Gloria will be performing here in Phoenix tonight. After hearing the lyrics to her song called Destiny, I realized how much we write alike. Especially with lines of hers like, “We live our lives in mystery, while everything is meant to be.” Still, Linda inspired me vocally, while Gloria has inspired me personally.

I have so much to write about, it isn’t funny. I think, though, I’ll wait for a time when Tom’s not here or is asleep. I can concentrate a bit better that way. He’s not gonna be working today or tomorrow which I have mixed emotions about. I mean, I do love to see him and feel we don’t get enough time together, but due to a couple of days ago, which I’ll get into later, I’m wary of being around him for fear I’ll say or do the wrong thing to upset him or that he’ll just suddenly get upset for no apparent reason.

Later…

OK, now that Tom’s headed over to his mom’s house, I can write. He said don’t be surprised if he still calls it his “parents'” house.

No problem. Old habits do die hard and I still think of this computer as his, even though it’s ours.

First of all, today was a great day, so far. Best one we’ve had in a while as far as there not being a million things to do and all that stress hanging over us. We played computer games, then he showed me some things on the computer, then we swam, then we had sex in 3 different positions. He almost came. I could feel he was really close, but like he said, we don’t expect him to cum every time. I don’t even cum every time and he still just went through a heavy-duty ordeal in his life.

I just talked to Jenny, but Sandy and both Larrys weren’t there. I let her know Tom’s dad died and that things have been rough, but that hopefully they’ll simmer down as Tom believes they will.

Jenny says she saves all my envelopes and has a lot of them. Well, that’s nice to know that someone likes my drawings enough to save them.

Piggy’s been squeaking all day and the birds are their usual desperate selves. Tom and I got out of the pool and were standing on the patio when I threw some seeds down. It landed on and around our feet, so the birds were picking out seeds from in between my toes and from under the sides of Tom’s feet, tickling him.

We still haven’t been able to see what pictures or what in the hell you’re supposed to see when you play Gloria’s CD in the CD ROM cuz we have to get a new printer driver, but Tom’s looking to find one from AOL. No luck yet, but he’ll find it.

Tom says that if I ever died, he would follow my request and give Andy typed versions of my journals and keep the written ones and read them and cherish them forever. He said that’d be a big and important piece of me he could hang onto. He also says he’s sure that our kid will read them after I’m gone and I asked him how he felt about the fact that it’d be reading me calling him a liar for over two years. Fine with me, he said.

Got a couple of sympathy cards from my parents and from Andy. That was nice of them and thanks to Tammy, I can count on her to spread any major news around, unless I tell her to keep a lid on it. If we ever told her I was pregnant, would my parents send a congratulation card? No. Of course not. Tom would say it’s their opinion and that’s OK, but deep down I think it’d hurt him. I mean, if they said to me I shouldn’t have a kid cuz they didn’t think I’d be a good mother, that’s telling Tom, in a sense, that he doesn’t have a very good wife and that’s also saying Tom would be a bad father. Would they realize that? Probably not, cuz I doubt they’d care, but I’m not gonna have to worry about that cuz we either won’t be talking to each other or I’d just hang up the phone and not bother listening to any crap they tried to give us. No one’s gonna get in the way of our dreams and spoil a good thing for us (unless God does). We’re adults that can take charge of our own lives, thank you.

Got a nice surprise from Boo and Max. They were at Tammy’s and they sent me a quick hello message. I’m surprised they’d go visit Tammy. I mean, I knew they always got along just fine. It’s just that I didn’t think they’d bother or that Tammy would bother to invite them. Anyway, before I got their message, I thought that it was about time I sent them a letter just to say hi. Them and Goldie & Al.

Now, before I get into yesterday and the day before that, let me get Andy’s Dave story out of the way so I don’t feel like I lied to him about documenting it.

He met him through some friends of his and he says he’s a million times better looking than Quinn who he thinks is gorgeous. So, as far as he and everyone knew, he never mentioned being with a woman and he and other people said there might be a chance he’s gay. So, Andy was so into him after only seeing him once and talking to him about two times, that Andy would literally kick Laura out and let him move in. That’s quite hasty to me, but sure enough, the guy hasn’t returned his calls and Andy’s lost all hope.

Why does God insist Andy be alone forever, just like he insists we be childless forever? Speaking of it, though, I haven’t had that sad, desperate, and angry, damn,-I-can’t-have-a-kid feeling in the longest time since I’ve known Tom, so that’s nice. I guess it’s cuz I know the next step is seeing that I can’t conceive and have already accepted that. I feel more relaxed than I have since being with him since our sex lives were straightened out. It really takes a lot of the stress and the feeling of not being normal or good enough off of me, but I just hope he cums more often than not. We’re at a time now, where we’ll be finding out just how often he cums. Bob asked me about a kid and as far as that goes I told him the truth, we want that, he believes it’s gonna happen, but I doubt it cuz I don’t always believe in miracles.

Anyway, the day before yesterday sucked. Tom was fine one minute and the next I saw him sitting in his chair in the living room, asked what was wrong, and said to leave him alone, so I did. All the while, though, I was asking myself, what did I do? What did I say? He was so contradicting that day and he really hurt me and pissed me off. Of course, he said I did the same thing to him. I told him that I later tried to find out what was wrong cuz I’m his wife and cuz I care about him and want to know what’s eating at him. He said that couples aren’t entitled to tell their spouses everything 24 hours a day what they do or think. He said if I can’t find out what’s wrong with him without fighting with him, then wait till I can. Why do we have to fight for me to find out what’s wrong with him? He also said that I should think about how I take things and be more tolerant of his faults. Well, we can be more tolerant of our faults, but I think we should still work on our faults. He said that when someone has to deal with something, the other should just let them deal with it however they need to and just accept that the other person might get hurt and angry. I don’t totally agree with that. Yes, one should deal with their emotions in their own way, but not hurt others while they’re doing it. That’s not right or fair. He told me that if I cut myself, that’d be hurting him. So, it’s OK for him to hurt me if he has to in order to deal with something, but I can’t? He says I have, though, and I know I’ve said some mean and unfair things during moments where I’ve had my emotional lows, but I’m sorry for hurting him and I intend to keep working on that and make sure I don’t let history repeat itself. He, though, feels he did nothing wrong and that it’s OK to hurt your loved ones if you have an emotional low.

He also says he tries to be as blunt as he can be and doesn’t do innuendoes. Yes, I know he tries to be and I do too.

I still have my fears of having a kid, like most of us do. It is something I still want, but the usual fears are there as far as money goes and our time and privacy together and its effects on the marriage. Are we gonna be able to juggle the relationship between us and the one with the kid? Can we mix the two, and will adding a third party to the picture really work?

