Just sitting here waiting for today’s internal shitstorm to begin. Sipping cohosh and primrose tea for whatever good it will do me. Plus I took a Gennev.

This is the third day in a row with less than seven hours of sleep. This time I can blame it on the fucking skunk that let one rip too close to home. Goddamn, do I hope these fuckers aren’t a regular issue in Florida!

Yesterday ended up being a shitty day and Gennev’s magnesium is proving to be worthless, just like everything else has. I had the same problem I’ve had twice recently which Tom thinks is due to skipping too many times. I’ve skipped a total of three times recently but have taken my med the last couple of days and am determined to learn to tough it out once and for all as impossible as that may seem.

It started off when I was light-headed for a minute or two and then later my heart started beating a little fast and a little hard. Then sure enough, once I passed the halfway mark of my day, I was anxious and it went on for more than four to five hours. It lasted most of the rest of my day.

I just don’t know what to think or do anymore! I think it’s got to be on the medication. It just seems that my hormones wouldn’t know what point of my day I was in but a medication I took certainly would. Also, people describe menopausal anxiety as being extra worrisome, not waves of adrenaline in the chest making you feel the way it makes you feel emotionally, sometimes even wishing you could just drop dead. But a foreign chemical I was taking into my body certainly could even if it’s supposed to be the “same stuff” my thyroid makes.

And why did I have similar symptoms as what I had when I first went to 75 and then to 88 where the chest anxiety became prominent at the end of 2016? Since when does menopause cause you to have the runs, lose your appetite, and lose weight? That’s just not the way it works. Your appetite increases and you gain weight… Without the runs.

I just don’t get why I don’t have any anxiety every single time I take the medication. But still, something’s got to be wrong somewhere. It just seems too extreme for menopause so unless they’re missing something, the answer has to lie within the medication. It’s just that I’ve never heard about people not being able to do something about their menopause symptoms. Why do so many people swear by things like black cohosh, primrose, magnesium, and other things if they don’t help?

I started to lose hope in the extremely off-chance of it being the house when I remembered that I was feeling really anxious in the chest one time when I went to my old dentist, and then the stomach anxiety when I was on my way to Stacey one day. But the anxiety did start at home. I can’t remember a time when I went out and then became anxious, not that I’m out very often to begin with.

I just wish I could know what it is, what (if anything) I could do about it, and if it will ever go away! It would be such a huge relief if I knew it was hormonal and wouldn’t last forever. I think that right there would help tremendously. But I can’t possibly know this.

This isn’t something I can just disengage myself from, ignore, or simply walk away from as much as I wish to hell I could. No, I couldn’t do that any more than I could turn off past impossible dreams, goals, and desires until time, circumstances or both turned them off for me. I’d love to be able to say, “I’m not going to take this shit. I’m not going to acknowledge it. I’m going to totally ignore it and not let it get to me.”

But sadly, it just doesn’t work that way.

I totally misunderstood Tom the other day. He wasn’t talking about turning the garage into a bedroom/office but an office/workshop instead.

We’re still torn between going inland versus coastal. Every time we find a place that seems ideal, there’s a catch…too close to a train track, too close to a highway, etc. At this point, I say just let the cheapest place win! I’m not going to get the kind of quiet I want anyway, so why not?

Doc A showed up in my dreams again last night for a sleepover in our two-story house, lol. I ran down a hallway (or was it a staircase?) to greet her when she arrived at the house in the evening. I said, “Hi, I’ve missed you!” with my arms outstretched for a hug. Then I stopped and asked if I could hug her. She said yes.

A short while later, Tom was turning in for bed early. He was about to head up the stairs to the bedrooms which were off the kitchen while Doc A was whispering something unintelligible in my ear.

Took a break from this entry to take a shower. Of course I had to listen to the paper car right after I got out. At least the planes should be quiet for two or three hours before they start back up again.

After my recent concoction, I felt a wave of fatigue and also a bit calmer. The internal shitstorm probably won’t begin till around 6:30. I still can’t believe I’m going through this shit! My life could be damn near perfect if it wasn’t for this shit. This is all wrong. This shouldn’t be happening. Why must there always be one thing or another? Well, I can assure you that my past problems were much easier than this!

Still looking at different houses in different parts of the state. There’s a place in Port Orange that has a garage which he talked about turning into his office/bedroom but since he’s always been kind of neighbor-conscious, wouldn’t that look weird to them? And is he really going to trek through the dark and humidity when he wakes up having to pee in the middle of the night? Also, garages aren’t very sealed up and I would worry about giant spiders or even snakes slithering in there while he was sleeping. Furthermore, while I would appreciate some alone time, that would feel too weird, almost like I was living alone.

Another thing I didn’t like about the location, although it was close to the beach, was that the neighboring houses were extremely close, it’s even closer to a highway, and it’s too close to the clubhouse as well. I don’t want to be running back to the same shit I’m trying to escape. Even though the highway wouldn’t be elevated and there’s a block wall in between, why would I want to go from 1100 feet from the highway to 250 feet?

Then he found a much better one in Lakeland with a waterfront view that also has its pros and cons but that I would prefer to the Port Orange place. The pros are the view and that it’s a nice house. The houses are also spread further apart and it’s not too close to highways or clubhouses.

The negatives are that it’s a corner house which means we would hear similar shit as we do here but hopefully fewer planes. It would also be a long drive to the beach, not that we wouldn’t have the time to make the drive.

The house really is beautiful. The only other negative I just found when looking at it again was that no windows overlook the lake other than maybe a bedroom window. How do you enjoy the view from your home when your lanai’s on the other side?

I just wish traffic was like it was 15-20 years ago where you didn’t really notice it and you just heard things like UPS and the trash trucks and didn’t have a million motorcycles, diesel trucks that sound like semis, muscle cars, and boom car stereos, though I can’t believe stereos would be a problem there.

No place is going to be perfect. There definitely is no escaping the mutts and especially those damn motorcycles. But two people in Florida said they weren’t a big deal there so that’s a little hopeful even though I still wonder if I’m cursed at times with the way I just “happen” to get so many exceptions.

There’s still the soundproofing that looks hopeful as far as helping me sleep and blocking out project noise as well. I think soundproofing the rest of the house is going to depend on whether or not the lanai is off of the main house or separate. Obviously, it would work well if it was separate but if the lanai was attached to the house, then wouldn’t soundproofing the house be kind of pointless?

