Last night I dreamt I was living in California and working as a part-time extra in movies or shows. Now that sounds like it ought to be a fun job! I’m not a fan of anybody’s these days and I haven’t been since Charlie’s Angels, but it would be neat to get behind the scenes to see what it’s like. One of the good things about being an extra is that they don’t fire you if you can’t make it to a particular shooting, they just pull the next name on the list. I thought it might be nice to look for ads in the Sacramento area, but since when has God ever let me do what I want to do?

I was an alternate winner at the Incense Rack this month. The 3rd prize winner didn’t respond in time, said the stickman, who’s currently down in Florida and doesn’t plan to return till around the 9th. They probably felt that paying $5 to ship 50 sticks of incense wasn’t worth it, but I’d like to have some of my old favorites like Angel, Bump & Grind and Hugo Boss. Hopefully, he won’t be out of stock on these, but I gave him Cotton Candy, Chocolate and Black Henry to use as backups just in case.

The last of my Silk Splash order – I hope it’s the last of it – is on its way via UPS. Guess they’re really starting to try to save money! This won’t be here till the 5th, but the big Nikita doll should be here in two days. So there are to be 6 more packages in this damn state, excluding surprise wins. Two more incense packages, two more dolls, that thing to debark dogs which will hopefully be effective in California (although if we’re in an apt. dogs shouldn’t be an issue unless the building’s up against the yard of a house), and Claritin. Yes, I was pleased to discover that drugstore.com will deliver to Oregon! Since the government likes to tell people what they can and cannot put in their bodies, I did some research and found that we could order it from them. It’s actually the Claritin-D I’m after. I’m 134 pounds so this should snuff my appetite enough to let me get some of this bulk off. I’ll put it right back on, but it’ll be nice to have even a temporary break. I’m still not ready to just give up rocking and let myself go.

I’m trying a new experiment which seems to be working well so far. Since oil burners give off too much smoke and warmers are a pain because you’ve got to remember to keep the water level up, I’ve taken a warmer for a Glade-scented cartridge and shoved a cotton ball in it that I doused with watermelon oil. I plugged it in in the living room since I’m burning incense in the bedroom. It’ll be interesting to see if it works well with a milder scent that’s not concentrated and to see how long it lasts. This would be an awesome way to scent the rooms if this works!

Here goes Kim getting ready to head out to work. Sounds like she’s scraping ice off her car. At least she’s not playing music. In fact, I haven’t heard her music in a while.

We’ve canceled our DVD subscription to save a little extra money.

I just want to get the hell out of here! I’m so excited to move on and get where it’s warmer, but I dread having to experience the poverty and the chaos all over again, and I’m sick to death of starting over! Always, always starting over. But it’s so in our cards and it’s never going to change, so I may as well accept it. Meanwhile, my surprisingly naïve husband still thinks we’re going to get rich. If so, where’s the money? I still haven’t seen any yet.

I thought of another thing that’s going to suck about going back to apartments. They don’t have “apartment buildings” in the west, they’re all complexes here, and there’s always something going on. Landscaping, roofing, painting. They’re noisy even when the neighbors aren’t.

Tom’s so fed up at work that he’s getting ready to quit. Last week they used him for free overtime. Because it was a holiday week, they were able to work him overtime without having to pay him extra. It’s like he was back at BOA, working overtime for free!

Later…

I wish I didn’t have so many worries clouding my excitement of moving to California, but I just know God’s going to take the opportunity once we’re vulnerable to really fuck us over good. I am not looking forward to being jobless and homeless again! But we both agree we don’t want to stay here either. I couldn’t resent God anymore if I tried for allowing others to live so well while we struggle most of our lives to live like bums. What did we do to be less deserving? I commented to Tom how I wished we could stay at the same place for as long as Miss Perfect and the queen have been at their places, and he said that he’s not sure about Miss Perfect, but the queen hated her old house from day one, and that she chose to settle for being miserable in order to have the stability and security I wish we had.

