Today’s been one of those fun days where I’m happy to be alive and bursting with energy, both physically and mentally. A stark contrast to last night’s poverty dreams, but I’m glad I’m only impoverished in my dreams and not in real life. 

“We have a beautiful home in a beautiful park, we just bought a Caddy, and we have thousands in savings, so why do I still have these dreams?” I asked Tom. 

“Because that’s what’s on your mind these days,” he said. 

He’s probably right, too. That’s just good old PTSD for you. When life isn’t actually beating me up, I worry that it will once again do just that someday. As Tom reminded me, though, nothing will be ok forever for one day we will get old or sick and we’re going to die. 

I don’t remember both dreams, but in one we were so broke we could barely afford food. I struggled to make the food last and wouldn’t eat unless I was desperate. We had 3 cats, too. Normally we didn’t let them outdoors, but we were so broke that when they went to the door begging to be let out, we let them out in hopes that they’d find their own food so we didn’t have to buy them any. 

Anyway, I got up at 10am and walked around the block a few times. Then we went to Raley’s to pick up a few things. He didn’t go shopping today like he usually does because he forgot his wallet, LOL. The last thing he wanted to do was deal with Walmart later on in the day, so he’ll go early tomorrow morning before I get up. 

Riding in the Caddy is always an adventure. The stereo sounds divine and it’s cool watching the digital compass in the rearview mirror tell us what direction we’re facing. I suppose most cars have that these days, though. 

Same for the backup warning. In back on the roof are these 3 lights that light up the closer you get to something you’re backing up to. I forget the distance, but the first light lights up when you’re about 5’, then the second when you’re closer, then the third turns red and flashes really fast when you’re just a few inches away from something. 

We copied some of my songs and pics onto my new smartphone and then downloaded a running app for it. Runtastic, it’s called. I’m just not sure the armband you slip it in will be very comfortable. It’s a bit big for my pants pocket, though, and my running skirt/shorts don’t have pockets. Technology is fun and useful, but such a bitch at times, too. I almost wish for the days when things were simple. 

Tom was going to do the 30-day ab challenge with me but won’t be able to do it cuz as he learned, his upper ab muscle is “broken.” If you’ve ever been pregnant or super fat, the ab muscles split, and while it wouldn’t harm anything to do things like crunches and sit-ups, it makes it worse so it looks funny. There are other exercises Tom’s going to be doing. 

Besides broken muscles, something’s determined to hex my jewelry lately. First my ankle bracelet broke, and now one of my toe rings is broken, too. Maybe I shouldn’t get such cheap stuff. 

There’s a house for sale here for 125k! The economy must be improving, but there are also some really super nice and spacious homes in this park. 

Tom has to stop by the office to get the gate clicker reprogrammed cuz apparently they changed the code. They do that periodically to give us a little extra security. Even though this isn’t Sun City, it would be easy to think we’re all loaded here, though I suppose some might be. Even I feel loaded compared to how we lived a few years ago. 

Tom’s on Amazon picking out his birthday present with the money I made online over the last month. It feels good to have worked for the money so he can pick out what he wants, even though I know my love would be enough of a present for him. 

Later… 

If anyone has a problem with the bitchfest I’m about to unleash, too bad! I need to vent. Badly. 

As I mentioned before, I noticed a few days ago a huge jump in loud car stereos, most of which are outside the park. Today there were at least 3 that were definitely inside the park. No doubt about it. An hour ago I heard the loudest one ever. It was horrible… thump, thump, thump… just like we were back in Phoenix or Oregon all over again. Like a giant fist pounding the walls of our house. Worse is that it didn’t just drive by, it was sitting somewhere. Whoever it was has to live here (unless they were guests that were leaving), because the gates were locked at the time. 

Hell, I can’t even go a half-hour without hearing one of these things! What the fuck’s going on all of a sudden and why does every single fucking place I ever move to get progressively noisier? A few places, like a couple of projects I once lived in, were always rocking, but I see a definite pattern that’s hard to deny even if they ARE a common problem from what I read online. They’re fucking everywhere. So much so I was shocked when Andy said he never hears them where he lives. Makes me wonder if that’s one of the rare areas where they’re illegal. 

Other than where he lives, nobody does shit about them anywhere. Judges have thrown out requests to limit them and it’s like the stereo blaster’s rights are protected. There is no such thing as disturbing the peace when it’s car stereos. A few places will ticket you, but the blasters are perfectly willing to pay the measly 30-dollar fine. Why? Because they’re desperate to get your attention and they already spent hundreds for the damn system in the first place. So what’s a lousy 30 bucks? The whole point of it is to be heard. Makes them feel in control and like they’re controlling you, cuz in a sense, when they penetrate your walls with their music, that’s exactly what they’re doing; they’re forcing you to listen to them. Sadly, there are that many people out there so insecure and hell-bent on control that they’ll spend 100s of dollars to gain some of that “power” they’re so lacking. Even an article I read that mentioned possibly getting fined said, “Still ‘not scared of the police?’” Well, you might want to be of potential thieves, they also said. After all, you’re basically announcing it every time you come and go, thus enabling one to easily learn when the best time is to steal the fucking thing, but people often think they’re invincible. Where I worry all the time about bad things happening, everyone else hasn’t a care or a fear in the world until the shit actually does hit their little fans. 

But is noise really a common problem that most people have to deal with, or is it rather extreme with me? I don’t know if I’m right in assuming there’s a “noise curse” of sorts on me or if there really are that many loud, rude, obnoxious, inconsiderate assholes out there. After all, Andy does hear enough other shit at his place. I don’t hear barking and brats here, but I wonder if that too, is just a matter of time. Landscapers and home improvement noise in the daytime, stereos at night… if you can’t get any peace in a 55+ park, where CAN you get it? Tammy's in a low-income place in the mainstream and it’s quiet there. I’m in a retirement community and I’m now not only hearing things in the daytime – especially weekdays – but now I’m hearing shit at night, too!  

I hate to admit it, but Jesse’s place was quieter in some ways. 99% of the noise there was him and his mutts. Otherwise, it was WAY quieter. But we could never afford the type of land Jesse’s got that’s situated in such a hilly spot that blocks them so well. 

It’s sad because I used to be able to count on at least the nights being quiet here, but now I don’t even have that much. Maybe it’ll back off in the winter, but I have a feeling it’s only going to get worse overall. When has a place ever gotten quieter? It just doesn’t usually work that way. Noise levels go up, not down. 

I’m guessing the park recently started allowing them in as they did motorcycles a while back, and why not? They’re just as loud. Like Tom said, even though Andy and I think senior living should be about peace and quiet, it’s mostly about being with people your own age. So I doubt anyone will complain or that it’d do them any good if they did. *sighs* Just gotta live with it like in Oregon, even if it’s incredibly distracting and annoying. Plus, that’s one more thing that could wake me up and I gotta wonder what they’re going to allow in here next - dogs to be left outdoors 24/7? Kids to move in? They bitch about a couple of cats on the loose, but it’s ok to disturb the peace all you want??? WTF? This world is beyond twisted. I have a greater risk of getting fined and even jailed for writing that I hate Arabs because they’re violent animals than I ever could have of blasting a car stereo at all hours of the day and night. Great world we live in, huh?

