over that, and now I have to be angry at his family? Thanks, God.

Maybe Tom could’ve mowed by now, could’ve fixed the back screen door, could’ve done a lot of things that we need to do around the house if he weren’t so busy having to live that asshole’s life for her. Yeah, he’ll be getting off of work in about a half-hour, then he’ll be heading over to her house to do yet more work for her.

I wonder why he stopped over at Mary’s to eat lunch, though? He said he was in the area and stopped there, rather than at our daughter’s house, but I thought he was supposed to have washed his hands clean of that user. Well, maybe he meant he’d still associate with her, but not spend another $4,000 on her or hours and hours of work, either. Hours that add up to months, even years.

The only thing that I believe will absorb some of this hurt, but mostly anger, is just not gonna happen. And that’d be our daughter paying half of our outstanding bills, giving him a few hundred to just blow on whatever he wants, and buying me a few of those dolls I want.

Again, that’s not gonna happen, and I’ll do almost anything for Tom’s family out of my love and respect for my husband (not buy her thousands of more dollars on things, but attend her funeral and things like that), but other than doing anything he may request of me, I don’t ever want to see his fucking family again and I can’t wait for the day that user dies.

Our daughter can’t give us back the time we’ve lost due to her, but she can give us back the money we’ve lost due to her. I’m surprised Tom’s not pushing for her to pay us some of the money back that she owes us and that she used us for. He’d push to get his money back if a company ripped him off of that amount of money, so why not her?

Later…

I had to take some Benadryl which put me out for a two-hour nap since I couldn’t stop sneezing.

Just walked 10 minutes and added those 10 minutes to the 5 minutes I’ve already walked. I’ll do more, too. Walking and playing the tiles game sure beats walking to music or reading while walking. It’s the quickest time-passer. It makes walking a half-hour seem like walking for a few minutes. Of course, I break up that 20 minutes to a half-hour over the course of the day.

Speaking of working out, well, I learned two new things about coffee. I learned that caffeine enhances a workout. Something to do with how it affects the central nervous system. It’s also a mild diuretic. No wonder I have to pee so much when I drink it. Even decaf coffee makes me pee like hell.

Tom brought the animals (except the cat) a treat today when he went to pick up sawdust. He got more nibble sticks, and also some Cheetos. There are orange ones and green ones. It said on the bag that it was for guinea pigs, hamsters, gerbils, mice and rats. Velvet and Ratsy didn’t seem to care for the orange ones, but they ate the green ones. The mice seem to like both.

He said he saw the perfect nest for Ratsy there that he’ll take me to see sometime. Right now he’s curled up in dreamland in the old plastic ball. He’s too big for this ball, though. It’s really only good for hamsters and gerbils. The mice never cared for the ball. They just sit there, rather than roam around in it.

Tom’s back is doing better. He said when he keeps moving, it’s OK, but when he’s still, it gets stiff.

He was able to work at our daughter’s house and says things are going as scheduled and he should be done tomorrow. Thank God!

He said he’s determined to get going with doing stuff for us and with living our lives.

We had another chat, which was good, about her and the money and all that. He reminded me that whether or not she knowingly took advantage of Tom for his money (which she never needed because she’s got 100 grand in the bank) or did so due to her illness, that money’s coming back because we’ll be getting about $20,000-$30,000 when she dies. True. And what goes around does come around. I really believe that. At least I do for most people. Someday those freeloaders are gonna make a reasonable request of someone and they’re gonna get shit on for it. Someone’s gonna bother them and stress them out someday. Fortunately, I’ve paid for all the people I woke up with my prank calls and I’ve paid for that child I’ll never have waking me up as I woke my folks up, but it’s gonna be another several months before I pay for the annoying calls I made. Remember, I have to pay at least 4 times over for the things I do. Got lots of more sales calls to be bothered by!

So, as Tom told me he feels he’s paid his debt to his dad, but it was something that he, at least in his mind, had to do. He’d hang out with his father because he was his friend, but when he hangs out with his mother, it’s because he’s being the “good son.” So, he’ll continue to visit his mom, but he’s not gonna give her hours of his time and thousands of dollars. He can at least visit her because what’s gone on with her is a totally different situation than what I went through with my family. His mother doesn’t abuse him in any way.

Later…

The cock’s on the street. Bill’s still here, too, but I expect he’ll slam out any sec. He’s parked outside of the carport, though, so I won’t hear his door so much.

