Slept well again but I really think it’s only because of the weather and also that the loud car hasn’t been around lately. I’m sure we’ll hear it this weekend for sure.

Had a major breakthrough with the rats, especially Fuzzy. He’s become way less timid and way more curious, friendly and social. First rat I ever had that started off so timid and seemingly hopeless that became so much fun. Tom thinks it’s because they were so much younger when we got them than what we usually get that I was able to train them. I can really see how the kid that trained Tinkerbell and made her the gem that she was got her used to being around people. She wasn’t bought from a chain but from a family-owned store in which the owners’ kids handled the babies.

I’m sorry I started off a bit regretful of getting the rats and will enjoy the short 2-2.5 years they live. What’s with Fuzzy’s curly whiskers, though? LOL, they’re pretty curly compared to most rats.

The rats have been here one month as of two days ago. Definitely want to start feeding them blocks soon after seeing how long the 3 stooges lived on them. Gonna go easy on unhealthy treats too, to help prolong their lives and keep them from gaining too much weight as they age.

While it would be better if it didn’t rain in case the roof decides to leak, it’s going to suck when it stops. It’s been keeping things so much quieter. But after today it’ll probably be back to tons of loud traffic and planes galore. :(

I’m still looking for some kind of fun activity to do mostly when I’m alone and don’t feel like doing anything else. Something I really look forward to doing that I’m not going to get sick of soon enough. It’s just that nothing that may have appealed to me in the past appeals to me now. So I think, think, think and my mind always comes back to role-playing where I basically play pretend as I would when I was a lot younger. Maybe “act out” some story ideas. In the past, I would make like I was hanging out and chatting with someone I may have wished I’d known or that was totally imaginary.

But what would I chat about with this imaginary friend that often? And how would it be any more entertaining than talking right here in my journal or on Bubbly?

Oh yes, Bubbly. I almost wish I hadn’t told Aly about that site. I realized she could find the second account I created if she ever decided to use the site regularly so I stopped using it. But I can’t know if she’s checking my main account there from time to time or not.

As crazy as it sounds, the idea of role-playing makes me hesitant because I would feel like I was being watched somehow. I know it’s ridiculous as who the hell would be watching? I’m sure Tom has no reason or desire to hide cameras and spy on his wife so I don’t know why I think I would feel that way, but I just do.

Thought of using my “pic powers” again as that would surely pass the time because that’s more than just pretend, but for some reason, I don’t think it’s wise to go down that road again after so long. Don’t know why I feel that way, but something just says it’s best not to bother.

As Tom suggested, I can always return to the clubhouse once the weather clears up. It’s just that they seem to want me to be consistent with workouts and I hated doing the routines to the same music every single time. Maybe I’ll just go at random times but not with a specific plan in mind. Perhaps I should try again to check out that arts and crafts thing. I did get the backpack for the supplies after all.

Still not sure what I’m doing for Camp NaNo in April but I’m doing something either way. For now, I’m just trying not to think…five more years. Five more long years is how much longer we have to be in this cold, noisy place. It’s better than jail and I know I won’t get much more peace no matter where we end up, but that still doesn’t mean I look forward to another half a decade in this place.

Or anxiety. Yeah, I was fine yesterday, but today, after going back on my meds after 2 days off, I’m a bit on edge again. :(

Glad to say I slept great and am less hungry today. Alexa played brown noise continuously in addition to my white noise on the stereo, and nothing woke me up. Don’t know if this means nothing loud went by or if I just happened to get lucky. Awfully hard to believe nothing loud went by between the hours I slept but I’ll keep doing this and we’ll see. No reason I couldn’t add the headband when I’m back to crashing really early in the morning. Hopefully, I won’t need the earbuds until we’re in a Florida hotel looking for a place to live and hopefully, it won’t be for nearly 9 months like the last state change. Gotta keep the Bluetooth plugged in, though, since I usually sleep 8-9 hours and its battery life is only for 5.

I’m amazed that I didn’t gain weight with the 2100 or so calories I had to have consumed yesterday. I think it’s most likely my body is still having some PMS symptoms even though I haven’t had a period in a while. Until I go over a year without one, I’m probably going to have some hormonal shifts where I exhibit symptoms of grumpiness, water retention, backaches or hunger which are the symptoms I would have most before periods.

Hunger usually means your body is burning extra calories and it’s true that I ate and ate and ate while my body burned and burned and burned most of it up. Seriously, I just couldn’t stop eating and for the first 10 hours of my day, nothing could quell my hunger. Finally, I had to convince myself to take a break before I got sick and it’s amazing that I didn’t at least get heartburn. I think it would help if I not only increased my water intake but protein as well. It’s just that protein usually has more cholesterol.

Liking to try new things, I got thin slices of beef which I fried in a skillet in a marinade sauce called Caribbean Jerk. I looked at the ingredients of different sauces and marinades because I don’t like anything too tangy or spicy, and it’s pretty good. The meat is a little tough, though.

Trying to make sure I drink at least two liters of water a day to keep hydrated. Tom said my “happy hour” dehydrates me, too. After being up for 12 hours, I have my own little happy hour and have a wine cooler. Then after I’ve been up 14 hours, I read for the last couple of hours of my day. So I have a schedule without a schedule. Today’s happy hour will be a homemade screwdriver.

Every now and then I feel a quick pulsing cramp in my right ear so it’s not 100% better. Plus, I’m still slightly off-balance but not much. A little tired because I skipped my meds twice. I’ll start them again tomorrow.

Looked back in my journals, and while I can see when we got the earbuds, I can’t tell if the head pressure began before or after getting them. I just wonder if it could be connected to whatever’s going on with my ears. I oiled them both and I’m going to have him do an alcohol and peroxide dump in the right ear when he gets up.

Just thought of another keyword to look for in my journal and yes, I did have the pressure in my head upon standing up before the earbuds hit the scene. I think it started at the beginning of last year. It was last June that we got the earbuds.

After doing some cleaning yesterday I had shoulder pain for about an hour in my left shoulder which I’ll be sure to note in my health blog.

After having a bit of a tough time getting ahold of someone at my dentist yesterday, Jessica answered and I was able to bump my appointment with Holly up a week since there’s no way I’m going to make our original appointment. My PCP appointment is fine, though, and I don’t need to reschedule her. If I push my schedule a little each day I could make Holly but that would throw me off for Doc A a few days later.

