I’m so psyched over the fact that April’s less than 24 hours away! Finally!!! April’s gonna be a fun month. We’re going to a department store for the first time in ages, I’m ordering another doll, and of course, the best part will be sending Teddy Bear her letter. He’s supposedly going to get paneling for the sheds, ceiling fans for the den and living room, shades for the bath and retreat, but I’ll believe it when I see it. As for the fences, plants, garage, porches, pool - I’ve given up. I don’t see any of that happening this year. God’s not gonna let me lock the cheeks out anyway, or else he wouldn’t have bothered to sic the freeloaders and their pig pal on me in the first place. I’m sure we won’t get fences till right around the end of the probation.

Those cheeks could come this week. I have another theory as to why he came twice in January. Maybe a lot of people on probation feel that a new year should bring about a new address as well. And all without telling their POs. Maybe it’s a New Year’s resolution thing for a lot of probationers.

The mice drive me absolutely crazy with their drinking. It’s non-stop! The things drink 4 times as much as the rats do and it makes no sense. How can such tiny creatures need so much water?

For about a week or two, I’ve noticed that my metabolism has been faster. I don’t know what’s speeded it up, though. I’m not really doing anything different than I have been over the last few months, though I have been eating more vegetables. There have been days when I’ve had 2000 calories and woke up a pound lighter the next day. I haven’t done that as often as I have lately since I smoked.

Later…

Another pound bites the dust. I’m now 117 and I’m sure this means I have to be stuck today. I’ve decided to get down to 110 and leave it at that. Just 7 more pounds! Maintaining is so much easier than losing! However, I must admit that trying to maintain 124 pounds would be easier than trying to maintain 110 pounds at my age.

I wonder what’s speeded up my metabolism all of a sudden, and why it took so long?

And now it’s the weekend when my life belongs to me. Actually, I got it back temporarily today, since Scot was in Casa Grande all day. Anyway, I get to keep my life till I have to give it back to the piggies and the bummies on Monday at around 10 AM.

I’ve been doing the major cleaning I do every 3 months where I do extra things like blinds, tops of doorways, etc., but I think I’ll take a day off from both cleaning and working out to just veg out in front of the TV, do some reading and writing, and maybe a little proofreading and singing.

Some of the babies are beginning to open their eyes.

Paradise Galleries just got a slew of new dolls. They get new dolls more often than Ashton-Drake did. Anyway, there’s a $40 Indian doll with floor-length hair that I like and a $40 Arabian doll with a colorful outfit. I think I’ll get her at some point. Her name’s Murganah. They’re both 20” dolls.

I’d say they’re probably getting ready to haul something in across the street. I slept all day today, so if anything went on over there, I don’t know. Yesterday, though, just as the sun was setting, I saw a white pickup over there, which fortunately wasn’t George’s, and someone appeared to be raking something. I couldn’t see them from the waist down, so neither Tom nor myself could say for sure what they were doing. But they weren’t anywhere near the for-sale sign. The sign is on the north side of the lot. They were working on the south side. So, it could be, depending on how the lot is split, that they were working on a section that wasn’t even for sale. Only time will tell. I just hope to hell that whatever gets hauled in is something that’s new and something that’s owned. Rented garbage won’t get us anywhere.

In just a few hours there’ll be just 30 days left till I can mail the letter. Oh, how I wish Teddy Bear would call between now and then, joking about it already being a year, just like she used to play with me by deliberately guessing wrong how many days I had left in jail! I don’t expect it’ll happen, though, and when I do see her, I don’t expect it’ll be till the first or second week in May.

Nor do I expect a response from Pérez, but oh, how I so do wish I could get something! Email would be nice, but I’d prefer something a bit more tangible than that like a card or a letter. Even just a postcard would do. If she hasn’t been on vacation or had the last two days off, she should’ve gotten my letter by now.

The babies are two weeks old today. Now that I can see their colors/markings quite clearly, I freed the 4 dullest ones. Tom wasn’t happy to learn I did this, saying he was developing a rapport with the pet store, etc. I reminded him that I don’t want to keep Lady, who’s just too timid, so he can bring her to them, along with those of Little Buddy’s babies that we don’t keep.

If he still thinks we’re going to do business with any pet store, he’s dreaming. No one wants a private breeder breeding from their homes. They use businesses geared towards breeding animals.

He’s still sick and I’m still ok. I’m virtually positive I won’t catch what he’s got.

