Yesterday was a shitty day, but it ended up better. I kind of woke up on the wrong side of the bed cuz of not taking my meds, and I got my period, but what really brought me to the boiling point was my father. He must’ve been in a bad mood himself. I don’t know. I just can’t stand his attitude at times. He’s gonna be 58 on April 5th. He’s getting old.

Then Linda came over and calmed me down and cheered me up at the same time. I had taken my pills before she came over.

I’m surprised Tammy hasn’t called to see how I am since I moved. I mean, with all the times I’ve called her she should be considerate enough to see how I am here. She never really called that much on Oswego St., either. I’m the one that always did the calling.

Bruce came over at midnight last night and we had a fairly nice talk, then cuddled in bed and had sex. He was very respectful, gentle and sensitive and after trying little by little I could take him inside me. It hurt a little and it didn’t excite me, but I did enjoy the experience somewhat. I know I can’t be pregnant cuz I started my period today while I was on the phone making calls with Andy.

However, Bruce feels he can’t handle me as his girlfriend, saying he doesn’t admire me cuz of my attitude and my needing to change more. I feel like all my life I’ll be “needing to change,” but he says he really cares and that I’m a good person and will be my friend. He also says I’m not too thin and am attractive with a nice body. I put on makeup for him for the first time.

Al and Jessie were gonna come over earlier, but Bruce and Linda were here instead, and Al got home late and needed to go food shopping. We all talked the other night on the phone and we had a really good talk. I’ll never forget, though, how much Al sucks in bed. He’s after Jessie now. She can have him!

No matter what, I still prefer a woman. Bruce isn’t ugly, and no, he’s not the typical male, but I want a female. I even asked Andy and he agrees. He says I’m definitely gay and there’s no way I could be straight. There is no way for sure that I could be sexually attracted to a man the way I have been to a woman.

Today I’m going grocery shopping and I’m also gonna finish my laundry.

I almost forgot to say that Andy and I had a hell of a time on the phone early this morning around 2:30 or so. We got some really funny names to rank on.

Someone swiped my green pen and that pisses me off cuz I like to write in different colors.

I left a message for the sicko to call at about 1:30 this afternoon, but he never did cuz he probably never went back to the deli afterward, so I hope to hell he calls today so I can get him all nervous and find out why he lied about paying Sasha’s vet bill. I knew the music book was a lie, too. Very typical of him when he can’t get constant attention and his hand held every day. It’s his way of seeking revenge. It’s so humorous, though.

Later...

I just called the Forest Park Grill and left a message for Nervous. We’ll soon see if he calls me. I’m also gonna bring up his spying. That’ll shock the shit out of him and he probably won’t be too happy that I caught him and know about it.

Later...

I found my green pen lying on the floor by the kitchen windows.

I just saw that bitch Rita come out of her car to go into her apartment. I felt like yelling something out to her but didn’t want the other neighbors to hear. I’ll only strike up a storm if she does.

If Nervo doesn’t call by 8:00, I’m gonna start my laundry, then go food shopping. I’ll first find out if Jessie needs to go and if we can do it together. I’ll probably just have to go myself.

Linda says I write funny which is true cuz I write so many different ways. I guess it goes according to my mood.

I hope that if Nervous calls, he’ll be in his nervous mood, and he usually is in the daytime, for some reason. I really want to get him going. It is so hysterically funny!

I forgot to get stamps last time I was at Shopper’s Drug. Next time I’ll get them, and I’ve got to get Dad a birthday card.

I wonder what happened to my period. It just stopped, but I guess I’m not surprised cuz I have such a screwy cycle.

Sasha just got up on the bed with this look on her face saying, “Why are you so busy writing? I want to cuddle.” She’s used to doing that at this time of morning anyway.

I got up today at 6:00 or so when the doorbell rang. I thought it was Andy, but it was Linda. She looked pretty tired and I think I probably talked her ear off, but I’m glad she came over anyway. She was doing her laundry down at the end of the street. She could’ve done it here, though.

I want to ask her if she’ll take me grocery shopping, but I don’t want to burden her. I probably do as it is with my big mouth, so I’m surprised she even comes over.

Sasha likes the balloon she brought over.

At about 9:00, I went over to Jeanie and Jay’s next door. They had a friend over from Locust St. who was from Longmeadow, but I don’t remember him. He knows my cousin Susie.

Tomorrow Jeanie’s gonna let me use her phone to bitch out the phone company. Apparently, they never disconnected me at Oswego Street and I have no phone here. I’m pissed! I called Andy from there and told him about it. Jessie, Tammy, Mom and Dad, and Tammy have probably tried calling me.

