Mary and I were supposed to go out but we never did cuz Mary came up with an excuse, as usual.

You wouldn’t believe the shit the little nervous prickhead pulled tonight. God, is he childish! I wonder if he could ever realize just what a fool he sounds like and makes of himself. He’s just like a little boy! Desperate for attention.

Fran was going to stay over tonight and he got so jealous he was saying he wanted to come over here and kick him out and that it’d be nice if once in a while he could sleep over. Oh God, when is he gonna get the message?!?! With his attitude, behavior and pushiness who the hell would want him over or associate with him in any way? When’s he gonna look in the mirror and grow up? Why did I ever get involved? Males are males and they get sicker and sicker. Fuck them! Fuck them all.

I’m glad the little nervous prick didn’t call back cuz I really don’t want to waste my time talking to him. He’s an ass and his calling me when I move is only gonna waste time and money and his coming to see me is gonna get him beat up.

You should’ve heard him earlier on the phone whining like a baby when I told him I’d speak to him tomorrow. As I was starting to hang up he goes, “Or in 5 minutes.” Shit, is he desperate! Look in the mirror, you bastard, and ask yourself why!

Later...

I just ate 6 of those Pillsbury baking biscuits! What a record-breaker for me. I don’t even feel sick, full or nauseous.

Later...

It is almost 4:00 in the morning and I am still in Springfield, MA. I am starting this journal the same night I finished my second one. I have decided to photocopy my other journals for Nervous, rather than give him the books. Then he can read all the nasty things I wrote about him.

Tomorrow I see Debbie over at Osborne. They’re no longer doing home visits.

I just left a message where Nervous is working at the BMC (bulk mail center) for him to call me. I’m pissed at him but want to ask him for the money it’ll cost to photocopy my journals.

Nights like this when I’m up all night make me wish I had those sleeping pills cuz they really help just to put my schedule back. Tomorrow I’ll call Dr. Donoghue for that and also my Navane.

Something is definitely wrong with Mary. I called her last night and she sounded like something awful happened. She said she’d call me back but never did. Then I tried to call at night and got no answer. I also tried calling earlier to try to catch her before she went to work and got no answer. I got no answer where she works either. What happened? Did she get sick? Did she get raped?

Guess what? Speaking of coincidence Mary just called. She was at work but wouldn’t tell me what happened. She said it didn’t have anything to do with Margaret or Ray and that she did not get raped. All she said was that she “fucked up really bad last night” and didn’t want me to call her at work. She says she’ll call me when she gets home. I’m pissed at her for not giving me an explanation last night and not being able to talk to me when she should know I’m here for her. I asked her if she went with another girl and she said, no of course not, but I’m still pissed and confused. She’s got too many problems and excuses and I wonder if I should even get involved. That’s how stupid I am, though.

Nervous never called. I wonder if he will later this morning. I’m sure he will eventually. Boy, have I ever felt better since the weather’s cooled down. I hate summer like I hate males. Every summer something goes wrong and I feel lousy physically and mentally. I wouldn’t wish what I go through on my worst enemy. Now I feel so much more stable, livelier, more alert. The cold does me great, though I also hate the cold at the same time and miss the warmth.

It looks like I’ll stay awake throughout the day today to fix my schedule. I need to call Dr. Donoghue today and like I said I see Debbie today at 2:00.

Tonight I must call my cousin Philip about meeting Gloria at her concert on Sept. 3rd and I must call Cecelia, a deaf friend, who I recently met. It’s too bad we couldn’t have been roommates but she hates this area, not that I can blame her. She’s always lived with her parents. She’s 41 but looks 21. I haven’t told her I’m moving yet but I’ll have to. The only thing that bothers me about her is that she seems a bit prejudiced against gays.

Mary just called me again and told me what happened last night. She’s a recovering alcoholic and she said she messed up and drank. She was at the Orange Cafe, had no money, didn’t plan to drink, but did anyhow and never called to tell me or to tell me why. She said she’s going to the AA meeting tonight but I’m really beginning to wonder about her. She called me yesterday from work before we were due to go out and obviously before she went to the Orange so it sounds like she planned this. Especially backing out of our date. I’m pissed, but to hell with her! I can’t picture myself in bed with her anyway. I’ll let her go find someone on her level. She’s just not my type.