The shorts now fit, though I don’t know why. I’m still 119 pounds. They don’t fit comfortably enough, though. I’d still like to get down to 115, then I’ll quit and just maintain that.

Tom has a cold right now. Now that I’m home, sleeping well, taking vitamins and not around hundreds of sick people, I shouldn’t get it myself. If I can just stay home, I should be alright. I still get so paranoid about that. First there were camps, then came the funny farms and other places, then the shitty apartments, then the Phoenix house, then jail. Well, mark my words - I am not going to be stuck anyplace I don’t want to be ever again!

They’re going to be ordering Tom a pager at work, and the cool thing about it will be that we’ll be able to send each other emails with it.

The babies are walking a little now, but their eyes still aren’t open.

One of the mice got beat up and looks about ready to drop. I hope not cuz it’s one of the best-looking ones, and I’d like to keep my mouse count up till the bear makes her selections.

I began the serious, top-to-bottom cleaning I do every 3 months. Today I did his bath and the utility. Tomorrow, I’ll do the den and his room, then the kitchen, then my office, then the dining and living area, then my room and retreat, then my bath. I’ll work down from one end of the house to the other over the next week.

No cheeks yet this week, though it’s only Monday. I expect him more like next week or the week after that, anyway, but you never know. I decided that anytime I’m up, even though it’s completely asinine to see someone so often over a letter, I’ll just play form with him. That way, I don’t end up ignoring him twice in a row if I’m asleep the next time he comes. I don’t want him getting paranoid and doing anything stupid about it that’ll cause trouble for the both of us. Especially with Tom’s car present. The whole ordeal takes less than two minutes, anyway.

When I came across an old pair of denim shorts the other day, I decided once again to lose weight so I can wear them, cuz denim goes with everything. It’s only 10 pounds. I can barely squeeze into them right now. I have so many tops that I don’t wear too often cuz I don’t have any shorts to go with them. Maybe I’ll find something at the department store we plan to go to next month. I look forward to that. Unlike most places, a dollar goes a long way in a department store. I hope to get new shoes, socks for next winter, a sundress or two, an outfit for Jade and whatever else.

I also decided that it may be nice to go tropical someday, even if we don’t end up on a boat. That way I’ll have lived in a variety of climates, from 4 seasons to the desert, to a tropical place.

I received a letter from Mary two days ago saying that she’s leaving soon. The trial’s set for April 8th. I don’t know where she’ll go from there or for how long. I assume she’ll go to prison in Florida for a number of years, after standing trial in the Gretchen case. Right now she’s testifying in the James case.

I was shocked when she said that Hope’s still her celly. I’ve never known anyone to cell together for 4 months in jail. Not that one, anyway.

I was also a bit surprised to learn Pérez still hasn’t shown up in M Dorm, so I decided to write to her directly. Tom will be mailing the letter tonight (I hope). There’s always the chance that he could be too paranoid about it and not mail it. Maybe he never even mailed Rule’s letter or intends to mail Teddy Bear’s letter, though I’d think he’d tell me so if he were really that adamant against it. Even then, he’d still mail it if I insisted he do so.

I thanked Pérez in my letter to her, explained the real reason I was there, now that I know all the facts, and asked that she send me a note in return as a keepsake to either the PO box address or email address, though I won’t count on it. It sure would be funny if that dream came true, though she wrote the note in person for me and enclosed a picture. I sent her a sheet of a dozen or so pictures from about a decade ago on up till now.

In my letter to Mary, I asked her if she wanted me to make this my final letter to her till she got to wherever she’s going and could tell me how the trial unfolded.

Yesterday Tom put up another ceiling fan at Mary’s place, but you know, I really don’t like how they load him up with crap. He eats enough crap on his own. That’s the one thing I don’t like about people like them. They live like filthy pigs, they eat like filthy pigs, and they expect others to do the same when they’re around them, not that they’d force the food down Tom’s throat if he said no. But it’s hard for even the strongest person to say no to pizza, candy, cookies and all the junk they have. I know I should be happy if he’s happy, but I worry about his health. We’re talking about a guy who doesn’t work out, doesn’t eat things like fish, fruits or vegetables. He lives on turkey hotdogs with cheese, cupcakes and soda.