The gas guy comes tomorrow, too.

Well, I finally met the guy in Nancy’s old apartment. His name’s Jai Z and he’s very nice. We must’ve talked for almost two hours. Of course, I laid it on the line up front and told him I’m gay. He’s very accepting and considerate about it and seems harmless. He says he has a girlfriend and a lot of gay friends. I know he thinks I’m pretty, though, and he likes my singing. We talked about a lot of things and he says he loves to cook and that I can eat dinner with him sometime, but if he ever steps out of line, he’s dead. He seems nice, but so do most people at first.

He’s doing me a favor cuz he wants some of my boxes and will bring those he doesn’t use down to the dumpster.

He has a cat, too. This whole building has cats and dogs. At least they’re allowed here, unlike at Carabetta.

Linda came over earlier. I was so psyched to see her. We had a good time together. I really wonder what she’s got on her mind. I mean, does she like me? I just wish she’d open up and talk a little more. She’s too quiet. I don’t know why but I’m really getting to like her. It’s not that she’s attractive and of course looks aren’t everything but something’s there. I just wish she wasn’t always so serious and quiet. I also wonder if she’s capable of ever being affectionate and really interested in me and getting to know me more. I think she just doesn’t want to be hurt and of course, neither do I.

Another thing I wonder is if she’ll be supportive of a career in music. If ever I do travel someday out of town, will whoever I get be supportive and stand beside me? I mean, I really want someone to say, “Jodi, you have a voice so go for it. I want you to make it as far as you can and don’t ever give it up.”

I think I’ll stay up for a while and see if I get any visits from my obsessed fan out on the street.

I got up late like I knew I would and finally got this place vacuumed. It took forever with this carpet, and my vacuum sucks. It hardly picks up anything.

After that, I put up some of the curtains I got. I really wish I still had the shutters that were in this living room the last time I was here, cuz I put the old kitchen curtains in there and they don’t look too great. They’re ok, though, I guess. They’re better than nothing although I’d rather use them in the kitchen where I put the curtains I got while at Carabetta’s which look pretty stupid cuz they’re two different lengths. Now I have nothing for the kitchen door. Later I’ll put the yellow curtains in the bedroom. I’ll also need to put hooks in the other living room window. I only did one window in there cuz only one had hooks. The door has no hooks either, but first I must buy new curtains.

Where is Andy? I figured he’d be here by now. Maybe later.

I wish I had a fucking phone, but I will soon.

Woodside Terrace…

The movers came to move me out of Oswego St. at 8:15 this morning, and believe it or not, I’m totally unpacked. It looks beautiful and it’s ever so peaceful and quiet. I haven’t been this happy in a long, long time.

Last Tuesday, Andy was over to see it. He almost died. He also brought over the two pianos, guitar, stereo and a few other things for me.

I’d really like to sleep tomorrow, but I need cigarettes. I should also have Nervous come and haul my boxes downstairs tomorrow, too. Then I want to wash my curtains, bedspreads and clothes.

Jeanie, my neighbor in number #15, is such a sweetheart. She reminds me so much of Nancy.

Sasha seems to really like it here where pets are allowed. I think my allergies will definitely improve cuz of the radiators which are much healthier than electric heat like at Carabetta’s.

I hope I get my mail here tomorrow and that it’s not still being delivered on Oswego St. I’ll go back and check though before I turn in my keys.

Nervous is never getting a security door key. Never. But I’ll tease him anyway by saying, “Oh, by the way, I keep forgetting to give you that key. I’ll get it soon.” I wonder if he might have a key from when he lived here. I doubt it.

Later...

I can’t understand why I can’t sleep. Probably cuz I’m just so excited and happy. I’ve got a lot on my mind too. At least I haven’t had too much coffee.

I wonder if Nervous has come looking up at the windows? I wouldn’t be surprised if he has. He’s gonna have an awful view cuz I’m up so high. All he can do is see if the lights are on. He’s no doubt gonna be really bummed out without a key and I really doubt he has a key from when he lived here before, cuz I’m sure that when he got evicted, he had to turn his keys over right then and there as the sheriff was cleaning out his apartment. The only other way he’d have a key would be if he had made duplicates. His mother or sister may’ve had a key.

He never paid Larry and John what he owed them or the electric and gas company. He still doesn’t have a phone and I doubt he ever will.