Speaking of pros and cons, I’m trying to decide if I want to let the termites think I’m still in Cali or tell them we moved to another state before the virus hit but not say where, of course. It should be a few years before the Internet takes it upon itself to broadcast our new address. I’ll be watching in regular intervals so I can do whatever I can to get it removed. Anyway, I don’t know that it matters other than that they may be less likely to try to figure out this address to send stuff here or call the Citrus Heights piggies if they think we’re not here. I just want to wait over a year so that if she does send anything here, it’s not forwarded. I hope the next lady will mark it Return to Sender and throw it back in the mailbox but my guess is she’ll probably open it without realizing it wasn’t to her or be curious even if she does realize it, and then dump it.

Yesterday Kim told me she loves the diamond painting I did for her.

Going to be having triple-digit weather today and tomorrow.

Had a dream he was all excited about a place that was inside a giant barn-like building with other houses. LOL

Then there were dreams about being surprised to spot a skunk in the middle of the afternoon, and some guy struggling to keep up with me as we were jogging.

Next, we were having a little reunion with Miss Perfect and Dave somewhere. There were other people around as well as a few kids. She still seemed to have a chip on her shoulder and was not very eager to talk to me whenever I would ask questions about her life or make comments.

Eventually, we all got up to leave, me grabbing a hoodie and then realizing the weather was too warm for it and that I would have to lug it around with me. I ran up a hill to keep up with the others who were making their way along a wide street somewhere.

If we had a house this big, though I simply can’t see us in a place this big when we move, I wouldn’t need a treadmill as long as we kept it sparsely furnished or at least set up in a way that allowed me a clear running track. I’ve been doing three 5-minute walking bursts alternated between three 5-minute jogging bursts.

I asked Andy and Kim their opinion on the matter. I don’t know why I’m so curious but that’s just how I naturally am.

Kim is kind of annoying me. Yesterday I asked if she got my envelope and she said she thinks so but spent the day busily preparing for shoulder surgery next Tuesday and had woken up to the sound of birds. She said she was going to go back to sleep for another hour and would look later but I never heard back from her. Meanwhile, she’s been online a few times yet hasn’t confirmed that she got it. Hate that shit. I used to get that from Paula where I would send a package and wouldn’t hear anything about it for weeks, sometimes even months.

I was totally horrified and discouraged to read that symptoms can continue for an average of 7.4 years after a woman’s last period, including mood changes. Seven-point-fucking-four years?!?!?! You mean I could be just barely past the halfway point of this shit?! There’s no fucking way I can stand another 6 years of this torture. Just no fucking way. If it goes on for a total of 15 years and I make it to 80, that will be 12% of my life! Gennev’s menopause magnesium arrives today but it’s hard to be hopeful after so long. The only positive that came from reading what I read was that there’s still a chance it’s not the medication because that would be the worst thing it could be along with my thyroid itself.

Didn’t feel anxious yesterday when I skipped my med. Tom thinks I did better yesterday because it’s a psychological thing. Maybe so since I took it today and I’m still fine. Either way, I wish I could quit the shit for a few months. Then I would know for sure but there’s no way I could stand the hypo symptoms either so that’s not an option.

Woke up with a backache today. Had a massage and it helped but it’s back so I’ll have another massage soon.

My bite has continued to be off too. When I clamp my teeth together, only the teeth on the right side touch. The left side barely touches anymore and I wonder if it’s because of my TMJ. I did hear that that can offset things, so I don’t know. My TMJ definitely seems to prefer it hot and dry. Now let’s also hope it also likes hot and humid. Cold weather along with elevation definitely doesn’t help.

Finally remembered a dream I had last night where I was seeing my old dentist in a small enclosed room. The room was inside some kind of building. A buffet was outside of it. She was just finishing up with me when she told me to gather my stuff and listed off a few things, one of them being something I couldn’t understand. She shut the light off before I finished gathering my stuff up and I asked her to turn it back on. She flicked it back on for a few seconds so I could make sure I wasn’t forgetting anything. Then she put on a winter coat and matching earmuffs and said goodbye as she shut and locked the door and headed outside through a door by the exam room.

Then I was standing in the crowded area where people were loading trays of food. People were seated nearby as well and there was a long line of people waiting for seats. I was hungry as hell and wondered how people managed to starve themselves. I looked around for Tom and spotted him talking to some guy. I was glad to see him holding bags of food so we could take off and eat as soon as we got home. I moved toward him through the throng of people and asked where I should go and he guided me toward the end of the line and said, “That way.”

The crowds and noise began to fray my nerves. Someone was letting their kid play some loud obnoxious video game on their phone or tablet and I wanted to leave. However, I was tightly squeezed into the line and found it wasn’t so easy to break free as I scanned the area for Tom and wondered where he disappeared to.

I can’t deny the fact that it still saddens me, like when I woke up early in the evening, knowing that if Aly was alive I’d have messages waiting for me even if it was just trivial things and asking how I was doing.

I had a shitty night last night with anxiety. I’ve definitely noticed a pattern trending with me lately and that’s that it usually gets me around the middle of my day and lasts 4-5 hours. Decided to try Gennev’s brand of magnesium which will arrive Sunday. It’s 17 bucks a bottle but I’d pay a million times more if it’ll work. I doubt it will, though, because nothing has yet but I can’t resist the natural urge to try to help myself so I can feel better.

I realize there could be one or more culprits involved ranging from menopause to the medication to the thyroid itself. I’m skipping today’s dose, though, and this will be my third skip, so tomorrow I’ll go back to taking it consistently.

As for my toe, I’m virtually positive it’s not Melanoma because the stripe would be darker, thicker, and extend up under my cuticle if it was. I’m pretty sure it’s a splinter hemorrhage though I’m not sure how I got it.

A random memory decided it would be a fine time to pop into mine when I was showering and that was when my wonderful father told me he would “walk away” if I kept expressing how frustrated I was with his abusive wife back in the late 80s or so because “that was his wife I was talking about.”

The older, smarter me would have said, “Well, I’m your daughter so let me take the honors of being the one to walk away.”

But it’s complicated. It’s complicated because if I hadn’t reached out to them for help after dumping my parents for a decade when we got in a jam when we first came to Cali 14 years ago, we wouldn’t have been pulled out of the quicksand that was quickly swallowing us up. Nor would we have gotten the money to get out of Jesse’s dumpy old trailer and into this place where we could ultimately get a decent sum of money to get a place in a better state, despite how noisy it’s been here.

