Bombed the house on this hot, dry day and saw Stacey during the two hours we had to be out of the house. Well, we only saw her for an hour or so, but it took a half-hour to get to Rocklin, and then we stopped at a drive-thru.

Stacey’s going to be doing EMDR therapy on me beginning on July 7th, which can take up to 8 sessions. When today’s session started I updated her on what’s been going on since I last saw her in January. I told her about the heatstroke on vacation, the lightheadedness I’ve been experiencing since April, the attempt to go back on statins, plans for a retrial, the anxiety that’s returned, etc. I haven’t, however, had much anxiety for a few days now. It’s only when the lightheadedness gets real bad that I start getting anxious, and then eventually depressed.

I’m just panicking too often lately. All I do is worry. I suffer or I worry that I’m going to suffer, and this is no way to live. I’m just tired of feeling like a first-class “mental case,” as I told Tom. Tom, who seems totally unbreakable. He assures me, though, that anyone can be traumatized, even him. I hope to hell he never is, but if God forbid he ever is, I’m sure he’d handle it a lot better than I’ve handled my own trauma. I feel like a wimp, even though I know I shouldn’t.

So Stacey wants to see how I do with EMDR sessions; to help lessen the negative effects of two years ago. I still would’ve had the perimenopause symptoms, for example, but she suspects that because my brain may not have processed the event, it has led me to have more anxiety than I might have otherwise had over the last two years, making even ordinary things harder to cope with. I don’t know much about it yet. She said something about blinking and tapping to process the memory on both sides of the brain. You use one half of the brain for creativity and the other half for things like processing math problems and stuff like that. Memories, however, are typically processed on both sides of the brain. My memory of that traumatic day is apparently stuck on just one side. This is a technique that’s been used on those in combat as well as others suffering PTSD after experiencing something traumatic.

So telling myself to just “smile” and “think positive” isn’t always cutting it for me. Believe me, I’d love to be able to relax and do just that and live with less fear, worries and anxiety. But it hasn’t been that simple. EMDR will hopefully turn 7/9/14 into what it is… just a memory, instead of something that negatively impacts much of my life. Too bad brains don’t come with delete buttons! Life would be so much simpler that way.

As I told her, I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know what I believe. Is there something up there punishing me? Something about this house? Or is it just random? Tom and Stacey think it’s just random, and I guess they’re probably right. If we all lived the same lives with the same experiences, that would suggest some sense of order, but since some people have better lives than I’ve had while others have worse, it suggests randomness.

Jackie (across the street) moved today and my fingers are crossed that we’re in for people as quiet and as respectful as the women that recently moved in next to them. Really, REALLY hope they don’t have a motorcycle, are company junkies or are obsessed with doing all kinds of outdoor projects! Time will tell. I’m definitely not as worried as I would be if we weren’t in a retirement community. Fido isn’t going to be outdoors 24/7 and barking up a storm every time they go out so that much is good. Sure wish this could be my biggest concern right now. Yeah, some of my old problems, like worrying about neighbors, really seem like nothing nowadays.

For now… goodbye Jackie and good luck. We never met, but you were a good neighbor who was only “noisy” when you had workers clean up the water damage caused by your old hot water tank.

Was thinking of deactivating my Google+ account since I never use it, but haven’t decided. I just have no use for it and it’s a rather annoying and complicated thing to use anyway. My Blogger entries auto-post there, but that’s not necessary.

Ordered some stuff on Amazon, including toothpaste like Restore (which they no longer sell) that’s supposed to help close up cavities. Restore was great. I never should’ve stopped using it, but we were pretty broke back when I was first told about it. It was even better than what the dentist gives me and it’s a bit cheaper, too. It’s called Squigle Tooth Builder and it has great reviews.

I also decided to bring back a little of my old artistic side that went dormant the more technical I became over the years. I was into singing, musical instruments, dancing, painting, and drawing before I got hot and heavy into computers, writing and languages. I’ve always been into writing and languages; just not like I have been since the 90s. So I got some sculpting clay and tools.

Got a couple of cute pairs of leggings too, though I don’t know if they’ll fit. If they don’t, I can always return them. One is pink shiny “mermaid scales.” The other has jellybeans printed on them.

I also got a set of light blue Egyptian cotton sheets. I’ve heard good things about those types of sheets and always wanted to try them. So we’ll have that, plus the plum flannel sheets I just got. Anything but that thin crappy microfiber, and jersey material that shrinks like crazy.

Was thinking of going in for CampNano in July but I don’t know that I can focus on that right now. The book I’ve been working on since April probably would’ve been done by now if I didn’t have so much going on, so I don’t know that I’ll even finish that. It’s too bad too, because the story was coming along well.

The light on my toilet, even after changing the batteries, is staying on and we can’t figure out why. It still flushes, though. Tom emailed American Standard and asked why.