He asked to borrow my chain lamp if I wasn’t gonna use it. No way. And no way in hell will I put up with his nerve-racking visits here in this apartment where I am gonna better my life. I know I’ve gone back time and time again on my word about ditching him, but this guy is a very sick puppy who’s obsessed with me and has nothing else better to do than be an asshole. I figured once I moved would be the best time to dispose of him. I’m sure after a while I’ll get some phone calls where he hangs up or says nothing. I’m not even gonna have him take my boxes down. I’ll gladly do it myself.

He’s supposedly buying me the music book Canciones de mi Padre. When and if he does I’ll just buzz him in and tell him to leave it outside my door and to come back in an hour cuz I’m really busy, and when he rings again, I’ll tell him to wait a minute and then forget about him. He’ll probably ring about 10,000 times, too.

Later...

Guess what I just saw?! Nervous was spying in his sister’s car! I happened to be looking out my bedroom window when I saw this car drive up Locust, then turn around in the driveway of an auto repair shop near Dickinson, then it came down and parked a few buildings away from mine, then put its flashers on, then another car passed it. At first, I thought they were cruising for drugs or that the car broke down or they were waiting for someone.

So the next thing I know, the car drives closer and parks under my bathroom window and then I began to wonder if it was Judy’s car with the sicko driving it. Then, I saw that it was him when he turned to drive up Woodside. Then he came back from around the block and again parked under the bathroom. I knew it was him cuz I could see his bald spot and by the manner in which he was smoking and picking his teeth. Then a guy walked up to the car and said something to him, and he drove away without a word. The guy probably thought he was looking to buy drugs.

Is the guy out of his mind? How am I ever gonna get rid of him?

Later...

I fell asleep after the sun came up this morning. I had set the clock for 1:00, but I kept hitting the snooze till around 2:00, then as I was starting to wake up, Andy buzzed. When he came up here, he was surprised I had it all set up already and was really impressed. I made us a cup of coffee then we went to Johnson’s, Burger King, and Strawberries Records in West Springfield where I bought the soundtrack album Goya which only has one song on the whole thing by Gloria and some other guy.

Then on the way home, we stopped at Shopper’s Drug where I wrote out a check for a carton of Merits. Fucking $15! In another year or so a carton will cost almost $20.

Guess what? Andy and I are going to the beach tomorrow. I’m really looking forward to going. It’s fun to get out and away and we love the beach so much. I’m sure it’ll be cold but I’m wearing my new bikini anyway. I’ve got the body for one now, that’s for sure.

Later...

Well, I just had a lovely encounter with Rita G on the first floor who was here when I last was. I went down to the laundry room and forgot my keys so I went up and knocked on her door to borrow her keys so I wouldn’t have to go all the way back up here, and she screams in a loud, snotty voice, “What do you want?!”

Before I could even finish a sentence, she pushed me away and says, “Get the fuck away,” then slammed the door.

What a bitch! That was totally uncalled for. I think she got some prank phone calls a long time ago and thought it was me, but it wasn’t. I never could get her number. It’s non-published. I’ll tell you one thing for sure and that’s that I’m gonna knock her one if she ever steps out of line like that again. I never did anything to her to deserve this. I’m not taking any shit from anyone in this building.

A little while ago, after I finished my laundry, I heard Eddie in the hallway downstairs. He might have been yelling at someone, as usual, and at first, I thought he knew I was back and was coming up here. I’m dying to see his reaction whenever we do run into each other. If he starts anything, I’m not gonna walk away or just stand there cuz he needs to know that as long as I live here, I will not tolerate any shit from anyone.

Later...

Andy just buzzed to say that tomorrow we’re gonna do something else cuz it’ll be too cold.

I wonder if I’ll see the psycho tonight. I’m sure he’s already been scouting around today anyway. What else has he got better to do?

I’m surprised that with the nicer view Sasha has that she’s not in the windows more often. Maybe she has been when I haven’t noticed. I’ve seen her a few times though.

Every time this refrigerator shuts off it makes this funny noise.

Sasha just jumped up on the bed and is cleaning herself. She’s so cute and everyone that’s seen her says so. She definitely is cuter than most cats.

Today has been somewhat boring but ok, nonetheless. I got my refill on my Navane and also bought a new flashlight cuz Fran stole mine. He probably thought I’d never notice, but now that he knows I did, I’ll probably never see him again. I also have to get a new calculator. I’ll never even get the money for the records I gave him.

I asked Joe at Saratoga Drug if he’d save me boxes. He said yes, and I’m to go there next Wednesday to pick some up. I gave them my new address for their prescription records.

The only bitch to moving is that there are so many changes to make. My license, the bank, SS, the post office, welfare, the phone company and God knows who else. I’ve got to take care of all that next week.

