Tom got in at 10 last night and crashed not too long afterward.

He won $90 at the dog racetrack! That’s great. He says that can all be play money for going shopping tomorrow morning. He said maybe he’ll find a book he wants. I hope so. Meanwhile, we didn’t split the money in any kind of way. We just decided that we’d get what we wanted till it ran out.

No new news about his family, so that’s nice.

We may stop by to see Carol and Steven before they return to California.

He went to bed after being up for around 19 hours and he said, “See you in a few hours,” and right away I thought, here we go again!

I really firmly believe that he just isn’t quite ready for a kid and is gonna start doing whatever he can do to make sure he’s too tired or too busy over the next 10 days or so, so he can’t have sex and can’t get off. I also firmly believe that he’s both teasing me and trying to “teach me life lessons” as far as patience, maturity, attitudes, dealing with life, etc. It could be a lot of factors and I think it is. I think he wants a new job first, more money, and God knows what else before he feels ready for a kid. He says, for example, that money would never have been a problem as far as a kid goes, but it’s not that easy for me to take him at face value. Why did he tell me he was so sure the job would produce a kid, then turn around and say that that’s not the way to make a kid and tell me that spontaneity is the way? The contradictions really frustrate me and piss me off. His stories, opinions, and beliefs seem to change just way too much when it comes to sex and making the kid. I just don’t know what to believe, anymore, or if he’s fully leveling with me about something he’s telling me or trying to explain to me. I’m tempted to ask him why he said he was so sure that the job would work, then say the opposite, but what’s the point? I’ve got to get myself into the habit of not asking questions when I can’t have a kid no matter what he does. If I see him avoiding me during mid-cycle times over the next few months, I’d normally ask him about it, but I’ve got to remember that if I see him do this, to tell myself to let him run scared or avoid sex then, cuz I can’t have a kid anyway, and fate is fate. If it were meant to be, it would’ve already happened and it wouldn’t have mattered when we screwed or when he got off.

I just don’t trust a lot of what he says. I never know if he’s gonna tell me the exact opposite of something the next day, or something that’s a little different from the original version a week later.

If he’s really trying to teach me any new attitudes or anything about life, it’s wrong. If I need or want to learn something about myself or life and make any personal changes, that’s got to be done by me. Someone can ask you for advice, but you can’t change or control people. He says that I shouldn’t try to change or control people, but this is exactly what I feel he’s trying to do to me. It’s not his job to change my ways. It’s up to me and me only to change anything about me or the way I go about life. Not my mother, not my sister, not Andy, not him, not anyone.

Maybe the way I feel confused by a lot of the things he says and does will help make my desire to have the kid we can’t have easier to live with. I mean, I just can’t live up to that list I wrote. I want to try to live up to it when I’m around him, but in here and in my own mind, no way.

I’m telling you right now what he’s gonna do over the next 10 days or so. So if I come back and write in that he did just what I felt he’d do, then obviously I do have grounds for my beliefs and theories and aren’t just a lucky guesser. I think that if you hit it right about a certain subject too many times, you can’t be just a lucky guesser. It can’t be a coincidence. I do hope, though, with all my heart, that I end up writing just the opposite of what I said I felt would happen. No one wants to be right in the wrong kind of way, but I’ve never been wrong yet on this one. Only about his getting off. Still, though, I’ve been 100% right about my not getting pregnant.

I’m almost tempted to make up an excuse for why I can’t screw if he initiates that from the 2nd to the 6th. I just don’t want him to have the satisfaction of knowing he’s not gonna get off those days, then kiss me frantically, while he tells me how close he was after being on top of me for only two seconds.

I just want him to quit fucking with my head, quit trying to change or develop me into anything else that he thinks is best for me, and just level with me. I don’t want his stories to keep changing so much, either. And if he’s reading this, I’ll be right for sure over the next 10 days. I know him very well enough to know just what kinds of things he’ll do the opposite of what I say and what he’ll do just what I say.

Oh, how bad I want to be dead wrong about how I believe he’ll treat me on my birthday and how I believe he won’t get off during the right times! Not a chance, though. I mean, I just can’t see it. Boy, would I be shocked if he did just one of these (which would probably be to treat me nicely on my birthday). But you know what one of my “life rules” is. If I want it bad, there’s a 99.9% chance I can’t have it.

Good, God! Every time I lose 2 pounds and have a few bites to eat, it comes right back. It’s hopeless. Well, I am trying to not try so hard on things in general, so I guess I’ll just let my weight do what it’s meant to do, rather than fight it. If it were to really start getting out of control, then maybe I’ll try and see if I can fight it.

I have both good and bad news to report. First of all, Tom explained to me what happened with the VCR. He said that he watched some TV that morning, accidentally hit the record button without realizing it, then went back to do some computer work for a couple of hours. He said he didn’t turn it off, cuz he figured it’d be towards the end of the tape, anyway, and that it’d just hit the end and rewind itself.

The day before yesterday, we went to the mall and finally got the mugs made up with our pictures on them. The lady there was really nice. She was an older lady who talked a bit much, went on and on about her grandson, but was friendly. She had us pose in front of a video camera and then we’d pick the shot we liked. However, I thought I looked awful, no matter what, so I picked the least awful one I could. I guess I’m starting to age, but I just looked totally pitiful. We made up two pictures of each of the two shots she took, so we could send one each to them. The funny thing about it was that she got one of them upside down. I jokingly told Tom we ought to send that one to my mom. It’s too cool and funny for me to give it to someone like Andy, so I’ll keep it for ourselves.

They had hundreds of names on mugs and key chains. Even names I’ve never heard of before. There was also a file drawer filled with names not yet cooked onto mugs or key chains. Tom said to the woman, “I’ll bet you don’t have her mother’s name.”

Sure enough, though, and to our surprise, they had the name Dureen. I’ve never heard of anyone else in this world with this name and if I knew the mall had that name written down on whatever, I’d think it had to do directly with my mother if I didn’t know any better.

I’ve seen my name also spelled Jodie and Jody, but never Jodey, like I saw on a key chain there. They even had a Lin one and not just the typical Lyn, Lynn or Lynne.

We also got a bite to eat in the mall, then, I got myself the new journal that I’m doing now.

We also went to a store that has stuff seen on TV. They had that Braidini and Hairdini thing I’d like to have, among a few other nice things. I think that just about every store in that mall and everywhere has enough stuff I’d like.

I couldn’t believe just how many pregnant teens I saw at the mall, even though I can. I saw about 5 pregnant people and not one of them was over 20. It’s sick. It really is.

After we came home Tom was on my case about being cranky. To him, being cranky means to bitch or complain more than usual. He agreed that maybe I wasn’t being that way and maybe he was too sensitive, but I was. I just hated the way I looked. Anyway, he said he hoped I’d be less cranky, cuz he missed having fun and my being cranky drains him. I said that I had thought that when you love someone and are attracted to them, you’re supposed to love them and be turned on by them and want to touch them, regardless of what mood they’re in. He said that for him, sex and love and attraction are all different things that aren’t connected. He said that sex is a mental thing with him, even though he also says he has to be with someone to whom he’s attracted. When I talk about attraction, I’m talking about someone good-looking. He swears, though, that he does not punish me. Whatever. I’m still wary about what he’s gonna do on my birthday, but it looks like I’ll be asleep for the bulk of that day.

Tom tells me that I should just live life, which means not planning so much, not trying so hard, and not assuming so much. Also, to not do things with so many expectations. This is gonna be pretty impossible advice to follow. He makes it sound so easy, but I don’t think I can ever help myself if this is what it’ll take.

He says that my not having a kid or having a kid won’t change how I feel. He said what I’m feeling is normal and that there are always things we all want really bad, it’s just a matter of how people deal with it and live life in the meantime. Well, obviously I’m the wimpiest of them all, cuz I can’t seem to deal with shit when it comes to accepting and dealing with the stuff I want real bad that I can never have.

