It looks like I was wrong when I said that if I just kept up the exercise, my weight would stay around 120 pounds. At 125 pounds, though I’ve begun dieting, I’d say that’s not true. It’s kind of scary how I can’t stop gaining weight if I eat around 2000 calories a day. Most people stop at some point, but mine never does. I could end up at 200 pounds or more if I kept eating 2000 calories a day.

I was eating macaroni the night before the diet began, and I put a few pieces on a saucer on the floor for Little Buddy. It was so cute how he’d grab a piece, run under the stool I was sitting on and eat it, and repeat the same routine.

We worked some more on the cage and it should be done and ready within a few days. Little Buddy’s going to love having more climbing space, and I’m going to appreciate the shelves being of wire, rather than solid plastic.

Got a letter from Mary on Friday. She’s one strong, resilient person! I can’t believe she can have the faith she’s got in God after all the pain and suffering he’s allowed to be inflicted upon her. It’s like kissing the hand that slaps you, in my opinion.

Anyway, she sent me a 5-page clip to type up and asked for a couple more copies of the latest clips. I don’t know why she’s sending this publisher stuff before the book’s even complete, but that’s what she wanted them for. If she starts asking for too many copies too often I’ll have to put my foot down. Ink’s not cheap.

I asked her to clarify where she’s been and when and she did. She says she was at Estrella from 5/2000-10/2000, then she was extradited to Florida where she remained till 12/2000 when she was brought back to Estrella. She said she also spent 32 hours in jail after slapping her mother in ‘98 and was ordered to take a “diversion” class, whatever that means. So, her child neglect charges run concurrently with her failure to protect charges.

I still think this isn’t any Myra C or Mindy E we’re dealing with here and that she should not be in jail. She was forced to neglect her daughter and prevented from protecting her. If she could’ve saved Gretchen, she would have. Besides, isn’t the fact that she’ll never see her again punishment enough? She has to live with that fact alone for the rest of her life.

Also last Friday, I put the groceries away, then Tom exclaimed, “Happy birthday!”

I was like - huh?

Well, he happened to go into Walgreens, and there he picked me up that nail salon thing I’ve been wanting. It’s an electric nail file/buffer. I just love it, too! It only takes a sec to file little nicks and chips, but doing it with an old-fashioned Emory board takes forever. Shaping’s easier with this thing, too.

“What’s a birthday with just one present,” he said, pulling out yet another box from his bag. It was this spray that you spray your legs and underarms with for removing hair, but I’m sorry to say it didn’t work. The shit they sold in jail worked better than this stuff, and I followed the directions thoroughly. That’s okay, though. The thought was nice.

Tom decided not to bother waiting so we ordered the dolls on Thursday. There’s a chance they could arrive tomorrow, but I highly doubt it. Tuesday’s New Year’s Day, so they should be here Wednesday.

This will probably be my last entry for this year. Just think, 5 years down 2 more to go, then maybe, just maybe, the freeloaders will be out of our lives for good. I won’t believe it till I see it, though.

Paula, you little liar you! I’m sick of both life’s casual little liars and big liars. I know it’s perfectly acceptable and that it’s considered to be normal human behavior, but I still think it’s wrong to tell someone you’re going to do something you know you’re not going to do. And all just so she could get the tapes and keep my letters coming. She doesn’t even take in what she reads in the first place! She obviously can’t remember a damn thing in my letters because she asks me so many things I explained in them. She didn’t even know who the fuck Teddy Bear was! She’s either not reading them, or her memory’s like a garbage disposal. What kind of “friend” does this? All she had to do was ask and I’d have sent the tapes anyway. I can give without taking.

The freeloaders didn’t have Scot wake me up today, but you know, I see a pattern here with him lately. I don’t know if he too, is a regular little liar or what, but every time I see him, he tells me he’ll probably be out, or he tried to come out, or he’ll try to, etc. It’s almost like he wants me to think he’s coming, but this one won’t hurt my feelings in the least if he doesn’t keep his word about inviting himself over.

This Christmas has been peaceful and uneventful compared to the last when in captivity Palma bounced me from Ruby to Rosa and Tina, then to spend a week with Monday and Carolyn.

I did get somewhat of an eyesore, though. We went to Circle K, and when we pulled into the parking lot, the sight of the sheriff’s car made me sick with rage that I nearly sat in the car till it was gone. I wasn’t about to let the sight of it control me, though, so I went in, but I went in with a hell of an attitude. Not by anything I said, but by the way I moved and glared at the pig, whom I didn’t recognize as either the Robin H bullshitter or the nicer one that took me to Florence in July of last year.

“You’re drawing attention,” Tom said.

“I don’t care,” I replied.

Then after we were in the car, he told me he understood that I didn’t care, but that he didn’t want to get pulled over and hassled on his way to work or anything.

“Why would you? I’m the one who comped the attitude.”

“It’s vehicles they remember, not people.”

“Well, I wouldn’t worry about it,” I said, “and I doubt the pig even noticed, or else it would’ve probably come up in my face all defensive to ask what my problem was.”

I was looking out the window earlier. You’d never know they worked on the well. Unlike the other mother-fuckers, they picked all their trash up and took it with them.

When Tom was going through some stuff of his, he found a paperback containing the basics of German. I’ve been browsing through it, and although I have a knack for languages, it’s way harder than English, unlike Spanish, and it’s such an ugly language. But I’ve learned a few phrases like: Ich habe kein Buch - I have no book. And also, das ist ein Fenster - that is a window (they cap their nouns).

Although I still love the MP3 station Tom made for me, it has its problems. It crashes periodically, and the songs stutter at times. Tom’s working on that, though.

New Year’s Day will also be on a Tuesday. Any major holiday to fall on a Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday, is one more day I can sleep well. Especially if I’m on nights. I really think that the reason I haven’t been sleeping well during those days is that I know the freeloaders may have my sleep interrupted on those particular days.

Being on probation may be easier than being in jail, whether or not any of the DOs like you, but it’s hard enough. When I do not have to report to him, just the stress of knowing he could be by to bug me makes me restless at times. I don’t like people inviting themselves over. Also, I don’t dislike Scot, but I don’t like him much, either. And every time I have to see his fat face is one more time I’m reminded about the freeloaders, the pigs, the public defender, the judge, and everyone else that may’ve been involved in putting me where I am today.

I did nothing wrong! I don’t care what any fucked up laws or lying freeloaders/pigs say; I did nothing wrong. And anything I am guilty of giving those freeloaders, they deserved, they asked for it, and they provoked me into giving them what they got. I don’t feel the least bit sorry for them.

The black bitch was eating at my brain earlier and I thought to myself, I’ll bet she’s bold enough to still be listed under the same address and number. You know she was never scared of you. It was all about hate, anger and vindictiveness, not fear. She’d love for you to call her. She’s baiting you, in a sense, hoping her number will tempt you into calling her so she can use/abuse the law against you again with her pig friend.