Speaking of that better state, Tom’s really liking this city that’s a little smaller than Citrus Heights called Port Orange. He showed me a 45k house he wants and while the house didn’t really speak to me and get me all excited since it’s a corner lot with the same less-than-exciting view we have here, we could practically ride our bikes to the beach just three miles away! But houses are selling fast there just like they are here so it will probably be gone when we’re ready.

Since we’re likely to be more in central or northern Florida (just not very northern Florida) we talked about some things we might want to do there like watching some of the rockets take off. Not sure I would really be interested in Epcot Center but Busch Gardens looks like it would be a lot of fun. I sure as hell wouldn’t want to go on any of the roller coasters, but some of the rides look fun and there would be other things to do as well like shopping and dining and they have these little safari tours as well.

Can’t wait to take tons of pics of the move, whatever house we end up with, and the things we do!

Another positive to not going too far south is that we would be less likely to be evacuated for hurricanes and if we decided we didn’t like being in a park there any more than here but still like the state, it’s closer to rural areas that we could check out as possible alternatives. I think Steinhatchee would be too far north and the winters would be too much like here. But starting off in a park is a better way to test the climate because we could get out of there faster if we had to leave the state altogether than if we got some rural place.

I would have loved going extremely remote 20 years ago when I was younger and healthier but with us getting older and spoiled by modern conveniences, we’re not so sure it would be wise to be that isolated and I know we would both miss the high-speed Internet end having things delivered right to our door. We’ve never had to yet but I like knowing that I could run next door or across the street if the car crapped out and we needed to get somewhere in a hurry, even though there’s always Uber for that, but still.

Burgundy is definitely my new favorite hair color. It looks so good on me! Took some pictures of it but the pictures don’t do it justice at all. My hair looks lighter in the photos too. It’s actually a rich deep warm shade of burgundy that looks great on me. My hair also looks thinner than it is in the pictures. It’s not thick like when I was younger but it’s not thin either.

Later…

Sometimes it bothers me that I’ll never have the home of my dreams and by saying that I don’t mean a luxury mansion either. I don’t even mean something small and luxurious. Just a peaceful modest place that isn’t too big or too small where I feel at home. A place that really speaks to me. I don’t know how to describe it but it has to do with the house itself and what’s around it that makes it stand out or not. Sometimes I’ll pass by a place and realize I could feel really comfortable and at home there and all that, but I honestly don’t think it’s in my cards any more than it was ever in my cards to marry a woman, have a kid, or make it as a writer. I think the place is going to be just there with no special “homey” or cozy kind of feeling. I don’t think I’m ever going to literally love where I live, feel really blessed to live there and be unable to imagine ever moving again.

Even so, I believe the next place really is likely to be it. So knowing what’s in my cards and what isn’t, I’ll just take whatever we can afford as long as it’s not literally unappealing. I’m not even going to be lucky enough to get in a petless park or a petless section. I don’t know how I know this. I just do. Some things really never do change and there really is no escaping them. The best I can do is hope that it’s at least not as noisy as this place in general and that the soundproofing we intend to do helps a lot. Then it would only be annoying when we were in the lanai.

About 28 days to go! The only things I’ll miss are the dry air, taking walks around the park, and some of the neighbors. It kind of blows my mind knowing that I probably won’t even do more than 30 more California entries. But now it’s getting even more real. As in time to start watching quantities when shopping since the less we have to move the better.

There were 5 Green Gobbler sticks left that you throw down the drain to control odors and eat up organic matter. We used those up by throwing them down both shower drains, kitchen and bathroom sinks, and the tub.

We’re getting the money’s worth out of stuff that doesn’t have much left in it to be worth moving. Oh, this is so fun. LOL, most of the cleaning stuff we’ll leave for her since the fewer liquids we move the better.

We shouldn’t need more laundry or dish pods in this state. If there’s any fabric softener left over, she can have it. I’m even going to leave the laundry bag because I have another one we never used that’s still in its package. It might be packed already. Then again, if we go back to the top loaders I prefer, being that they’re easier to clean, we won’t need them.

These were cheap $40 pots and pans we got and we’ll have to decide if they’re worth taking or if we should get new ones there but I’m guessing we’ll take them. They can be replaced later. We’ll even take the plastic cups I plan to replace because we still need to drink out of something when we’re not drinking out of cans and bottles. No need to replace the mugs I have. I just have too many, LOL. I might leave a few behind.

Good news and bad news. As I suspected, we won’t be getting into Spanish Lakes in Port Saint Lucie because the realtor said they usually want you to have at least $1600 a month. What surprises me is that most places have an application fee which is totally ridiculous. How hard can it be to look at someone’s income and tell if they qualify? Plus to run a background check if they do make enough? But hey, if worse comes to absolute worst, there’s always that stilt house up in Steinhatchee.

Another bad thing but that doesn’t surprise me is that he finally found a place that tells you which parks allow motorcycles and that’s almost all of them. Only about 1 out of 100 forbids them. Yeah, I don’t expect to be able to dodge those or the dogs but I know it’s going to be better than this place even if it wasn’t soundproofed but of course it will be. It’s just that we might not get much peace when we’re sitting out in the lanai and people are letting their dogs bark and doing whatever projects they’re doing. Yet I don’t expect the lanai to be pleasant most of the year anyway due to the humidity.

He found another town he’s investigating called Orange City. I don’t like the name but that’s not important, of course. It’s reasonably priced as it’s more inland but still only a half-hour from the beach.

The good news is that the inspector isn’t coming until Tuesday and we don’t have to be out of the house like we originally thought. We didn’t have to be when they inspected the place in Phoenix so I was kind of surprised when he first said we might have to be out.

We were given a long form to fill out if anything doesn’t work. Would have been nice if they’d done that for us when we moved in here, as he said. We didn’t even know the self-cleaning part of the oven didn’t work, or its timer.

Not much else going on around here. Nancy’s getting new flooring, we ran out to Rite Aid, and I dyed my hair burgundy. Beautiful color.

Now I just have to hope the old me makes its way back soon. Two out of the four possible culprits will be eliminated soon, although I still can’t believe it could be connected to the cemetery or negative energy within the house. That’s just too easy. It’s got to be connected to either hormones or medication. I can’t believe it’s the thyroid itself since I never felt this way before being diagnosed.