I heard a scary story on a talk show, but Tom said it didn’t scare him. I’m glad one of us didn’t get scared by it. This guy abused his daughter and he said he knew it sounded too easy to blame his parents for it. He said his dad used to beat him and he hated him and he swore he’d never be like him, but he was.

Now, I’ll get into yesterday’s events. We went to Mom’s and Mary and Dave were there along with Carol and Steven. Then we went and picked up Cindy, our 34-year-old niece (it’s weird having a niece who’s 4 years older). Then we went to the cemetery which is out in the middle of nowhere. It’s a huge flat cemetery with mountains off in the distance. It was very pretty and well-kept, though. We gathered under a little gazebo-like thing where there were about 20 people. I think I’ve met pretty much all of the family now. I finally met Evelyn, Opal, and Lucy. Opal and Lucy are mom’s sisters.

Then they brought the coffin out of the hearse and placed it in front of us and the Priest or Pastor or whoever did a speech. Then we left. I thought we were gonna then go to a different part of the cemetery and stand by as he was put in the ground, but I guess not. They put the coffin back into the hearse and it left too. Tom says it’ll go back to the funeral home, then back there to be buried. It was unlike any other funeral I’ve ever been to and I’ve been to 4; Pa’s uncle, then 3 of my grandparents’.

I talked to Tammy a little while ago, who said Boo & Max always keep in touch. I guess they really do like her better, as they said in their message to me, cuz they never keep in touch with me. My dad and everyone like to remind me of how much they like others better than me. And although they mean it in a teasing way, there is more than a grain of truth to that. I’ve only had contact with Boo & Max twice since being out here. That time I called them in ‘92 shortly after I arrived here when they sent me money to help me out and then when they sent a wedding card with $50 in ‘94. I’ve sent them 2 or 3 letters since I’ve been here.

Tom did pick up Gloria’s new CD. It sucks so far, but there’s one song called Reach that seems OK. Something I can sing cuz it’s in my range and my style.

He also picked up an additional surprise. A screensaver with clips from a video of hers. It’s from one of my least favorite videos, though, but I guess you can add others to it if you want. It’s pretty cool, though, with about 6 different options as to how you can display it. It’s got ways to bounce one frame/square, then it has trailing frames and the one I like is the wall video (which looks like a bunch of TV screens) where several frames of the same thing keep changing to different things. There are about 30 different things that the frames show and the whole thing is about 30 seconds, then it keeps repeating itself.

I also got a Bob letter yesterday in which he says he has a 41-year-old daughter and a granddaughter.

What?! Since when? I asked him. Is this something he recently found out? Or did he always know? If he always knew, why didn’t he ever tell me? Did he tell Kim? I asked her if she knew anything about it in my letter to her. If he knew he always had a kid, then who was the mother and why didn’t he ever see her? Also, I thought he said he was sterile. He told me that doctors have told him he’d have a one-in-a-million chance to impregnate a woman.

He also told me that he was contacted by his ex-sister-in-law about meeting them when Sandy died, but he said no cuz Kim wouldn’t go with him.

Now that’s low!

I still don’t see how he could have the strength to rape anyone or if it could’ve ever been his cup of tea, but now I’m wondering. All child molesters or rapists have kids.

Instead of waiting for a letter from Minnie to which to reply, I’m sending her a letter. I think I’ll also be sending Goldie & Al and Boo & Max letters, too with artwork on the envelopes.

Gloria’s gonna be singing for the closing ceremonies of the Olympics on August 4th. According to an article on her, she’s getting more and more gay fans due to using those drag queens to do a video for her when she was pregnant. I knew she wasn’t prejudiced. I could just tell.

Tom fixed Evelyn’s cooler yesterday, so that’s where he got part of the money for the Gloria stuff. He’s now still asleep. He said not to wake him unless I need him. He definitely is overdue to sleep till he wakes up on his own and not by the alarm.

Last night he told me to take care of my lungs, cuz I’ve been too wheezy to do things when I get up, when he’s here, and at the end of my day when he’s here. In other words, I guess he was hoping for sex last night. I didn’t think he would be due to the long stressful day, but then again, he does prefer it before bed, regardless of what he says. Once again, though, the thought of him getting off regularly still seems unreal. Perhaps that’s cuz we haven’t had hardly any time to screw, what with all that’s been going on. Therefore, I haven’t been able to see how rare or how common his cumming would be.

Got messages from Tammy and the girls at AOL, so that’s nice. I was wondering if the girls would ever send me messages. They were to Tom, too.

I have a vibe. I guess it’s a vibe anyway. Or a feeling. I don’t know, but there’s something about next April 26th that’s been ringing in my head for about a month now. Well, there’s no use wondering too much about it now since it’s still quite a ways away.

I wonder if Tom will want sex after he gets up. I doubt it. Too early, but I can never know for sure. I just hope to hell that whenever we do, things are still normal enough about it and that God gives us a break for a change. I think we deserve it after all we’ve been through!

Oh, great. Just lovely. At 1:30 a.m. Eastern time, someone bombed a public park adjacent to the Olympic Village. Everyone feared this, too, but they say the games will continue. There’s so much terrorism going on. There was the Oklahoma bombing, Flight 800, and now this. They say a little over 100 people were injured and 2 are dead.

Tom spent the day helping his mom out. There were lots of people there.

Evelyn gave Tom some paper to give to me. He says he’s not sure if she knows I draw, though. He’s not sure if he ever told her. It’s white, unlined with 3-ring binder holes punched on the sides of them. I used some to print out journal 99. I had stopped printing out journals after 98. It’s good for printing back-to-back, but I don’t know if I’ll return to printing out journals. I’ll probably use the paper for drafts. For drawing, I’d like to use sketchbooks from now on that’s like the one I’ve got. It’s about the size of this journal, which is my average journal size and is a good size for drawing.

Evelyn’s cooler broke, so Tom’s gonna fix that eventually.

See? I told him it’d still be one thing after another, but he still swears things will be settling down and that his mom will be fine.

I told him hey, if I’m wrong about things settling down and about my being pregnant soon, I’ll fully admit I was wrong just as I did when he came. In fact, Tom says there’s a difference, as far as he’s concerned, between something he plans and something he envisions. He says 75% or more of the things he envisions turn out the way he envisioned them and that he envisions me pregnant real soon and says he’d be really surprised if I weren’t pregnant real soon. Well, more power to him!

Tom may get Gloria’s Destiny CD today cuz now he’s anxious to check it out on the computer, just like I am. If I were back in Springfield with my old life, I’d always wonder about it.

I just remembered what I forgot to write about yesterday. Andy’s encounter with a guy named Dave. Andy really likes the idea of me documenting our talks and his life. I promised to write about the stuff he tells me, but I’ll get to the Dave story later.