Then I checked online and was stunned to find she doesn’t exist! I wonder if this should worry me. Could this mean that she and her sick associates do have future evil plans up their sleeves? Or are they hiding out in fear of me going after them for what they’ve done so far? If I fucked someone over the way they’ve fucked me over, I certainly wouldn’t want my address to be assessable to them, that’s for sure. Yeah, I think that’s it; they fucked me over bad, they know it, and they don’t want any retaliation. Like I could retaliate if I wanted to? Yeah, right! What could I do? Hunt them down and shoot them? Make them fess up to the authorities? Put a spell on them and make them all drink poison?

Anyway, I try not to let any pig or pig-like person intimidate me, but I know Scot could come and interrupt my sleep tomorrow on account of the sick bitch, and that he could still be my enemy for all I know, coming to frame me yet again for something I didn’t do. Or maybe something I kind of did that he expanded on. Some stupid, petty thing that would be quickly shooed out of most courtrooms in most states, but would be seen as next to murder in this one, stealing half a year or more of my life all over again. This is the way I have to live for another 22 months unless something is done to me to see that it’s longer, but if it is, they better hope I’m not bondable in the process, cuz they’ll never see me again if I am.

Tom stopped at Mary’s after work and picked up our presents. So, the freeloaders didn’t shorten our present list like I thought they would. The only ones we didn’t get anything from were David and Evie, but they stopped doing presents like we did.

We each received a hundred bucks from mom, and of course, my hundred’s going right into my doll fund. I’m getting 5 of them instead of 4, but I’ll explain that after.

Tom got a really cool wrench that can fit many different-sized nuts and some rollercoaster computer game where you build an amusement park.

I got an elephant figurine from Mom. Truthfully, I hate elephants. They’re fat, ugly and gray, so I stuck them in his room.

Also from Mom was a wish book she made. Although I thought it was a little tacky looking and sort of childish, I wrote a wish on each of the 6 pages:

1. I wish for Tom and I to be happy and healthy
2. I want my Teddy Bear
3. I want more money
4. I want to lose 20 pounds
5. I want Little Buddy to live longer than most rats
6. I want those who have used/abused the law against me out of my life forever.

Lastly from mom, I got this thing called Hairagami. When I first saw it advertised on TV, I thought it looked really cool, but it’s not that easy. They make it look so easy, but it’s close to impossible. It’s for making all different kinds of sophisticated buns and ponytails. It’s frustratingly hard that I don’t think I’ll even bother with it.

I got a puzzle CD from Mary and Dave that’s way cool. The best gift of all, I’d say. It has something like 75 pictures to use as puzzles and it lets you set the size and number of the pieces.

Mary and Dave got the both of us a really pretty wind chime. I have it out front, but I haven’t heard much of it lately. It’s not that windy.

From Carol and Steven, we received an interesting wind chime. It’s this thing you put candles in, and the heat is supposed to make the little chimes sound, but it doesn’t work, so I just threw it on top of the fridge for decoration. It actually works much better if I just blow on the thing!

Also from Carol and Steven is this big candle in a jar with 3 different scents - peanut butter, sugar cookie and oatmeal raisin. Most scented candles don’t seem to smell, even with my nose as sharp as it is, but this one does. It’ll be nice during the cold nights or during the monsoons, though we didn’t have nearly as many power outages last summer as we did the summer before.

From Jackie and Jim, we got a couple of boxes of candy. Chocolate-covered coconut and chocolate-covered peanuts. Tom doesn’t like either of them.

Supposedly, Nora and Ray have something for me, which surprised me. I really thought that with having a black grandkid, they’d turn against us for sure.

Last night we went to the casino, which wasn’t as fun as it could’ve been. It was too crowded. Everyone just had to play the 25¢ machines I like and so I had trouble getting a machine. The smoke in there was gross. I could smell it on my clothes even after we got home. Sure enough, though, we lost. I didn’t have any good vibes the whole time. Tom lost $10 on a poker game, and I lost $20 of my $40 on the slot machines. Once I was down to my final $20, I decided to add another doll to my list with it, rather than give it to the casino. Yes, for once, I had some say in what happened to our money!

I changed my parts around again in my bio. It’s just that I’m trying to avoid having a zillion chapters.

I’m so glad Christmas falls on a Tuesday this year. That’s one less Tuesday I have to worry about Scot bugging me. Especially since I know I’ll be asleep throughout most of the afternoon.

Just brought Little Buddy home. Little Buddy has a new thing he likes to do. After Tom’s eaten and put his plate down on the coffee table, Little Buddy jumps up on the couch, then across to the table to lick the plate.

Late tomorrow night we’re going gambling. I’m totally looking forward to it, even though we’re predestined to lose. We’ll go around 11:00 when the crowds begin to thin out. We could go earlier when it’s crowded, but I don’t want to deal with so many people. There may be no screaming kids to have to deal with, but I don’t want to have to deal with the extra cigarette smoke and having a hard time getting to the machines I like best.

Tom quit yet again in the middle of a project. In the middle of doing his office. I knew he would. This man just can’t stick to anything, and it still pisses me off that he gave his word to me before we moved, telling me he wouldn’t trash anything in this house, only to end up being a casual liar. And the thing about it is that he doesn’t feel the least bit bad about it, either!

Nonetheless, I’ve totally given up on him as far as his office goes. He hates things to be neat and organized. I don’t know if it’s because he doesn’t like how it looks, he just doesn’t care, or what, but it’s totally useless; trying to make him keep his word on that one.

He and I were debating over nutrition, weight loss, and exercise. He feels that if you just eat right, the weight will take care of itself.

Wrong. If you watch your calorie intake, then your weight will take care of itself. Especially if you’re over 30 with no stimulants like cigarettes. Also, exercising cannot change your shape. Nothing can change your shape. When I was 100 pounds, my thighs were the exact same round shape they are now. They were just a smaller version of the ones I got now. Meanwhile, I can never have straight inner thighs because that’s just not part of my shape, any more than I can ever be tall.

We reinked both the Canon and Epson printers yesterday. It was a bit time-consuming and messy, but not too bad. It’s certainly worth the savings, and besides, the first time you do something it always takes longer. Once they were filled, I took the Epson back. It’s slower, but it does envelopes without any problems.

Also, we are going to do exterior fencing. We’re just going to save nearly a thousand dollars and run 4 or 5 strands of barbed wire around the property, which won’t keep dogs out but will make it less convenient for people to drive up and butt into our business.

I don’t feel too bad for someone who was up 21 hours and only slept for 5 hours. Like I said, I’ve been sleeping really weird lately.

Yesterday I worked on my bio like you wouldn’t believe. I worked for 16 hours on it, adding things, editing things, etc.

My stomach was fucked up last night again. On and off I’d get these stomach pains, followed by the runs. So, Tom’s picking up something to help counter these attacks when they hit, which hopefully won’t be too often. I can’t pinpoint the source of it.

It looks like our best bet is going to be to go to the casino late Sunday night. Of course, God would never be nice to us and let us win big after all we’ve been taken for, and if he did, he’d only punish us for it. If we had money, we’d have more non-monetary problems. Maybe I’ll win enough to at least get a doll or a dream catcher from the gift shop. I don’t know about the doll, though. Most of their dolls aren’t that nice.

