Met with Stacey today in Rocklin. I’m going to miss the hell out of her when I’m “cured,” so to speak, LOL. Seriously, is it possible to have a “crush” on someone you’re not attracted to? Stacey’s neither attractive nor ugly, but she sure has a helluva personality you can’t help but admire and feel comfortable with. It’s almost magnetic.

The waiting room there is huge but always empty, and Stacey’s never late.

One of the first things she asked me was whether or not I thought doing more EMDR would be helpful and I told her that I was already feeling more confident about things in general and so I wasn’t sure. So instead of doing more of that she basically asked me what next? What do I hope to accomplish next in life? As I told her, I don’t have any grand plans. Just to live in peace without any serious drama going on would be plenty good enough for me. Part of that should come from not having them give me different drugs/doses. I told her about the sore throat I had both of the times I started Pravastatin.

“My doctor blames too much, as many seem to, on anxiety. I could break a leg and she’ll tell me it’s anxiety,” I told Stacey, and she asked if I thought the doctor was a good match. Don’t see how I could really do much better, though she’s definitely better than my old doctor was.

“She was only good as eye candy,” I told her. She laughed at that one.

As for Doc A, eh, at best I can at least throw her in a story and kill her, haha.

I also had to admit it was kind of funny to end up seeing her because I was pretty much terrorized by the same drug she’s on. She’s on 50 mcg. That’s exactly the dose I would expect her to be on being that she probably weighs what I used to weigh… about 100 pounds. She was shocked when I told her how much I weighed. Muscle is heavier than fat. Her face is a bit dull and in some ways, she’s almost too skinny (we’re about the same height), but her skin is amazing for pushing 60. It’s flawless and void of wrinkles and sagging. I look like a roadmap on the other hand with all my veins and shit showing through such pale skin, but I absolutely cannot take the sun. Not without a pool and not for long even with one.

As I pointed out, what happened to me can and does happen on levothyroxine, but it’s not very common, so she need not worry about any racy hearts and emotional twisters of her own. Besides, she’s postmenopausal, so she doesn’t have the hormonal changes going on to help fuel that effect. “God help you if it ever does happen to you, though,” I told her, “as it will probably be your worst experience in life.”

We talked about family and I gave her a quick crash course of the main highlights of my life. Once she had a basic bio, she asked about Tammy and I told her she was pretty much the only family I had left after telling her about her health problems. She asked how her death would affect me and I told her that despite our past problems, it would definitely be an emotional thing for me. Although I think she still has a lot of life left to live, I can’t deny that I can’t “see” her here just like I couldn’t see myself ever seeing my parents again when they walked out our Phoenix door in 1997. Still got a bad feeling for when she’s about 62 – especially 63 – but hopefully it doesn’t mean anything.

I told her I never did or will forgive my mother, but my dad I’m kinda torn on. I hate how he let her control things so much, but it might be hard not to want to run into his arms if he suddenly materialized before me.

She asked other things like how long I’ve worked at home, and I told her about that and how I was on disability before I met Tom. She didn’t know that one till I told her. She asked if I considered myself disabled, and well, I’m pretty much disabled without being disabled. The sleep disorder keeps me from working, and not driving doesn’t help, but that doesn’t mean I can’t “work.” Just look at all I do here at home, after all. On top of that, I’ve written over 30 books and studied over half a dozen languages. So as long as I stay away from numbers and a few other things, disabled isn’t how I’d describe myself. She agreed.

She said she would guess I was very bright in school. That’s flattering, but it was actually the opposite. I did ok in science and English, but given the issues I had at the time and the fact that I catch on quicker if I teach myself things so I can go at my own pace, I didn’t do that well overall. These days I thirst for knowledge and I love to learn.

She asked about Tom’s health and my overall physical activity. Well, I skated around New England, twirled across the stage naked in Arizona, ran along the ice and snow in Oregon, and now I ride the hills of Cali on my bike. So yeah, I keep active.

She has family in Florida too, and she talked about how the summer humidity is a real killer there. That would be something that might stop us from moving there, but we’ll see.

After listing the states we’ve lived in, I said I sometimes wish we’d skipped Oregon and Cali and just gone to Florida from Arizona, but then I would always be wondering what it would be like to live here if we’d done so. Sprinkled in with the disasters were many fun and interesting adventures. “Batman,” Liz, Estella, Jane and Jan are definitely some of the most memorable people we met up in Klamath.