Later...

I just finished talking with my niece Lisa and Tammy. I want to do something nice for everyone for moving me. I feel bad never having gotten anything for Father’s and Mother’s Day or Becky’s 1st b-day or Tammy’s or my parent’s anniversaries.

I asked Tammy if I’d be able to move by October. She said hopefully sooner. I hope so, too.

When Saratoga drugstore opens, I’m going to go photocopy my journals. Right now I’m gonna call the bank and check on a check that I fear may have bounced.

Later...

The customer service center at SIS doesn’t open till 8:30, 5 more minutes. The drugstore’s not even open yet either. I just put on my makeup. I’m warming up half a cup of coffee and waiting for things to open.

The phone just rang. I thought it was Nervous but they just hung up whoever it was. It probably was Nervous, after all.

I can hear Mattie’s radio next door in her kitchen.

Tomorrow’s the 1st and the bastard downstairs is supposed to move. He got evicted.

Later...

I photocopied my first journal and part of my second for Nervous. He’s going to have to pay me for this and I know he’ll think it’s well worth the money.

He never called either. I bet he thinks I’m sleeping. The little bastard thinks he knows me quite well.

I ran into Hank downstairs. He says he’s not moving to Florida cuz there are more Hispanics than up here.

Carolyn, Dr. Donoghue’s secretary called in my prescription at Shopper’s Drug. I’ll need to get it later. I’m paranoid about going out again though cuz my eyes are so red from lack of sleep that it looks like I’m drunk or stoned. I should try to get some sleep, but I kind of want to wait till later on tonight so my schedule’s normal again.

Both Tammy and Ma say these duplexes are beautiful that they looked at. I can’t fucking wait to get the fuck outa here. I really wonder how often Nervous will call or come try to see me? Little desperate puppies are unpredictable at times, although I know this one quite well. Sick. Sick. Sick.

Yesterday I ran into Fran and he says he’s seen Crystal, who I tossed out a while back. She’s a loser too, and always will be. Fran says he’s decided not to get a phone again so I wonder if he’ll write to me. We’ll see.

Oh, what nasty letters I’ll write Nervioso. Poor little motherfucker was sick at the thought of Fran spending the night and jumped for joy when he didn’t. Nervous will never sleep here. Never. When is he gonna get the hint? All he’s good for is to use, and he’s a sucker for it, too. I’ve had him wrapped around my finger since day one. I’ll just continue to fuck up his head.

Later...

Nervous is here. I just gave him the journals. He’s reading them now. I warned him that there’s a lot of nasty shit about him, but I only write what I feel and what I believe is true.

I spoke to Mary earlier who feels really miserable but made it to her AA meeting, nonetheless. She asked me if I’d go with her Friday. There are only gay people which she says makes her feel more comfortable than the ones with straight people.

I tried to call Philip but he was out playing racquetball so I spoke to my aunt Ruth. I’ve got to call back at 11:00, and hopefully get Phil and some good news about the concert too, but I doubt it.

It’s almost 9pm and Nervous is still here reading. This little shithead loves to spy. He mentioned my lights being off last night like they usually are when I’m just relaxing and talking on the phone. He started shaking and doing his nervous laugh, saying he never heard anyone doing that.

I can’t fucking wait till I move! I’m so sick of living here and I’m so sick of the people, especially Nervous himself. I don’t want to see him or talk to him when I move. He needs to find someone that’ll give him what he wants.

Later...

I just asked the nervous retard to leave as he drives me nuts. The idea of me moving is killing him. He was just spying outside my front door till Mattie came out. Then he ran away like a little chicken. He’s sick.

I’m drinking a cup of coffee now waiting for 11:00 to roll around so I can call Philip, but I’m so tired that I think I’ll just go to sleep.

Tomorrow I’m gonna go finish my photocopying for the nosy fuckup who I know will enjoy reading what he’s reading. I just love Nervous’s comment about moving. He goes, “Oh, so you go from bad to worse.”

