It’s a gorgeous day out there today and the city’s assholes are doing all they can to ruin it and spoil the peace. And it’s not even 1:00 yet! Between 2:30-8:30, it’ll be at its worst. I wish some people would start shooting some of these assholes! Maybe that’d scare them into shutting up. Then again, these are the kinds of people that don’t take their lives very seriously to begin with. Meaning, just like with the freeloaders, they’d be very happy to die for their little attention cause, their sole purpose for living as far as they’re concerned. France has made it illegal to sell anything over a certain volume. I don’t agree with their limiting volumes in headphones, but speakers should be limited everywhere. Tom did some research and found that some towns are taking steps towards curbing the problem, but not surprisingly, they’re mostly eastern towns, particularly Florida where it’s touristy. There you can’t play stereos loud enough to be heard 50’ past your car or they’ll take your speakers if they catch you. Sadly, we’re still many years away, if ever, from achieving overall peace from these things or from people leaving their dogs out to bark up a storm.

At least there’s some good news. My doll’s on its way, and Tom found my sleeping disorder online! He came in while I was watching a movie to tell me that he found it by accident and that it’s even got a name. I forgot what it is, but this is no article written by an individual, it’s a diagnosed and documented problem in a medical journal! Tom said that when he read it, it sure sounded like me where a person’s schedule jumps forward an hour or so each day and that they have no inner clock to set, etc. He read the article to me, and not surprisingly, there is no cure, but it does suggest some things I’ve already done to help for when I have appointments or something to do that requires me to be on days, like taking melatonin and B12 supplements.

So then we got to thinking and discussing some ideas. We’ve decided we’re going to go to a sleep clinic down in Sacramento. Surely they’ll have one there while Klamath Falls has probably never even heard of any such thing. We’re going to see if we can get them to diagnose me, then get my disability benefits back. When they kicked me off in ’94 I was elated because all I could think at the time was wow, what a major accomplishment. Not there goes some extra money we could really use. But I’m older now and don’t care what people think. You know that in the past I’d put up with someone telling me gays were sinners, evil, ought to be killed, etc. Today I’d just dump them in a heartbeat. So I don’t care what stigmas go with being on disability. The bottom line is that I truly am disabled and have been all along and we could use the extra money. You know it burns me up to see people getting free money simply for being black or Mexican, while I sit here, truly unable to work outside of the house, and no one gives me shit.

What would be really exciting, though I’m trying not to get my hopes up, would be to not only get back on my benefits, which I estimate would be around $600 a month these days but to get back payments as well. Back when they cut me off when I was 18 simply because I was 18, and when my father got me back on a few years later, I received 6 grand. The question is what exactly is the reason I was put on disability in the first place? The sleep disorder was kept in check as a kid because I had something to motivate me that I don’t have now - a bitch of a mother who’d have gladly torn me apart limb by limb if I didn’t get up and get my ass to school, followed by an equally abusive system who’d have done similar. Even so, falling asleep and waking up in the mornings as a kid was always a hardship for me. But when it comes from the mouths of Doe and Art O, it’s hit or miss as to whether or not it’s the truth, so I don’t know the exact story behind the benefits. I’ve heard it’s because of his bad heart, because of my ear, because I was crazy. But as Tom said, either of these would tie into the sleep disorder. They’re all kind of intertwined.

There have been times I thought of bringing it up to a doctor but was afraid I’d get, “You’re just being lazy. You’re spoiled, you’re stubborn. You’ve simply gotten yourself into a bad habit. Just set your alarm clock and get up when it goes off.”

All you really hear about is those with insomnia, but never this. I still don’t think many people are aware of this, but it’s nice to know that I’m not all alone in this situation as I thought I was. It’s the common things people focus more on. Like when a guy can’t rise to the occasion, versus those who can get hard, but not off like Tom. Whether or not part of his problem is age, I really thought he was doing this deliberately for fear of impregnating me, and so many years ago I told him, hey, 80% of the male population doesn’t want kids, so if that’s it, just tell me. But I always thought he was afraid to admit it for fear of me either leaving him or attacking him, till a therapist showed me some literature on it and I read about another case online. They too, could only get off once in a while. And we think this is only a woman’s problem! Besides, the more I got to know Tom, the more I could see he was not your typical male. I wouldn’t have married him if he was. Trust me, he’s not the kind to run from a kid, unwanted or not. He’s the responsible type. He is my one blessing amongst many curses in life. If it wasn’t for his accepting me as I am and supporting me all these years, there’s no way I could’ve survived.

Anyway, I’m truly not alone! Tom said there’s this guy at work whose mom has this problem. How she raised a kid with it is beyond me. This was one of the many reasons I decided having a kid wasn’t a good idea. I just didn’t see how I could be there for it half the time.

As I said, I’m trying not to get too psyched up, but if I could get back payments, that wouldn’t make us rich, but after all these years it could very well buy us a house where we want! I still don’t think God would be that nice to us, or that they’d fail to point out that I never appealed the decision to terminate my benefits in ’94 in the first place. I could argue that I wasn’t as enlightened as I am today and that I didn’t think I stood a chance of proving my case and fighting it, but I don’t know how far that’d get me.

Later...

Glinda arrived. She’s your typical Tonner doll – very nice.

Kim left 10 minutes ago playing her favorite song, though not too loud.

I thought today would be a madhouse since it was nearly 80º, and while it was annoying, it didn’t end up too bad.

Tom said that we could also argue that I was under the care of their doctors, yet they failed to diagnose me back then. Whatever happens is going to take years, and I just fear that it’s yet another tease from God. Is He going to watch me run around like crazy trying to get what’s rightfully mine just to see me fail in the end? I’m 41 years old and I have yet to see Him compensate me for anything or anyone He’s cursed me with.

Tom told his boss we plan to leave and asked how much time would be appropriate before he quit. The boss said to give her a few days to see if she can come up with a replacement and she’d let him know then, but to feel free to leave if this takes too long.

Oh, we will. No doubt about that! I’m glad they didn’t try to bribe him into staying with big bucks. We want money, but we don’t want to be miserable either. He really hates that place. We’re not sure how much notice we’re going to give the rental company. We don’t want to cut it too close and ruin our chances of them being a good reference for us if we need it, but we don’t want to give them enough time to pester me with show-and-tell. Tom can talk to them about that and see what can be worked out.

The ball has begun to roll! This is it, the beginning of the end of Oregon. The beginning of pulling our lifelines from this damn state one by one! I just don’t know if we’ll make it out by the 1st. It may be closer to our anniversary.