All 12 babies are doing well. We’re both looking forward to going to all rats once the mice die off in about a year and a half. By then, given the fact that he’s making more money and I found this cheap doll site, I should have a lot more dolls by then and will set up a display in their place. This is along the wall dividing the living room and my office. The rats are in the large corner on the other side of the room.

Though a lot of the babies seem like they’re gonna be pretty cool looking and it looks like there’s a good variety, I doubt we’ll keep them all. I’m not even sure I want to keep Lady with the way she’s so damn timid. At least she doesn’t bite. Any biters are automatically out the door. I’m not putting up with any vicious animals.

I spotted a for-sale sign out the bedroom window this afternoon. Due to the way the front property line angles inward from south to north, I thought it was on the corner of the property to the right of us, but we took a walk out to it and saw that it’s actually 5 acres in front. The question is, what part of the lot is for sale? The part running alongside the front towards the side? In my vision, when we first moved here, I saw a house over there. One I knew would arrive by ‘05. At least it’s a newer one I saw, and we don’t have to worry about George buying it for shit rentals.

Anyway, it’s a lousy piece of property cuz of the way everyone drives over it. Our street is a wash, technically, and due to its soft beach-like sand, people are afraid to drive on it, figuring they’ll get stuck, so they drive up on the property where the dirt’s harder packed. Fortunately, they can’t drive on ours cuz of the bushes bordering the road.

As much as I love our house and living here, it really bothers me that we’re not rich enough to take off now, but God wouldn’t have had this shit happen in the first place with the freeloaders if he knew we could run from it. It’s just that not being able to run makes it so we’re forced into being their victims. It’s like having people hold you down while another beats the shit out of you. If we could run, though, then we wouldn’t be giving the freeloaders or the system the satisfaction of victimizing us. Then we could say “no” to them. No, you’re not going to victimize us anymore, no we’re not going to stick around and take your shit. No, you cannot control our lives, our money, our time.

But this way, we’re forced to kiss up to them all. They’ve won, just like always, and God will go on protecting these people for as long as it takes.

Sugar Plum came today and she’s super nice. Not as realistic as Patrice and Colette, but still, to think she cost just $25 is mind-boggling! Ashton-Drake would want $80 for her and the stores would charge $100 or more. Her purple dress with its pink accents is beautiful and her face is more realistic than Patrice and Colette’s. Unlike them, she has inset lashes and eyes, rather than painted ones. Even so, of all the ballerina dolls I’ve seen, I have yet to see one that compares to Patrice.

They also sent a gift certificate for free shipping and handling, which is nice of them considering the fact that she was supposed to be here nearly 3 months ago. So I’ll be getting a $25 black doll next month. Well, I’ll be ordering it then, but I doubt I’ll get it then. She’s called Christmas Glow. Her dress is boring, but she’s got a nice face. She’s a 14”. I may put her in another dress.

It just cost us over $200 for all new tires. I tell you, we need to paint ourselves black, cry racism, and sue someone. Then we’d have all kinds of money.

I often wonder - where would we be financially if it weren’t for Steven, Dan, and the freeloaders? Would we have a lot more money? I doubt it. God would just send someone else to rip us off. We go through one form of legal victimization after another. It never ends.

He’s out changing the oil in the car now.

They officially made him the boss of the 2nd and 3rd shifts last night, which he wasn’t expecting till the 1st. So now he’ll be making more money. I just hope we’ll be allowed to keep it, excluding bills, of course. It’s just that I fear the state’s gonna try to milk more money out of us by demanding more than $40 a month or something like that. Well, they can demand, but they can’t have. They said $40 and $40 it stays.

He also claims his hours will stabilize, but that I have to see to believe.

For the third time in the last few days, there was a trapped mouse waiting for me this morning. Figuring we might not have gone far enough when dumping the last ones and that this may be the same one that came back, I killed it. After all, there are thousands of them, so it’s not like I’m hurting the mouse population. Besides, what difference does it make whether or not I kill it or a snake does? So, I filled a bucket with water and drowned it in the trap, which isn’t airtight, then dumped it in the brush by the wash.

Still hanging around 119-121 pounds. I think this is it. I mean, I really doubt I’ll lose anymore. At least I can maintain the weight, though. So, Miss Teddy Bear, you’ll just have to want me as I am, fat face and all.

Down to 42 days to go. Two days and one year ago was the day she moved me for the last time and we both began to suspect we liked each other.

