This morning was both nice yet a little tense with Tom. Still, I miss spending time with him so much and I miss sex. Well, I do and I don’t. I just wish he’d get to feeling better and stay that way! It seemed like there’d have been plenty of time for sex this morning, but he said that he wasn’t sure how his tooth would end up feeling (now that his cold is over, his tooth is bugging him again, but we’ll get it taken care of if we need to) and by the time he realized his tooth was fine, we didn’t have enough time for fun. Yes, we did. We could’ve had a quickie, or he could’ve gone down on me.

So, I asked him why I was feeling horny at this time. I’m not usually horny after my period, but he said that it was probably cuz we hadn’t spent too much time together. Then suddenly, his tooth started hurting him and at first, I thought he was trying to put a guilt trip on me for mentioning the fact that if we didn’t have sex, we avoid possible problems it can and has brought, but that if we don’t, we go horny. I’m pretty sure now, though, that his tooth was really hurting him.

Then I got a little annoyed when once again he said, “I know there’s no problem” (with my plumbing). 

The reason why I’d gotten annoyed was cuz he always tells me after I say, “I know I’m sterile,” not to assume I know something, either way, cuz no one’s supposed to know what the future holds. Then he told me I could say whatever I wanted and that when he said what he said, it went without saying, in his mind, that there’s a slim, remote possibility there is a problem. So I guess what he’s saying, is that we can believe whatever we believe, but to know that there’s always a chance we could be wrong.

I got to thinking about that brainwashing thing. If I can brainwash myself into thinking God hates me (I still think this is true for the most part anyway), then why couldn’t I brainwash myself into believing I didn’t want a kid? I asked him if he thought Andy could brainwash himself into believing he didn’t want a boyfriend, since he doesn’t think he could get that any more than I think I could get a kid, and he said no. I wonder why? What’s the difference?

Anyway, it’s been absolutely freezing out at night these last couple of nights, and the days have been chilly.

After Tom left for work, saying he was looking forward to the weekend which I agree with, a pipe was leaking out back where one of the faucets is. It was spraying a mist and it was so cold and there were even icicles forming off of the hose and the wet grass below it was all icy. Yuck! Totally like being in Massachusetts. So, I tried to turn it off, but when I couldn’t, I called Tom and he told me which valve to turn and in which direction and told me he’d call back. I got it off with a pair of pliers, then he called back saying I was a wonderful wife for getting it off so he didn’t have to come home and do it.

I’m still working on losing that extra weight, but I haven’t been totally able to “liquidate” myself. I’m at 102 now, but I’d like to get it down to the upper 90s. Even if I could just drop 3-5 pounds, that’d really make a difference at my height and with how I looked, felt, and how my clothes fit.

A couple more comments about Marla’s letter - we heard that making love more often, increases the amount of live sperm, not decreases it, but oh well. And that graph thing seems pretty complicated, but of course, I can’t count very well. Also, if it said I was likely to be ovulating, that doesn’t do me any good if he’s either at work, asleep, busy, sick, tired, or unable to cum.

I was also shocked at how she said 70% of pregnant women experience some kind of bleeding episode during early pregnancy. 70%?! That’s an awfully high figure and if it were that common, then why isn’t it common knowledge? I mean, that’s like saying I could be pregnant, since I had a light period which was mostly spots, both brown and red and I think I saw some tissue, too. I know better, though. I don’t sense any major change, so trust me, my womb is still empty.

I was also surprised she said she blocked out stuff that happened to her as an adult. I thought that the only ones who could really block anything out were those no older than about 10. I wish to hell I could’ve done that throughout most of my life. I envy her. My problem has been remembering. I’m able to remember every single rotten thing that’s ever happened to me and mostly in full detail, too. I wish I could’ve taken and blocked out shit that happened to me as it happened. A lot of the time, especially when the past seems to play on my mind and creep up on me, I wish that even now, I could block out all the bad things I’ve gone through, one by one. That’d have to be the bulk of my life, though.

I also told Marla that she can bash my mom in any way shape or form. Even if I didn’t agree with her (yet I do), she has a right to her feelings and she can speak her mind. It’s fine with me.

My dad’s pretty persuasive too, but not like my mom. Even my dad can’t stand up to my mom and I think this is a big reason why he didn’t stick up for me, Larry and Tammy, besides his own weakness. See, I just know that Tom, being as strong as he is and as loving and protective of me as he is, won’t even be able to stand up to them. If she started to cut me down, he may say in his mind, say something in defense of your wife! But will never be able to do so. My mother could convince most of the world that she was God if she wanted to, but thankfully she and dad aren’t cops cuz if one of them did something cops aren’t supposed to do, the other would never blow the whistle. Hell no! They’d stand by each other and back each other up like the staff in places like Valleyhead and Brattleboro do. That’s what Marla meant when she said Dad was in the same boat, different level. He too, was under the domination of Dureen.

Anyway, speaking of my weak, intolerable parents, they sent Tom candy for Christmas. 3 different kinds of chocolates.

And, speaking of Tom’s mom, remember how I said she showed me a funny letter she got from her cousins? They live in either Virginia or Tennessee, somewhere around there, but there were 16 “Ha’s” throughout the whole letter and I thought it was pretty weird/funny. Anyway, she just got another letter from them and there were no HAs, but it was a pretty bragging, conceited letter. They started off by saying they hoped all was well with “you and yours.” What a hell of a thing to say to someone whose husband just died 6 months ago.