See, that’s what he does when he doesn’t like a situation. He makes it sound tragic. A male is a male. What can I say? He’ll never grow up. He said he could drive down there every day. Let him try. I’ll beat the shit out of him and that’s a promise, not a threat. He’ll die. He’s gonna have to do what’s best for him and take the hint and say goodbye. Let him get the woman he swears he can get. I’ll be damned if I’ll hold his hand 24 hours a day, a 47-year-old nervous fart with mental problems. Go to hell asshole!

I hope my sister gets those papers with my monthly income and my bank balance by tomorrow so she can fill out an application for an apartment for me. But I want to know exactly what I’m getting and if it’s possible to move if I don’t like it. I don’t want them handling too much of my affairs, and I also think I should fill out my own application.

When I do move I don’t plan to ever have a car. I can’t ever afford it and I hate driving. It would be nice to have someone support me, though. Be nice to be married. But I want money of my own, too. Guess I’ll never sing, though. You can’t make it in Norwich, CT, and I have no connections. Not the ones I want anyway. If my sister or mother think they’re gonna hold me back from trying, though, or anything else, they’ve got another thing coming to them. And if there are any hassles and they try to throw up in my face their getting the apartment for me, then there’ll be hell for that, too.

Later...

I’m feeling a little bummed out and a little apprehensive about the move being so close to my sister. I don’t know if I trust her. Or my mom. I mean, they want me to consider their interests but what about mine?

I don’t give a shit about what they think of my singing or guitar playing anymore. I don’t want to or have to prove anything to them. Only to myself. They’re jealous just like Phil said and everyone knows it. You can’t change people like that and eventually, you just don’t want to or give a damn. Tammy’s the only one on this earth that denies I can sing and hasn’t heard me for 3 years but then again, 3 years ago I wasn’t that good. Those voice lessons really helped practically overnight. Mom and Dad say it’s fairly decent but I need to quit smoking. I never claimed to be a perfect singer but I’ve got enough to get by. Nor would I ever want to be overly famous. I’ll just take it as far as it goes, though. Far enough, hopefully, but also hopefully, not too far. Who knows what could happen with it? I never tried. I’ve been so negative. No more or I’ll never get anywhere. I couldn’t live with myself if I never even tried. I’d always wonder what could have happened with my dream. But I know I’ll have to work for it and that it won’t happen overnight.

Later...

I tried to reach Phil but couldn’t.

Nervous says my moving is pretty fucked up. I told him to go play with himself. I don’t need anyone with his kinds of problems anywhere near me. He’s out of my life as of now. I deserve better friends than him which I have. He won’t give up and let go, so I just did it for him.

Ma says she’ll call this weekend or before if she finds out any information regarding an apartment.

Tomorrow night I definitely need to call Cecelia and I’ve got to pay rent tomorrow, too.

Emily told me today that she’s so fucking sick of seeing Nervous in the store. He is so fucking desperate. He’s dying to be a hero and thinks he’s so tough and macho. I’d love to see the fucker make a pass at me or come visit me when I move. He’s going to have to let go and find the woman he says he can so easily just like I said. He’s crazy. He’s outa my life in two months, hopefully less, but meanwhile, I’ll use the shit out of him while I’m here, even though I really don’t have to.

I hope Nervioso gets those boxes so I can start some packing. Maybe he won’t, though, cuz the idea of me moving is killing him.

I decided to tell both Emily and Nellie about my moving. They were happy for me, yet sad.

When I asked Nervous to get me boxes, he got a major case of the shakes. The guy’s so hooked on me that it isn’t funny. I’ll be damned if I write to him or let him visit me. He’s gonna have to go out and get the woman he says he can get. Yeah, but what kind of a woman? What kind of decent woman is he going to get or keep? He’s a little shithead who lives on nothing but fantasies and does nothing but deny reality, his problems, and his shitty attitude. He’s just a little boy who’ll never grow up, but that’s his problem.

The nervous fucking bastard, who I never should’ve told to call me, is calling at 2:00, but I may be asleep. He said he called 4 times last night. Is that desperate or what? It’s funny just how long he hangs on the phone when I’m on the other line.

I passed the state board exam today with a 95%. It was a breeze!

Nervioso is on the telephone right now. He’s listening to what I’m writing. I might give him these journals before I leave MA, as there are too many bad times here and I wish to start anew in CT and put the past behind me.

