Here we go again with the blasting TV. Can
anyone else hear this shit? What the hell is wrong with people? Remind me never
to give a shit about who might be put out by anything I do. If they’re not
giving a shit about me, I’m not giving a shit about them.
That last sentence is something I should
apply to Aly as well, but it’s still a little easier said than done. Sad, huh?
I’m the girl who always preached not having anything to do with those who
weren’t good to us, yet I still miss her at times.
A part of me is tempted to tweet her happy
birthday on the 17th from my main account on the off chance she actually talks
to me. If not it will certainly surprise her and maybe even piss her off and
ruin her birthday at least a little. That’s another thing I still have mixed
emotions about; I want to see her hurt for hurting me, but then I hope that she
can finally get over the past, move on, and talk to me every now and then.
If I do it and I don’t get a reply from Aly
and then Kim starts blocking me - no problem. I’ll just dump that account and
create a new one. I’m not going to let Kim have the fun of blocking me unless
Aly and I ever are connected again.
Later…
I spontaneously decided, though I’m not
sure why, to write this message to Lisa which I gave to Tammy to forward to
her. Really hope I don’t end up regretting it, but as always, when people get
to us, if they get to us, there’s always the beauty of ignoring them. I’d
rather not have to do so, but I won’t hesitate to cut the whole family off
again and for good if I ever feel it necessary to do so. As far as I’m
concerned, everyone but Tom is potentially dumpable. I’ve simply grown too old
and too impatient to fight with people when I can simply not have anything to
do with them. I don’t work with these people and I don’t live with them, and
therefore I can avoid them if I ever feel I’m getting more negative out of
being connected than positive.
Hi Lisa,
I hope you are doing well and that you
don’t mind that I asked your mom to piggyback this message to you. Usually,
when I cease to communicate with friends and family or they cease to
communicate with me, that’s the way I prefer it to stay. And it has remained
that way with aunts, uncles and cousins of mine, including some old friends.
Perhaps I shouldn’t be writing this to you,
and you have my word that I will continue to respect your wishes if you choose
not to contact me because the last thing I want to do is bother people who
don’t want to bother with me. I may miss them, but I don’t want anyone in my
life who doesn’t want to be in it.
I just want to tell you in my own personal
words why I haven’t contacted you until now. I would like to offer you an
explanation and an apology for my part in the disagreement we had something
like seven years ago or whenever it was.
We seemed to be getting along fine and then
one day out of the blue you surprised me with a sudden verbal attack accusing
me of lying to my parents in a letter to them about when we first started
talking.
I was angry at the time, hun, because as I
would think most people would agree, I didn’t appreciate being attacked and
accused when you could have simply and calmly asked me, “Hey, they say you
mentioned us talking at such and such a date when I remember it to be a
different date, is that true?” I would have gladly answered that question for
you, and for whatever it may be worth after all this time, I didn’t think I
mentioned any date at all because it seemed rather irrelevant. When I checked
my letter file to them (I used to save all my letters to them) I was able to
confirm that no, I did not mention any date; just that we talked. My parents
weren’t very sound of mind in their final years and I can see where they may
have given you false information while believing in their minds that it was
accurate. You jumping on me like you did instead of asking me was the ONLY
issue I had with you. You didn’t do anything else wrong.
But I was wrong to go and write about our
dispute in my journal like I did when I should have kept it between us, and for
that, I owe you my sincerest apology. You can always ask me about anything
anytime you have any doubts about whatever, and I’ll keep anything personal out
of my journal. You have my word on that one, and again, I’m very VERY sorry for
publicly tearing into you like that.
I’m perfectly okay with not hearing from
you and I’m perfectly okay with hearing from you. Meaning I totally respect and
accept whatever decision you make. I just wanted to finally share what’s on my
mind. I thought about it several times but kept putting it off, not sure if I
should or not. But now I’ve shared my thoughts and it’s up to you to do as you
wish with them. :) Hun, I think we both screwed up, we were both going through
some nasty times, and we all make mistakes in life. Like I said, you don’t have
to talk to me if you don’t want to. You don’t even have to forgive me. I just
wanted a chance to be heard. :)
Lastly, I’ve seen you in a few pictures (I
know you recently visited your mom) and you look fantastic! Whether I hear from
you or not, I wish you the best of luck, health and happiness in life, Lisa! :)
One of the pictures I’m referring to is one
in which Lisa stood between the other girls. The other girls wore black tops
and black shorts, and even though they were dressed in solid black, which seems
to be their only color, they looked absolutely horrible. You could still see
all their rolls and bulges, and I can’t for the life of me understand, whether
it’s their fault they’re this big or not, how they can live. How do you get
around when you’re that huge? God, I hope I’m never that big! No wonder they’re
always single. Becky and Sarah may be roomies for life.
I still don’t understand why they don’t
lose the weight. Is it really that impossible or do they just not mind it? I
always used to believe that anyone who got that big obviously didn’t mind or
wanted to be that big, but I’m still a little surprised they don’t take
advantage of their youth and faster metabolism and go on a serious diet. It
would take them a long time, but unless they’ve got something medically against
them like I do with Hashimoto’s, they should be able to lose weight. If not for
their appearance, then for the sake of their health. I might inquire about the
gastric sleeve in their case. They would certainly qualify, wouldn’t they?
All I remember for dreams last night was
that I had to choose between two heavy black women and one sort of heavy blonde
woman for something. I don’t know what that something was and I don’t know who
I chose.
Never did end up hearing that car, and
amazingly I haven’t heard it since I got up at 4 PM either.
Between 10:30 and 11:30 I should hear the
TV coming from the house across from Bob in Virginia. I can’t believe I’m
hearing people’s fucking TVs in this place. I can’t make out the words even
when I stand outside. I can only tell that it’s voices. When it starts up
tonight I’ll go out and see if I can pinpoint exactly where it is.
No vehicle at the Twenties, but someone
must have been in the house because one of the bedroom lights was on.
I hit the Bowflex for a while and then I
went out running. I love running after dark when there is less traffic and no
landscaping noise to spoil the peace. There were just a couple of dog walkers.
Those earbud microphones really annoy me at
times, though. I hear people talking as I approach them yet I can’t see the
earbuds right away, so I think they’re talking to me.
Some people are already putting out their
bulk trash that’s to be picked up on the 12th. We’re getting rid of the old
mattress they left here, plus some other stuff.
Had some anxiety last night, but I’m fine
today. Tom isn’t, though. He now has a full-blown cold. We’re pretty sure we
got it at the same time, but with my kick-ass immune system, my body killed it
like it usually does. It isn’t that I can’t get sick. I can. It’s just very
rare.