I also hope his flu-like symptoms are gone by tomorrow. This has got to be the strongest vaccine he’s ever gotten! The nurse did warn him though. He felt better most of the day until we went to the store.

Later...

The anxiety I had for 4-5 hours throughout the night has dissipated and while that’s wonderful, I still shouldn’t be going through this back-and-forth bullshit! I should be focused on the move and able to enjoy concentrating on that without this shit thrown into the mix. Life could be pretty damn good if it wasn’t for this shit spoiling things.

Seven years later I’m wracking my brains trying to figure out what the fuck it could be and I can only come up with that it’s either one or more of three things - hormones, the poison, or the thyroid itself. I agree that it’s unlikely that I have tumors or heart disease so it’s got to be one or more of those three things.

If I can never know for sure I just wish I knew what the fuck to do about it! Tapping doesn’t work anymore and nothing else I tried worked. It comes and goes at random and every time I think I might be on to something, I find I’m not. I don’t know, sometimes I think it’s still a bit extreme for hormones and that it’s a hell of a coincidence that this problem started with the medication. But the anxiety that I’ve had since 2014 has been different at different times, as funny as that may sound.

Oh fuck. So now the commercials are going to start flying at 4-fucking-30 instead of 5:30?

As I was saying before I was distracted, remember how I had the booming heart and panic attacks when I first went to 75s? Well, my heart is beating hard at times but not that hard. And I also feel adrenaline in my chest but I’m not panicking. Then there was the time I went to Stacey before she taught me how to tap where I had the stomach anxiety and for a while, it seemed like taping was magic. It stopped it dead in its tracks. But then soon enough, I was having anxiety where I felt afraid to be left alone, and then she EMDR’d me. It was about half a year later that the chest anxiety began in December of 2016. The only kind of anxiety I’ve had that smacks of menopause was the 15 months I had where my heart raced me awake.

I see a definite pattern trending lately. It usually starts around the middle of my day and lasts 4-5 hours.

I was reading back in my 2016 journal and it seems that for the better part of that year, I didn’t have as much anxiety. It got really bad in December and this wasn’t long after finding out that my TSH was a 7. So my first thought was that it was the poison but then I didn’t start skipping until around that time either, so I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore. I just don’t understand why it would get worse.

But then another discouraging thing I read back on was that Doc A told me it’s a “medical disorder” which means I can go months without having anxiety and then it can pick up. So could I have developed a medical disorder when I started the poison that has nothing to do with menopause, thyroid, or medication???

To think that I may have to live another 20 years with this shit if we can’t ever figure it out and it doesn’t go away on its own makes me want to bash my fucking head in the wall until my brains are forever engraved into it.

The countdown is on! We should be gone in 30 days so we’ll probably be here for our anniversary but not his birthday!!! The woman who wants this house will buy it contingent upon her current house selling which is now in escrow. We’re pretty sure it is the last single woman that looked at it. She’s downsizing from a house she’s selling for $450,000 and even offered an additional grand. That’s her deposit which we would get if anything fell through that caused her to back out but I don’t see that happening. Gosh, I hope not! We just want to get the hell out of the House of Terror as I named it. After we’ve lived in various places, I kind of gave them these little nicknames. Well, given how my health has terrorized me at times in this place, it only seems fitting. Not even a week after moving in, I knew I didn’t want to be here forever because of the noise, even though it took a year for the medication and hormone issues to really get going.

Next up comes the inspection that takes 2 hours and that we have to be gone for. That’s where a potential kink could be thrown into our plans. If they find anything that needs to be repaired then we’ll either pay to have it fixed ourselves or let them take the money out of the sale of the house to get it fixed on their own. We know the hot water tank needs to be replaced because it’s making these “popcorn” sounds and it usually bursts not long afterward like what happened in Phoenix and at Jesse’s trailer.

My biggest fear is termites. Many of the homes here have had them in the past, including this place. Because we’re getting so much more than expected for the house and we have so much available to us on credit if we have to get the place tented and spend a week in a hotel, then so be it.

Poor Tom spent the day with horrible side effects from his shingles vaccine. And this was only the first shot. Within the next couple of months, he has to get a second one which he plans to get in Florida. Covered California isn’t just a California thing but a federal thing so we can use it there too. One more year and he has Medicare.

His exam went great, though. His blood pressure was great and his cholesterol was so low that Doc A asked if he was on cholesterol medication, lol.

Anyway, Pierce informed us that we would have a few days’ notice before inspections, and as Tom told him, it’s easier for me to push my schedule than to hold it so I’m going to stay up as late as I can. Unfortunately, this means I can’t be very active or do anything that will tire me out. So no working out. I’m just going to be totally lazy. Just writing, movies, good food, and audiobooks for the most part.

Coming down in an old beat-up 1950s Datsun pickup and going out first class is not half bad at all! First class is cheap now. About $700 for a ticket.

We still don’t know exactly where we’re going but we’re homing in on a couple of locations and he’s begun contacting realtors there. We’re both doing research like crazy. We’re not going to pack more stuff until after the inspection.

We’re just so glad that Pierce doesn’t want to show the house to more people to get even more offers. We would rather lose 5 grand or so to get out sooner. We just want to get this over with!

Don’t know if the next place will be our forever home but if it isn’t, it should be our second to last home. We really would like to get into Spanish Lakes, a somewhat fancy retirement community in Port Saint Lucie. Not sure if they would accept us, though, since they are going to be more focused on monthly income and not what we have saved. He wouldn’t mind working part-time, though, if it was worth it enough. We could both do Door Dash and I still want to take a shot at an Etsy store even if I don’t hold out much hope there with all the competition.

There are also places on the Gulf side that have potential. I’ll be up through the night researching along with the other things I’ll be doing.

Because it’s getting close, I asked Kim to hold off on the package until I get our new address.

I filled Mrs. Twenties in and assured her that our friendship would live on through Facebook and she said she hoped so because she would be disappointed if it didn’t. Also, she might be nosey about my new life and I told her I would be happy to share. At that point, I don’t mind adding her to the Blogger list I created there.

I wonder if Molly remembers my last name. I hope not. If I decide to cut her loose, then she would know who to look for on Facebook but hey, she would be easy enough to block.

