I did some cleaning, did my workout, printed out the grocery list, so now I’m free to read, write, watch TV or whatever.

I was surprised to find I have a 29” waist at 125 pounds. I’m surprised it’s not 1-3 inches bigger. The combination of the crunches and the zapper really helps. It’s been a while since I’ve “dieted.” Working out won’t make me lose weight, but it’ll keep my weight where it’s at, and I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’m not going to lose weight. Just like you can’t have thin curly hair or thick straight hair, middle age and skinniness just don’t go together. Not without drugs, a serious lack of eating, or some medical problem. It’s simply not natural for 95% of those over 30 to be thin and I wouldn’t lose the weight even if I could. Why lose weight I’d only pack on two weeks later?

I’m pleased to see that Scot has skipped July altogether as far as bugging me here at home goes. I thought he would. More so, I hoped he would. I still don’t think I’m gonna get 3 months off from him here, though. I think the time I did was only a fluke. It makes no sense to come less often when I’ve got more of a reason to run and then start coming more often when that reason lessens a little with time. Something else was no doubt going on in his life that actually took higher priority than me.

Paula is one fucked up individual. It’s sad. It really is. I told her to dump this cock that filed charges on her that he dropped, warning her that things wouldn’t get better and that he’d probably file charges again. Well, she didn’t dump him and he did file charges again. So now she’s got a show-cause hearing on August 15th.

After asking myself numerous times how she can keep putting up with the same old shit from the same old types of guys, the answer’s as clear as it was when I asked myself that about Tammy. She likes it. She truly likes it. It’s both sad and sick, but some people are like that. No one can be so dumb and naïve as to just happen to get with the wrong guys this many times. She’s obviously actively seeking this type out. It’s bad enough that they’re cocks, most of which are sickos, but to make bad news even worse, these are Ricans she’s going after.

Just like there are pain freaks out there, there are stress freaks, too. I honestly believe she enjoys the stress, the anger and the frustration. She’s an aggressive person who loves a good fight. Paula would be absolutely miserable if she suddenly had a good life with good people in it. That’s just not for her.

I’m not going to bother emailing her because half the time Justin doesn’t let her see the email. In an email I sent last night, I said I wasn’t smart enough to figure out the Hairdini and maybe she could. Then Justin replies saying: yer smarter.

Yeah, I am. At least when it comes to who I hang with. One can only advise a person so many times not to hang with users and abusers whether or not they’re related to us, but it’s up to them to do what they’re going to do.

Her selfishness really irritates me at times. All she wants to do is bitch about her fucked up men when we talk. Never does she ask about me, about Tom, etc. She did ask if it was hot out here, but that’s about it. It gets so frustrating. I try to change the subject and talk about something more cheerful, but then she goes right back to the usual shit she cries about.

I’m going to be talking to her less and less and writing less and less, too. I’m sorry for her, but it gets old. It really does. I’m not going to “dump” her and I’m not going to try to change her. I’m not Dureen. But I am going to avoid contact with her more often. That is after I find out if she got the package okay, then, if I can get a word in edgewise throughout her non-stop babbling and bitching, I’ll see if I can find out what she thinks of the stuff.

I can relate to and understand her selfishness to a degree. Abuse tends to make a person selfish, cuz whether or not you get off on it, you’re so wrapped up in your day-to-day survival that you’re just not in a position to be thinking of others.

Paula is going to be one lucky bitch! Tom got a few boxes that are 18x18x18 and some bubble sheeting and I managed to squeeze all 15 dolls into one box. Then I added a few things like that Hairdini that drove me crazy trying to figure out, the messy comb-in pink streaks I didn’t like, a couple of rings, a bracelet, a necklace, a parrot watch I never wear, some dental floss, emery boards, glitter perfume, barrettes and a few other odds and ends. Of course I threw in the picture CD and a letter, too.

Rabbits and prairie dogs are hanging out front regularly now. I saw a prairie dog lay down for the first time ever. It lay up against the water bowl.

Got 4 envelopes from Mary today. Each had a brief 1-page letter. Most of it was book stuff. I got about 50 pages to type up. Fortunately, she numbered the envelopes so I’ll know what order to type stuff in. She worries she’s overwhelming me, but it’s not like I’m working full-time yet with dolls, so I have the extra time.

I will say this, though, and that’s that I’m glad I’m not the one who’s going to have to organize this book in the end! I’m just typing what she gives me, then some editor or publisher can take it from there.

She asked that I change words and sentence structuring when I feel it’s necessary. I told her I’d use my best judgment. I may change her directions for starters. She has Idiot’s dad referring to New York as “out there” from Florida. Well, typically Florida is “down there,” New York’s “up there,” and the West Coast is “out there.”

She asked for rainbow and storm pictures, so I printed out a few shots I took.

She asked if I was having fun watching all those storms. All those storms?! What storms? This has been the wimpiest monsoon season in the decade I’ve been out here. We’ve had lots of clouds and humidity, but shit for rain. I think Phoenix has gotten way more rain than we have.

If she’s truly guilty, then I’m glad Hope was found guilty like she said she was. She’s to be sentenced next month. She’s looking at 40 years which really means about 12. Even so, you’ve got a long time to do, Hope! I’d kill myself for damn sure!

I just cannot believe she’s had the same celly for over 6 months. Why couldn’t we have been cellies from New Year’s Day, the day we met, till I left?!

She’s hoping to stay in Estrella rather than be shipped to Florida. That’d be nice. I just wish I knew when Teddy Bear will return, if ever! Could be soon, could be years, could be never, though I’d think that at some point they’d stick her back there.

She says that where she goes and for how long is up to the judge, and she’s trying to do things like get her GED to help, but as I told her, I wouldn’t put too much stock in the judge acknowledging her efforts. I suggested she not count on him to be pleased with what she’s done to help herself. I’m only speaking from personal experience. I bent over backward for this state. I knew they’d want me to see a therapist, so I went out and got one before sentencing, yet the fucking cock of a judge had already made up his twisted mind, before he ever laid eyes on me, to go along with the DA’s ludicrous recommendation of 6 months for words on paper. I did this, I did that, but nobody gave me a chance. No one gave a damn.