I want to know why I still haven’t gotten this doll from Paula! Is she bullshitting me? Or am I simply not meant to get packages from her? Her letters make it to me, so I doubt she screwed up the address. If she is lying to me, then she’s one talented actress because she truly did sound sincere about it.

I awoke at 8:00, right as the power went out. My first thought was - oh, no! God took our water and now he’s taken our electricity! But an hour later it was back on.

I’m airing the house out right now, even though it’s still cool out. I just wish the house didn’t have to smell like horses! A part of me misses summer, but summers in Arizona are very long and expensive. This cold spell won’t last long at all. In three months we’ll be sweating our asses off again.

130 days till I can send the letter and hope to hell she gets it if she doesn’t call me first.

I was thinking about Paula and Marilyn. I wonder - would Paula have gotten more jail time and less community service if she wasn’t on disability? But Marilyn was on disability, yet she got 6 months for hooking, while Paula got just 3 for assault, one of the “victims” being an oh-so-precious pig. Though I believe Marilyn told me she didn’t have probation when she got out, which makes no sense, as honest as she seemed, it just goes to show how much stricter Arizona is. Especially if you’re white, female, Jewish, or all of the above.

There I was, wishing Mary would get the hell out of Estrella, only to end up hoping she stays there at least till May, so she can tell me if Teddy Bear returns. Of course, there’s always the chance, as slim as it is, that she returns on April 1st, but never works M Dorm between then and May. I think she’ll be at Madison for at least a year, though.

Later…

My stomach is on the fritz again, though I don’t know why.

I’m caught up on Mary’s work, and now I’m doing my own.

This weekend Tom will be working on the really cool CD he’s making for Mom, Mary and Dave, loaded with games and so much more for Christmas. It may not cost $6000, but it’s cool.

Tom got a bonus of $500 at work. Most of it will go to bills, as usual. God, I’m sick of 95% of our money going to bills! I wish there was more left over for us to have fun with. Well, we’re going to have fun with a little bit of it one of these days soon and hit the casino on the reservation here.

You know, after all this time, it just occurred to me that meant to be or not, I’m going to get so so punished by God if Teddy Bear and I get it on with each other. But I don’t care. I already made up my mind. I want her, and if I can have her, I will, and if God wants to see me as some evil adulteress in need of yet another round of torment - let him.

I’ve been sleeping really weird lately. I wake up a lot for no apparent reason and I either sleep a long, long time or not enough time. This is the second day in a row that I didn’t sleep enough, and my schedule backed up by nearly 12 hours. I guess that’s a good thing, though, with them booming by every day. I wonder if they’re going to pick up again with this after the holidays. If they are, then they’re gonna be at it till March, unless a plane goes down or there’s another terrorist attack.

I wonder if Teddy Bear will call right before my letter’s due, figuring that I won’t know about her transfer and that any letter sent to Estrella may not get forwarded to her. I’d like to think she’d want to see me bad enough to, but I don’t know. Right now my guess is that as long as she never hears from me again, I won’t hear from her again. So, I’d better hope to hell I get my letter to her one way or another.

The night I found out about the transfer, I had more Teddy Bear dreams than ever. It made me wonder, once again, if it weren’t a sign saying she was in my future.

I’m having a little period. Why can’t I bleed just once a month? Huh? Instead, I have mid-cycle bleeding nearly every month, and I usually spot for a week to 10 days prior to my period.

Later...

Tom and I went to Circle K for some treats, since it’s getting closer to my diet. I’m going to start on December 28th, which will be a grocery day.

Today we worked on straightening the bars that those fucking pigs had us fuck up, but we need a blow torch because some of the welds popped off. I suppose this is my punishment for killing the pig I never should’ve gotten.

We started making Barbie stands, and so far, the prototype we created is pretty cool. It’s just that we need to buy more epoxy.

I decided to change my bio order around a bit. Rather than having 5 sections - currently, preteens, teens, 20s, 30s, I think I’ll make the “currently” section my “prologue,” and then have parts and chapters. Meaning the “preteens” will be a part, and then there’ll be chapters within that part, like “The Beach,” “School,” “Family,” etc.

Got a Christmas card and a manila envelope containing a letter and story drafts from Mary today. I also got some news from her that could be bad. I don’t know. I’m not sure what to think. Teddy Bear left Estrella and is now at Madison. She said she asked a DO nonchalantly where she was and that’s how she found out. She thinks even Palma could be there. Thank God for Mary for being my inside source of info! I guess this means I’ll be sending my letter to Madison in May instead.

Tom had said this could happen, too. He said they’re county employees and they get moved around a lot. He said she might only be there throughout the holidays since that’s the central booking station and there are more arrests around the holidays, and maybe she’ll be back at Estrella by May. He agreed with me when I suggested Teddy Bear didn’t know last April that she’d be going to Madison. She certainly didn’t act like she knew when we were talking about my sending her a letter.

I wish I knew what was going on. Did Teddy Bear request to go to Madison? Or was she involuntarily transferred, and either way, exactly why is she at Madison?

Although he hasn’t said so, I get the feeling Tom’s tired of hearing about Teddy Bear. He said it’s like I never came back from jail.

I came back, alright. I just miss my bear. It has nothing to do with Tom. It’s not that he’s bad or not good enough. I’d love and miss her whether I knew Tom or not. It makes me wonder, though - would Teddy Bear cause problems for Tom and I (not intentionally) like Kim did? Well, it’s just a chance I’ll take if we truly ever do meet again. I don’t know what to think about that at this point. It’s still too far away for me to get any accurate vibes on. I would think that by March at the latest, I should start sensing something. I guess it’s a good thing I gave her our address/number, though she may be too shy to be the one to make the first move. Maybe we are meant to be and God used Mary as a way to inform me of the transfer so I can write to her there. Either way, if we’re meant to be like I always said, we will be. It’s just that I have so many mixed emotions about both Tom and the bear! I have absolutely no lust for my husband whatsoever, yet I love the man and have no desire to leave him, after all we’ve been through and done together, both good and bad. As for the bear, a part of me wishes we never met, or at least never fell for each other. It’d be so much easier. Also, it hurts knowing we’ll never be together, and I really think we’d have had a good relationship. I think I would’ve been very happy (the fantasy of us together, both in and out of bed, sure seems pretty good anyway). I think that as long as she accepted me as I was, we’d have been very compatible. Probably even in bed, too. I’d have loved to be with an Officer, even if her beat was the jail and not the streets, that I was attracted to and got along with. I’d have been so proud to be with her and to be seen with her. It’s not that I’m not proud of Tom, who’s no doubt the smartest person alive, as smart as the bear is, it’s just that he doesn’t turn me on in the way she does.

For Tom’s sake, though, even though I am who I am, as he says, and I appreciate his tolerance and acceptance, I’ll make a point of talking about jail-related and bear-related issues less.

Mary said that although she didn’t say anything, Ida knew I liked the bear. Yeah, I guess I could’ve mentioned it. Also, she probably noticed that she liked me when we’d chat, while I was still too blind to see it myself.

