Is something trying to keep us from the added protection and good fortune that having a horseshoe over our door can bring? It’s sure starting to feel that way! First I got outbid, and now, thanks to Pay Pal screwing up, the one we bought was sent to Carmichael. We only lost 85¢, but it really sucks that no matter how many times we delete the fucking Carmichael and Klamath addresses from Pay Pal’s account info, they keep using it! I checked with the Stickman, and fortunately, he did send the incense I won to Auburn. Of course, if the damn seller had checked their messages more often, they’d have caught our request to change the address, so now I don’t know what’s going to happen at this point.

Glinda has 13 watchers now and one of the coins got a bid. I wish I could be around for the exciting conclusion tomorrow afternoon, but no, I have to be cursed with a sleep disorder which means I’ll be asleep at that time. I’m on nights now. The good in it is that it means less barking to have to deal with.

Tom was telling me about someone with a sleep disorder that killed them and that makes mine seem like a blessing in comparison as hard as it is to live with. I forgot to write about this long ago, but back up in Oregon, Tom not only worked with a guy whose mother had the same kind of sleep disorder I do (how could she raise a child with it?) but this guy’s wife was killed by hers. She had this disorder that would cause her to spontaneously fall asleep at any given time. I said, “Wow, how can anyone do that?” and Tom said, “Well, it’s hard to understand just like people don’t understand yours.” Anyway, a doctor gave her a medication that they assured her would keep her from falling asleep at the wheel, yet one day she was driving, fell asleep, her car drifted off the side of the road, and she died.

Why do people put so much faith in doctors, lawyers, cops and religious leaders? So many of them are so damn incompetent, corrupt and even downright insane!

Anyway, I wonder if Dr. Donoghue had that (that shrink I saw at his home back in the late 80s). He would often fall asleep in his plush chair as I was talking. I didn’t think I was that boring! I wrote it off as being old and ill. Perhaps even a side effect of a medication. He died shortly after I started seeing him.

Anyway, all but 3 of our 9 items have watchers as of right now, and 4 have bids. I’d say there’s going to be at least somewhat of a fight for the doll in the end. If she sells for $50, I’ll have gotten what I paid for her, excluding shipping. She’s gotten 117 views so far whereas a couple of his coins only have two.

I had a really scary dream last night about those you-know-whats that tormented me for 7 years. First, though, I had been commenting to Tom on how I always have win dreams right before I win something good, and dreams or vibes about an upcoming change. But since I hadn’t had any win/job dreams, I was worried that meant that change was not in the near future for us. But then I dreamt that someone was asking me if he was still working at the warehouse and I said, “No, he got a job at…” Then I woke up before I could say where. I hope this is a good sign!

And I hope this next dream is anything but a bad sign! It’s worse than my usual two nightmares (being stuck in motels or dealing with giant spiders that can fly). Yup, it was them. In the dream, a cop came to arrest me. I guess the pig woke me up (they usually did), but what was odd about it was my calm demeanor. My dream self knew it was Joely and Jerry up to their old tricks. I knew they either twisted something I wrote online in their favor or that someone did something to them and they decided I should pay for it. Well, I’d be anything but calm if they decided to ever fuck with me again! And I would seriously hope that no one would want to spite someone that bad that they’d risk their own safety and even their lives just to do it, cuz I swear round two wouldn’t end as round one did! Not even close. I’m not going to get into what I’d do. I’ll only say they’d have to be utterly suicidal to seek me out after all these years. Really suicidal. And stupid!

Back to the dream. The cop waited for me to dress in the doorway to the bedroom which didn’t look anything like this one. Yet it seemed to take me forever just to get dressed. I struggled to pull my panties on (which was weird since that’s the one thing I always sleep in) yet I just couldn’t get them up my legs. Then I became embarrassed when the cop was not only watching me struggle to pull them up, but my period was starting too, which kind of made for a rather ugly site. When I finally got them on, the cop turned to talk to Tom for a minute and I lay down on the bed and started to fall asleep. I then shook myself awake an instant later and thought to myself, you can’t go to bed now! What are you, crazy? You need to get up and get moving and deal with this shit.

I rose from the bed and then began the struggle to get on a pair of royal blue sweatpants I haven’t owned in years, and then I woke up.

I know I’m just being paranoid, but remembering how obsessed they were with me still worries me to this day. I’ve lived in the fear that they’ll one day find me and start the same old cycle of shit all over again. No, it still wouldn’t end the same way because I’ve learned a lot about the law and wouldn’t answer their court calls, but saying I’d kill them if they came to my door may be a lot easier said than done. Like they themselves would be the ones to come to my door? What kind of death-wishing nutjob would dare do such a thing? Chances are almost guaranteed that I’d never be able to find them. I’ll bet I couldn’t find them right now. Hell, if I screwed someone over the way they screwed me just once, you bet I’d be hiding really well! And no matter how low I managed to fly below the radar, I’d still be looking over my shoulder every step of the way.