She says she’ll be on heavy probation when she gets out, but is ok with that as long as she’s free, though I know she won’t be “free.” Freer than in jail or prison, but no one on probation or parole is “free.” I asked her what her probation will entail and for how long she’ll be on it once she’s out. If standard probation could be as overwhelming as it was for me in the first 5 months, I can only imagine what intense probation is like! Sure, anything’s better than jail/prison, but sometimes I’ve felt like my probation isn’t probation, but rather an extension of jail.

Oh, how I hear her as far as wishing for a laptop goes! I missed my computer so much while I was in jail. Can’t imagine life without it!

I was pleasantly surprised to get an email from Paula herself. First she called, but I was asleep. In the email, she answered my questions as to what colors she likes/dislikes (I was curious) and the answers couldn’t have been better. She said she likes red, purple, white and green and hates orange and black. Well, as it turns out, I have a doll for her in purple, a doll in red, 3 dolls in white and 3 in green. None in orange or black. I decided to take the gold dress I had on Anne and put it on the new Irish fairy I just got that came in a green outfit.

So, as it will turn out, she’ll get 1 doll in purple, 1 in red, 3 in white, 3 in green, 3 in blue, 1 in gray, 1 in rust, 1 in white with blue and another in white with sea green. There will be 1 redhead, 2 with black hair, 5 blondes and 7 brunettes. There’ll be 4 with blue eyes, 4 with green eyes, 5 with brown eyes, and 2 with gray eyes.

He cut the wood of Joy’s base, making it square at 9” in diameter, rather than a 12” circle. Then I cut a slit in the fabric to go through the stand’s pole. Then we tacked the material underneath.

No, the shower leak is not fixed after all. It looks like my worst fear is right and that it’s leaking from inside the wall, down out on the carpet in the front right corner of the shower stall itself, but you know what? As I said to Tom, we are not going to succumb to fixing every single goddamn leak in this house! Nor are we going to be reduced to fixing every single fucking thing that breaks. Especially when they shouldn’t be breaking so soon! If we spend our lives fixing everything that breaks, we won’t have a life. I’m at the point now where I’m so beyond fed up with our shit breaking that one tends to reach a point where they simply stop fixing things. I’ll shower in his shower from now on till that breaks too, many years sooner than it should.

I don’t know, maybe if whatever’s put the breakage curse on us sees that we won’t bother to up and run to fix things as soon as they break like broken car ACs and leaky showers, it’ll give us a break for a while. Yeah, for about a month.

Later…

I don’t believe this. I simply do not believe this! What broke today? Now the sprayer on the bug spray container burst!

“But the thing was old and they’re cheap and I can pick one up when I go out today to see my mom and do other errands.”

But I don’t care if the damn thing was old and cheap. He can play this down just like he does everything else, but I just want a week in our lives without breakage!!!

And a month without the freeloaders. That one’s impossible, though, of course, for quite a while, if ever. I know Scot is coming this week or next and I don’t want to be woken up. He hasn’t woken me up since February, so it just seems like it’s about time to lose sleep over these freeloaders yet again.

Always with me, always with them. Oh, how I want to believe 15 months is all I have left of this shit, but I can’t. I just can’t. First they told me it was over, then a handful of months later I was promised a year of probation and that I wouldn’t be jailed even if I were convicted, so why should I believe it’ll finally, truly be over in 15 months? There’s nothing to say that it will be. If I can go a whole year without the freeloaders controlling anything I do, anyplace I go, anything we spend our money on, then I’ll believe I’m finally free and clear of them. Until then, I’m still very much their victim, like it or not. They’re just victimizing me in different ways than they did during the first few years.

The sucky thing about his working nights is that his car’s here all day, but hey, I’ll decide when I let who into my house, so if Scot does stop by while I’m asleep – tough. I just wasn’t in the mood for company, I’ll tell him, and he’ll just have to live with that. If he’s not going to call first, then he’s going to have to deal with the fact that I just may not want company every now and then, though I’ve always let him in so far. That’s only because he either caught me when I was up, or it was before I put my foot down and made a no-playing-form-if-I’m-asleep rule.

I still want him to come around just once when I’m out, but I know God will never see to that. Even more so, I want him to come around when Tom’s not here and when I’m awake just so I can say “no” to the freeloaders. Never yet have I been able to say “no” to anything freeloader-related. I’d like to have that privilege if only once, but again, I doubt it’s an honor God would be willing to grant me. Protect thy freeloaders, you know? That’s God’s motto. Actually, it’s more like “Protect Jodi’s tormentors!” That’s his real motto.

And I thought those stormin’ Mormons were oh so bad compared to the blacks and Mexican welfare bums?!

Later…

Well, the freeloaders didn’t cause me to lose sleep today, but see? It’s just like we were all living together again; when they’re not actually waking me up, I’m fearing that they will.

Always with me, always with them.

PG’s selling a 40” sitting doll for just $80.

Here I am just trying to get over Teddy Bear, then I see someone on TV that reminds me of her, be it her physique, her mannerisms, her voice, and it brings back some of the hurt, the longing for her, the missing her, the never getting to know her, etc.

And something didn’t want to punish me when it sicced these freeloaders on me? Right!

I wonder just how many others she may’ve led on like this. People who do this don’t usually leave people hanging just once. It tends to become rather habit-forming (Kacey and Al were prime examples). Am I the only inmate, though? I couldn’t have been the only one to be crushing on her. Just how many others have joined the R. D. Johnson fan club?

Questions, questions and never any answers!

I may love a babe in uniform, but I hate pigs and that’s exactly what she turned out to be in the end – just another pig with a badge, despite how cool she was in jail. I wonder if I’d have been as attracted to her if she hadn’t been in uniform?

Maybe I was wrong in assuming this summer’s monsoons would be fierce. Almost every evening it looks like we’re gonna get slammed, but it never happens. All we get is a little wind, a few rumbles of thunder and shit for rain. If it were going to be a fierce summer, it would’ve been by now. Guess this is why they call this the desert!

Although the storms are cool, the lack of them has its good points, too. No losing power, no potential wake-up calls. I got the freeloaders as potential wake-up calls just as I did in Phoenix and that’s enough.

I had a great idea for the base of Joy’s stand. I decided that after he cuts it smaller dimension-wise and square in shape rather than round, I’ll take the same material used to make her dress and cover the base with it. I also have spare scraps of carpet that I could use for future bases as well. That’d look cool.