Kathleen’s voice is still on the outgoing message and I’m still wondering why people in their 50s and 60s would agree to get together with those they have no intention of getting together with.

Since it’s looking likely that we will need to get another car while we’re still in the state, he’s been looking on and off and I told him I had a vision that what we end up getting will be green and made in 2006, but I don’t know what it is. It’s definitely not a van but it may be either a large car or a small SUV. Can’t get the make and model or anything else.

I was watching a documentary about the Nostradamus Effect on Hulu which, depending on the way you interpret his writings, shows that he predicted two of the three Antichrists he saw. One was Napoleon, the other was Hitler, and supposedly the third Antichrist is now among us but may not know he’s the third Antichrist.

Then it explains The Rapture, something I learned about a long time ago, which I think is the most ridiculous of all the supernatural theories I’ve ever heard. I do believe in the supernatural to a degree and while I’m still not sure if there is a God or an afterlife, like millions of people are really going to suddenly disappear and tons of dead bodies are going to fly up from their graves to be sent to heaven? But if we don’t need bodies in the afterlife in the first place, why not just take their souls if there is such a thing? And what about those who have been cremated that were firm believers? Bunch of crap if you ask me, but if not, then I guess I’ll be around for the 7-year tribulation.

When you exclude weekends, holidays and vacations, Tom should now have less than 1000 days left to work before he retires. This doesn’t mean he might not get something part-time for extra money after we get settled in Florida, though. Having five more years to work seems like such a long time but I get his perspective. When he compares that to how many years he’s already worked, it seems like nothing. Well, let’s just say I’m glad time goes by faster when you get older!

Other than fatigue and that strange vibrating sensation in my head, it rained steadily all day yesterday and it’s been doing the same ever since I got up a few hours ago. It definitely didn’t rain like this in the desert! Not even in Oregon.

I found a random story plot/character generator and just for kicks I wanted to see what it would come up with for a character profile and it was pretty interesting.

Been having these tiny dry patches of skin once again on random parts of my body, so I looked them up and it’s usually not a sign of a disease (though it could be connected to being hypo or diabetes). It’s probably mostly age. Read that if you apply moisture while the skin is still damp it locks in moisture better, so I’m going to try this and see if it helps.

I also read that harsh soaps and overly hot water can cause dry patches, which makes sense. They say you only really need soap on your face, underarms, groin, feet and hands. But I like to scrub my skin with the buffing gloves to scrape dead skin off which can also leave my skin feeling dry yet the gloves slide better over my skin if I soap them up.

The best news… I’m better! Not perfect but much better than these last 2 days. What a relief! I’m so sick of suffering. I just want nothing to complain about other than noise for one solid week. Why is that so much to ask for in my early 50s???

Doesn’t mean my sleep is any less cursed. When whatever is cursing my sleep isn’t using traffic against me, it’s using my own body. I woke up with horrible hunger pains because I stopped eating six or seven hours before bed instead of three or four. We both binged in the morning after running to Walgreens, but I didn’t end up having much. I was hungrier later on but didn’t want to overdo the sodium since all I really have right now are frozen dinners, fruit and crackers, the last two of which aren’t very filling. So I didn’t have anything and woke up so hungry my stomach almost hurt. I got up and had a banana which didn’t do much for me but it was something.

Today I’m going to stuff the shit out of myself and probably go closer to the standard 2000 calories when I’m usually closer to 1,500. If I’m not that hungry, though, then I won’t eat since I only eat when I’m hungry. Also, if I’m sick or overly depressed or anxious I won’t eat then either. The last couple of days I hadn’t been that hungry which I guess is maybe because the pressure of dieting was off me. I still have a good many days where I’m pretty hungry, like today, and I don’t know why. I don’t have any medical conditions causing it but I have heard that most of us do get hungrier with age and I know I sure seem to. I know there are certain conditions and medications, like in the case of my buddy, that can have the opposite effect, but damn am I hungry a lot of the time! I’ve already consumed 800 cals in the 5 hours I’ve been up and I’m still hungry.

Read up on some of the possible reasons as to why and found not only some obvious explanations but that shitty sleep could be a factor as well. One thing that struck me as odd was that it could mean you’re dehydrated and that a lot of people mistake thirst for hunger. How the hell can you mistake thirst for hunger? Wouldn’t that be like mistaking period cramps for a toothache? Either way, I just guzzled some water and it seems to help a bit. I admit I didn’t drink much in the last few hours before bed as I didn’t want to wake up having to pee.

Anyway, we think that part of what made me feel bad overall was the dieting itself. I just can’t handle diets like I used to in my twenties and thirties. I need to eat when I’m hungry and not let it get too bad because the hungrier I get, the harder it is to get rid of. I will definitely never diet again for sure. It’s one thing to go easy on certain ingredients and avoid sodium and cholesterol as best I can, but I’m not cutting my calories down to 1200 or less again. It just makes me feel too shitty. If I had my old metabolism, I might be able to lose a little on 1500 as long as I kept active, but there is still the fear of how my medication may react to significant weight loss anyway. Bodyweight influences dose as well as the life of the thyroid and I don’t want to risk inviting it to pummel my heart all over again. There is nothing more terrifying than feeling your heart start pounding and racing in your chest when you’re home alone and not doing anything strenuous. You totally believe you’re dying of a heart attack.

I also think that being woken up so often is also affecting my health and as I told Tom, if we don’t solve my inability to sleep through traffic more often, then we need to move. I have no idea where the hell we would go since loud traffic is everywhere, especially in cities with warmer climates. But something’s got to be figured out once and for all because my ear can’t take the earbuds. If I could get myself to always lie on my back or my left side, I could handle them. It’s when I shift onto the ear they’re in that I have a problem.

I used the headband speakers instead and they work great if I’m lying on my right ear, but if I’m on my back or left side, they’re worthless. They have to be pressed snugly against my ear in order to block sound but at least they don’t go inside the ear like the earbuds. Thinking of looking into pillow speakers, but again, unless my good year is lying right smack dab on top of it, it may not do me any good.

All I know is that this is just fucking ridiculous and I’m sick of it! Light sleeper or not, sleeping during the day half the time or not, nobody’s place should be this fucking noisy. But because so many people just have to put on a show with their loud attention-getting vehicles, I have to suffer. Maybe someday the lawmakers will actually make some sensible laws that we could use and not make the vehicles 100% silent but make them not sound like a fucking rocket is tearing down the street either. This can be done to all vehicles, including motorcycles. Don’t know about things like UPS, though, but there’s really no excuse for the insane number of loud vehicles on the road these days any more than there is for the boom car stereos.