Yesterday, at my suggestion, he and I got together. I wanted to see if he’d blow me off again, but nope. I gave him a hard-on by hand and he gave me an orgasm by tongue. I was out of practice, though, as he admitted. My arms didn’t cramp up or tire out cuz of all the exercise I did, but my hand did.

Fortunately, he isn’t interested in screwing any more than I am. Not that I think God will have me get pregnant cuz I don’t want to, but I’d hate to think of how that’d feel after this long. I’m sure it wouldn’t tickle.

Although the silver van still resides in back, a navy Bronco has taken the place of the silver car. I still don’t see how these people can afford to stay home, and I know there are at least two or three of them. Could they be on Section 8? I doubt it. They’re much too civilized for that. In fact, I cannot believe how quiet they’ve been! I do see them enough, though. Every two to three times I pass by the kitchen window, I see anywhere from one to three people sitting out front smoking.

I wonder why I haven’t heard from Mary in a while. It’d be great to hear from Mary today saying that she saw Pérez, but I’d settle on just a letter from her. Either way, I’ll write her a letter today.

I still don’t understand how the cheeks went from seeing me 4 times in 7 months to seeing me 4 times in 2½ months. God, I wish we had fences with locked gates! Or a windowless garage, so I could say we were out on days I didn’t want to get out of bed for him when Tom was home. Then again, I’ll just tell him the truth - that I just wasn’t in the mood for company - and if he’s got a problem with it - tough shit! It’s my life, my house, and no one comes in here unless I ok it.

Just when it started to warm up to the point where we needed to run the AC in the late afternoon, it’s cold again. Is winter ever gonna end? I’m sick of the cold, yet I know I should enjoy it cuz I’ll be bitching about the heat, which lasts three times as long, in no time at all.

It was a quick run to the cheeks a couple of days ago. There were three guys and one woman sitting in the little jury box awaiting court, along with an armed female and male DO.

I know it’s a waste of time, but I could still kick myself for not giving the black pig the silent treatment! As Tom said, never admit to anything, even if you’re guilty. I guess it’s just that I truly thought he’d throw me in jail if I didn’t talk, but so what if he had? I was only destined to end up there anyway. I should’ve put my foot down up front and said, “Either arrest me or let me go, cuz I ain’t saying a word.”

Once we got to Tempe, he ate at Jack-n-the-Box and I ate at Long John Silvers which wasn’t all that great. It’s like their fish is all batter and no fish. And of course, had we gone just one more block down the road, there would have been two Chinese places. Always when you’re not looking for things is when you find them!

Got 10 more books at the bookstore, then hit Walgreens. The cashier had this really cool glitter eyeliner on, but they didn’t sell it there. Instead, I got 4 new chrome nail polishes, and now with a total of 11, I think I have enough. I got black pearl which isn’t that nice. It’s dark silver, almost gray colored. I got topaz, which is peach-colored and also not very impressive. Then I got royal purple and sapphire which are really nice.

I also got a few puzzles and a cheap Barbie in a boring dress which I changed into a nicer dress that had come with one of the Kelsey dolls.

We had two more wild mice, though I caught them quickly this time, without them ever getting up into the house.

I spoke to Paula yesterday. Not much up with her. Just the usual.

The cheeks popped in yesterday at 11:30. I knew he’d come this week since he didn’t last week. Good. Gets him out of my hair for at least two weeks, as far as home visits go, but truthfully, I’d rather he come here than me go there. That way, I could just ignore him if I wanted to. It gives me a little more control for a change instead of the other party always being the one in control. After seeing him today, like I have to, I might not let him in if he returns before the month is out like I believe he will during that long 3-week stretch, even if I’m up. This is simply because he just doesn’t need to see me 4 times in one month over a letter. He doesn’t need to see me as much as he has already.

He came in during one of the rap songs I was playing. That must’ve surprised him.

His visit left me with strange vibes that were even sort of creepy. He seemed all wired up like he was nervous or something. He’s been that way before when we were alone together, though I don’t know why. What does he think I’m gonna do? Attack him?

He then asked what we usually do with our garbage and I told him he takes it into the city, forgetting to mention that we take some of it to Gina at the recycling center, but it’s none of his business anyway.

He asked if Tom was at work and I told him that he was mainly on days this week.

Then he weirded out on me on his way out, saying that the small wooden bull that sits by the rat’s graves looked like a little dog, asking me why it was there. Or maybe he’s just plain stupid, something he’s already proven to be. This guy’s like most of society; room temp IQ.