I saw a documentary on a penitentiary in Louisiana that opened after the Civil War. This was right after slavery ended and this is what the freeloaders used as an excuse to become the mean, hateful criminally inclined assholes they still are today. We’re to blame too, though. All we were doing was breeding criminals by making them slaves, and simply turning them loose in the end was where we fucked ourselves over. They should’ve either remained as slaves or been deported back to Africa where they belong.

Later…

I looked at Jade and decided – why wait for future bases when I can carpet yours? So I took her off the base, traced the circular base on the back of a piece of carpet where the netting is, cut it, cut a hole in its center to go through the pole her waistband’s attached to, then slipped it on and down onto the base. Then, to keep the ends from lifting upward, I secured them down with glue. Now I’m washing a bigger piece of carpet that many a rat has peed on. When it’s washed I’m going to cut a thin strip of it to glue around the sides of the base. Then she’ll look more or less like she’s standing on a mound of blue carpet.

Damn Mary and her not putting enough postage on envelopes! I told Tom not to bother making the time to pick this latest one up and to let it get returned to her. Speaking of messages, I’ve obviously sent one saying: I’ll bitch about it, but Tom will make the extra time to pick it up in the end anyway.

Not anymore. She should know by now what’s too much to be stuffing in one envelope, so anything with postage due is going right back to her till she gets the message and gets her postage straight.

Tom stopped at a hardware store after work and got a round wooden base for Joy. This will make me feel a lot better as her metal stand alone isn’t very stable. For the bigger, heavier dolls, you really need a heavy wooden base, versus paper-thin metal.

He also got a couple of ceiling fans, so the den and living room will finally have them.

We were having problems with the instant messaging thing. Besides, I decided I just didn’t want anyone bugging me while I was online. Especially some mixed-up kid.

I finished the clip Mary sent me. This clip was when she ran from Justin in Florida with Gretchen to New York where she and her homeless brother were stuck in a hotel with less than $100 to their names.

Talk about hard times and curses! My heart totally goes out to her and Gretchen both for all their pain and suffering. It serves as a reminder, particularly in Gretchen’s case, that we can’t always count on God to help us and that sometimes God does give us more than we can handle. Again I have to ask myself – how much of God is for real versus wishful thinking? Sure, we’d all like to believe that there’s some loving, guiding salvaging force out there, designed to protect us, but when we consider how much more bad than good there really is in this world, I don’t see how that can be possible. Not for the most part, anyway. It just seems that any good, loving God wouldn’t allow innocent babies to be killed. I know there are those who would respond to that statement by saying that he has his reasons, but I’m sorry. I just don’t see what kind of reasons could possibly justify the slaying of an innocent child. Nothing about what happened makes “sense.”

If only Mary cut ties between them sooner than she did. I cut the ties between Doe, Art, Larry and Tammy and never again can they or will belittle me or try to control me. I pulled back and looked at them as people, not parents and siblings, and when I didn’t like what I saw, I put biology aside and walked away.

I wish more people could do the same when the situation calls for it.

It burns me up to think of how many times Doe and Art smacked me around only to get away with it, while I lose time, money and freedom to bullshit words.

So when the thought of my curses and life’s unfairness gets me down, I think of Mary sitting in a jail cell, feeling like a complete failure for not saving her daughter. For not having the courage to say “no” to abuse, be it physical, sexual, verbal or mental, until it was too late.

Time is making it easier to deal with not seeing Teddy Bear, though I’ll always think about her and wonder about what happened. I still don’t see how something I wrote could get her in trouble. I’m the one who has to pay for other people’s actions, remember? I’m still pretty sure she changed her mind. If she’d either lost my number or didn’t get my letter, that’d be one thing, but to have lost the number and not gotten my letter? I don’t think so.

As much as I would’ve loved for her to keep her word and come see me, I realize that seeing her could’ve been a bad thing. With my being attracted to her and my having feelings for her, I could’ve been torn between her and Tom, not that I’d have left Tom. I still believe he’s the only one who could ever accept me as I am and deal with our living arrangements as he has. That’s where I’m glad he’s not your typical red-blooded man, or else the not sleeping together wouldn’t fly with him so well.

Anyway, I guess I’m meant to be both faithful and celibate, but that’s okay. I can live with it for I have Teddy Bear in my fantasies and she’ll always be in my memory.

With the way I’m so fed up with society as a whole, I think to myself, just as soon as some bitch or some cock pisses me off bad enough or threatens to kick my ass in a place where I have no visits from Tom or commissary to lose, you’re going to lose it like never before. After so many years of being held back for various reasons, you’re going to explode on them so badly. They’re gonna think they can flatten you cuz you’re short, and you’re going to show them that no they can not just step right on you and snap you in half as if you were merely a twig.

Then I tell myself, no you won’t. You’ll sit there and you’ll take it and you won’t fight back. You’ll make up some excuse as to why you didn’t fight back, you’ll send them the wrong message, they’ll take advantage of you, they’ll get away with fucking you over, and God will see to it that you suffer just because you thought of fighting back while he protects and worships the ground your perpetrators walk on. And no, you wouldn’t have nothing to lose if you did fight back. You’d get in hot water somehow cuz you know you can’t get away with shit. You’re punished with other people’s evil deeds as well as for things you didn’t even do, so you sure as hell would be made to pay for things you did do, even if the person deserved what they got from you.

Words cannot express how frustrated and angry I am at God for protecting anyone who ever did me wrong. People have beaten me, stolen from me, lied to me and so much more, yet they never ever had to pay the consequences for it. I’m not saying they should all be thrown in jail, I’m just saying that it’s rather sad to know that while people are walking away from murder, I’m paying for stupid, piddly-assed shit. I pay for other people’s hatred, vindictiveness, stupidity, misunderstanding, incompetence and greed, but who pays for wronging me?

I look out my office window. I see a tiny portion of the house two lots away and I wonder? Am I one day going to fall victim to its occupants for 7 years while I’m completely powerless to do a damn thing about it? And all because they might think I look too Jewish or because they have connections in law enforcement?

As I learned the hard way time and time again – I don’t have to go looking for trouble. Trouble does a fine enough job of finding me on its own.

There are about 250 million people in the US. I figure about 80 million of them are black. Wouldn’t it be oh so awesome if one by one, they could all drop dead?! I’d settle for just a few million. And they could up and die suddenly too, for no apparent reason, leaving the surviving blacks baffled and fearing they’ll be next.

