I guess now is as good a time as any to write about my hellish morning. My dizziness came to a head but we’re pretty sure we have it under control now. The dizziness first started yesterday. As I was coming awake I was not only aware of that inward trembling sensation, but could also feel waves of dizziness washing over me even while I was still lying down. I could hear this strange ringing/whirring as well. I got up and it was really bad. I started to wonder if my good ear needed to be de-waxed. Even Tom suggested that. He’s had this problem so bad before that he couldn’t even get up and walk. So we threw the wax stuff in it twice as well as a round of peroxide and that helped a bit. I’m not perfect but I’m much better.

I slept better, so I’m not fatigued today. I did some cleaning and I rearranged the hutch. Skipped a third dose and started off a little less anxious. Until it picked up a bit later on (I haven’t taken lorazepam, though), I thought how being less anxious makes me worry my thyroid meds are more involved than I’d like to think, but then you don’t usually improve this quickly after cutting back either. It took me three months to recover when they tried me on a higher dose, but that was more extreme, so I don’t know what to think at this point. I keep going back and forth in my mind as to why the medication is probably involved and why it’s probably not. Tom’s theory is likely correct; it’s not just one thing but a combination of things that have made me anxious.

I also had the runs this morning and I have no explanation for that one. Something I ate? Just nerves? All I know for sure is that I’m so sick of suffering nearly every single fucking day. I don’t know how much more of this I can take before the fight goes out of me. It’s just too much at times. I can’t believe how much I’ve suffered in the last three years. I don’t think I ever would’ve believed it had someone told me I would suffer like this because I’m otherwise very fit and healthy. Yet I’m suffering like I’m old while people in their late 80s like Bob and Jim can go out walking every single day without fail. How fucked up is that? I’m getting to the point where I would rather get something life-threatening that just kills me rather than live to suffer.

Although I’m sure it won’t do me any good and I shouldn’t bother with those that don’t give a shit about me, I made one last-ditch effort to reach out to Alison, knowing that she can relate to a lot of what I’m going through.

I keep reminding myself that just like Stacey said, if I can have times when I feel less anxious, I can get back to that place again. Yeah, but when? And how often am I going to continue to suffer? It would still help to know how much of what is responsible for this feeling, especially the anxiety. Really hate to think it’s mostly the meds because I have to be on it for life. Yet it’s awfully hard to believe I could feel this way without some chemical being put into my body, and coincidence or not, I didn’t start feeling this way till a few months after starting the medication. Also, since going back to 75s for good, I haven’t had this particular type of chest anxiety until my TSH tested below 8. Again, the only thing that points away from the medication is the lack of lung tightness, the lack of weight loss, and the lack of a booming/racing heart. But I’ve got the anxiety and the runs.

Here’s another thing… if I really had Graves’ disease in my 20s then why didn’t I have this insane anxiety and not just an occasional racing heart that wouldn’t scare the shit out of me like it can now? I simply found it annoying. Not terrifying.

I’ve been racking my brains trying to figure out what could be causing what and to what extent. It does seem that the longer I go without a period, the more I’m likely to have anxiety.

As for the last of the bad news, though it’s nothing compared to the way I’ve been suffering physically and emotionally, the woodpecker is back because it just had to rain and wash the poison off the patio roof. Tom’s going to spray it again when he gets home.

Believe it or not, there is some good news. We finally got our stuff from Amazon after they fucked up and caused it to be delayed. The new horse curtains are gorgeous. I managed to hang them in the dining window. They’re a little wide for that window, but hopefully, if I survive to move someday, the next place will have a slider.

I also got my new electronic scalp massager and it feels great.