Not even the smallest dog in the world is as small as that thing! How could he possibly think that was a dog? If he just wanted to know what was there, all he had to do was ask. For a minute there, he had me wondering if he wasn’t just itching to find something wrong, but I know that if he decided to fuck with me, he wouldn’t have to find anything wrong in a place that has nothing wrong in it to begin with. All he’d have to do is plant shit, and the idea of the possibility really worries me, too. He could plant a rifle under the house, for all I know. Take a bag of coke out of his pocket when I’m not looking and say, “Well, well, well. Look what I found.”

I’m not saying he’s out to get me since he hasn’t pulled any shit on me yet, but knowing the possibility’s always there is unnerving. Trusting anyone in law enforcement, except for Teddy Bear, has become virtually impossible for me. In light of all I’ve been through, I’m always paranoid and suspicious of their intentions.

I don’t know what good it’d do me, but maybe telling Scot about Teddy Bear would be a good thing. He has his law connections and I’ve got mine, and if he knows that, maybe he’d be less hesitant to mess with me if he ever decided to.

They were right on with saying that 12 is the average rat batch, cuz Lady had 12 babies this morning. They look just like baby mice, only bigger. They also squeak just like baby mice.

I hope to get a letter from Mary saying she saw Pérez and gave her my note.

I’ve been stuck between 119-121 pounds. I’ve been having one of those weeks where I’m always hungry and nothing fills me up. I wish I looked like someone who works out, and not this flabby chunk ball! Tom says I look fit, but I don’t see it. I feel it, but I don’t see it.

Just like most of what the media says is bullshit, so’s what you read online. Tom read a while back that female rats don’t kill mice like male rats do and that they often tend to them as if they were babies.

Wrong! I separated Lady, then stuck one of my duller-looking mice in with her as a test and she killed the mouse right away.

Now I wonder - are rats really pregnant for 3 weeks like mice? Are rats sexually active at 6 weeks like mice?

They’re out shooting this morning. I’m surprised by how often they shoot during the week.

Haven’t heard any booms lately. Ever since the first January, February, and March that we lived in this house, I haven’t heard them nearly as much. Perhaps that’s because my presence has brought in more people and it’s built up since then.

I’m shocked but pleased not to have had the cheeks disrupt my sleep yet, though he could come today or tomorrow. He wouldn’t wake me up, though, cuz I’d be crashing at the latest time he could be here. Or the latest he’s come as of yet, I should say. His earliest appearance has been at 10:00 and the latest has been at 2:45. I still think he’ll pop in during the long 3-week stretch in between reporting.

It really bums me out to have worked so hard, so consistently, and for so little. I’ve been working out nearly every day for months now, yet am the same weight/measurements I was the day I left jail. I think I deserve to see the results of all my hard work and that it’s high time I did.

Last night I put Lady Bud in the tank that sits by the big cage, since she’s about a week away from having the babies, only to find her back in with Little Buddy and Sneezy a little while later. She had jumped out and returned home. She could’ve explored while she was out, but nope, she just wanted to go home. I’ll wait and move her once the babies are born, which she won’t want to leave.

I washed all the curtains tonight which was a bitch. I had to steam some of them, but that’s way easier than using an iron.

Within the next couple of weeks, using the $120 Tom got from Mary for installing two ceiling fans and leveling out her cooler, we should be getting our own ceiling fans and shades. We want to put fans in the living room and den, translucent shades in the master bath, and room-darkening shades in the retreat, which faces west.

Just 13 more hours and then I officially belong to the blacks and the state once again. Or Maricopa County, I should say, despite the fact that this is Pinal County.

For now, I’ll just enjoy the night till I crash, which will be around sunup, till the cheeks wake me up. Who knows, though? Maybe Tom was right when he said that someone new was in the area and now that they’ve been on probation for a couple of months, he’ll back off for a while.

Paula said no one ever came to her place when she was on probation, but she had to report weekly. I’d rather the cheeks come here than for me to go there cuz that way I can just ignore him when I’m sleeping. Or trying to. One thing’s for sure and that’s that I’m not getting out of bed over a letter ever again, whether or not I’m the author of it.

Today we needed the AC for the first time this year, though only for a little while.

Yesterday I freed the remaining male mouse, leaving it to fate that he got anyone pregnant. If he didn’t, I’ll just get a new male and add new genes to the scene, the next time I feel like breeding again. Right now, though, I have 14 mice.

