I went online, saw that Marla was online, and sent her an instant message. Then I sent her an email and am now waiting for her to reply.

I think I’ll go cruise the Internet while I await her reply.

Later...

Still waiting for Marla’s reply. What’s taking her so long? She obviously types fast too, and is an excellent speller. Very literate, just like Andy told me she was.

When I’m not waiting for her or something else, I’ll write more about stuff we’ve talked about.

I downloaded more games, but don’t know if I can remember how to unpack and decompress them.

Later...

Marla better hurry up and get her message to me, but I’ll have to reply to her some other time. A message just popped up saying that the system’s going down in 30 minutes and won’t be back up till 7 AM ET. That’s 5 AM here.

Right now I’m downloading those files which should take about 8 more minutes.

Later...

Got Marla’s reply, but I let her know I’d write back some other time since the system was to go down.

She and I have discussed all kinds of things (mainly about pregnancy). I didn’t tell her about our past sexual lives, of course, but I told her about the DES, my beliefs about God, and my life in general. I made it clear to her that I do have my blessings and how wonderful Tom is. I also told her how positive Tom is and that he agrees with her. That God isn’t punishing me or us and that we’ll succeed whenever.

She gave me Linda’s number, but I don’t think I’ll ever need to call her.

I can’t remember everything we discussed in the last couple of letters. She just told me to get tested and I told her that if we haven’t had any luck by March when I’m due for a pap, that’s when I’ll casually mention it, get the ball rolling and that we both agreed to do whatever it takes if we can’t manage on our own.

I’m still shocked that Marla had such an easy time with childbirth and said it was easier than having her 4 impacted wisdom teeth pulled, but like Tom said, everyone’s different. I had thought that nothing was more painful than having a kid. I may be a toughie in many ways, who’s not as sensitive as she used to be, but I still can’t imagine a drugless, easy birth like Marla had, with only a few stitches down there. I’m not that tough and I’m not as big as she is. She did say, though, that with her second boy (she has two) the labor was sharper, so they gave her something that’s supposed to take the edge off the pain and it didn’t help much. Yeah, I heard that the drugs really don’t help much and that all they do is prolong the process and up the risks to the mother and the child. I always swore that if I were pregnant, I wouldn’t bother with those birthing classes. If childbirth is supposed to be natural, I don’t see why I should have to be “taught” how to have a kid if I could have it vaginally. I’d still want to find out all my options and see what the doctor recommended but have the drugs available to me if and when needed. Still, I already know how to take some good, deep breaths, so like Tammy said, it’s kind of obvious and I don’t see why I’d need classes.

Shockingly, Marla said she thought it’d be so painful and when she saw an instructional video, the lady looked like she was gonna die of pain and yet they said the woman was having a fairly easy labor.

Marla also told me that before Linda had in vitro, she attempted two failed surrogates for Linda.

Anyway, the more I think about it, the more I realize that Tom really truly is right on just about everything he’s ever said would happen. All he was really wrong about was the timing of these things, but so far, even though we have gotten me pregnant, we did get him on top, we did get him off, etc., just like he said would be the case. As I told him, the more I remind myself of this, the more I hope it’ll help me to deal with our situation and to move on. Talking with Tom, Andy, and Marla have really helped.

I told Marla that I wasn’t ashamed of my past experiences with women, that I never believed God hated gays, and that I believed that those who say he does just want to cut down gays and try to scare them, so she responded to that in her letter I’ll copy in here.

Tom says that I may have always believed God had it in for me, but that lately, I’ve come to be obsessed with the idea of him hating me and that I brainwashed myself into believing he hates me. Yeah, I think he’s right, but I still can’t help but believe this. I wish I didn’t, though. I wish I just believed that I do have more control over my own body and life than I’ve had in the past and that it just hasn’t been the right time yet. They say there’s a time to die and a time to be born. I’m sure I’d believe in God for the better much more if I do get pregnant. If not, I don’t know. We’ll just have to wait and see.

The good thing about it is that between what Tom, Andy, and Marla have had to say about it all and the procedures available, and that there are places guaranteeing a visible pregnancy and your money back, has helped to boost my hope up a little. I don’t know how the hell we could afford any procedures, but I just hope we’ll never need it and that Tom will be right yet again about not needing anything.

Meanwhile, all I can do is wait, try to hope things work out, and take Tom’s advice about God and living life. It may not be easy, but I guess that the more often I can live out his advice, that that’ll be better than nothing, even though I agree with Tom and myself that what we think, do or say, doesn’t dictate the future. It may just make it easier to deal with and maybe speed things up, but who knows for sure?

I also agree with Tom, Andy and Marla, that the past can’t be changed, even if it plays on our minds periodically. And that also, I don’t have to be like my mother. God, I hope not! I don’t see how I could live with myself if I did a fraction of the things she’s done and we’re already quite different.

I really am lucky, like Marla said, that Tom doesn’t judge me by my past and I’ve told Tom this.

Another cool thing about Marla is that she doesn’t just know what Andy’s told her since he and I met up in ‘88. She knows how my mom was/is. She saw how she was with us.