I always thought that these feelings would go away if I had a kid. The desire to have one would go away if I had one, but he’s right; there’d just be something new to replace the kid desire. Something new I’d want really bad. I guess there really is no point in having a kid, is there? Why not just always want one thing, instead of one thing after another?

I’ve decided that no matter how I feel emotionally, it really would be best to keep things as they are. That’s no problem, as you probably figured a long time ago, too, so this is the formula of life I’m gonna try to live by. Tom says it’s OK, for example, to believe I’ll never have a kid, but that I shouldn’t live my life like I’m not going to. Well, what should I do then? Run out and get cribs and all kinds of things for a baby? I think that’d be premature. I can only live my life how it is unless there is a change of any kind. If we decide to move, for example, we can check into the details of it then. Not now.

From what people have said, it seems like they think that a woman who tries too hard or who believes she’s sterile, can’t get pregnant, or has a much harder time doing so. This doesn’t make too much sense to me. I’ve heard of other people who found they were pregnant when they thought they never could be. As far as that and the trying part - how can that change how biology works, unless there’s something physically wrong? I would think that a person’s plumbing (eggs, sperm, ovaries, uterus, etc.) would be as they are and function however they’re gonna function, regardless of what those people’s attitudes, moods, or beliefs are. But last night he did say something about my belief that I can’t conceive being a factor in why I haven’t. How, though? How? I don’t think it could be anything I’ve said, thought, done or felt. I think it’s God’s will. That coupled with the fact that Tom gets off so little.

Tom also told me that he didn’t want to quit the job and that he thought I wanted to quit. Yeah, I did want to quit for two reasons. Cuz even though it was fun and I don’t want to have sex too infrequently, it won’t produce a baby and he said he likes spontaneity. So I asked him why he’d want to do the job if he likes spontaneity and he said it was cuz he was OK with accepting that you can’t have everything your way in a marriage and he wanted to make me happier. So I asked him point-blank what he thinks the ideal sex life is for him. He said spontaneously with no plans, rules or expectations. So, I agreed to do this that way, if it’ll please him. I feel that as long as I get sex enough, I can be flexible with how we go about it. Then I asked him if we should avoid the mid-cycle area and he said no, cuz that’d be part of planning. True, but I’m sure (and I can’t help it if I feel I know something) that he and God will make sure we spontaneously don’t happen to have sex during those times and if we do, I’m still pretty sure enough that he won’t cum.

Anyway, about the life formula I haven’t written in yet - if I try to take his advice as often as I can, maybe life will be easier, whether it ever changes or not.

1. Live life.

2. Keep my promise about not killing myself.

3. Keep my promise to give Tom the child he may want (if possible).

4. Don’t assume too much.

5. Don’t worry about my schedule - accept it, accept myself, accept life.

6. Don’t try to control things, but trying to make changes for the better is OK.

7. It’s OK to think or believe stuff - but I need to wait and see what really happens.

8. Try not to place reason on stuff.

9. Keep an open mind and try to see that my beliefs, theories & answers may not be right or the only ones.

10. Have sex spontaneously with no rules or expectations, don’t try to have sex or avoid sex during prime conception times.

This is gonna be difficult. Very difficult. But I’m gonna try my best.

Tom will see a copy of these 10 things. I wrote them up and taped them to the bathroom wall. I use the bathroom every day, so I figured that this would be the best way to help remind me of this stuff. I still don’t know what it’ll accomplish or if it’ll help me if I can go by these tips, but I guess I couldn’t know without trying.

Anyway, last night I couldn’t sleep and ended up being up 20 hours. No, I didn’t make it to Thanksgiving, which I felt bad about, even if it would’ve been boring. Tom went, though, and why did I say David and Evie live in Mesa? They live in Tempe. Anyway, he said it was both too planned and too unorganized, but he had an OK enough time, anyway. He brought back some turkey, yams and stuffing for me.

Tammy left a message today wanting computer help from Tom. So, I called her and let her know he went to David and Evie’s and that I was home not feeling well (my wisdom tooth is bugging me again, so thank God they’re coming out soon). She said that a program froze up (crashed), but they fixed it.

I didn’t get up till 3 PM, but it was amazingly quiet for Turkey Day. This is the longest stretch of time next door’s been quiet. They’ve been the best with their music too, for a while now and if they were like this all the time, I’d never want them to move. I just hope it stays this way. I thought they’d freak out more during the winter months, but I guess they like to party more and play their music louder more so in the summer.

I did an art project for Tom earlier. It was funny cuz he was saying it was a big huge project, but it was nothing for me. He wanted simple little drawings to use for doing programming, which is his hobby. He wants to put it on cards for his card game, I guess. He says he’s finally ready to do the envelopes I drew up and scan those in, but we’ll see. He still seems to procrastinate a lot of the time. In fact, if I had to give Tom “life tips,” I’d tell him to be more consistent (that goes for me, too) and not procrastinate so much. Also, continue being neater and more organized. I guess I won’t say to put stuff back where I put it, cuz I still think he likes me to do that for him, us, or whatever.

Later...

I talked to Andy last night. We made our final round of calls to the suckers whose numbers he wrote down that he got from my mailbox. I’d say that Ky (Mr. Scott M), who claims to be in this grand porno business, and Jim, were the biggest suckers of them all.

Right now, Tom is at the dog racing track with his mother, Carol and Steven. To take his advice, which was to not worry about my schedule and to just accept it, isn’t that easy right now. It seems my schedule is wrapping around faster. I fell asleep yesterday morning at around 6:30, after peeing twice in a row. I thought I was all peed out, but I got up at 8:30 and 11:30 to pee, too. Then I told myself I’d just go lay down for a little longer. The next time I opened my eyes, though, it was 6 PM. And Tom says my schedule will just happen to fix itself someday? I don’t think so!

I gained a pound after eating just a few bites of pie and a doggie mug after more than 12 hours. This is crazy, but oh well.

I know he doesn’t get to see Carol and Steven too often, but not surprisingly, he’s starting to get busier and more tired and my guess is that it’ll keep on going like that till about 2 or 3 days after I’m mid-cycle. Maybe even longer. Yet he tells me I shouldn’t plan? That I should be spontaneous? And not try to have sex during these times or avoid sex? Well, what do you call what he’s doing? I call it running scared. I call it someone who’ll take a kid if it came, but would prefer not to if he can help it. Not till around March or April, anyway, or after he gets a new job. When the hell that’ll be, I don’t know. It’s not easy for him to get to job interviews cuz he works days.

I still wish I’d been up earlier and I still feel guilty about not going out tonight and to Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving would’ve been boring as all hell, but it would’ve been a wonderful distraction from the daily grind of the same old, same old.

Larry called earlier. It was fun talking with him, as always. I’m glad he called now, cuz if he tried on my birthday, he’d probably miss me. I don’t mind my sister or parents missing me on that day and I’m rather glad that with the way things look, I should be sleeping for most of that day. There are 3 things I don’t know how I’m gonna do, though. How am I gonna get to the dentist? How am I gonna be up and available to call my parents for Chanukah? How am I gonna get together with Andy next week? We have to reschedule Dr. Neilson, though, cuz Tom can’t get off early enough on the 5th.

Andy says there’s a homemade part of my birthday present and a store-bought part.

Also, Andy’s sister in CA is pregnant with twins. That’s the second set of twins in his family. His brother David and his wife have twins.