Got the monthly newsletter and in it, they complain of loose cats. *rolls eyes* Oh, please! That’s nothing compared to all the landscaping and home improvement racket going on, not to mention the uptick in car stereos lately. I don’t think they’re coming from inside the park, though. But why are there so many of them all of a sudden? I used to hear one occasionally, but yesterday was as bad as Oregon only at a distance. I heard them constantly even late into the night. Some were idling as opposed to moving. I’d like to think that if they were anywhere in the park they wouldn’t put up with that. Tom doesn’t think they would, but people seem to have a strange sense of what should be complained about and what shouldn’t be. I’ve seen something like one loose cat go by the house. Big deal. Rarely do I see loose cats when I’m out running. Yet it’s ok to hammer, drill, saw, blow, mow, and trim up a storm nearly every single day??? 

As for the thunderous car stereos, it’s sad that after all these years the damn things are still legal. And as is the case with most technology, it only advances with time and so they continue to get louder and louder. But that’s our fucked up country for you. We allow for a lot of shit to occur while we have other laws and ordinances that are just plain ridiculous. 

I finished the last of the cleaning and setting things back up. I’m glad that much is over. I almost felt like we were moving in all over again. 

I like having my desk further away from the rats when they’re active at night. This way the attention whores don’t pester me as much. I let them all run around last night and what a handful they are! I had to guide Sugar and make sure he didn’t get hurt, all the while Romeo wanted to sneak up and playfully nip me (too hard), while Hoodie ran off to get into whatever he could get into. 

Avondale spiders. Those were in fact the nightmares Tom and I saw a few times down in Arizona. I still can’t believe Andy never saw the things. They were straight out of a Stephen King movie. In fact, they were used in the movie Arachnophobia. They’re also known as Huntsman spiders. They’re huge, fast, scary-looking, and native to Australia and New Zealand. They’re harmless, but at 4-8 inches, I don’t give a shit how harmless they may be.

The writing challenges I was doing were 30 days long, but I’m not up to having to think any harder than I already do on other writing jobs I do, plus other things. Instead, I will be participating in a 30-day ab challenge. It won’t be much of a challenge for me because my core is pretty strong, but I’ve definitely been slacking off lately. I doubt I’ll ever have flat abs again at this age, but the stronger they are the fewer backaches I have. 

I tell people Tom’s stronger but I’m smarter. Well, I don’t know that I’m literally smarter since he knows an awful lot about other things; things I’m not interested in or good at. The one part of me that’s definitely stronger than him is my core. He’s got the arms and the legs, I’ve got the core, speed, endurance and energy. :) I love to rub this in too, LOL, but he has no problem admitting I’m fitter. It’s just too bad this bum thyroid won’t let me strip 30-40 pounds of fat. :( 

I slept long and well last night and my schedule even jumped nearly 6 hours. 

Had a chat with Tammy and she totally understood when I said I unfollowed the girls cuz I was sick of hearing about their father. I won’t get into why I hate him, but let’s just say it’s something big enough to be unforgivable. My sister hates him too, but for different reasons. I asked Tammy not to tell them and she agreed. No need to hurt anyone’s feelings, after all. I like that we can unfollow anyone who annoys us without actually deleting them, and I have deleted a few. Feed flooders, repetitious posters, religious fanatics, etc. 

Anyway, Tammy said she understood and that she listened to the girls when they went on and on about his condition, but she did it for their sake only. Well, his “condition” is that his cancer has spread from the kidneys to the lungs to the liver. As soon as she said the magic word, “liver,” I knew the wife/child beater would be toast soon enough. It’s now got 6-20 months left based on what I read. I guess this is the kind of cancer that like with my brother, spreads so fast that by the time you’re onto it, it can’t respond to treatment. So we’ll both have mixed emotions when he finally goes. We’ll feel terrible for the girls, but we’ll be laughing amongst ourselves. 

Andy’s going to take the train from Oakland to Auburn in late November and then his sisters are picking him up the next day. Wow, I’m surprised they’d make the drive up here. They’re all going to go to a Fleetwood Mac concert in Sacramento before taking off. 

No landscapers anywhere today, but someone was hammering. Again? What do they think these houses are, old and rundown? 

Was saddened to learn that Alison lost both her job and her apartment after being in the hospital for 24 days. Why aren’t there any laws securing people’s jobs and homes that are in the hospital long term? That’s outrageous that people should lose things like that due to circumstances out of their control. 

Andy said if she were really an FBI employee her job would’ve been secured. I don’t doubt that she was the analyst she said she was. Even if I hadn’t seen that news vid, it was just about enough in all the years we’ve talked, though she didn’t “talk” much about it because they’re not allowed to discuss cases they're investigating. She worked in the sex crimes unit and found it very depressing. I asked Tom if he agreed with Andy and he said no because there was probably more to her being let go than just the time she missed. I agree. Aly’s also been battling clinical depression and who knows what else. Prayer hasn’t worked for her any more than it has for me, and well, something up there definitely seems to have had it in for her for a long time now. She’s determined to fight it, though, and to see better days ahead. I hope so for her sake. She could really use a break. For now, I’m glad she could move in with her parents even if she doesn’t always get along with her mom. 

The two dreams I remember from last night were negative, as usual. One was common for me and it doesn’t take a genius to figure it’s probably because I fear falling into poverty again someday, even though we’re a lot smarter about saving money than we used to be, and would like to think the economy could never get so bad again before he retires. We could retire at 62 but would be struggling. We’d be fine at 66, but ideal at 70. 

Anyway, in the dream I was at some couple’s house. They were such nice people, too. I don’t know who they were or how I knew them. I didn’t seem to know Tom in the dream. They had a party one night and I helped them cater to their guests. I don’t know if they had any kids or if anyone else lived with them, but was determined to see if I could stay with them because I was homeless. I had planned to tell them about my situation after the party but broke down in tears in the kitchen after bringing a tray of dirty dishes into it. The guy saw me and I tried to explain why I was homeless and about my sleep problems, but didn’t think he was comprehending much of what I said because there was so much commotion going on around us. 

In the second dream, Sugar either got outside somehow or I was dumb enough to let him out. After a while of his not returning home, I asked Tom if he thought he was still alive out there and he said no. I woke up feeling sad and guilty for letting him die out there alone.

Had a dream I was in a basement somewhere with my childhood friend, Jessie. Suddenly, a couple of polar bears appeared. We both froze in our tracks and when she began to speak I said, “Shhh!” 

There we stood frozen stiff until I actually fell asleep. When I awoke, Jessie and the bears were gone. I ran upstairs to tell Tom about it, but he didn’t believe me at first. “They must’ve gotten in during the party,” I told him, and then he realized that was in fact possible. 

In another dream, I was to be staying somewhere, against my will as usual. The “jail” looked like a giant room and I wasn’t sentenced yet for whatever crime I was supposed to have committed. I only knew it had something to do with the black bitch in Arizona, and yes, I did say “black” bitch. I’m tired of it being ok for them to call us white bitch, white this, white that, while it’s never ok for us. I’m not against the “Do unto others as you’d have done unto you” thing, but I am very much against double standards. So if you have a problem with it… tough! :) 

In the dream, I was worried I could end up doing a total of a year for that shitster, regardless of its color, between years ago and now. Then I spotted the big fat Mexican who was also involved in railroading me and was suddenly terrified. She was bossing others around who seemed scared of her and I knew she could break me in half. I wondered just how she’d react if she recognized me. 