Ma says to watch the mail for two big envelopes. Probably the dress she says she bought.

I have so many expenses coming up with moving, cable, the phone and the dating service. I’m gonna cancel the cable but I’m not gonna pay them all at once. I’d rather only have a VCR although the reception is better with cable. I’m gonna have to pay for gas and electricity when I move too. I’m gonna have to really cut out my long-distance calls.

Later...

Where the hell is Nervous? I’ve left messages for 4 days in a row and I haven’t heard from him. Maybe he is out screwing someone.

Russ called about cleaning his house on Monday morning at 9:00. The thing that petrifies me is getting attacked by a dog. He says there’s one large dog loose in the neighborhood, but that it doesn’t attack. I’m still scared. Ever since I nearly got attacked in Longmeadow, I’ve been scared to walk the streets cuz of strays.

I’m psyched! I’ve been waiting forever for this day to come. I’m moving! Back to my old place on April 1st. Russ called Mom and Dad in Florida, and they’re paying April’s rent, then from now on they’ll send Russ $140 a month, and I’ll pay $300. I’m paying to move me, too. I’m gonna be working for Russ cleaning his house, and his maintenance guy is gonna move me. Russ is gonna talk to him.

I’m so happy! Goodbye, Puerto Rico! Bruce is gonna help me by getting me boxes and changing my locks. Andy’s gonna buy my bars, cuz of course, I won’t need them, and Jessie’s gonna move my stereo and pianos and whatever else in her car. I’ve already packed tons of shit.

I ran into Linda today at the gas station and I told her about it and I’m kind of upset now cuz she was supposed to come over two hours ago and didn’t and I’m really getting to like her a lot now. She moved too, out of the house she and her ex-girlfriend owned.

You will not believe the horrendous experience I had yesterday afternoon at Friendly’s. I finally met Mary, and oh my God, what a disgusting, pitifully pathetic case! She’s so ugly! Blistery zits all over her face, braces, gross body, her clothes looked like they were 100 years old and had never been washed. She was so insecure, nervous and shy. The things she said were so stupid. She looks like an unstable, immature little kid. She was pulling her sleeves over her hands saying, “I’m so shy. People say I give them bad vibrations.”

When I went to reach for a cigarette, she jumps and I said, “Oh, I’m sorry. Would you rather I wait?”

She said, “No, it’s just that you’re so good-looking and I’ve never seen anyone more attractive.”

I thought to myself, Of course you’re saying that cuz you’re an ugly jerk. If you were decent or attractive you wouldn’t waste your time saying that.

I called Tammy and she said not to worry, and that that always happens the first time, before she went on to tell me about all the ugly losers she got before she met Bill.

I called Pam and told her and she sympathized with me and said she’d make it up to me by sending someone else.

I’m on cloud 9 about moving but hurt that Linda never showed up or called. She’s no Gloria, but I’m really getting to like her. Something’s definitely there. Just something attracts me, and I feel she’d be good to me.

I told Tammy I’d be moving and gave her my address. She seemed happy. Everyone’s happy for me.

Yesterday I fell asleep really early in the evening and then at 9:30 or so I slowly became aware of an unfamiliar voice on my answering machine, so I called back and it was a referral from Woman to Woman. Her name is Mary. Like I need to meet another person with that name! Haven’t I met enough people with that name anyway?

Well, anyway, she doesn’t really seem like my type. Just the way she was talking, her choice of words and attitude. I could be wrong cuz you can’t really get to know someone over the phone just by talking to them once. But it seems like I’ll never have what I have in mind. Maybe my standards are too high, but I want what I want.

She says she’s 5’ 4” with auburn hair and that she’s slightly overweight and wears glasses and lives with her mom in Westfield. Of course, I always get overweight people and I hate glasses and I wish she had her own house. She says her hair is long and she’s 27 years old and she’s never been with a woman before. Shit! I want someone who has experience with women.

I suppose whatever and whoever I get is always better than a man just so long as they aren’t another Mary D. Or as ugly.

Later...

Every single fucking morning at this time there’s some car warming up gunning its engine and I’m really beginning to consider going out there and knocking a piece of my mind into this guy. It’s ridiculous.

I can’t wait now, believe it or not, for the warm weather so Andy and I can go to the beach. I can’t wait to wear my new swimsuits.

I’d like to order this strapless mini dress from this catalog I have, but not a bathing suit cuz I can get one just as good at A.D.S. Fashions for less money. The dress costs $16, so I’ll just wait a while.

I filled out that application, so I’ll just wait and see what happens. I’ll mail it today.