Well, God doesn’t give everyone only what they can handle, or else no one would kill themselves. Also, people who get murdered obviously couldn’t handle that, or else they’d have survived, but maybe God gives some of us only what we can handle and cuz of my schedule problem, this is exactly why I’ll be forever childless. Why he can’t and won’t help me fix my schedule problem, then give me what I want, beats me. I just can’t see, though, how Tom can be right when he says that having the kid will fix my schedule. How? That seems impossible. Nothing’s ever fixed it yet, so how could anything ever fix it? According to God, I can’t handle a kid and I don’t deserve it, but that doesn’t mean that that rule applies to most people. Most people that can’t handle or that don’t deserve kids - no problem as far as God’s concerned. They can still have kids.

Anyway, Larry beat me to the question of the weather there, so he could hear my laugh he loves so much. Right at the beginning of our conversation, he said it was hard to get home at night with all the snow and ice and I burst out laughing. In truth, though, there’s no snow and it’s about 24° there now. That’s actually pretty warm for them. It was down to 10° there last night and that’s what it should be when we spoke at 10 PM his time.

Sandy and Larry were asleep and Jenny was at the neighbor’s, so I didn’t get to talk to them.

Larry moved his office to West Springfield instead of CT so it'll be a shorter commute.

He says he talks to Tammy every once in a while but tries not to, cuz he says he never knows what disease the family’s gonna have. Yeah, I know exactly what he means.

Get this, though, it fucking figures that he’s allowed to call Mom and Dad once or twice a week like he does, but if I were to call more than once a month, I get crucified for it. It just goes to prove once again how much more Mom and Dad favor Larry and Tammy over me. Guess I have a natural talent for being people’s least favorite. I’m the family’s least favorite, God’s least favorite, and who knows who else’s least favorite.

You could say I’m a bit tired today. Last night I realized I had to set my clock, or else I’d never get to my ear and teeth appointments.

We’re gonna go to the mall after Tom gets home to get the mugs made up. The cool thing about it is that we won’t have to use an old picture. They have a video screen, so you don’t have to worry about them taking a lousy picture. They set you up just right, right there on the spot.

At the end of the week, we’ll be getting Chanukah cards, too. I’ve got to get 4 of them. One for my folks, one for Larry and his family, Tammy and her family and Andy.

Tomorrow night is gonna suck and be incredibly boring. We’ll be at David and Evie’s for a no doubt drooling 4-6 hours.

Tonight, Tom and I are gonna make up a couple of chocolate pudding pies to take over there.

He was too tired for fun last night, cuz Tuesdays are his longest days where he has to get up really early and work long days, but I wonder if he will want fun tonight? It seems to me, that he’d want to hurry up and get some release before it gets “dangerous.”

I hope I’m wrong about the serious doubt I felt when he said my birthday’s gonna be wonderful. It seems like I’ve had only 3 good birthdays and like that day’s cursed. I always have some kind of bad luck, but I’d definitely say that the last one was the worst. He was so mean to me. Maybe the reason it’s not too good of a day and something usually goes wrong that day is cuz I wasn’t supposed to have birthdays in the first place since I was supposed to be miscarried. Anyway, if it isn’t a great day, then I hope it isn’t a bad day.

My birthday and the days right before and right after will be the perfect test to see just how accurate I still am about things I feel so strongly about. Here’s what I see, then we’ll see how right I am, if I am, and I’m just about totally sure I will be. My first guess is that we’ll have sex once on either one of the following dates, which would be somewhere between the 2nd - 6th and he won’t cum. My second guess is that we won’t have sex on any of those dates. Also, I feel that the next two times he gets off will be anywhere from tonight to the 30th or the 1st and then again around the 12th.

I wish I knew I was gonna be so very wrong! I mean, it’s time for me to eat my words again. I’m due for it. I miss that happy feeling I had when I first got here, even though I had my troubles. It was just that feeling of getting something I really wanted and feeling like God really did decide to love me and care about the things I cared about after all. I wish I could feel that again.

There have been a couple of unexpected and nice changes, though. First of all, I still haven’t been woken up for waking those callers up. Also, I haven’t been punished for getting up the nerve to pray to God.

First I told him that I accepted his hatred for me and that he’ll never allow me a child, but to please, please, please, let me be OK with that and let me be able to find some other purpose in life that’s fulfilling enough, without me having to feel all these bad emotions and like I’m forced to settle. Then I told him that that still stands. If he won’t change his mind, like I’ve always felt, I still want to be OK with it, find something else, and be OK with that. However, my first choice really is for him to love me, be fair, and let me have my dream.

I guess you could say that I still do wish I was one of those who could feel his love and that he cares for me and listens to me and will make everything OK and help me help myself towards getting the things I need and want. I don’t want to always feel that God’s cruel, unfair and that he hates me, but as of yet, I haven’t found a reason to feel otherwise.

I still feel quite tired. I probably won’t wake up till nightfall. That’s how it usually works with me. I decided to give the Melatonin another shot. I got up at 8:00 and the bummer of it is, is that I know I’ll be up till 2:00, then I’ll have to get up at 8:00 and have gotten even less sleep. I’m not one of those who can go to bed earlier just cuz I’m tired and didn’t sleep quite enough, otherwise, I’d never have this sleeping schedule problem to begin with. It’s cuz I can’t go to sleep around the same time that keeps my schedule moving around. I’ve tried to keep getting up at the same time, but after having so many nights of 6 hours of sleep, and then 4 hours of sleep, it really gets to me.

Tom gave me the following two suggestions that he feels will help me towards getting the things I want and just life in general. He said to have an open mind and not always assume I know stuff for sure. Also, to not try to place reason on the things that happen. Well, that sure is gonna be hard as hell. That’s like asking me to change something that’s so very much a part of me. I’ll try not to do this as much out loud to him, but journals are for analyzing such thoughts, beliefs, theories and ideas. But does he really believe these suggestions will help me? Or would it better serve himself? In some cases, I can follow this advice. For example, I’ve never tried to ask myself why I like collecting dog/cat mugs. Also, I don’t know for sure if we’ll move or when. I feel that there’s a chance we may move, and then we also may not move. I don’t know. But something like the kid issue, for example, is just too damn obvious for me to even think I could fool myself by saying that I didn’t know if that was possible. It’s just too obvious, what with the same pattern I see, just like I have when it came to other things I wanted really bad. I know it’s not meant to be. It’s just too obvious and for me to say I didn’t know, I’d have to be either sick or in serious denial of the obvious truth. I’d have to be quite naïve, too, and not have a damn clue as to how my life has worked and is supposed to work. I’m not supposed to have the things I want really, really bad. I have kept an open mind, though, to the fact that there could be a few different reasons as to why, too. My first guess is that it is a punishment. The punishment, I can understand, even though I’m not quite sure what it was I was supposed to have done so bad to get punished like this. However, if it’s a protection thing, that baffles me. Why not just give me my dream and make sure it works out and doesn’t kill me or ruin my life in any way if God can do anything and if he doesn’t hate me so much? If he knows something I don’t, like maybe childbirth would kill me or maybe I’d wish for these days back and hate being a mom so much, then can’t he make sure these things don’t happen?

Maybe there’s some whole other reason, that makes total sense, as to why I’m sitting here at home alone dreaming, while throughout every city and town, pregnant teens who dropped out of school are home alone watching all about kids and babies on TV. It’s on just about every channel and commercial. I used to say that if I were pregnant, I’d have to get books on everything from pregnancy to raising it, but not anymore. All I’d have to do is turn the TV on, pick a channel, and all the information I’d need would almost certainly be right there.

Speaking of TVs, Tom did something that makes no sense at all and I hope this wasn’t something he deliberately did, to take advantage of how I say there’s always a problem with reception and things getting recorded. I didn’t have anything recorded on the tape in the VCR that I wanted to see, but he left a message saying that if there was anything on there, sorry, but he accidentally recorded over it. He left at about 7:30 and when I came out of the bedroom just after 8:00, the thing was still recording. This makes no sense. I mean, if he had accidentally hit the record button, why didn’t he turn it off the second he turned it on? Why’d he keep letting it go? Well, I’ll tell him that the next time he thinks I may have something taped, and if he hits the record button, to turn it right off. Don’t just let it keep going and going. Better to lose a few seconds of whatever I may have recorded, not all of it.