My Aunt Ruth and Cousin Philip are great. They treat me well. Phil’s gonna see if I can meet Gloria at her concert in Bristol, CT on Sept. 3rd through a friend of his who promotes the concerts there.

The only thing Aunt Ruth said that was kind of mean, or negative, I should say, was, “You can hardly take care of yourself, so how could you take care of a kid?” when we were discussing the subject. I don’t think needing rides constitutes not being able to take care of myself. If I couldn’t take care of myself, I wouldn’t have been on my own this long.

I wasn’t going to tell Emily about my moving cuz I feel she has abandoned our friendship. But maybe I will. If I don’t, she’ll always wonder what became of me. Maybe I’ll try calling her later, and also, I’ll call Nellie but won’t tell her yet.

I wonder how long it’s gonna take before I move. The sooner the better. I just don’t know if I’ll always like being close to Tammy, but I’ve learned to ignore her bullshit anyhow.

I’m now at Dunkin Donuts with Nervous, and believe it or not, we’re having a very intelligent conversation. I feel a little guilty for using him. He has a lot of problems, but I’m not perfect either. Our friendship has gotten much better over the last few months.

Many months ago I had mentioned the possibility of moving to Norwich so I’d be near Tammy. Tammy, Mom and I had discussed it. Tammy called tonight saying that she’d been thinking about it more and more and that that way I’d be near her when Mom and Dad are in Florida, and near everyone when they’re at the beach which is only 20 minutes away. I like the idea of a new start in a new place with new people. Dad says Norwich is smaller than Springfield and that it’s more like East Longmeadow with no tall buildings. They’re gonna try to get me subsidized there. Tammy says it’s very easy to get around and that Norwich has everything. She and I are going to take the buses so I learn how to get around there. Hopefully, my benefits will be higher there, too. I just hope it’s soon. I wanna get outa here!

I went to Falcetti’s music store and talked to Sam, the owner, about working in sales and playing guitar. It looks like I might be working in the Holyoke Mall.

Nellie was over earlier. She gave me $5. Also, Lisa visited with her. I knew her when I lived on the corner of Locust and Woodside. Well, they live on the opposite corner.

I’m not staying at Mary’s tonight cuz her sister’s having company. She’s staying here.

We’re using Nervous’s car for the state board test next week, but I don’t really want to. I’d much rather go with my mom. I very seldom see Nervous anymore, but the little I do see him, he drives me nuts. Why did I get involved? I feel so much better when I don’t see him. I can get along fine. Besides, he’s so obsessed with me!

Today Tammy is 31. I called her this morning.

Last night I didn’t go grocery shopping. I fell asleep and so did Phil. Mary never came over either. She fell asleep, too. She’s coming over tonight instead, and Phil’s taking me shopping tonight, too.

Dad’s supposed to be in sometime this week. He said he’ll call me. Guess we’re gonna get together. Hope I can sing for him.

I have a lot of errands to do today and a lot of phone calls to make. I’ve got to call my dentist and GYN. I’ve also got to call Carabetta today about the crossed wires in the doorbells. They’ve been ringing me when they really mean to ring someone upstairs. Lastly, I’m going to go to Essie’s Salon about getting new extensions. I took out the ones I had cuz I didn’t have enough hair and it turned frizzy as all hell on me. They stayed in well, though, and it was a royal bitch just to get them out.

Debbie’s coming today at 4:00.

Last night, sure enough, Mary did cancel the concert saying there was no way to get there, and her friend Carla broke her leg. There’s always an excuse and I don’t think we’re meant for each other so I think it’s best just to walk away.

I’m also walking from Al, too. I’m sick of his shit and the aggravation just isn’t worth it. Never again will I get involved other than for friendships.

Unfortunately, it’s still too early to make any phone calls or take a bath cuz there’s no hot water. I was pissed. I need to wash my hair and shave.

Later...

Therapy was really frustrating but we finally discussed my feelings about where I thought she was coming from. Yes, this is strictly therapeutic. Thank God, in a way.