Our house has sold!!! Pierce did say that things could fall through so don’t pop the champagne yet but he’s expecting a full cash offer!!! This means that not only are we going to get more money than we thought but things are also going to go faster than expected. There’s a good chance I may be canceling my ENT appointment on June 17th as well as my September and October appointments with Doc A and the dentist.

To back up in order of events, I offered Mrs. Twenties the two bamboo plants that were in smaller, prettier vases. One in a lavender vase and one in a green vase. I’ll just leave the larger clear vase that’s holding a few bamboo stalks here for the next people to do what they want unless the cleaning lady takes it for herself. Mrs. Twenties said she would like to have them and thanked me. They were out at the time so I left them on the table outside the front of their place. I’m glad they’ll get to have a home and live on at least for a while with someone who we’ll take care of them.

I slept shitty last night, waking up several times. I could have sworn a series of bangs woke me up but Tom said he didn’t hear anything. I also thought that the sound machine changed, like maybe Alexa cut out for a bit since the Internet is spotty in that area.

Then I had dreams of meeting Aly and possibly Andy too at a hotel but that’s all I remember.

Then there was the nightmare where I had to have surgery, and instead of knocking me out through an IV in my arm or hand, they shot something in my upper stomach and while it made me really woozy, I realized I couldn’t breathe.

When I finally got up; I don’t know if “sensed” is exactly the right word but I either sensed or imagined or thought of Aly hugging me and telling me it was going to be a great day.

Got up at 2:45. By 3:20 I was surprised that Tom wasn’t back yet from seeing Doc A. I began to get a little concerned but then I remembered Life360. So I opened the app and found he was on the move. I even enabled Crash Detection but not to automatically dispatch help.

It turns out he was caught in traffic forever because they closed part of a road down, and at the house, we could hear tons of helicopters swarming around. We figured it was a suspect chase but one of the ladies looking at the house confirmed that it was actually a downed Internet pole that hit some cars and all that even though no one was hurt.

We had lookers scheduled for 4:30 and 5:15 but because of the traffic jam, the first lookers were a half-hour late. In fact, they were still here when the second lookers came. The first looker was a woman by herself and she gave me an even more promising feeling than yesterday’s couple. The second lookers were two women who didn’t give me any feelings either way.

The woman who gave me a good feeling was of average height and had surprisingly thick eyebrows and wide hips for being older. She had a bit of a deep husky voice as well. I hated to lie to her when she asked if it was quiet but we did mention the delivery trucks. We just left out all the other shit. They also asked questions about furniture and utility bills and the things people would normally ask.

One of the ladies that came with another woman couldn’t figure out how to flush the toilet after she peed, lol.

It was practically right after they left that Pierce texted us saying that he was expecting the full cash offer. Tom replied saying that we had questions and then he called and asked him what he wanted to know as far as how the process works since there’s so much to line up. We’ve got to hire the Florida realtor. We’ve got to book a rental. We’ve got to arrange for the moving pods. We’ve got to have Candy shipped. We’ve got to get our plane tickets.

The thing dampening the excitement is not being able to share it with Aly. Again, I have no way to know if she somehow lives on and knows what’s going on or not. I’ve never been dead yet so I don’t know. I just know it sucks not being able to Skype with her regularly. I miss her SO damn much. It truly sucks that we’ll never get to meet each other. Sometimes it’s still hard to believe that she’s gone. It’s just so fucking unfair. She may not have been the most honest person on earth but she was a great person overall and she didn’t deserve to die at 40 years old while so many murderers and other degenerates out there make it well into their golden years. That’s just so unfair.

The other thing dampening the excitement was my fucking health, of course. If I could know for sure that it’s due to menopause, that might make it a hell of a lot easier to endure. It’s just that some of my symptoms are also symptoms of heart disease. From a logical standpoint, it makes sense that it’s the menopause but damn do I wish it with just stop, whatever it is! I’m so sick of this back-and-forth bullshit and I want my old self back. Yesterday I ended up feeling pretty good but today I started off a little lightheaded and then I felt warm and hot flashy and then my heart was racing. It actually wasn’t beating that fast, though. It wasn’t in the triple digits. It was actually in the 80s and 90s where it usually is when it felt like it was beating hard and irregularly. I almost felt jittery and breathless but not exactly “anxious.” Yet I did even more research and I’m at the stage of the process where estrogen decreases even more and these symptoms are common.

So I ran and took my supplements and had a cup of black cohosh tea and again it either helped or was just a coincidence. After a few hours of that shit, I’ve felt fine ever since. I just wish my situation was simpler. Back when I had asthma attacks, it was easy. I knew exactly what was going on and there was no mystery. I had asthma and I needed to quit smoking. Period.

Despite my intermittent suffering, this is definitely a very emotional time for me!

Yesterday ended up being a pretty horrible day for me. My heart raced all day and I felt more anxious the further into my day I got. Today I took my medication and I’m doing okay. Not great but okay. Again, I have no idea what the hell is going on. It’s so random and I just don’t know why and wonder if I ever will. Tomorrow could be another good day or it could be a shitty day. It’s like it’s hit or miss.

We showed the house today to a stout woman with long blonde hair. We left to give her and the realtor privacy to speak more freely and all that. The realtor said to give them 15 minutes so we drove around the park slowly. We were pretty sure we crossed paths with the house hunter less than 10 minutes later as we were circling back, so I’m guessing that might not be a good thing.

What was most interesting was the fact that the anxiety I started off with dissipated when we left the house. I would really love to think a good part of it could be something bad connected to the house or cemetery but that one still seems too good to be true. I’m kind of borderline right now where I don’t feel great but I don’t feel bad.

Anyway, we have someone coming to check out the place at 3:00 tomorrow. We’re surprised too because we didn’t expect lookers coming every day. We thought maybe every few days or so. We saw someone stop and grab a flyer too. I just want to hurry up and get the hell out of here!

Our first lookers were a no-show. Damnit. I hope they have the runs all night long!

Someone’s supposed to come tomorrow at 2:00 as well, so hopefully they’ll show up.

The office contacted him saying they noticed our house was for sale and we’re supposed to fill out a form for that. It’s an Intent to Sell form that we’re surprised Pierce didn’t tell us about. He took a walk down to the office and got the form.