Well, Bunny finally figured out how to get out of the cage. When I woke up, she was hanging around in the back room. So far, and miraculously, I haven’t found anything damaged and I hope neither of us ever does. Tom brought some screen in that was in the garage and I laid that across the top of the cage. Then I weighed down the corners with books.

We had fun yesterday, but he didn’t get off. I’m surprised he didn’t, but I’m still just about as sure as I can be that he’ll get off too soon, then too late. There have been times, though, where he did cum at the right time, so, that wouldn’t do us any good. As long as he has fun and as long as I don’t feel inadequate in bed like I used to.

I still really believe that this weighing 102-104 is my compensation for his getting off. It’s a worthy compensation, though. I know God wouldn’t change his mind, but if he did and let us have a kid, imagine what he’d do to me for it. If he didn’t have the kid come out all crippled or something, he’d cripple me.

It’s not a curse. God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. Those that committed suicide should’ve just hung on, cuz better days would’ve come. God doesn’t hate anybody. It’s for a reason. These words of inspiration keep going through my head over and over again. If this were true, then is it really true that God’s denied me a child cuz he’s just looking out for me and trying to protect me from being a bad mother? That doesn’t make sense, though, cuz he could make me be able to handle it and be a good mother. Also, what is it - a case of me not being allowed to be a bad mom if that’s what he thought, while millions of others are allowed to be? God quite obviously has no objections to bad mothers and he does give kids to those who can’t handle it. That’s why their kids end up in foster care or with other relatives.

I’m trying to be more creative with the way I think, but can’t come up with any more than the few theories I already have had for quite a while as to why my life is the way it is. I still can’t see this as anything else but a curse. How can there be a reason? Is it cuz I can’t keep a schedule? Well, if God didn’t hate me, knows how much I want a kid, then why can’t he make me be able to keep a schedule? How can there be a justified reason for his denying me a child and letting teenagers and all kinds of people who don’t deserve kids have them? What about all those people who don’t want kids that do have kids? It still makes no sense to me, other than that it spells out a sure and simple curse to me.

Mary says there’s a reason for kids getting molested/raped and killed.

There is? Now how can there be any logical and just reason for such a thing as that?

Mary also told me that she didn’t do anything to prevent herself from getting pregnant for two years, and then she had a miscarriage. Then two more years went by with unprotected sex before she had another miscarriage, then she needed a hysterectomy. So let me guess - in August of ‘98, I’ll have another spotting incident, then need a hysterectomy myself, right? Well, I wouldn’t mind a hysterectomy, since I can’t use my plumbing the way I’d like to. God may as well take that too, cuz there’s no point in my having to deal with periods. I just wish God and Tom wouldn’t tease me in the midst of what they’re doing. I wish they’d just do what they’re gonna do and that’s it.

Yesterday, Tom and I had fun and he didn’t get off, but he had a lot of pre-cum. I told him he was so juicy that had it been around my birthday and if I were OK, who knows? And then I know I saw this smirk on his face. I wanted to come out and say, “All right. What are you gonna do to me on my birthday, since your last one wasn’t so great and since I made the mistake of telling you that most of my birthdays suck? Are you gonna be too hurt and tired for sex? Or are you gonna think you’re getting my hopes up by wanting to screw, just to end up not getting off?” I guess I can’t stop him from doing whatever it is that he has in mind, can I?

Tom says he believes that negative thinking can hold you back and can produce negative happenings, but I disagree. I think that’s just superstitious and that fate is fate. Remember, there have been plenty of things I thought negatively about that turned out positive and vice versa. I was so sure I’d never get married. I did. I was so sure I’d be a singer. I didn’t.

I looked in the TV Guide but couldn’t find anything about those home courses for computers and stuff like that.

Later...

Andy and Lisa called me today. I also spoke to Tammy earlier and let her know that Ray, Tom’s oldest brother, who’s about 48, is in the hospital. They can’t figure out what’s wrong with him, and apparently, his body’s been doing some really weird things that no doctor has ever seen before. His heart stops beating and he’s bleeding from inside, but they don’t know where. They sent a scope down his throat and up his ass, and they’re still stumped. He may not make it, but time will tell what will happen.

I guess Thanksgiving at David and Evie’s is still on, though. Where we’ll be having Christmas is still unknown at this time, but if I had to guess, I’d say it’ll be at Ma’s.

We finally got our stamps. We got 20 Chanukah stamps and 20 Christmas stamps.

Andy called me and we didn’t chat about much. Just the usual.

Lisa called me collect like I taught her to do, I refused it and called her back.

This was one of our most positive chats. The only thing she mentioned going on is that she’s been having trouble with some classmates, but thinks it’ll work out. I hope it will.

She also says she still wants to be a singer but is really into weather and is thinking she may want to be a meteorologist. She thinks tornadoes are really cool. Me too, I told her, but neither of us would want to encounter one of those face-to-face. She thought it was really far out, as I did, that once again, we had yet another thing in common.

She had asked me about Joe, as I mentioned before, and she asked me if I had any information about him. Truthfully, I don’t know any more than she does. Just that he was Mexican, a cop, played guitar in a band for fun, was abusive, and a liar who was already married when he was with Tammy. Tammy got a call from her.

Andy was supposed to call me back. He had to hang up really quick to run and hide his pot, cuz his landlord showed up. Even if his landlord caught him smoking or smelled it, I’m sure he’ll do nothing about it. I’m sure he knows that the bulk of the population smokes pot and that he can’t stop Andy from living his own life.

We went to the library last night. I picked up another John Saul book I may not have read yet and another one similar to it by someone else. I noticed it was free to send away to be in Saul’s fan club, so I did. You get newsletters and information about upcoming publications.

I suppose I’m never gonna get a damn thing more from Gloria’s club.

Instead of using the period charts I made in one of my previous journals (102 I think), I printed out charts for 1996, even though there’s not much time left for 1996. Also, charts for 1997, 1998 and 1999. I’ll be sure to use up every month of every year! Anyway, till I get bored with it, I’ll write an O for the day my rag comes, an X when he cums, and a + for when I’m mid-cycle. I want to see if I see any particular patterns over the years. I hope not, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I did.

As I was saying about how that TV dinner threw 3 pounds on me; I have such a slow metabolism now. In the past, that never would’ve thrown 3 pounds on me; I’d have stayed the same. There were even times I pigged out and then my weight dropped a pound or 2 afterward. It seems that something like a TV dinner throws 3 pounds on me and something like a bowl of cereal throws on 2 pounds.

Shortly after we arrived at Mom’s on Saturday, Mary came over, cuz we needed her car space to haul in the shower surround. Tom and Mom went to get it and Mary and I stayed at the house.

I was in the living room and Mary was in the computer room and for 20 minutes I thought about talking to her about how she deals with never being able to have a kid. I kept asking myself if I could really trust her as much as I felt I could and if I’d have enough time to get into it. Finally, I broke down and asked her if she could keep a secret. I told her pretty much the whole scoop and was shocked to hear she knew all about what DES was. She was very happy to talk to me and told me that God doesn’t hate anyone (I disagree with that), that she wanted a baby so bad, had two miscarriages, and had a hysterectomy (which I knew, of course), but she’s now OK with the idea that she can’t have a kid. She said there’s a reason for everything, which I believe, too, and it could be anything from that it isn’t time yet and that I may need to give it a couple of years, to that there’s some lost child out there that nobody wants who needs me. She threw the idea of adopting or working with kids at me and said that my record for the prank calls and my childhood, which I told her a little about, wouldn’t have any bearing on my adopting, cuz it happened when I was a child. She says everyone has a destiny (I still don’t know about that), and that maybe God’s guiding me away from what I think is right for me into something else. Yeah, God’s guiding me away from what I want, but I don’t feel like he’s guiding me into anything else. Maybe he really is trying to tell me to adopt and work with others' kids, though. I’ve been wondering about it, as you know. She said it could also be that God’s waiting till I get over how I feel about the issue or till I help others' kids, but not to give up yet. She, too, mentioned something that Tom mentioned, which is to not try so hard.

