My message to Jennifer is still marked as unread, so who knows if she even has the same email address or bothers to go on MySpace these days? Her account is private and I can’t see her last login date. I used to be able to see it, and she did go months without checking in, so who knows?

Maliheh was late checking out my blog yesterday and didn’t get in till around noon my time. Her last check was 9pm. Again – why, why, why??? What’s on her mind? What are her intentions? To hope to “get” me? To be friends? Or is it just plain old curiosity on her part, and if so, is she as curious about me as she is about what I say about her?

I thought Tammy would check into my blog yesterday to see if I mentioned her birthday, but she didn’t. Someone in Lenox, MA, checked in from Topix Forums where I left the link in the comments section of the news article on VH being shut down. Since most of the students were from out of town or state, it wouldn’t surprise me if it was a staffer.

It’s been too quiet in the mornings for Jesse to be working lately. The dogs came to see me when I was hanging out sheets the other morning. It was so cute. Whiskey definitely likes me better than Brandy does.

Andy said that for a few days, my blog was “blurry” as he would scroll down through the entries, but all is fine now. How did we go from “much of the day” as Will had said to “a few days?” Were different blogs screwed up worse than others? I just hope this doesn’t become a regular thing, but so far I’d say they’re more stable than the other site. It was nearly every day that I was having problems over there. The site was down, messages weren’t getting to me, I couldn’t send messages, I couldn’t update my profile, pages took forever to load…

Andy also said he likes how I keep changing the background and that I am too artistic to leave it the same and that change is good.

When is there ever going to be any change in our lives?????!!!!!! I still worry and wonder – will we survive the rest of the year? Will I live to see my 45th birthday in December? Is our dream home really just a dream?

I wish everyone had 20” monitors like I do. My Formspring background looks awesome! A pair of “moving” eyes that fits in perfectly at the sides of the questions. Yet when I checked it out on my laptop, the left eye was cut off on the right side and the right eye was cut off on the left side.

Our own connection issues are still going on, but hopefully we’ll only have one more day of having to deal with it since they’ll be out Wednesday to fix things. So if I’m not around on Wednesday, that’s why. It stopped cutting in and out like crazy for two days but remained very slow. But then Tom said it was in and out all day yesterday.

Guess I’ll spend the remainder of the night working on my story and languages. I probably won’t post any more story excerpts this week.

Later…

Andy’s getting on my nerves again insisting we’re not doing all we can to help ourselves get jobs. And once again, California simply isn’t Massachusetts. He’s gotten jobs online before, so if we’re meant to survive this economy in the first place, he’ll do it again.

I do agree that it’s a youth’s market out there like he says, and that Tom should consider dying his hair. It’s like you have to be perfect. You can’t be old, you can’t be fat, you can’t be ugly, you can’t be short, you can’t be female – you can’t be shit! And non-whites get first dibs on everything these days. They’ll hire a black person who’s half as qualified as a white person, and when it comes to two potential white people – the youngest, skinniest one always wins. This world is so fucked up and unfair.

I love the guy and I know he means well, but why spend the gas money to drive around in a car with a broken AC to collect bottles like he suggests for half of what we can make online in the cool comfort of home? I’m glad he enjoys doing this himself, though.

I figured out how to recall friend requests on Facebook. I took hold of the mouse and said to myself, “Ok, girl. If you wanted to be friends you’d have accepted my invite by now. Right?” Then I started to cancel it and my hand suddenly froze on the mouse. Why was it so hard for me to click that X and cancel it out? Just one simple little click of the mouse was all it would’ve taken. “Come on, you can do it,” I tried coaxing myself. But I couldn’t. For some reason, I just couldn’t break the connection. I’d rather she be the one to do it if she wants to, though I still haven’t figured out why. I’m never going to see this person again, and for one who isn’t much of a people person to begin with, she sure has become like this strange sort of magnet with a hold on me.

Seriously, I hate people in general. I really do. It takes a lot to impress me and little to lose me. And I used to be – or so I thought – the least forgiving person on the planet. Never forgive, never forget, never move on. I basically strived to live by these rules. But it’s like Maliheh’s changed things somehow. Andy’s back in my life, not that he did anything wrong which I needed to forgive him for. And now my sister’s a Facebook friend. I still can’t believe it every time I see her picture on my friend list, and I’m still not sure that’s a good thing just yet, but even so, it’s like I’ve reached this new turning point in my life upon contacting Maliheh and I don’t know what it means just yet.

I still don’t even know what’s on Maliheh’s mind for sure. I believe it’s her I’ve been communicating with, but I still don’t know her true intentions if she has any at all. Maybe she feels the same – drawn to me, curious about me, and wondering what the hell she’s doing by being friendly enough to communicate with me and to have suggested the story since Maliheh always struck me as also being very unforgiving. Or maybe she still hates my guts and hopes I get hit by a car, I just don’t know. All I know is that I couldn’t bring myself to let go and break the so-called “connection.” I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. Could it be that despite never seeing each other again I’m still attracted to her? Hmm… I guess it’s possible. If she looks this hot in her 50s, I can totally see why I was drooling all over her in her 30s. She’s that good-looking! Maybe I didn’t want to admit it at first, but she really is a true beauty. She has a beautiful face, my dream hair, and a great body. Who wouldn’t be attracted to her? Yet it doesn’t seem like enough for me to not be able to cancel the damn friend request, but oh well. She’ll wear off in time.