It’s rather sad to know that our only choices in life are to keep hopelessly struggling to live where we want to live which certainly isn’t meant to be or to just learn to be “comfortably miserable.” But these are our only choices. Therefore, since we have virtually no chance of losing a place the more we hate it, I’m going to let God demote us in life and kick us back into the past for the millionth time by having our only choice be to live with others again. But this time, once we’re in an apartment, we’re going to stay there even if by some chance we do one day have money again where we could rent a house. If God wants me to be miserable and if my life can’t be mine, fine, I’ll just stay cooped up in an apartment and listen to the stomping, banging and music around me, on top of the screaming, the landscaping, and all the projects going on within the complex. I’ll let them wake me up and I’ll deal with them banging on the door, but in the end, I’ll know one thing – we couldn’t end up homeless and starving this way! An apartment is our only hope of security since we can’t own anything. So while we may never be free of mortgage payments, at least we won’t have to worry about losing a wild apartment.

Speaking of starving, I’m tempted to forget about ordering the Claritin. I think that maybe if I’m going to try to adapt to living in cheap rowdy apartments, I should also stop trying to stop gaining weight. Just when I think my metabolism can’t get any slower, it does. I haven’t been going crazy for a couple of weeks, I’ve been exercising, yet I’m still climbing. Slowly, but surely. I’m 135, and again I have to ask myself if losing weight is worth it if it’s just going to come right back. I still may get the Claritin, though, to help when the money runs out and we can’t afford to eat. I still say they’re going to start him at $7 or $8, but Mr. Naïvely Optimistic here thinks they’ll start him at around $10.

I may not even go to the dentist when and if that’s possible. Part of learning to live poorly means I shouldn’t be taking advantage of things like that.

If only I were deaf! That would be half the battle right there. I could be a city girl in the dumpiest of apartments forever, though I would still feel the vibrations of doors slamming and shit like that. Oh well. If there’s any good to people being the selfish, disrespectful, loud, rude assholes they are it’s that I don’t have to worry about being quiet for people who have no concept of the word in the first place. I simply couldn’t respect those who didn’t respect me, though I’d have to be quiet when Tom was asleep.

It just really depresses me to know that the rest of my life is basically going to be one big settlement just like it always has. I try not to think about it. If I do, I may end up bawling my eyes out and that’s what God wants; to see me hurting. Well, I’m not about to give the bastard the satisfaction of seeing me break down in tears! I know what’s coming to us, there’s nothing we can do about it, so we may as well accept it.

Strange how it’s so easy to get into places we hate, but virtually impossible to get into places we want to be in. Shoot someone on the street and you’re in jail in an instant. But try to get back into a modest house on some acreage, and you’re asking for a miracle!

Saying that I’m not going to let the freeloaders scare me from speaking my mind may be easier said than done. When I remember how Andrea at the Vista reacted to the complaint about her 16 wild siblings, and how it only made her go from bad to worse, I wonder if perhaps we should just sit back and take whatever shit people dish at us. People are just too damn sensitive, immature and such sore losers.

Even if they did have stereo ordinances, what good would they do? You can’t complain about the ones that drive by every few minutes, just the ones sitting around, and those are the types of people who are bound to react the worst. Those are some of the most defiant little fucks on earth. The only way to curb the stereo problem would be to stop selling the damn things in the first place and make them illegal to own, but in our twisted and totally backward society, that’ll never happen.

In better news, I got the Nikita doll. Although she’s a little anorexic, she’s beautiful. She and the mannequins will be the first to go too, once we’re forced to sell things thanks to the “friends and family” God’s blessed us with. For now, I’m going to enjoy her. I like how she’s affixed to her stand which is a white piece of wood. Her party dress is nice and colorful and I like her accessories, too.

Other than the incense, I’m still winning piddly crap. I work so hard to win so little! Maybe if I were lazy God would shower me with all kinds of money. But nah, it’s just not in my cards no matter what I do.