That bitch is just like our daughter. Nothing but a user. Even if Bill has no wife and no life, you think he wants to put in all those hours of work in taking care of that little mistake and getting no money for it? I don’t think so. She’s using him.

Know what else shocks me? The fact that the cock doesn’t approach and leave the house blasting music. I mean if it’s on the street, what can I do, right? I’m surprised that once he gets as close as two houses away when he’s coming and that once he pulls out into the street when he’s leaving, he doesn’t really blast it. Maybe the bitch really doesn’t like the music real loud, because although she’s been with him when his bass was thumping, she’s never been with him when it’s really thumping. That’s basically his thing. Guess that bitch really does want to keep that house bad. Fortunately, I still vibe us moving before they do, thank God, so I can make my little delivery and not have to worry about them damaging the house.

Later…

If Andy really moves in April, though I know he won’t, then either Tom or I am right about moving in March or June. Or somewhere really close to March and June, if old patterns stick. As Andy pointed out, we’d always move within a few months of each other. So, if patterns stick, one of us should be right and I hope it’s him, of course. I just hope that it’s quiet till we split and that we go before our lovely freeloaders do!

Speaking of old patterns sticking, it should be quiet this winter. Normally, I’d get compensated for all this quiet time I’ve been soaking up, but I never seem to move out of a noisy situation. Except for the NHA. I’m not saying there won’t be enough basketball games, but it’s always after I’ve gotten a neighbor to quiet down that one of us moves. Not always, but usually. If things keep going as they have, though, the freeloaders should stay quiet as far as the music goes till they move. Or till we do. If they were moving right now, though, there’d be music like you wouldn’t believe. So, if I suddenly start getting based out, that’ll mean they’re moving, because then what would they care anymore? Not that they ever did care about me. Just themselves. They’ll probably revert back to their old ways after we move if we do move first. I don’t know if the cock will move back in, but it’ll spend nights there, which I’m surprised it doesn’t do now, and the music will be like old times whenever he does come and go. Same with the bitch’s cronies.

Later…

Today and yesterday were easier as far as the hunger goes. I hope that since I can’t be hunger-free every day I can at least be OK most days. I’m walking, doing inner thigh, hip, and arm exercises, and watching the calories. I’d guess my weight to be about 115 pounds now. My guess as to what I’ll weigh when I weigh myself next is 112-115 pounds. Wish I could say I’d be no higher than 110 pounds, but nope.

This is unbelievable. I expected to remain in the high one-teens to the low 120s until I weighed myself again in mid-October. You know, like 117-122 pounds. When I woke up, though, I was noticeably thinner. Thinner than I ever have been since gaining weight, I think. My hips are down to a 35”! According to what I’ve kept track of on the calendar, my hips were 37” when I was 122 pounds and 36” when I was 117 pounds. After calculating, wouldn’t me having my hips at 35” put me at around 111 pounds? But could I really be down that low? Do I look it? I’ll have to ask Tom.

Meanwhile, I also almost buttoned up a pair of shorts that I couldn’t even come close to zipping, let alone buttoning. I could pull the material at the waist within 2” of touching and that was it. Now, I can zip them up and almost button them. If I tried hard enough, I’m sure I could button them, but not without squashing my kidneys and all that. No thanks.

Lastly, there was a really sexy bikini-like top that Andy gave me that used to belong to a friend of Michelle’s. Her friend was an exotic dancer too, and it’s a gold satin top, with black ribbon straps and black fringes hanging down to the hips. Well, I couldn’t even clasp that top around my tits when I was given this thing. I was a good inch or two away from the clasps reaching. Now - perfect fit!

Picked up five suspense movies at the video store yesterday, and Tom got a computer game in the mail that he was all psyched up about. I’ve seen three of the movies and they were great. I was afraid it’d turn out that I’d seen them before but had just forgotten, or that I wouldn’t be able to get into them.

Tom’s at our daughter’s house trying to finish up the six or so remaining hours of Mrs. Live-My-Life-For-Me’s work. I hope his back holds out during this slavery, which he hurt at work last night. Now all I have to do is hope that Mrs. Do-Everything-For-Me won’t end up worsening it.

Later…

I’m OK with never seeing Tammy again and I probably never will, but I sure miss Lisa. I really believe, though, that she’ll fly out here someday within the next few years. If not to live, then to visit.