I spoke to Mary on the phone this morning. She said she really felt bad and that she’s not making any more plans till she has her car. However, I went to see her at Dough Show where she bought me a slice of pizza and we talked after she finished work, then we took the Belmont bus. We really had a good talk, and on the bus, she asked me if I liked flowers. I said yes, and when she asked me what kind, I told her tulips.

I told Mary I mentioned her to Tammy and let her know she didn’t have to be afraid of letting her know that she likes me.

Mary’s going to come over for the night if she’s feeling ok. She lives with her pregnant twin sister Margaret and her husband. She said she’d call when they get home.

They fixed my doorbell today. No more false visitors.

Al was over yesterday afternoon, and now I wonder if the talk we had will get us anywhere. I try to tell him how I feel, but I can never say the right words or express myself the right way.

I asked him to make love to me, but then he said he was afraid I’d accuse him of wanting only sex. He also said he didn’t feel we were made for each other. I feel that he feels I’m abnormal and that I’m not good enough for him. I don’t think he could ever love me. I wish he’d talk more positively to me and focus on my good points more, rather than always negative ones. He’s always so serious, too.

My feelings about Al are really confusing. My thoughts drift from one extreme to another. I know deep down that we’re not right for each other. But I know there’s no such thing as the kind of relationship I want with the type of woman I want, so what am I to do? Be alone forever? I have to learn to settle sooner or later, don’t I?

I know I could never have sex with Mary. She’s just so ugly. But maybe an ugly woman’s better than a guy. I guess I’ll never know unless I try. I mean, she’s very nice, but is she the right person for me? I can’t imagine that being the case.

Later...

I have a urinary tract infection so tomorrow I’ll have to call Dr. Booker for an antibiotic. I just hope he doesn’t have to see me first.

Food Mart was jam-packed today, so Philip is going to take me tomorrow night at 10:00. That’s better in a way, cuz before I go I need to get my food stamps.

I am waiting for Mary to call about the Gloria concert. She’s not sure if we can go or not. No way to get there and back. No money for a taxi either. I hope she’ll at least come over here, and if she does, I hope she stays more than 5 minutes like usual. Also, I promised her I’d fix her hair really nicely, and she promised she’d look at my stereo about why one of the cassette decks sounds funny. I think it just needs a cleaning job.

I can’t believe how well Motrin really works. It’s amazing. I took it for the pain in my gut due to the damn infection only 5 minutes ago and it’s gone.

I haven’t heard from Fran in ages. Before he got his phone disconnected he used to call every day. I miss my big brother. I wish he’d go to a pay phone and call cuz I miss our talks.

Also, I hope to hell Andy calls me sometime soon. He’s the best damn friend in the world, and that guy makes me laugh like you wouldn’t believe. We have so much in common. I feel bad about what I said to him about Judy, though, and I hope he’s not mad. I mentioned how phony she is and that she talks too much, but I think he realizes this. I’d really like to get together with him sometime soon so he can finish teaching me Talk to Me on the piano.

I just took time out to measure my waist and can you believe it’s a 23½!!! My lower gut’s a 26!!! That’s the lowest I’ve ever been in the 3 years I’ve been thin! Wow. Those water pills really were the answer. No wonder I was so bloated last winter. It was all water. Never again. This morning I noticed I was a little watery so I took a water pill which I’m supposed to anyway on the 15th day of my cycle, and what a difference! You bet your ass I’ll never be chunky again in my life, never mind obese. I’m now 97 pounds and have lost nearly 39 pounds.

Al just left. Guess for now it’s for the better, although we had an Ok talk.

I just fixed the clock that broke in the bedroom and got my mail organized.

That bitch Mary was supposed to come over for dinner but canceled as usual. She said she was gonna call but never did and I’m glad she didn’t. I’m really not interested. She’s butchy-looking and ugly, too.

I bought some puzzles today for my sister’s b-day and my parent’s anniversary. I also bought myself a new journal. It’s pretty.

Later...

Nervous says he can’t find any of the music I wanted. Also, he called Custom Electronics in Chicopee about getting my stereo cleaned. They want $35 just to open it. No way can I afford that. I just tried to clean it but it still sounds like something is wrong. I can tell even with one ear. I’m very picky about my stereo and the way my music sounds.

However, when I called Custom Electronics myself, I was told a cleaning job would only cost $24.