We’ve been having highs in the 30s and we ended up with a foot of snow. What’s even worse is that they’re saying it’s to snow all week. Argh! I can’t wait to move! They say Klamath Falls has never before gotten two snow days in a row, and that it’s caused by the global warming that’s going on. I guess global warming will make cold climates worse and deserts rainier. The ice is melting on a lot of North Pole glaciers, and they’re saying that in about 50 years they may be able to sail across the entire North Pole. But how it will affect more temperate climates like Sacramento remains to be seen. I shouldn’t have 50 years left in this damn world anyway, thank God!

Later…

The Ashton-Drake doll and cat came today. Although she’s way overpriced and a little small, the doll’s beautiful. That is, in heavyset Emme’s outfit. Her outfit was fine except for the dull brown and gray colors that were in it. Now she’s in lavender silk slacks with a matching lace camisole.

The cat and nursing kittens, however, weren’t that impressive so they’re going back. Instead, I’m going to get a 10” black baby doll that’s very realistic looking with micro-rooted hair.

Speaking of blacks, the ones that aren’t made of porcelain or vinyl are pissing me off again. “Virginia apologizes in slavery role,” said the headline. I only skimmed through the article, but I was like, for what role? There’s no one left alive today that made slaves of the fucking assholes! Who apologizes to the gays? I asked Tom. He said they’re about to pass a federal law prohibiting discrimination against gays, but I’ll have to see it to believe it. Either way, isn’t the fact that blacks get more rights apology enough for something that no one alive today had a hand in whatsoever? Hell, the state of Oregon should apologize to us for getting so damn cold! God should apologize to me for simply allowing me to be born to the people I was born to! Or the least He could do is allow us to have money. Nothing could undo what He’s let others do to me or to Tom, so I don’t understand why He can’t at least have the decency to compensate us financially so we can live where we want to live. Haven’t we done it His way long enough?

Someone next door is named Thaddea. UPS accidentally delivered some pricy organic teas they ordered. Since neither of us is interested in them, Tom’s going to reseal the box and give it to the UPS guy when he sees him tomorrow at work so he can get it to them. I just hope he hasn’t given them any of our packages!

Thaddea’s email was on the invoice and I couldn’t resist confusing her by sending her an email saying: How’s the new place? I hear it’s noisy down there. When I talked to him he said there was a dog that barked non-stop across the canal. How are you otherwise? We’re fine. We’ll visit soon.

Then I realized she may have or may get a piece of our mail with my name on it and know who sent it, but oh well. What can she do to me for it? I just hope she doesn’t email me or come over cuz I don’t want Tom to find out about it. He’d be paranoid for life! Hopefully, they won’t make trouble for us, but those that make trouble for us make trouble for themselves as well, so we’ll see.

Anyway, although they sure look Hispanic, and I was pretty sure that was Spanish I heard them speak a couple of times, the name hardly seems Hispanic. Perhaps it’s Indian. Indians and Hispanics tend to look similar, and it would explain why there aren’t 100 people over there or why they haven’t been a constant problem. Besides, not many Mexicans would work as much as they seem to. Either way, I think the only reason God hasn’t used them as instruments of torture against us is that I moved my office and He knows we’re moving soon enough anyway. If we were suddenly the owners of this place with no intention of moving soon, then all would change.

Just when we thought the worst of winter was over, we get slammed with enough snow to make anyone go California dreamin’! There’s a good 4-5 inches out there. It’s been keeping the stereos to a minimum, but not the dog.

Still nothing but piddly wins. Maybe I’ll win something good I can have someday soon enough.

I haven’t been doing anything to lose weight. I work out when I can, but I can’t diet until I can get a hold of something to check the hunger. Maybe someday people will put their energy into figuring out how to weed the calories out of food, rather than what kind of break we can give blacks because their ancestors had it rough.

