Tom’s gonna be getting up anytime now. Meanwhile, I thought I’d write a little.

I’m still pretty confused about what’s going on with us sexually. I feel, once again, like he’s punishing me. Why can’t Tom just be normal in bed? Why can’t he desire it as much as a normal male is supposed to? It’s been nearly a week since we’ve had sex and since we’ve agreed to do it whenever so I guess that’s gonna mean having it only a few times a month. I guess it’ll be easier for me to deal with cuz having sex every day was even a bit too much for me. Also, I know that whether or not we have sex often, and whether he comes once a month or every day of the month, there’s no kid in our destiny.

I wasn’t too happy with him when I found out that he only did the job cuz he thought it’d help me with the feelings that I had about us not doing enough. I thought he also did the job cuz he wanted to and cuz he thought that’d help us make the kid, as well as cuz he wanted fun more often. So, now that I find out that he really never did think that’d help us and that he did it for me only, well, I feel that’s a bit deceptive. I still really believe that he’s not ready for a kid now and I just wish he’d come out and say so instead of jerking me around and contradicting himself.

He says the way to have a kid is by living life day to day and having sex spontaneously. I still don’t know what he means by “living life day to day.” He says he can’t think of the proper words to describe what he means but will try to think of something. Also, how would spontaneous sex give us a kid, even if I were fertile when all he’s gonna do is cum two times a month?

He still says he’s gonna get off more often. I asked him if he thought he was overestimating his abilities due to his age and how often he’s tired and he said he doesn’t think so. Well, I know so. I also know that that’s not what he wants to do. Not now, anyway, and I wish he’d just say so. What would be the big deal with his saying he doesn’t want a kid now and why? Why does he have to play these games and change his story as to why he or both of us are going to do whatever? Does he enjoy it, or what?

I seriously wish with all my heart that I could find someone with a million dollars to spare and bet that million dollars that he’ll never cum in the right time frame. Especially next month. Do you know how rich we’d be? I could get us filthy rich easily. I know without a doubt in my mind that he won’t cum during the right time frame.

He tells me there’s no way of pinpointing exactly when I’m ovulating. No, but we have a damn good idea of when that’s much more likely, so knowing this, why doesn’t he do whatever he can to get off then? Well, I really believe the answer is that he’s still not quite ready. He does like to tease me with the issue and wants to and will try to for a while longer and is trying to instill patience in me. I think he really gets off on the thought of seeing Evie have hers and watching me get all jealous. Well, I won’t be giving him that satisfaction. I can promise that.

I’m just so sick of all his ideas, stories, contradictions, and excuses. I just want to get on with my life. I know I can’t have a child no matter what, but I still wish he wouldn’t do this shit. He should’ve been honest about the job up front. If he really knew or didn’t believe that’d help us, he should’ve said so.

I know, though, that there’s not a chance in hell he’ll cum between December 2nd and 6th, but I wish he would, so we can get to the final step. I think deep down, he’s got to be wondering if there is any truth to my sterility beliefs, cuz he seems almost afraid to find out that I’m right. Maybe he fears I’ll leave him. Maybe he just doesn’t want to have to deal with it with me. It’s like he’s in denial about it or something. It’s like the more I point out signs saying I’m sterile, the more he argues that fact. If he were to get off every day and see that I can’t get pregnant, is he still gonna deny it and say I’m OK and that we haven’t hit it right yet? I wouldn’t put it past him.

I called Tammy yesterday and she was in the process of bitching Lisa out for not studying her Spanish, so I came up with an idea that’ll hopefully give Lisa the drive to help herself and study more. If Tom’s right about her seeing me as her role model and trying to be like me, then maybe this will work. I sent her a letter with some Spanish sentences and asked her to be able to interpret them the next time I called. Hopefully, it’ll make her study harder, so she can impress me by being able to interpret them and so she and I can chat in Spanish more often.

I also typed letters for Becky and Sarah.

Once again, my period was pretty damn light and I’m still all watery and bloated and weigh 102-104. I look just like I’m about to get my period.

Even though I’m about 8 pounds overweight, Tom and I “spontaneously” decided to get some ice cream last night. It was my idea and agreed with it right away.

Today we’re going to his ma’s house to work on her shower stall. I guess it’s leaking really bad.

After that, we’re gonna go and check into getting mugs made up with our pictures on them for Tammy, Bill and my folks for Chanukah. We’ll send Lisa, Becky and Sarah 5 bucks each and I’ll just send a card to Larry and his family and one for Andy, too. I’ll send Tammy and Bill’s and my folk’s cards separately, I guess.

Tom made a screen saver of Piggy which looks really cool.

Yesterday, I was standing at the front door, and out of the corner of my eye I saw Mike getting into his jeep. I don’t know if he saw me, but he left without a sound. He didn’t put the music on till he was a few houses away and it was very, very soft.