Later...

I am now in Santi’s ordering a cheese omelet.

I really mean to get out of where I’m living. I’ve always wanted to live where Emily lives but it’s $425 now plus gas and electricity. It would do me no good to apply for section 8 cuz that takes years. My mother just doesn’t understand what it means to me to move and how much happier I’d be. I’m pissed at her for saying last winter that she was gonna move me, and I’m pissed about her trying to trick me into supervised housing in Florida.

I deliberately slept all day and night to reverse my schedule. I didn’t get up until 9 PM.

Nervous came over and for once we had an ok visit. But how long will it last?

He says he’s getting me new guitar strings and the music book Canciones de mi Padre, which my favorite singer Linda Ronstadt recorded, for graduating from Mansfield.

They’re playing Gloria’s song Anything for You on the radio.

I qualify for discounts at Robin’s Beauty Supply store.

Later...

Well, today sure was a weird day. First Al dumped me, then he bought me a card cuz he didn’t want any hard feelings. It’s the best thing he could’ve done, cuz he just didn’t give a damn. He said it was necessary for both of us and in our best interest. This is true. I won’t miss his premature squirting dick, either.

Later...

I was thinking about Al before I fell asleep and when I did I dreamt about him. Sure enough, while I was talking to Emily my buzzer rang. It was him! I was so happy. We really had a great talk and he cheered me up and made me laugh. I just hope he’ll always continue to try to open up and talk to me and look at me in a more positive light. He’s someone I’m really learning to care for and want to with all my heart. I just hope he could care for me, too. He must somewhat or he wouldn’t have come back. I’d like him to care more about me besides sex and I think he’s trying to. Guess he’s just been hurt like I have and it’s going to take time. It’s only been two months but I’m really starting to like him. He and I were able to admit our faults, and I hope things will continue to get better and better.

Well, I slept all day yesterday so I’ve been up all night. Al spent the night. I tried to take his dick but it hurt like hell.

I want to take care of the health certificate and money order and also bring the pictures to Mansfield today so I can get my diploma. Then later I want to sleep as much as I can cuz I’m gonna be up all night at Andy’s. Judy and Al are to be gone overnight. I’m really looking forward to tonight. Andy’s a lot of fun and we have everything in common. I just hope Judy and Al don’t change their plans.

I really hope my shit of a mom will get me a portable washer and dryer real soon. It would be nice.

I got in a massive fight with her Wednesday, the day I graduated. She was in her usual impatient mood just dying to get off the phone, being very negative, inconsiderate and non-understanding, so I called her an asshole. We were supposed to get together yesterday but she never called about it cuz she’s pissed, but I really don’t give a damn.

Al says my brother’s the only smart one in the family for disowning my mother and that I should, too. Everyone says I should. Yes, I definitely should and I think I might someday soon. To hell with their money or gifts. It can’t replace the love I never had or will have.

Today I graduate. Thank fucking God!

I’m wicked tired today. I only slept a little over an hour last night as I spent the night with Al. We had an ok night. He finally managed to penetrate me. Not all the way, but I’m making progress. This is what my asshole mother considers dirty and me having no self-respect. She can go fuck herself. Hey, I wish I could make it alone forever with nobody but it’s a human need to want someone. Not every day and night of the week would I want someone, and I’d prefer a woman, but it’s nice once in a while.

Al angers me sometimes, though, with his negativity. I know he’s waiting till he finds someone better which he feels is “normal.” Males are so hard to talk to and they don’t understand or care. He never tells me how he feels and he never compliments me or tells me I’m attractive. But he’s not attractive either. He expects too much of me in some ways. He really wishes I didn’t have the past I have, but I can’t help it. My past is not my fault, nor can it be changed.

All this is why I prefer a woman, but there’s no such thing as a relationship with the kind of woman I dream of. Even so, I’ll be damned if I’ll settle for second best all my life.

Later...

I guess today is just going to drag on and on just like all the other days I’m here. I’m so bored.

Tomorrow I need to get that damn health certificate filled out and a $25 money order. When the state board exam is, I have no idea. I don’t even know whom I’m taking with me or how I’ll get there. Nervous is out of the question. I’m so sick of him.