We talked for about 15 minutes, which really helped me. I do believe I can trust her and I admire her for not being afraid of me cuz of my past. She seems very open and understanding of those with both past and current lives like mine and she even started crying shortly before Tom and Mom returned. I told her I was sorry, cuz I didn’t mean to make her cry, but she said that it was just cuz of the empathy in her and the way she feels for others.

I don’t know if I remembered to mention this, but Robin was telling me too, that Lisa needs me more than I think and of course, the bullshit about my having my own kid, too.

Mary was kind enough to kill cobwebs for me that were on the bench swing out back without laughing her ass off at me. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world if she had laughed, cuz after all, we all have things we’re rather afraid of or creeped out by. She said her family doesn’t laugh at stuff like that and hey, her stepson’s 14 and needs to sleep with the light on. So what?

Tom’s family really is cool and lots of wonderful things really have happened to me over the last few years, as Tom and Mary pointed out to me and Mary said I got 80 more relatives since being out here. Then Mary was telling me how she used to think her family was too normal until she got to know Dave’s family. I told her that her family and mine are like the difference between night and day and that I understood perfectly well. We discussed how this kind of thing makes us not take a lot of things for granted and she also said something about my past troubles making me stronger. Stronger for what, though? To deal with the sterility? Well, I haven’t been doing a very good job of it, have I? I can’t hope for a kid, cuz that’s impossible, but I do hold out the hope that I’ll be OK with not having one, too, and find a possible destiny that I can live with. I still hope to work helping kids, but I don’t know how I’ll manage to keep my schedule going or what I’ll do for transportation, no matter what job I do. Tom says not to try to control or change my feelings and to just live day by day, but I still hope I’ll be able to be OK with not having the kid (even though he’s sure we’ll have one), do something productive in life that won’t be a settlement, and not get hit with a new thing I want so bad that I can’t have, or deal with or accept for so many years.

Tom said he saw something about home classes for computer stuff for him and private investigating for me and that he might check into it. Yeah, but is this just another thing he says he’ll do, or will he really? He says, though, I don’t need a car and a gun to do this and that there are different kinds of investigators and that I can choose my own cases. This sounds interesting.

I just hope that Mary will keep my secret. I told her that Tom feels the opposite of how I do, so that’s why he may not be too pleased with my discussing it with her.

Tom was right about hearing stereo bass way more often at Ma’s place. I must’ve heard it 10 times while I was there. It’s soooo obnoxious.

Ma had some carrots someone gave her that she gave us for Piggy and Bunny, but we forgot it. He’s over there now, so hopefully he’ll take it home with him. He’ll also be getting groceries, checking into making the mugs up, and something to deodorize their cage here, cuz it stinks like hell with that rabbit.

Later...

I left Andy a message. I have no idea what he’s been up to these days. I told him we could probably chat tomorrow before he goes to work. I asked him if he ditched the message from that line or if he’s been listening to them and calling them at all. I told him I’ve been helping Lisa out and that we worked at Ma’s house yesterday, so I’ve been a bit busy.

I have to get working on his journal.

I started a letter to my parents, but that probably won’t go out till after the New Year or right before. I wish these stamps would hurry up and arrive. We need to get the bills out and I’ve got letters ready to go to Kim, Lisa, Becky and Sarah. After the holidays, it’ll be time to send a letter off to Larry. I wonder why I haven’t heard from him. Is he that busy? I guess so. This is what they always tell me. He’ll probably call me on my birthday.

I wonder what my parents will be sending for my birthday and for us for Chanukah and Christmas? My guess is that they’ll send money for my birthday and a package of stuff for us for Chanukah and Christmas. That seems to be how they usually do it.

I have tons to write about, so I’d better get started and hope I can remember everything. Let me start with the latest news, then I’ll back up to yesterday’s day at Ma’s.

When I got in yesterday, I was dog-tired, so I didn’t check for messages. When I got up at 6:00 this morning, though, there was a message left yesterday afternoon from Lisa. I could’ve kicked myself once again.

So, at just before 7:00 this morning, the phone rang. I thought it was Andy, but it was Lisa. I was so glad she called, cuz it was the perfect timing and I was worried about how I was gonna get word to her to let her know I missed her call but got her message. So, I let her know that there may be times I may not be able to get back to her right away and not to think I forgot about her or stopped caring.

After we were talking for about 20 minutes, I told her that this was gonna be on their bill and asked her if she’d ever seen a phone bill. No, she said, and she didn’t know how it worked. The funny thing about it was when she asked me if it’d say that she called. I said, no, but it’ll say that this number was called at this date and time. That worried Lisa, so I told her that if she was questioned about it, and she might not be, she could just say she was calling to talk about music or Spanish or something like that. So, I taught her how to make a collect call and told her that I’d refuse it and that’d be my signal to call her back, so it’ll never show up on their bill. We ran through the steps, so she could see how simple it was to do. Also, I told her that I’ve told Tammy in the past that she, Lisa or anyone from that household can always call us anytime, and they can call collect if they need to.

One of the first things Lisa told me, which was nice to hear, was that her parents have been nicer to her. She says it’s still hard for her to study cuz she has to do a lot of chores, which includes doing Becky and Sarah’s drawers. She says she doesn’t get enough sleep, so she’s cranky. She says her mom bitches at her for taking so long to do her chores but says that that’s cuz Tammy wants it done perfectly. Yeah, you could say Tammy would be pretty picky about stuff like that.

Anyway, she told me that this girl Stacey, whom she’s had problems with for quite a while, was making fun of her for having kidney infections and that Stacey didn’t believe she had really been sick. I asked her if she told her mom and she said she did and that her mother was angry about it. She says she doesn’t know if her ma’s gonna talk to Stacey or Stacey’s mother, but that she intends to do something.

I also let Lisa know that should her mom and I end up not talking for whatever reason it’s got nothing to do with her and that she’s still welcome to call me anytime, and that goes for the others, too.

Then she went on to say that she felt she could trust me and asked if I’d be mad if she asked me a few things. Of course not, I told her. So she told me she was up in the attic and found pictures of Tammy and Joe. Joe’s her real dad back in Texas. I don’t know why Tammy would have pictures of him around, since she hates him, but anyway, Lisa told me that she, too, is angry at Joe for what he did, doesn’t want him to be her father, but is simply curious about him. There’s nothing wrong with that, I told her. She says that her mother isn’t too happy about it and said something really mean to Lisa like, “You’re gonna be another Joe D and if you want to know about him so bad, I’ll kick your ass right down to Texas with him.”

I can’t believe Tammy would say something so mean and cruel, but I told Lisa that her bringing him up probably brought back bad memories for Tammy and that I’m sure she didn’t mean anything mean by what she said. So, I told her, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to know about him, but that she should wait till she’s of age, then find out what she can about him and keep it a secret. She said that’s what her social worker told her to do. The one that’s a social worker at her school that lives near her.

Lisa told me that my mom and my dad bitched her out and screamed at her like never before for wanting information about him and that Lisa just couldn’t defend herself and explain her feelings to them and have them understand her. That’s a really mean and raunchy thing for my parents to do, but of course, I didn’t tell her what I really think of them or what Tammy said, cuz the last thing I want to do is put more walls up between her and other family members. There are already enough walls and Tom pointed this out, too.

