In about an hour, I’m going to take the laptop and hang out in back of the house for the day. No one’s been sawing and there wasn’t any landscaping yesterday, but Bob is constantly doing shit in his garage and even if most of the sounds are subtle little bumps and bangs, it is both annoying and distracting when I am trying to focus on my work. I went to sit and read outside in the fresh air and I could swear I smelled some chemical coming from his garage, like maybe paint. 

Today’s Tuesday, so there will be landscaping noise because the house across from us is on for today. Then there’s whatever the park decides to do. 

These doctors, nurses and appointments are really starting to overwhelm me and I’m tempted to just ignore the phone for the day and give myself a break. I asked Tom if he thought they really cared and were trying to help me or if there could be some sort of conspiracy going on I might not know about connected to insurance or something like that. He said it’s mostly that they just don’t want to be sued and that by sending me to a specialist they’re safe. 

My endo’s nurse ended up calling and I told her that now that I felt better, I wasn’t sure I wanted to go making any more changes too soon. As they say, why change what works? She agreed I sounded a lot better. I don’t know that the dosage I’m on may not give me trouble later on, but for now, I am enjoying the fact that I feel better. I am just afraid to try any new psych pills that might end up being a real mind fucker like the Prozac was. 

She told me to relay the same information to my PCP and I did. Then the PCP leaves a message on Tom’s phone, and Tom Skypes me to tell me to give her a call. So I called and ended up talking to her directly, and she pointed out that I had anxiety before the Prozac. That’s very true, but as I tried to tell her, the first time I went on the levothyroxine there was still some life left in my thyroid and those pockets of activity that flared up were what caused my severe anxiety, and that I was not normally anxious to that extreme. As long as I’m not on the wrong medication or too high of a dose, there is no crisis. I’m just not sure either doctor understands this. I’m not sure if it’s just because they don’t know me very well or what. 

I have had many instances of stress in my life and the worst thing it has done to me is cause me to have the runs and restless sleep, not feel like I’m going to panic and go out of my mind, or like my heart is about to jump out of my chest and I feel like I’m going to suffocate. That all started last year after they raised my levothyroxine dose. As they also say, though, we can explain something to someone but we can’t make them get it. I suppose that if I keep explaining it, sooner or later it will sink in, but I’m not that patient. I can kind of see why they may think I come across as more anxious than I actually feel at times. I’m naturally energetic and that may be taken as somebody who always has bad anxiety. 

Nonetheless, it won’t kill me to tell the same damn thing to a counselor on the 12th and then to a shrink in July even if we’re the ones that have to pay for it in time, gas, and money. Unless my PCP and endo pull strings to get me in sooner, which is what they would like to do. I don’t know how to tell them, “It’s okay guys. I’m off the Prozac. I don’t want to kill myself. Relax!” 

There is still a risk of an anxiety flare-up, however, because other things in life can cause that, and I don’t know that my thyroid is 100% dead yet. I slept great last night and didn’t get raced awake by my heart, be it due to anxiety or menopause or whatever. 

To add to my already growing list of appointments, my PCP wants to see me in a month. I have no idea why. What must I see her for in a month that I can’t tell her online or by phone? Just because some of us have money doesn’t mean we want to throw it away frivolously. Every time I have to see a doctor or specialist it costs us. $25-$35 may not seem like much, but it adds up in time. 

I had a dream that Tom and I were in Boston. It definitely couldn’t have been on a vacation because that’s the last place we’d go. However, we stayed at a hotel in which I knew that Mary G/D and her mother worked. In reality, I want nothing to do with her and I don’t see that changing in the future after the way she used me so badly for many years from jail and then decided she didn’t need me afterward while throwing some false accusations at me on her way out of my life. She was an extremely needy, naïve and paranoid person. She’s probably still using some abusive rich guy to feed her shopping addiction. 

Regardless, in the dream, I met up with her mother who was half the age she would be in real life. She had long straight silver hair but it didn’t make her look old or ugly. She knew who I was and she didn’t seem to like me at all. I don’t remember what she said but she started voicing some rather judgmental opinions about me about something or another. I eyed her pregnant belly with disgust and a little judgment of my own, knowing that she got knocked up by Mary's present boyfriend, and told her to let Mary know that I was around before I turned and went back to my hotel room.