Today we lost $8. We seem to go back and forth, so I told Tom not to bother reporting to me unless I ask. I’m sick of hearing one day how we could’ve won $900, then hearing the next how we lost $8. And I’m sick of God teasing us!!! But He’s not going to string me along and play with my head anymore on this issue. I know I’m not allowed to have what I want in life and that I must settle, so there’s nothing to tease me with anymore. He can keep us down, but He cannot keep us here in Oregon! That’s for sure. For the millionth time, I’m wondering if I should pray for what I don’t want. It may be meant to be anyway, but it’s the only way I feel like He’s on my side and listening to me. He hears me when I ask for what I don’t want, then goes deaf when I ask for what I do want. So maybe if I prayed for poverty and noisy neighbors and quit trying to fight Him on these issues He so desperately wants me to have to deal with every time I move, He’ll lay off for a while. Tom says moving to California is actually a step up and that there’s no real security here because they’re doing so badly at work, but the company hasn’t folded yet. All I know is that my life isn’t mine to live as I see fit, so maybe it’s time to just resign to that fact and go with the flow. What else can I do anyway?

We’re now shooting for April as far as moving goes. To think that I could be moving to California, something I could only dream of and fantasize about in the past, in less than two months, is pretty mind-boggling!

EFO had a good day today, though we certainly aren’t rich. We would’ve won $900, though, had he bet $24 on each of the 20 or so races that he only bet a buck or two on. He says he needs to discipline himself by waiting until he has $500 from little wins built up before he goes betting big time. Until now, he’d win a little, then try to go for the big bucks and lose what he’d won. I no longer see these potential big wins as encouraging, though. I see them as teases, but I won’t even let God tease me anymore with them. I’m sick of Him teasing us with money, so I’m just going to accept in my mind that we’ll never have money and move on. Meanwhile, Tom still thinks we’ll be rich someday. I still think he should keep at it just because he has so much fun with it, but if by some chance I’m wrong, it won’t be anytime soon. Maybe if we suddenly loved this place and he liked his job and we had no plans to move, then we might win more. But we need money for the move and the more we need money, the less we get it, so we’re going to have to go down with not much more than the Unemployment and hope for the best. At least we’ll have the Unemployment. When we came up here, we not only didn’t have the bamboo, but we didn’t have any income coming in. By the time the RV was bought, we had barely 2 grand left.

The past always comes back to haunt us, so I’m sure we’ll end up in an apartment. While there’s no such thing as a quiet apartment, the good thing about the apartments there, according to Tom’s research, is that you can rent them on a month-to-month basis. They do have 6-month leases too, which is good. I was worried that like with back east (it could’ve changed by now, though) we’d be locked into a place for a whole year. Although it’s more expensive overall, they even have dumps like this for the same price. Since we can’t have our cake and eat it too, meaning a nice place and plenty of extra money, then yeah, I’d still take the dump and the extra money before I took a nice place with nothing left for us once the necessities were paid.

As Tom pointed out, if EFO never does any better than it has, even though he thinks it will, and he gets a job at $10 an hour, then it’d be like having a job that’s $13 an hour after you factor in the EFO winnings. This is what he makes right here, too.

We’re going to research to see if God forbid someone may’ve cared enough to have any ordinances on car stereos in Sacramento set into motion because if by chance we have any rights and could do something about it other than killing the assholes playing them, we want to know about it before we go back to having to deal with that shit in the ways we had to in Phoenix. Then that’ll just leave the barking to deal with, but that’s a hell of a lot easier to drown out with fans and music as long as the damn thing’s not literally right against the wall of our place. And I’m not living with basketball hoops again either!