On the other hand, as far as Joe goes, since Lisa’s never been pregnant while under the abuse of a lying guy who was already secretly married, it’s hard for Lisa to know the pain Tammy went through.

Lisa told me she was pretty mad when she was in Florida having to listen to Tammy, my folks and Marty and Ruth gang up on me and not only am I never gonna forget how my folks dumped our problems on Tammy, but I can’t believe they had the nerve to do this in front of Lisa. Can’t anyone go to the source of their problem, rather than discuss it with a million other people? Still, I have no desire to be buddy-buddy with my folks or Tammy or even see them again. I think what they did was wrong, deceptive, ignorant and wimpy and I’ll never fully trust them again. Just cuz two people created and gave birth to me doesn’t give them an excuse to do the things they’ve done and these people just aren’t my type and I just don’t want to associate with them any more than needed. Not that there’s a need, either, but when Lisa asked me about my relationship with Tammy and my folks, I simply told her that they’ve been a wonderful help to me financially and with getting me out here, but we don’t see eye to eye very often.

Lisa said, “But it made me mad and I was like - leave her alone - when I was listening to all this.” I told her I knew all about it and that I was mad, too, but you can’t make people talk about certain things or not talk about certain things. She also tells me that ever since then, Tammy and my parents have been the best of friends.

Yeah, I’m sure they have been. They can have each other!

Then she told me that she and her ma were sitting somewhere one time when Tammy noticed that in a notebook or something, Lisa wrote about feeling suicidal. Tammy’s look then turned to that of sheer worry and told her that her aunt tried to commit suicide. Lisa tried asking about it, but Tammy just told her I’d had a lot of problems. So Lisa asked me if I’d tell her about it and I did. I told her I took some pills at around her age and that I jumped when I was 17 and that she better not even think about it, cuz it’s not worth it, she’ll more than likely only botch it up, and that broken arm I got really hurt. So, she promised me she wouldn’t commit suicide and I promised her I wouldn’t either. I also told her that we all have our bad times and that just the other day I said to her Uncle Tom how I felt like I ought to just drop dead. Then he told me I promised to be with him forever and that I made a promise to be there for her. Lisa said she was glad I didn’t die and I said I was too, or else I’d never have known Lisa, got to Arizona, and met Tom.

I told Lisa that if she can’t keep a journal and have that be private, she should write down notes as to all that’s been going on and send them to me once she gets a few pages done. Also, do not write ‘Dear Aunt Jodi’ or ‘Dear Whoever’ on it so no one will see it, and we can talk about whatever she wrote when we get the chance to over the phone. I think that’d be better than me sending a letter somewhere.

She also says she wants to get out here so bad, whether it’s next summer or the one after that. So I told her that even if she can’t make it out here till she’s of age, better later than never and I reminded her how I never thought I’d get out here and how I was 26 when I did.

Then she told me how she likes to dress like I do and how she doesn’t prefer the conservative style. She said her mother told her that if she wanted to dress like Aunt Jodi (that part made me laugh), she’d have to wait till she was older.

I told Tom that once again, it looks like my destiny is to help kids and he said that it could be a small part, leading up to my destiny. I wish I could know he was right on that one, but still, I don’t think this is a small thing for Lisa to know I’m there for her and it surely is a big thing for me to see her happier after our chats.

Later...

I can’t believe how quiet it is for a Sunday afternoon around here. I haven’t heard next door or the kids and dogs two yards down. Not even anything off in the distance. At Ma’s place, though, it’s really rocking. There are tons of kids all around her and they’re out all day long and even all night long.

After returning from Ma’s place yesterday, this house seemed so much bigger. It always seems so much bigger after returning from her place. Her place is even smaller than the apartment I had on Woodside Terr. That was the second-biggest apartment I had.

Well, I got all the laundry done and the dishes. I tidied up in here too, so now I can write some more.

Tom asked me if I had time for a quickie this morning. I didn’t think he was up to that, I said, and he said he was always up to that. Well, we’ll see cuz I told him I had a feeling that quitting this job meant going back to having occasional sex. He said no it won’t, but that I may try to make it into that. I don’t think so. I told him we can have sex anytime he wants to.

I’m still not sure if it’d be the right thing to do as far as having sex during the 2nd and 6th, but I think Tom will decide that for me when he’s tired or hurt. A part of me wants to, but I know he wouldn’t cum. A part of me wishes he would cum more often during the right times cuz I really want to get on with that final step and a part of me says, no, don’t do it, show God you’re ready and willing to go along with him. Maybe I’ll leave it up to God and Tom. That’s all I really can do since I can’t make Tom do it at those times and do it and get off. This is up to him and God and if it wasn’t, it’s still out of my control.

Anyway, I think he may’ve been able to cum this morning (I am right after my rag), but then he had to stop cuz he had to get in the shower and to his ma’s place to take her to church. Once again, I wish other people’s needs wouldn’t come in between our needs and wants, but they do and I’m sure they always will. Helping others is great and the idea of it really appeals to me more and more, but I guess I still wish that Tom could do more for himself, I could do more for myself and we could do more for ourselves, but that ain’t meant to be.

I just don’t really like it when Tom talks about having more sex, cumming more often, any more than I do when he goes on and on about the kid, cuz I feel he’s kidding us both and just telling me what I want to hear. However, if this is what he believes and wants to say, it’s his right to do so. He still swears there’s nothing wrong with me and that there’ll never ever come a time when he’s gonna tell me he agrees with me about being sterile. What’s he gonna do then - make sure we never hit it right for sure?

Anyway, yesterday at Ma’s went to show how smart Tom is. He can do anything. What we really had to do with the shower was put in a shower surround. The walls were getting water-damaged, so we cut the pieces and I helped by using a caulking gun to put adhesive on the plastic pieces. It’s called liquid nails. Then he used caulking on the seams.

Ma paid him and gave me $10, but I gave it to Tom, figuring it would be needed for bills and food.

Ma really loves to do those word find puzzles and I gave her some more puzzles that I don’t want, as I’m a bit picky about the puzzles I do. It’s a great thing for her too, cuz what else can an old lady living alone do with her time? She is picking up again on her sewing now that she’s had her hands operated on, so that’s nice. I think a great Christmas gift for her, though, would be a variety of different puzzle books. She also likes crosswords. Yuck.

Ma was taking care of a little dog who was quite cute and friendly but stunk like hell. The dog belongs to some old lady that used to live on her street and I guess she already came and picked it up.

I was psyched to have weighed 101 earlier, but as I knew I would, I went right back to 104 after eating a lousy TV dinner.

Tom’s gonna be getting up anytime now. Meanwhile, I thought I’d write a little.

I’m still pretty confused about what’s going on with us sexually. I feel, once again, like he’s punishing me. Why can’t Tom just be normal in bed? Why can’t he desire it as much as a normal male is supposed to? It’s been nearly a week since we’ve had sex and since we’ve agreed to do it whenever so I guess that’s gonna mean having it only a few times a month. I guess it’ll be easier for me to deal with cuz having sex every day was even a bit too much for me. Also, I know that whether or not we have sex often, and whether he comes once a month or every day of the month, there’s no kid in our destiny.

I wasn’t too happy with him when I found out that he only did the job cuz he thought it’d help me with the feelings that I had about us not doing enough. I thought he also did the job cuz he wanted to and cuz he thought that’d help us make the kid, as well as cuz he wanted fun more often. So, now that I find out that he really never did think that’d help us and that he did it for me only, well, I feel that’s a bit deceptive. I still really believe that he’s not ready for a kid now and I just wish he’d come out and say so instead of jerking me around and contradicting himself.