Maybe I’ll call my hairdresser, Dee, to get an inch trimmed off the bottom straight across and also my bangs to get it closer to one length. I’d kind of also like her to take the perm out. I’m getting a little sick of it but it does look nice and she did an excellent job. It’s just that I hate how all the hair from the top of my hair is dead. The rest of it is very healthy, soft and silky.

I forgot to mention that I set up a time to meet with Mary at Friendly’s on Sumner Ave. this Thursday at 5 PM. She says she doesn’t know Springfield that well and if she doesn’t “forget” she’ll be there. I’ll probably call her tonight to remind her. I’m not going all the way up there for nothing, and it gets dark soon after 5:00.

The one thing I hate about waking up really early is that no one’s up and nothing’s open.

Tammy called me yesterday saying her cousin from Georgia is flying in for a few days.

My show Unsolved Mysteries is on tonight which I’m looking very forward to seeing cuz I missed it last week.

Later...

Stuart is on the phone now. He’s worried about going to court again for prank phone calls.

Right now I heard this really weird noise outside. Some kind of hissing sound.

Stuart said he’d get back to me later. I really want to get together with him and see how he looks now. He’s grown his hair longer in the back so he says. It’s been close to a year since I’ve seen him.

I pray to God I get my old place back. Stuart and I would be neighbors, and also Jo Leary still lives there. If Eddie bothers me I’ll pop him one, not caring how sick he is with Alzheimer’s disease.

To tell you the truth, I haven’t felt much better since Sasha left, but the new medication and the shots should hopefully help a lot.

Later...

I just got back from having a bite to eat with Stuart. He looks pretty good, but his hair doesn’t look longer to me. It still looks the same. He says I look too thin now. He’s gained some weight in the gut.

The most puzzling thing happened. Stuart went into Carabetta’s office to tell Shauna that he’d pay his rent soon. She looked and acted funny and said, “And you’re with Jodi.”

Whatever the hell did she mean by that? Stuart and I wonder. Probably cuz we’re both so flaky.

Earlier, before going out with Stuart, I spoke with Mary again and still feel she’s not really going to be my type. She seems to have a negative attitude and is very down on herself at times. I don’t feel we have anything at all in common. She doesn’t really interest me. She believes there’s no such thing as a permanent relationship cuz people change so much and that the average relationship between two women only lasts two years. She doesn’t want to move in with anyone either, she says.

I swear I’ll never get the one I dream of. In reality, it seems like the perfect love with the right woman is just too much to ask for. It’s not fair.

I hope the next two I meet will turn out better.

I sensed from what Mary was saying that most people find her unattractive. Sure, if she’s overweight and wears glasses. I hate glasses.

Jessie says she’s gonna spy on me when I go up to Friendly’s to meet her. I asked her if she really wanted to go see what she looks like. Then I won’t feel so alone. She is gonna take me up there but we’re gonna walk in separately, then after a while, I’ll pretend to notice her all of a sudden. Hopefully, if I don’t come home with Mary, Jessie can take me home. It’ll be dark then.

Later...

I just had a very long interesting talk with Andy about the book Helter Skelter. He’s gonna lend me the book to read.

I forgot to mention earlier that when I was cutting through the driveway onto Oswego St. after seeing Dee, I almost got killed. This car which I never heard cuz it was on my deaf side came whizzing by me and just missed me only by inches with a cruiser chasing it. They went around the block, then in back of buildings 25 and 21 no doubt thinking they could get out, smashed into the dumpster and then abandoned the car. It was 3 young black, a guy and two girls. Then Mattie and I were on our way inside when we saw them hiding behind the bushes under Dotty’s window. Then they ran again. It was either a stolen car or drugs.

I’ve got to get the fuck out of this neighborhood and fast. This place is crazy. You never know if you’ll be alive the next day or if in the middle of the night the building will be set on fire.

Andy and I had a blast earlier tonight on the phone ranking on people, then I got really tired, but I want to just stay up and write. It totally cleanses my soul.

I just spoke to Andy a few minutes ago which I wanted to do before I continue writing. While on the phone with him I looked back into my other journals and read him about the day we were at the beach and also the day he taught me how to play La Isla Bonita but I have yet to find the day he taught me Talk To Me or the day we met up again which was downtown at the Sheridan where he still works. He now works at the Holiday Inn. He needed the extra money to support himself with his new apartment.

Later...

Can you believe that after all this time I still remember all my other phone numbers? I don’t think I’ll change it again when I move.

I’ve called my old numbers before to see if anyone’s called looking for me, and sometimes they have. The guy at my first number which was listed said a few people called looking for both me and Michelle L, the fucked-up roommate I had on Locust St.