For a brief moment, I thought about how funny it would be, but not too surprising, if the homebuyer people finally contacted us after we contacted a realtor, and they did. They sent a message saying they haven’t forgotten about us but have had many requests for their services and are backed up and all that. Did it really have to take this long for them to tell us that?

The more I think about the stilt house the less it appeals to me, though it’d still be a great backup if we don’t find anything else we like. The only positives to it are the peace and price. There are so many negatives to it. It’s just so damn remote. I would take it over this place in a heartbeat and I would have loved it when I was younger but now that we’re getting older, I don’t know that I want us to be that isolated. Then we would have to deal with the spotty Internet connection all over again, wells, and we could forget about Walmart deliveries too. I may be an introvert but not that much of one. He’s always been a hermit yet even he agrees it would be better for us to be in a park, preferably a co-op, around other people. A gated community is a bit safer as well.

One of my biggest fears being in the wilderness during our brief time on Bly Mountain in Oregon was running into bears and big cats. I don’t want to have to go back to that shit. Also, as Andy pointed out, the house is on stilts for a reason. Well, I don’t want us to get trapped by floods. Lastly, it’s too far North and would get cold at night in the winter just like it does here. Hell, we’re still getting cold at night. We’re supposed to get down to 49 degrees tonight and it’s already getting late in May.

I can’t wait for Sunday so we can warm back up again and hopefully be less windy as well. The cool spell we’ve been having along with the wind has been amplifying the planes and helicopters and making them annoying as hell.

To add to those annoyances will be that really loud Pride bus returning to take Diane to and from daycare once again. Dixie said she’ll be returning to her daycare program soon. Figured she couldn’t wait until we got the hell out of here.

Nancy had the inside of her house painted today but they were quiet about it.

An hour and a half after today’s potential buyer failed to show up, we mailed out the colorful kitty and butterfly diamond painting I made for Kim and then we went to Rite Aid and picked up some wine and treats.

He has his appointment with Doc A on Monday and maybe she can tell him why he bleeds so easily when he gets a cut. His lower legs look awful with discoloration from varicose veins and all that. I made him promise me he’ll have her look over all his spots to make sure nothing looks like it could be cancerous or at least precancerous.

It totally figures that I’ll be asleep when he’s at his appointment. I wouldn’t want to go back to the days of having the house to myself for 12 hours a day, 5 days a week, but it would be nice every now and then. So it figures I’ll be sleeping through it, not that he should be gone for long.

I had a really shitty day. While I did feel anxious, my racing heart was what was most noticeable throughout the day. It was so frustrating! At one point I felt warm and then I felt fatigued but nothing major as far as those feelings go.

I skipped my meds the day before yesterday and felt great. I skipped them today and felt like shit. So once again I’m not sure the medication is involved. My first thought was – well, maybe it’s residual effects - but if that was the case, why did I feel so good a couple of days ago?

Tom feels it’s because we have so much going on and there’s so much unknown at the moment. He said that when we went through the crisis in the trailer and at the motel before that, it was a straightforward situation where we knew what the problem was and what we needed to fix it. He’s so right, too. We were broke and we needed money. It was that simple. But now there’s so much in the air. We think we like the Gulf side better than the Atlantic side but where will we go for sure? When will it happen? Will we have to stay in a hotel here before we go? What will my new doctors be like? Will they be helpful in any significant way? How will the climate affect us? What will our neighbors be like?

The questions are endless and I just hope he’s right when he says he truly believes without a doubt that once we get settled and don’t have so much mystery going on in our lives and can take the time to better focus on it, we can figure out what it is and how to deal with it. Well, I’ve definitely had enough of this shit! I have never felt so bad than in the time we’ve lived in this house. I know it’s a long shot and total wishful thinking but it sure would be nice if it was something about this house itself that was simply cursing me physically and especially emotionally. I’ve read stories about those who have had an endless stream of “back luck” after moving into certain places. I don’t think I could get that lucky, though, to simply be able to up and move and be done with it. It’ll follow me. I know it will. I just don’t feel as confident as he does that we’ll ever figure out what it is or at least what to do about it even if we don’t know exactly what the cause(s) are. But damn, do I miss feeling like I felt before we moved into this damn place! I can never have my old thyroid back or my old vision or many other things but I wish I could at least have the version of myself back that didn’t have this kind of anxiety and to this degree.

I don’t know at all. I’m wrong sometimes. So hopefully this will be one of those times I’m wrong but I won’t count on it. Still, the process of elimination begins once we get out of here. When we do, there goes the house and there goes the giant cemetery. In a couple more years or less, there goes hormonal issues.

I swear it’s like something wants me to suffer at times since I can’t take psych meds without suffering the side effects but he feels confident I don’t need them. Well, I hope he’s right, and what he believes will end up being the case because I can’t do this for another 20 years or so. I just can’t. It’s way too hard on me. We’re almost 5 months into the year and I don’t think I can add up a total of 2 months where I felt good. I can’t keep playing this game forever. It would kill me if I didn’t kill myself first.

Began doing the wolf diamond painting that I’ll probably send to Eileen. I don’t think I’m going to like it much anyway. Too much gray. Also, these drills are square instead of round and that means they have to be placed very precisely in order to look good. It’s a good-sized painting that will take quite a while to do because of the way I can’t place the drills as quickly and you can’t see the image. It’s just a bunch of letters and symbols in a grid against a white background. So I might not even finish it while we’re still in this state. I sure hope not, anyway! That would mean things would be going horribly slow.

Wherever we end up, I can’t wait to soundproof! Being such a light sleeper and with all the thunderstorms they have, that alone will be reason enough. It’s gotten a lot easier and more affordable over the years. Wish we could have had this option and done it here eight years ago but of course not. The skinny piece of soundproofing material is supposed to be like having a 10-foot thick concrete wall surrounding you. So yeah, that oughta block sounds quite well. That way I won’t have to listen to people and their damn projects or barking if we don’t get into a petless park. Quieter would still be better so we could enjoy the lanai when the weather permits which isn’t anything we could soundproof very easily. But at least my sleep wouldn’t be threatened and I could have some peace inside the main house. We’re going to start with the bedroom and will eventually work our way around the entire house.