She also said that she has a friend whose brother-in-law is a publisher, and asked me to send her copies of what she has so far, so she can send them to him. The drafts she sent me are confusing, which she admits. She’s changed her writing style a bit so it’s not self-narrated, which she thinks sounds more journalish. Nonetheless, I’ll make sense of the drafts, but probably not tonight. My mind’s been too preoccupied with absorbing this Madison transfer and with all kinds of speculations about it and whether or not I’ll still see her.

Another wild mouse has come and gone. I saw it late last night come up from the vent in the living room. I set up the trap by the refrigerator, but it trapped itself this afternoon in our empty garbage pail instead. It was so cute sitting down there, not being able to jump high enough to get out. Tom dumped it by the wash just beyond our property.

I spoke to Paula earlier. I called her and hung up after a few rings. I figured she wouldn’t be there because I thought she’d want to get out and get away from the neighbors, but she called back, saying they’d been getting along better lately.

Even so, she said she may end up in jail again cuz she got into it with this lady whose daughter’s been bullying Justin for a couple of years. She said the only reason she didn’t hit her was that the kids were all watching. Some detective came out to talk to her, too.

If all she did was scream at the woman, especially in Massachusetts, she shouldn’t have anything to worry about, but for a detective to come out to talk to her tells me there may be more involved.

She said it took her only a year to do her community service because she did 40 hours a week (she’s on-call as a housekeeper right now). Then why is she on disability, if she can handle a full-time job?

She said she mailed the doll on the day of my birthday. That was two weeks ago, just about. I guess it could take 2-3 weeks if she mailed it 3rd-class. That’s how long it’d take those Ashton-Drake dolls to get to me. I think it’ll come this week, as long as she didn’t screw up the address.

The tapes are growing on her, she said, which I was glad to hear. She’s going to take my advice and get digital cable, so she can hook up a tape deck to the TV and record music from the commercial-free channels.

She said the indigent packages in the jail she was in included Life-Savers. Damn! You certainly didn’t get that in Estrella.

She also said she may have ovarian cancer and has had a lot of pain and bleeding.

There are 4 inches of snow there, and I guess that’s it. Hopefully, she won’t go to jail and lose her Section 8. I advised her not to talk to any more pigs without counsel present, not that counsel, especially if it’s a public pretender, wouldn’t be just as manipulative and out to get her.

I’d be getting $675 if I was still there, but that $440 apartment would now be $600 so it wouldn’t do me much good.

I went and checked up on Little Miss I’m Indifferent, but couldn’t find anything past her last release date.

I still plan on dieting after the New Year, but I’m going to settle for losing just 15 pounds and getting down to 105. No more regular gourmet coffee for me, though! They’re so loaded with caffeine that I end up staying up for nearly 24 hours with just 2-3 cups. If I get any more, it’ll have to be decaf.

Down to 135 days till I can send my Teddy Bear her letter!

Anyway, Tom and I discussed it, and it looks like we’re not going to bother with exterior fencing. Why spend thousands of dollars just to keep dogs out and to keep people out who’ll get in any way, if they really want to? Instead, we’re going to put up an interior fence if we get a dog, and make wall hedges out of bushy plants in back and on the side that the freeloaders are on for more privacy.

Tom installed the newer sound card on my MP3 computer and the sound is much better.

Also, Gina misses me. Yeah, he saw her when he was dumping off some stuff. She said that if they ever get in a position to pay somebody, she’ll definitely contact me. She said the community workers they’ve currently got do such a shitty job that bottles are always being sent back to her.

Tom says I may need a new battery and that that’s why my timer’s off. Today it told me it was yesterday.

I’m a little stressed out now, thanks to the freeloaders, but that’s only because I have to report today. I try not to let this shit intimidate me or nerve me up, but you just never know what to expect. I could end up not coming back home today for God knows what dumb-ass reason. I don’t have a bad vibe, though.

I keep telling myself, but you didn’t do anything! But that doesn’t matter, as I’ve learned. For a minute there I thought I should pack the dolls, or whatever, before each report day, but that’d be silly. Only because if worse came to worse and he did throw me in jail, I wouldn’t be there for 6 months. I wouldn’t even be there for 6 days. I’d be bonded out and then they’d never see me again.

I just hope Tom’s right when he says he thinks I won’t ever have to pee in front of anyone as long as I stick to reporting here in town.

I’m going to try, once again, to stay on a day schedule cuz they’ve been booming every fucking day. Every single fucking day. It used to be that they’d do it 2-3 times a week, but this time around, it’s been a daily occurrence, though only one set per day. In the past, I’d hear a series of booms a few times a day on the days they’d fly. Now, I only hear a couple of booms once a day, but it only takes a second to wake up a light sleeper like myself. They seem to boom by between 10 AM and 4 PM.

I can’t seem to get a hold of Paula during the daytime. Makes me wonder if she either got a job or is doing all that community service, though, for some reason, I thought she was done with all that. I’ll have to ask her about it when we talk.

Later…

I’m home! And I’m free! Yes, it’s always a relief after I’ve seen Scot without any problems. I’m always so stressed out right before I see him cuz I just never know if I’ll be coming home. I just can never know what surprises may be pulled on me, despite my vibes and innocence. Knowing I’ll have to go through this shit 40-something more times isn’t very comforting, either, on top of the everyday paranoia over what pigs/freeloaders may come to the house.

Once again, if the freeloaders are going to cower behind the law and use the law to get at me, they’ll probably wait till right before the probation ends. If they’re going to go after the house, since they wouldn’t have the balls to face us, they’ll probably do it right after the probation ends.

This old lady, who may even be older than Ida, and who I thought would never shut up, was in front of us. During their discussion, I learned that Scot’s got about 75 clients, and I was like damn! That’s a lot. I thought he’d have around 25-30. That’s good, though. It could prevent him from picking on me if he decides he doesn’t like me since he’s obviously pressed for time. This may be why he hasn’t been out here in so long. Maybe he would be bugging me here twice a month if he had only 25 clients. I think he’ll be here before the month is out, though.

Surprisingly, he didn’t test me. Next time he will, though.

Tom got me to see something like never before. I mean, I just didn’t realize it in the past. Especially since I’m not from here. I still believe, and I always will, that this was a case of a non-white against a white in a day and age where the courts cater to non-whites, and that due to my being white and female, is part of why I went down (I’d still like to believe Teddy Bear’s a part of why all this shit was meant to be, too). But it was mostly a Jewish/Muslim thing. Arizona’s very anti-Jewish, as Tom explained to me. Muslims are just as fucked as Middle Eastern terrorists. In fact, a lot of the terrorists involved in the September bombings were trained here in Arizona because there’s such a huge Muslim influence within law enforcement out here that allows other Muslims to do illegal things and get away with it. So, whether or not the pig was Muslim, he had to have known through interacting with the freeloaders that they were, and he had to have known I was Jewish, but it’s so asinine cuz I’m not. I’m not Jewish, I’m not Catholic, I’m not protestant - I’m not religious. Period. I’m just me.