I went and told one of the guards who she was and why I was afraid, and they told me not to do anything about it should she burn me in any way. In other words, my dream self knew, it wouldn’t get me anywhere but in deeper shit with her. 

Later… 

The master suite is now clean. Tomorrow I’ll hit the kitchen, then the living room the next day. Then again, I may tackle the living room today cuz I’m sick of everything being crammed onto the shelves. I want to set things back up. It’s a bright sunny day, I’m wide awake; might as well get it done today. 

Tom got us some clear plastic mats to put under our chairs. It’s still a bit hard to roll them around but not as hard as it was before. 

He had fun at the company BBQ yesterday but didn’t win any raffles. They might have lunch at the casino next week. 

No home improvement projects or landscapers to listen to today as of yet, but I’m annoyed by the rise of loud car stereos I’ve been hearing. Are they coming into the park lately, or are the damn things just getting louder?

I still worry that after all the work we put into this place we’ll end up losing it someday. What happened a few years ago really fucked with my head and did a number on it to the point that I now see things differently than I used to. I worry about the things I never gave a second thought to in the past. But just like with other stressful, scary, and traumatic experiences, I’m determined not to let it stop me from living my life. If I see something I really like or need and I have the money for it, I get it. And you know that bit about things happening for a reason and some higher power planning our fate and destinies? Well, screw that shit, too. It’s my life and I will decide my future. I can’t stop a meteorite from hitting the planet or make my thyroid come back to life, but I’m definitely going to be taking the driver’s seat of my life whenever possible. It’s not going to be up to “fate,” “destiny,” “God,” or any vindictive assholes that think I’ve crossed them, thus giving them the right to get me back for it, if they’re not just plain crazy. 

Meanwhile, with acceptance comes new activewear, yay! We grabbed a breakfast platter at Jack-n-the-Box, then went to Target. The other day I said to myself, face it, girl, your rolls aren’t going anywhere. They’re yours for life no matter how hard you diet or bust your ass working out. 

I actually almost quit working out altogether, but I really don’t want to fall out of shape either. I want to be ready for anything physical that comes my way, like all the activity when we vacationed in Hawaii. That would’ve left me unable to walk the next day had I not been in shape, and well, I don’t want the joint pain back and I don’t want to get all out of breath just from cleaning the house. Lastly, if I quit working out I’ll gain a few pounds a month instead of a few a year. I don’t want that either. 

So I got two tank tops, one in neon yellow and the other in hot pink. Tom likes the neon yellow cuz he knows drivers will see me better in it. I also got long pants and these shorts with a skirt over it sort of like what the tennis players wear. They’re all a size L with the skirt/shorts being an XL, and yes, they’re a bit loose around the waist, but they have a drawstring that snugs them up. I just don’t like tight clothes. They are snug elsewhere, though, since I have a fat ass and full hips, haha. 

Gotta get new running sneakers one of these days, too. I have enough T-shirts and sweatshirts that are suitable for the cooler months. I wasn’t lacking in tanks, but thought the two I got were too cool-looking to pass up. The pants will last longer than my baggy old sweats and shorts will. These pants are snug, almost like tights, so that’s why they’re great for running. The material doesn’t rub together as much this way when your legs are scissoring back and forth. The pants are dark charcoal gray – almost black – and the skirt/shorts are black with deep purple. 

The tanks are slightly loose in the chest near the armpits but fit snugly across my midsection. 

I’ll write about what else I got later. For now, I need to start cleaning and putting this place back in order now that the new and wonderful carpet is installed – finally! 

Later… 

Finally decided what I want to do as far as mentions of Molly in my blogs. I’m not letting anything be public from this year on. Again, that’s what she’s looking for and what she wants. No sense in sweating over deleting old stuff since she’s already seen it, but I’m not going to let her see that it annoys me to see she’s still coming around. That’ll make her pay more attention to me, not less. It isn’t just a mention of herself she’s looking for, but any word on Alison as well. 

Speaking of Alison, why do I get the feeling this lack of contact goes beyond all her problems? Really, if she doesn’t want to be friends, why doesn’t she just say so. I already gave her my word that I wouldn’t say anything negative about her in my blog. Really hope she’s not friends again with Molly or Kim and only sticking around to fill them in on what’s up with me. 

Got some cleaning done and am still loving this carpet. As cruel as it may sound to outsiders who don’t know the situation, my parents need to come back to life and let me kill them once a year or so to keep the payments coming. Really, they’ve been much more helpful to me dead than alive. 

The only negative thing about this carpet is that it’s very coarse to the touch and it’s hard to roll my chair over it. We looked for one of those plastic sheets you put under office chairs when we were in Target but didn’t find any. 

The floor was structurally sound, in case I forgot to say, and the workers said most of the nail strips were in good condition. They only had to replace one tiny section that had gotten wet and rotted out. 

We did get me a new smartphone like his that was on sale for $50. It’s a lot nicer than that old cell I was using. I’m sure I’ll use it more for playing music and fitness apps when out running than I will for calling anyone. 

I also got a cute doll for just $18 that’s regularly $40. At first glance, I thought it was an American Girl doll which I was surprised to see priced so low, even on sale. On sale, you’re lucky to find one of those for under $60. I think it’s a knock-off (Our Generation) that makes lookalike dolls, though the molds are amazingly similar when I compared “Holly” to pics of AG dolls online. Anyway, Holly’s not very realistic, but she is cute. She’s a green-eyed vinyl doll with long straight blond hair. Her body is stuffed. Her eyes close when you lay her down. LOL, I don’t think I’ve had a doll with closing eyes since I was a kid. She’s definitely more geared towards kids than adult collectors, but I don’t care. She wears a bold pink dress, black tights and pale pink furry boots that are adorable. I polished her nails hot pink. I’d like a brunette with bangs to go with her someday. I’m surprised she has rooted hair. I would’ve guessed an 18” doll this size would be wigged. 

I checked out a doll from the Springfield Collection that was just $20, but when I saw this Asian doll by Adora Friends, I definitely had to put her in my cart, even though she was $54. 

I also got my toe ring last week and now both feet have a toe ring on the toes next to the big toes. It’s not as nice as my wideband infinity swirl and it definitely sparkled more online, but it’s still nice. Just wish my ankle bracelet hadn’t broken. 

Hoodie's obsessed with "inspecting" my fingers and hands. It’s a good thing he's gentle, unlike Romeo. 

Really getting sick of hearing people’s home improvement projects around here. Today it was installing a new AC across the street. They aren’t nearly as annoying as the landscapers, though. What’s annoying (besides them) is when next door parks in their driveway and gets door slammy on me like they did just now. Shook the whole living room and even the metal figure skaters in the windows rattled. Most of the time they come and go quietly, but at least 1 of their 3-5 times going out they really let me know it. And again, where is a couple in their 80s going so damn often??? They only pull into the garage when they know they’re not going out again for the day, so that will probably be when they return in an hour or two. They usually do most of their coming and going between 8 am - noon. 

