Tomorrow’s MLK Day. As I told Tom, I’d like to know why the murder of this guy - one he basically asked for - means I can’t get my mail tomorrow. He said it’s not to remind people that they finally got their rights but to remind people that they once didn’t have any.

But we don’t need any reminders of how they once had no rights and now have more rights than we do. They do a good enough job reminding us of the past themselves every single day of each year. When are gays gonna have a day to remind folks that they still don’t have any rights and probably never will??? In 1000 years from now the blacks will still be rubbing the past in our faces and using it as a crutch and a weapon against us.

I finally got a letter from Mary. She said she’s sorry she hasn’t written, but she’s been so busy. I was like, how can you be so busy in jail? But as she says, she’s been meditating for 10 hours a day (damn!), exercising, writing, etc. Other than that she says she’s doing well, wished me a happy belated birthday and New Year, and said she was sorry we lost Blondie but is glad we’re happy with Tinkerbell.

We sort of had sex yesterday, if you want to call me giving him a cumless hand job sex. It just seemed like an awful lot of work for a hard-on, but cumming is not something I want him doing these days anyway, and again, it’s not just an age thing with him, but a choice, as far as I can tell. As for me cumming, I don’t know if I want to do that if I could. I mean, sure I could if he went down on me. But despite the fact that I don’t want him cumming as opposed to 10 years ago, I don’t want to be the man all over again. I was the man where sex was concerned and that made me feel really weird being the only one getting off and all that. That’s just not real life. I’m not saying there aren’t other couples where the woman gets off and the guy doesn’t, it just seems too abnormal and so odd. I think there are more people born without an ear like I was than there are couples like that.

Anyway, he talks of us slowly getting into it and sticking to it and all that, and I’m like, yeah whatever. I mean, sure I love the closeness, but I just don’t feel the excitement I once did. I think part of it’s age and part of it’s that it’s just far from new. It’s very common for one to lose lust for their partner after a year or so, no matter how much they’ve come to love them and don’t see them as this ugly creature from hell. What I really enjoy is just lying together and chatting. At the same time, I sure felt like a fat, ugly, unwanted person when we weren’t having sex, despite the fact that I never doubted his love for me.

I was thinking that I may one day get some sex toys for added variety and enhancement. These days these things can be ordered online. No need to order from catalogs, not that we’ve been getting any such catalogs in years. They have a few that seem interesting from what I saw on one of the sites. Besides your typical bullet vibrator for the clit, they have this thong with a vibrator to buzz her clit while screwing and beads that run alongside the opening for added stimulation for the guy. They also have one that stimulates the G-spot as well as the clit. G-spot orgasms are said to be very different than the typical clitoral orgasms and they’re supposedly very intense. I’ve always been kind of curious about it, so maybe I’ll get something for that. It’s not a high priority right now, though.

They comment at work that Tom smells so good. He explained my obsession with burning oils. Yes, all my sticks are gone, thank God. They really made a mess and they made me a bit congested, too.