Was today another noisy day? Well, of course it was. Landscaping here, landscaping there… landscaping everywhere, every single fucking day.

I kind of wish it was bedtime now because I’m bored. I’m at that point in my day where I’m no longer awake enough to do anything productive, but I’m not tired enough to fall asleep yet either.

Instead, I’m sitting here wondering why my joints are so stiff. This time it’s my other hip and I have a little stiffness in my lower right back.

I’m also sitting here thinking of how it’s almost always been me that initiated friendships and relationships and even just casual conversations be it online or offline, and how that gets to me at times. It just bothers me that not as many people have cared to seek me out as much as I cared to seek them, even if it’s just to say hello.

But then I realized that hey, maybe this is just the one way I was meant to be a leader in life. For some reason, I have been “designated” to be the one to make the first move, even if I don’t always get very far. I’m not sure I like that any more than I like the idea of being a follower. I’ve never had any desire to be a leader in life or a follower, though I’ve been forced to be a follower many times by circumstances beyond my control.

Seriously, I was obviously meant to be a real leader in this way for whatever reason, plus I also realize that not everybody cares enough to remember names like I do, nor do they have the ability to if they did. Furthermore, they probably don’t have nearly 30 year’s worth of journals to refer to for any names they might have forgotten.

Either way, if patterns hold true to themselves then I should never hear from Stacey again unless I contact her. My head says not to bother but my heart is curious. I can’t believe even a friendship would come of it but there’s still a part of me that feels it’s hard to believe it wouldn’t. Not that she would intentionally do any such thing, but I’ve been led on by women before, so this is why I’m hesitant to bother with her. Again, not that it’s her intention to lead me on, but women have gotten my hopes up in ways that men never have, for even just a friendship. Then again, I don’t know if I can fairly make that comparison when I haven’t been interested in very many men in my life.

I just wish I knew what she was open to. Does she have any particular hopes for us? I will admit that a part of me, even if it’s a very small part, has sometimes wished for a woman on the side to spice things up and add variety to my life. It isn’t that my life is bad or that I feel I’m missing anything; but more like me being open to any fun and interesting additions.

But just how open am I really to anything more than friendship? That’s the one thing I’m not sure of, and I guess no one ever is unless they’re actually in that situation and have to make a choice.

I’m guessing that the only thing she would be open to is meeting in her office, and I would certainly be okay with that if I knew for sure that she didn’t have anything else in mind, and I’m still guessing that while she gave me every indication to believe that she’s attracted to me (no, I definitely didn’t imagine that), she would remain professional. If even friendship is forbidden between a counselor and a former patient, I just can’t believe she would risk her license and career even if she may be coming to the end of it, just because someone might have noticed her in a way she probably hasn’t been noticed for years. Would I really be worth it to her?

If only I knew what she wanted because then I would be willing to work with that as long as she didn’t have any ridiculous expectations in mind, and again, I just can’t imagine her of all people wanting more than I could give, let alone wanting what I could give.

Only time will tell for sure as things play themselves out over the upcoming months, years… whatever. For now, I can just guess that if I ever do see her again it will be in her office.

When I call her on Valentine’s Day, because I know she’s not going to call me first, I was thinking I might let her know that I miss her and see if she suggests I come to see her. I thought I would also see if she was open to texting or email.

So yeah, I’ll “lead” the way by calling Stacey and being told that I’m welcome to come and see her, but that text or email is not an option, even though she seemed quite pleased when I gave her my contact info, and even though she was clearly attracted to me.

I suppose I shouldn’t think that negatively. After all, I never would have believed that someone like her would be attracted to me in the first place, yet she is. I just don’t want to get my hopes up for nothing, even though it’s not like I’m going to ball my eyes out if things don’t go my way. I’m not the person I was 15 years ago when Johnson fucked with my head. But why invest the time?

If I see Stacey, great. If not, I will always appreciate the help she gave me and I will always have her memories to cherish.

I think it’s her not going to my blog, and her asking if I would be okay with not meeting a certain woman that’s got me thinking a little negatively.

Foolish or not, though, I am thinking positively more than I’m thinking negatively where she’s concerned because she gave off more positive signs than negative signs.

I just wish I knew if she’s got it in mind to call me after a certain amount of time has gone by, or if she’s hoping that I’m the one to make the first move.

Well… I’m 99.9% sure that I’m going to be making that first move.