I’m still behind in my writing, but managed to proofread a couple of chapters of my book today. 

What I don’t get is why all the fatigue lately? I’m normally a pretty energetic person, yet I’m tiring down early these days and still not sleeping well. I wake up after 4 hours of sleep, then once or twice an hour from there on out. Still averaging 8 hours, but haven’t slept 10 hours like I usually do when I get overly tired in quite a while now. I usually don’t start tiring down till I’ve been up about 14 hours, then I’ll go read for a couple of hours before I crash. But lately, I’m tiring down 10-12 hours after I’ve been up. WTF? I’m under NO stress right now, I’m not sick, so I don’t know why I’m so tired lately. My life is AWESOME now. 

The tall pink flowers in the bedroom look the absolute best. I still have pink tulips to put in the bathroom once it’s painted, and I’m waiting on two giant roses. After that, I probably won’t get that many more wall stickers. As big as this place is, I’ve only got so much space for them. I put some old traditional wall hangings in Tom’s room. A large print of a sexy Indian woman across from the bed, and a couple of small sunsets with palm trees at the sides of the bed. 

It’s nice to know we can do the rest of the painting and the flooring at our leisure and there’s no hurry like there was with the carpet and painting the areas over the old carpet. Painting a room this big with brand-new carpet would make me very nervous. 

I’m behind on documenting dreams as well, but I’ve taken notes. Let’s see… in one dream I was standing in a small room in which an old bedridden man lay in bed talking to a woman that stood right by his bedside. I don’t know who they were or why I ran, but I suddenly turned and bolted from the room. As I headed out, I heard the old man say, “You better go,” and knew he was telling the girl he should go after me. 

Sure enough, she pursued me down a long corridor. She was running about as fast as I was and the next thing I knew, I realized I had something breakable in my hand (a mug or a glass?) so I tossed it in her direction to slow her down. I awoke as it shattered on the floor. 

In another dream, some woman (my old dental assistant in Arizona?) was proposing to me, and in another, I wrote an entry about having affairs with two different women and how I was looking forward to all the fun, LOL. One of my followers commented saying that while it may seem exciting and adventurous at first, it could lead to a lot of chaos and confusion in the future.

Loving our new Nomad carpet! What a long, hot tiring day it was, though. It just had to be nearly 100° out. The rats and I were melting. I still prefer heat to cold, though. 

The installers were supposed to arrive between 8:00 and 10:00 and work for 2-4 hours. Instead, they arrived at noon and worked for 6 hours. The original installer’s van broke down, as our shit luck would have it. Thank goodness we didn’t have to reschedule altogether. That really would’ve pissed us off having to put back all the shit we moved, take time off from work, then move the shit all over again. 

The guys did a great job and what I saw of the process was interesting and educational. You don’t realize just how much work goes into it! It’s not just a matter of yanking out old carpet and then just tossing the new carpet down. There’s so much prep work involved as well. 

We watched from the carport looking into the dining room window as the guy started in the living room while his son started in the master bedroom. They used what looked like skinny spatulas with long handles to gouge up the carpet. First the guy brought up the old metal strips at the edges of the carpet by the front door, then he pulled it up with one hand while cutting strips with the other hand to make it easier to roll up and carry out the old, worn diarrhea brown carpet. The dust it kicked up was like – yuck! The padding beneath was damn near disintegrated. It’s a good thing we had the AC off since we didn’t want to suck all that dust into it. Besides, the guy said it was easier to stretch the new carpet in higher temps anyway and he was used to working in the heat. The house was at 90° by the time they left. 

I was right in assuming the carpet was the original that was installed 31 years ago when the house was built. It just seemed way too worn for just 15 years, which is how long the previous owners lived here unless they had a shitload of company in and out every single day. The guy said horsehair was on the back of the carpet and they stopped using that over 15 years ago. 

At first I was confused as to why there’d be linoleum until I remembered the fascinating way modular homes are built. We were given a tour of the factory that built our Maricopa home in 1999. They’re built from the bottom up similar to on-site homes. First thing that goes down on the metal frame is the floorboards. Then the flooring is laid, and they usually just slap a huge sheet down that is bigger than the space it’s intended for. Then the walls are erected and then a giant crane picks up and sets the roof down on top. Like most stick homes, it won’t last hundreds and hundreds of years and will collapse in another 75-100 years. We won’t be here, LOL, but I’m sure they’ll yank this thing out of here before it goes down on whoever is. 

Anyway, it’s beautiful. *looks upward* Let’s see you try to take this one away from us. I love the beach sand color and am glad for how perfect it looks. I was a bit worried at first that I went too dark. I’m glad I didn’t go with the crème color I originally considered, though. This Nomad we’ve got brightens up the room without clashing with the wall colors. 

After they hauled out the carpet and what was left of the padding, they swept the floors. We’ll need to touch up some paint that got scuffed up a bit, but at least they were nice enough to tell us about it. And to vacuum up the loose fibers when they were done. They didn’t even have the decency to do that in Maricopa after installing the denim blue carpet that was supposed to be champagne pink. 

They cut the carpet in the street, LOL. It’s a good thing that street isn’t very busy, but they could go around it if they had to. I’m glad the streets are kept clean too, by those annoying blowers. When they were done a scattering of fibers remained in the street, but the wind and blowers will take care of them. 

Fortunately, they finished the master bedroom first and we could start pulling things out of the master bath, including a dresser, fan and the bed. That way I could lay on it with the fan blowing on me even though it still felt pretty hot. 

I watched the guy melt the seams. They put this strip of adhesive or glue or whatever it is down, then use an iron of sorts to melt them down. He then uses a roller to press them down, then sets these heavy tiles on the area till it sets. 

Not sure I like the gold carpet edging cuz it’s slightly raised. At first I thought the floor beneath it was bowed or something, but nope. It’s the style of the strips. We can change that easily enough if we want to, though they haven’t been a problem so far. Nobody’s tripped on them or anything. 

Later… 

Due to being busy yesterday I didn’t proofread any of my story or do the 30-Day Writing Challenge I’ve been doing. Maybe later. 

The new carpet makes the floors feel more solid, and I had to remember to sort of step up onto it when leaving the kitchen. The old carpet was so worn that it was even with the floors. There was a musty smell present that I attributed to the rats, but maybe part of it was the years of shit being spilled on the carpet. When they lifted a section from the dining room, I could see a huge stain on the underside of it. After 10 months and 2 weeks with the old shit, I’m glad to see it go! 

We got a few extra scraps of carpet and I have one piece under the rats’ cage. I moved my desk across the room to the other front corner of the living room. Now maybe the attention whores won’t be begging so much for food and attention if I’m 24’ away. I mostly moved because we wanted to separate my office from what will be a traditional living room set up once we get new furniture. 

I’m now wireless like Tom and so far there haven’t been any issues cutting out. I’m closer to next door where I am, but I can still hear their SUV doors on the other side of the room anyway. I was hesitant at first with the way they come and go so many times each day, but most of the time they’re quiet about it and I wouldn’t even know they were coming and going if I didn’t look out and see them. They had company the last couple of days, but they were quiet, too. 