Andy will be calling back sometime soon. He’s very upset now. Problems with Quinn again. He loves him but deals with so much abuse and head games from him. I kind of wish I could go over there and slap that guy silly, but Andy has to do his own dirty work. He can talk to me all he wants, but in the end, it’s between him and Quinn to do whatever it is they’re gonna do.

Tom spent the day at Mom’s and he went to bed after being up for about 21 hours. The funeral will be on Monday at 12:30 p.m. Nothing fancy and just with 20 or so of the immediate family members. Also, there’ll be a memorial service at a church in about a month.

As I figured, Mom and Dad did call, so I had Tom answer it. That was nice of them and they appropriately didn’t bring me up or ask for me and they put aside our differences. Also, they asked for Tom’s mom’s address cuz they’re gonna be sending her a card. I asked Tom if she got a card from a Dureen and Art O if she’d know who the hell they are and Tom said yes, so that’s good.

Tom’s family believes like Tom and I do that Dad will always be watching over those he knew and loved. Before they took his body away they asked Ma if she wanted to be with him for a few moments and Ma said, “No. That’s not my husband. That’s just a dead body. That’s just the body that he used when he was alive.”

Well, Marty and Ruth got my letter today, I’m sure, and I’m sure that they told my folks as soon as they got it, and due to Tom’s dad dying, that’s all the more reason why they didn’t call. I’m glad, though, that they didn’t call as I figured they wouldn’t, cuz that’d really make me feel awkward and put on the spot.

Tammy sent Tom a message too, through my mailbox saying she’s sorry about his dad, but to remember him for the good memories of him and not those of his last months and that she’s here for him. She also said to give her regards to his “intire” family. I think she meant “entire” family. She makes funny typing mistakes. I usually just tell Tom what she has to say when she sends messages to me unless it’s personal, but this time I printed it out for him.

Later…

Tom just got up a little while ago after getting his much-needed sleep.

We had a hell of a storm last night. Therefore, the backyard and pool are a mess. A big wall of dirt blew in, supposedly, but I didn’t see it. There’s dirt all over the patio, along with bird poop, and the pool is a brown/green color. We lost yet another chunk of the old green rafters which are over the patio in the ferocious wind. The birds love it, though. To them, it’s a big jungle gym.

Andy did call back and we spoke for quite a while. He’s really hurt, confused, and in love with Quinn. Quinn is a selfish, mean, spoiled, abusive low-life of a druggie who lies, leads Andy on, and cuts him down like he’s a piece of dirt. A part of me really wishes I could go over to Quinn’s and let him know that he’s fucked with my friend, so that’s fucking with me. Then I’d really like to give him a few bruises. Just enough to scare some sense into him, or at least enough to scare him out of the shit he’s pulling on Andy. We tried to call him so I could give him a piece of my mind and let him know just what I’m all about and what I could personally do to him, but the little fuck didn’t answer.

I told Andy that this is a twisted person who hates his own self and who’s very immature and Andy does know this.

Andy feels very cursed right now and he really hates his life. I feel really bad for him because, in a sense, his life here in Arizona has been just like his life in Massachusetts.

Tom won’t be working again till Tuesday. He’s in the shower now, then he’s gonna make a few phone calls and head on over to his mother’s house to give Mary a break, who stood overnight last night, and to do anything he can do to help.

It seems like it’s been forever since we had sex, due to all that’s been going on. Hopefully, we can have our lives back and our sex lives back soon. It doesn’t matter when we screw since I can’t get pregnant anyway. Besides, he still insists there are about 10 days a woman can conceive and not 3. If Tom really believes we’ll have a child, like he’s been saying, I just realized something. He may want to have the child in this house, which is in his name, and then move if things work out. I realized that he may really be afraid deep down that a kid will ruin our marriage or that I’ll be a bad mother, although he wouldn’t tell me he felt I’d be a lousy wife for as long as he did, what’s to say he isn’t necessarily gonna tell me he really thinks I’d be a lousy mother if he really ever thinks that?

Thank God the storm was last night, cuz I think next door had overnight company. Who knows what kind of noise they would’ve stirred up if the weather had been nice? Anyway, two vehicles just left. I heard about 5 or 6 doors shut and their music was barely audible, so that’s cool.

I amazingly received stuff from Gloria’s fan club yesterday. A newsletter with 4 shitty pictures and an audiocassette of her doing an interview. At the start of the interview, even she admits the fan club has been off to a slow start (yeah, very slow!), But that they’re getting their act together.

Now both Tom and I can’t wait to get her new album called Destiny. It’s supposed to also be for computers with CD ROM and when played there, pictures of her are supposed to appear. I also want Linda’s latest English album, but not either hers or Gloria’s Spanish ones, since they suck from what I’ve heard. I still want to find out what movie that dream song of Linda’s is from and hunt a copy of that down. I also want to request more songs from the 70s station and hope I get lucky enough to have those requests played.

I’m not doing too well with not smoking. Yesterday I had 10 in the 19 hours I was up. I’ve only been up for 3 hours so far, but have had 5. Like I told Tom, the only way I could ever quit smoking would be by force. Of course, I’d have constant panic attacks and the cravings would never go away. It’s totally swapping one misery for another. Tom said it’ll be a better misery that won’t last long. I disagree. A good 95% of the time it’s not a better misery, nor will I ever stop constantly wanting to smoke.

I think in the end, the only thing I can do, and the best thing I can do is just wait and see if I can get pregnant in the first place, then just let Tom force me off. I can’t go jumping the gun and worry about the future or this soon-to-be pregnancy that I still believe can never happen and will never happen.

Tom says his dad’s gonna die now to a couple of days from now. The nurse gave him sleeping pills over 24 hours ago and he still hasn’t woken up. They say he’s in the final phase of this kind of cancer and that there’s some name for it too, that Tom forgot. Anyway, he’s expected to never wake up. His lungs are so filled with fluid that they make this horrible gurgling sound when he breathes, which he can barely do.

Tom said he also opened his eyes for a second as he stood over him and his eyes were white and glazed over with the look of death, so he’s pretty much gone.

Later…

Dad’s gone.

Mary called at 3:30 to say that Dad stopped breathing and they called the hospice nurse to confirm things, then the funeral home will come and get him. They had gotten plots for both Mom and Dad in Chandler, but Dad will probably be buried in a VET cemetery in Phoenix cuz he was a World War 2 vet. After Ma goes, of course, she’ll be buried next to him. Phoenix is running out of room for burial plots due to the way Phoenix has grown. I had asked Tom if there’d eventually be no room to bury people on this earth, but he explained to me how land gets re-used. After a couple of hundred years, the bodies and coffins deteriorate.

