Bad news. News I wouldn’t dare tell Tammy or anyone else.

The statins backfired on me. Just when I thought I had it made, too. I noticed I felt more on edge than usual last night. I wrote it off to just being nervous about it being the start of the workweek and him having to work every single day, even though it seemed a bit extreme since my anxiety has been mild since January.

I went to bed and told myself I’d feel better in the morning, especially since I wouldn’t be getting up too early, and therefore wouldn’t feel like I had as many hours to be alone. But I lied to myself as much as Dr. A apparently did when she told me it couldn’t cause anxiety. Well, it can. It’s rare, but according to what we found online, it very well can. Even the pharmacist was dishonest, in a sense, by saying it couldn’t kill me. You can actually have a life-threatening allergic reaction from it.

I felt an underlying sense of anxiety since getting up at 10:30, but managed to get through the day’s planned housekeeping. Then just after 2pm, my heart pounded into the 130s. Well, Fitbit showed it at 135, but online it was averaged out to 116. I don’t wear it round the clock, but mostly when I sleep instead. It was too fast and too hard. Let’s just put it that way. This isn’t my only symptom. I’ve also been shitting my ass off.

So Tammy and Karen in Texas were right… statins CAN cause anxiety. Why did Doc A lie to me? Now I’m wondering if I should get another doctor, though I hate to have to put myself out and start all over again with yet another doctor. She should’ve told me anxiety was unlikely but possible.

Because I panicked and called Tom, he suggested seeing Stacey again, and I might if it doesn’t ease up soon. I’m hoping it won’t take 3 months to recover since I didn’t take it for a month like I took the 88s for a month.

Although the attack didn’t last long, I had a horrible thought later on. It’s not likely, but what if I had a pocket flare and the anxiety is from my thyroid meds? God, I hope not! No tightness in the lungs, though, or funky emotions, so I’m still hoping it’ll dissipate soon… even though my problems are rarely short and sweet.

I’m 99% sure it is the statins, and this has taught me something, too. The weight I lost two summers ago was because of the statins, not the levothyroxine, which would explain why I didn’t lose weight last fall. The statins don’t just make me anxious; they lower my appetite and make me shit up a storm.

Another strange thing (though I don’t think this has to do with either drug) is that I can’t try to get myself off without my heart pounding like a motherfucker. In that case, there’s no anxiety involved; it just pounds like a possessed hammer.

I guess something up there doesn’t want me taking anything to keep me from a stroke or a heart attack, though Tom says there are alternatives to statins. Like what? And what’s to say they won’t cause the same problems? It seems I can’t take hardly anything without it fucking me up. I’m just tired of suffering! TIRED of it! We’ve almost been here 3 years and I’ve suffered about two-thirds of the time. As I told Tom, I worry I won’t make it to his retirement and to get out of here someday. He said I thought the same thing about the trailer. True, but you know what? I’d rather die of a sudden heart attack than live to suffer! You know that perfect vision I said I missed most from my youth? Not anymore! I miss not having anything worse than a bad case of stress. Never did I have anxiety like I’ve had the last two years.

I was hoping I’d feel calmer with age, but an article I read doesn’t suggest I will. It said that older people have more problems, so they worry more. Also, they take lots of medications, many of which can make them anxious. Not very promising, but I think I’ll feel better when Tom’s retired if I live that long. I miss the days of feeling smothered by his constant presence like when he was on unemployment. I used to love spending most of my time alone. Not anymore!

I was stunned when Tom read an article about a guy with arrhythmia whose heart was clocked at 310 BPM!

I’m not sure I can fully trust A. She’s going to leave me with sleeplessness and lightheaded issues (other than to do the carotid ultrasound) all summer long? And she’s going to tell me something can’t cause anxiety that can?

I messaged her, told her what happened, and that I was stopping the statins.

Tapping still helps, but it doesn’t get rid of the anxiety completely or keep it from returning when it does. Speaking of it, though, all of a sudden I feel fine again. breathes a huge sigh of relief I don’t know how long it’ll last but I’m THRILLED to say that I just noticed I suddenly went as calm as can be. No anxiety. It’s like it’s gone. Just gone. I’d be shouting for joy if Tom wasn’t asleep, but instead, I cry tears of relief after crying tears of frustration and depression. I hope the worst of it is over! Anxiety is THAT bad. I’d go blind and gain 100 pounds first. Still concerned with what the future may hold, but gonna enjoy this wave of calmness while it lasts.

Wonder if the Ylang Ylang helped at all. I just remembered that when the dentist and I were talking about oils, she mentioned lavender and Ylang Ylang having calming effects. I knew about the lavender, but not the Ylang Ylang, so I threw a few drops in the diffuser.

Managed to work out, though not as long as I wanted to. I was hot, flushed in the face, lightheaded, and my heart pounded.

Anyway, my carotid ultrasound has been rescheduled for 8am on the 16th. Just not sure what doctor I’m seeing at the sleep clinic. I was given one name over the phone, but another name has been checked on the pre-appointment questionnaire I received today.

As for my period… it’s getting stranger all the time. Had a spot last night, but absolutely nothing today. Still got sore boobs and lots of water on me, though.

I rearranged some areas of the laundry room, hallway, and bedroom. I’m a little tired and lightheaded to do much more than listen to my audiobook for the rest of the night, but anyway, I came across a couple of rocks, one of which I shouldn’t have saved.

The first one is a white rock I got in SoCal in the mid-90s. Hardly exciting anymore since I now live in the state.

But then there’s that quartzite rock from our Maricopa land. If the land was as cursed as it seemed to be, then was it wise to take the rock from it? My life may not have gotten nearly as terrifying there as it has here, but it was pretty damn shitty being a slave to the freeloaders and courts the way I was. They fucking owned me. I wasn’t me for most of the 5 years we were there. I was just a number.

In my dream notes, I wrote that I was bike riding at night and something about parked cars and Donna A, the old evil witch, but can’t remember any details. Oh well.