I question whether or not my male rats are really jumbos and not large rats. I think that different places use different terms for their biggest rats. I don’t think Lady Bud’s gonna get as big as the guys, and I think they’re all the same, be it jumbo or large rats.

Rats can have anywhere from 2-22 babies, averaging in at 12. It’s hard to believe this little girl could be carrying a dozen babies, but we should find out in about a week. Then they need to nurse for about 4 weeks, then when they’re 6 weeks old, I’ll need to separate them.

Teddy Bear, I can’t wait to see you! Just 50 days till it’s off with the letter.

It’s a lot easier fine-tuning old journals, which I’ve already begun doing even though I’m not yet done with the final proofreading of my condensed biography than it is to proofread biographies/stories! I even enjoy the work and watching something that’s special and meaningful to me become better written, even if it covers some not-so-nice times of my life. It’s like taking an old photograph and enhancing it on the computer. It’s a good thing this project will take a long time or else I’d be so bored.

I get a kick out of how I’d say, back in ‘91, that I’d come so far in life, and I’m like - come so far? Honey, you ain’t nowhere yet!

Mei Lin came today, but they really had us confused yesterday. First, Mei Lin looks great. She sure is slender for being as tall as she is. I decided to leave her hair in ponytails, too. I just polished her nails aquamarine.

Anyway, in yesterday’s mail, we received a letter saying Mei Lin wouldn’t be in till May 20th and I was like - fuck! No wonder these people are so cheap. Yet she came today. I asked Tom if maybe they meant the Sugar Plum Fairy wouldn’t be here till then, but accidentally typed Mei Lin’s name. He said he doubted it and that they probably thought they wouldn’t have enough Mei Lin’s to give me one this time around, but mailed the letter out before realizing that they did. So there are other people still waiting on another shipment. They probably dish out each batch in the order that they were ordered.

Paula, whom I spoke to last night, said she and Justin would email me, but I haven’t gotten anything. I guess Justin’s the one that mainly uses the computer.

I don’t know why Paula didn’t leave me a message when I asked her to let me know they didn’t haul her off to jail on the 28th, but she didn’t. Sometimes I think she likes to keep me wondering about her. I think she likes playing with my head, too. She says she sent another letter and pictures, but I haven’t gotten anything.

She has to go back to court on April 30th and May 30th, her birthday.

To my surprise, the cheeks never came this week. So he’ll come next week and wake me up for sure, cuz I’ll be asleep between 10:00-2:45, the hours he’s been known to make his appearances.

Still 118 pounds. I’m going to have to step up the action. Perhaps I’ll run to one whole song every two hours on top of my 10-minute run/10-minute workout session.

Out of the 4 babies I kept, I have 1 definite male and 3 ladies. One looks pregnant. After using the male to knock up the adults with markings (I have enough solids) I’ll turn the male loose.

Lady Bud is still a bit timid, but very mellow. Definitely not a biter. Not even a play-biter. I just wish I wasn’t allergic to the rats! I get these itchy red dots, but a bit of hydrocortisone takes it away.

I swear those fucking freeloaders interfere with my sleep more here than back there! No, no cheeks yet. It’s just that I keep waking up in anticipation of him. I didn’t crash till 5 AM, but by 11 AM, I was up. I’m going to be a bit tired today, but I’ll sleep better over the weekend, my only time free of the freeloaders, aside from holidays and the Fridays the cheeks is in Casa Grande having people report to him there.

I had vivid dreams of Teddy Bear. Dreams that to me were signs. Signs that said that yes, she is in my near future! Of all the women I’ve had crushes on, I’ve never dreamt of one like I’ve dreamt of her. Although I don’t remember much about the dreams, I could hear her voice so clearly. So clearly. More so than in my memory itself. She even woke me up, in a sense. It was as if she was there in the room, speaking right into my ear. I remember waking up instantly at the clarity of it, though I don’t remember a word she said.

Is this a sign? I asked myself before falling back asleep, hoping to dream of her some more to verify that yes, they truly were signs, though I figured as much, judging by the “feelings” the dream left me, telling me it wasn’t just a dream.

Nonetheless, I did dream more about her. We were co-workers someplace and she was touching me both playfully and affectionately, saying she was going to drive me home that day. Then I thought to myself - I should call Dad and tell him not to bother picking me up.

