Tomorrow we’ll have been in this house for a year. It’s been an incredible year, too! However, I’m starting to think we’re just being teased, as is usually the case when it comes to serious money where the horseracing thing is concerned. Tom’s still optimistic, but that’s just Tom for you, always optimistic, sometimes even when it’s more than obvious to the rest of the world that there’s no logical reason he should be. He said it’d take months and that it’s always looking promising, and while I’m glad it’s making at least a small profit rather than losing, I’m really starting to believe the joke’s on us. Again. This means we could easily be broke throughout most of our lives as I thought would be the case, and that we’re back to square one and with the same old questions – how long will we be stuck in Oregon? How long will we have to live with these fucking stereos, dogs and other shit till we can get into a retirement community? Who will help us when we’re old since we probably won’t have the money to hire anyone to take care of us?

The biggest discouragement is knowing that since before I was old enough to know about the DES, the effects of all the damn drugs they had me on could cause, etc., I was sterile. Or that it at least wasn’t in my cards to conceive. How could I know that practically all my life and be right about it despite Tom’s appointing himself to play designated birth controller, but be wrong about facing poverty so much of the time?

Another discouraging thing is how badly something up there obviously wants us in the mainstream by pulling us out of rural areas and trapping us in cities, something in which money would change.