“But had we skipped K-Falls and NorCal, I never would’ve met you, Bob, Virginia, and others,” I told her.

“What did you used to do before the Internet days?” she asked me.

Uh… hang out with the wrong people and cause trouble. I told her I wasn’t very choosy back then and would pretty much be friends with anyone and put up with a lot of shit I wouldn’t put up with now. Yes, I’ll miss Alison at times. We had some good times. But I could never resume our friendship even if she wanted to because the trust is completely and totally gone.

Then she asked me if I ever got lonely working alone at home. Not usually, but sometimes I do. I told her why I’m hesitant to meet new people, and that friends can’t be forced any more than love can be. Tom wasn’t “planned,” and the best of friends that I’ve had, even if the friendship didn’t last forever, wasn’t sought out or planned in any way.

And then there’s my uniqueness to consider. I’m ordinary but not so ordinary at the same time, as I also told her. What many may find weird or even crazy is simply me just being me. Yeah, I do weird things. I don’t decorate “normally,” I don’t dress my age, and my brash ways can really put a lot of people off and I know that. But it’s just me being me, not meant to offend anyone. Many people would rather hear what they want to hear than the truth, as was the case with Aly. I tell people what I’m really thinking and that’s just not always acceptable in our society.

There’s also the fact that most people are running around looking for duplicate copies of themselves. It’s fine to have some common ground, but Tom and I are just one of the few people who believe in the “opposites attract” thing. As he once said, he brings a little calmness into my life while I bring a little wildness into his. We balance each other out nicely.

“You like people that are calmer, huh?” she asked.

“I’d say so, yes. People tend to either hate me or love me,” I told her, “and there’s very rarely any in-between.”

I also told her that I’m tired of being the one to usually reach out to people be it for the first time or to patch things up with those I’ve had problems with in the past. It hasn’t always been me, but most of the time it’s been on me. Look how many people I’ve looked up and contacted on Facebook compared to those who’ve looked me up. If that many people have looked me up, then they sure kept quiet about it. Seriously, I’m tired of being the one to reach out and apologize for my part in any past problems with whomever and hope they do the same and are willing to move on with me. Let’s see someone else, be it that I already know or that I’ve never met be the one to come to me first for a change.

Smart and calm is the type of person I usually gravitate to. You don’t have to have money and you can even have a dry sense of humor, but I like an overall decent and nice person who’s trustworthy and reliable. A mature person who’s just nice in general.

“But all the nice people are usually out of the question,” I told her. “They either end up being my therapist or halfway around the world.”

“Maybe I’ll be surprised,” she told me, and she does have a point. “Tom sure was a surprise.”

It isn’t that there aren’t any nice people in the park, but they just don’t “feel” right. At least not anyone I’ve met as of yet. Being friends with just anyone is like taking just anyone as a lover, and that never cut it for me. I honestly can’t see myself being “friends” with any of these people so much as just “friendly” with them. Since being in this state there haven’t been many people I’d consider being friends with Josephine and Michelle from the hotel, Doc Hottie, Shannon and Stacey. So basically, the ones that appeal to me as potential friends are the ones I do business with while the ones I live with are the dull ones. Go figure.

At the end of our session, she said something about how my childhood could affect and be related to many hardships I’ve had as an adult. Yeah, I figured that out decades ago. So if I didn’t think I needed to work on any past issues, did I want to see her again or not? she asked me. She said I could always come see her if I needed to, of course, or I could make an appointment.

I asked her what she thought would be best. Things have been up and down and unpredictable, but I’m hoping that things will finally stabilize for more than just a few months and that the past won’t return to haunt me. As Aly mentioned the other day, just when she thought things were going great, bad things happen.

Then she goes, “Well, the last time you thought it’d be best not to make an appointment…”

“…And look what happened,” I finished for her.

We both laughed and stood up. I visually scanned her tiny, windowless office as she made me an appointment for August 10th (OMG, a whole month off from appointments?!). Then being the nosy, curious person that I am, I asked if the cards she had on a pegboard were from patients, and she said yes.

My nosiness spilled over to the Internet and I did some more digging once home from the KFC we stopped at on the way back.