Tom’s going to be even more of a boss on nights and is going to be getting even more money. His hours should be more predictable anyway, which would be nice, cuz then I can plan my Teddy Bear activities around his schedule easier.

I emailed the doll company to ask about Mei Lin. They say she was shipped on the 27th and that I should receive her in 7-10 business days. That’d be between the 7th and 13th.

I’m doing well on the diet. Still running, still working out, still watching my calories. I’m 118 pounds. I doubt I’ll be the 115 I thought I’d be come Friday, but I should be 116-117 by then for sure.

After reporting on the 15th of this month, I won’t have to report for a whole 3 weeks. Amazing, huh?! However, I know Scot isn’t going to bless me with not having to see his fat face for 3 whole weeks, so I’m sure he’ll stop by during that time. He hasn’t come yet this week, but that’s probably because I didn’t go to bed as late as sunrise. God will have him come when he knows he can wake me up after I haven’t had any more than 5 hours of sleep.

There’s this thing out now called D-Snore. It’s supposed to work well with snorers like Tom, but I don’t know. That doesn’t mean his movements still won’t wake me up, or his talking in his sleep, not to mention the fact that I hate the male scent. My nose is way too strong for someone who stinks, not that he’s unclean or anything. He showers just as regularly as anyone else, but you know, it’s a guy thing. I also don’t appreciate it when he’s facing me, exhaling his sour sleep breath on me, either. I kind of like the privacy too, to go into my own little fantasy world. Ever since I’ve been home, I’ve been pretending Teddy Bear’s there sleeping with me before we have a little fun. Something that I know wouldn’t be anywhere near as good in real life as it is in my imagination because in my imagination I can’t feel her movements or smell her breath. And if she talks in her sleep, I can’t hear it! You know how it is, fantasy’s usually better than reality.

Once again, I know some people would call me selfish, weird, abnormal, etc., but I just don’t want to sleep with him or have sex with him as much as I love him. Living with him is wonderful, but I just can’t see us bedmates or sexmates ever again.

The thought of getting it on with Teddy Bear both excites me and makes me wonder. Will I be too self-conscious being with someone who I’ve never been attracted to before to this degree? What if I don’t please her? What if she finds me boring and predictable like I was getting to find sex with Tom to be?

I know these are silly worries and that I shouldn’t assume much since I don’t even know for sure that we will end up in bed together.

Then again, I do. I just do. I don’t know how I do, but I do. It was meant to be and somehow I know this. We go like hand in glove personality-wise, and I think the lust end of it will be the same.

How long will I know her, I wonder. What will it really be like for sure? There’s so much that could go well, so much that could go not so well.

How will Tom react to it all? Not anything like he did when Kim, Phil and Alex were here, I hope! I don’t need that shit. I don’t need no guilt trips put on me. Especially after I told him up front about Teddy Bear.

Teddy Bear, what will you think of me? Will you want me even more? Or will you be indifferent as to whether or not I’m in your life? Are you hoping I’ll write in a couple of months? Or do you not care either way?

So many questions! Is she still single? My vibes say she is. I think she’s waiting for me, in a sense. Especially if we really are meant to be. We were connected the way we were for a reason and I look forward to finding out exactly what those reasons entail. Especially if they’re good ones.

Will she really mind how far out we live? Will she move closer to me? Will she like the sex we have? Still be attracted to me? Will she still like me as a person, or will she decide I’m too different or something? Is she really the independent, non-possessive type she seems to be? Or will she fall so deeply in love with me, wanting me to move in with her?

Been having lots of fun playing with that hair twister. Yesterday I just played around with it for practice, but now that I’m pretty good at it and find that it’s really not that hard to use - it’s just a matter of judging how thick to make the strands of hairs for the beads to clamp around comfortably - I styled it nicely on and off today. It’d take a couple of hours to do it all at once, so I worked on it on and off throughout the day. I gathered it into two ponytails, then twisted about a dozen strands on each side, putting a couple of beads on each strand. One at the end, one in the middle. They’re plastic beads that open and clip right on. There are 6 colors - red, pink, green, yellow, orange and purple.

The cheeks asked Tom again if he was still working graves. I know he’s coming this week. He’s been on a 2 to 3-week streak lately. I’d still love to report with Teddy Bear or have him pop in here when she’s here. In uniform, too. I’d love to see the look on his face. Once I see her, maybe I should say ‘yes’ when he asks if I’ve had any police contact, since that’s one of the questions he pops when I see him. He asks about that, drugs, alcohol, or if there have been any changes (meds, address, work, phone).