Might take my Bluetooth speaker and add that to the white noise played on the stereo. If I play Alexa’s Sleep Sounds Brown Noise, it gives me a broader range of pitch which can help. The lower-pitched sounds are harder to drown out.

There’s something else that’s not great but it’s not at all surprising. I was a bit anxious yesterday so I skipped my meds today, placebo effect or not. Yeah, I knew being able to blame most of it on the Amberen was just a dream. I know this problem is mine for life and that it will always come and go. Drinking an extra wine cooler didn’t help, unfortunately. I have yet to find anything that stops it once it starts. After all these years it’s obvious I’m not meant to.

Another thing I’m still dealing with that’s annoying is this strange head pressure when I stand up, especially if I’ve been sitting for a while. That could be dehydration, too. Time to start making sure I drink at least 64 ounces of water a day!

For some reason, I hate it when people leave me long notes on Prosebox. I should have known my last entry would generate a lengthy note from Jinn. It was a fine note and she’s a nice lady, it’s just that she regularly goes overboard with her notes and it gets old. I guess I just don’t have the patience to sit there and read long notes any more than I have the patience to read long journal entries unless they’re super interesting.

Not much else going on this rainy night other than that I now have over 17k pins on Pinterest.

Meant to post this earlier but Tom got up early and we ended up chatting and playing with the animals. The rats were the most fun they’ve ever been, climbing all over me and running around. Only Fuzzy hung with me and came out today but at least he went home on his own. Woody doesn’t mind being petted and handled as much either. They sure love to hang out with the piggies, too.

We looked at pillow speakers but nah. I’m tired of fighting for something I’m obviously not meant to have. When they let me sleep, great. When they wake me up, oh well. So I’ll be tired and unable to work out or play with the animals as much on those days. It won’t kill me. Then maybe someday we’ll have a place 15’ from the road instead of 5’ and the bedroom won’t be right on it.

Actually, Google Maps says it’s about 38’ from the bed to where the closest cars drive by. Really? That’s hard to believe. It’s definitely a lot closer from the wall of the bedroom, which would be the closet, to the start of the street. Either way, they’re so insanely loud these days that I could really use at least 100’ even though I’ll never get that.

OMFG, the loud car stereo that went by shortly after 7 may have even woken Tom up. LOUDEST EVER! I both felt and heard it loud and clear. Adult parks are nothing like they used to be. I know we’re never going to be the 100 feet away from the road I’d need to be to protect my sleep (until things get even louder), but if we could get a few more feet than this and less traffic in Florida, at least I could go back to being woken up a few times a month instead of a few times a week. Thunderstorms may make up for it, but oh well. I’m used to shitty sleep and noisy places, like it or not. At least this time around I finally got to sleep without being woken up. I just didn’t feel the least bit refreshed upon waking up. I could tell before getting up that I was in for a dizzy day, too. Thought it might be better today, but it isn’t.

Geri had some loud diesel truck at her place hauling something in or out like she does every now and then. Not sure what the hell that’s all about. The truck is now parked in front and it looks like a washer and dryer are sitting in back of it.

Of course there have been planes too, but not so bad these last few days.

Now I’m hearing what might be gunshots. Can’t say for sure.

I woke up feeling anything but refreshed, as I said, even though I slept quite a while. Beginning yesterday I’ve been having that same kind of dizziness and fatigue I had at the end of last year before I saw Doc A and my good ear appeared to be clogged up. She said it’s possible to get a cold where its only symptoms are fatigue and dizziness, but I don’t feel like I have a cold and my schedule has pretty much grounded me indoors so I haven’t been anywhere lately where I could get sick.

Since Tom has the control over his schedule that I can only dream of having, he’s going to get up a little earlier so we can go to Walgreens for a few treats. Funny how now that I decide to binge till I pop, I’m not even that hungry. For the most part, I just eat when I’m hungry and that’s what I feel best doing, even if that means having 1500 to 2000 calories a day. That’s what my body feels it needs. At 1200 or lower I feel horrible.

Anyway, we’ve been oiling both ears because my bad ear has build-up and my good ear is waxy because of the earbud. Still feel pretty out of it. Mustering up enough energy to stay on the skier where I’m at now isn’t easy.

I’m just tired of having one fucking problem after another! When can I go one lousy week where I don’t have any issues? Minor things that we all have, I can see, but this is just fucking ridiculous. Yeah, I’m glad I’m not anxious but suffering is suffering and I’m tired of it. I never should have gotten these rats not just because I knew damn well they would be overly timid, but because I feel bad that they want to come out and run around and I just don’t have the energy to keep up with them. If it weren’t for me having good balance, I would have hit the floor a few times by now. No way we’re getting a dog after he retires. No way. Not only would it be my shit luck that I’d get one so timid it wouldn’t come near me and I’d have to practically chase it to get it to go outside or whatever, but by then, who knows what kind of health I’ll be in.

This dizziness seems a bit extreme for clogged ears, especially since the R ear is better and the L ear has never made me dizzy before. Never been diagnosed with anemia before (if anything my red blood cell count is slightly high), and my blood sugar is definitely not too low since it was 111 yesterday before eating. I was surprised and dismayed to find my blood sugar over 100 after we tested it for the first time in centuries with his home testing kit. He’s always been borderline diabetic but I’m guessing that since we already made it to our fifties and sixties without needing medication for it despite both our mothers being diabetics as well as other family members, we probably won’t ever need treatment. Not if I keep active. It’s just that while it’s simple enough to not overdo the sugar, I can’t always be active if I feel dizzy or run down. 4 minutes was all I could do on the treadmill and now I’m lying in bed and feeling like I could just close my eyes and drift off. Only problem is the house needs to be cleaned and I do have pets, like it or not. They at least deserve some attention. Tom feels confident it’s my ear, saying that when you’re dizzy lying down it’s almost always that. I can’t think of anything else it could be but I wish I knew for sure. It seems like it lasted close to a week the last time I had it. I’m making a point of documenting things better.

Another thing that seems to be getting worse and worse is my vision. I wonder if my vision would be this bad if I wasn’t on this medication which is also listed as possibly causing blurred vision. Tom thinks I would. Yeah, probably so. At age 42 my vision had progressed to where it usually is at age 48, the age I was when I started levothyroxine.