There’s a house for sale about 3 houses away going for 90k. The economy is getting better, all right, and I’m sure our place would now cost twice as much if it were for sale now instead of last year. 

Anyway, Tom had to saw the bottom of the sliding closet doors in the hallway because they would no longer fit with the carpet being plusher. 

I put up some of the decorative wall stickers and they look pretty cool. Tom had to help me with the ivy vines sprouting out of bricks. Not only did he have to hold the sheet while I peeled them off, but I wanted them close to the ceiling and wasn’t tall enough to reach that area. 

I’ve got butterflies in the hallway and some flowers, too. Today I intend to put giant pink flowers in the bedroom, and then pink tulips will eventually adorn the base of the master bathroom. That room still needs to be painted, so it will be a while yet. Gotta paint the kitchen, bathrooms and laundry room still, plus redo the floors. I’m glad the bulk of the home improvements are over! The only thing I would change if I were starting over is I’d make the second bedroom pink and the hallway lavender instead of the other way around. 

Later… 

Ok, now I see that Molly does have another way into my blog without the group home name as the host. But it doesn’t say they’ve got a Mac, and they only went to LiveJournal where she usually goes. So whoever went to Prosebox with a Mac probably still wasn’t connected to her or else she’d be going there every time she went to LiveJournal. 

First she appeared under her usual visitor ID, then she came back with another one, but it’s got to be her for sure. Same blog, same operating system, same time frame. Why is she coming around more and more lately? I mean, I knew the cat would eventually be let out of the bag, but still… And how long before she and her twisted mother contact me? They can only do so on Facebook that I know of. Except for on Prosebox, I keep all commenting disabled on other blogs like LiveJournal, Blogger and whatnot. I’m not using my-diary and she shouldn’t know where my Ask account is.

I’m an idiot for having too much faith in this medication and getting the dress I got in Hawaii in a medium instead of a large. It still fits fine, but I really thought this medication was going to help me in the end. Had I gotten a large, though, I could’ve enjoyed it longer until the plus sizes became a must. 

The carpet now has just a few hours left to live, yay! We’ll start clearing out the rooms in a few hours. 

I crashed at 3pm and awoke at 8pm and immediately thought – this is way too early to be up. Then I mentally cussed out God for cursing me with this sleep disorder, wondering just who the hell’s sleep I supposedly fucked with to deserve it, and why everything else I’ve had or have isn’t enough. So then I formed a mental image of an average guy, considered it God, and started kicking and punching like crazy. Eventually, I fell back asleep beating up “God,” and didn’t get up till 11:00. It’s still going to be a long day, but not as long as 8:00 would’ve been. They left a message confirming that they’ll be here between 8am - 10am. 

For once I had fun, romantic dreams instead of negative ones. I only had one scary one. But instead of being trapped somewhere – jails, hospitals, hotels and dumpy places, I was young again, living for the moment instead of worrying about the future, and in the beginnings of a serious relationship with a gorgeous woman. I love dreams like this cuz it’s a way of having affairs and adding variety to my life to spice things up without actually stepping out on the one I love. 

What was weird about the dream was that I saw it through her eyes as well as my own. The woman was tall and German, though it wasn’t Nane. She had brown hair and blue eyes. She read my journal in which I mentioned wanting to marry her, buy some land somewhere, and buy a modular, which is what I live in in real life (a house built on a steel frame allowing it to be moved). 

I knew she read about my dreams and desires but she didn’t know I knew. Sure enough, though, she bought us a few acres on a country hillside and we picked out and designed the modular we wanted, having certain things custom-made to our order. 

In the scary dream, I was either living in or temporarily staying in an apartment. At least I think it was an apartment and not a house, which Jesse might’ve owned. It wasn’t dumpy, though. As I was returning from wherever, a guy (security guard?) swiped a card by the door and looked all confused when these green digital letters said: Accessed. 

“No one’s been inside, have they?” I asked. 

He shrugged and said he didn’t know. I then went inside and noticed certain doors that I’d left open were now shut. I then started shouting, “Who are you?!” as I ran and flung open doors, ready to slam my fist into anyone that may jump out at me.

Woke up with some pretty nasty lower back pain as I sometimes do, and I still don’t know what causes it. PMS? My mattress? 

I was all set to say “fuck it” to working out, but I do like to get out in the fresh air and stretch my legs. If I don’t, I have joint issues and gain weight faster (though I sometimes wonder if delaying the inevitable is really the smart thing to do), so out I went. Since more isn’t better in my case, 20 minutes is sufficient enough. I made 5 rounds around the circle, which is a mile. 

I should increase my abdominal workouts in case that’s what’s fucking up my back. Strong stomach muscles help support the back. 

As for the dieting part – no fucking way. I’m not going hungry for nothing. I thought the medication would help me help myself in that department, but I thought wrong. I’ll keep my average of 1500 calories a day. 

This old, worn ugly carpet now has less than 40 hours left to live. Yes! It’s been hell pushing my schedule around, but worth it. I look forward to the break I’ll get once it’s in before it’s off to play appointment all over again. 

Had a series of weird dreams last night. I got so big I could barely walk, the FBI read my blog, and Tammy told me she once dated Arnold Schwarzenegger, haha. 

Then I threw a couple of pairs of underwear in the washer to be washed later on, but the cycle started anyway. Not wanting to waste water on just two pairs of panties, I added some towels to the load as the bin was filling with water. 

I was also writing a story longhand in a notebook, promising my dad who was alive again to send him an email since it had been a while, and saying something nasty about someone’s kids through an intercom of sorts in a large building (a hotel?). After I said whatever it was I said I ran through a few short corridors, made some turns, then into what was my apartment or room, and slammed and locked the door. I guess I was afraid the kids’ parents might not like what I had to say or that they’d sic the pigs on me. My dream self thought of wetting my hair and throwing a towel around me and telling anyone who came to question me that I’d been in the shower.

I’m in a truly pissy-ass mood right now, so if happy words are what you’re in the mood for today, then this entry isn’t the one to read. 

First of all, I’m pushing my schedule around as fast as I can so I won’t be dog-tired on Saturday when they come to install the new carpet. I crashed at 9am, but awoke at just 2pm and was like, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me! So I took both a Melatonin and a Benadryl like an idiot and fell back asleep about an hour later. I slept till 8pm, which is a good thing, but I woke up feeling totally hung over. Groggy as hell, I got up, made coffee, and ate, but couldn’t fully wake myself up. So I laid down and ended up napping for an hour. I’m only just now coming out of the fog. I don’t feel 100% alert and awake, but today’s goal of staying up till at least 11am should be easy enough. 

What’s got me frustrated as hell right now is how worthless my medication seems to be against this disease. IDK, maybe my expectations are unreasonable, but it just seems to me that if I’m out there working out for an hour a day AND watching what I eat, my weight should go down. Right? 