He says the way to have a kid is by living life day to day and having sex spontaneously. I still don’t know what he means by “living life day to day.” He says he can’t think of the proper words to describe what he means but will try to think of something. Also, how would spontaneous sex give us a kid, even if I were fertile when all he’s gonna do is cum two times a month?

He still says he’s gonna get off more often. I asked him if he thought he was overestimating his abilities due to his age and how often he’s tired and he said he doesn’t think so. Well, I know so. I also know that that’s not what he wants to do. Not now, anyway, and I wish he’d just say so. What would be the big deal with his saying he doesn’t want a kid now and why? Why does he have to play these games and change his story as to why he or both of us are going to do whatever? Does he enjoy it, or what?

I seriously wish with all my heart that I could find someone with a million dollars to spare and bet that million dollars that he’ll never cum in the right time frame. Especially next month. Do you know how rich we’d be? I could get us filthy rich easily. I know without a doubt in my mind that he won’t cum during the right time frame.

He tells me there’s no way of pinpointing exactly when I’m ovulating. No, but we have a damn good idea of when that’s much more likely, so knowing this, why doesn’t he do whatever he can to get off then? Well, I really believe the answer is that he’s still not quite ready. He does like to tease me with the issue and wants to and will try to for a while longer and is trying to instill patience in me. I think he really gets off on the thought of seeing Evie have hers and watching me get all jealous. Well, I won’t be giving him that satisfaction. I can promise that.

I’m just so sick of all his ideas, stories, contradictions, and excuses. I just want to get on with my life. I know I can’t have a child no matter what, but I still wish he wouldn’t do this shit. He should’ve been honest about the job up front. If he really knew or didn’t believe that’d help us, he should’ve said so.

I know, though, that there’s not a chance in hell he’ll cum between December 2nd and 6th, but I wish he would, so we can get to the final step. I think deep down, he’s got to be wondering if there is any truth to my sterility beliefs, cuz he seems almost afraid to find out that I’m right. Maybe he fears I’ll leave him. Maybe he just doesn’t want to have to deal with it with me. It’s like he’s in denial about it or something. It’s like the more I point out signs saying I’m sterile, the more he argues that fact. If he were to get off every day and see that I can’t get pregnant, is he still gonna deny it and say I’m OK and that we haven’t hit it right yet? I wouldn’t put it past him.

I called Tammy yesterday and she was in the process of bitching Lisa out for not studying her Spanish, so I came up with an idea that’ll hopefully give Lisa the drive to help herself and study more. If Tom’s right about her seeing me as her role model and trying to be like me, then maybe this will work. I sent her a letter with some Spanish sentences and asked her to be able to interpret them the next time I called. Hopefully, it’ll make her study harder, so she can impress me by being able to interpret them and so she and I can chat in Spanish more often.

I also typed letters for Becky and Sarah.

Once again, my period was pretty damn light and I’m still all watery and bloated and weigh 102-104. I look just like I’m about to get my period.

Even though I’m about 8 pounds overweight, Tom and I “spontaneously” decided to get some ice cream last night. It was my idea and agreed with it right away.

Today we’re going to his ma’s house to work on her shower stall. I guess it’s leaking really bad.

After that, we’re gonna go and check into getting mugs made up with our pictures on them for Tammy, Bill and my folks for Chanukah. We’ll send Lisa, Becky and Sarah 5 bucks each and I’ll just send a card to Larry and his family and one for Andy, too. I’ll send Tammy and Bill’s and my folk’s cards separately, I guess.

Tom made a screen saver of Piggy which looks really cool.

Yesterday, I was standing at the front door, and out of the corner of my eye I saw Mike getting into his jeep. I don’t know if he saw me, but he left without a sound. He didn’t put the music on till he was a few houses away and it was very, very soft.

I haven’t been feeling too good these last couple of days. I’m feeling more and more like I wish I could just drop dead. I just don’t have the guts to act on this idea due to what happened when I jumped. I’m afraid that I’ll just botch it up somehow and get another broken arm or worse.

I really, really believe with all my heart that I’ve done my time here. There’s nothing more I can do. I feel that if I were dead, I’d be the dreamless, goalless person I always wished I could be. No more would I feel so sad, angry, frustrated, or incomplete. I can’t help myself and no one else can help me. I feel that if I were dead I’d also be saving a lot of people a lot of time, hassles, and money. If I live, I’m just gonna feel these emotions almost every day and be nothing but a burden and an expense to Tom. If I live, though, I’d just be fulfilling my destiny - taking up space on this earth. Maybe not, though, cuz this thing with Lisa really got me thinking.

Yesterday Lisa left me a message while she was alone at home with a UT infection at 7:30 our time. I could’ve kicked myself for ignoring the phone like I did, cuz it didn’t seem to ring long enough for someone to leave a message. I figured she was alone when she called and I didn’t get to call her back till around 2:00 our time. I figured by then she wouldn’t be alone and she wasn’t.

I asked her if everything was OK and she said no. She couldn’t really talk to me then cuz both Tammy and Bill were around. I told her she could tell Tammy I just had to call her about music and she and I talked about things like that and other stuff that wouldn’t cause suspicions about why I was calling. She mentioned something about writing me a letter about all that’s been going on and having me send back a response to it by sending it to some friend’s house. She said to give her a couple of days to think about who she can trust. She better be able to trust whoever she chooses cuz the last thing I want is to make more trouble for her or her family. I told her that if I sent a letter somewhere, to rip it up after. She said she would.

She can’t write in a journal, she says, cuz Tammy reads it. Yeah, I believe that. She was always trying to and asking to read mine. I’m sure she got her reading pleasure when she was packing my shit at the NHA. Maybe even Dad did too, but I don’t know.

She was home sick that day and she said she thought the infection was her fault. I told her that that’s not so and that those kinds of infections are common.

On her own, without my bringing up the subject first, she was telling me all about how she’s working on growing her hair and that it’s now just past her shoulders.

We also threw some Spanish at each other and she told me it was cold there and that they did get snow.

It is amazing how much of the old and current me I see in her. We really are a lot alike. She said even Tammy told her so, but I don’t think that Tammy necessarily meant that as a compliment. The funny thing about it is that Lisa now thinks we even look alike. She said something about having pictures of me in her room and someone asking if it was her and she told them it was me. Ha! Sorry, but we don’t look alike.

Just like I did at her age, she was telling me how much she hates it there and wants to live where the weather’s warmer. I still really believe she’s gonna end up out here someday and she, too, wishes she could come out here for the summer. She doesn’t think Tammy will go for it any more than I do, cuz Tammy will probably think she’s too young for that, as well as that I’m some incompetent fool who couldn’t deal with Lisa. I still think Lisa wouldn’t give me the kind of hard time she gives her mother and teachers.

I told Lisa that all she could really do was just do her best in school, get through school, and then do whatever she could to get out here and maybe her parents would help. I also reminded her that I never thought I’d get out here and I did. I told her that, of course, she’d have to get a job and a place to live, but it could be done. I suggested that she might think about telling her mom that if she did well in school and showed her that, then maybe her mom would let her come out here. Maybe they could make some kind of agreement as far as that goes.

Lisa really wants me to go to her, but I explained to her that it was a question of time and money, as well as the fact that New England holds a lot of bad memories for me and that I wouldn’t be too surprised if I never went back there. I just didn’t want to lead her on about that.

By the end of the conversation, I had her much more cheerful, which was nice to know. She and I really miss each other, and I’d say I definitely miss her, my brother and his family, and Kim the most. Whereas the idea of seeing my parents and Tammy really makes me uncomfortable.

We talked for nearly half an hour, so I’m not sure if I’ve forgotten to mention anything else we may have discussed, but if I remember anything else, I’ll add it.

Meanwhile, after telling Tom this morning, why I felt like it was time for me to go, he mentioned my promise to him which was to stay with him forever. Also, I don’t see how, but he says it’d affect both our families in a pretty bad way if I were to kill myself and that I promised Lisa I’d be there for her.