I just hope to hell I don’t get anxious since we’re coming up on Monday morning. Hate this time of the week.

I created a template and made a health blog on Blogger but decided to keep my second Twitter account for throwing on pictures whenever I wake up and take my vitamins so I can keep track of that as well. I did a poll on my main Twitter account asking if people thought I should keep the other account for wakeup and vitamin times, deactivate it, or do something else with it. I wanted to see if I would get any yeses, which I would guess would be from Aly, and I did. One yes and one deactivate it.

Another pit bull mauling. Why is it always them? I get that how you treat an animal influences its behavior, but sadly, many animals are mistreated. So why is it only them to fight back, or at least mostly them? Every now and then I hear of a German Shepherd or a Rottweiler being involved, but it seems like 90% are pit bulls. Well, fortunately, Aly’s was treated well before she got it because it’s been a very friendly dog, even if it’s only part pit.

I think the bad dream that I thought I had three nights ago was connected to Nissan. Something about her and maybe others trying to legally screw me. Good thing my trolling days are behind me and I won’t be messing with her then.

Two nights ago I had a dream I was on probation again, and once again Scot B was my PO. But this type of probation required me to stay in some kind of group home. I don’t know what my charges were but I was being moved to a different home and worried that they wouldn’t transfer my medication since we weren’t allowed to pack ourselves.

I was playing around with this guy in the dream and we were playfully shoving each other but Scot got the wrong idea and told the guy, “If you hurt her I’ll (something very threatening).”

In last night’s dream, I was decorating the front of Bob & Virginia’s place only it looked much different. The places were bigger, they had actual yards and were on a dead-end. I found some animal statues to place around the front of their place and when I looked upward, I saw this giant arch over their driveway and realized I couldn’t reach its ledge to decorate it as well, so I told Bob he could deal with that much himself.

Then I was trying to find a new home for 3 rats and Paula offered to take them, but I didn’t want to leave them in the hands of someone so dumb and unstable.

So I decided I was going to keep the rats for myself but I didn’t want anyone to know for some reason, so I snatched a bag of bedding from somewhere as I was walking down a street and cutting through a parking lot when some guy asked what the hell I was doing.

I shrugged and smiled and said, “Oh, just looking for a place for these guys.

Then I quickly crouched behind a bush on the corner of a street the next block over. It was dark and I wasn’t facing the street but could tell a large dog passed by behind me by the sound of its footsteps and the way it was breathing. I quickly jumped up and started running, hoping it wouldn’t spot me and give chase, and it didn’t.

Then there was something about seeing Stacey. I’m not sure if I was discussing it or I actually did but I guess I did because I was walking through a parking lot with Tom and heading toward our car when I sensed her watching me through a window and felt a bit self-conscious which isn’t something I usually feel unless it’s someone I like or care about.

Then I suddenly pulled the door handle of the wrong car and an alarm started sounding. Tom had somehow gotten several yards ahead of me when this happened and some kind of cop or security guard came hurrying toward me as I explained it was a mistake. The guy was smiling, but Tom, who was standing further behind him, was sort of looking at me like I’d lost my mind.

OMG, it burns me up every time I read about the US sending aid to foreign countries. When are we going to finally take care of our own for once? When do the people right here get to matter first and foremost? Maybe we should all go on strike and refuse to pay taxes and teach the government that we want the money we earn or our spouses earn to pay for our own needs and not a bunch of strangers in another country, some of which make their own damn problems to begin with.

I think I’m going to forget about dieting. I just hate the way diets make me feel and my weight is the least of my concerns right now. Right now, I just want to be able to sleep during the fucking daytime without having to wear earbuds that cause wax buildup to irritate me because people can’t shut the fuck up. After the first few hours of sleep, they woke me up every half hour. Fucking trash and green waste trucks, the loud car, plus God knows what else. Really miss the days when they simply came by to pick up the trash and that was it. They were gone. Now they have to make a big fucking production out of it, winding in and out of streets and going back and forth, so I hear them for hours. Several times I swear they’re at our place dumping our shit just to find they haven’t gotten to us yet.

I really, REALLY miss the days when all I needed to sleep with was a fan or an air cleaner and that would drown almost everything out except for the sonic booms we had in Maricopa. Yet I didn’t have to deal with sonic booms nearly as much as loud traffic. Sometimes we would go months without hearing any but here we don’t even go a day without something insanely loud roaring through here. It’s sad that people are dumb enough to believe that louder is more powerful and that there’s so much insecurity in this world that people feel the need to stand out and get any kind of attention they can from anybody they can. When you think that bad attention is better than no attention, you’ve really got a problem.

I think Tammy was either playing the noise down at her place or she was lucky enough to get into an unusually quiet place. I doubt she was playing it down because drama queens don’t usually do that, especially Tammy, so I think she just got damn lucky. I can’t picture her willing to put up with a place this noisy.

But I refuse to run. First of all, I’ve tried running from noise for decades to no avail. It’s never done me any good. I just go from noise to noise. Secondly, most places are more expensive than here and we still can’t leave the state without a job or a retirement check. Besides, all places are noisy these days unless you’re either rich or you go way out in the middle of nowhere. Really, if you can’t sleep in an adult community of all places, you ain’t sleeping anywhere if you’re a light sleeper trying to sleep in the daytime.

So I thought about my different options. First I thought that going in the opposite direction and turning off all sound machines completely may help me get used to sleeping through shit, but I know I would only wake up every few minutes instead of every half hour to a few hours if I did that. No one wants to be that tired even if they don’t have much to do the following day.

Then I thought I might try to hold my schedule but if I could do that there would be no such thing as circadian rhythm disorder.

I asked Tom on a scale of 1 to 10 how hard it would be for him to pull a 24 if he had to and said about a 2. He has always been amazingly flexible compared to me, that’s for sure! So I don’t know if I can do it but I’m going to try to stay up until 4 p.m. and reverse my schedule. The less I have to sleep during the daytime, the better. I’m not the heavy sleeper he is. I don’t think anyone else in the world is as light of a sleeper as I am.

I totally, totally feel cursed in the noise and sleep department! Maybe not so much with noise because it’s noisy everywhere these days. Then again, I don’t know because I heard the woodpecker shortly after getting up that no one else around here seems to hear but us.

