Second morning in a row I had to wake up to the sounds of landscaping. Maybe tomorrow I’ll sleep late enough to beat it.

The weather’s gorgeous today, but tomorrow and the next day we’re going to get rained on. This should be the last of the rain. It’s unlikely, but still possible, to get rain in May. It almost never rains between June and August, so that’s when we’ll do the roof. Gotta cut way back on non-necessities and next year’s vacation may be off the table. We were going to go to either San Diego or Hawaii, but it’s still too far out to say for sure.

We’ll keep this refrigerator, but we still want the dryer that matches our front loader, and we could definitely stand to replace this old oven. We don’t want to borrow from the retirement fund to do it, though. Everything else has been as updated as far as we’re going to update things for the length of time we’ve got left here.

Tom’s decided that by the end of the year, he’ll either be making more money or working someplace else. That may be easy to say, but it still feels like there’s a “Never Pay Tom Fairly” rule on him just like I was never allowed to have someone I was as in lust with as I was the young Kate Jackson. Some things really never do change.

I still have mixed emotions about this, too. On one hand, money isn’t everything, we have enough to pay for the necessities, and that’s what’s most important. On the other hand, I’m tired of him not getting what he deserves.

Although I’m starting to feel like I’m getting bloated and watery, I’m definitely going to be late if I get another period. 28 days from my last period would be the 12th and there’s no way I’m going to get a period then because I’m not PMSy enough now.

I wish I could know if I was done with periods and especially the anxiety. I think I would cry tears of relief if I suddenly knew I was, and then I would dry my eyes and be quick to celebrate. It’s been almost 3 months since I’ve seen Stacey, and I’m still hoping I never see her again (other than an occasional phone or digital communication), as much as we may miss each other at times.

I need to get new shorts because mine are snug. What worries me is that they say that your weight doesn’t only go up upon entering perimenopause but it also goes up once you hit menopause by 4-5 pounds, and that’s like 10-15 when you’re this short. I can’t afford to do that! Hell, I could end up at almost 160 pounds. I’d barely be able to bend over to trim my toenails! I’m 152 right now and would settle for just getting down to 145. That’s all it takes to make a huge difference. I barely look fat at 145 because I’m so weighed down with muscle. The only problem is I never seem to get to 145 these days unless I’m not well.

Last night I dreamed the black bitch and a couple of others found me. I don’t know where I was “found,” but when they entered some room I said, “I suppose this is when you go to kick my ass, huh?”

“No,” said the black bitch, “if I were going to do that it would’ve been done by now.”

Then I realized she wanted me to live so that she had a chance to screw with me.

Then I had a dream I was talking about styles of frames for glasses with another older woman before going on a scary elevator ride. I was alone in the elevator, and when it stopped, the ground was many feet below the doors. I immediately shut the doors and as I waited for what seemed like forever, the floor of the elevator started to buckle and all I could think was that I didn’t want to die that day.