She and Sarah are just kind of there in the looks department, but God I hope poor Becky’s looks improve for her sake. She is not only geeky and overweight, but her face reminds me of a little chipmunk. Tammy’s feelings would probably be hurt if I told her that of all three girls, I really see her in Becky. It’s so true, though. She also looks a lot like Bill’s niece Lisa who’d be in her late teens by now. She too, was a homely, heavy girl. I shouldn’t talk, though. I’m not only aging in looks, but I’m also looking like a total geek these days. I always had a geeky look to my face. Not my eyes, but in the mouth and chin area, I look really goofy. And although I’m thinner than I was last January, and although most women would probably swap bodies with me, I’m still fat.

That address label company sent me a few labels. God, I cannot believe people’s persistence! People just do not give up. They are so obsessed. There were 5 sales calls today and I’m sure there’ll be a few more. They’re right back to their old shit as far as the constant calls go. I don’t know anymore if Jenny C is tied in with some of these calls or not, but people sure are pushy.

Speaking of which, I just got an “unavailable” call and the guy asked for David S. Yeah, we still even get mail for him at times. Anyway, I told the guy to fuck off and he said, “Yes ma’am.” Well, we’ll see if this makes him all the more determined to call or not.

Anyway, the labels are seasonal and pretty boring for the most part.

Tom didn’t go to our daughter’s house today because his back hurt too much. He said he should be able to get around to it tomorrow. If he goes there and ends up getting more hurt, I’ll personally kill this woman myself! God, I wish this family didn’t live locally! I love Arizona and want to stay here, but sometimes I think California or Nevada would be nice. Then all these users wouldn’t bother him so much. Hell, I can’t believe Wendy doesn’t call anymore. Haven’t heard from her in months.

Tom’s dad was really big on people not taking advantage of others. He turned his brother away who was a homeless drunk and came to the house one day years ago. Tom said he never saw him that mad. Well, I always believed that if someone was a negative influence in your life, you should get rid of them whether they’re related or not. People need to have self-respect and look out for themselves.

Tom taught me the class he’s gonna be teaching to about 10 people tonight, so he could practice how he’d go about it. It’s that thing they taught him in Vegas about handling change and how the “ending phase” brings on feelings of denial, anger, shock, fear, and frustration. (I’d add depression) And the “neutral zone” brings on feelings of anxiety, chaos, confusion, uncertainty, and miscommunication. The “new beginning” brings on feelings of enthusiasm, anxiety, energy, hope, impatience, creativity, acceptance, and skepticism. Not all people get all these emotions, but some do, and it deals with how to deal with them best.

The freeloader just got her yard done for free for being the city bum that she is.

Speaking of the little freeloader, I cannot believe the company-freak this lisp bitch is! Fortunately for everyone around here, there was no music. A bald black boy of about 6 years of age began to play basketball, but to my astonishment, it was only for a minute. Also to my astonishment, 3 cars came, and I never even heard doors. You’d think they’d give me a major slamming spree, but nope.

At 11:30, the white car, which seems to be the car that comes the most on weekends, came and took the bitch somewhere. I think this is her sister who drives this white car.

At 2:00 things got really weird. I couldn’t tell for sure, but the two cars in the carport were the white one, and the cock’s car. Out in the driveway, was a red one. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear the cock was living there. He probably did drag over his friends, though.

By 4:00 all cars were gone. Then an hour later, I saw the bitch standing by the red car, which took off shortly after. I also saw someone walking into the house that appeared to be a fat, Spanish woman in her late teens or early 20s. Her hair was wavy, and it was just past the shoulders.

Bill is over there mistake-sitting and given how the weather was this morning, I’d say it’ll be any time now that they’ll pop their windows and doors open and hit the outdoors. It was actually pleasant out, slightly cool. Summer’s just about gone, but the bees aren’t. The bees are still alive and kicking big time, whereas they were gone by mid-August last year.

In good news - I finished the proofreading! Finally, huh? Anyway, I may do some other long-term, fun project, but we’ll see.

Later…

I’m not the least bit surprised to say this, but the mineral pill seemed to stop taking effect yesterday. Yesterday, and today so far, I’ve got my mind on food an awful lot. I’m not back in the 120s like I thought I’d be by now, but I’m definitely still in the 115-120-pound range.

The goddamn phone’s gonna start ringing off the hook any second now. Last Friday by 2:00, there’d already been 20 calls. Lisa, Andy, sales, etc.

I just called and made the appointment with the GYN that Tom and I picked out. The soonest I could get was November 9th, but that’s fine. She’s an OB/GYN and she does infertility.