I thought about typing myself a threatening letter supposedly from them, but it wouldn’t do me any good. First of all, it could be determined that the printer that printed the thing lives in this house. Also, unless it was the last piece from the package, it could be determined that the paper came from this house. Even if they couldn’t prove it was my paper and my printer that printed it, all they’d do is say, “Well, we couldn’t find any fingerprints, they say they didn’t do it, so there’s nothing we can do.”

Of course, I know they wouldn’t do anything even if they did have physical evidence. Between God and the Jew-hating law enforcement officials that can’t believe non-whites would fuck over a white person and don’t want to, there’s simply no revenge and no justice in this case. They won. They won in Phoenix and they won in Maricopa.

Anyway, Tom tried to set up IM software so Justin and I could do instant messages, but it wouldn’t work. Also, I don’t think I dig the idea of swapping messages with an 11-year-old kid. I have enough mixed emotions about Paula as it is. I mean, I do care about her or else I wouldn’t write her or send her dolls, and I know she can’t help being the way she is, but I get sick of the flakiness. When I think about it, though, she’s never done me any harm, so associating with her can’t hurt. Besides, she’s all the way on the other side of the country. It’s not like we’re neighbors. It’s the little things that bug me. An example of that is how I asked her to let me know when she gets the packages, though they won’t be mailed for another week or two, and she said she would. I know better, though. I won’t hear about them either way till one of us catches the other by phone, though maybe Justin will mention it. It’s no biggie, though. I mean, I’d rather have to wait to find out if she got the dolls and what she thought of them than to have Jew-hating blacks and Hispanics playing their music for us, trashing our yard, then ultimately getting me tossed in jail to be led on by someone I end up crushing on.

I was so, so crushed out on her! We just didn’t have enough time together in the end there. Our time together, in the end, went too fast. How I wish we’d established our little thing for each other sooner than we did! I’m sure we both liked each other pretty much from the get-go; I just wish we’d known it.

Back to the dolls - it’s a damn good thing they don’t have a conscious, the poor dolls. It may sound mean to say this, but those dolls would be so miserable if they did. Instead of being in a nice, spacious modern house, they’re going to be in a cold, damp, small, old and ugly place, having to hear Paula, Justin and God knows how many other people, screaming and yelling about this and that.

Later…

Justin said he saw the pictures, but Paula didn’t. I’m not surprised. Paula’s always so wrapped up in her own little world. One kind of has to feel sorry for her, though. Her life’s been the same as long as I can remember and it doesn’t look like it’s ever going to change.

I’m hearing more thunder this evening, but seeing fewer clouds. Tom said they said it could storm tonight, but I don’t know yet if it will.

During the daytime, I hear this squeaking sound that I figured was some bird doing a weird chirp, but I learned today that it’s the prairie dogs making the noise. I noticed I was hearing a lot more of it these last 2 or 3 months. It’s always the same pitch that lasts for a second. It was really weird, though, cuz I saw a prairie dog do it while it ate lettuce in front. It’d munch away, then open its mouth to emit a squeak, then eat some more, let out another squeak, and so on and so forth.

Got lots to update on. For starters, I got the Fairy of Cork. She’s cute and her fiber optics display is much nicer than Chris’s. It’s more colorful, displaying more of my favorite colors. Chris only displayed green and red with a touch of blue. I’m sure Paula will love her, though. I doubt she’s ever had anything like the dolls I’m sending her and I doubt she ever will, either. I think this will be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for her.

Anyway, this fairy’s not attached to her wings which is what the fiber optics are attached to. She’s supposed to sit on a seat up against the wings that are attached to the back of the seat, but I thought she blocked too much of the wings. Therefore, I stuck a Kelsey doll on it. Kelsey dolls are slightly smaller than Barbies. This doll looks better on it. Meanwhile, I put the fairy on a shelf in my office. The only thing is that she’s battery-operated also. I thought she was a plug-in.

Other than that she’s 14” with red hair and green eyes with purple glitter eyeshadow.

I got two letters from Mary. The letters themselves were brief. The bulk of what she sent was book parts. I’ve got about 32 pages to type up.

So Hope’s trial is done from what she told me. The day after she sent the letter was the day the verdict was to be in, but I don’t know what it is or how she went from looking at 40 years to life, but this is what Mary told me. I know this is Arizona and that Arizona will practically hang a person just for breathing wrong, but she must’ve done more than break her baby’s ribs, as bad as I know that alone is. Maybe Mary can fill me in more cuz I just looked again and couldn’t find squat online.

Are those of us who supposedly sent threatening letters that much more entertaining than the child abusers?! If Hope’s kid were black, that’d be different. Then they’d plaster her story all over the place, calling her a racist.

The for-sale sign’s gone. I don’t know if it’s cuz someone knocked it down or if that property is sold. All I can do is what I always do when it comes to any new neighbors – hope they’re white and not trouble-makers. Especially not trouble-makers, but as I learned, all I can do is take whatever shit people dish out to me. The only one that suffers when someone fucks me over is me and the only one that suffers when I try to fuck someone else over is also me, so I won’t even bother to think about any kind of complaints or retaliation. It’ll either be useless or get me thrown in jail.

It looks like the shower leak’s fixed that he caulked, so that’s good. Also, he epoxied Ciara’s stand, my big 38” doll.

I switched back to my old wallpaper changer cuz Webshots was getting to be a pain, always wanting me to compress files and not saving pictures from other sites into my wallpaper directory. It’d save them to the directory, I’d just have to create a whole new file in order to add them in. With this one, I don’t have to do that. I still have Webshots on my computer, though, so I can still get pictures from them, then export them to my directory/changer.

I finally called and spoke to Justin and Paula after Paula said she’d call me back and never did. Without telling her what I was sending, I told her to stay out of jail so she could get the 2 or 3 packages I plan on shipping. Also, I hope she’ll at least be kind enough to call and let me know when she gets them. Hopefully, her PO won’t shelve them for a month before letting her know they’re there. I wonder how it is that they know when a package contains something that’s back-ordered. Unless it’s just part of the doll curse that’s on me, and hopefully not on her too, the PO has some way of knowing which dolls were back-ordered. Those are the ones I get as soon as they arrive.

Tom didn’t even have to wait in line for the fairy. This time they put her in the box they left him a key to.

