I don’t know if there’s an afterlife or not, but if there is, happy 41st birthday Aly! Miss you sooo much!

It still saddens me so much to know that she’s forever gone. We’re never going to have a chance to meet. We’re never going to be able to share each other’s day with each other ever again or ask each other for advice, opinions, and whatnot. I miss having a friend who was intelligent. Like, really, really intelligent. Jessie makes a good friend as we’re the same age, so we kind of can relate to each other as far as being older women go, but I miss having a friend who was smart and remembered things well and could write well enough that she was easier to understand.

The million-dollar question is WHY? If there is a God up there, why didn’t it help to save her? Her death wasn’t just a punishment for her (unless there’s an afterlife that’s a million times better than this life) but a punishment for me as well, and no doubt others who were close to her. Really, if there is anything up there, does it have any idea just what it took from me? Does it even give a shit?

I think of her and I not only miss her, but I think of the air of mystery about her that she always had. She was definitely mysterious and kind of secretive in many ways. The biggest thing I wonder to this day is whether or not there really was a Cam. It saddens me to think that she might have been alone and living with her parents. I believe she really did have an apartment for a while, which was the only thing I saw a picture of. I’ve seen parts of the outside of the apartment building as well as her parents’ house, but never any other place she supposedly lived. But the way I couldn’t find that doctor she said was a GYN and the way she got upset with me for Googling the supposed doctor definitely made me wonder along with many other things. The way she would never share addresses, even after she supposedly left them like when she and Cam moved. The way Cam was never mentioned in the obit. The way I never saw a picture of him. Again, it’s sad to think she might have been alone in the end. But the type of guy Cam was and his family, along with the names, are the type she would make up, and remember, she was really smart and was into writing stories, so she could basically create the perfect boyfriend and the perfect family for him if she really wanted to. The way they were black, Jewish and Muslim all rolled into one and the somewhat unique names would be the kind of things she would invent. Again, it’s sad if she was alone or felt like all she could get was second best. Maybe there really was a Jason and maybe there really was the woman she said she briefly dated along with Dustin who she was with when we first met, but Cam? If I had to guess, she was perfectly single and living with her parents. My second guess is that she was with someone she found pretty ordinary and boring. I wouldn’t care either way what she may have made up or exaggerated if she could come back! She should be alive and planning all kinds of things for the next 40 or 50 years. We should be chatting every day. She should be writing those stories. She should be enjoying her job with children.

Even though she’s gone forever, I wished her a happy birthday on Twitter. If she’s in any kind of an afterlife, what’s it like for her? Is she happier there? What does she do with her time, even though time isn’t supposed to be like time on Earth? Is she angry and resentful that she died so soon? Why haven’t I ever sensed her presence?

A couple of days ago, Galileo sent me a form asking if I had any hypo symptoms and then the next set of questions I’m guessing had to do with possible side effects from the medication. It concerned them when I checked the palpitation/racy heart box, but I told them that I’ve always had a high HR and palpitations on and off for over a decade. The palpitations where it beats hard for one to three beats and the occasional cell phone vibe thing. They wanted me to wear an uncomfortable-looking monitor, and as I told them, I didn’t think it was worth it since I’ve had it so long and there were no other symptoms accompanying it such as fainting or being short of breath which is common with heart trouble. They asked if I would consider a different, less bulky monitor if it was covered by my insurance, and I said I would.

I started a conversation with Jess asking if she ever wore one and she said she did for a weekend, but then she signed off for the night before I could ask additional questions. We’re kind of on opposite schedules lately. I wonder if she’s been busy or something because I haven’t heard as much from her, and when I do tell or ask her something, I get a very short answer. She’s not always consistent either. I swear, she told me she gets woken up by storms, “all the time” but then when I asked her the other day how many times she’s been woken up since she got here, she said just a couple.

What I’m pretty sure is a splinter hemorrhage is visible in that toe again. The one next to the big one. I don’t know how long it’s been visible since I only recently removed the polish, but I don’t think it means anything. Not anything to worry about anyway. The nails will be exposed for quite a while, so I’ll keep an eye on them.

Andy is his usual delusional self. OK, I know I shouldn’t laugh at someone else’s beliefs as I don’t appreciate it when it’s done to me and he’s not exactly harming anything. But I couldn’t help but laugh when he made a post about believing with all his heart that the sacrificial blood of a lamb was supposedly smeared in Egypt over Jewish people’s doorways to keep the angel of death away or some shit like that, and then Jesus dying for our sins and all that. But I still believe the Bible is just a bunch of stories. Why didn’t this work for the Jews that were victims of the Holocaust? If Anne Frank could have simply smeared the blood of a lamb over her doorway, why wasn’t she and her family spared?

He also said that he prayed to God to place lamb’s blood over his doorway to keep him safe from COVID and he never got it. Funny, because neither did Tom and I yet we never prayed. Go figure.

Despite sleeping 8.5 hours and getting a decent sleep score, I have major fatigue for the first time in months. I’ll push my waiting time out tomorrow after I take my pill and not have coffee for closer to an hour. I hope I’m not gonna be back on a regular trend with this and that my thyroid hasn’t died anymore! I’m going to really be bummed out if my TSH isn’t down to at least 11. If it’s the same or worse, I don’t know what I’ll do. Probably beat my head into the wall. I really hope it doesn’t come to that. I feel overwhelmed and hopeless enough when it comes to my health.