Spotted a new account that kinda reeks of Aly on Prosebox. It’s written Aly-style and says things she would say like giving up keeping an online diary for a while because it’s hard to invest in something like that without the drama. Also, she won’t expect certain responses but won’t get upset when she doesn’t get them either. She needs “freedom” in her diary, too.

That last statement is the only thing that makes me wonder if it’s really her. Certainly, she’s smart enough to know that if you want true “freedom” then you have to go private or stay offline. Nobody has the “freedom” to express themselves in public without offending someone somewhere, even if it’s with the most innocent of topics. So to expect “freedom” in a public diary is naïve.

I also can’t believe she’d call her diary just “Diary,” but we’ll see. There you can follow people without them knowing it, so I followed her and we’ll see what happens. If it’s her she won’t stick it out for long. I should probably just play it safe and block her, but now I’m curious. If it’s her, she’ll be smart enough to figure out who “Peyton” really is if she finds me, and she’ll tell Kim, and then they can go back to playing their blocking game. I don’t want to give them that privilege if I can help it.

Then again, with my luck, they never planned to return after I changed accounts to know they could no longer block an account that no longer exists. Had I kept my old account, they’d still be there.

Slept horribly last night, and without lorazepam. The doctor did say that sometimes things like that can make a problem worse, and I have no immediate appointments, so there’s no need to take it. Really thought I’d sleep longer. Instead, I fell asleep later than yesterday, woke up 6-7 times, and got up at the same time as yesterday. I slept roughly 6 hours and got up once to pee, and woke up warm a couple of times. I don’t know why I woke up the other times.

Despite being super fatigued, I was unable to nap. So I’m doing things in spurts as I get bursts of energy.

Some of my Fitbit info is a crock. It always tells me it took me 0 minutes to fall asleep when it’s usually 30-60, and it tried to tell me I only woke up once last night. I don’t think I’ve woken up just once in years.

At this point, if he can’t get me on a schedule, fine. I just want to sleep! I want to be awake. I want to do things and to live my life without feeling so damn out of it.

The only good thing is that yesterday I noticed my boobs weren’t so damn sore anymore. Right now I feel faint traces of phantom cramps, as I call them.

So I guess I’ve had heart failure without the failure, and hot flashes without the perimenopause. Seriously, though, my symptoms really do smack of perimenopause. Tom and I both agree I probably really do have perimenopause and that I just had a good estrogen level on the day of testing. The symptoms are just too obvious, just like it was obvious that the levothyroxine was making me anxious. So Doc C didn’t believe I was thyrotoxic and Doc A doesn’t think I’m a perigirl.

Doc C is now married, and let me guess… her sex life is just perfect, right? She just seems to be one of those who has it all, even though logic tells me no one’s life is ever perfect. But just how “hard” or unique are her so-called hardships? Was she ever poor? Was she ever afraid to drive? Could she ever not keep a schedule? Was she ever forced into celibacy for long periods of time due to attracting the wrong people and not getting enough interest from the right people? Did she ever spend any of her teens as a ward of the state?

Perfect or near-perfect life or not, love can last, but passion dies over time. They’re not going to lust for each other the way they do now in another decade or two.

I’ve had more orgasms with this little pink vibrator than I’ve had in a year, which is nice, but a little sad. It’s a little sad that developing an even bigger crush on Stacey’s sister has increased my libido (till that fizzles and fades), but even if I were with someone I was hot for, I suppose there’d be no guarantee they’d be available when the hornies struck. But yeah, even though Lisa’s pic isn’t that great, she seems better looking than her older sister and has been a great muse for The Wrong Sister.

Last night I dreamed of visiting Andy in prison. He was in on child pornography charges. Then I walked with him to a part of what I guess was the prison where music was playing really loud. I turned a round wooden dial on the wall and lowered the volume.

I also changed the rats’ cage in a dream and used these gross sticky lettuce leaves to line the cage while the rats “vibrated” in a steel basket nearby. I laughed at the way it rattled.

Then Kate Jackson was in a dream. Not sure what that one was about. It seemed she was finally ready to divulge something to me that I had been curious about and that she’d been holding back on.

Lastly, I was asleep in the bedroom I had in the house I spent my first 12 years in. I woke up to the sound of loud music playing in the bathroom. I got up to investigate and found no one in it and so I turned the radio off that was sitting atop the counter before it could wake the others up. The other 3 bedroom doors were shut and I knew my parents and siblings were asleep behind them, even though I was my present age.