Anyway, I spoke to Justin as well, answering a few computer questions for him. I told him I’d hang up with him and go send him direct links to all my albums and to let me know if it worked, and it did. I figured it would, cuz it worked for Mary. I’m still going to enclose a picture CD in one of the doll boxes for them.

He tried to get me to tell him what I was sending his mom, promising not to tell, but I knew he would. I gave him hints, though. I said there were 15 of them and that they consisted of a good variety. Also, like I told Paula, she needs to start making as much room in her place as she can.

Naturally, in spite of how dumb his poor mom is, Justin’s obviously not very bright himself. His writing was the equivalent of a 5-year-old’s, rather than an 11-year-old’s. Even an 11-year-old should know that ‘didn’t’ isn’t spelled ‘dint’. They must suspect I’m sending dolls, though, cuz I find it really hard to believe they could be that stupid.

All Paula had to say was the usual – how much stress this guy brings her whom she has so much fun in the woods and who dropped the charges he filed on her. I asked her, but what if he files charges again and doesn’t drop them?

“Then I’ll do 90 days in jail,” she said, “but God help him when I get out.”

I just don’t understand why she’d want to hang out with someone who could land her in jail, let alone put all the stress on her that he does. I don’t know, maybe she likes it in a sick, twisted sort of way. My own sister gets off on abuse from men.

Anyway, I told Justin that Tom would load up IM software so we can do instant messages.

I sent album links to chickenmax to see if they’d pick up their mail from me since I knew it would automatically notify me as soon as it was. They never picked it up and now I’m not sure what to think. Is it them shutting me out, or is it someone else altogether? Neither one makes sense at this point. If it was them, why ignore my mail when they could either block me out or change their address? If it’s not them, wouldn’t they either read the mail out of curiosity or let me know, hey, we don’t know each other?

Well, either way, I won’t be sending anything else.

I saw a roadrunner eat a baby prairie dog yesterday. I didn’t know they were carnivorous, but some birds are, so why not?

No cheeks today. I wish he’d show up on a day when Tom and the car were gone, so I could have the pleasure of saying “no” to anything freeloader-related, though I will say “no” the next time he wakes me up.

I thought we were going to get stormed on yesterday evening, but all we got was some wind, one little rumble of thunder, and a tiny bit of rain.

I know it’s a waste of time worrying about us getting old and dying while we’re still in our 30s and 40s, but I fear the end and that we’ll be alone and helpless. How will I take care of him if he gets really sick or senile when he gets old? How will I see him if he’s in a nursing home? What if he dies first and I’m forced to kill myself, knowing I couldn’t go on without him, and wouldn’t want to, even if I had all the money and transportation in the world? What if someone killed my husband, like some pig on a macho car chase that I couldn’t get to in order to kill them before I killed myself?

What if, what if, what if! Wish I could quit the what-ifs! But that’s easier said than done when it comes to Tom, my one and only true blessing in life. It’s not that I don’t have any other blessings, but most of those are material.

Ironically, ever since I quit wanting a kid, babies don’t always seem to be everywhere I go, though I don’t think it’s a coincidence. Back when I wanted one, it was in everyone’s conversation, on every billboard I’d pass by – everywhere. It was as if something up there wanted to torture me all the more, though it is still on TV like crazy. Yeah, I saw part of a documentary where a teenage gang-banger was expecting. She’s totally the kind that makes my blood boil.

Yesterday’s trip to the dentist went well. No cavities. They did X-rays like they say they do periodically. They did it right there in the chair, too. At the other place, you had to go into this little x-ray booth.

She asked me if I was still drawing, then I remembered the pictures I sent her. I told her I got sick of that and had hopes of becoming a dollmaker. She said that sounded cool and that maybe I could show her pictures. I asked for her email address and sent her the links to my albums so she could see what I have already, besides the critters and the land which we also discussed.

She complimented me as usual, telling me she likes my hair color.

Got a good-sized sample of toothpaste and another whitening kit. The stuff really works. I think this will be the last time I’ll need to do this for quite a while.

On our way out of the waiting room, the doctor asked if we knew the man waiting for the next appointment, a guy who was also from Maricopa. He told us where he lived and we both knew the streets he mentioned. He has a conservatory business at his place. Tom got his web address. We might go check it out sometime, as well as this place in town just 10 minutes from us that has porcelain doll signs. I don’t know if they sell them or just make them or both.

Later…

Another pretty rainbow off in the distance. It’s clouding up out there, but I don’t know if we’ll get a storm or how much of one we’ll get if we do.

We went the way we usually don’t go on our way back home yesterday and saw that they were paving more of the main road. Just two years ago we were 7 miles from any paved roads. Soon we’ll be just about one mile away!

Anyway, after leaving the dentist’s, we went to Fry’s Electronics. He got a new computer case and a new modem, in case the one we were using was no good. It was okay, though, so we’ll keep it as a backup. After an hour’s worth of work, Tom got us back online. At least we were only unable to go online for a day and not weeks.

I also got some white paper as well as decorative paper with a big tulip. At home, I sent in for the $3 rebate on the white paper.

Our last stop was Denny’s. Not only was the food great (my T-bone was cooked to perfection and cut very easily), but the people were civilized for a change. It was just our luck that no screamers were near us. The oldest kid around us was around 10.

I don’t know what the hell’s going on with Paula. She never called me back and there’s been no answer at her place. I just hope to hell she isn’t in jail so she can get the dolls! Of all the times I send her something other than a letter, it’d sure suck if she wasn’t home. I hope someone else could claim the packages and make sure she gets them when she gets home if this ends up being the case. I wouldn’t know if they emailed me since last night, cuz our modem is fucked up.

God, I wish our stuff would stop breaking and leaking!!! Just 3 months. 3 months without anything breaking or leaking! Why is that so fucking much to ask for??? A lousy 3 months!

Anyway, I’m having fun editing MP3s, but it’s a time-consuming job. I sit there fine-tuning old journals while the files save and compress themselves. I’m on the 1994 journal now.

I never heard back from PG. Makes me think they haven’t shipped the doll yet. I just sent another message to let them know I didn’t hear back from them yesterday and would like an answer today.

I also left Paula a message last night, never hearing from her via phone or email. I hope she’s not in jail. Of all the times I ship something to her, it’d really suck if she went to jail now for 3-6 months.

I just upped and called Paula. She answered, saying she’d call me back. She sounded rather depressed.

