The weekend turned out to be a shitty one. Tom’s been sick, so his coughing and sneezing have really disrupted my sleep big time, but it’s now going on just over a week since we’ve had any neighbors! It’s been deader than usual around here, though I’d like to think I can credit Michelle with having something to do with trying to keep people away from us, too.

It also sucks that none of the money I won was at the mail place the last time we were there, plus we had to pay so much to fax and overnight stuff that it left us too broke to gamble and test his new program, and we can’t tell what would’ve happened because you have to pay for the racing results. Now that we have to play “poor bum” again we may have to pawn the TV just to pay the rent at the storage place next week. Story of our lives, just pawning and pawning our lives away! It’s times like this that make me think I’ve been kidding myself by thinking anything up there gives a damn about us or that we’ll ever get ahead. It really, really stunts my faith in God or anything else. It’s like our only choice is to stay here or go where we don’t want to be, and believe me, I’d really rather not be trailer trash any more than a motel bum or having to live in apartments. Why can’t we live where we want?!?! I just don’t understand why year after year we have to live where we’re unhappy. Why aren’t we deserving of a decent home? I’m still trying to figure out why we’re less deserving than anyone else in that department. We’ve got to have done something along the way not to deserve a decent place to live, but what? What??? I would still prefer a trailer over an apartment, but I’d still hate to be cramped into one, and I still say it would be just as noisy as an apartment overall. I also wouldn’t be able to blast my music there either.

When am I going to learn that while I may win things here and there, even if we have to “pay to win,” we’ll never have money or a nice, peaceful home, so it’s best to just accept it and roll with the punches? Some prayers are simply never to be answered, and of those unanswered prayers of mine, they’re definitely the ones about finding a decent place to live, having a faster metabolism or the willpower to cut my calories, and the horseracing thing working out. He doesn’t want us having money or a nice, quiet place to live. Period. I don’t know why, but I know the facts. I might as well only pray for what I think He may grant me and quit wasting His time and mine on the stuff that obviously will never change, though it really bothers me that we can’t get a little more compensation in our lives. Take my schedule curse, for instance. He did this to me. He’s the one who gave it to me. So why couldn’t he at least compensate me with winning the amount of money I can’t work for? Then again, that’s obvious. So we can’t live where we want to. What better way to make someone struggle and keep them from being where they want to be if you make sure they can’t work in the first place?

When the housekeeper comes on Wednesday (hopefully), I’ll see if Michelle’s on that day. If she is I’ll run down with Netwinner’s address and ask her to register and use me as a referral if she’s interested. I agree with Tom, though, that she doesn’t seem like a computer person so much as a lay-around-and-do-nothing-but-watch-TV kind of person, but we’ll see.