I have to get Tom up in 20 minutes. Once again, I guess he really doesn’t mind being tired, since he’s still staying up later and only getting 6-7 hours of sleep.

He left me a message saying he’s seen that van next door when it was vacant over there. That’s true. I remember seeing it too, so who knows what it could be?

I was amazed at the accuracy of yesterday’s horoscope from AOL. I had the emotional tension, the headache, and the upset stomach they mentioned. They were wrong about having lots of guests over for today, though, of course. It seems they give horoscopes a week at a time. I hope they’re wrong about this Saturday when they tell me to be more tolerant of children. I hope this doesn’t mean there’s gonna be kids next door this weekend playing ball. So far, it seems that they’re accurate on the negative stuff they predict, but not the positive.

I wonder if Tom will initiate sex this morning or if he really does want to give up this job for himself or for me, sensing that I think it’s a waste of time that causes problems, anyway? Well, I’m semi-horny, so either way is OK, but if he doesn’t hit me for sex, I guess I can take that as a sign that he, too, quit the job. So, I guess you could say this means that I hope he doesn’t touch me.

I just don’t want any trouble. And I want to start fresh in life with no dreams and no goals. It’s so much easier to have less than you really want to have or to do. For some people, life is what they make it. For me, life is what God makes it and I have to accept that and live with it if I want to be happier.

Later...

Tom did exactly what I figured he’d do. He told me this morning he wanted to take a day off from our job. Of course, I know that means more like a week. I’ll bet you he won’t start up sex again till I get out of the time frame where it’s more likely to conceive. Like when I’m a week away from my period. And yes, I can’t help but feel and believe that he’s punishing me.

This morning he told me he has choices (about a kid). If he has choices, then why haven’t we had a kid? He also told me that someday I’ll see that this sadness and my being upset and angry and having all these bad emotions will be unfounded and that I’ll be happy and life will be full of wonderful things. If this is true, I can’t wait! I hate feeling this way and I certainly wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. I’m sick of feeling this way. This still seems too good to be true, as much as I wish it could be. It sounds too much like a fantasy, but maybe, just maybe, someday sooner than I think, I won’t feel the way I do about not having a kid and can be happy with the way things are, but I feel that I’ll be where I knew I’d be a year ago and that is right where I am now. The only thing I was wrong about was his cumming. In a year from now, I think he’ll still be cumming about 2-3 times a month, we may have some more household gadgets and items, but that’s it. I’ll be doing the same things I’m doing now and no more or less of them.

If he’s right, though, what are all the wonderful things gonna be that we’re gonna be doing and why would they make me so happy? What could be so wonderful? More wonderful than a child? What could I want more than a child? If he’s right, I’d say that the only reason I’d suddenly be so happy is cuz I stopped wanting a kid and found something just as good, if not better, that God finally gave in to and allowed me to have.

Well, like I told Tom. At least I do have some blessings and no day could be as bad as it was in the past.

He also told me that, not with all women, but with me, my emotional state plays a role in me physically. So, we know I didn’t get pregnant on the 3rd, but for different reasons. I know I’m not cuz it wasn’t meant to be. He knows I’m not cuz my emotional state wasn’t good, and he says that it’s always been that way for me that when I’m emotionally upset, it disrupts my body’s natural functions. You mean all I have to do to get a kid is get happy? I don’t think so. Fate is fate and we kind of disagree on what the word fate means. I believe fate means what’s meant to be and what isn’t meant to be and that sometimes we know our fate and sometimes we don’t. He believes the first part of it, that fate is what is and what isn’t meant to be, but that no one can know what’s meant to be and not meant to be in the future. That’s the part we disagree on. I don’t know where it’s meant to be for us to live whenever we move, but I know it’s not meant to be for us to have a kid.

I believe that if a kid is really that meant to be for a woman, she could use any kind of birth control and God will make sure it doesn’t work when she’s ovulating. And if it’s not meant to be for someone, they can screw 5 times a day and it won’t happen and a doctor wouldn’t be able to help.

More and more I believe that our case isn’t that of it not being the right time yet. I know that’s not it cuz if it were really meant to be, I’d have conceived the first time he got off. Maybe even before, by having one get away. Yes, all things are possible with God, so if he was really on our side, and would let us have a kid, he’d have let one make it up there long before he started cumming.

Another thing Tom did that I felt sure he would, was agree to his being the one to decide when we have sex again and how frequently.

I let him know, on the voicemail, that I didn’t want this to influence his decision and that I’d like for him to have a mind of his own and that I’ll go along with whatever he decides, like it or not, but that in a way I miss our job. I think that for the most part, it was fun for both of us and an extra responsibility for me, and he had so much confidence in the job paying off in time. I also told him I don’t know if throwing the job away would really make us happier or not, and that I know he doesn’t believe this, but maybe a person should call it quits on certain things. At least for a while, anyway.

Still, I know we must do what’s best. I must follow my head, not my heart and stop trying for the impossible. Going back to having sex once a week or so, may not make me as happy, but it’s the best thing to do and the right thing to do.

Now, here’s something that really does piss me off. All day yesterday I weighed 104 pounds and ate very, very little. Then when I woke up I weighed 102 and what did I get from having just 15 bites of mashed potatoes? I got to go back up to 104. See? No one’s body does this without a very, very slow metabolism.

Later...

I heard the freeloaders do something rather weird at about 7:35 this morning, though it was without any music. I could’ve sworn I heard him get into the jeep and start the motor but then I heard no more. A couple of hours later, I checked and the jeep was still there. I haven’t heard him leave yet. Nope, I take that back. I heard about 3 car doors from over there and about 3 beats of music at a very reasonable volume that I could barely hear, and he’s gone now.