But being cursed in the sleep department is a no-brainer. It’s bad enough to have circadian rhythm disorder but did I really have to be a light sleeper on top of it? If there is any bastard above that cursed me with the sleep disorder, couldn’t it have had the decency and the heart to at least let me sleep through more things? I feel like I only end up punished every time I try to help myself. Like the wax is my punishment for the earbuds which have been the most helpful solution so far of the 10 million things I’ve tried in this place. Had to Debrox that ear to break down the wax and was very dizzy last night.

I start to want to scream when I think of all the years we have left here but again, why bother? I’m only going to hear the same shit wherever we end up. As much as I want to live in a tropical climate like Florida and as much as it’s cheaper there, I sometimes wonder if Florida wouldn’t be very smart because of the risk of hurricanes, the humidity, and because I would probably get even less sleep there with storms waking me up. But I would really, really love to live there! I don’t think we’ll be able to get a place on the ocean and I don’t think we’ll have any kind of yacht or boat or anything like that but I would still love to live there. If for any reason we don’t, then I guess the next thing to consider would be the Nevada desert. Maybe New Mexico, but I highly doubt it. There are even more illegals there. As long as it’s not Arizona, Texas or Utah. Texas hates women and gays, Arizona hates almost everybody, and Utah has too many kids. If only I was oblivious to cold and snow. In that case, maybe we would go join Aly in Nebraska. Freezing, snowing, mouse-ridden, cold as fuck Agent P, who had a much better dream about us than I did, LOL.

I guess I was working in a pet store and telling someone we met 13 years ago when she came into the store. I had a thick brown braid that you could tell was curly, a purple sweatshirt with a rat face on it, and a pink and white skirt. Amazing just how accurate a description that is, too! I have everything but the rat face on the purple sweatshirt. That’s actually on a brown shirt. I guess I was trying to sell her some kind of long-haired rat that doesn’t exist, haha.

Guess she isn’t trying to avoid me, after all.

The only thing I remember dreaming about last night was swimming in this canal with this grassy bottom that felt gross and weird.

There was also a dream where Tom and I were walking somewhere when it looked like a couple was about to get into a physical fight. I moved toward them ready to defend the woman but before I could get a chance to slug the guy or whatever I was going to do to him, a crowd of people jumped him.

Seems like I might have had some other dream that was kind of scary but I don’t remember it.

Anyway, despite all the chaos in the daytime, it’s been an amazingly quiet night so far. I thought I would have to deal with a barrage of planes but maybe in the morning instead. Again I wonder, am I not hearing anything because the wind is going in a different direction than usual? Or are they just not flying tonight?

Read another side effect that the doctors would no doubt deny my medication is capable of is increased hunger. I wonder if that’s part of why I’m always hungry and can’t stand the hunger of dieting. I guess I’m just meant to be a big girl and that’s okay. :-) No, I’m not as healthy or as flexible as I may be if I was slimmer, but I am the way I was meant to be. At least I’m making a point of being active. I’m actually on the skier now.

I’m just tired of all the contradictions out there. My endo told me to double up the next day if I forget a dose while I read not to do that. I also read that you shouldn’t take aspirin on this medication, but I mentioned it to my PCP back when I was taking it to protect my heart and she didn’t say anything. I stopped taking it when new studies said it didn’t really do much good and said screw my heart. It can’t beat forever anyway.

But who do you believe? Who is right? Tom swears my endo said not to double up when he was with me when I saw her one time but I don’t remember that. I remember her saying just the opposite when I saw her by myself. As I told dear hubs, I may forget things people have actually said, but I don’t remember things they didn’t say. :-)

Tom will be going to Sam’s Club in the morning. One of the Lean Cuisines I got turned out to be spicy. So I read online that milk helps with the burning. I took a mouthful and swished it around in my mouth and it really did work!

Kim nephew’s 20-year-old girlfriend has been squealing on her, so she says. She tells the monster-n-law whenever she catches her doing something she’s not supposed to do.

I’d really love to be a little fly on the wall watching that family for a day or two. I bet it would be highly interesting and very entertaining.

So let me get this straight. The rats will run if I approach them for cuddles and playtime but they won’t budge when I approach them to shoo them downstairs so they don’t steal the pigs’ lettuce? Yeah, they really pissed me off last night. I let them out and they seemed almost playful-like when I’d playfully wave a hand toward them. Then they decided they just had to veg out on that wonderfully comfortable carpet under their cage (after pissing on it to mark their territory). After a while, I got bored waiting for them to go home. I know I could’ve gone into the other room and done my thing till they got tired of sitting there, but I wanted them to learn the “go home” thing. They’re not catching on too fast for being intelligent animals. I had to trap the furry bastards in a box in order to get them back to their cage.

Another weird thing was when I picked up Woody. He immediately jumped back into the cage but then turned right around and jumped onto my arm, even though it was only for a second.

At least we got it right with the tree stump burrow we got the pigs. They can both fit in it, even if it may be a bit snug, and they definitely can’t flip it over.

I’m sure I’ll be paged any second now for another round of lettuce.

Two more things to bitch about… My left toenails look horrible again, so I saw when I removed my polish and I don’t like the shade of red I put on my toes or the silver on my nails. The silver is so light and hard to make out. With light skin, I like something either really bright or dark so it stands out. I left my toes as they were but threw some pink polish that smells like roses over my fingernails.

I was hungry for most of my day yesterday but it’s a little better so far today. I’m now down from 155.0 to 152.6 but really doubt I’ll lose more than maybe one more pound no matter what I do.

I don’t think I’ll bother with vodka again. It’s boring compared to wine coolers.

Emotionally, I felt better last night than the night before, which makes me think it could be connected to the 3 days in a row that I had fried foods, which is listed as bad for anxiety.

Tonight, however, I’m also a bit on edge. Noticed it as soon as I got up. Because I lost a few pounds rather quickly?

Both rats were out for a few minutes last night and both went home on their own and were rewarded with treats.

Woody is getting big. They still don’t play together and I don’t like that while they’re curious to explore, they do everything they can to avoid me. They don’t want to interact or socialize with me. I miss rats that would run to me and climb all over me. Okay, so maybe that’s a bit extreme. They do sometimes let me reach in and pat them or pick them up without running.