Andy actually had the balls to try to convince me that Jews were blessed by God, and I was like - yeah, right! Is that why he had so many millions of them killed? Is that why the bulk of my life’s been so shitty? Yeah, Andy, I’m really blessed! Truthfully, I am blessed. It’s just that for every one blessing I have, I have about a thousand curses.

Tom feels it’s wrong to hate any particular group of people and that people are individuals, but I disagree with that. It depends on the group. How many gays or Indians rip off our welfare system and fuck people over the way freeloaders do? I’m sorry, but the balance between good and bad when it comes to certain minorities is like night and day. Most whites are no good too, but the ratio isn’t nearly as extreme as it is with some others.

I never would’ve ended up in jail, Tom says, if I wasn’t Jewish. Yeah, probably not, nor would I if the pig and black bitch hadn’t been friends, but I still Arizona is a ridiculously strict state. I was in the system long enough to see that, and I still think they’re particularly hard on white females.

I still think I should’ve handled it my way from the get-go and that I should’ve kicked her ass. I’d have gotten less time. Supposedly, the reason this state goes harder on the lesser crimes, whether you did it or not, is to deter you from graduating to committing bigger crimes.

Anyway, I’m going to make a little addition to my jailhouse journal intro.

I’ve been trying for the last couple of days to reach Paula, but haven’t been able to. Oh well. So she’ll hear what’s going on in my life through the mail. I’ll still call her, though, and let her know when I get the doll if I do get it. I’ll just leave her a message if she doesn’t answer.

It was absolutely freezing this morning at just 32°. You could see the frost covering things when the sun came up.

Mom gave Tom a birthday card to give to me with a $36 check. She gave him a dozen pairs of pants, though they’re a bit tight on him. I guess somebody was donating stuff. He says it’ll encourage him to lose a little weight. He probably wouldn’t have to lose much more than 10-15 pounds.

Since it’s been a couple of weeks since I worked on my bio, I think I’ll go do that now. Or maybe I’ll get my workout over with first.

Later…

This is the second time my computer has jumped a day ahead, and I can’t get it to display PM times. When I hit the hotkey to insert the time, it said 3:07 AM and I had to change it to PM.

Anyway, it’s 55° out. I doubt it’ll make 60°.

Another Scotless week. That’s truly amazing, not that I can complain. I’m sure I can blame my upset stomach on the freeloaders, though. That’s because I know I’m in for a test either the next time I see him or the time after that and the thought of having to pee in front of someone, if he’s got someone available, makes me sick. Sick with humiliation and rage! It’s so totally wrong. It’s like being ordered to strip by someone and then stared down by them. Normally I don’t give a shit what people see or think. After all, I did work as a stripper. But this is different. It’s degrading, it’s sickening, and it’s unfair. Guilty or not, I’m supposed to be a stalker. Not a druggie.

Yesterday morning I was so stressed out. In fact, I stressed down to 119 pounds, thanks to the freeloaders. How can I take another two years of being their victim? How?! Aaarrrggghhh!!!

It was 7 AM. I’d been up 19 hours and was wondering how I could flip my schedule by Friday. If I can’t see Scot on Friday, I could always see him next Friday in Casa Grande. It’s just that there, in an office where POs work, I’d be risking having to pee with a witness. I managed to stay up 23 hours with the help of lots of coffee, but it wasn’t just stress that kept me up so long. As tired as I was, I’d be wary of falling asleep, knowing he could come pounding on the door, or they could be booming by. The rain, though, is what I think kept these things from happening.

Oh, what these freeloaders have done to my life! Yes, it could be worse, but this is bad enough, and my anger and frustration are further fueled by knowing God’s protecting these people. I’d bet my favorite dolls that their lives have been absolutely wonderful since the day I was sentenced, and probably even sooner.

I wish Scot would hurry up and get his ass over here to ask me the same damn questions so I could know that that’d be one less thing to bug me for a few months or so since I doubt he’d start coming more often. You never know, though. Never underestimate the system or the people in it! Anyway, I don’t care what he thinks or what he writes about me. He can call me anything from jumpy to crazy. He can love me or he can hate me. It’s what he does that matters, and again, he’d only be hurting himself to get at me. He wouldn’t know that, though, so I guess he’d just have to find that out the hard way. From the way he acts, though, and the things he’s said, I’d say he’d like to keep his job. He seems every bit of a dedicated professional as Teddy Bear.

My knees ache more when it rains (it’s a good thing this isn’t MA) so it makes me think it’s the joints that are the problem.

Anyway, Tom copied all my MP3 files and this morning when he gets up, we’ll hook a computer up to my stereo. I think I’m really going to enjoy this new setup much better than the last. I’m glad I didn’t get a CD changer or an MP3 changer. I’m also glad I didn’t get Marisa, and I probably never will.

Yes, I’ve got major doll news. The night before last, I was browsing lifelike doll sites just out of curiosity when I came across this spectacular Indian doll called Joy. She’s a commercial mold and has been made up as a black doll, an Asian doll, even a blond. As always, though, I prefer dark eyes and long straight dark hair, and will probably get her made up as either Indian or Asian. The cheapest we could find her was $250. I just wish to hell I had a job so I could get things like this more often! No sense in dwelling on what can’t be, though. So, I plan to save up for her, but for now, I’ve decided to spend my birthday/Christmas money on what I found last night.

I came across a site called Paradise Galleries and couldn’t believe the prices their lifelikes were selling for! They had dolls just as big and as realistic as Bailey that I thought would be $200 - $300, but they were $60! They had Indian dolls like my $125 Pine Leaf and Sacajawea for $40, and ballerinas on musical stands that twirl like my $100 Patrice and Colette for just an incredible $25!

Anyway, I chose 3 dolls very unlike any I have pose-wise. One lays on her stomach with her knees bent upward. She’s a fairy doll named Twinkle in a pink outfit. She’s a 22” with blond hair and blue eyes. You can see her front upper teeth really well. I’ve always wanted a “toothy” doll like Joy, who has a huge smile that shows 6 upper teeth and 10 lower.

I also chose a couple of Indian dolls. A 22” kneeling doll (Praying Spirit) whose eyes are riveted upward with her hands clasped in prayer, and a 19” sitting Indian doll (Spirit of the Sky). Her pose is similar to Marisa’s.

Slowly but surely, I’m going to replace my cheapies with lifelike dolls. As it is, I’ve got about 7 phonies packed away.

Nowadays I prefer dolls that aren’t too big cuz then they get to be a bitch. A 32” doll like Jade is a bit small for the floor, yet too big for furniture.

Later…

We got the computer set up that’s to be my little music station. It’s great, but the sound needs improvement. It’s a little muffled. Tom said he has other sound cards of better quality.

Instead of going into a directory with folders to play music, I put my music folders directly on my desktop. I have them grouped two letters at a time, like a-b, c-d, etc., though Linda and Gloria have their own folders.

Paula left me a message saying she did send the doll, but she didn’t say when. She also said she didn’t like the tape because a lot of the songs were too slow. She should’ve told me this when I asked her what she wanted. Instead, she told me to surprise her. She said she could send the tapes back, but I told her she didn’t have to do that.