Now, I know that if I were smart, I wouldn’t even bother. Chances are great that I’m just not gonna get any answers. I don’t know why. It’s just a feeling I get. Also, Tom boldly lied through his teeth last night. I made a comment saying, “You cum more often than not,” to see if he’d go along with it and he did as he said, “Yup,” which is fucking bullshit! Total fucking bullshit!!

After I asked myself if there was any way he could be cumming without my knowing it and acknowledged that the answer was no, I then asked myself why he’d be lying about this. Why is he so afraid to let the truth be known to me? Is he afraid of how I’d react? He obviously isn’t worried about his testing interfering with things or giving him away. Somehow, he knows he can “beat” this testing thing. He seems to be confident about it, anyway. If we do go through with testing, and if he does let them have a sample of his cum, then I was right all along about his “selective cumming.”

Well, as I said months ago, I’m determined to never let the issues of sex or a child hurt, anger, or frustrate me again in any way. I refuse to let these things be a part of my life, and maybe that’s why I’m not hurt that he lied to me, although I suppose I should be. Any other woman probably would be, but because I no longer want a child, and because I got so sick of the whole damn screwy sex thing a long time ago, it doesn’t faze me. Not even I choose to cum anymore when we screw. Although, for different reasons, of course. I’m just not turned on enough, although I would cum regularly if he always went down on me instead of always screwed me. I’d just rather get off myself, but even that’s not so easy anymore.

This is the second out of three vibrators to break on me. So, unless it’s something up there trying to tell me this is a forbidden pleasure, vibrators suck. They’re made so shitty, so I’m just gonna use the last one I’ve got till it breaks, then no more vibrators.

As far as I know, our little lisp bitch next door’s been behaving. I was only up till 4 PM yesterday, but in all that time, I didn’t see or hear any cars.

Maybe I’ve already mentioned this, but what I don’t get about this bitch and cock is this: If he’s got enough money to have such nice cars, and if he can keep a job steadily, why not marry the bitch and support the bitch and mistake himself? Can’t he take care of them? Why leave them stuck on welfare with all the rules and restrictions that go with it? Maybe the bitch just likes the idea of having something handed to her for free, even if it isn’t much. They’ve all gotta try to get something for nothing.

You know, it still really pisses me the fuck off the more I think of his mom and others on his side of the family. It really burns me up to know we’re out $4,000 and two years because of this selfish woman. Doesn’t she, Mary, Dave, or anyone else have a clue as to how much time and money we’ve lost because of her, Mary, and others? When Tom, who knows money well, told me just how much money we’ve been suckered out of, I was so pissed, and I still am, that I don’t know if I want to even see these people again. It’d just be way too hard to look them in the face and smile and be all nice to them.

I saw on the Caller ID box that Mary called last night after I crashed. Now, I know she didn’t call just to say hi. I’ll ask Tom when he gets up what she wanted from him this time. I just hope he sticks to his word of putting his foot down. I would’ve stopped at the first $100 and the first 10-20 hours of work I put in for Mrs. Do My Work For Me, and when I asked Tom why it took two years and $4,000, he said it was because he felt bad for her. Also, he felt like he owed his dad, who never took advantage of his time or money, but now he’s realized he’s paid his debt many times over. To me, we as children or grownups, don’t owe our parents anything. When they decided to have us, they should’ve known what they were getting into, and they’re not our responsibility. Marge just has no concept of money, according to Tom. Tom’s dad would take him with him to buy parts for jobs he needed and would pay him more than what the parts cost. And he never demanded so many hours, days, months, and even years of work from Tom, and he never played favorites. This woman, though, thinks all jobs should pay $20. He goes out and buys $100 worth of parts, then 5 hours, or days later, depending on how long the job took, she gives him $20, then says she’ll “catch him later.” In other words, what she’s really saying is, “I got what I wanted from you, now fuck off.”

Now, his dad may have given us $10,000 towards buying this house in ‘93, and mom may have bought us a $3,000 AC/heat pump, and given us other things, and we may be doing well financially these days, but with all the money spent on her, we could’ve bought this shit ourselves many times over.

People with younger kids have no respect for others. They think they’re special and that they should come first, and they think they’re owed top this, top that. I’ll bet you anything that Pam raided that house right along with Jackie, Jim, David and Evie.