The pigs were funny the other day. I have Alexa set a timer for me when I first get up so I don’t have my coffee too soon after taking my meds. Well, as soon as it went off, so did they. LOL

I might not take the rats into the bedroom when I’m on nights because they’re getting a little big for a square-foot cage. Plus, they’ll be running around loose more often now that they’re getting older.

Just wish I knew why a tiny scratch makes me so itchy! With the pigs being heavy and squirmy when they’re first picked up, it’s easy to get scratched. Their scratches itch a lot like when a cat scratches me.

Tom was late getting in because they had a late meeting at work. We’re at the point now where if this place ever gives him a raise again, our benefits will cost us more. It really sucks. What’s the point of getting a raise just to have to give it away?

I’m pleased to say I didn’t have any hip pain yesterday but my ear still irritates me and I still get that strange pressure in my head when I first stand up. Third day of having neck knockers in my sleep too. I have no idea what that’s all about. My blood pressure may run a bit high but there aren’t any major changes with that from what I can see since I’ve been monitoring it closely.

I slept a little better and longer even though I did wake up for a little while a few hours before I got up. I’m glad the earbud hasn’t been giving me any shit and it better not tomorrow because I have to sleep through trash and green waste pickup.

Had this dream I was talking to Jessie’s son Wyatt, only he was 22 and not 30. I was amused by how grown up he thought he was and the way he thought he knew it all like most of us do when we’re that age and even younger.

Then I dreamed of Nelly Rodriguez or whatever the fuck the welfare bum/criminal’s name really was. I had a dream she gave birth a month ago which would be pretty damn unlikely seeing that she would now be well into her 50s maybe even early 60s.

I spotted her somewhere in the dream after receiving a piece of mail addressed to her. I told her about it, and while I knew who she was, it took her a minute to remember who I was. She didn’t look much older than when I last knew her in the late 80s and she confirmed that she did have a child a month ago, much to my surprise.

Then I had a dream that ended scary enough to wake me up. Aly and I went to stay in some hotel somewhere and I was annoyed because the only room available had just one bed. It was sometime in the afternoon when we decided to take a nap, tired after traveling. Unable to sleep I lay there staring at the ceiling and dismayed to find that I could not only hear everything going on in the surrounding rooms but could also feel the vibration of people’s movements much like in Motel 6 when we first came to Cali.

In a soft whisper, I called Aly’s name and asked if she was still awake. She was.

Next thing I know I was waking up from an afternoon nap, only we were in someone else’s room which actually had two rooms. I knew Aly was in the other room even though I couldn’t see her.

My mind immediately went wondering just how the hell I was going to keep a decent enough schedule for the remainder of our vacation, especially after napping in the daytime.

I got out of bed and walked up to the bathroom door which was closed and could hear someone showering behind it. I knew the person was the guy to whom the room belonged.

Then Aly and I stepped out into the hall and the guy, tall and slim, approached us a minute or two later.

“I didn’t get your name,” he said to me as he pulled me into an incredibly tight bear hug with my stomach pressed against his.

My brain thought to kick and throw punches but my body was completely 100% immobilized.

I woke up saying, “Aly, help me!” as I felt myself begin to panic.

For a few days, I’ve had this feeling that Aly has been trying to avoid me. I guess the fact that she told me at 3:12 in the afternoon that she was going to devote the rest of the day and night to alone time with Cam while she turned around and tweeted on her other account at 5:08 may confirm this suspicion.

Maybe that’s all she did, but I doubt it. Aly is very sensitive and it probably has to do with our different views on blacks and Muslims. Or maybe she’s getting anonymous questions she doesn’t like and thinks I’m behind them. It’s hard to say with her because she’s so sensitive and everything seems to offend her. She was telling me the other day that she was tired of bothering with Kim because of her obsession with June. So Aly pretty much has a problem with just about everybody and I really think that’s part of why she’s spent so much time alone besides the fact that people tried to steer clear of those with lots of problems. When you’re just a couple of years from 40, it gets harder to believe you’ve just been “unlucky” in love so far. She’s moody and she’s sensitive, but we’ll see. Maybe Cam is it.

Regardless of whatever may be on her mind, I’m playing totally dumb to the other Twitter account. This way I can have a better idea of what she’s really thinking, and I’ve always been fascinated by how people think and learning what’s really on their minds.

If I didn’t know any better, I’d think I went deaf. Been up since 1 PM and it’s been amazingly quiet ever since.

A new hideaway is on the way for the pigs that they hopefully can’t flip over. Also on the way is pig/rat food/hay/bedding and patchouli incense.

The pigs are so funny because they sometimes start screaming as soon as I open the bedroom door when I get up. Also, when I’m talking to Tom, every time they hear my voice they scream. They’re at least smart enough to have learned which one of us usually feeds them. LOL

I’m down 1.5 lbs but I’m not about to get my hopes up because I’ve always been able to lose just a few pounds. Still retaining water too, for some strange reason. Even though my inches may already be dropping just a teeny little fraction, my bra feels tighter.

Just wish I didn’t have the fear of my medication hanging over me as far as weight loss goes. I think that’s been putting a bit of a block on me right along with age and genetics and all that shit.

I finished watching the Obsession series and now I’m watching the Disappeared series. In the last episode of Obsession, was a case of a woman who was raped and murdered by a stalker who wanted to be her. He would dress in women’s clothing, try to hide it, and also deny his true sexuality to others. Goes to prove my theory about rapists being closeted gays is probably right on. I think what a guy is really trying to say when he rapes a woman is, “I’m angry that I’m gay and I can’t admit it and handle it, so I must lash out at the women I’ve come to resent because of my inability to be turned on by them.”

I don’t think it’s just about control for them but actually more about their own lack of control. I think the world would be surprised at just how many gay men there are out there if they would just own up to it and admit it, but of course, not all closet gays are rapists. But those who express a preference for same-gender coworkers and things like that are pretty obvious enough to me. I think anytime someone prefers the company of their own gender they’re either gay or at least bisexual but leaning towards whatever sex they favor. If I’d never met Tom, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if I was with a woman unless I was still alone.

I would love to go out for a walk right now with the way the nighttime can take my mind places I’d rather it not go. You know, the usual fears… Not having anyone to help us when we get old. Tom dying first and me having to kill myself and hopefully do it right since I couldn’t stand to be without him. Suffering when I am dying. Finding out that there is an afterlife and it’s so bad that it makes my worst of days in this existence seem like a real party.

But it’s too cold to go out. When I can, though, the LED-flashing barrette I just got is going to be great for running and riding.

