Boy did I sleep a long time! Nearly 10 hours. I hope Tom’s not bumming too much over the fact that I was unavailable last night for our job. Tomorrow I should be mid-cycle.

Another way I know I didn’t get pregnant is cuz my temperature was below normal. It’s hard for me to sense something coming that I don’t believe is possible, but I also hear women commonly sense it when they first get pregnant. I see my late November period as clear as can be. It’s inevitable and guaranteed. Plus, like I said, my periods love me too much to take a break from coming around for a while.

Last night I renewed our library books. It’s so cool, too, to be able to do that by phone. All you do is punch in the barcode number on the library card, then the barcode numbers on the books we want to renew.

Later...

Tom left a message for me at 9 something last night. He said to wake him up between 4:00-4:30. I’m approaching mid-cycle now, so now’s when I wouldn’t be surprised if he made sure he was tired. And that he didn’t cum. I still feel he’s readier for a kid now, but would prefer to keep it going without one for at least 6 more months. I think that more pay and Evie having hers first will do it. Within a year, he should start seeing how obvious my sterility is. Once again, any normal woman who had a guy get off in her when I did a couple of days ago should be pregnant, but I didn’t get pregnant.

The TV reception’s getting worse and worse and I suppose that’s mainly due to Robin cuz I continue to ignore her.

I only God doesn’t make my soreness down there turn painful and that he doesn’t do anything else to either one of us cuz of our trying and hoping to fight him. I believe he should know, though, that it’s a fight we could never win.

Upon proofreading my journals, I came across a couple of funny things I’d forgotten all about.

When Tom and I first met, he said the following two things were sure to happen.

That I’d fall in love with a woman and would have to choose between her and him.

Now this is crazy since I could never love a woman who loved me too, and why would I want to give up Tom when I have everything I need and want here with him?

Also, he’s sure I’ll make the same amount of money he does or more, then take the money and run and he says he still believes this.

Well, I guess he doesn’t know me that well as I’d rather be dirt poor with him, than rich and without him.

In a few minutes, I’m gonna get Tom up and maybe we’ll have sex this morning, but I can almost bet he won’t cum.

Later...

Well, we won’t be having any sex at all this morning as Tom’s as exhausted as I figured he’d be. He says, though, that tonight he’s gonna catch up on his sleep so we can reinforce the fishies from a couple of days ago. This sounds too good to be true, but hopefully, it will come true. For once.

This is getting ridiculous. What could cause my metabolism to become deathly slow? It’s like it’s quit on me and has come to a complete halt. When a person wakes up, they’re almost always 2-3 pounds lighter. You usually weigh more at the end of the day. Well, I went to bed at 104, slept 10 hours, then woke up at 104. Then, after a TV dinner and a granola bar, I weighed 106. What the fuck?! And I’ve been exercising here and there too, so I give up. I’ll bet you I could go 24/48 hours with no food and still weigh the same.

Later...

Tom liked my new sound bytes. I reversed the one where Nervous says, “Young boy, what the fuck?” And the one where Andy says, “Did Judy untie you?” And Stacey responds, “OK, Mark.” Then I laugh like crazy. Yup, the sound recorder’s pretty cool.

Tom says he didn’t hear anything next door last night but saw lights on over there. It sounds like she and the kid are there. I really hope there’s a case going on of her and Mike breaking up or just not getting along very well at all. Maybe something really has come up causing him to be gone more and that explains the vibe I had.

Well, I’m gonna go now and work on Andy’s journal and do some proofreading.

Later...

Yesterday I got a letter from Bob. My parents are very lucky he doesn’t write to them regularly. Now here’s a guy who repeats the same few things year after year. His love for Kim, sex, and how he wants to get out of there. He’s always in the same old rut. At least there’s variety to my reps and while I may be stuck in a rut myself, they do change every few years.

I expect to stop crying out for the kid I can never have any time now, only to be crying out for something else I can never have.

Bob also said some weird thing about not being able to write much cuz he was caught shaving his hair off with a razor and cutting up his hand. Brilliant. Really brilliant.

Well, he won’t be hearing from me. He’s lost me as a friend as he was never a true friend to me.

I wonder which one will be the case for tomorrow - will he knowingly not cum, or will he have a subconscious block about having a kid that’ll stop him? I guess it’ll depend on how bummed out about it he’ll seem after not cumming.

Later...

I’m almost sure I’m ovulating right now. I took my temperature yesterday cuz I was curious and it was too low, but today it’s 98.9. Also, I have light cramps here and there and that’s also supposed to be a sign of ovulation. The goddamn, bummer of it is that it’s nice to know I probably ovulate enough times, but there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. Meaning, it was too soon when he got off a couple of days ago and if he gets off tomorrow morning, it’ll be too late. If only I could know that there was some live sperm leftover in me from 2 days ago and it’s now fertilizing that egg, or that tomorrow it would hook. Well, sperm can live in a woman for up to 3 days, but not usually. I’d say that almost all the sperm he deposited in there died a few hours later, so if there are a few live ones left now, and I doubt it, it wouldn’t do me any good. By tomorrow I know it’ll be too late. If my body can go from a low temperature with no cramps to a higher temperature and cramps in less than 24 hours, it’s gonna wing back the other way around in less than 24 hours, so by tomorrow (if he cums), the egg will be too far down the line for it to be picked back up with a sperm hooked to it.