Tom did some checking and was surprised to find it only costs $30 to rent a trailer to move us with, and just $125 to rent a newer, more comfortable, more reliable truck for a few days, too. 300 miles sure beats 1100, but that’s still a long haul for such an old piece of shit. So the mailman may get it after all, though I won’t tell him that till we know for sure. Once we get down there, we could get an old piece of shit right away. So getting there shouldn’t be a problem, it’s surviving there that I’m worried about. How can I not be paranoid after what happened when we first came here to Oregon? Yet this time around we’ll be armed with something we didn’t have when we came up here and that’s the bamboos. Even Tom agrees we probably wouldn’t have fared so badly had we had them upon coming up here.

So while the horseracing thing is still proving to be the bust I knew it’d be in November, I do at least have that Nikita doll on her way! The seller did come through after all, and we both agreed that for the sake of our reputation on eBay, I should buy it like I said I would as soon as it was listed. So Jade will get her packing box after all as well since I figured the outer or inner box would be ideal to move her in. Jade’s 32” and Nikita’s 33”.

I checked and saw that they jacked their 10-packs up a quarter to 75¢. Tom thinks they may still have trouble, but we’ll see.

Got 20 more packs of incense today in which the mailman left two rubber bands around, along with the other mail. This is because I thanked him for all the rubber bands in my little note to him, saying how they’ll help with packing and moving. Anyway, two of the bags didn’t have labels on them so I have no idea what they are. I’ve been getting so carried away having fun with trying out all the new smells that my lungs have been tight lately. Especially since I’m in a smaller room. I’ve been making a point of leaving the doors open to air it out a bit, but being such a tiny house, it doesn’t have much space to branch out in and then it only bothers Tom.

Later…

And they just keep on fucking up. But at least this time it’s in my favor! Kepa said I could consider those blank bags extras as he didn’t remember any unlabeled bags. Then he asked me for a list of the labeled ones I got so he could cross-reference them with the list of the ones sent for that day. He was then able to tell me what they were and said he’d send more with the labels they had there. There goes another buck on his part!

I told him we were moving to California in a few months and that was why I did such a big order. I didn’t want to just try new scents but to stock up as I expect to be broke for a while. I also told him I understood if he wanted to cringe every time he saw an email from me, but that once I got settled down there, I’d order more often, but in smaller quantities. He replied by saying that it’s okay, it only teaches them that they have to account for things like this, he’s just worried I feel I had to wait so long, etc. I told him I’ve had to wait longer before for other things, and that it was good that he broke the order up. I know he may’ve lost money on it, but this way I could have fun sampling some and look forward to knowing more was on its way, etc.

Anyway, in both good and bad dog news – the dog in front hasn’t been around, so that’s good. But the canal dog has been a nightmare. I can’t even stand to be in the kitchen! I can’t cook in peace, I can’t eat in peace, I can’t wash dishes in peace, I can’t even put the damn groceries away in peace! Every few minutes off it goes on a barking fit. How in the world can the owners and people who are even closer to the fucking thing stand it??? It’s insane!

The racing’s going just okay, though he’s been trying different things with the way he places bets, programs, codes, etc. He even thinks my spell is working and that it’s just taking effect very slowly like the one we did at the duplex. Well, I’m not yet convinced about the spell, and as for the racing, I still say it’s going to do okay here and poorly there. It just doesn’t go with what’s been in our cards as of yet; having money. You don’t curse someone financially for so long just to let them one day have a ton of money. We’re not exactly doing too bad right now, but look how we have to live in order to do okay – like a pair of bums in a dive. Never can we have a nice place to go with the money. As much as I hate to give up the security we have here since he hates his job too much to ever be lucky enough to be let go, we both agree that this place sucks. There’d be no benefit in staying other than that we could go shopping regularly. Other than that, it’s too cold, too small, too old, too open, too tilted, too noisy, etc. The only thing I listed that we can’t escape is the noise, but even if I’m right about us struggling like hell once we leave here, can our next place really be this bad? Our best bet is still probably going to be an adults-only trailer park. I don’t like the idea of living in a tin can where I can’t sing without an audience, and that lets sound in like not even this place can since there’ll still be barking and music, but as always, God will decide for us where we should go. Not us.

