I just applied a really cool screen saver. It’s called ‘leaky roof’ and water droplets come down one by one and make the stuff on the screen look all soggy and rippely, just as it would if water spilled on a piece of paper or if you were looking at a piece of paper that was underwater. It’s pretty neat. I like to change things around every now and then for variety. Stuff like screen savers, wallpaper, and fonts.

I thought my so-called “sterility reminder” was here today as I’ve had massive pre-cramping today. The weird thing about it was that it turned out I just needed to take a dump. This happened a few times yesterday and a few times today. At one point, I was lying in bed cuz my stomach acted up in a way that did feel like cramps for sure, but then Robin came and said it wasn’t cramps I was feeling and that I just needed to go to the bathroom. “But I just did,” I had thought. Then, sure enough, my stomach got worse in a way that I could then tell was a need to shit, so I did.

I’m getting really skeptical, once again, of Robin. I just remembered that Robin told me I’d be finding out I was pregnant by September. I looked it up in my journals and there it was in quotes what she had told me. That’s impossible. Even if I weren’t sterile, September’s too soon for a 30-year-old to conceive. Why is she lying? What’s on her mind? What’s motivating her to tell me such shit? And now she’s saying that she won’t tell me when but that by my birthday I’ll know for sure I’m pregnant. 

Oh, come on! Give me a break! Who does she think she’s kidding? God can’t love me that much and so suddenly, can he? If he hated me for the most part, how can he love me that much now to give us a child?

I know Tom proved me wrong on something I was dead sure of, but how can he just know and have so much confidence that I’ll be pregnant in a few months? How many times can he prove me wrong? How many more times can Robin be right? She was wrong about how long the company would be next door, even though she said she is sometimes wrong about the smaller things in life, but still, for her to know and be right about the pregnancy just seems too far out in left field.

All that she’s told me about my getting pregnant now or real damn soon, then carrying it to term, then having it naturally, just seems as impossible as me waking up 6 feet tall and being able to snap my fingers and be on the moon, then snap my fingers again and have many $100 dollar bills in my hand.

I just don’t get it. Why would she say these things? Why would Tom? God’s never given me anything that I desperately wanted so very, very, very bad. Only stuff I wanted to keep very, very, very bad like being here and having Tom after I’d gotten these things. So, the big question is, why would he start now? He never gave me a singing career that I desperately wanted. He never gave me the woman I desperately wanted badly. So why should he give me the child I desperately want badly? Why would he suddenly smile down upon me and decide to bless me in such a grand way? It doesn’t seem logical for him to do so. It doesn’t fit the pattern. Especially when I still feel that yes, he gave me some gifts that he’ll probably never let me use in a professional kind of way, but for the bulk of my life God has hated me.

I don’t know when Tom will be home, cuz I’m assuming that he’s making his daily trip to his parent’s house, while everyone else except for Mary sits on their ass as if nothing’s going on. Tom wants to go, though, regardless of what other people do cuz he really does love his dad very much. As he told me, he’s the greatest person he’s ever known. I think Tom’s dad dying is gonna hit him harder than anyone else that could ever die that he knows. Even me. And even our child, if we could’ve ever had one.

I’d still like to know what my destiny is. I thought that God had given me a voice to sing with to share with the world, but I was wrong. So what can I share with anyone, other than a clean house and some conversation? If I can’t use my voice or my plumbing, what can I use? What can I do?

I can’t be alone. There’s got to be other people in this world in the very same situation I’m in. I can’t be that unique, even though I know there’s definitely been some pretty damn unique things about me or those I’ve known. Still, I’d like to talk to someone like me and ask them, what do they do? How do they handle it? Do they settle? Do they do nothing? Do they just kill time and wait till their time is up? I wonder.

I’ll probably have to see Doctor Rauche for a checkup in 2-3 months when my yearly prescriptions run out and Tom says that he feels it’s very possible that I’ll be there for a pregnancy test too. Yeah, I fantasized about that myself, but I’m just so afraid it’s just that, a fantasy. Will Tom go back to his old ways? Will we never hit it right if I am sterile due to bad timing or not having enough time?

Well, there’s no use dwelling on it cuz if there’s anything Robin’s told me that I agree with 100%, it’s that fate is fate and nothing I say or do is gonna change something that’s inevitable, whether it’s a good thing or not.

It looks like things are clearing up outside. It was sunny today, but still sort of humid. Last night, though, it finally got comfortable enough to run the EC and air the place out.

We’ve got to change Piggy’s cage, though, as he’s starting to stink.

