I’m both surprised and worried by the fact that I’m going to be wrong on at least two of my predictions and almost certainly others as well. It’s just not like me to be that wrong. Tom says I’m still psychic but I definitely don’t feel like it right now.

We’re still doing this and that to help get rid of this damn place little by little. He read that all you had to do was spray bleach mixed with water onto the ceiling to get rid of old water stains and while it stunk the place up for a while, it worked!

He got wood-colored markers in different shades to touch up scuff marks on the cabinets.

Aly said I was right. The nurses won’t admit she’s in peri now despite a simple Google search telling her the truth. As I told her, I had to ask about it on my own, and 99% of what I learned about it was through Google searches. If it wasn’t for Google, I would really be lost on a lot of things. I mean, I still don’t know for sure that the anxiety is on the menopause and not the medication but I would be a hell of a lot more in the dark than I am now If it wasn’t for Google. Plus, I get to learn about other illnesses and conditions that other people have so I can understand what they’re going through better.

I don’t understand why so many doctors and nurses are quick to dismiss talk of perimenopause and menopause as if it’s some kind of taboo subject we should be ashamed of instead of a natural process that all women go through. I can kind of see them wanting to dodge, deflect and deny claims of anxiety connected to levothyroxine because there aren’t many alternatives but why be so quick to automatically assume a person is “just anxious” and prescribe psych meds? That just doesn’t work for everyone.

After thinking about it, I don’t think Aly’s in peri. I would think she’d go straight to menopause because when you have your ovaries, you go through the gradual decline of estrogen and progesterone and it’s a process that can take the better part of a decade. This could actually be a good thing for her, though. In scrapping her ovaries altogether, she might only be dealing with symptoms for closer to half a decade or less. I just hope to hell she’s one of the lucky ones who doesn’t get to experience the scary symptoms! It’s one thing to be uncomfortable but it’s another thing to be terrified or wishing you could drop dead.

She said she doesn’t think of herself as being secretive really. More like if she doesn’t share something it’s because I don’t see it as important to share but a new job is nothing to hide unless it’s illegal in some way. Also, she wouldn’t necessarily share some illnesses at first especially if she was still getting used to the diagnosis, and sometimes again if there’s something she doesn’t share it’s simply because it doesn’t occur to her to share. Lastly, she hopes that helps at least some.

Yeah, whatever. I get what she’s saying but how can it not occur to her to share a picture of her and Cam? How is it not important to give what’s supposed to be one of her best friends her address? Unless, of course, he either doesn’t exist or isn’t anything like what she described.

Didn’t like how she asked if my package got delivered and said that her parents forget to bring her mail to her. After all this time they still haven’t mentioned my package to her? It did say it was left by their door, so I hope to hell it wasn’t stolen! I would be SO pissed and I would never send another thing again.

Still watching Three Days to Live. It’s interesting but damn! Any judge that allows a convicted sex offender of any kind to be released should be held just as responsible as the offender when they repeat their crimes, and that’s guaranteed to happen from everything I’ve heard.

Earlier…

Had a few hours of mild anxiety after I finished the rest of my wine in the middle of my day yesterday. I’ll give it one more day. If tonight isn’t good, I’m definitely going to skip a couple of days. If that doesn’t help, I’ll skip a couple more.

Right now I’m back to wondering about the med. I hope to hell I’m wrong but I figure that if I feel I need to skip, I should skip and not worry too much about whether it’s a psychological effect or not because I’m going to eventually become post-menopausal enough to know for sure if it is the med or not. If it’s on the menopause, then I won’t always get anxious and therefore feel compelled to skip.

If it is on the med then I’ll have to hunt for a doctor who will believe me and would be willing to work with me to try to figure out what to do about it. I’m guessing the only thing I can do, though, is what I’ve been doing and that’s to make periodic skips. I swear it’s like something doesn’t want me having a normal thyroid just like it doesn’t want me living somewhere I absolutely love!

Tonight I have no wine and no sugar so I’m hoping for a better night. Started the Lupin brand and I’ll alternate to ease my way into it.

As a promo thing a horse racing site was doing, Tom was given free betting money. He won $60 and decided to just cash out there rather than gamble it away.

Had to order new reading glasses as these are just way too narrow for my head and squeeze my temples uncomfortably. That was dumb of me not to check the frame width first. 117 is too narrow. I need to stay in the 127-135 range. I got the same frame my progressives are only they’re blue instead of pink. Even though they have nose pads, they’re comfortable and fit me well.

I’m glad they have six colors of this frame because I can then alternate between three of them every time I need new glasses (until they stop selling them). Next time I’ll get gold, silver, and gray so that when I get the next set in pink, black, and blue, I won’t get the old ones mixed up with the new ones as I turn them into backups.

Those markers that stain scuffs on cabinets and doors work great. Also, there was termite damage to the back wall of the house and a section of the storeroom wall before we moved in here and that area was never repainted. Originally, he thought he was going to have to buy paint and do the whole backside of the house and part of the storeroom since he didn’t think doing a section would match the original paint, but when he was going through things in a cabinet that was left behind the storeroom, he found a gallon of exterior paint that’s still in great condition and that matches the house.

I think that if we ever get out of here, we’re just going to stay there no matter what it’s like. The only way I can not get stuck somewhere is if I go in with the attitude that it’s forever. So how do you get stuck somewhere you never plan to leave?

The only moving dreams I had were very vague. The first one had to do with me telling Tom that I had a dream about moving and I guess it was something positive even though I don’t remember what.

Then I had a dream that my parents were alive and visiting. They were sitting in our living room, wherever that was. Dad asked if it was noisy, and out of habit since I’d lived in noisy places for so long, I said it was. Then I remembered we moved and said, but not nearly as noisy as the other place.

Anyway, I’m more worried than ever about Aly. She left me a couple of very chilling messages. In the first message, she wrote: I just found out the chemo I’ll be doing isn’t curative, my lungs look better, I’m malnourished because of the cancer, and it won’t take much for me to get sicker. Will be going to the ER soon because my colostomy is infected or something and I may need surgery. Oh, and I’m getting another blood transfusion. This scares me. I’ve heard and read stories about people beating the odds but I don’t see that being me. Fuck this. Fuck it all.

Ten minutes later she wrote: I’m going to die. All they’re doing is giving me comfort care. It could be soon. This sucks. I’ve hardly lived. Well, maybe my dad or our neighbor can figure out my phone when it happens to let you know.

Although this was very scary to read, I’m really hoping she will pull through and that she is just freaking out because of all she’s going through. Anyone would freak out after all the medical shit she has had to go through. Since when is chemo not curative, though? It’s supposed to kill things, not treat them. Also, they wouldn’t have moved her to a rehab center if she was dying. They would have put her in a Hospice. Noticed she never mentioned Cam as someone to contact me if she dies.

I told her to give her father or anyone else she trusts my email address so I can be contacted that way. But Tom and I both agree she’ll make it. I don’t know if she’ll live to get old but even though anything is possible, I honestly can’t see her dying now. God, I hope not! I would be absolutely devastated and would miss her tremendously.