Today Andy would be 45 years old. I wonder if he still looks younger. I wonder if he’s still even in Arizona, and if so, is he still alone and flitting from one meaningless job to another? Is he still a pothead? If he is and if he’s in Arizona, I hope to hell he never gets caught!

The shitheads next door just surprised me by leaving quietly. I’m amazed. Let’s hope they keep it up.

Tom just got in and drained the cooler we’ve been using. He’s been buying blocks of ice and they last a surprisingly long time. This way we can get refrigerated/frozen stuff.

Randy, the mailman, left a note asking if we plan to sell our truck, and if so, let him know. I’m not catching him as much anymore now that my office is in the bedroom and I can’t see out the window, but I’ll leave a note letting him know that if we do sell it before we move this summer, we’ll let him know.

The Mexicans traded in the old white pickup for a nice new dark green SUV to haul the cement mixer with, so we saw on our way back from the store. And I’d bet just about all my stuff just what kind of stereo is in it, too! But they would die for anyone over anything, so even if they knew someone would shoot and kill them over it, they’d keep right up with their shit till they were killed, though we haven’t heard it yet. Another month or two and I’m sure they’ll be a nightmare. Then in a month or two after that, we can trade them in for a new nightmare where it’s nice and warm.

One of them was on his way up this street as we got onto it. I knew it would go next door, and it did. It entered the side door, and some chick was out front smoking yesterday.

Yesterday, Todd, the FedEx driver, waved to us as we were going to the pizza place, a place we hadn’t been to in a long time. Then he dropped a package off at the house for the boss and Tom took it in to him. Guess he had too many packages to deliver. You know you live in a small town when a driver drops off your boss’ package!

Speaking of packages, I’ve got a package on its way to me today, then the final one ships tomorrow, or so they say. No wonder they’ve got to up their prices. That’s 5 packages and no doubt more than what we paid for shipping! Tom’s probably right when he says they’re probably sorry I’m the charter member with how much money I’ve lost them.

Tom says he’s still 99% sure he can make a few hundred a day if he continues to develop his program, though he does admit that if it’s not happening by June when we go to leave, then it’s not gonna happen. I’ve known since November that this thing is just going to make a few bucks here and take a few bucks there. Of course, it would help if the stormy weather could lay off and the horses could quit breaking their legs, but I just can’t see any real money in this thing. It totally goes against God’s plans for us to struggle like a pair of bums throughout most of life, living where we don’t want to live. You don’t trap someone in places like Brattleboro, Valleyhead, jail, most of the apartments I had, or the Phoenix house because you like to see them be where they want to be.

I start to get excited about getting away from the fucking canal dog after living with it for what will be nearly two years, but why bother? I’ll just be going to live with another one down there. At least it will be warm most of the time! I miss being in a newer place where I can wear shorts most of the time. I miss the palms and year-round flowers. Oh, to have more than 600 square feet of levelness! I dread the noise, the giant spiders, and what health problems that lay ahead for me, but the risk will be worth it. I’m getting sicker and sicker of this house by the minute, and the whole damn state!

I haven’t been in the mood to do any writing, so I’ve been bored. I wish I could find more things to do! Guess I’ll go read for now.

Safeway’s no longer the fun adventure it used to be with Liz gone. Or at least we think she’s gone since Tom hasn’t seen her. I guess if she can go from not seeming to be pregnant at all, to seeming 5 months pregnant the next day, then to 8 the next, according to when Tom last saw her, then why not jump to having had it already? Maybe there are 4 Lizs! So much for trying to do any more spells on her! Poor girl, to have her life be over at just 25 years of age. Then again, we both agree it was hard to judge her age. Her appearance suggested she was around 25, but her personality and the way she talked suggested she could be a bit older, though I can’t believe she’s over 30. For her sake, I just hope her man sticks by her.