It was drizzling a bit. It’s quite damp out there now and there’s some fog, too. It’s been cold. It was 35° early this morning. I just wish we had some woods out here! That’d block sound and give us more privacy.

It just dawned on me that I may never have described how much nicer Florence was than Estrella, not that I’d ever care to return to any jail. You get a blanket at intake unlike at Estrella, and the cells are way nicer. The windows are bigger and lower, and each pod has two DOs in it, and you’d flip a switch inside your cell when you wanted out. I’m talking about the open pod I was taken to after I left the holding tank.

Last night I was full of Scot anxieties. He was really eating at my nerves.

Relax, I tried telling myself over and over. If he does anything to fuck with you, your life isn’t the only one that’d be miserable. He would only have to pay the consequences for harassing you, if he started to do so, so just don’t let him, or any other “authority figure,” intimidate you. If he thinks he can intimidate you, he’ll take advantage of you like a vicious dog that preys on fear.

Yes, Scot, you’d only be sinking your own self to get at me, if you should ever get any stupid ideas.

I just feel so open, vulnerable and exposed to pigs and freeloaders being on land and in this state, but on a boat, no freeloaders, pigs or nosy passersby could just drive up. It takes nothing. Nothing at all. I mean, all Scot or some pig would have to do is simply decide they don’t like me for whatever reason, and they could come and get me anytime for anything, no matter how innocent I was. I know the corruption ring is a 24-hour operation, but it seems the only time I feel at ease is at night or on weekends. I guess all I can do is try to put Scot, the pigs and freeloaders out of my mind as much as possible, wait it out and hope for the best. It’s just that I’ve got years to wait this bullshit out, and then who knows what else may happen after that? I’d like to think that they won’t bring any more bogus charges against me right at the end, shoot at the house or torch it, but you just never know. These are very sick people and they know right where we are. This shit ends on 10/2003, so maybe by ‘05, if I can get that far without them popping up into my life for the millionth time, only then might I begin to breathe easier and believe I finally managed to lose them from my life for good, but we’ll see.

As for Scot, it isn’t just about power and control, it’s about money. The client/PO thing is a business just like any other. And just like a hairdresser doesn’t want to lose clients, neither do POs. The more clients, the more money and the merrier the state is, and Scot’s nothing more than one of their little drones. So for a “bonus,” he could be tempted to do all he can to extend a person’s probation. He may not be a Misery, but he’s no cool dude, either. So far, he’s kind of in the middle. Better to be in the middle than at the worst end of the stick, but after all I’ve been through, I can’t and won’t trust anyone, even though I think he’ll be okay.

Now I know why they ask you before sentencing if you intend to fight the outcome. Because I was told I’d get a year of probation, I had no reason to answer yes to that question. As soon as you say no, they know they can go harder on you and not have to deal with a fight. So, saying no is like saying you’ll take their shit, no matter how unfair/ridiculous it is.

If only I’d said yes and gone to trial!

At least I met my Teddy Bear. Thank God for that much. At least some blessing came from this curse. This freeloader curse I can’t seem to escape!

I had a scary moment this afternoon. I was standing in my office, chatting with Tom, when I felt something crawling on the back of my leg near my ankle. All in the space of a second, I looked back, saw it was a bee, and swatted it off of me without getting stung. It hit the floor in a daze and I sprayed it with Raid.

I got a new MP3 player and it’s so cool. A little small, but what’s cool about it is that you can download different “skins” for it, which are pictures, colors or designs. It’s a lot like browsing for wallpaper. I have a lot of the same things I have as wallpaper - flowers, animals, scenery.

No, Mary hasn’t gone away. But that’s okay. She shocked the shit out of me with a nice letter, assuring me she was not the least bit mad at me. She tried sending one a few weeks ago, but it was returned to her. I guess they couldn’t read her sloppy handwriting.

Anyway, everything all makes sense now; all the vibes, etc. Here I was thinking it was me she was pissed at, yet all the while it was Ida she was really pissed at! So, those few days of stressing out over bad vibes must’ve been emanating from her due to her Ida troubles. And of course, the bad vibes suddenly died when Ida was released.

In her letter, she didn’t mention Teddy Bear, but she insists she tore up the book excerpts. So, I assume Ida knows nothing about the bear and I and that nothing’s been said to her.

I explained to Mary why I thought she dumped me, which I’m sure she’ll get quite a kick out of, and told her that if Ida did get my PO box address from her since I doubt Ida could’ve memorized it - okay. It’s just a PO Box and not the house address. However, in the future, and I’m sure she’ll agree to this, we better not mention that we’re pals to anyone we both know, like Hope, to avoid going through all this stress and confusion again! Not that she can’t tell me how she’s getting along with Hope, of course, who she says she’ll be celling with.

Yes, Hope is still there. I’m sure Teresa is, too.

All I asked about the bear is how often she works M Dorm, and if she still wears her hair in a braid, or if it’s long enough now where she has to put it up.

I also asked if the “palm tree” has been there.

I totally hear her, as far as Ida goes, and I told her so.

Mary said she told her what she told me - that she was indifferent to her. Yeah, she’s “indifferent” to everyone and everything, and yes, her pacing drove me utterly insane, too.

Mary had me laughing my ass off when she said Ida followed her around the dayroom, begging her to make a call for her. I can totally picture it, too!

I was also cracking up a storm about a certain DO we’d weird out on that she mentioned. She was doing her punk-rocker routine for Bryant again.

Ida told her she was self-contained. With me it was…let’s see…what was I? I believe I was spoiled, self-absorbed, ungrateful and conceited, I told her.

She mentioned that she may’ve found a publisher, but as I told her, we’re still a ways away from that. First we have to get it all written/edited. She said she wrote a lot of the book, so I guess she’ll send it to me eventually.

Well, I’m just glad everything’s okay, as I told her, though I’m very sorry she’s been filled with frustration, anger and sadness like she told me. Hopefully, she’ll get along better with Hope and they’ll be together for a while.

As for my own book - I’m glad she liked my intro, I told her, but it’d be best to wait and let her read the whole thing when she comes to our house.

She remembered my birthday, and I told her about the well crisis.

As for Ida’s saying I used her - that’s just all talk from Ida. Yeah, that woman has caused more stress and anger than crazy Melinda and Nancy combined! She never felt used, and actually, she used that note as ammo against her, in a sense, from what she said.

When the pacing would get on her nerves, she’d sit in the middle of the floor and meditate.

So, the Germ has a pretrial conference coming up, so she’ll no doubt return to jail at some point. I’m beginning to wonder if Mary will ever get out of there and go to Florida to stand trial in the Gretchen case, and yeah, I truly believe she was at work when her ex killed her. She’s no Myra or Mindy, who you just know are guilty as hell.

We have a few projects lined up for this weekend, though I doubt we’ll be able to complete them all. One of the things we’d like to do is straighten the bars that go to the rat’s cage that we bent on account of those damn pigs. These wire shelves are working out great and I want to put the cage up to its full height of almost 5’ and add more shelves. We’re going to thread wire through the largest gaps in the bars so rats as small as Little Buddy can’t escape, although Little Buddy’s no small rat compared to your average wild rat! Fancy rats and mice are bigger and more colorful than the norm.