Just got a message saying they left a message saying they shipped the doll on the 12th. If this is true, she should be here between the 23rd - 26th.

Just got back from Scot a few minutes ago. Still no mention of classes.

Good, cuz I’m taking classes for me. Not for the state.

This time, instead of asking how many years I had left, he said I had a little over 15 months, then I’d be done.

“Well, I hope so,” I said. “That’s what I was told nearly 3 years ago, so I don’t believe anything till I see it.”

Tom said it’d be best if I kept my doubts to myself so he doesn’t feel challenged and like I’m putting down his profession. Yeah, he doesn’t need to remind me about Arizona’s little sensitives. It’s just that I don’t see how Tom can be so gullible as to believe it’ll be over 10/30/2003 just cuz they say it will be. Have they ever told us the truth yet? So why should he believe them now?

Anyway, if they prolong it, I’m sure it’ll be my fault just like most everything else seems to be and that I won’t fight back. I’ll just sit back, take whatever shit they dish out to me, and God can go on protecting those involved. I know most people would tell me I’d be crazy not to fight any extensions they may try to throw at me, or else this shit will never end, but you know what? The judge said this is over on October 30th of ’03, so October 30th of ’03 it is which means there won’t be anything to fight. If the courts can’t keep their word, then I’ll just have to keep it for them. Maybe I’ll casually mention moving out of state to Scot the last time I see him. That way word may get back to anyone who might be thinking of taking advantage of me, and the prospect of my being not so accessible might deter them.

I nearly stepped on a snake on our way there. As soon as I stepped out the side door, I saw a black and white striped king snake (at least I think it was a king snake) that must’ve been getting a drink by the AC that’s by the door. As soon as it saw me coming down the stairs, it ran under the stairs, then under the skirting of the house. The movement startled me until I realized it was a harmless snake.

It was a cool-looking snake. I hope to see it again long enough to get a picture of it.

Yesterday afternoon and early Wednesday morning, a big black snake was out front. Both times it ended up in the brush surrounding one of the big trees by the wash.

I’ve been putting a fresh bowl of water out in the wash every day. The prairie dogs and rabbits love it.

I never did get to see the dentist on Wednesday. Her daughter had appendicitis. I was pissed too, to have come that far in the heat and humidity. It was cloudy throughout most of the trip and even rained some, but still, we went all that way for nothing. It wasn’t till after we’d left that she tried to get a hold of us.

While I was there I got a free sample of tooth-whitening gum. I’m sure it doesn’t really whiten teeth, but it’s got a nice refreshing taste anyway, so I had Tom pick some up at the grocery store. I’ll be seeing the dentist on Monday, I hope. We made the appointment early to beat some of the heat.

Paula, or probably Justin, sent an email saying they couldn’t get into my online photo albums, so I asked if they wanted me to send pictures on a CD. Then I discovered a way to send them links to take them directly to each album. I’m still waiting for a reply as to what they want me to do.

Meanwhile, I’ve been updating my doll albums which has been taking forever! That’s cuz of the higher resolution I’m now using. I’m also going to add a 10th album called Assorted Pets which will consist of pictures like the pigeons, Bunny, guinea pigs, etc.

Later…

I emailed PG asking when the last doll I’m expecting was shipped. Hopefully, they’ll let me know soon enough, and they’ll give me the correct date, too.

It’s back to being like June weather-wise. It’s hot and clear, but not so dry that my hair’s full of static. I’m gonna get a small humidifier sometime in October so I don’t have to deal with that again when it gets really dry.

All my uploading is done. I have 10 albums and 245 pictures in total. Someone downloaded 6 doll pictures yesterday. I know they had to be either pictures of Joy or Barbies, cuz that’s a very small album and those are the only pictures in it till the Fairy of Cork and others join it.

I threw in a couple of other dolls for Paula. She’ll be getting a total of 15. Wish I could be there to see the look on her face! I just hope she has room. I’m sure that somehow she’ll make the room, even if it means buying and putting up some cheap shelves. She’ll be getting Anne, Edie, Chris, Christina, Giselle, Misha, Ashley, Nakita, Selena, Melanie, Stephanie, Shauna, Gloria, Katie and Mary.

I made a second doll picture file. One’s for the dolls I have (porcelain), and the other’s for the dolls I’m giving her, plus the two I took apart, and my vinyl dolls, except for Tyler.

I currently have 28 porcelain dolls, plus Tyler displayed. They are Patrice, Colette, Ciara, Autumn, Pine Leaf, Sacajawea, Jade, Joy, Bailey, Summer Dream, Asha, Nyla, Murganah, Carmencita, Angel, Falling Star, Praying Spirit, Valentine, Emerald, Mei Lin, Meagan, Victoria, Tiffany, Maria, Rapunzel, Twinkle, Sugar Plum and Lollipops.

I’ve written just under 230 pages since my release.

Damn these mother-fucking dogs! I’m sick of our land being a playground for Maricopa’s dogs! And Tom’s only giving them more to play with by trying to bury those pipes. I told him he was just going to have to redo them over and over again. Dogs dig. They’ll just keep digging them up no matter how much dirt he throws on them. He’s better off throwing them under the house till the place is fenced in.

Our latest leak curse is right by my shower. I stood inside the shower stall with water streaming onto the doors and Tom said he didn’t see it leaking. I think it’s coming from underneath and that somehow a connection between the pipes, which are in sections, pulled loose. When the water pools in that area, it seeps through the wood and up into the carpet.

In other news, I didn’t receive a reply when I sent Paula an email, not that I expected one.

I have a dentist’s appointment at 11:00.

I did cut out a couple of the crazies. So now I have 3 rats and 3 mice. Much easier to handle.

It’s pretty cloudy out there now. Cloudy enough to have the blinds open. It’s nice for a change when it’s cloudy. You get sick of the constant bright sunshine. It also lowers the temperature somewhat. Early in the morning is gorgeous at this time.

I saw a giant white dog and a giant black dog walk across the property in front. Fortunately, they stayed off of ours and out of our shit. Oh, I can’t wait for the fences! They won’t be up, though, till close to the end of the probation. Well, of course, right? Isn’t that what I said all along?

