There’s this thing out now called D-Snore. It’s supposed to work well with snorers like Tom, but I don’t know. That doesn’t mean his movements still won’t wake me up, or his talking in his sleep, not to mention the fact that I hate the male scent. My nose is way too strong for someone who stinks, not that he’s unclean or anything. He showers just as regularly as anyone else, but you know, it’s a guy thing. I also don’t appreciate it when he’s facing me, exhaling his sour sleep breath on me, either. I kind of like the privacy too, to go into my own little fantasy world. Ever since I’ve been home, I’ve been pretending Teddy Bear’s there sleeping with me before we have a little fun. Something that I know wouldn’t be anywhere near as good in real life as it is in my imagination because in my imagination I can’t feel her movements or smell her breath. And if she talks in her sleep, I can’t hear it! You know how it is, fantasy’s usually better than reality.

Once again, I know some people would call me selfish, weird, abnormal, etc., but I just don’t want to sleep with him or have sex with him as much as I love him. Living with him is wonderful, but I just can’t see us bedmates or sexmates ever again.

The thought of getting it on with Teddy Bear both excites me and makes me wonder. Will I be too self-conscious being with someone who I’ve never been attracted to before to this degree? What if I don’t please her? What if she finds me boring and predictable like I was getting to find sex with Tom to be?

I know these are silly worries and that I shouldn’t assume much since I don’t even know for sure that we will end up in bed together.

Then again, I do. I just do. I don’t know how I do, but I do. It was meant to be and somehow I know this. We go like hand in glove personality-wise, and I think the lust end of it will be the same.

How long will I know her, I wonder. What will it really be like for sure? There’s so much that could go well, so much that could go not so well.

How will Tom react to it all? Not anything like he did when Kim, Phil and Alex were here, I hope! I don’t need that shit. I don’t need no guilt trips put on me. Especially after I told him up front about Teddy Bear.

Teddy Bear, what will you think of me? Will you want me even more? Or will you be indifferent as to whether or not I’m in your life? Are you hoping I’ll write in a couple of months? Or do you not care either way?

So many questions! Is she still single? My vibes say she is. I think she’s waiting for me, in a sense. Especially if we really are meant to be. We were connected the way we were for a reason and I look forward to finding out exactly what those reasons entail. Especially if they’re good ones.

Will she really mind how far out we live? Will she move closer to me? Will she like the sex we have? Still be attracted to me? Will she still like me as a person, or will she decide I’m too different or something? Is she really the independent, non-possessive type she seems to be? Or will she fall so deeply in love with me, wanting me to move in with her?

Been having lots of fun playing with that hair twister. Yesterday I just played around with it for practice, but now that I’m pretty good at it and find that it’s really not that hard to use - it’s just a matter of judging how thick to make the strands of hairs for the beads to clamp around comfortably - I styled it nicely on and off today. It’d take a couple of hours to do it all at once, so I worked on it on and off throughout the day. I gathered it into two ponytails, then twisted about a dozen strands on each side, putting a couple of beads on each strand. One at the end, one in the middle. They’re plastic beads that open and clip right on. There are 6 colors - red, pink, green, yellow, orange and purple.

The cheeks asked Tom again if he was still working graves. I know he’s coming this week. He’s been on a 2 to 3-week streak lately. I’d still love to report with Teddy Bear or have him pop in here when she’s here. In uniform, too. I’d love to see the look on his face. Once I see her, maybe I should say ‘yes’ when he asks if I’ve had any police contact, since that’s one of the questions he pops when I see him. He asks about that, drugs, alcohol, or if there have been any changes (meds, address, work, phone).

Also, there was obviously a big case going on cuz there were two prisoners there who were cuffed and shackled. They were in orange, and with this being Maricopa, they probably came from Florence.