Tom says he’s glad it’s finally over and I agree. Now he’s not suffering anymore, and the stress will be lifted off everyone. Tom says this is the easy part. Especially since he, like everyone else, knew this was coming. He says it was the part where everyone’s stress and his ongoing suffering were hard.

We both also believe that although his body is dead, he’s not dead. His spirit will always watch over those he knew.

I’ll call Tammy in a little while and let her know.

Later…

I called Tammy and she said tell Tom she’s sorry and that she sends her best.

Andy also called saying the same thing and that all kinds of things have been going on in his life over the last month. He said he understood that now wasn’t the best time to get into it and I promised to call him late tonight.

He knows I do want to hear all about it and that I haven’t forgotten him, but I’m getting pretty beat now. Tom knows to wake me up if he needs me but told me there’s nothing I can really do now. There’s nothing anyone can really do now. It’s over. But it’s not over with his mother. I still firmly believe it’s the beginning of a whole new long and drawn-out process. This is cuz I can’t see how things will be as simple as just setting his mom up with whatever she needs and then she’ll be on her own. I still feel that there are only so many things she’ll need that we can set up for her. Meanwhile, someone’s got to take care of the things that aren’t just a matter of being able to be set up for her. Someone’s got to mow her lawn. Someone’s got to drive her wherever she needs to go until and unless there’s a service that can drive her around, and I know it’s gonna be mainly Tom that’s gonna have to do all this stuff. Except for Tom and Mary, all the other family members don’t do shit unless they’re asked. They don’t just volunteer and Ma hates asking people for favors unless she really has to and I know she’d prefer asking Tom first and Mary second.

I did another fairly decent drawing of a girl. I tried to draw more, but luck ran out.

I’ve only had 1 cigarette in the last 5 hours and boy, is it miserably hard!! It’s totally swapping one misery for another and smoking is constantly on my mind. I can’t even go 10 minutes without thinking about it. Tom keeps talking as if we’re 100% guaranteed to have a kid and says that when I’m pregnant, I must quit smoking, that’s a must, that’s part of the responsibility of being a mother-to-be, no ifs, ands, or buts. He makes it sound like it’s possible for me to quit. If it were that possible, I’d have quit long ago. Then he says that I have to think about what’s more important to me. It’s not that a kid is less important to me, it’s that he’s asking me to do something I can’t do and that’s impossible for me to do. He once said being able to quit smoking and managing to accomplish quitting is no big thing or big deal. Oh yeah?! If only he knew! If only he knew how awful I feel now.

I have so many mixed feelings right now. One’s saying I should try my hardest to quit now, cuz the sooner the better no matter what happens in life. Two’s saying I should wait to quit if I ever get pregnant, cuz that may give me the most encouragement ever as far as being able to quit goes. I feel the 3rd thing the strongest and that’s saying, I’ll never get pregnant and I know it, so why don’t I just smoke till I die.

Later…

I prayed to God to please give me the strength to say no to any cravings I have for a cigarette, but obviously, he wouldn’t help me, cuz I just smoked my second cigarette in 5 hours. Tom told me that I don’t have a choice whether or not I smoke during pregnancy and I told him that the only way I could quit smoking is by force. I asked him if he’d be willing to refuse to buy cigarettes if I were pregnant and he said yes. Then I asked if he’d be willing to refuse to buy cigarettes after I finish the 7 packs I have (you know, that tough love kind of thing) and he said yes and why don’t I make those 7 packs last 2 weeks.

Again, here are my choices and or opinions.

1. Quit now.

2. Quit after I finish what I’ve got.

3. Quit if I get pregnant.

4. Come back to earth and remember - I can’t ever get pregnant, so keep on smoking.

Tom seemed to wake up in a good mood, but now I don’t know. I was trying to tell him about ants I saw yesterday in the yard, then he bitches about the way I explained the situation and interrupted him.

Well, he ought to practice what he preaches and not interrupt me if he doesn’t want to be interrupted himself.

I went and typed a description of all my journal covers at the start of each journal I typed. Of course, this is omitting any letter journals I never typed up.

I also taped a few new songs off of KHITS. I’d like to call them to request a few songs, but what’s the point? They’ll never play them.

My thighs are very stiff and sore today, but I can’t figure out why. What did I do yesterday to cause them to be sore? Nothing that I can think of.

I began typing this book up, but of course, I won’t add it to its group till it’s finished.

Tom’s spending the night at his parents' house. He called a couple of hours ago and it sure was a trip down Memory Lane for us to when we first met.

I just tried calling Andy, but he’s on the phone.

Tom still thinks I’ll have 1 or 2 more periods before I get pregnant. We’ll see.

Got an AOL message from Tammy. She and her family still plan on leaving for Florida on August 4th, leaving on her birthday, and returning the next day on the 17th.

Otherwise, not much else has happened since I last wrote. Robin was right again about next door. No parties. Now let’s just see her and Tom be right about you know what.

I’m so envious of these women’s bodies who do gymnastics. I wish I looked like they do. I just cannot stick to any form of exercise to save my life, but I can’t make anyone force me to do so. I certainly can’t discipline myself, either.

Later…

Tom just called again and said he may call again, but no guarantees. I was asking him if he was getting used to sleeping in spurts since according to him, that’s what we’ll both be doing in about a year if all goes well. He said we’ll manage, cuz we make a good team. I told him the worst that could happen is that I’ll die, but at least I’d know the kid would be left with a great dad.

Due to my fear of spiders, I’ll have to remember to put my mail out when it’s light.

I hope I hear from Anna & Harry again.

I left Andy a message, who was on the phone when I called.

Tom picked up a pen for himself today and two more of these kinds (Precise) for me in black and blue. I was gonna use the blue pen after this one dies, but I don’t know cuz it bleeds through. I may use a Bic blue pen.

I wish Precise made pink pens.

Lately, we go broke between paydays (probably cuz of his damn parents), but due to getting that $100 at Evelyn’s, we’re doing fine.

My movie will be done taping in a half-hour. So, for now, I’ll go play computer games or read or whatever.

Later…

Tom and Andy haven’t called back and I watched the movie. Just another typical and predictable horror movie.

I wonder sometimes if we could’ve had a kid, would she or he ever have gotten a hold of these journals after I was gone? And if so, would she or he ever read these? I doubt it. I doubt anyone would really care to read someone else’s journals. Maybe skim through them, though. If I died right now, the only person I can see maybe reading them would be Andy. I doubt Tom would find these interesting at all. Andy and I speak more of the same language, therefore, Tom would probably be bored stiff reading these, if he even had the time.

Later…

Tom just called for the third time and probably the last time.