I wish Marge would just hurry up and drop dead, and I don’t give a shit how mean, selfish, cruel, ungrateful or spoiled that sounds. We’ve lived her life for her long enough. My whole life has been total overkill on taking care of others first and myself last. Or just not being able to live my life for myself and do the things I want to do for whatever reason. Either fate wouldn’t allow it, there wasn’t enough money, etc. I’m not saying no one ever did anything for me or spent money on me. Look at all the help I got from Tammy, Dureen and Art in getting me the hell out of New England. Look at all Tom’s done for me. Nonetheless, my whole life’s been what I was forced to be like, to say, to do, but no more! No fucking more! I have too much self-respect these days to be taken financially or to associate with people like Dureen and Art who don’t love/accept me as I am and who are control freaks. Everything has always been what I can do for others. Not what I can do for myself, but for others. Well, I’m taking my life back now that should’ve been mine the day God gave it to me. As soon as she does die, though, Mary, Evelyn, and others are gonna be bombarding Tom with do-this-and-do-that-for-me requests because they’ll think that when Mom dies, he still won’t want his own life and his own money. Well, they’re wrong!

Deep down, though, I will always appreciate the fact that there was never any violence, verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse in this family as there was in mine. (there was no sexual abuse in mine, though, that I know of) Tom said Ma’s long-dead stepfather was a violent drunk, though. My family consists of abusers, his consists of users.

Of course, I want to do things to please Tom, because he’s the love of my life. Of course, I’ll talk to Lisa. Of course, I’ll tell Andy something in Spanish for him if I can. I’m just saying that Tom and I need to live our lives too, and do stuff for our house, and use our money for us.

In better news, I never knew it when he came into bed last night, so that’s great.

We got our yearly check from SRP for a few hundred dollars, so now we can hunt for the best airfare deals and head on over to Vegas! See, there are two electric companies. APS and SRP. We have APS which is more expensive, so SRP pays us the money we would’ve saved if we’d had them. The people can’t choose who they use, though. It all depends on where you live.

We also picked out a lady OB/GYN (Dr. Wells) for me to call this week for a check-up and to start the testing. I can’t believe I’m finally doing this. Or at least, it looks like I’m gonna be doing this.

I asked Tom if he felt that doing what Andy’s sister Linda did is a form of a black market paying for a person and all that. He said he doesn’t feel paying for fertility stuff/babies in that way is like the black market.

Later…

Tom got up a while ago but has gone back to bed to at least rest. He has to go to work tonight at 7:30.

Mary called to say what she did at Marge’s house. She and Dave went over to play around with the stuff, more so than to help do their fair share of work. Tom has the dumpster till Friday, so at least he’s not too pressured to finish the job, but you’re talking another 5-6 hours’ worth of work he has to do for her.

Thank God there is a Mary and Dave and other relatives because then we’d be stuck with her living here and with 100% of the work, instead of 90% of it. I probably would’ve insisted she go to a nursing home.

Tom was telling me about a disturbing movie he saw that he hopes I don’t see. I won’t want to see it now since he already told me about it. Besides, I pretty much only watch the movies we’ve been renting. I do like commercial-free movies better than TV shows (series) but I hate today’s acting style almost as much as yesterday’s. Yesterday’s was overkill on the dramatics, but at least you could hear what they were saying. Today, there are fewer dramatics, but you can’t hear a damn thing they say, because they talk so fucking soft. And there’s just too much repetition. Like I said, it’s wrong for Dureen and Art to have tried to control/change me like they did, but I can understand how easy it is to get sick of hearing the same things, or things that are of no interest to me.

Being a drama schoolteacher must be easy. I mean, all you gotta do is tell students, “Talk really soft and show no emotion.”

I’m really excited about taking up a new hobby - doll collecting. I’m done collecting mugs, stickers, rodent cage parts, journals and CDs. I wish it weren’t so costly, but I just can’t get over how cute/lifelike some of the dolls in this catalog are! Tom and I are gonna look around the city to see if we can find dolls that are just as nice and compare prices, but I’ll keep this catalog just in case. Hope I win big in Vegas!

I’ll describe the four dolls I’d like to start with getting over the next several months.

The Rapunzel doll, which looks like a small child, is 19” tall with long blond hair, brown eyes, and a dark green dress. If I could change anything about her, I’d make her hair dark and I’d change her dress color to pink.

Katherine Rose, who also looks like a small child, is 14” tall like the Jessica doll I’ve got, with hazel eyes, auburn hair that’s up in a bun with curls hanging down on the sides, and a burgundy-colored dress.

