The last few days have been sort of strange. Before I write about that conversation I had with Fran from CC, I’ll update other things. First of all, I don’t know what the fuck is taking Tracy so long to return my call. I’ve left numerous messages.

The night before last, I was so miserable. Once again reality was slapping me so hard in the face. It’s really scary. My sister said I should give it up too, and I’ll never get it but I wish it were as easy to do as it is to say. She said saying you need and want to settle is one thing. Doing it is another. So I thought about it and while I’m not sure yet what job I’ll do, I’ve settled on something else. Personally, I don’t care what job I do or what college I go to. A settlement’s a settlement. Within reason, of course. For example, I’d never want to be a math teacher.

As far as the sex goes, I asked Andy’s opinion and it was exactly what I’ve been considering. I asked him that if he knew and was 100% sure he’d never be able to sleep with someone he was attracted to, would he remain celibate forever or take a butch? He said if he were in my shoes, he’d take the butch cuz you can only be celibate for so long.

Later...

Just as I was writing the last sentence, Andy called. I told him what I’m about to write in this book. I told him about how I spoke to the CC all scared and upset. How all I felt like doing was filling up my tub, jumping in and then throwing my blow dryer in. Holice, a woman who works there, checked into some numbers that may possibly help those who have no transportation. A few people who worked there left messages over the last few days out of concern to make sure I was ok. I’d call them back if I didn’t answer the phone when they called.

I’m slowly but surely managing to reverse my schedule once again. After staying up till nearly noon yesterday, I managed to sleep till 9:30 tonight. When I awoke, there were messages from Holice and Linda from the CC. Also, there was a voice I didn’t recognize. She said, “Hi, I’m calling for Jodi, but I’m not sure if this is Jodi’s house, so I’m not gonna leave my number at this point. I’ll call back though.” At first, I thought it was connected with Maliheh or Jenny, but didn’t think Jenny had knowledge of my number here. It could have been connected with Judy. She was sort of whacked. Now that I think of it, though, the two girls I’m gonna write about said they only left a message. I could hear a man’s voice too, and the split second I heard the female voice, it was different. I also got a call last night at 7:30 or so. I believe they were tied in with Maliheh or Judy, and also, I’m sure Jenny could get this number if she were to try hard enough. I hope whoever it is calls back.

Let me take a cigarette break before I write about Sally and Jill. They’re students at U-Mass who saw my ad at the Gay Alliance.