I tell myself, calm down. You haven’t done anything wrong. But I know that one doesn’t necessarily have to do anything, or much of anything, when it comes to minorities and the state of Arizona. They hated me for being Jewish. They hated me for complaining about the noise and harassment they were dishing upon us. They took my journal excerpts and twisted them in their favor. They, or someone else they were fucking with, sent them a threatening letter that their corrupt pig pal thrust into my hands during interrogation so as to get my prints on them. Then I was shown more “evidence” I’d never seen or heard of just minutes prior to sentencing. Now I may not have gotten a life sentence for some murder I never committed, but I still got shit on bad enough as I’m sure most would agree. And when you’re prone to having dream premonitions, dreams like this can be rather unnerving. I know not all my dreams come true, but with technology as advanced as it is today, it wouldn’t be hard to set someone up, especially with the help of a cop who could find me in a heartbeat. He could trace my whereabouts through mine or Tom’s social, or our ISP at social networking or other sites I’m a member of. All he has to do is claim it’s police business and the site managers and or owners would hand over our ISP, thus leading to our address, no questions asked. But to dump my online life would be letting them take even more from me and so I won’t do it. I would rather put myself at risk than let them win some more.

I keep thinking about this girl who once told me that the kind of obsession and hatred they harbored toward me doesn’t exactly die easy and that they’d be just as obsessed with me in 5 years as they would be in 10 as they would be in 20, but Tom said that the passage of time means a lot in my favor.

Still, I wonder about the strange emails I sometimes get. I guess they could just be new scams. Most scams are the same old, same old, but there are some new twists that I sometimes wonder about. The only difference is that I’m the big one to delete and ignore them as soon as I see what it is, for I know no one can make me read anything I don’t want to read. I don’t need to run crying to the police like a child runs to his mother whenever someone does something he doesn’t like. I know words can never hurt me and that until and if someone actually harms me or abuses me again through the legal system, I am okay.

The only other thing I’ll say about these sick twists in this entry is this: Joely, Jerry, if you’re reading this somehow, and if you dare walk back into my life be it in person or through the law, you WILL be sorry. You can take that as a threat, you can take it as a warning, you can cry racism, you can bash me in print, but you will NOT, under any circumstances ruin or seize control of my life as you did from March of 1996 till June of 2003. I will NEVER again be your victim for to try to victimize me yet again would only be victimizing your own selves. Would I be worth it?

I was going to update on Kiwi every 50 pages I wrote in Word since that’s the most I can paste in, but then I decided to post by the month. I rarely have more than 50 pages a month of journaling set on the Verdana font at point 10 like I use in my word processor anyway. I have 23 pages so far this month. I just posted the rest of January and will post February’s entries in a week.

We had a few days of sunshine, but now the rain’s back. It’s raining right now as a matter of fact. I love the sound of it, but I’m also ready for summer! Amazingly enough and even though it’s now 4 AM, the heat hasn’t come on. The cloud coverage helps keep it warmer. Oops, I jinxed it! It just came on. Oh well. That was still quite a long time and will certainly save us on propane.

Nothing heavy as far as barking goes, but I’m sure that’ll change when I get back on days.

I don’t think I’m going to lose more weight from the looks of it. I stopped losing a while back. I could continue on if I ate under 1000 calories day after day, week after week, but I just can’t do that. Or I don’t want to lose more weight bad enough to be that hungry. So I guess I’m going to remain 22 pounds overweight at 132 pounds. This is pretty much as low as I’ve been able to go for the last 6 years or so.

I returned to running in quick segments, rather than all together. This way I don’t get all sweaty and it’s easier on my joints.

My God, how did this entry get to be so long?! About 3 pages of text. Guess I had to get the nightmare off my chest. As always, it feels good to vent.

Later…

And the eBay results are in! The doll only got the one bid, despite all the watchers. I’m pretty sure most of the watchers have dolls of their own they want to sell but want to watch others that are selling to see what price to set them at.

The shoes and 3 different toys we had up didn’t sell, but all the coins went as did the books. They’re going all over the country – New Hampshire, Georgia, Missouri, Washington, and then Glinda will get to stay in Cali. She’s going to a place called Acampo. It’s down in the Stockton area.

Earlier we put up the Emilie doll, plus a red beaded cocktail dress with red strappy heels. Almost instantly, the fashion got a bid! There are 2 watchers on the fashion and 4 on the doll which is already up to 25 views.

No more nightmares about the freeloaders. I realize that I’ll probably have scattered nightmares pertaining to them for the rest of my life as that’s the kind of thing that can really leave a person scarred, along with things like my childhood and what happened at the motel. Meanwhile, I know that had they actually planned to pull another fast one on me when I had the dream, they’d have already tried. A pig would’ve come by with some story or I’d have gotten a summons. Even if they did, though, I know not to acknowledge pigs and I know how to ignore a summons. As I learned the hard way, as long as I don’t play into the hands of sickos like these, the safer I’ll be. But it’s easy to walk into certain traps before you gain experience and knowledge enough to know better and that’s what happened to me. What you don’t know really can hurt you and people will gladly take advantage of it, too.