I wonder just what kind of life good old Crystal C is leading now. Everyone who knows her knows what a loser she and her sweet old boyfriend are. They’re definitely meant for each other.

Also, Mary D is always gonna live a very lonely life with her usual slew of non-stop problems. She’s also going to get her ass severely kicked with the way she is. She’ll never have anyone decent any more than Crystal ever will.

Good old Nellie R is gonna no doubt spend most of her life in jail. I never met anyone so sick, cruel and cold-blooded, but it ended with her knowing just what I knew about her and thought about her, and God help any of these people if I catch them on the streets.

Oh, and don’t I remember that black bitch Barbara T so well? The user probably lives out on the streets or in someone’s cellar.

I spoke to Mom earlier and I pray to God she can help me out of here and into my old apartment by April which is when Russ says my place will be vacant again. She claims there are a few people interested in the house, but I know that it might take forever for that damn stupid house to sell. She also said they might not be coming home until the end of May, and of course, this year I’m not going to Florida. I give anything to stay alone at the beach, but of course not. I’m still a little girl, Tammy’s welcome, but not me. Not even if I was straight and married.

Later...

Last night I fell asleep between the hours of 4:00-5:00 only to wake up at 7:00 to go to the bathroom. I thought I’d never go back to sleep, but I was exhausted, so I forced myself, then I woke up again at 10:30 to someone’s pounding or hammering. I couldn’t tell if it was upstairs or downstairs.

Dotty said the Puerto Ricans upstairs moved out. I hope not cuz they were really nice and I’m worried as it is about who they’re gonna put downstairs in Hank’s old place, and as you know, Carabetta takes anybody. Yesterday morning, I thought I heard footsteps upstairs and was hoping the older couple, Emanuel and Iris, were still there and that it was only their daughter, son and grandson who moved out, but I don’t know. Time will tell. Their names are still on the mailbox. It sure would be quieter if the kids only moved out. They used to run back and forth up there constantly, although I shouldn’t talk. They’ve never once complained about me or my music.

I was surprised Linda never called me yesterday and I even left her a message. I really hope she’s not interested in me cuz I hardly ever see her although that may mean nothing, cuz Mary used to claim how much she was in love with me and wanted me though I only saw her once in a lifetime. But of course, it was the biggest favor she did for me. Linda’s so ugly, too. In a way, she reminds me of Mary.

Later...

I had a long conversation with Bruce today and he made me realize there’s so much more to learn on the piano. Scales, keys, chords and all kinds of things. I really want to go to school to learn but I’m so afraid of failing and I really want to graduate with honors.

He says part of making it as a singer is being attractive and that I am very attractive. When I told him why I wish I were ugly sometimes, he said my chances would be zero if I were. I reminded him of how fat actress Roseanne Barr is, and he said that she’s an actress acting in a role that’s suitable for a fat person. I also told him Ella Fitzgerald was fat and he said, “Look how old she is.” So, he definitely has somewhat of a point. You use your looks and image to sell yourself, as well as your talent.

I am not feeling all that great today cuz of the pork I ate last night. I obviously didn’t cook it well enough. I feel pretty lousy and I took my meds too but I’m glad I don’t need to take them every day. I can go a day or two without them. What I need to understand is that I’m not just going to be able to stop overnight. It’ll take time but, in the future, I’ll need them less and less.

So far today I’m having an excellent day. I got up at 8 AM and went grocery shopping and already I’ve eaten a fruit cup, a sandwich, some baked stuffed scallops and later I’m going to have a pork chop and something to go with it.

Today I received that application. Before I fill it out I want to speak to my mom. I left a message on her machine for her to call me back.

I doubt very much that I’ll be going to Florida this year. She said something about coming home early this year. Yeah, sure. They probably won’t be home till May.

Guess what? Pam called from the dating service. She says she has a potential referral for me and that she’s going to mail me the information either today or tomorrow. I’m so worried cuz of where I live and my not having a job cuz if she’s decent that’ll really turn her off. You know all my fears and doubts. I don’t have to write about them again. I just hope she’s attractive.

I miss my cat so much and truthfully haven’t improved much since she’s been gone. If I move to my old apartment, she’ll love it. Nervous is taking her to the vet today for her yearly booster and exam. I hope she’s ok. She should be.

Tammy didn’t call yesterday or today but I spoke to Andy last night and I saw his car at his place as I was on my way up to Food Mart.

Again Linda called yesterday saying she’d call me back about coming over, but she never did.

Today I got into an argument with Jessie about her being paranoid about her coming here and parking in the back here. Oh well, that’s her problem.