I also want to make a few Barbie stands so I can stand some of the ones in long dresses without having to lean them against something. That shouldn’t be too hard to do. All we need is a little platform with a stick in the middle that her crotch will rest on.

I want to create another computer set-up with all my MP3s so I can hopefully avoid getting an MP3 player. If I can set up a more convenient setup than I had the last time, I can get that Marisa doll I’ve been wanting for years.

I’ve finished ripping all my CDs. I have about 670 songs. I even made some shortcut icons on my desktop of some of my favorites. They block half of my wallpaper pictures, but it’s just so cool having them there. When I go to work out, I click a few icons so I can work out to music.

Speaking of working out, it really does help control my weight. I wasn’t working out for about 5 days during the well shit we went through and got up to 124 pounds. Now I’m back to 120. So, it won’t get me thin, but it’d keep me around 120. If I were to quit working out, who knows how high my weight would go?

Next door’s black cat (I think it’s next door’s) hangs out by the house at times. I don’t mind cats. Dogs I do mind. The cat was always timid in the past, but this time it came running up to the house when it saw/heard me in the window, and when I opened the window and said hi to it, it rolled around on the ground playfully.

I made the most realistic doll setup yet. It’s frighteningly realistic! I have Jade leaning over hugging my big stuffed dog. Both the dog and the doll look scary-real! Of course, if we get Pepper I’ll have to move Jade so he doesn’t run into her. With all the space in here, though, compared to Mary’s, he shouldn’t bump into too many things.

We went out today and our first stop was to see Scot, whose face is fatter each time I see it, and who said I seemed jumpy. Tom explained I was impatient, and I told him I was just looking forward to getting out and playing golf. The rude cock that was before me was holding me up by not giving me a form to get started on. (they’re all on this big clipboard-like thing)

I can’t put a finger on it, but there’s something about Scot that’s bugging me. It’s not like I think he’s going to throw me in jail, but it’s almost like he’s itching to hassle me in some way. And knowing that most of the people within the corrupt system are high on control doesn’t help ease my worries. Hopefully, I’m just being paranoid. I mean, how could I not be? I’ve been lied to and manipulated by so many cops. I was bullshitted by two pigs in Springfield in regard to phone calls, then that white cop came to sic that Robin H bullshit story on me, then the black pig tells me his load of bull. So, why should I trust any of them?

He seemed tempted to test me for drugs, but Tom thinks he didn’t because it wasn’t convenient at the moment for him to do so. Well, I know that if I don’t get tested next week, I will in January for sure. I just hope I get to do this fucking shit alone!

Fuck you mother-fucking freeloaders! It’s like - aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Get out of my life for once and for all and stay out of it forever!!!

He made a comment about my being over a year into the sentence.

What? Is that supposed to make me feel better?

He also said he tried to get out here yesterday, and I was like, aw, too bad. I’m just oh so sorry you couldn’t make it. So, he’ll bug me next week and fuck up my schedule that I’ll be trying to flip.

Ok, enough with the freeloaders, pigs and corruption.

After grabbing a few things at Circle K, we went to Fiddlesticks to play miniature golf. This place wasn’t nearly as nice as Castles & Coasters, which is so far away from us now, but we still had fun.

I got a dozen or so books at the bookstore, and he went into a car parts store. He thought he bought a pair of windshield wipers, but then once we got in the car, he noticed that there was only one in the package.

At Osco drugstore, I got a few colorful, shiny things. Their porcelain dolls were boring, but I got a redheaded, freckled-faced Barbie. Midge is its pitiful name. It’s part of the series with the sculpted tummies in 2-piece swimsuits. Some of the Barbies I have (they’re all Barbies to me, regardless of their hair/skin colors) have waist-length hair and others are just past the ass.

For my own hair that’s just a couple inches from my ass, I got a hair tie not quite like anything I’ve ever had. They had hairy hair ties. Some had regular hair colors; brown, and blond, but I got neon pink. The hairs are a few inches long with tiny braids scattered throughout them. It’s a bitch to get out of my hair after I put it in a ponytail, though, cuz it gets tangled in my own hair, so when I put my hair in a braid, I use it for that. That way it’s at the ends of my hair.

I got chocolate lip gloss, watermelon body mist, glittery nail polish with bigger chunks of glitter in it, and a Christmas card for Mom, Mary and Dave, thanking them for all their help.

Our last stop was at a fast-food drive-through.

Still ripping CDs. It’s so cool, having them all on the computer. A part of me is tempted to forget about getting an MP3 player and getting that Marisa doll I’ve been wanting instead. We’ll see. I’ll have to go to the store myself to check it out.

I let myself sleep in till I woke up on my own with no alarms. It was nice to know I didn’t have to worry about them waking me up to get the rig since they got it yesterday. For someone who needs 10-11 hours of sleep every few days and who hasn’t slept that long in about a week, I thought I would sleep till noon after falling asleep at 2 AM. Instead, I got up at 10:00 when I had to pee. I slept right through, though, without waking up to pee or just because. With the booms increasing in frequency and volume, I don’t know if I’ll be able to do a rollover between this Friday and next.

When Scot first told me I’d be seeing him every 1st and 3rd Friday of the month instead of the 1st and 2nd, I didn’t like the idea of it because I’d get two whole weeks off from him. Now, though, I won’t feel so pressured by having just one week in between to flip my schedule.

There’s been no activity in back for the last few days.

Although I know that logically I have nothing to worry about, I just hope to hell that Mary and Ida really have gone away, whether or not they took my bear with them. It’s just that I’ve learned that sometimes people aren’t always through with you when you think they are. I really thought Mr. Bias, after not hearing anything for over 6 months, truly took himself and his precious freeloaders out of our lives for good, only to pop back into the picture later on when I least expected it. I suppose, though, that it’s silly of me to think I could be thrown back in jail in 6 months on account of Mary or Ida. Wouldn’t Scot have come for me by now for that shit? Also, I’d like to think Scot would simply tell me not to write to them, which is certainly no problem for me than just wanting to throw me in jail without even a warning. I can see him throwing someone in jail without any second chances if they were smashed or toting weapons, but for writing to someone in jail? I’d hope not unless they continued to write to them.

My 36th birthday has been like any ordinary day, since we made a day of it last Friday and plan to make a day of it this Friday, too.

One good thing about this birthday was knowing that Dureen and Art wouldn’t be calling, and I wouldn’t have to worry about putting on a show for them, so to speak, by feeling obligated to tell them what they wanted to hear.

Walter woke me up an hour before I planned on getting up, but we all know how much God loves to see me woken up anyway. And all just to get his trailer. Couldn’t he have brought someone to get the rig in too, and have this well shit done and over with? At least for now, anyway. People are nosy out here. We don’t need anything like this rig attracting any more unwanted attention.

You come out here to get away from people, yet they won’t leave you alone! First there was Dan, then the pigs, then George had to invite himself over twice, and then his workers had to nose into our business.

So what’s taking the people in Dan’s house so long to mosey on over? And how about the renters?