He disagrees with what I said about not thinking others would want to read others’ journals and about him being bored stiff if he read these. He also believes that the kid he believes we’ll have will read my journals someday. I’ve been having a feeling, actually, that someday my journals will be read by someone, but I don’t know who. Well, I’m not gonna worry about it or let that feeling stop me from saying whatever I have to say.

I wonder how Tom feels about the idea of a child of ours reading the journals where I called him a liar or about our sex lives. I believe I once mentioned the sex part of it to him and he said he wasn’t worried since kids grow up to have sex lives, too. If we ever do have a kid, I’ll have to hide these from it as long as I’m alive. Then again, probably not. After asking myself if I’d have liked to have read my mother’s journals if she kept one, I'd say the answer is no. Except for maybe the parts about me. I think if my parents, Tom, Tammy, Andy, or anyone else I know or have known let me have access to any journals they wrote, I’d take them, but more than likely, I’d skim through most of them.

In shock, I still find myself wondering why I’m so lucky to have Tom and why he loves me so much as I know he does and why he wants to be with me forever as I also know he does. I know I’ve been a bit hard on him for a handful of reasons and I know I’m not the perfect wife or person, but for the most part, I know I’m a good person and a good wife and he’s a great person and great husband.

It should be just about light enough for me to see to stick my mail out, so I’m gonna go do that now. Also, my birds should be waking up. I played with Piggy, so now it’s time to entertain the birds.

Tom’s gonna change Piggy’s cage tomorrow.

Tom got $100 at Evelyn’s which is great, but his folks are still feeling shitty.

Also, Tom hurt his back at Evelyn’s. See how nice and fair God is? He gave Tom a hurt back for helping Evelyn. And no wonder God favors murderers. He’s a murderer himself what with talking 230 lives in that plane crash and so many other innocent people’s lives around the world.

Later…

I was wrong about where Tom got the ribbon from. He didn’t get it from his mother. He got it from Mary who got it at work. He says Mary says they’ll be giving away more stuff at her work that we might be able to get our hands on.

I told Tom all about the letter to Marty and why I’m sending it. He listened, and then told me he doesn’t agree with it and thinks it’s wrong, but I’m free to do as I please. I respect that and that’s fair.

I also asked him some questions, since he seems to be an expert. He said he thinks it probably took Evie a few months to conceive. He also says we don’t have to plan on having sex on or around mid-cycle cuz being able to conceive has a broad time frame, like 10 days. I hope he’s right, cuz I’ve always heard differently and Robin mentioned all that stuff about God arranging for me to be mid-cycle on weekends. He also said I would have PMS just like usual if I got pregnant just before. He says PMS (the water retention part) has nothing to do with conceiving and that the water is to prepare to make a water sack for a baby if a baby’s been conceived. If a baby hasn’t been conceived, you get your period and the water gets flushed out. No wonder women gain weight at the beginning of pregnancy. It’s cuz of all the water. He also says it’s not that the hormones are completely different, but that the levels fluctuate and no, it won’t alter my personality or drive me crazy. So does this mean that pregnant women use that and the different hormone levels as an excuse to be bitchy? I can see being pregnant making you uncomfortable or terrified, especially if it’s your first time, but not bitchy, cuz you’re supposed to be happy at that time. Why would anyone want to be bitchy, sad, or mad anyway, without a legit excuse or if they’ve got a medical problem?

As usual, there’s nothing worth watching on TV. Guess I’ll go set up the VCR to tape tomorrow’s women’s gymnastics.

I had a brief, yet pleasant enough talk with Tom about what I wrote the day before. In fact, Tom read the previous date’s writing.

He still totally disagrees with me and knows for a fact that one, I’m not sterile and two, I will be pregnant in September or October. Well, I don’t see it, but let’s hope he’s right just like he was about his cumming. I tried to adopt more of an optimistic attitude, but as you can see, that’s easier said than done. Most things, I don’t believe till I see, but if I’m proven wrong on something, then I believe. I told Tom that as each thing happens that I said wouldn’t or couldn’t believe, then I won’t be so pessimistic on that particular thing, but other things that haven’t happened yet, then yes, I’m pessimistic all right.

His parents are doing lousy. Ma can’t handle Dad physically and is very weak and arthritic herself due to all the stress. Tom thinks she’ll get better after Dad goes, but that’s where Mary and I disagree. He said his dad gets weaker by the day and much more out of it.

Mary’s staying overnight tonight, so Tom’s sleeping in bed.

I know that it’s not a very cool thing for me to still be angry at Uncle Marty or anyone else from my past. I should be big enough to tell myself that it’s done and over with and to just forget the past and the past people, but I guess you could say that’s one of my weaknesses and faults. I don’t always let go of the past like I should. I’m not as bad as I used to be, but still, I should keep on doing what I’ve been doing and not have anything to do with Marty. I just can’t, though. For some reason, my letting him know I could take him in a fight nowadays, really releases just about all of the anger I’ve had towards him for threatening me. I’m also kind of pissed at myself, too, and embarrassed for being a little wuss back then and for taking it and for just letting him get away with threatening me like he did. Why didn’t I clobber him? I should have. At that time I’m sure he could’ve clobbered me right back, but it would’ve been worth it to know I tried and didn’t just stand there and take it like a wimp.

I’m not mad anymore at Ronnie cuz I gave him a piece of mind back in 1986 or so. He ended up getting so scared of me that he changed his phone number.

I feel much better now, knowing I’ve talked to Larry and am sending this letter. Anyone else I’ve had problems with is done and over and in the past.

I promise myself this and anyone else who cares to listen and that’s that if I ever have any problems with being threatened by any more family members, neighbors, or anyone, I will jump their ass. I may lose or I may win, but there won’t be any words or threats coming out of my mouth. Only actions will there be.

So, Marty and Ruth are neighbors to my parents, huh? According to Information, they live in the same condos as my parents do. Of course, my parents will hear all about the letter and probably even read it, but I couldn’t care less.

I wonder if I should tell Tom about the letter and why I’m sending it? Maybe I should wait cuz I don’t want Tom to get all worried as he can get paranoid just like I can but in a different way. Also, I’m quite sure there’ll be no response from anyone about it. My parents and Marty and Ruth will be telling so many hundreds of people about it, that by the time they get around to calling me about it, I’m sure they’ll be really damn sick of discussing the subject.

I just remembered something weird. I sang at my funny farm graduation. I sang My Time Has Come. The stupid song I wrote when I was 15. I wonder why they let me sing. I mean, my voice sucked back then. I was a million times worse on my best singing days then, than I am on my worst singing days now.

I’m gonna take a break now to call AOL and see if I have any mail.

Later…

No mail for me, but I left Tammy a message.