Patrice, who looks like she’s a teenager, is 14” tall and a beautiful ballerina. She stands on one toe, with the other straight up behind her. She’s got dark curly hair piled up with loose curls spilling around her face, dark eyes, and a beautiful, sleeveless, light blue tutu.

Summer Dream is the most realistic and womanly doll of them all, although Patrice is pretty realistic-looking, too. Summer Dream is 19½” tall, and a gorgeous bride with blue eyes and blond hair piled up. I love how her backless gown falls off the shoulders.

I guess I never did describe Jessica, the one I stole in the mail. Well, she’s 14” tall with long blond hair, blue eyes, and is a young child wearing a light blue cotton dress with a matching bonnet and holding a teddy bear.

I have a shitload of shit to update on. First of all, I wouldn’t be surprised if Andy was a pest this weekend. Or at least till we get to talk live next. Red Lobster called me yesterday asking if “Mark” was gonna come in and I let him know that he didn’t live there and that I was just listed as a reference. I gave him his number. Andy left a message later saying he didn’t know why I was called. Guess the kid couldn’t read his file correctly, but Andy’s kind of on-call and doesn’t know from one day to the next whether or not he’s doing lunch or dinner. He hates Red Lobster because he’s making shitty money there. Too bad, because I know he’s wanted to work there for quite a while.

Anyway, in his reply message to me, he also said he had some exciting news for me that he wants to tell me live, and I’m thinking - Great. I can’t wait. I’m sure the exciting news is nothing more than a guy he met who he thinks is Mr. Right and that he’ll live happily ever after with, something about Stevie Nicks, or some hot new career he thinks he’s getting into. Nonetheless, I’ll listen to whatever he has to tell me. I’m not a Dureen. It’s not like I don’t care or love and accept him as he is, and it’s OK for him to talk about stuff that doesn’t interest me.

Got up a couple of hours ago and left Andy an update on what’s been going on, which I’ll update here in a sec, but I don’t always expect him to remember or even get what the hell I’m saying.

Haven’t heard from Andy or Michelle about those messages I left. Yeah, I finally got around to leaving some messages with the different voices reading goofy text.

Lisa called me yesterday to fill me in on things. I know that she’ll be calling while she’s suspended. Bill didn’t hit her. That was a relief to know, but she’s still upset with how Tammy appears to be contradicting and she doesn’t like how she’s always talked about. I told Lisa that the sooner she learns that most people are contradicting and that people will always gossip about her whether it’s in a good or a bad way, the easier her life will be (as if Andy hasn’t spent hours and hours talking about me to Michelle).

She said she called Larry’s for the first time in a while and that now she sees what I mean. She said she called wanting to talk to Jen, but Larry answered. She said he sounded very cold. Yeah, I knew it. As I told her, sooner or later, he’s gonna reach his fill and basically wash his hands clean of her. He’s a wimp. Can’t deal with other people’s problems. He didn’t just dump me years ago because of things I said and did to him, Sandy or Michelle, but because I had so many problems back then.

Anyway, instead of thinking - I told her not to call - now she can hopefully learn her lesson from this. She got to see what I was talking about, so hopefully she, Tammy, and her sisters won’t ever contact Mom, Dad, or Larry. They’ll only hurt them. Maybe not right away, but they will. For every good, fun time you can have with these people, that’s 50 frustrating, bad times you get too. They’re not worth it. The bad in them outweighs the good by way too much.

Still haven’t weighed myself in days, and now that my water’s gone and my period has passed, I don’t think I am back in the 120s after all. That trace mineral pill still seems to be making a world of difference, but it’s still too soon to say that it’s because of that. I do have a few days here and there where I’m not hungry every other second, but we’ll see. If I still feel more energized and less hungry a week from now, then yes, I’d say the mineral pill is helping.

If they didn’t make Benadryl, I’d never have gotten to my boring, uncomfortable appointment yesterday. I was in such a foul mood yesterday and I’m sure they all could tell. First, Melanie did her thing which wasn’t too bad. The pressure was only for half a minute, rather than for two or three, but the time I had to spend waiting in between Melanie and the filling, bored me to utter frustration. As well as bitterness towards God. If he’d just let me come into this world normal, I wouldn’t have to go through this shit. Wasn’t just the ear thing alone enough? Obviously not. But at least I get such a great-looking orthodontist out of it.