This is when Tom told me that I was Lisa’s role model. He says it’s probably mostly a subconscious thing with her, but that she is trying to take after me in a lot of ways, and he reminded me of how much alike we are. He said that if I killed myself, there’d be a good chance she would, too.

I had no idea, once again, and just like when I left there, how much I apparently meant to Lisa. I would guess that I’m the person she trusts just about the most and it does look like she not only is just like me but is trying to be, too.

Then something hit me. Maybe I do have a purpose here. Yes, I was right all these years, I’m not meant to have a kid of my own, but maybe I’m meant to help other kids like Lisa.

I still truly believe that yes, God does hate me, I had to have done something very wrong in his eyes that’s way worse than a mass murderer, but what that is, I don’t know yet. At the same time, maybe he’s not just trying to punish me. Maybe the reason why he’s been “throwing kids in my face” and sending me all these “kid signs” is cuz I’m supposed to be living for other people’s kids. It always seemed that way, anyway. How do I feel about that? Well, I guess I have mixed emotions. I still feel controlled and gypped and the bulk of my life has been catering to others, being controlled by them, and not really able to do for myself. However, it is a great feeling to help others and there’s nothing wrong with it, so maybe I should look at a life of catering to others, especially other people’s kids. Maybe God’s been trying to tell me all along that this is what I’m supposed to be doing.

So, I’m kind of on a new mission here. I went from wishing I was dead, to wondering if I should pray to God to curse me in some other way in exchange for a kid, to wondering if I should pray for my periods (cuz I know that’s a prayer that’ll always be answered and that’d be the only way I could maybe feel loved by him), to wondering if I should pray for him to help get me through these bad feelings and get over them. It’s time to move on. So, I accept God’s hatred and that this is never gonna change. Neither is my destiny and a kid of my own isn’t in it. So, my mission is these two things: to prove to Tom, God, and mostly myself that I can get over never having a child, I can get on with life, and not always have these bad emotions and hard feelings about it. Also, to see what I can do about working with kids. Tom told me that it’d be best for me to wait till the first of the year to work, cuz he’s gonna be working a lot of overtime till then, and that way it’d be easier to get me to appointments.

I really, really do want to “be good by God,” so to speak, do what’s right, forget about a kid of my own and just be able to deal with it and accept it and help other’s kids. It really is a good feeling to see the difference I’ve made in Lisa’s life. Even she said she was glad she had someone who cared about her.

There are so many kids out there who could use my help and I think God would be really proud of me if I even avoided sex during the more likely time frames of conception, even though I’m sterile. It’s just the principle of the point, though. I think that if he sees me stop resisting his plans for me and just go along with them like a good girl, I’ll be much happier in the end.

Tom keeps telling me I am normal and don’t need medication. Well, I don’t feel so normal, but I think I’ll feel a lot better if I stop trying to fight God in my mind and just go with his flow for me and patterns. In other words, if something else were to come along tomorrow that I want just as bad, I’m gonna know I’ll never be allowed to have it, try my damnedest to accept it and not resist it. In fact, I’ll try to make myself walk away from it, just like I’m gonna try my hardest to “walk away” from having a kid, even though there’s nothing to literally walk away from.

I’ve just got to tell myself, hey, God doesn’t think I deserve a kid, therefore, I should try to “listen” to that, understand it, and do what’s right and possible in God’s eyes.

I think that the less I try to fight God, either in my mind or by my actions, the happier I’ll be.

Of course, Tom still feels the opposite. He’s still sure I’m OK and that we’ll have a kid. Maybe another reason why he’s afraid to let this appear too obvious is cuz he’s afraid I’d leave him. That’s bullshit, though. I’m not gonna leave him just cuz we can’t have a kid. I still feel, though, from what I’ve seen and sensed that our not having a kid won’t be any loss to Tom. I think he can live just fine without it. He’s never seemed to be the type to want that nearly as bad as me and I’m sure he could take a kid or leave a kid. I don’t think it matters to him either way, at this time.

I still hope that someday, I’ll know why God hates me so much. Was it cuz I jumped out the window? Was it cuz of the prank phone calls? Is it something my ancestors did? Could God really hate gays? But he’s let other gays and bisexuals have kids, so was it cuz they just didn’t want it as bad as me, or what? Maybe I did live a life before this, did something so terribly wrong in that life, and am paying for it here. Whatever it was I did wrong, it had to really, really bad.

My life hasn’t been the worst, but most of it’s been bad enough and I surely would never want to relive it. For God to allow me to have gone through what I went through as a kid and to have gone through so much abuse, bad emotions, physical shit, live in places I’ve lived, been so broke and hungry, not even help me, or allow me to help myself ever or for years - that takes a lot of hate.

And Ma says she felt guilty about my ear till I was around 10? Well, something Tom said made me feel a bit guilty about it. It’s not Tom’s fault, though, but he says Tammy’s always been jealous of me and always will be. This is supposed to have stemmed from all the attention I was supposed to have gotten when I was really little. If I had just been normal, though, then maybe poor Tammy wouldn’t have to feel the way she did or still does. And that goes for my mom, too.

Yesterday Tom had me really confused. He said that he thought it’d be best to just deal with day-to-day life, get through the holidays and not plan anything till the New Year. He said that then he’ll go along with whatever I plan and he’ll stick to it. So I said to him, “Well, you must believe me somewhat, or else why would you talk about me planning.” 

Then he said something about that if he could get me to calm down till then, I’ll see that there’s nothing to plan. Oh, there’s nothing to plan, alright. Not in the way he’s thinking about it. See, he thinks that if we just live life day to day and don’t plan anything, a kid will result naturally from that. But I do live my life day to day. So, I asked him if living my life day to day meant shut up about the kid and not be upset about it in his book and he said no. Well, I do live day to day. I’m alive, aren’t I? And I don’t see how not planning for a kid will help us, any more than planning would. I mean, the extra sex was lots of fun, but a kid isn’t meant to be, no matter what we think, do, say, plan, don’t plan, or what our attitudes are. If a kid was going to happen “naturally” it would’ve already happened.

Later...

Just got a letter from Kim, who says not to give up on getting pregnant, cuz it usually takes several months. Yeah, it usually takes 1-4 months and we’re going on month 6, so that tells me something.

Anyway, my new year’s plan will be what my only choice can be for it to be and that’s to keep on getting through not having a kid of our own, get on with life, help other kids and that’s it.

I want to return to having sex for just fun only. I hope, though, that this doesn’t mean that sex will be 2-4 times a month, though, but I know how much Tom likes spontaneity and I don’t like the idea of him doing the job just for me. I mean, that’s sweet of him to think of ways to make me feel better, but I don’t want him to plan if he doesn’t want to plan. He told me he feels pressured and that he feels bad if I get one more period. Well, I’m gonna be getting a hell of a lot more than one more period, I don’t want to pressure him and I know he couldn’t get off during the time frame, sterile or not. I really don’t think he’s that ready for a kid now, even if we could have one. If he wants to be tired or hurt during that time frame, whether it’s legit or not, let that be the case then. I’m sure it’ll be no problem, but I’ll even try to see that we don’t screw during those times for two reasons. I think it’d make Tom more comfortable if we didn’t. And I also think it’d please God to see me going along with him and not trying to resist him.

Tom was telling me that these loud bassy stereos are a new technology that didn’t exist a couple of years ago, it’s everywhere, I’ll always hear it, and even Stevie hears it in Paradise Valley. Yeah, and I’m sure this so-called new extra bassy technology is completely male-made, based on people’s obsession to be heard. I’m surprised this is legal. After all, it seems it’d be a dangerous thing, cuz then how can these people hear sirens over it?