I agree with her about there usually being a reason for the way people are and she asked me about my mom. Well, that’s easy. Her parents were just like mine. Her mom was mean, negative and domineering and her dad sat back and acted like nothing happened while using his heart as an excuse to not get upset. Yes, my dad had/has a bad heart and it’s not good for him to get all emotional, but if I had been him, I would’ve set that Dureen straight on how she treated our kids. I don’t mean violently, either.

I also agree with Marla that all parents make mistakes, but trying your best and trying not to repeat mistakes and apologizing for your mistakes and letting your kids know you love them no matter what, is the best.

Lastly, she gave me all kinds of news, advice and stuff like that on pregnancy. I’ll show Tom her letter and ask him what he thinks. He says we can let it happen on its own (by March) and I trust his judgment with his track record of being right (whether it be on time or not), so I’ll ask him if he thinks we should take her temperature advice or wait on it, but keep it in mind as something that may help in the future if we have no luck on our own.

We definitely need and want to have more sex and yes, I fully believe Tom when he says he can get to the point where he gets off every time we have sex. I believe this after how right he proved to be in saying we could get him on top, off in the first place, etc. I just think it may take many months, but like he said to remind myself, I cannot know this for sure. I may be wrong when I say I think it’ll take a long time for him to do. Or maybe I’ll be right. Don’t know. Time will tell.

We do agree with Marla - we choose to help ourselves get me pregnant. I ain’t giving up no more. I shall fight tooth and nail for what I, he or we want, whether or not it comes quick and easy, or over time with lots of hard work. Tom and Marla are right - we deserve happiness, we deserve our dreams, and we don’t have to be childless by fate.

That story Marla told me about that woman Linda knows sounds horribly scary and painful where the baby kicked through the womb.

Later...

Right now I feel a little dizzy. Or would lightheaded be the proper word?

I was surprised to spot some mistakes in Marla’s letter to me. No hyphen in between the words ‘self’ and ‘esteem’ and she put an apostrophe in the wrong kind of ‘its’. Still, she is an excellent typist/writer. Especially when compared to people like Fran, Bob, Alex and Tammy.

Tom took care of unpacking a few new games I zapped over.

He says he still feels like he was just getting over his cold, only to get hit with a new one. I worry about him. I hope he’ll be OK. I’d literally die if anything ever happened to him.

He’s been grouchy a bit here and there, but I understand. I only wish I didn’t talk so much. I should really work on not overwhelming him with so much show and tell when he first wakes up. He’s overwhelmed enough what with his cold and Christmas coming up. I should understand, too, cuz I really like to be left alone myself when I first get up. I need more time than he does. I need an hour or two to just be left alone.

I also should try harder to take his advice when he says that it’s not that I have to really change myself or hold things in, but lessen the kid talk. He says we can discuss it, but we have to live life and not put all our energies into making a kid. This doesn’t mean he won’t or can’t do whatever we may need to after the holidays are out of the way. We really don’t want to make any kind of plans till after the New Year.

He has a point about living life, but a lot of the time, I feel like I don’t have enough of a life to live and too much time on my hands. Well, when I feel this way, I try to do the things I enjoy, besides stuff that needs to be done around the house.

I agree with him as far as taking any old out-of-the-house job at this time. I don’t know about the future, but right now it would eat our money initially and rob us of a lot of our time together. It’d make it harder for any needed appointments, too. It would make my free time more special, though. Perhaps too special and I don’t think a job is worth it. A kid, yes. That’d be worth any free time being special. Besides, we’re not like Tammy and Bill or other couples, necessarily. If one of us really needed free time, I’m sure the other could help with that. If he needed free time on the computer, I’m sure I could entertain the kid in another room. Neither of us would be able to wake up in peace, though. Maybe we could take turns with that.

Yesterday, it was my left nipple’s turn to have that weird burning feeling. Also, my rag, which was a typical 3-day rag (although very light), is over.

I told Tom we should wait till after the holidays too, to screw again, but he said that wasn’t what he wanted to do. OK, I told him. I’m not only used to not doing/having what I want, but I truly love him so very much that I want to do whatever I can do to make him happy and what he wants, whether I like it or not.

Marla went through a lot of shit in her life too, and like me, wishes she had Evan a long time ago like I wish I had Tom a long time ago. She wishes Andy had Mr. Right, too.

Is she serious, though? Andy had told me the boys really put a strain on their marriage and that Evan would get jealous of the attention she gave the kids (what else is new?).

Marla has a point too, when she mentions God having a hand in our sexual orientations. I agree with that.

I heard, also, that Ma treated me better than Larry and Tammy due to her guilt over my ear when I was really little. Then, I personally think she treated me worse. She didn’t send Larry or Tammy away or have them doped up. Better to have stayed home with the negative, insensitive bitch than to have been put away in funny farms, schools, and foster homes, but I’m glad I met Anna and Harry.

Tom and I have been playing the doggie mug game. He picks a different one out every day for hot chocolate. He’s picked 3 out of the 10 so far, so he’s got 7 more to go.

Every day I’ve been emptying our little pail into the big blue dumpster they gave us which’s out in the corner of the patio. That’s my job. Late tonight, I’ll reply to Marla’s letter.