Where the fuck are our stamps? Did that fucking mailman misdeliver them? Well, either Tom or myself intend to call the post office tomorrow and find out what the hell is going on. They better not have given them to fucking next door! If they did that or gave them to some other house, how the hell are we gonna prove that? They should’ve been here Wednesday, so I hope to hell they come tomorrow.

I watched some of the opening ceremonies of the Olympics. The only part of it I want to see is the women’s gymnastics.

Well, I’m getting really beat now and can barely see. With all the crying I did today, my eyes are blurred up big time, so I think I’ll hit the sack. I just hope to hell that the cramps I know I’m gonna wake up with aren’t too bad.

Later…

Naturally, I did get my period today and am not too bad in the way of cramps, so that’s good. Besides, I just pop an Ibuprofen when my cramps act up.

The stamps came, so that’s good. Tomorrow I’ll have letters going out to Kim, Bob, Larry, and Marty.

I hope to get a letter from Minnie soon, but who knows?

Later…

I just had to take a few minutes out to take a dump.

Anyway, what I’ll probably do is this. I am gonna get my parents an anniversary card and when I go to pick that up, along with Tammy’s birthday card, I’ll get a postcard and tell Marty how sorry I am for accusing him of leaving that message and that the person whose voice sounded just like his, called me and apologized for accusing me and said that they found out who really called them.

I got caught up on my sleep and feel much better now. I got up at 2 p.m. and am now doing some of the laundry. I’ve got it hanging out on the line. I wanted to get the bulk of it done today cuz I don’t know how much of the morning or late afternoon hours I’ll be awake tomorrow to hang dry stuff. That way, if I have to have Tom dry anything tomorrow, it’ll be one load and mainly sheets.

Robin was right so far. No noise from next door and no Blazer last night or as often. Like I said, I guess she and Mike aren’t seeing each other as much. I hope she doesn’t get a new rap-blasting boyfriend!

Last night Robin made a so-called deal with me. She said she wasn’t gonna tell me which month, but that I’ll be pregnant for sure in either August, September, or October and that if I’m not, she’ll never come near me again. OK, I told her. She said to think about it. Why is it that I haven’t happened to be mid-cycle but only once or twice in the past when it was the weekend? She said why do I suppose that for the last two weekends and the next and maybe even after that, God has it set so I’ll be mid-cycle? I suppose she’s trying to tell me that God has it set up this way to allow us the right time to work on impregnating me. I sure do hope so, anyway, and she and Tom reminded me that God doesn’t hate me and Tom says not to ditch Robin. OK, Tom does seem to be much smarter than I am when it comes to sex and the reproductive system, so I’ll sit back and let him prove the facts of life to me. He’s been right so far. Robin explained to me what she meant by “there’s a good chance” of my conceiving after we screwed when I was mid-cycle. Tom had said there was a 75% chance an egg got hit by a sperm and Robin said it did and it was a boy.

I wonder just how long it took Evie and Marla to conceive? They didn’t have any kids till they were in their 40s, although, Marla did have a few abortions along the way, but I don’t know about Evie.

In my letter to Kim, I told her how Tom said I’d get my period, even though he came in me when I was mid-cycle, and how he explained that a 30-year-old can’t adapt to hormone changes as fast and that he’s 100% sure I’m not sterile and will conceive in September or October. I asked her if she agreed and if this made sense to her. I suppose it would, but I want to hear her opinion anyway. I hope Tammy’s dead wrong when she said that anyone who screws for the 2½ years we did without getting pregnant by the pre-cum, is certainly sterile. I’ll have to ask Tom more about hormone changes. I thought I’d always heard that hormone changes can really play on your personality and moods and even make you kind of whacked out.

Tom says there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to go out and do your average typical job and wanting to stay home and be a wife and mother. I agree. I used to feel I was wrong for feeling the way I do and for wanting what I do, but millions of other women do it and there’s nothing wrong with it. I may even do other things while I was a mother. Like selling an art disk or whatever. We’ll see, but first things first and that is getting the kid in the first place, even though it seems it should take many, many miracles to do so.

Well, time to go get the clothes off the line, so chow for now!

Tom’s at Evelyn’s now as we agreed on, but I sure hope he changes Piggy’s cage and trims the hedges sometime during the weekend.

I am so depressed right now. More so than I thought I’d be. I’ve usually been not too good with writing while I was depressed and therefore would forget some of what I had thought or felt at the time. So, I’m trying to break that habit and write while my mind is churning with emotions, feelings, and thoughts.

I didn’t get my period today, but I know I will tomorrow, and am so fucking bloated right now. The only thing I don’t have is sore tits. I have everything else that says my period’s right around the corner and I just don’t see how women can feel like this if they’re pregnant. I mean, no way! Maybe just a tiny fraction of PMS, but this? I don’t think so.

Anyway, the main reason I’m depressed right now is cuz I’m now dealing with my sterility like never before in my whole life. I knew it. I just knew I could never get pregnant and if only Tom knew just how wrong he is about my getting pregnant soon or ever. Now that I know he really does want a kid, there’s gonna be two of us to be let down. I know, though, that it’ll be no big deal to Tom that he can handle it and that it will never hit him an eighth of how it’s hit me.

I should’ve known better than to get all excited about his cumming, other than for the fact that it feels good to him and makes me feel I’ve done my job in bed right.

Once again, I want to know why God hates me so much and why Robin’s such a liar. And Robin said I’d be pregnant by September? Then that I’ll know I’m pregnant by my birthday? This is such bullshit! Why, why, why!!! Why does God hate me so much?! Why does he want to torture me? God will never let me have anything, will he? Oh, we may get some new things here and there and we may move someday, but that’s it. I’ll still be the same old Jodi with the same old life.

Tom and I were talking about my ear one time and he told me that God marks his special ones. Oh yeah? Was I that special to him that he had to mark my plumbing for destruction, too? I hate him, I hate him, I hate him! Won’t he ever just let me have at least one thing I’ve really wanted? Not something I didn’t think of or plan on or want or try for that I got and ended up loving whatever it was and wanting to keep it forever and ever like Tom and like coming out here. I used to feel differently and I hope I’m wrong about this, but I can’t ever see myself getting over not being able to have a child or forgiving God for sterilizing me. Most of the issues that I have to deal with are one after another, lasting for 2-3 years, but not this one. This one may end up being longer than the issue of how bad I had wanted to be a singer. What is this, a case of God feeling I’m ready and tough enough to deal with facing the fact of sterility like never before? Well, I can’t deal with it. And I can’t just say to myself that I’m just not gonna give God the satisfaction of showing him that he’s hurt me and that this situation has hurt me. I can’t carry on with my life as if it’s OK that I can’t have a child. If it were that easy, I’d have done so a long time ago.