I also saw a black snake this morning. I guess they’re afraid of quails. The quails chased it back down into a hole. Then it popped its head up and looked around for a while after the quails split, then it pulled itself up and out of the hole and down into another a few feet away. I hope it hasn’t eaten too many of my prairie dogs! When it emerged again a few minutes later it slithered off into the brush. The prairie dogs must sense danger close by cuz I haven’t seen them yet.

Nothing ate the jellybeans I threw out yesterday morning. After we set the bombs off we went to Circle K for some junk and I got some jellybeans. Not liking citrus flavors, I threw out the orange, green and yellow ones.

The best news of the day is that I received Murganah and a letter from Mary.

Murganah is absolutely gorgeous! Just beautiful and she’s definitely the best PG doll yet. Strangely enough, though, she has painted nipples that show through her sheer blouse. I love her colorful, shiny outfit and her gold glitter eyeshadow. I didn’t know she had this eyeshadow. I couldn’t see it in her picture, but when I took pictures, I shot facial close-ups, so it’d be visible. Then I uploaded them to my online album. Of course, I’ll be enclosing pictures for Mary, too.

The total viewings on my albums are now up to 103 with 1 download on a land pic.

In Mary’s letter, she praised me and thanked me for being there for her, then she told me she’d been depressed. They really put their foot down about letting people out to make evening phone calls and she’s bummed out about it cuz she can’t talk to Todd, who works in the daytime. Maybe she’ll be able to find a DO willing to let her out sometime in the evening so she can call him. In the meantime, at least they can still write to each other.

Another favor - she asked me to look up some site on coping with depression and stress and to print out what I could find, but I couldn’t get to the address she gave me. She either gave me the wrong address or they don’t exist anymore.

She said Hope may get 40 years. What is that really – 12 years? I’m confused, though. I thought the 11th was her sentencing. And why is she going to trial – because she refused to plea bargain? Why is her case taking so long? She’s been there over a year and they’re just now selecting her jury? I don’t get it. Whatever happens, I hope she gets what she deserves and is never allowed custody of any kids.

I doubt it, though. I’m sure she’ll get some kind of a break. Good things happen to bad people all the time.

In response to my comment about the humidity with the onset of the monsoons, she said she was glad to be inside with air conditioning. She said she had a heat stroke last November when they shut the AC off. Yeah, I know all about heatstroke. That’s why I can’t believe that they can make people live in tents in a desert. Arizona and its sick laws never cease to amaze me!

She didn’t say anything about when she was leaving. Just that she wouldn’t mind staying there, even if prison is supposed to be easier. Yeah, I wish she’d stay there, too. I wish Pérez would return so she could find out for sure if she got my letter, and of course, I wish Teddy Bear would return. If Pérez tells her she didn’t get the letter, then I’ll either think it wasn’t mailed or she didn’t get it, which could mean Teddy Bear didn’t get hers either.

I didn’t know this, but some inmates wear what’s called a Taser belt under their clothes so that the guards can zap them if they go crazy. Hope and Monster will have to wear these.

I hear so many people on TV bragging about how wonderful this country is, but is it? I mean, look at us – we won’t allow a woman to be president, but we’ll pay the freeloaders to sit on their asses all their lives. We allow people to marry people of different races, but not of the same gender.

So just how great are we really?

Naturally, this is just talk at this point, but Tom’s thinking about getting an old truck next January with the stock money. He said that instead of fixing the AC on this car, he’ll either keep it as a backup or sell it. Meanwhile, he’ll get a cheap, 20-year-old truck to fix up.

It’d be nice if we could have a truck for hauling in the fencing, among other things, of course.

With Paula not being so bright, I was able to quiz her yesterday on the phone about dolls and was told what I figured she’d tell me – that she’d collect more dolls if she had the money. Space-wise, her place is small, but she is looking for a bigger place.

I just hope she can stay out of jail! Yeah, her life’s pretty much the same old, same old that’s getting worse. She just can’t stop hanging with the wrong guys. After she laughs about the fun she and this guy have in the woods, she goes on to list all kinds of horrible things about him. Things that are obviously stressing her out big time. When I tell her she should dump him, she goes, “I know,” then she says she’s gonna kiss his ass to get him to drop the charges he filed against her. Then maybe they can have a relationship.

She is one mixed-up woman!

The guy shoves her into a wall one minute in front of Justin, then tells him the next that he’d never hurt her. Meanwhile, the guy’s supposedly charging her with stalking and threatening to do bodily harm. She said she thought she had one 90-day suspended sentence, but her PO informed her she had two. The PO also told her to go to court and try to get the charges dropped or else she’ll violate her.

They also wouldn’t waive her $270 fine and she says Justin rang up a huge phone bill too, but they credited some of it.

The lady cop she slugged has been harassing her, she says.

On top of all this, she’s driving with a suspended license. It makes me wonder – does she just not care or does she want to go to jail? Even she herself said she wasn’t going to make it.

Not at the rate she’s going.

I asked about the email and I guess Justin deleted it without even bothering to show it to her.

We’re going to be bombing in a few hours. I’m so fed up with these crazy rats that I’m considering cutting them down from 4 to 2. Naturally, Tom’s pressuring me to keep animals I don’t want, but what kind of pets is this? I can’t tame them, I can’t associate with them in any way except to hand them food. They won’t let me handle them. They just won’t.

I sent Tom’s birthday balloon off and it slowly sailed up and away. It was in view for quite a while. It moved slower than the last one and was easier to see cuz of its colors.

I tried calling Paula yesterday morning, but she said she had to call me back cuz something was going on there. What it was, she didn’t say, and as I figured, she never did call back.

Believe it or not, my doll came yesterday, but I didn’t get it, of course, cuz the PO was closed when he got the notice. I have to wait until Tuesday. So the non-back-ordered dolls are late and the back-ordered ones are early.

Tom’s computer’s been having problems. Well, of course. It’s not even two years old.

His birthday balloon’s still hanging on. Makes me think it’ll survive forever, though it is getting lower.

The community Webshots people sent me my weekly statistics on my online photo albums.

I forgot to watch the news on the 11th for any information regarding Hope’s trial. I couldn’t find anything pertaining to her when I looked online, so if there ever was a trial, I guess it wasn’t worth mentioning. Everyone must be the same color then. Therefore, it’s more important to cover the poor, poor abused blacks who are really the abusers themselves which nobody wants to believe, rather than the innocent baby whose ribs were broken by its sick mother. In today’s minority-loving society, news would travel faster concerning “cases” like mine than cases like Hope’s.