Tom and I did another workout video yesterday and I now realize just what shitty shape I’m in these days. I’m practically disabled compared to how I was years ago. Part of that is my fault for not being more consistent, and it does take regularity, especially as you age. I didn’t realize until I struggled through those exercises just how out of shape I’ve become, especially trying to do burpees. I’m on the treadmill right now and I did some Bowflex exercises earlier.

I’m back to sleeping shitty again but that’s probably because I’m on nights now. The earbuds didn’t bother me and traffic didn’t wake me up but I still woke up many times, once when I felt the neck knockers. I’m definitely not having too much sodium so I don’t know what that was about. Maybe it has something to do with the position of my head or something but I don’t know. Blood pressure wasn’t that bad when I got up so I’m stumped.

I’m also back to hot flashing in my sleep but no racing heart, fortunately.

They’ve been doing really bad at work and I worry about him getting laid off. The company is so broke they can’t even afford to fix one of the urinals in the bathroom, and Tom took a portable heater to work because they can’t even afford to fix their broken heater. I hope the AC works in the summer! It definitely gets hotter here than it does cold but he’s a desert native so he can handle some heat.

It still infuriates me that it’s considered “freedom of expression” if you blast your car stereo to the point that you’re waking people up but if you have something to say out loud or on paper that someone might not want to hear, it’s a fucking felony. Come on, how twisted is that?!

Decided I would be better off not painting the fairy or using markers on her. I polished her nails bright pink but I’m going to leave it at that.

I guess one ounce is considered a serving of the vanilla-infused Smirnoff vodka I got today but I started with half of that when spiking my decaf coffee with it. I didn’t even get a buzz so I think I’ll use a full ounce next time. Maybe I’ll pick up some OJ singles and make screwdrivers. I read that typically, 1.5 oz of vodka and 6 oz of OJ is how they’re made, but the OJ singles I sometimes get are 8 oz. Close enough. :-)

Had to get off the treadmill after just 15 minutes because my right hip is killing me. Damn, I’m getting sick of all this hip pain!

Every now and then I get a crazy idea that pops into my mind at random. Well, I think I’d like a small silicone doll. Not for getting it on with, of course, but for decoration. I’ve always loved lifelike and realistic dolls. I could get a fairly decent one for under $300, including shipping. Should be about 40 in tall and weigh about 25 lb, so less than half the size, weight and price of the one I have now. I said I would look for one with a tan or that was black for variety but I always find myself liking the Asian dolls which is what they mostly have, anyway.

Except for the basketballs on her chest, my doll is gorgeous but too big and heavy. I want something that can be moved around and is easily changeable. I’m kind of hoping my buddy will one day drive out and decide she wants to take Suki back with her and make payments whenever she can. She could always pay at her leisure and of course she doesn’t have to pay what we paid for her. I know she likes pale skin, red hair and green eyes but that’s the beauty of these types of dolls. They can wear any color/style wig and have any color eyes. She could have both heads and several of the wigs. No green eyes or red hair but at least she’s pale.

My ear continues to irritate me on the outside although Tom says it looks fine. He looked inside and said it looked a little gunked up but not too bad. I feel this strange pressure where the ear meets my head and a little bit on the outside “knob” of cartilage that sits right above the lobe and I’m not sure what the hell is going on. Maybe I’ll find out in June when I see my ENT.

The car has been thirsty again, signaling it needs water, and while it’s no emergency, it’s looking like we are going to have to get another car while we’re still here. This one is starting to look a little shitty on the outside anyway because the fake convertible is shredding.

Where yesterday was amazingly quiet and the only loud vehicle I heard was Safeway coming to deliver our groceries and the planes were barely existent, tonight it’s the opposite. Yeah, I knew I couldn’t get two peaceful nights in a row. I heard that loud car, other loud vehicles, and plenty of planes.

We went out walking down to the lake and back after he came home. The sun was shining brightly but the air was cool. On our way back, as we were approaching the Twenties’, this insanely loud dog started barking its ass off in one of the yards just over the wall outside the park. The thing sounded huge and oh, those poor Twenties! They must absolutely hate it being closer to it. We almost never hear anything as far as dogs or anything else because fortunately, we’re a little further down the hill and blocked by houses. We have heard faint barking occasionally but nothing too annoying, and the only times I’ve heard kids is when I’m out in the carport, so I don’t mind.

I am absolutely hungry as hell today. I’m now down from 155.0 to 153.2 but I swear no matter what I eat, I just can’t get rid of this hunger! It’s like PMS hunger all over again. I just want to eat till I puke! Since I’m going to be hungry anyway, I’m trying not to stray too far from my goal. Usually, when I get this hungry it takes 500-800 calories to stop it and that would put me way over. Meanwhile, a banana or something small won’t curb hunger this intense. Just gotta wait it out. Whenever I drop a pound or two, I get hungry like this. It’s like my body’s trying to fight for its weight back, crying out for those 1500-1800 cals it’s used to.

I still say I’m not going to lose more than a few pounds. Every time I do, I can keep on dieting and exercising and doing everything right, but the weight automatically resets itself back to where it was before. One or two more pounds and my body will go into automatic reset mode. When it does, at least I won’t have to worry about my medication and I know that I can always use MyFitnessPal to help when I’m up a few extra pounds. Just wish they’d quit with the fucking video ad craze cuz that really slows the site down.

I read that a body buried 6 feet in ordinary soil that’s unembalmed takes 8-12 years to become skeletonized. I guess the three grandparents that I knew who died in 1983 and 1985 would definitely be all bones by now since Jewish people typically don’t allow themselves to be embalmed. Yeah, I have these morbid thoughts at times.

Last night I had a dream where my father said to my mother in a tone that was a mixture of sarcasm and anger, “Shall we tell her about the latest news?”

“What?” I asked. “Are the Muslims threatening us again?”

“Yup,” said Dad.

When I got up, I found threats in the news but they were from Putin. The Russians are assholes but not as bad as the Middle East and North Korea. Still, Russia loves to make its share of threats to several countries.

The Florida 11-year-old arrested at school for refusing to stand for the national anthem is so ridiculous it’s literally laughable. Goes to show that not only does everyone see racism in everything these days, but also how defiant and rebellious kids are that one that young would disobey to the point that they’d allow themselves to be arrested. I believe in standing firm behind one’s beliefs, but I don’t know if I’d be willing to get locked up over something as silly as standing with my hand over my chest and reciting words I didn’t really care for or believe in.