I mentioned how Tom talked about a 30-year-old getting used to hormone changes and that getting pregnant would take 2-3 months. Well, I wish he were right, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that 30 or not, I should’ve conceived at the time we did it. To do it 14 days before your period is supposed to be the prime time for conception.

They say no one’s ever fought God and won, so I guess I’ll just have to be the first. Somehow, some way, I must deal with this and get over it and get it out of my system. I know I must do something in life, too, even if it’s gonna be second best and even if my heart’s not gonna be in it.

I hate Robin so much now and I don’t ever want Robin anywhere near me! How dare she say this shit just to tell me what I want to hear to cheer me up while knowing it’s pure bullshit! They’re just like I thought Tom was up till the day he came.

Just about every single time I’ve ever been happy, it’s for nothing. I’m such a stupid, silly dreamer with no real destiny or future. All I’ll do is get occasional bursts of happiness about something that doesn’t even exist or about something that’s just an illusion or that just doesn’t last long at all or pan out to be much. God just loves to tease me. It’s like he’s saying to me, “I’ll give you happiness here and there, and then just when you think it may last, I’ll throw you back down so hard and laugh while you cry in depression, frustration, and anger.”

For the second time since next door’s been here, I hear music coming from their house. It’s perfectly fine with me, though, cuz you can only faintly hear it in the music room and it’s not like it’s bassy and rocks the whole house like that car stereo can.

The Blazer isn’t there as much anymore which is fine with me. Guess they’re not getting along as well or as much or something.

I’m just really worried about how the noise situation around here will be in the winter. Robin says not to worry at all, but we’ll see.

Today I feel much better than yesterday. I only shit once today and today my stomach hasn’t been bothering me in the way of gas or pre-cramps and my boobs are still fine. This is typical, though, to get symptoms of the period coming on, but then the last two days or so before the period can be much comfier.

Guess they didn’t feel like listening to music for long. I just walked by that room to go to the bathroom and it was silent. I hope that the weather report I just heard means that Robin will be right when she says that this weekend there’ll be no parties next door and that they’ll be gone throughout most of the weekend. It’s gonna be drying up and it’s to be 110° tomorrow, then 112° during the weekend. Hot and dry they say.

I forgot to mention this, but according to Robin, they probably won’t be getting a dog next door, figuring they just don’t have enough time to tend to it. That’s smart, rather than to leave it outside 24/7 like two yards down does. Those are just guard dogs, but that still is a cruel thing to do to even guard dogs, if you ask me.

I hope this weekend will be good, other than the fact that I’ll be cramping and ragging. Maybe a little sad too, as it’ll be a reminder to me once again, that I just can’t conceive. And that means no matter what age I am, too. I get it. God felt that I’ve done my time dealing with Tom’s not cumming, and now that he is, he feels I’m ready to deal with the next step and that’s going from 99.9% sure I’m sterile to 100% sure I’m sterile. Then I’ll have to deal with that forever since no fertility specialist could ever do a damn thing about it. Then God will also stick another one of those 2-3-year deals on me where I’ll have something different or freaky to eat at my emotions. Is that it?

I talked to Andy today for too long, as usual, but his mouth just kept going a mile a minute and he just wouldn’t let me off the fucking phone. Still, we had a nice talk. The bulk of it was about his many and mixed feelings about Quinn. He’s had him sexually more than he ever thought possible lately, but yet has a hard time with the fact that Quinn is so closeted.

Andy also called Barbara Nicks and asked her to the movies. As we both figured, she’s busy. She did tell him, though, that he’s the first young man in quite a while to ask her to the movies.

According to Andy, he dreamt about Fran and thinks that means he’s gonna try to contact us. I hope not, but if Tom or I answer the phone and it’s him, we’ll just hang up. If he’s been such a good boy this long, why would he start up now? It wouldn’t surprise me, though, unless he’s in jail, the funny farm, or dead.

Again we got no mail today. Not even the stamps we ordered, so I hope to hell they come tomorrow. I’d just die if those got misdelivered. If they ever delivered something of importance to us to next door, I know they’d never return it. I ought to send something there to myself to see just how honest they are, but it’s not worth the stamp to find out what I already figure greatly on and if the mailman saw the name S on it, he’d cross out their number, write ours on it and deliver it here.

Tom’s over at his parent’s house now putting some kind of lock on their doors. Always doing something for them.

Last night or the night before, Wendy called and he told me he doubted she’d be calling for a while.

Yeah, right. I suppose that’s why she just called a little while ago. She’s such a pushy one! I mean, she’s got two kids, so where is she getting all this time to sit and call us and play computer? Wendy really had the hots for Tom, so has she just gotten to really missing him or trying to bug us or what? I know they got it on here a few times before we met. I wonder, did he cum for her?

Anyway, when Tom comes in, I assume he’ll be beat and just want to sit in front of the TV till he goes to bed. I hope he’ll take care of something we need done soon enough and that’s Piggy’s cage, cuz it really needs to be done.

I’m rather ticked off that he said he won’t post for another job now, which he’s eligible to do, till after this shit with his parents is over. First of all, this shit with his parents won’t be over for quite a while. Second of all, I’m sick of him putting off decisions that affect us both and putting others first. Why the hell can’t he and Mary talk to the other family members and tell them to get off their lazy asses and do their fair share? Why does Tom have to do nearly everything? Why can’t David do the damn door or something for a change? Must he use his kid as an excuse when these people do have the money for a babysitter if Evie’s not around? I can see, though, just how easy it’d be to use a kid as an excuse to get out of doing something you don’t like to do or want to do or just can’t deal with. I’d probably try to say that my kid was sick or something like that and kids are always sick, so I’m sure I’d be believed if I had a kid.

I’m almost finished with the doggie journal I’m in and truthfully, I’ve been anxious to get out of it cuz I can’t wait to get to the fruit journal. Also, the one after that which will be the one for Women Who Do Too Much, ought to be different and interesting enough, too. The blue and purple one with the crumpled paper look, has plain white lined paper, and at the same time the cover’s nothing special, it is kind of nice looking. Tom really liked it a lot and it’s totally something I can see him buying and writing in if he were into writing journals.

It’s pretty nice outside now, but it’s still pretty warm. Once the sun goes down, I’ll switch over to the EC.

I kept busy today when I wasn’t on the phone. I wrote and I cleaned the house. I was too lazy to dust, but I gave the appliances a quick clean-up to keep them from getting built up with shit, then I cleaned the bathroom and vacuumed.

Later…

Tom got in and he says his dad’s doing terrible. Very weak and incoherent. He’d be moaning in pain one minute, then saying he was hungry another minute, then tired the next minute and tonight he was singing cheerfully for a good 20 seconds or so.