Since the Nikita seller is obviously not reliable and not likely to come through for me, I had to choose between a couple of Ashton-Drake items, Barbies, Tonners, or this beautiful Asian mannequin up for sale on eBay, and in the end, I chose the Ash items. All but one of the Tonners I currently want aren’t available yet, and I’d rather wait longer and pay twice as much for those lingerie mannequins that are super nice. So I’m getting an Indian doll that lies on her side, propped up on one elbow that measures 15” long. I’m also getting a black and white “breathing, purring” cat with 3 kitties. This will be my last treat for who knows how many years, thanks to our lovely God who’s no doubt going to jump at the opportunity to kick us down hard and long as soon as we move.

God’s little bum just signing in, wanting to say that my resentment for Him only deepens. He has us reduced to not only doing without a refrigerator but not being able to use the microwave when both portable heaters and computers are running, thanks to the ancient electrical wiring in this dive which Tom thinks was actually built in the 20s, not the 40s. But every now and then I forget to turn off the heater before zapping something, so I had to go out through the cold and the mud and hit the fuse button earlier. I had Tom show me where it was so I wouldn’t have to wake him up. This is just what we need this late in life, huh?! Never can get ahead. Just never can fucking get ahead! And when we start to, we get kicked back. What’s the bastard want me to say? Something like, “Fine, I’ll be your little bum by not bothering with the microwave either so I don’t have to have the hassles of setting clocks and having my computers reboot. I’ll wash my clothes in the tub, I’ll eat cheap shit, I’ll put my own self in pain somehow on days that You don’t, I’ll do things I don’t want to do, I’ll find the dumpiest, noisiest dive available in Sacramento (not that this one would be any challenge), etc.” Maybe if I did do all of this He’d lay off me for a change, or just maybe I would be rewarded in the afterlife because there sure as hell won’t be any compensation in this life!

Liz has been gone and so has next door. Yet it doesn’t seem like they’ve moved because the window coverings are still up. What, are we going to have to go through yet another turnover before we move, or what? Could they have moved to a place where they can play music without anyone bitching about it? I can’t believe they’d move over that. If they have moved, then because it was so soon after moving in, it’s gotta be because they got in trouble as most freeloaders do. And this is Oregon, so if they fucked over any white folks, they’re not going to get away with it that easily.

Kepa said my 4th and final package was to be mailed out tomorrow, he’s sorry for the delay and that even though the prices are based on my suggestion, they may have to raise the prices or unit sizes due to the labor involved, and they simply don’t have all their 1500 scents soaking at once. The company’s not as big as I originally thought it was, but as I told him, I understand, and he’ll always have a customer in me. To get such a big order in less than a month sure beats the two months it’d take Incense Galore to send me small orders! I’m glad they broke it up into multiple mailings as I was running out of incense when the first batch arrived. I told him the only things I’d change are to continue enlarging the fonts, keep the outsides of the bags free of oils, so they don’t stick to other bags and pull the writing off, and watch the count. Some bags were short a stick or two. Meanwhile, I love his service and products. He asked how many were short, and I told him I hadn’t kept track, but maybe 20-30 bags were short, and that some of the sticks sometimes still go out, but they’re usually fine once I relight them. I also like how he has no order minimum requirement, and explained that I got such a big order because we’re moving out of state soon, which will no doubt leave us broke for a while. Lastly, I still have about 500 or so scents I want to try, but then my orders won’t be so big as I’ll have a ‘favorites’ list. I may then order in larger quantities, but not as many different items.

Tom hasn’t been able to do any races because of bad weather. Funny how there’s always something.

With the exception of that $200 he won, EFO is still proving to be TUT. I keep thinking that God better compensate me for all the shit I’ve gone through! And Tom too, but I know He won’t. The last thing God cares about is seeing that Tom and Jodi get rich. God doesn’t always compensate. He’s often cruel and unfair, period. So with this in mind, all I can do is hope the transition to Sacramento goes a hell of a lot smoother than the move up here did, but I know it’ll be rough sailing. Long-distance moves always are unless you have money. The move to Deerfield, Norwich, Phoenix, Maricopa, then finally to Oregon, all left me/us broke. Each move took us a year or more to get on our feet, and of course, we never quite made it in Maricopa.