Once again, this is no coincidence. I’m right where God wants me to be. Unless he makes sure something comes up where I have something obviously wrong with me down there, or a doctor tells me I’m sterile to my face, he’s gonna always make sure we’re too early or too late.

Later...

Wait a minute now. I was right when I said earlier that if I wasn’t pregnant by Tom’s getting off a couple of days ago, something would definitely be wrong with me. After looking in the encyclopedia, it’s highly probable for a woman to conceive 3-5 days of the month. The days right before, during, and after ovulation. Yeah, I think I remember hearing that. So yes, if I didn’t conceive anywhere from 2 days ago to right about now, I am definitely as sterile as I always thought I was. If I’ve got this right, I began ovulating around 9 AM this morning and it was about 34 hours ago that he got off in me, so if I were normal and if God weren’t messing with me, there’s no reason whatsoever that there shouldn’t still be enough live sperm in me right now to hit that egg. And also, pretending he didn’t get off 34 hours ago, if he got off tomorrow morning, that alone should definitely do it. Something better do it cuz there’s no way he’s gonna get off every day. I just can’t see that even in a younger guy.

Oh, what am I doing this for? It doesn’t matter when he gets off. God’s never gonna let me have a child. I know it and I’ve always known it. I can’t help but wish and hope and dream, though, even if it’s a foolish waste of time. I’m like, please let there be enough live sperm in there now. Please, go get that egg! If not, please let him cum tomorrow and get an egg! The odds of him cumming tomorrow, though, don’t seem very high. He seems to need more time in between to “build up.” This is why it seems impossible for him to get to the point where he can cum daily.

It’s really weird because right now my body feels totally like it’s PMSing. I’m so fucking bloated and my tits are even a bit sore.

You see, I still think I was right and wrong. I was right about his sperm not being able to impregnate me, but I think it fouled my body up. I’m sure I don’t have any kind of infection, but it seems like my weight’s been thrown off and I’ve been way waterier since he started cumming. Before he started cumming, I’d lose the water and then weigh around 99 after my period. Now I don’t. I stay watery and bloated and weigh over 100 like I do before my period. I miss my thin days and I have a hell of a feeling that those days are history.

I try to look at it as a favor from God and not a punishment. How would I handle the lack of sleep and having it? How could I handle being a mother? What would it do to our relationship? Perhaps I’m stubborn and selfish cuz even though I worry and wonder about these things, I still wish we could have a child. Oh, how I wish it!

How can God think I’m not a bad enough person to qualify for it, yet hate me at the same time? Well, he obviously can and does.

I know I should go exercise and do something about this weight I’ve gained and quit dreaming of being one of those fat mamas, but I still feel it wouldn’t do me any good. When I gain weight, I gain weight, and there’s nothing I can do about it till it decides to come off, but I really think this is it. For a while, I couldn’t gain weight if I tried and now I won’t be able to lose weight if I tried. Anyone who goes with a few bites here and there and doesn’t lose weight or sleeps a long time and doesn’t eat for 10 hours to weigh the same, can’t lose weight. Maybe after starving for a few days, but I can’t get up the will to do so. For a while, there, I weighed 102 steadily, then 104 steadily. I wouldn’t be surprised if I weighed 106 regularly, then 108 and God knows how much my weight will go up. Why don’t I make a deal with myself right now? Reality-wise, I’ll never have a child. So, if that scale hits 108, I’m gonna just have liquids for 2-3 days to speed up my metabolism, no matter how hungry I am. It worked for me when I was heavy.

Later...

I just left Tom a message about the deal I made with myself to go on a 2-3-day liquid diet if I hit 108 and I asked to hear what he had to say about it. I’m pretty sure, though, that he would want me to do whatever made me happy. I’m really dead fucking serious when I say that I never have been this bloated, watery, and had tits this big. Even if I conceived when he came, there’s no way I could get this watery this fast, have my tits get sore, and gain 2 pounds. I think it’d take a week or so for the water weight to start building up slowly, then faster as the pregnancy advanced.

The good part of it is that there have been plenty of times when I’ve lost weight. Without even trying or dieting or changing any of my habits, it’s just happened. I’d like to think that it’ll happen, but I have a feeling stronger than ever, as I said before, that it won’t. Age may be a factor in it, too.

And lastly, there’s always the chance that there is something wrong with me, but wouldn’t I have some other symptoms to let me know?

I wonder if I’ll ever get that package from my folks? The one with those household items she said she had.

Will I ever get my puzzles? There was this deal for 21 puzzles that it seems that I should’ve gotten two months ago. Why can’t these puzzle people just receive the orders and send what was ordered? Why does it always have to be such a big deal? Do they deliberately hold off sending out stuff that was ordered for a few months?

This month we’re going to David and Evie’s for Thanksgiving. That sucks and I’m not looking forward to it at all. Their place is about 45 minutes away and I really hate family get-togethers, even if this is the coolest family in this world. Also, that rotten spoiled grandniece of mine who never shuts up ought to be there too, so I can get a major splitting headache. From what I’ve seen of Nickolena, she’s been pretty mellow. She sure as hell is compared to Jennifer.