Another black shooter too, this time in New Orleans.

Surprised Tennessee covers transgenders under their hate laws. That part of the country is usually the most hateful towards gays. I still don’t believe in the whole “hate crime” thing. I think violence is violence no matter who/why the act is carried out. All should be punished equally with harsher sentences only reserved for children, old people, and the disabled. Meanwhile, the person who beats the janitor should get the same sentence for beating the cop or the lawyer. If we’re going to have hate crimes, then I’d like to see non-whites be held accountable as often as others. There’s just so much unfairness in the world. When minorities brag about how much they’ve accomplished (which is fine), people applaud and praise them. If a white person were to do that, people would shout, “Racist!”

Yeah, we kinda swung the other way in the land of Inequality. First it’s minorities being picked on and now it’s whites. I’d say we STILL have a way to go before we achieve any real equality.

Okay, I’m done with my news rant. So we went to Rite Aid and got a few things. One of the things was a miniature beagle figurine that was on sale, plus a hair barrette that lights up. I joked with Tom about wearing it to the doctor. They’re LED lights so it would be pretty blinding with the way they flash and change colors but if it’s behind me it might be kind of cool around here at night.

I woke up a million times, once due to the smell of Tom warming up some potatoes. I’m a little tired but nothing too noticeable.

Had a dream that I asked my dentist what color my eyes were, and she shrugged and said, “Blue, I guess.”

“They aren’t green?” I asked her.

She stopped and looked at them and said, “Yeah, I think they could be green.”

Then lowering my voice as if it was such a big secret I said, “My eyes are the only good feature I have left so I’m trying to hang on to them.”

LOL, in reality, I don’t think I have much good left to hang on to.

She said it was okay in a way that suggested I was still doing well overall.

The planes have been going crazy since getting up at 10 a.m. In the first half-hour of being up, I had to have heard five or six planes. This isn’t their usual time to be this active and noticeable. Wonder when it’s going to be a 24-hour thing with them. Last night it was the helicopters and small planes to get on my nerves. I still don’t get why I don’t get used to noise. It’s all I’ve known for the last 30 years or so. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t raised with it?

I woke up with a headache and my ear still feels a bit weird.

Replaced most of the fish’s water today and helped Tom make mashed potatoes and then cooked him a frozen pizza. I only had a few bites of pizza and none of the mashed potatoes because they aren’t very good for LS and anxiety. I’m coming up on 3 months without anxiety, except for the time I overdid the anxiety foods and saw my last round of numbers.

Tom and I were talking about how you can have a slow metabolism even if your thyroid is fine. Tom has had a normal thyroid but an incredibly slow metabolism all his life which is part of why he has such a low HR. He would have to have 1200 calories to lose weight but 800 would be even better, he says. The only reason he was thin when he was young was that he didn’t eat. His only meal of the day was fast food on his way to work. Not very healthy but definitely enough to keep thin if that’s all you have. He never really kept food in the house.

I might be able to lose on 1200 if I exercised quite a bit but probably not more than a few pounds. I would have to go down between 800-1000 to lose more than a few pounds. I know I should watch my weight and try to lose 20 or 30 lbs for the sake of my health but I still worry about how it may affect how my medication affects me. Being paranoid over that has been a bit of a block for me.

Decided to join MyFitnessPal since it provides a handy tool for monitoring calories, sodium, cholesterol and everything else. Need to spend less time online, though, so I don’t have to hear about food so much, which only makes me hungrier.

The vans were only here half of the day when I last saw them so maybe they aren’t remodeling after all. I’ll find out next week but even if they aren’t, it’s only a matter of days before somebody does something else around here to annoy me.

I was watching a documentary on North Sentinel Island and how the Sentinelese tribe has been uncontacted and independent for 60,000 years. They kill anyone who gets too close to them with one exception and that was only because they were given coconuts, something they really value. Even though modern civilization is as close as 31 miles away, they want nothing to do with it. I can’t imagine not wanting to leave the same old tiny island no matter how beautiful it may be there and never wanting anything to do with outsiders, even just for a little while. Even though I’m not normally very sociable, I’d think I’d be curious as to the world beyond my little sanctuary. I guess that just goes to show how narrow-minded and hateful they are. On the other hand, I can totally see wanting to keep safe and any potential threats out of the picture. Modern technology, agriculture and our way of living aren’t for everybody, I suppose. They don’t even know how to make fires and no one knows what language they speak either. They did seem to know how to escape the 2004 tsunami by running to higher ground.

When looking at some of the pictures of them, there are some things I don’t get like where they’re getting the red paint to paint themselves as they sometimes do for some strange reason. And when I looked at their beaded necklaces, the beads all look pretty consistent in shape and size, almost as if a machine made them.

They’re all in damn good shape, of course, albeit ugly as fuck. They’re super dark and they all look the same. It’s hard to tell the women from the men from a distance and they basically look like hairless gorillas. Not trying to be rude but that’s the best way I can describe them, LOL.

I would guess they bathe in the ocean but I wonder if they drink the same water. I hope not if they also piss and shit in it.

They estimate there are anywhere between 15 and 500 of them and I wonder how they manage not to overpopulate the tiny island since they certainly don’t have birth control and they probably don’t have a clue that the guy needs to either not cum or pull out in order to prevent pregnancy. Or at least to lower the chances.

I’m sure the weather is beautiful there all the time but I would hate to have a medical emergency way out there.

I wonder what they do all day since they have no TVs to watch or books to read. I guess it takes that long to gather food, build huts, bow and arrows.

When I look at the island on Google Maps it looks uninhabited, so they’ve got their huts hidden well in the vegetation unless all the little brownish spots I saw were huts. If it is, then they’ve got a hell of a lot more than 500 people there.

Wonder how many uncontacted people there are? I know there are some in the Amazon.

Had a dream that Christopher Noth presented himself as black and began wearing his hair in pigtails.

Then I dreamed I lost a lot of weight, presumably by starving or close enough. I was looking in the mirror in a brand-new tank dress with bright multi-colored curvy stripes running through it. It had a white background. I wore a headband that matched the exact shade and width of the green stripe in my dress. In another part of that same dream, I was wearing a long lavender spaghetti strap sundress with a gathered bodice and realized I didn’t look fat at all.