I was wicked pissed cuz yesterday I slept all day and never did my grocery shopping and today there are no buses. I could get stuff at the gas station but I have no money. It’s all in the bank.

Very early evening yesterday Linda called and I asked her to come over and she said she would and that she’d call me later. So, I finally woke up again around midnight realizing Linda never called or left a message on my machine, so I called Andy and asked him to bring me a pack of butts and to come over. He did, and we had a damn good time.

When he first came over, he was complaining that his stomach hurt him and I started playing the piano and he was saying how he always wanted someone to play for him when he feels lousy. So I began playing Just One Look and said it sucked, but when I finished, he got up, slowly walked over to me and said, “What do you mean it sucks? That was so good. You weren’t even looking at the music. You’ve improved so much. The pain is all gone.”

That made me feel so good to hear him say that. He’s the only one that really appreciates my music. I also sang for him and he said, “Yes, you’ve improved and maybe I should just stick to the piano and let you do the singing.”

I then told him how we should go out and make it together cuz of how close we are and cuz of how much he knows about the business and he says, “Just maybe we will.”

I’d hate to go off and try to make it alone without him who I trust and know so well.

I got a kick out of a couple of weeks ago when I put on my new 2-piece bathing suit to show him how much weight I’ve lost and he was surprised all right. I haven’t even needed to take my water pill for so long but I’m a little scared cuz it’s the time of year now that I lose weight and I surely can’t afford to lose anymore.

I finally have now learned Words Get in the Way by heart without looking at the music and it feels so damn good! I also began playing Blue Bayou. It’s fairly easy.

Today I’m hoping Linda calls. I just left a message for Nervous to call. Last night Tammy called at fucking 1:30. She’s damn lucky I was up. Andy talked to her for a few minutes.

Right now I’ve got to go check yesterday’s mail to see if that application from Russ came yet.

In an hour I’ve got to catch the Sumner Allen bus for my eye exam with Dr. Donatelli. I’ll bring my old glasses I never wear and explain my situation and hopefully get an answer. I really don’t want to have to wear glasses though, and I’m pretty sure most of my problem is due to the medication. I look hideous in glasses and it feels as awkward as if I had a brick sitting on my nose.

I hate this pen. When I go to Food Mart, I want to get some new pens. My printing is so much neater than my writing, but writing is so much quicker.

The night before last, I saw Andy’s new apartment just 5 minutes away. It’s not in the greatest condition, the hallways are filthy, but it’s a cute place, he’s psyched, so I’m happy for him.

Yesterday Nervous bought me the sheet music for Kokomo and Nadia’s Theme. Kokomo is fairly easy, but I can’t even begin for the life of me to figure out Nadia’s Theme.

Now, I’ve got some really shocking news. My last apartment that was big and really nice that I miss so much – well – I’m going back!!!! It’s not definite but I’m pretty sure. The guy that owns it now is Russell S. He’s mailing me an application. My place is to be vacant in April with a new bathroom and new paint job. I can’t wait. I’m so sick of this neighborhood. It’s really bringing me down to the pits. I spoke to Mom about it and she seems to be on my side saying I never should’ve left there. The rent’s $440, but who cares. It’s safe there and pretty compared to here, with no graffiti or trash all over. Safe to leave your door open. Of course, I hope I have nice neighbors and that no one complains about my music. Everyone that was there before is gone now except for Jo. She was the one who gave me Russ’s number.

Later...

I finally did all my laundry, thank God. I also spoke to Jessie who isn’t doing too much grocery shopping cuz she’s got bad cramps, so I’ll go myself up to Food Mart tomorrow and come back in a cab. The only bitch is that on Saturdays the place is mobbed.

I bought this pen I’m writing with now at Store 24 and I love its razor-fine point.

I called up at the Forest Park Grill. Nervo wasn’t there but I spoke to some woman named Helen who says Nervous had lunch with some sexy blond and that he went to her house. This definitely must be a hooker, if it’s even true. Could he really be getting it off with some hooker? Maybe that’s why he hasn’t been so desperate and pushy.

No. No way. He’ll never get anyone with the way he is. Maybe a good screw every now and then from a hooker, if he has the money, but that’ll never stop him from spying on me or coming over for visits. I’m gonna mention it to him, but he might not say much about it. He’s so secretive. If he starts chuckling, then I’ll know for sure like he always does when I ask him something like that, although he may lie and say it’s a girlfriend.

Getting back to this girl Helen I spoke to, she says Nervo told him I sing and play guitar and piano and that she sang too, and asked for me to come in sometime. When I told her I was gay and why that was ok with me she said, “Really? Are you really gay? Wow, not too many people admit that.”