I'll wait till my next reading in June, but I have been on the meds for about 4 months now and I think I would know by now if it was going to help me or not. I am truly and honestly sick of watching myself gain nearly a pound from a cup of coffee. No one does that. No one. I feel like I'm in a no-win situation either way. If I diet and exercise I won't lose weight, and if I stop dieting and exercising I will gain weight, even if I'm still only having about 1500 calories a day. I could probably still lose if I was half-starving but I can't do that every single day. I need food to live, you know? So it has been a truly frustrating ordeal trying to get myself to accept the inevitable and all that. I'm still a good 50 pounds away from the 200-marker, but someday I will get there whether I like it or not. I just remind myself over and over that millions of people survive life with obesity. SO CAN I. The one thing I can control is how fast I get there. Dieting/running won't stop me from gaining but it will delay it. Anyway, we can't change fate and so I just gotta learn to live with it just like I have lived with being short all my life. "Embrace it, accept it, live with it, and use it to your advantage," I tell myself, should some young skinny punk decide to mess with me. I don’t know why acceptance with this one is coming so slowly to me. Perhaps I’m expecting too much too fast since I haven’t even known about it for 6 months yet. 

Another thing that’s got me frustrated – and I hate to sound selfish and insensitive – is having friendships placed on hold due to some of them having so many problems. I know they can’t help it and that it’s not their fault, but sometimes I just want to chat with them or ask their opinion on something and they’re not there. I’m not going to dump them, though, for something that’s out of their control as that would be just plain mean, so I try to look forward to the contact I get from them when they’re between problems, so to speak. Sometimes we just gotta take what time we can get from some people and hope that for their sake they won’t have so many problems someday. 

As for my own problem – I just gotta make the best of it. That’s all we can do about anything. Being big isn’t the end of the world. It could be worse, right? Like I could be blind, paralyzed or have terminal cancer. Being big is part of the disease and even the doctor herself did say that the medication wouldn’t make me lose weight. I just thought it would help me is all. 

Right now I’m dismayed that Molly is looking for me once a week, sick of waiting on Alison due to all her problems as selfish as that may sound, and wondering what’s up with Nane. 

All Nane said is that in the past few months, she’s had problems with Askim, her job, her mother, and her family, but wouldn’t go into any detail. All she said was that she’d be “all right” again someday. I hate it when people tell me something’s wrong, but don’t say what, leaving me hanging and wondering WTF is up. I knew she’d had problems at work and with Askim, but her family? I thought they were close and got along well. 

Thought I’d discuss some things I told my sister in this entry. She wouldn’t mind. Besides, it’s not like it’s any big secret. I’ve mentioned this in my blog before. 

She said she didn’t know if it meant anything to me or not, but when she was unpacking and getting set up in her new place, she came upon Mom’s old address book. She took a picture proving that while she herself swears she was clueless as to our whereabouts in Maricopa and his family’s info, mom had Tom’s mom’s address. 

No, it doesn't mean anything, I told her. Meaning that this is no big secret or anything like that. Mom and Dad met his mother in 1997 (his dad died in '95) when they drove out to see us. We all met at Red Lobster. They would send holiday cards each year and then when they became estranged to me I asked Tom's family that they cease any contact they may still have with them because it made me uncomfortable in light of our falling out. His mother and sister were very selfish people so I don't know if they complied with my wishes or not. 

But that's not the point, as Tammy knows. The point is that no matter who was involved in what, nothing can ever be done to undo the legal hell I went through on account of the vengeful white-hating welfare bums and their corrupt pig pal. No one's going to pay us back the money we lost on account of them despite being vindicated in May of '03, and no one can ever replace the half a year I lost with my husband or undo the emotional anguish I suffered. 

I highly doubt that Mom and Dad were aware of the legal nightmare I went through until I told them about it in 2007, but remember, one of the perps WAS a pig. Back then they had resources most civilians didn't have when it came to finding people. Once found, I was naive to the law and they took advantage of that. All I can say is that these sick fucks taught me a lot about the law, despite the grim circumstances surrounding it, and no one should ever be able to get me in a similar situation in the future. If ever anyone burns us to such a degree again - and I have no qualms about putting this in print - I WILL literally kill them with my bare little hands. Again, I don't mind saying so in print for anyone to see because I decided years ago that if I'm ever to go down again it will be because of something I truly DID do and not words on paper that I was made to look like I wrote/sent. I normally look down on the idea of revenge and consider it stooping just as low as the instigator, but not if it's big enough. If someone harmed your daughters, I told Tammy, or your husband, you would certainly take that a lot more seriously than if someone spray-painted your car, wouldn't you? 

The lesson learned - never touch anything the cops hand you lest they be getting your prints on something they fabricated. I had NO idea at the time he was a personal friend of hers. No idea. How could I have? Meanwhile, I hope no one out there will refuse to take my promise seriously and screw me over bad enough to make me show them that no, I wasn't kidding, and yes, I really will come after one that knowingly and intentionally tries to turn my life upside down. 

The whole 6 months I was locked up I wished to hell I HAD beaten the bitch's ass or done SOMETHING. I wanted to do so before because I felt that turning the other cheek or just taking their shit through or not through the law was sending the wrong message (one saying it's ok to fuck me over), but I was talked out of it. Never again, though! I really hope there'll never be an "again," though. My husband and I just want to live in peace, you know? But if anyone thinks I'm just gonna throw up my hands and say, "Oh well, shit happens. People wrong us and that's just life," they got another thing coming to them. People have had a habit of not taking me seriously long before the welfare bums came to trample my life. I warned Mom and Dad that I would walk away if they didn't quit their shit, but they obviously either didn't take me seriously or they didn't care. 

Back to the freeloaders. I'm notorious for showing resilience and for overcoming all kinds of things in life, but them and anyone that had a hand in enabling them to screw me, no matter how direct or indirect, will NEVER be forgiven. Hell, I wish those freeloaders and their long-since fired pig pal WOULD come to this door, but at this point, they're not dumb enough to do so because A, I'm in another state, and B, they know damn well that things would play out much differently this time. They're mean and hateful, but not stupid. 

The pig being involved is part of why we left Arizona. To be vindicated in a case that involved civilians only would be one thing, but when a pig is personal friends with them... I think it would've been just a matter of time before they were shooting at the house or something a wee bit much for my fists or temper alone to handle. We never had guns and probably never will. 

Later… 

Continuing on with my discussion with Tammy. First, though, how the hell did she leave that voice post on Facebook like she did? I’d love to be able to do that. 

Either way, I already knew my parents were in touch with Tom’s mom, I just don’t know how long it went on after I ceased all contact with my parents in 1998. 

I should add that I wouldn't go after someone for something small or something they said/wrote. It would have to be something they DID, something big. REAL fucking big. I'm not going to beat the shit out of someone that spilled wine on our new carpet or that bashed me in a blog or something. If anything, the verbal bashing may help up my book sales, LOL. Think Jodi Arias would sell so much of her stupid artwork if people had kind things to say about her? 

What was she doing with Rhoda's address, though? I didn't think she was in touch with much of the extended family. Haven't seen that one since probably my late teens. 

As I also told her, I haven't heard or seen of Lori or Lisa since my early 20s and I don't want to for two reasons that have nothing to do with their asshole father. Lori, one year older than me, and Lisa, one year younger, are my mother’s brother’s daughters. 