I’ll at least hope we don’t lose everything when we do get down there, and that we won’t have to suffer in the mainstream of chaos and antics for more than 5 years. I’m also hoping that if we can’t have an out-of-the-way house before he’s 55, we’ll at least be able to rent something in a retirement community. We may still get dogs and car doors there, but that’d eliminate things like music, and houses having basketball hoops with animals slamming balls outside our windows for 5 hours at a time. Of course, I still say the freeloading sickos coaxed their animals into doing that for my account, but the point’s still the same. What’s also the same is that life isn’t about getting what I want, so I assume these are just dreams. Life really, really isn’t what I want in both big and small ways. Of the many books and DVDs I’ve won, for example, not one of them was any of the ones I wanted! So I sure am welcome to live wherever I don’t want to live, that’s for sure.

I totally resent God more and more for making us live like this. We may’ve chosen this dump of a house so we could have extra money, but we shouldn’t have to live like bums in order to do so at our ages. I totally feel picked on and singled out while everyone else in our families gets to live in their nice houses and drive their fancy cars. What the fuck makes them so much better and deserving than us? I’m tired of being God’s little bum!

I just wish Tom would quit being so naïve where this program’s concerned. It’s simply not going to make more than a few bucks a day if even that. He had made $35 on Saturday, then lost it Sunday due to two horses breaking legs. Horses break legs all the time in racing, so I don’t see how he expects to make more than just a few scattered bucks here and there with an occasional 100-to-200-dollar winner, just like with scratch tickets. If it is going to pay off more, and that’s a big if, then it’s not going to be anytime soon. Certainly not before June.

I left Kim some incense I didn’t like. Although it hasn’t woken me up yet, I’m getting tired of having to hear her music when she comes and goes, which is getting to be more often lately. Where did this come from? She went over a year without music, and now it’s a common occurrence with her. Is it because she hears mine? Does she figure there’s nothing I could do about it being 150 pounds lighter? Does she figure we’re cool enough with each other that I wouldn’t care? Well, as long as it doesn’t get any louder I won’t care. I’m a bit concerned, however, that as the weather warms up, she won’t have sense enough to turn it down when she’s got her windows open.

The bad news is that we’re in for the second round of snow since returning from the cruise, and lower highs. They’ll be in the 30s and 40s rather than the 50s, but the good is that the lows won’t be down in the teens. That really makes the nights really uncomfortable when they are! It’ll be hitting down into the 20s and 30s instead.

We’ve been noticing a surprising pattern with next door and that’s that they seem to take off during the weekends. I can’t imagine where it is they go, I’m just shocked they haven’t been a problem. I’m also shocked I haven’t seen any kids over there. Maybe they’d have turned out to be a problem had I kept my office in the living room, and maybe Kim’s getting a little more musical lately because I moved it onto her driveway. She’s just the type to play loud music, too. She’s young and no doubt lonely, destined to be alone forever as big as she is. Anyway, we’ll see how next door is when it warms up, as in the 60s and 70s.

Nothing but piddly wins lately, but at least those don’t give us any headaches.

What a little klepto this rat is! I was searching for the DVD list I left by the door only to find that the furry little thief had dragged it into her cage.

It’s now that time of month when I get several emails congratulating me for other people’s wins. This is totally offensive, too!

I’m going to leave some of the incense I don’t like by Kim’s door early this morning before she gets in from work. Still having fun with all the scents, deciding what should go on my list of favorites and what shouldn’t.

I did hear from the Nikita seller after all. She said she’s out of town but plans to list her next week. At $25 more than I thought she would, but it’s still a good deal. I’ve been wanting this doll for 3 years.