Novocain is a slow-acting drug. It takes a good 20 minutes or so for it to set in and really numb things up. And it also makes your heart race. It would’ve been fine if Melanie stayed in the room and chatted with me, but I was left all alone in there. I don’t know if it’s because she didn’t want to be around me, or because she had other things to do, but after what seemed like an eternity, the doctor and Oprah came in and filled me.

The doctor may not be such a liar after all. I told him I was surprised I had a cavity since I’d been brushing really well and he said it’s not so much that I have a cavity, it’s that the old filling broke up and left an area of decay exposed that had to be refilled.

Anyway, the soreness caused by Melanie and the doctor combined brought me to tears of frustration when I got home, and I’ve been taking a lot of Ibuprofen. I may have a lot of curses, but boy am I blessed to have such a wonderful, supportive guy like Tom.

Now that my appointment’s over, Tom and I can go back to being “normal” and sleep together.

Later…

What? Are we not working this morning, bitch, or are you back to leaving at 7:30, instead of earlier? Well, I don’t think she’s working. I think it’s some type of training thing. I’ll hear when Bill gets here.

Tom says he doubts the bitch’s cock will move back in again, but I disagree. I hope he’s right, but if I’m right, I’ll just have the cock kicked out again. It’ll only take up to two weeks to boot his ass out of here, and while I’m still here, if you can’t cut it in this neighborhood - you’re out of here! Particularly when it comes to next door.

Those Lopezs are very very lucky that I didn’t know that I’d be here this long back in ‘93 and that I know I won’t be here more than another year. Those dogs have been horrendous lately, and if I’d known I’d be here this long, or if I suddenly wanted to stay here, I’d either take legal action or have those dogs taken away or destroyed. It’d probably be one of the last two since legal action probably wouldn’t do me any good. The courts would tell them to keep their dogs quiet, the Lopezs would say “sure,” then carry on as usual. The only way they could shut those dogs up, anyway, would be to either keep them indoors or debark them.

Here’s Bill.

Later…

Lisa called and we spoke for about an hour. She’s bothered by the fact that people think she’s cutting herself to get attention. I know better, though. Take it from someone who was just like her - it has nothing to do with attention-getting. It’s an illness, and until she learns to channel her anger/depression/frustration differently, this is how it is.

I told her, using the cutting, the weight loss, the ear surgery, the teeth, etc., that it just takes time to solve most problems. They can take years to solve, but if not, they don’t usually get fixed overnight.

I told her that after dealing with two of the three things that I was born without/screwed up, it’s still hard, and it’s taken a long time (she knows about the ear and teeth, but didn’t know about the DES, which I explained to her).

She said she thinks of having a kid, but not at her age, naturally. More like when she’s 27. I told her that in my opinion, not getting married or having kids before age 25 is good. I think that between 25-45 is good. Of course, at her age, she sees 30 and 40-year-olds as antiques. I told her that once she got into her 20s, her 30s and 40s wouldn’t seem so old. Guess it just depends on where you are in life. At 80 years old, wouldn’t the 60-year-olds seem young?

She told me that this 16-year-old from school had a miscarriage, and the next night, she and her boyfriend were out partying. She also feels, though, that it was the best thing since she was so young and since this girl’s parents shouldn’t have been parents themselves from what she told me. I didn’t know God had it in him to kill a child that was inside of another child, but of course, he shouldn’t have stuck it in there in the first place.

She also says she found an old video of me. The one I sent in ‘94 with Tom and I at Castles & Coasters, and with Piggles swimming.

Lastly, she was describing the nuisances of having ADD where you can’t focus too easily on things. I swear that girl and I have everything in common except for two things. I never had the desire to become a meteorologist (not that she’s necessarily gonna end up doing this for sure) and I see nothing to indicate that Lisa’s gay or even bi in any way.

Never have I heard Tom utter one bad word about his father, and never have I heard him utter one bad word about his mother. Until yesterday. He’s fed up with what I got fed up with in ‘95 or ‘96. The constant demands. Do this for her. Do that for her.

See, as much as Tom disagrees with this too, back when his parents got married, it was common for the man to be the boss in every sense of the word. His parents were always the opposite of my parents. With my parents, Doe’s the boss. With his parents, whatever his dad said was what his ma did. So, now he’s not sure if the fact that his mother’s been taking advantage of him has to do with her illness or her own nature. Was she always this way? Is this the true Marjorie S that only emerged after Dad’s death? Although, I think it all started as soon as Dad got sick.