One reason I can’t stand them is that when I called them for help when someone was knocking on my first-floor apartment window late at night in '86, they refused to help me. Something like that would piss me off when I got older and I'd be out there confronting the guy in a heartbeat, but back then I was just 18 or 19 and pretty much everything scared me. Mom and Dad were in Florida and Tammy was over an hour away, so I called them and they wouldn't come and get me. They simply told me to call the cops, and I did, but the perp was gone by the time they arrived. Finally got Jenny (my so-called “best” friend from age 9 to about 22) to spend the night once with her BF, then I left her a message the next day and she said her mother told her, "Your daughter called." Really, that was so fucking insulting! I'm not perfect but damn did she do me a favor when she dumped me a year or two later for not being just like her. 

Reason two as far as why I haven't wanted anything to do with Lori and Lisa, not that I could find them, and not that the feeling wouldn’t be mutual, is that they falsely accused me of prank calling them. As an adult, I have no reason to not admit when I'm guilty of something because that admission can't be used against me the way owning up to doing something wrong could get me in trouble as a kid. No one can take away my stereo or ground me for a week as an adult. So if I say I didn't call them, I didn't. I DID call my dad’s brother and his wife, though, as I hated those fuckers for the way they treated me when I stayed with them at the campgrounds in CT and the way Marty later threatened me (right in front of Nana Bella). Again, I got scared in those days, not pissed. God only knows how much prison time I'd have accumulated by now if I were like I am today back then. 

There are basically two reasons I walked away from mom and dad in '98 and that was the constant complaining and the hypocrisy. Anyone who can't accept you as you are doesn’t truly love/care for you if they have to try to pick on and change so much about you. A few complaints here and there, I can see. We can’t please everyone all the time, after all. But they didn’t ask me not to do this, this or that, they demanded like I was still a kid. I put up with their kind when I was young, but later in life, I began to walk away from such control freaks. As they say, those that don't mind matter, those that do mind don’t matter. Especially when they have a problem with literally everything you say and do. 

The other reason was the hypocrisy. It really pissed me the fuck off when she had the nerve to tell me not to stick my nose in family business when she herself was doing the SAME exact thing. I can't stand lies, hypocrisy, control freaks, and phonies, related or not. So that's why I pulled back when I did. 

There were the memories associated with them, too. Every time I would hear my mother’s voice I was reminded that that was the woman who abused me and so on and so forth.

My TSH levels have got to be getting pretty close to normal by now but my body STILL can't metabolize or burn calories normally with BOTH diet and exercise. Just one lousy cup of coffee with 30-60 calories of creamer will bump me up almost a whole pound. Definitely not normal even for one who’s older, right? 

Not sure I see the point in continuing on with my medication if it’s not going to do me any good, but I’ll make that decision depending on the results of my blood test in June. I know I’d be taking a bit of a risk if I stopped it, but life is all about risks anyway, isn’t it? 

I wonder what last night’s dream may’ve meant if anything. I don’t know what I was there for or why I went alone, but I was at my primary doctor’s office and had waited impatiently in an exam room for over an hour to see her. I stepped out to ask her male nurse what was taking her so long and he said something about giving me something to help calm me down. I said I just wanted to see the doctor and get on with my appointment. 

In a split second, I was in a small room with 3 hospital beds along one wall and some chairs across from it. There were also offices, hallways, and doorways off all the walls except for where the beds were. I was in one of the beds and saw my doctor sitting in a chair a few yards beyond the foot of it. She was chatting with a black guy. I asked her how many more minutes. “About a half an hour,” she said. 

I was pissed and then I realized how tired I was. I thought to myself, I don’t give a shit if I fall asleep on them if they’re going to make me wait this long. 

Just then, her nurse came through a door and approached my left side. He grabbed my arm and then stuck a foot-long needle into my arm just above the back of my wrist. I tried to protest and pull away, saying I couldn’t get home if they were going to drug me up, and the doctor burst out laughing like it was a funny joke. 

Went out and covered 3 or more miles in 58 minutes at just after 7:30 and it was a ghost town out there this evening. Maybe that was because it was so windy. I turned the iPod off along the way and listened to people’s wind chimes as I walked and jogged. I was chilly at first, but then I was sweating as I got moving. I know my route so well now that I could do it blindfolded. I have my designated running spots, which are long, flat stretches as well as areas that are a bit downhill, too. 

I’m surprised Oregon legalized gay marriage! Oregon was a pretty hateful state when I lived there. So many cars had that “one man, one woman” bullshit bumper sticker. Just maybe we will see all 50 states legalize it in our lifetime, after all. 

Safari definitely runs way faster than Firefox, but it lacks a couple of features FF has. Pretty sure Safari is only for Mac users, though, just in case anyone’s wondering. Although I fought it tooth and nail because I, like most people, am resistant to change, I’m glad I went Mac all those years ago. I can just imagine how many viruses and other shit I’ve had had by now if I were still in Windows. Just wish providers and routers could be as stable, though I haven’t had any outages in over a week now. 

Was going to wait till June to start this 30-day challenge, but then said what the hell? So here goes: 

What is your first memory? 

My earliest memories, though I don't exactly know which came first for sure, is turning 3 years old. I also remember "drawing" on the wall with a metal animal figure that might've been a dog. I don't know if I was still in a crib, but I was pretty young either way. Too young to know better, I placed the metallic figurine on the wall as high as I could reach, then slowly dragged it down the wall, making streaks of grayish streaks along the way. 

"Oh, Jodi," I remember my mother moaning when she discovered the mess I'd made. 

Nane’s brother was impressed that I could chase his golf cart around the park. LOL, the guy sure looked like her brother anyway. I was running down one side of the park when a golf cart went by. I couldn’t see the people sitting in front that were facing forward, but there were two ladies in back and I was pretty sure one was Carol, my midnight friend that never was. So by the time I hit Carol’s street, the cart had stopped on the corner and some people got off in front of where I sometimes wish our house was located. I shot down Carol’s street and was about to start zigzagging through side streets when he was headed the opposite way and he stopped to let me know how amazed he was by my speed. 

The soft toilet seat in the master bath is starting to tear up at the seam on the side. Gonna return to hard seats. Maybe by the time it really goes to hell we’ll be ready to get new toilets. 

Ordered another toe ring for my other foot. This one will be for my right foot, which has the colorful ankle bracelet I got in Hawaii, and it’s smaller, too. It’s a silver ring with dots of colorful glitter. 

I also grabbed some more wall stickers; flowers and ivy leave vines that sprout out of “bricks.”

As I sit here waiting for the temperature to cool down enough to go out running, I realize how slow I am at times. That suspicious visitor couldn’t have been Molly or a friend of hers at the group home. When I’ve looked over Molly’s visits I’ve noticed that the hostname is that of the group home itself. Well, the visitor in question’s hostname was that of a private residence, so I highly doubt it was tied to her after all. Not unless it was someone she knew there who no longer lives there but still lives in the Austin area, and this is unlikely. 

Talked to both Tammy and Mark earlier. They really love their new place. I’m just amazed at how quiet and clean it is for low income and so are they. When I think of “low income,” I think of the slums of Springfield, MA where I lived in the late 80s and early 90s, and the projects in Norwich, CT that I was in back in early ’92 that landed me in the psych ward with a breakdown before flying to Arizona. It was a totally maddening circus. Yet when she showed me a pic of the beautiful view outside her window, there were no screaming kids and welfare bums loitering about.