I still miss Aly and it’s still so hard to believe she’s gone. Every time something happens, good or bad, I wish I could Skype her about it and share it with her, and then I remember I can’t. Damn, do I really miss her! I shed a few tears of joy when I finally saw that for-sale sign and it got even more real but I’m not as excited as I would be if Aly were alive to share it with. I mean I am but I’m not. It’s still going to be an exciting and one seriously emotional day when we leave, in a good way, of course. I don’t doubt that I’ll be going ballistic with joy. It’s just that her not being around does dampen some of that excitement. People could tell me she’s out there somewhere and somehow knows what’s going on with me but I don’t know that for sure. I can’t make myself believe something out of sheer wishful thinking or desire. Oh, I think I’m going to burst into tears again.

While I slept, Tom heard hammering which amazingly didn’t wake me up. He went out and checked in and found they had pounded in the for-sale sign in back of the house. They were just driving away when he got back there. So it’s for real!!!

But sadly, so is my anxiety. It was a Lupin day, too. I only have two more Sandoz left. Once again, I’m worried my problem is mostly on the medication as opposed to hormones, so I’m going to skip again tomorrow. A couple more years and the process of elimination can really begin as far as the hormones go. I’d love to believe it was on the hormones for the most part but I still can’t believe it could be this intense for this long.

We’re listed on his site as well as Coldwell Banker and she really took some gorgeous pics, too. I’d hire her in a heartbeat if I needed a photographer for some kind of event. I shared it on Facebook and made sure to exclude Norma and Michelle. Michelle, by the way, is the deadbeat she always was but I’m not going to delete her. She almost never posts anything so maybe she really isn’t on Facebook much to begin with.

Anyway, we already have a looker coming tomorrow afternoon. I was worried it may take time so we’re pleasantly surprised, not that the first looker is necessarily going to be interested in the place.

It’s too bad we can’t see how many people view and save our place like we can on Zillow. Speaking of them, we found a really remote place and northern Florida on the Gulf side in a small town called Steinhatchee. It has pros and cons to it but is definitely on our list if worst comes to worst and we can’t find anything else we really want. It’s a tiny house up on stilts but the reason it’s on stilts, of course, is because it’s in a flood zone. I love how it’s remote and the payments would be low, and while the house does need some work, it’s not that bad.

The negatives would be the longer drives to civilization when we needed to go shopping or see doctors. There’s no way Wal-Mart delivers out there! It’s been on the market for two years since most people don’t want to live that remote.

There is a small-plane airstrip nearby but we can’t believe it’s used very often at all. It’s not even paved. It would be so peaceful there! Another negative is that it would get cold at night in the winter as it does here. It wouldn’t be like Oregon but it would be like here. It’s so remote, though, that I don’t know if we would even need to soundproof the place. If we did, it would mostly be due to the storms. Even if the closest neighbors left their dogs outside most or all of the time, I can’t believe we would hear much of them there.

Maybe it would be a good place to start off if we couldn’t find anything else better that was in a co-op where the payments would be lower than a park set up like this, and then eventually sell it and head further south where it’s warmer. With us getting older, I don’t know if we should be that isolated.

I’ve been sharing all this with Kim and Andy and while that may be fun, damn, I wish I could share this with Aly!

I had tons of dreams last night until a loud vehicle woke me up. Most of them didn’t make sense. The only one I really remember is an appointment with Doc O. At one point I said, “You know I’m a singer, don’t you?”

“M-hmm,” she said, and then I said I had a wedding to do in a few days even though I didn’t. For some reason, I felt compelled to impress her or at least try to.

Then the office morphed into a bus. She stepped off of it to talk to someone. I followed a minute later and said, “I guess this means our appointment is over?”

I got no answer as the bus took off and I realized I had to get back on it when it circled back around because I left my purse on it. Then I began to panic as I also realized it may not return again that day.

Good news/bad news. I skipped my med yesterday and had not a faint trace of anxiety. I felt great. Totally like my old self. I didn’t even take any supplements of any kind. So does that mean some culpability still lies within the medication? Maybe, but I just don’t know for sure. I took it today, so will see how I feel later on. Yesterday I even had tons of sugar and two glasses of wine.

Tom has been forgetful lately as far as his short-term memory goes. The same problem I have. He’s found that CoQ10 supplements help him with that so that will arrive today. I’ve got a 3-pack of burgundy dye on its way to me. The coloring shampoo simply will not cover grays.

No change in the toe stripe. Really hope it isn’t Melanoma! Melanoma isn’t precancerous like what I had on my arm and back. It is cancer. I read that if you’ve had actinic keratosis, you’re at risk for other forms of cancer, including Melanoma, especially if you’re fair-skinned. I’ll find out either way once the nail has more of a chance to grow. The stripe doesn’t appear to go up under the cuticle, so that may be a good sign.

Although I expect it to be gone by the time we’re in Florida and actually househunting, there’s a cute place in North Fort Myers we like. We’ve narrowed it down to which side of the state we want to be on and we agree we like the Gulf side better than the Atlantic side. The water there is warmer. We’re going to try to get as many of the things I consider positives as we possibly can. My priorities from most important to least important is getting into a petless park or at least one that has a petless section. Next up is avoiding motorcycles. After that is getting out of a flight path and having a water view. A water view and escaping the motorcycles is almost out of the question, I would think, but we might stand a chance of getting rid of the mutts.

Chatted with Kim some more last night. I looked up her address on Google Maps to see where she was and wow! The house looks ancient but it’s huge and it’s in a country setting with plenty of breathing room around her. I can imagine just how peaceful it must be there. Of course if we suddenly move there, the neighbors would start engine gunning and leaving dogs outside all the time, but all she says she hears is wildlife…coyotes, turkeys, and other birds. There is a barn on her property as well as a huge detached garage and a nice garden. She’s kind of close to the street but there are woods behind her place.

Her husband Jim does organ pipe repair. Her son Heath is 19 and her daughter Heather is 17. They’re both still living at home.

The lady, Anne S, came and took pictures of the house, both inside and out. She lives in the park. I don’t know when the for-sale sign will be in place. We just hope we get some lookers!

He may have fixed the leak in the master bathroom shower. He noticed a rusty line stemming down the shower wall from where the showerhead is and told me that was a sign it was leaking inside the wall which would therefore cause the water to pool on the floor in front of it. I didn’t know that. I thought it was simply rusted because it was old. I’m still going to shower in the bigger one, though, because it’s roomier.

So we thought about it and we might consider getting a third pod and taking my bed after all. That way I’ll have something to sleep on until I can get a better bed, then give the dented thing back to him.