Tom’s mom doesn’t use her computer too much anymore cuz of her arthritis. Especially now that the monitor just completely died. So, she gave us one of her ribbons and Tom’s now unloading a dead ribbon from its case and loading the one she gave us into it cuz its case was of a different size. I hope it works. I don’t see why it can’t.

I was absolutely shocked, yet flattered to hear what Tom told me earlier. Mary can’t have kids due to having to have a hysterectomy. Tom said that he thinks Mary would’ve made just an average mother and that I’d make an even better mother than her. Wow! What faith he has in me! Well, I’m trying to adopt the “you never know” attitude, but it’s hard. Yes, I know that things have happened that I never thought could or would, but we’re talking a whole different ball game here.

Later…

Tom just went to bed. He’s really beat, as usual.

He brought home a video of Ryan’s high school graduation and a couple of blank tapes to make copies for those who want one. (another thing to do for others) This kid got a graduation ceremony and a party with money and gifts and all kinds of things for graduating. Lucky kid. All I got was a music book and a most-improved-behavior award. How humiliating, huh?

Tom’s sleeping out here in the back room right now due to the way things are with his dad.

I know this may sound like a really cruel and sick thing to say, but even though his parents are so sweet and I love to see them, I wish they didn’t exist. They’re stealing our lives away. Then again, if it weren’t them stealing our lives, it’d be something or someone else. There’s always a problem somewhere with somebody.

This Saturday he’s working at Evelyn’s who does pay him well cuz I’ll be sleeping late and due to having my period that day, I won’t feel the greatest body-wise or head-wise. I just hope Evelyn doesn’t need him next weekend and the next and the next. This is only the 4th or 5th time, I think, that she’s needed Tom to work for her, so she’s not that bad. Not as bad as Wendy’s phone calls and certainly not as bad as Tom’s parents. Still, his parents are very lucky to have kids like Tom and Mary. When we get old and senile or disabled or weak or whatever the case may be, there’ll be no one to take care of us and help us out. Getting old is really a scary thought to me due to all the pain and disability it means having, and then the fact that there’ll be no one there for us makes it worse.

Andy and I were discussing a pattern we’ve noticed in our lives that’s the opposite of the pattern my sister and I seem to have. Well, usually when things are good here, they’re not so good with my sister or her family, and vice versa. With Andy and I, well, when he has good luck, I do too, and when he has bad luck, I do, too. He’s been having good luck lately and we have too (except for being busy and with Tom’s family), so I told him to keep having good luck so that it’ll keep rubbing off on us and maybe, just maybe, we will have a kid. My hopes may be rather unrealistic, but like I said before, dreams are dreams and we all have them.

He’s confused a lot of the time about Quinn, yet he also understands him. When Quinn and Andy are together around Quinn’s friends, Quinn acts like Andy’s just a friend and doesn’t want anyone to know about them. But when they’re alone, it’s a different story. The thing that makes it hard for Andy is that Quinn calls all the shots. He can’t talk about sex, ask for sex, or have sex with Quinn unless Quinn brings it up. Andy said he said to Quinn that it’d be nice if every once in a while he could call Quinn up for sex, but Quinn just doesn’t like that idea. He describes Quinn as very selfish, insecure, and miserable, at the same time he’s friendly and loving. And of course, he’s all fucked up on drugs and is just so damn naïve. I hope things work out, though, and I told Andy to just give it time, cuz you never know. He’s already gotten further than he ever thought he would, so he just might get even further with Quinn in time.

Later…

I just got up to leave Andy a quick message and let him in on the latest scoop in our lives and now I’m gonna take a shower which I need desperately. I need to shave and boy, does my hair need washing!

Dear Uncle Marty,

I was very upset to come home to a message from you on our answering machine saying, “How dare you prank phone call us and I’ll come out there and kick your butt if you do it again.”

First of all, I haven’t made a prank phone call to you or anyone else since 1991. Second of all, you wouldn’t stand a fraction of a chance in a fight with me in this day and age. Third of all, I thought our past problems were just that - past problems.

Yes, we’ve all done wrong in the past and yes, I am 100% guilty of calling you several years ago and having my friend call you. However, I now haven’t a thing in the world against you and your family and I wish you no harm or ill luck whatsoever and I was really hoping we could just let dead dogs lay dead. I’m sorry you have such bad feelings towards me and I can’t change that, but I still do love you and Aunt Ruth and wish you both luck, happiness, and good health.

Jodi Lin

What you just read, believe it or not, is a letter I’m sending to my uncle, even though the part of it with the message he left is bullshit. Why am I doing this? Oh, I guess for two reasons. I’m just curious to see what type of response it’ll stir up, either from them or my folks, if anyone at all. Also, I just had to make that threat about him not being able to beat me at this time, and that’s the truth too, as is the rest of the letter. I’ve had a lot of anger towards my two uncles for several years. I don’t know why or why I haven’t gotten over the past. The reason for my anger toward Uncle Ronnie is that he was always such a bully. So rude and macho. I mean, he thought he was just the toughest thing in the world. As for Uncle Marty, well, I think I’ve mentioned the bullshit thing they accused me of and how he reacted to it when I was 14. I stood with him and Aunt Ruth at a campground in Connecticut for a little while one summer and this boy and I were getting a little touchy-feely cuz I just didn’t know how to say no. Well, they thought we went much further, after they found out about it, which I never had any intention of doing. They wouldn’t listen to me. They wouldn’t believe me and this had gotten me into enough hot water with my parents, of course. And of course, my parents believed them and not me. Then one of them or both of them hit me (I can’t remember which or if it was both). Then Marty came over to the house and scared the shit out of me and threatened me cuz I slammed the door on his face cuz I was pissed off at him for lying about me and for how he treated me. If only I were like I am now back then. I’ve thought it a million times over. I would’ve dogged him and I mean dogged him! I wouldn’t have cared what the consequences were.

Other than that, I’ve gotten over my anger towards Larry and a few others here and there who did me wrong in the past. I mean, I do wish I had ended up fighting a few people back in school and people like Bonnie (Brenda’s roommate on Woodside Terrace). And also Barbara in the NHA, but I had either been too nice, too sick, or physically unable to do so at the time. If I had been able to, I’m sure I’d have spared myself a lot of shit from them, but I also would’ve been arrested, too, I’m sure. So there’s both good and bad to the way the past turned out. Yup, with my temper the way it was in the past, which was a million times worse than it could ever be now, I’d have spent plenty of time in court and maybe even jail, too.

The ribbon prints just great. I just used it to print Mary’s letter, then I copied and pasted it in. Tom said it won’t last as long, though, as this ribbon is shorter.