Tom mowed yesterday after spraying the yard with ant killer and he said he’d trim the hedges by the clothesline back for me by the weekend since I sometimes still like to hang stuff out. Especially sheets. When he’s not here, I usually use the line to save him the trouble of having to go out to the dryer, especially if he’s tired, and if I’m tired, too, and I just want to get it over with.

I sometimes wonder if I should type up my old letter journals, but are they that important? The only real purpose of having typed versions of my journals is in case of a fire, so hopefully they’ll never be used. The only time I use them is to search for things quickly. Also, I can’t see a need for this, but if I wanted to print out a section or excerpt for someone, I could do that without giving them my journal.

See? That’s the fourth fucking time I’ve shit today. I did this 3 times yesterday and 4 times today, yet my weight is up to 104 which is the highest I’ve been in a while. I’m supposed to be constipated at this time of month, but I’m sure I will be for the next day or two. That’s OK, though, cuz I’ve shit enough to last a week. It’s confusing at times to know for sure which is a pre-cramp and which is a shit cramp.

Later…

Tom’s home now and he told me that the reason why my stomach has been the way it has been is cuz I’ve eaten too much ice cream. Could be and probably is.

He also said that his dad went to the doctor today which was really rough on him. It was kind of hard for Mom, too, and the doctor told her not to bring him back in cuz it’s too hopeless and he’s going to die. He said there’s nothing left to do for him, but that the hospice nurse can give him whatever she thinks will make him more comfortable.

Tom’s been thinking of the perfect latch for the doors cuz he goes out in the middle of the night naked. It’s not senility he’s got, but due to the constant pain he’s in and the medication, he’s been very disoriented. Sometimes at night, he swears it’s early morning or something like that. He and Ma are trying to figure out some kind of latch that’ll confuse him into getting the door open, but that also won’t make it impossible for Ma to open the door. In a sense, he’s more able-bodied than she is. I suggested a chain lock or a latch lock that slides.

Mary agrees with me, but Tom doesn’t, about Mom. You see, life’s just one thing after another and since something up there is so determined to keep Tom busier than all hell and have one thing after another after another after another go on in our lives, I think ma’s next. Meaning, I think that after dad dies, we’ll need to tend to ma all the time. Tom doesn’t agree with Mary and me and says that once she’s set up properly and has the stuff she needs, she’ll be OK by herself and won’t need constant help. This I’ve got to see to believe, but for ma’s sake and the family’s sake, I hope Tom’s right and that Mary and I are wrong. So then we’ll get hit with something else. Something else will be going on that’ll steal our time or money or both from us.

I don’t know how we can afford this, but Tom asked me which CD I wanted the most from the record club. We still have to buy a few more in the next year or two. They don’t have Linda’s or Gloria’s new CD yet, so I told him The Best of the Village People would do just fine.

That scale of ours is pretty whacked out, cuz now it’s telling me I weigh 100 and not 104 or 102.

In a few minutes, Tom and I are going swimming.

Later…

Just came in from our swim a little while ago and I just de-waxed my ear. Tom says he doesn’t think it was my wisdom tooth that was bothering me. He thinks it was my ear. I thought this time it was my tooth, but now it feels almost 100% better, so that’s nice, no matter what it was. Maybe whenever I feel that way I should take Ibuprofen and de-wax my ear, rather than take Ibuprofen and put alcohol and peroxide in my ear.

The humidity is down a little, so we’re gonna switch to the EC after the sun goes down like we did last night.

Well, who knows if Tom will be in the mood for fun tonight. He’s tired as usual, but it’s OK cuz I took care of myself when I got horny earlier.

Tom just asked me if I wanted the TV now and I said no. Then he said he didn’t want it, but then why is he still watching it? I figured he’d watch it till he goes to bed which ought to be any time now.

Not surprisingly, Tom did find something on TV and I was watching a little myself. Not too good. A plane exploded a few hours ago in New York, about 10 miles out into the Atlantic. They say it’s either a bomb or a malfunction in the engine, but they don’t know for sure. If it’s a bomb, though, I’d think it’d be an inside job due to the mega security they have. Tom says he thinks it’s an engine gone bad and that they had no way of detecting it.

I was reading my book some more, but I want to go to the library as soon as we can to look for some book titles I copied down on a piece of paper that I got out of the back covers of some past horror books I’ve read. Hopefully, I’ll find them and hopefully they’ll be just what I like.

We switched to the EC, and it’s tolerable in here, so that’s good.