Maliheh returned last night and twice this morning to my blog. I guess she really is interested in the story! Especially since I messaged her on FB to say I might put the intro in my blog. But once again, is she interested because she thinks it’s cool, or because she wants to screw me?

I re-read the synopsis for my last book and realized something was wrong. Then it hit me that I didn’t say anything that’d explain how it got its title – duh! – so I edited the very last sentence.

The cyst on my ovary was acting up last night but is better today. Just when I thought I was done with this problem too, as it’s been months since it’s bothered me.

Later…

I’ve written about my life and I continue to do so. Sad times, fun times, bad times, happy times, mad times, scary times, funny times… but would most people take it to the internet as I have? Probably not, so if reading some really personal and sometimes heavy-duty shit isn’t for you, then this entry will probably kill you. Just warning you up front, cuz when it rains in my journal, it really pours. I have no shame, no fear, and no guilt as far as putting my life online. I simply tell it like it is and go with the flow. I just don’t know why. Perhaps it amuses me. Or maybe I just don’t give a shit.

Sometimes I long for what my husband cannot give me. He can’t be as attractive in my eyes as that Italian guard I’m totally in lust with. He can’t give me the kind of sex I’d like to have. He can only give me himself and be who he is. I’ve been to many places and have done many things, and I love Tom for loving me as I am. It takes a tough, tolerant and very special person to do so.

But sometimes I feel like I’ve missed out on some things. I experience all kinds of love, lust, attraction, sex and adventures in my imagination and in my stories which I’ll never actually know firsthand, and I ask myself – does everyone go through this? Does everyone else settle for a mate even if they aren’t literally settling? Does everyone else feel that they’ve gone through life missing out on some things?

I know that if I could suddenly have this guard, the lust would eventually wear off, like playing the same song over and over makes it less appealing with time. But sometimes I just want to play the damn song in the first place till it loses its shine, but I know I never will.

It’s easier to meet people these days, and I know I could meet people if I wanted to. But what are the odds of them turning me on? I mean really turning me on? It’s not like I feel the “spark” with just anyone, but just a few select people here and there, so meeting someone would be like buying a lottery ticket. The odds of getting a winner just aren’t that great. Then there’s the fact that other than Tom, I tend to get people who are either stupid, obsessive or just plain crazy. A little craziness is fine. It livens things up a bit. But there’s crazy and then there’s crazy! If it were just for sex it wouldn’t matter as much, but still, I don’t need any obsessive whack jobs in my life to any degree, and it seems all the women I was with were one extreme or another. Either they got obsessed with me and wanted to smother the hell out of me, or they’d one-night-stand me and dump me.

People in general – gay, straight, male or female, are usually one extreme or another when it comes to me and they either hate me or they love me. Few people seem to just like me. I capture someone’s heart and I deeply intrigue and interest them till they can barely get enough of me, or I send them screaming in the opposite direction, determined never to even think of me again in their life.

But I will miss the fantasy-only excitement of realizing I have a crush on someone. Then realizing they have a crush on me. Then getting to know each other. Then having amazing sex. Hey, at least I got as far as step #3 with Officer Johnson a decade ago, LOL. She tried to keep me alone in the end there, but when Misha was moved over to M Dorm, mine was the only cell with a spare bed at the time. Otherwise, I’m sure we’d have had at least some fun. I still don’t know what captivated me so much about her. She wasn’t my usual type. She was a very butchy redhead with a face full of acne, but as I’ve said before, I loved all 5-foot, 10-inch, 200 pounds of that girl. Everyone did. She was so friendly and had so much charisma about her. Oh, the shit she and the few other guards that liked me let me get away with while I was at that jail!

Not knowing her first name, I was never able to find her. I sure have wondered about her over the years, despite her letting me down in the end and learning that she was transferred to a men’s jail for flirting with too many inmates at Estrella.

Who were you and where are you now, Officer R. D. Johnson?

Who knows, maybe I’ll come back in another life and do the things I didn’t get to do in this one. Maybe I’ll be oh-so ordinary instead of the fluke that I am that can basically only do what most people can’t and can’t do what most people can. Maybe I’ll be of average height and I’ll work a typical 9-5 job. I might even be straight and have a couple of kids, though I don’t know about the kids. I’ll drive without an ounce of fear and I’ll have tons of great sex. I won’t have a deformed ear or any kind of sleep disorder.

I won’t be able to sing, I’ll be a lousy dancer, and quite unteachable when it comes to foreign languages. Like most people, I won’t have a clue as to how to write a story and will have your typical all-American shitty grammar and spelling. And hey, why would I even think of having ADHD?

Yeah, maybe. Just maybe I’ll be so damn ordinary and so damn boring that boring will almost take on a whole new meaning.

“But that’s what I love about you,” Tom’s always told me. “The fact that you’re so unique, smart and talented…”

smiles, then laughs I think I’ll go work on my story some more and then maybe pick out another language to learn, cuz there ain’t NOTHING ordinary about this crazy bitch!