Later...

I feel so good today, as I recover from the flu. Spring is finally in the air. I had all my windows open and was wearing shorts and a tank top. Time really flies when you get older. It seems like just yesterday it was fall.

I will always prefer to be a night person, but I feel healthier when I sleep at night and get up in the daytime.

Later...

I still haven’t received that application in the mail. Oh well. Probably tomorrow.

I’m gonna be so bored for the rest of the day. Guess I’ll go to sleep early seeing I’ve been up since 3:30 this morning.

I wonder if Linda or Tammy will call later.

I sure as hell hope Nervous calls cuz I’m really curious about this sexy blond.

Later...

That fucking Bruce just called, telling me that I’m not good enough for someone decent and that my attitude sucks and that I should drop out of the dating service, but I know he’s just saying all this cuz he can’t have me. He even said he couldn’t handle being just my friend and that I need to change. I told him I’m just gonna be myself, not what anyone else wants me to be, and then he said, “Well, yourself sucks.”

He’s another Al. I mean, he is just like Al. I swear they could be brothers!

It’s not fair. I know I suck and am too intense as he says and this and that, but do I need to be reminded about it every time I talk to him? I hung up on him. I don’t need him.

It’s hard enough accepting the fact that I’ll always be alone, and I can and will in time, but do people have to constantly rub it in? Especially a fucking male? No way am I gonna let a male drag me down.

Right now I’m gonna have a cup of coffee and then go to sleep. I’ve been up so long.

I’m trying to go without the medication, but it is hard. I’ll just really have to convince myself to cope without drugs and that the drugs can’t solve my problems. They’re only fucking me up.

Like an idiot, I went over to this guy’s house two nights ago. I dialed him randomly. We got to talking and he seemed nice enough. Yet I found that he was tripping on coke when I went over to his guesthouse that was in back of his parent’s house in Agawam. I went by cab, which he paid for. Well, he tried to rape me, but I got out of it, which seems like quite a miracle to me. That’s because this guy has all the makings of a serial killer! He was this short, stout, hideously ugly creature that dove at me from the front, knocking me to the floor, after we’d been chatting at his kitchen table. I cried AIDS and it stopped him from getting in there, and he settled for a hand job. Anything to keep him out of me, though I didn’t really have to do much. Within seconds, the sicko came.

Put it this way, if I didn’t have the temper I’ve got, as well as the ability to act, I’d be dead, but I don’t want to talk about it anymore. The guy was a psycho and I’m lucky to be alive. He’s already paid his consequences, though, and this is just the beginning. The guy fucked with the wrong person.

This morning at 10:00, I’m supposed to be in court, but I’m still debating on whether or not to go. I highly doubt they’ll put a default warrant out for me cuz it’s only a show cause hearing and I quit calling the chick I was calling. How she trapped me so quickly beats the shit out of me.

The day before last Tammy came over at around noon and woke me up out of a sound sleep, and then that night Andy came over and cooked us a really nice dinner of pork chops, homemade mashed potatoes and corn. After we watched Unsolved Mysteries together and then we made some calls. It was funny cuz we were crossing people on the 3-way and looking up funny names in the phonebook.

Last night was both enjoyable and interesting. Bruce came over and he really is a sweet person and a fantastic guitar player! I mean he’s super. We both have the same desires and dreams. I sang for him and played guitar and keyboards for him and practiced all night long after he left and guess what?!?! I can play every note of Words Get in the Way. It’s such a good feeling! I tried playing Primitive Love but it’s gonna take time and so is 1-2-3. I’ll get it someday. I can play them, but just a wee bit too slow.

Before I go, I forgot to mention that I got a shit load of makeup by UPS today that I ordered last month. It’s excellent. This nighttime moisturizer repair I got really softens the skin on my face. It isn’t so tight, dry and flaky anymore. I got 3 lipsticks. My favorite one is sort of a shiny gold color. I got 5 eyeliners, nail polish, perfume, Intimate perfume body lotion, a nail file and cuticle pusher, 2 pencil sharpeners, concealing powder, foot bath, soap, aloe vera body lotion, a nail polish corrector pen and a 2-year calendar planner.

Today, whether I go to court or not, I do have quite a few things to do such as pay bills and make an appointment at HCC for help filing for aid and also, I want to get Linda’s music book I ordered. It has 159 pages so it must have an awful lot of songs in it.

Tomorrow I just may go to Friendly’s and apply there. It’d be more money and mostly under the table cuz of tips.