Tom said he doesn’t think the Austin visitor was Molly or connected to her because of the way so many IP#’s are routed from the same area. Andy thinks it is, though. The only thing that shoots down the idea of it being her or connected to her is the fact that they only went to Prosebox. Molly usually makes her rounds by trying to get into all my journals in hopes of one of them suddenly being public again. I’m not sure what to think, but for now my current journal can stay friends only. Past stuff can be public or members cuz I don’t care if she can see that. I don’t want her knowing what’s going on with me right now. Why, I don’t know. There’s nothing I’m saying that she or anyone else could use against me, but instinct is telling me to keep the here and now a mystery to her (even though I already miss being at least members only and the fun of seeing who comes around). That’s all she’d be interested in anyway. I guess my reasons are not to give her the satisfaction of being able to find out if I’m mentioning her or our mutual friend. Then again, that friend isn’t so mutual anymore. She’s still my friend, but not hers. 

We’re on for the 24th as for when they’ll be installing the new carpet. So this worn-out dark brown crap in here has just one week left to live, yippee! 

Was out walking and running for 54 minutes just to burn a lousy 225 calories according to what I just calculated online. I'd have to work out at least 3 hours a day to be able to eat enough not to feel like I was starving and still lose weight. No thanks! 

Noticed my hands and feet swell up when I’m working out, but read that this is normal. It goes back down after I’m done. 

Later… 

Although I already miss it, I cut out my sparkling fruity waters even though they had 0 calories, 0 caffeine – 0 everything – to save a little more money so we can use it for other things. $10 a week may not seem like much, but when you think about it, that’s $40 a month. A little does add up, believe it or not. It’s why I work MT. People may think it’s not worth it for a few bucks a day, but that few bucks a day is over a hundred a month and over a grand a year. Imagine getting an extra grand in taxes each year? You’d take it if you could, and well, so would I. 

I said last night I’d have to be out running and walking 3 hours every day to lose weight and still eat enough to avoid feeling like I was starving, Well, fitnessblender.com has these 90-minute workout videos that burn about 1000 calories. Before being diagnosed with a dead thyroid, these videos got me in great shape, increased my stamina and increased my flexibility. But they failed to get any weight off even with dieting. I’m curious as to how they may affect me now that I’m on medication. I’d still have to eat less, but maybe one of these days I’ll give it a try. 

When I’m out and about in public, be it at the grocery store or any other store, I see so, so many people half my age and twice my size. I realize that for 48, I could be doing a lot worse than I am. 

I’m looking forward to getting out for an hour this evening. My motto is that if I can’t improve what I’ve got, I can at least try to maintain it. :) 

Tom re-routed the Internet wires from coming up through the floor to going in through the wall. He couldn’t go up into the wall from the floor because then he’d hit the steel frame that the house sits on. So he dove straight in through the wall. It looks much better this way and it also gets more wires out of the rats’ reach. 

I keep forgetting to write about what snippets of dreams I remember. The last few I remember is being outdoors at the crack of dawn in a cold snowy and totally dismal place. I was on a street lined with two-story, close-set houses. The ground was more slushy than snowy and I watched snow mixed with rain as it fell upon the electrical wires overhead. As they hit the wire I could see tiny sparks of electricity almost like the wires were super hot and it boiled the drops of water as they would hit it. 

In another dream scene, I was in an indoor swimming pool somewhere and was chatting with a young woman with blue streaks in her hair who sat at the edge of the pool, dangling her feet in the water. She was heavy, but not ugly. I could tell that she kind of liked me but I wasn’t interested in her in that way. I just wanted to know how I could get purple streaks put in my own hair, haha. 

Tom and I were at the beach in another dream, but it wasn’t anything like Hawaii. It was gross cuz not only was the shoreline a bit rockier with thicker grains of sand, but many people on the beach had large dogs and so there were piles of dog shit all along the shore. 

Tammy shared a few pics of her new place and I would never guess in a million years it was low-income! She wouldn’t either, she said. It’s beautiful! She’s got a helluva view and the place is bright, open, spacious, and sunny. 

She says it’s very quiet even though there are people living above her. As I told her, that would change if I suddenly moved in, guaranteed. LOL, I’m a magnet for noise. So much so that I’m thrilled to have quiet neighbors for the first time in over 20 years, though I do hear vehicle doors over there a few times a day mostly between 8am - noon. If next door was suddenly attached to us I’d hear everything and I mean everything. TVs, cabinets, footsteps – you name it, I’d hear it. If they were suddenly attached to anyone else they wouldn’t hear a damn thing. 

Andy should be lucky his neighbors who just had a baby aren’t going to be there forever. If I were suddenly living in his place they’d be broke and stuck there indefinitely. 

Anyway, Tammy still has a lot of setting up to do, so I’ll call her tomorrow. 

Meanwhile, I wonder if we’ll end up there someday. Maui seems highly unlikely unless we’re surprised with either winning big, suing the shit out of someone, or stumbling upon a goldmine, all of which is seriously unlikely. 

I just wish I could stop worrying about the future so much! If it were that easy to just not worry unless or until something bad happens, I would do it, and so would tons of other worrywarts out there. But there is no magic switch in my head I can reach in and flick, nor are there any words I can tell myself. I just worry the shit will hit the fan again soon enough. We’ve been doing well for just over 2½ years now, though I still worry that things will go wrong in time. You can think you’re doing everything possible to help protect yourself against physical or financial problems, but then unforeseen things have a way of jumping out at you. Things you have little to no control over. Things you can’t just fix in a few weeks or even a few months. Tom and I don’t seem to skin our knees in life; we break bones instead. 

So will we move to Florida someday if we don’t lose this place? That remains to be seen. Too many things can change in the next 13 years before he retires. It’s going to depend on a lot of things – how our health is, what inflation is like, if our retirement money is there, etc. That’s another thing I worry about is our retirement money. Will it really be there? Our pension money wasn’t, and the government’s proven to both us and millions of others that it doesn’t give a shit if its own lives or dies. Tom says there are laws to protect people’s retirement funds, but guess what? Laws change. We’re supposed to be getting almost what he makes today, and at 65 I’m supposed to get 50% of what he gets, but that may change because there is more and more separatism these days in marriage. 

I don’t know why people bother getting married in the first place if so many of them have the “what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours” attitude they often have. I pity the spouse that gets laid off or ends up disabled, knowing how pitiful unemployment/disability benefits are because no one wants to support their spouse today as it’s “not their responsibility to be anyone’s caretaker.” The first thing people look for when seeking a permanent partner these days is how much money they make. It’s sad that they don’t see beyond what’s in the bank and into their hearts and minds. Thank goodness I’m not broke and single, cuz even if I were young, slim and gorgeous, I’d have a helluva time nabbing anyone no matter how kind, smart or mature I may be. I’m truly, truly beyond blessed to have a guy like Tom who wouldn’t think a damn thing differently of me if I were suddenly burned in a fire or rendered in a wheelchair for life.