Anyway, the house half that was sitting across from George’s lot disappeared. They were grating Meadow Green and Ralston last night, so I thought, but according to Tom, those roads are still as nasty as usual, so I don’t know what they were doing, or where that house half went. Tom thought it may be two properties away from Dan’s when he was out earlier. Who knows? It sure looked like the piece of shit George gets, and we figured that that might’ve been why he was taking so long to hook the electric up to the last house; because he planned on doing both at once. This is the only property in this area he owns, according to Tom, and there’s nothing on the other side of his land. Why couldn’t there be nothing between us and the rentals? Like God would ever have it that way - right! I swear this house and the Phoenix house had signs on them saying: Non-whites and renters, live next to us!

The only white owners that we know of that are anywhere near us are the people at Dan’s, and they’re not always quiet themselves between their dog and music. Yes, it’s the freeloaders that are particularly obnoxious, but it’s an Arizona thing too, no matter what you are. You leave your dogs outside to bark, you share your music with others, etc.

Don’t get me wrong, though, this place isn’t Phoenix. Not even close. Someday it will be just as crowded and as noisy, but for however long we’re here, it can’t possibly get to be as noisy with the houses this far apart, and this house is so big and modern compared to the old little dump we had, so it could never be as bad as Phoenix (I hope!). Even so, the thought of one day living on a boat in the middle of the ocean really appeals to me. It’s just so hard to believe in Tom’s undying optimism and believe we could ever afford it. Why would God, after watching us struggle for so long, suddenly decide we should have money? Cuz one of us is Jewish?

Anyway, I sometimes swap the doll’s dresses and I swapped Giselle and Misha’s dresses. They look nice.

Earlier in the day, we had a huge spider sitting on top of our skylight (on the outside, fortunately!). It wasn’t as big as those tan spiders in Phoenix, but it sure made a daddy-long leg look puny! It was 2-3 inches in diameter with a very thick body and thick legs. I got a good shot of it and emailed it to Mary. That oughta make her day!

Still got about 50 CDs to rip. I haven’t worked on my bio for days.

I haven’t written much only because I’ve been busy ripping CDs.

Walter still hasn’t come for his rig and trailer. We gathered up the old wire and pipes and put them under the house so they’ll be protected from the ultraviolet rays of the sun.

We still have water, but there’s this funny smell coming from it. I hope it goes away soon.

The bird clock’s broken again, but what else is new? I didn’t expect it to keep on working.

Encrypting journals is a bitch, though it’s worth it. I just realized last night that every time I open up a doc file, a non-encrypted copy of it is created at the same time. So now I have to go delete temp files from two different places after I’ve closed a file.

George is in the process of having me a not-so-nice birthday present delivered. Yup, that fourth and final house is on its way in. Half of it is sitting across Meadow Green. At first I wondered if he owned that land too, with the way he’s been parking stuff on it, but that wouldn’t stop him from doing what he wanted. I doubt he owns that land, though, or else he’d have houses on it.

So I guess they’ll be working on this house for a month. Tom thinks the house will be centered behind the middle one, but with my luck, it’ll end up behind the one closest to us and it’ll be facing us, too. Won’t matter. It’s going to be so noisy back there either way.

Friday’s the day we decided we’d make a day of it and go miniature golfing, to the bookstore, to the drugstore (I want to pick Mom, Mary and Dave up a card), and maybe out to eat.

I don’t miss Teddy Bear as much as I did 3 or 4 months ago, but I still miss her and hope to see her next May. It’s still too far away for me to get a vibe on. Right now all I can do is hope.

Paula left a message saying she changed her number cuz some girl’s been driving her nuts. Too bad she wasn’t out here. She could get her hung for it. It’s a Puerto Rican, though, so maybe not. Anyway, I left her a message.

In good news, we got water last night at 6:30! Yeah, with one last-minute tease from God, too. I guess we went hog wild and pumped too much water at once because the water stopped towards the end of my shower. He had to go and vent the well cuz of something related to the pressure and the warm air escaping from the well. We’ll pick up a vent with a screen on it sometime soon. We used a lot of water at once, though I don’t expect we’ll do this regularly. We used water for 2 showers, 2 loads of dishes, and 3 loads of laundry.

It was nice to be able to clean the mice’s air filter today, too.

We got water just in time too, cuz the water was evaporating from the traps and it was starting to stink in here. I had to pour some of the last of the water down the drains.

Walter arrived with his nephew just after noon, saying he got stalled by a bunch of sheep, and I was like, by a bunch of sheep? Where? There’s no sheep around here that’d get in the way of cars. It made me wonder if the gods didn’t materialize them out of thin air as a last-minute insult. Once Walter got here, he said he was afraid to leave until it was done. I wouldn’t have wanted him to leave, that’s for sure.

He’s going to return today or tomorrow to pick up his rig. The rig with the wench has been sitting here ever since.

What pissed me the fuck off were the nosy workers from in back that invited themselves over to stick their noses where they didn’t belong. They just breezed right by the no-trespassing sign as if it didn’t exist. I’m sick of people driving onto our land to butt into our business. I can’t wait till we have fences. They could still get in, but not as easily.

We called Mary at work to let her know they made it out here, then again later on in the early evening. She was really happy for us. So was I!

In case I didn’t mention it yet, Tom fixed the bird clock that stopped chirping a couple of years ago. It’s nice to once again hear the birds chirp at the hour. We never could figure out why they stopped. Something about his taking the thing apart is what fixed it.

I’m getting ready to start ripping CDs into MP3s so that I don’t have to spend so much time doing that when I get the MP3 player. Ripping to MP3s takes longer than waves.

My birthday came early this year. Tom and I went to the grocery store in Casa Grande, and I got two new dolls! And one of them is a redhead! Finally, huh? It’s just like Teddy Bear’s, only a few shades darker. Darker than what I last saw her with, anyway. She was $20 and I named her Misha (that is a really cute and unique name) and she’s a 22” with gray eyes and a not-so-nice dress. It’s old-fashioned with gray wool, but I liked the face and hair color enough to feel her dress was worth it. I can maybe change it someday. It has pink rosebuds, velvet and lace trim, and a brown satin hem. I polished her nails brownish-gold. Her brown beaded necklace was glued on at the nape of the neck. I’ve never seen necklaces glued on before. Fortunately, her hat wasn’t glued on. It was sewn to her wig, so I could cut it off since I’m not big on hats. She doesn’t wear shoes. They’re white heels that are a part of her mold like Summer Dream’s.

I also painted Colette’s nails black and an old, cheap doll’s nails, alternating between pink and purple.

All the other 22” dolls wore wedding dresses. They were nice, though. One held a pink floral bouquet and another had gold accents on its dress so it wasn’t so boring being nothing but white, white, white. I wonder if this is what Paula meant when she was talking about dolls wearing white.

The second doll I got is another one of those 10” sitting musical dolls. This one’s dress is gorgeous. It’s an orchid dress with pink and blue trim with a touch of silver glitter. She has a melon-colored rosebud on her chest and on her white shoes. She has gold, curly hair and blue eyes. I named her Tiffany.

Tom got his computer working again, so that’s good.