Also, there was obviously a big case going on cuz there were two prisoners there who were cuffed and shackled. They were in orange, and with this being Maricopa, they probably came from Florence.

Just 59 days till I can send Teddy Bear’s letter! Oh, Teddy Bear, please get it! And please call me!

Anyway, today was a busy, yet fun day. After reporting, we zipped across the street to Circle K. After one solid week of miraculously having no more than 1000 cals a day, and weighing in at 118 pounds, I grabbed a pack of gum and a candy bar towards my weekly day off from dieting. The lady at the register liked my shiny blue nails and asked where we were heading, informing us of a cheaper place to gas up.

So we took our snacks and headed for Chandler. There we went to Walgreens where I got some goodies. He only got a dozen or so packets of seeds for the prairie dogs. When is he ever going to plant these things? I wonder. Guess it’s been too cold, though it is warming up little by little.

For $20, I got this hair twister that we’ve seen advertised on TV. It doesn’t braid the hair, but it twists it. You take 3 tiny strands and clip them in the twister. Then the twister twists each individual strand before it twists all 3 of them together. It comes with little clear rubber bands and 60 glow-in-the-dark beads. It’s really cool, but takes some getting used to. I’m learning, though. It sure beats that Hairdini thing Ma got me for Christmas. That thing was impossible!

I also got 3 more chrome nail polish colors - gold, lavender, and carnelian (cranberry).

Got a package of 3 lip glosses - Rocky Moon Candy, Red Licorice, and Berry Heavenly.

Lastly, for just $10 total, I got these really cool flower vases. A small bushel of flowers in a clear vase in clear epoxy, making it look like they’re in water. I got a bundle of lavender daisies and a bundle of reddish-orange flowers with yellow.

At the office supply store, I got colorful paper, as well as a bundle of paper with colorful balloons.

Got a packet of pens for scribbling notes. The kind that was my favorite when I used to do journals by hand.

Got a packet of two small pairs of scissors too, then we spent another nickel on the freeloaders to get the money order photocopied.

After grabbing some pork fried rice at a Chinese take-out, and after he grabbed something from McDonald’s, we went to Petco. There I saw a female jumbo rat that looks a lot like Houdini, only with more white on her belly. Well, I’ve been curious to see what a female rat’s behavior’s like (I hear they’re supposed to be more mellow) and I’ve wanted a jumbo size one, too. To top it off, I’m going to get breeding experience with rats because she’s pregnant! I’ve been calling her Lady Bud so far. She’s a bit timid but hasn’t shown any signs of aggression.

She’s about ¾ the size of the guys right now. Not nearly full grown. I doubt she’ll have many babies. According to our research, rats have an average of 12 babies per litter! Surprisingly, they only carry for 3 weeks just like mice do. Just 36 hours after giving birth, they’re in heat again. The babies need to stay with their mother for 3 weeks, then separated at 6 weeks. At just 3 weeks the balls are down on the males, so it sounds like sexing rats will be easier than mice.

I guess we’re gonna have to get or make another cage so they don’t keep breeding continuously.

Anyway, because I had my appointment, we didn’t get her right away. Instead, I nearly stole a water bottle. I walked out with it without even thinking about it. He went back in and paid for it, saying he knows all too well how we get so severely punished for the pettiest things, that it makes no sense to go and tempt fate.

We got the rat after seeing the doctor in Mesa, and as usual, a two-minute procedure had to take an hour. We waited 40 minutes out in the loud, crowded waiting room and then 20 more in the exam room.

I see that parents are still on the opposite end of the pole which they were on when I was a kid as far as discipline goes. The screaming kids were totally out of control, throwing and banging things while their mothers acted deaf, dumb and blind.

After leaving the doctor’s, we went to the grocery store, but we only grabbed a few things. Tom will do the regular run tomorrow.

There was a balloon sitting outside the doctor’s office when we left so I took it. Being the super windy day that it was, I let it go in the middle of our land. It gained altitude rather quickly and was miles away in seconds, becoming just a spec in the sky that was completely invisible in just two minutes.

I just tried calling Paula twice and got her machine. She was supposed to be sentenced yesterday. Is she in jail? If so, for how long? Hopefully, I’ll find out soon. She probably is in jail, though, for there to be no answer at this time, unless she turned her ringer off.