I sure do have a lot to write about and most of it isn’t very good. Let me get the other things out of the way before I get into the same old shit.

We’re making a family calendar for Christmas. Tom went over to Ma’s to videotape her photo albums. We’re getting ma puzzles, but anyway, we’re gonna have family pictures by each month and a picture of those whose birthdays or anniversaries are on certain dates.

I got restocked on my markers and did a couple of really neat envelopes for Larry. On the front of one of them, I did a line of crayons all lined up and wrote the names of their colors on them, just like they are written on crayons. I also did one of a nighttime desert scene on the back. That one, Tom really loved. He liked the crayons a lot but thought the desert scene was excellent.

I started this desert scene on the living room wall across the back of the couch.

Tom’s cold is just starting to taper off, but Larry sure had quite a cold when I called him last night.

Larry says they warmed up again to 40°, but that it’s to get cold again. I gave him my laugh, anyway.

We got a few Christmas cards from Tom’s family and I got a card from Kim today, too.

I just did up letters to Larry and Kim.

The John Saul fan club thing I sent away for was returned to me, cuz that address was closed out.

I renewed our library books by phone.

I think that’s the trivial stuff that’s been going on.

Anyway, the reason why I haven’t been too happy, naturally, is cuz of that faithful red friend I knew I’d get. It started last night. Tom said this could be good, cuz we screwed when I was 14 days after my period, so all this means is that we didn’t hit it right and I wasn’t on a 28-day cycle. I know what this means. That God still hates me and will never love me enough to bless us with a child.

Anyway, he had just gone to bed last night before 8:00 and I decided to watch a movie. So, I sat down to do so and of course, the first set of commercials had to be all about pregnancy tests. Then I felt wet down there, went to check, and saw that it was starting. So this was an instant end to my good mood. Then the next set of commercials was about the power of prayer. The only power I have from prayer is the power for them to be unheard and unanswered. I thought it just wouldn’t be fair if I’d gotten a period, but even Andy agrees that God controls our bodies and that life’s not fair. It’s like it’s deliberately designed to be unfair.

The thing about it is that for about two days prior to my period, even I had a slightly positive vibe picking up. The scale said 106 steadily and my boobs were so sore and I was so watery that even I began to wonder. Stupid me, though. The thought of having a child brought tears of joy to my eyes as I realized how complete I’d feel to have such a great husband and a child. I kept telling myself I was a silly little dreamer and to get real and then reality came alright Even my horoscope said to hang onto reality and don’t do too much wishful thinking. Tom would agree with the part telling me to reevaluate and change my belief system, though.

God just doesn’t want me to move on. He’s so determined to keep me right where I am.

I just don’t see how Tom can believe I’m fine and that we just haven’t hit it right yet. He says that he too, feels that same emptiness and void I feel, but due to the fact that he believes our dream will be granted, he’s not as upset as I am. OK, I know he’s cum only about 8 times since last July, but he’s done so 10 days after my period, 12 days after it, 14 days after it, 15 days after it, 16 days after it, and about 18 days after it that I know of. One of these should have hit it right. I know something’s wrong. I asked him if he thought that maybe I could be one of those women who just never ovulate and he said no, cuz that’s just so unusual. Then all the more likely this is for me since being unusual is the highlight of my life.

So, this is the deal we made, which I also told Andy. In March I’ll be going for a PAP and at that time I’ll casually mention we’ve been trying for several months and haven’t hit it right and see if they’ve got any suggestions for us. I’m sure, though, that they’re not gonna suggest anything we haven’t already heard of. If we ever stood a chance in hell, he’d need to cum 5-7 days in a row during that time frame and I told him I just can’t see him doing this. He says, though, that his amount of cumming will increase and that he’ll eventually be getting off every time we have sex, then he reminded me I also could never see him ever cumming or us getting him on top. True, and I hope I’m dead wrong and that he’s totally right when he says that for March we’ll need to turn around and make me an appointment with an OB.

Anyway, he and I agreed to do whatever we need to. He’s willing to get tested, go through in vitro, etc. However, I still say you can’t fight fate and that not us, nor any doctor, nor God could ever help us to get this child that just isn’t meant to be. Yes, I fear punishment from God for rebelling against what he’s set my fate out to be, but I guess that at this point, like I told Tom and Andy, I’d rather take whatever punishments God’s gonna dish out to me cuz he can’t punish me any further than he already has. I still know, though, that this void will never be filled. I’ll always live with this empty, incomplete, cheated feeling.

Andy’s glad we’re gonna be going to a doctor and he says that it’s not that he doesn’t believe what I have to say as far as my 6th sense, my woman’s intuition, and the DES, but that he’ll really believe whatever a doctor has to say. He reminded me about his sister Linda who needed in vitro. But Linda’s not a DES daughter. See, I think that the problem with DES daughters isn’t that the egg can’t be fertilized, it’s that the tissue lining the cervix and uterus is so inflamed, that the embryo can’t get a grip on the wall of the uterus.

Andy asked me how I can be sure that Tom isn’t shooting blanks. Cuz if he was, God couldn’t have used him to tease me with that spot attack last August. I know he’s fine.

Andy said that even if a doctor told me yes, I’m sterile, that should help to really finalize it in my mind so I can move on. Yeah, I suppose, but in my mind, it’s already final enough. I fully believe 1997 will definitely be the year that this thing fully plays itself out. A miracle is either gonna happen and I’ll be proven more wrong than I ever was before, or a doctor will confirm my worst beliefs and fears.

I really believe the doctor will be telling us he’s fine and that there’s nothing he can do for me, so we should look into adoption. Andy said I should adopt a black baby since I’m not prejudiced and since there are so many out there who need homes and that God would love me doubly for it. First of all, God never has and never will love me 1 ounce and adoption is fine, but it’s not for me. If I can’t have my own - forget it.

I’ll have to choose between the two choices I’ve always had and will only always have - do I work doing some loser job, or do I just stay the way I am and clean the house and do my hobbies? Tom and I also agreed that come March, I’ll decide this.

Why should I settle, though, and live the life God wants me to live? I swear this body doesn’t belong to me. It’s God’s body. Everything of mine is his. His body, his mind, his life. Nothing’s up to me. Nothing belongs to me.

Anyway, Andy was a really good listener last night. I certainly didn’t want to wake Tom up with his cold, which is coming to an end now (it’s a miracle that I didn’t catch his cold!). Andy offered to treat me to Denny’s, but he got tied up at Quinn’s place. This worked out well, though, cuz I was just too drained physically, cuz my emotions just totally exhausted me. I ended up sleeping 12 hours, which I really needed. Especially since I had only slept 6-7 hours the previous two nights.

Got another letter from Marla who said she understood being sterile is personal and she doesn’t mean to pry or hurt me. I told her, though, that there’s nothing I haven’t been asked or heard, so she can ask me anything she wants to, and I told her the scoop on the DES and our plans for March. I also told Tammy, too.