Right now, I am in such a terrible mood. I just got finished fighting with Shadow. God, am I sick of his destruction and having to constantly take care of that cat.

I am so lonely and bored. Why, oh why did I listen to and believe Kim's empty promises? You'd think someone like me shouldn't fall for a trap like that. Why did I believe her or ever rely on her? Why did I up and move away with someone, even though I felt comfortable at the time? Never again will I believe or trust anyone. All these things she promised we'd do together— forget about the ear operation. I don't even know who I'm angrier at. Her or me.

How do other people get others to follow through with their promises? I'm not saying I'm the only one who's had to deal with people who never back up their words with actions, but that's all I seem to get. I don't know whether to blame myself or not, even though it would be easier if I did. Why is it that all my friends and romantic partners aren't completely terrible, but aren't as good as I thought they'd be? What did I do? Where did I go wrong? Is it me? Is it life? Am I truly cursed?

As time passes, experiences with life and people only make me more doubtful, more negative, and less motivated to pursue music or seek companionship. Also, reality and faith are making me feel more and more hopeless. Life feels like a complete waste of time. There's no place or purpose for me in this world.

I sang terribly today, and there's also the persistent reality that there's no way off cigarettes. It's ruined my life and will continue to ruin it, as well as my singing potential. The congestion will just build up until I choke and die. Honestly, I don't care anymore and want to die more and more. If the asthma doesn't kill me soon, I will take matters into my own hands. I cannot live like this.

I have no desire to be attracted to men, but couldn't I just be a butch lover? I wish I were madly attracted to butches.

I wish I wanted to do some other line of work as badly as I want to sing.

The only good thing about today is that I cleaned my place thoroughly and I do feel better physically. Mentally, I feel like my life is hopeless— gone, over, finished, destroyed. I haven't felt this suicidal since I was 17.

I hate life. I hate Kim, and I can't wait to abandon her someday when I move. She can feel what it's like to be left behind, even though it won't be a great loss to her. She has Mark, many friends, family, work, and a life.

I'll never get the phone line activated, and how dare I think positively, even though they gave me a number to be turned on next Tuesday. God will step in and shut it off. This particular punishment is going to last a while.