I’m glad that Tom told both his mother and Mary how he feels, and this is what he told me: He’s mainly bummed out by all the time and money he’s put into her, while she just gives hundreds of dollars worth of things to Jackie and Jim, David and Evie, etc. All they have to do is ask and they get. Tom spends 5 hours doing a job for her that costs him $30 worth of parts and what does she give him for it? A lousy $20. Meanwhile, that’s $10 and 5 hours he’s lost that we could’ve spent together, doing things for us for a change, in our house, and that’s money that could’ve been saved towards moving.

He totally regrets giving up his Nissan for her Ford, but Ma felt like she was doing him this huge favor and was all bummed out at the idea of him not taking the fucking thing. He’s spent so much money and so many fucking hours fixing this car. It’s getting better and it’ll be a sufficient enough car to have till we get a new one, but at least with the Nissan, it never wouldn’t go at all. He could put quick fixes on it till he had time to work on it. Not with this Ford, though. He has to work on major, money-eating problems right then and there or be without a car.

As I told him, I always did feel that he was the one who had to do the bulk of her work. He has to be Mary’s fucking mechanic, he has to put in a shower door at her house because Dave’s too stupid to, and on and on and on. He’s his mother’s driver, his mother’s this, his mother’s that, but everyone else gets to get things for nothing. They don’t lose any time or money.

I really think it’s because we don’t have kids. His mother obviously thinks that just because he has a life, he doesn’t mind giving it up for her. Well, she’s wrong, and I’m sick of the demands from that family and I’m sick of the favoritism. They’ve lessened lately, but still. Poor Tom has to spend hours at her old house, after working all night, emptying the stuff into a dumpster, while everyone else gets to sit on their fucking asses and get shit handed to them. I hope he’ll enjoy the memories that the stuff brings, though, because he was very close to his dad.

Years ago I wanted to tell Ma, “Hey! You’re running him ragged and I’m afraid you’re gonna kill the guy! He needs to get his sleep and he needs to live his life, too.”

But of course I never did/would because it’s not my place to. Not unless something serious did happen to Tom. Tom’s not blind, though. Unlike some people, he’s able to see what this has done to him/us, and he knows when to draw his own lines.

So, Tom’s basically had to decide whether or not to wash his hands clean of the situation, which he knows would mean sticking more on Mary, but tough. There comes a time when you have to think of yourself and your own life, too, you know. He’s not gonna dump his family in the way that I dumped mine, but he’s not gonna spend all this time and money on living her life for her.

I still love his mother dearly as well as the rest of the family, but if I were in their company right now, I don’t think I’d be my usual bubbly self. I think I’d be distant with a neutral tone of voice and they may perceive that to be cold, but like Tom said, you can’t control/change what others think.

I’m proud of him for speaking his mind and for making the decision he’s made.

I don’t know if she’s gonna sell the house or give it to Jackie and Jim, who are under the very false impression that they can rent that house out and get money for doing nothing. Well, if they take that house, they’re gonna be in for a surprise when they start calling for Tom’s help with maintaining it because the answer’s no.

I asked Tom if he thought I was using him for rides to the doctor and he said no because that’s part of our system, just like he’s not using me to do his laundry. True. Very true.

Both yesterday and the day before, I just missed the call back from Dr. Brown’s office. Lisa, the secretary called and left a message. Again, was I meant to miss the call? I sure felt like I was.

So yesterday, Tom offered to sit down with me this weekend and pick out one of Intergroup’s GYNs and just go directly to them so I wouldn’t have to go for repeat PAPs and all that BS.

Just a little while, though, Lisa called. It came up as private (private in the back and anonymous in the living room) and I picked up thinking that although it was early, maybe it was Andy. It was Lisa, though, and I recognized the voice right away. She asked how I knew it was her and I told her I was very good with voices. Anyway, she told me the primary doctors allow you to go once to another doctor without a referral and to call her back if there are any problems.

So, I guess it’s off to whatever GYN we pick out.

Later…

Oh, brother! Here we go again. What’s Andy’s wonderful news? Well, in his message to me, he says he’s definitely moving back east in April. David’s gonna pay for it, he’ll be moving right in with David, and he just doesn’t want to be alone anymore. Yeah, right! I mean, I know he’s desperately lonely, but I also know I’ve heard this before from him about moving back east and I know he’s not gonna do it.