So Stacey’s Jewish and she’s been to Israel. Sometimes you can dig up more info if you run the names of people related to a person. When I was telling her I was named after my grandfather, she told me her sister Benne (pronounced Bennie) was named after their grandfather Ben. Found pics of her and other friends and family in Israel. Benne’s fat like me but better looking than Stacey. You almost wouldn’t think they were sisters.

On the ride home the answer to her question hit me. The one where she basically asked, “What next?”

Take back the park. Take back the enjoyment of living in a gated community, which my health issues had stolen from me, and not be afraid to go on the 2-mile runs I used to go on alone, weather permitting. Now that my anxiety has backed off, so has the fear. I’ve been able to circle close to home for quite a while now, but now it’s time to run the perimeters by myself. No more waiting till Tom can go with me.

Later…

The rats were hilarious this morning when I got up. They now know that they get a sliver of bread and lettuce when I get up. So they all raced excitedly to the upper doors of their cage. They practically tackled me playfully when I opened it and leaned in against the cage, especially Burke. He’s the definite leader of the pack. Anytime Simon or Dumbo tried to climb on me, Burke would nudge them aside, determined to get the most attention. He nips when he gets playful just like Romeo used to, but he’s harmless. Rats get bouncy and jump up and down when they get excited, and it was so cute to see. Although they’re still a little skittish, it’s nice to see them get more and more relaxed and to see them happy. They have an awesome cage in an awesome home. Next weekend is when we’re going to move Cappy in with them. This cage is so big it could easily house a dozen rats, though 4 is plenty.

Our new phones arrived but we probably won’t be able to use them till the weekend. Tom is going to pick up the cards to activate them tomorrow on the way home from work. They’re at Walmart. He’s working on Saturday, so he’s going to be pretty busy. Yeah, vacation’s over for both of us, LOL.

I hope that the new phones are easier to use. We’re going to get new numbers. We’ve been in Sacramento 3 years now and a Sacramento area code would be nice instead of an Auburn one. Besides, we’re going to be here for several more years. It shouldn’t be too much of a pain in the ass to update the number for those who need it. It’s simple enough, thanks to Facebook and email to give friends and family the number, and I can update it on Mercy’s portal, and on important websites. Tom can stop by and give it to the park, too. I like the idea of Andy, Paula and Aly not knowing my number, not that I expect them to ever call me, especially Paula and Aly.

My throat is better today, but I still feel traces of irritation. I wonder if it would be worse if I sat talking for 45 minutes to Stacey and then even longer to Tom like I did yesterday. I just hope it goes away and that it’s not the start of a whole new problem.

Eight days late on my period finally showed up. I figured it would. Really hope they stop soon. I’ve got to have less than 4 years to go because I’ve been irregular for a year or two now.

Later…

Was too tired to write any more about Stacey yesterday. The one thing I didn’t write about was that I think she may actually like me. Maybe not necessarily in a physical way, but it was just something I sensed. Not sure how much I trust my gut feeling, though, on this one. I once thought a therapist that came to see me on Oswego Street in Springfield back in my twenties had a thing for me with the way she would promise to show me her biceps and shit like that, but then I found out I was wrong. I would like to think that 25+ years later I’m a little smarter than I was back then, though.

It wasn’t so much anything Stacey said but her body language instead. Again, I’m probably reading her all wrong. After all, wouldn’t she have remembered that I went on a cruise, had a heatstroke, and hadn’t seen my sister in 25 years? Unless she just realized that she likes me - and yes, sometimes these things do take time - I would think it’d only be natural to remember more of what they said. She doesn’t take notes, though, while we talk like other therapists I’ve had do.

Another thing that doesn’t support my so-called “gut” feeling is the fact that she said she hasn’t been to my blog. Well, wouldn’t she be curious if she liked me? I don’t think I could have that kind of self-control and restraint. I would be curious about what info and pictures I could dig up on the person, but I’m an info whore regardless of who it is. Still, the more you like someone, the more you’re curious, right?

I wouldn’t be surprised if she acted just the opposite the next time I see her. I’ve had various people in various places and situations give me what I think are these hints only to be the exact opposite the next time I see them. She may even appear kind of cold, but we’ll see. It’s hard to imagine such a calm easy-going person being cold, but she might seem more distant in a sense.