Went to the dentist yesterday to get the crown replaced. It took longer to prep the thing than to cement it. We thought it would be hundreds of dollars but it was only $78. I’m definitely going to miss this dentist. She seems to be way more up-to-date and competent than Dr. H was.

After I’m done treating my nails with Lamisil, we’ll evaluate the toe with the stripe again. He wants to take a toothpick dipped in polish remover and see if he can remove the stripe but I have a feeling he won’t be able to. Really don’t think it’s polish stuck in a ridge no matter how deep it may be. It’s just a problem I’ve never had before and I also don’t think the nail is split because I’ve had split nails every now and then and I can feel when they’re split. Also, I’ve never had split nails in my toenails.

Got tired of being anxious so I decided to skip my meds today and I am almost disappointed to find that so far I’m feeling fine. I know it sounds funny but I wish I was feeling anxious because that would suggest it really was hormonal. Yet I still think the medication is involved somehow. That would totally suck if it was but it still seems like it could be as much of a culprit as changing hormones. My day isn’t over yet, though. Maybe I’ll get anxious later. God knows I’ve had enough sugar and wine today. Yeah, we ran out to Rite Aid. The 5-layer Talenti ice cream we got was awesome.

Kim and I have been sharing messages and memes every day and I found out she works at Yankee Candle a couple of times a week. They’re given a bunch of candles and votives periodically and she offered to send some. That’s when I took the opportunity to get her address, letting her know I would soon have something in the mail for her. I’m about 1/4 of the way done with her multicolor cat and butterfly diamond painting.

Here we go with the fucking barking again. Really hope the fucking thing isn’t going off when we show the place!

Just like Molly ratted me out, in a sense, to Aly when she gave her my bogus profile to look up the email behind it, she just gave Aly away on the “Karly” thing from around 2012 or so. This was when Kathy and I were anonymously picking on her on MyOpera. I asked if Karly was really Aly and she said yes, she thinks it was. I pretty much figured as much, though.

But Tom doesn’t think it was an elaborate hacking on her part but just common sense. Just like I could tell “Karly” was really her, she could figure me out too, by the way I worded things. I don’t know, though. I always had a feeling she hacked MyOpera, Ask, and God knows what else. Maybe PB? I just wouldn’t be surprised if she somehow managed to get a copy of all my journals from the beginning on up until whenever.

I also learned today why I haven’t found where she’s buried. Because she’s not. She’s been cremated.

Yesterday my emotions were off, something I’m still experiencing way too often. It wasn’t so much that I was anxious but maybe just feeling blah and depressed. Or bored. It’s kind of hard to really describe. Not sure the black cohosh is doing me any good but there’s a chance it may be causing fatigue. I read that it could cause that so I’m going to skip this morning’s dose and see how I feel.

The beginning of the end of Roe versus Wade has begun, or so it seems. But I figured as much once Amy Coney Barrett got in. Even before. While it’s sad, sick and infuriating, it could also be a good thing in the end. It could lower the population even more by making people even more careful. Plus you’re going to have a lot of deaths from homemade abortions which will also help lower it.

I still don’t get it, though. In this country, as well as some others, women are getting more and more frowned upon for having kids while getting more and more praise for building careers. Yet they want to force women to have kids? Guess it really is all about power and control. I’m still wondering the same thing, though. When are women going to finally get fed up enough to fight back? As I learned the hard way, we’re only victims if we allow ourselves to be. I didn’t have to be a victim in Arizona but I was stupid. It’s time for women to smarten up!

I don’t know what annoys me more, turkeys holding up traffic or rude people chatting in the middle of the street.

Anyway, we went to Safeway for the first time in quite a while. We had a bunch of pennies sitting in a jar for ages so we exchanged them at their Coinstar for $9 of Amazon credit. Then we grabbed a few things and came back to the house.

Yesterday I finished the rainbow swirl diamond painting and started the colorful cat and butterfly I’m doing for Kim.

Gerry was away for several days and it was wonderful not hearing her mutt. She returned yesterday and let it take a shit fit for a few minutes. So I’m sure I’ll be listening to that on and off while we’re still here but at least it’s not nearly as bad as the dog that’s definitely left unattended in the back of one of the houses we looked at when we first started checking out this park. I feel bad for the people around them! It would be very hard for me not to say anything if I was one of them. They built a little pen that runs along the backside of their house.

No change in my toe ring toe but my baby toe on the same foot looks like it may have a faint stripe appearing in the center of it as well. I still don’t know what to think but we wanted to give it a few days of being uncovered to see if anything fades after a few showers before we made a decision as to what to do about it and when.

Fuck. Just fuck. The toe next to my left big toe looks like it may have Melanoma based on the thin dark streak running from the cuticle to the tip. God, I hope not! Hopefully, it’s just the fungus I’ve had for some time and the ridges I also have are simply making it look like Melanoma.

So I ran around to my bathroom to inspect my toe as soon as I hopped out of the shower this morning to inspect it with my glasses and my first thought was definitely Melanoma. But then when I looked at it in the kitchen through the magnifier, I was not sure. There is a possibility that the fungus that’s wedged underneath that particular ridge just happened to darken as weird as that may sound.

Read that the average person waits 2.2 years upon noticing it to get a diagnosis. If it really is Melanoma, the skinny dark line will fatten. But I should have time to get out of here first. Also, if it is, there’s a good chance they’ll have to remove the nail entirely. ☹ From what I understand that’s where it starts. Melanoma is considered an aggressive form of skin cancer even if it’s in your nails, and I read that if you’ve had actinic keratosis as I had, you’re more likely to have other forms of skin cancer.

Wish I could remember the last time I polished those nails! It likely formed within the last four to six weeks if it’s Melanoma. If it is, there’s a part of me that’s tempted to do nothing at all and leave it to fate but I don’t think it’s something that resolves on its own. Unless I’m reading wrong, it will eventually spread and kill you.

My opinion alone isn’t enough. I still want his on Monday which is what he says we should wait for. If it’s serious we could use it as a convenient way out for me although I might not have time to do all the things I want to do in Florida first. But then I wouldn’t have to kill myself later on if he died first. The only problem is that he would be looking at many years alone and we wouldn’t want that either. So I guess we just hope it’s nothing. This isn’t the time to be dealing with this shit when we have enough on our plate right now continuing to prep the house and then get the hell out of here.