Now I can get 15 pictures a day. That’s because we set me up with a new email address. They’re such nice pictures that I printed out a few.

I still watch old reruns of Charlie’s Angels. I could never get sick of them. The show is so 70s, too. If they were creating the show today, at least one of the angels would be black or oriental. In fact, that was the case with the movie they made based on the series; one was Asian.

I finally got Carmencita, and for two fucking weeks the mother-fuckers at the PO had her sitting on a shelf. Again they claimed they attempted to deliver it on the 24th when she arrived. Why the fuck do they do this? I mean, they have to deliver it sooner or later, so why not sooner? Do they just get off on making people wait?

They haven’t yet done this with the back-ordered dolls so hopefully PG will ship the remaining two a day or two after they receive the new shipment, rather than 5, and the PO will let me have them as soon as they get them. What? Do they have so much extra shelf space that they can afford to simply stick boxes on shelves till they feel like giving them to the people two weeks later? Or even a month later like they did with the last doll?

Anyway, I’m glad she finally made it home. She looks much nicer in person. She’s 22” and dark-skinned. I polished her nails silver in contrast to her dark skin. I left off the headdress and the feathered cape. I didn’t like how they looked. I’ve got her holding her maracas, though. Instead of having the stand hold her by the waist where it’s more noticeable, I have her held by her upper thigh like one of my all-porcelain ballerinas, Patrice.

She’s got a fabric-covered stand and what appears to be a different, yet nicer outfit, than what’s in her picture. The picture’s outfit looks like it’s plain white material, but mine’s shiny and more of a pearly white. I like it much better, though I can’t get the bottoms to fit as in her picture. They’re awfully low and she’s a little thin-waisted, but still very nice. I like her a lot. I’m sure I’ll never want to sell or give her away.

Anyway, she has brown eyes and hair. Her curly hair hangs just past her ass and goes to her knees when pulled straight.

Her costume is accented with orange, purple and green beads as well as gold sequins.

Tom was tired as hell when he got in. There was a typical crisis at work. I guess the imaging machine went on the fritz. Tom wonders why they don’t give him more money after they brag about what a hero he is when he fixes things.

Doesn’t he know by now we’re destined to be used and ripped off?

I downloaded about 23 Webshots pictures from samplers, then my daily 5 that are allotted to me until and if I become a member. Their pictures are gorgeous - excellent clarity! They make things look good like lakes and woods, something I was never gung-ho on looks-wise, as opposed to tropical and desert scenes. Sunflowers – not my favorite flower – they make them look great! This is total kick-ass professional photography.

Later…

I added one of the Giselle dolls to Paula’s collection, but as I’ll tell her, she’s a fixer-upper more or less. She needs a stand, eyelashes, and either a new outfit or work done on the one she’s in (I had cut the lining out under the lace skirt). Meanwhile, the other Giselle sits naked and bald on my closet shelf.

Now I can get 10 Webshots pictures a day instead of 5. I log in as Tom after I’ve logged on as myself, and that’s how I double what I get. I have 38 pictures so far and I can live with getting 10 a day. It’ll give me something to look forward to and it’ll save us $20. That’s 70 pictures a week, minus any I may delete. Sometimes they don’t look as good as I thought they would once I display them on my desktop.

I decided that September 1st would be a good time to order Christmas Jewel, whom I’ll just call Jewel rather than Chris since I shorted Christmas Glow’s name to Chris. She’d be $24.98 with free shipping and $18.73 if they really did screw up by letting me have two more 25%-off coupons. The membership comes with two, but I may have 4. We’ll see. I doubt it, though. However much she costs, we’ll have a Maricopa PO box by then and hopefully they won’t throw her on a shelf for 2-4 weeks before giving her to me. I can’t blame PG for the PO’s fuck-ups. It’d be nice if half their dolls weren’t out of stock, but I can live with that.

I wish I were as black as Carmencita. Not just because it’s a great time to be black in today’s minority-loving society, but because it’d hide my zits, veins and other blemishes.

Got up at 5:30 this afternoon. Sure enough, the indoor animals were ready for dinner, and the prairie dogs were just out front looking up at me as if to say, “It’s about time!”

I never did hear any music last night.

Being that it was coming up on 6:00 and starting to cool down, sure enough, I could see a couple of adults and a few kids out back. I really don’t like looking out back there to see 5 people milling about. I don’t know why it bugs me so much, but it does. I know I’d rather see people 500’ away than hear them 3’ away, but I’d really rather not have to see them either. Especially when it’s so often.

I caught and scared off a couple of dogs from tearing up the pipes that poor Tom worked so hard at covering with dirt. Fuck these fucking dogs! Oh, I can’t wait till we get fences!!! Doesn’t anybody in Arizona besides Mary allow their dogs indoors?

In better news, I was completely stunned out of my mind to learn late last night from Tom when he emailed me from work that the doll had arrived. He headed out before I got up and should have it in the car right now. He’ll be in around 2 AM.

I’m trying a new wallpaper changer at this wallpaper site that has the nicest wallpaper pictures I’ve ever seen. They’re all high-res. and they all fit nicely on my screen. They have a huge variety, too. Even skaters, dancers and gymnasts. The two catches are that you have to use their wallpaper changer program in order to use their pictures at all, and you can only download up to 5 a day unless you pay $20 for a year’s membership. I noticed Tom’s got this thing (Webshots) on his computer, too. I was surprised since he never cared about wallpaper.

I’m having some problems with it, though, so I don’t know if I’ll keep it. It keeps stopping on me and defaulting to the pictures I’m using for my screensaver, which are the skaters, dancers and gymnasts. I’m using flowers for wallpaper. Trying to, anyway.

We had a storm blow through, though it wasn’t too much of one. Some of the humidity seeped into the house. I can feel it till the AC kicks on. The storm has lowered the temperature, so that’ll save us a bit of money.

Tom just left for work. Good. I’m tired of his irritability. He gets all moody, defensive and impatient with me at times and it gets old.

He sure cracked me up earlier, though, when he got his fingers stuck in the bars of the rat’s cage for a minute. He’s lucky Little Buddy wasn’t Ratsy, Scuttles or Houdini. He’s even luckier he wasn’t the bear.

Woke up the same weight as yesterday – 121 pounds, so that was a bit discouraging and therefore I’m taking a break for today. I’m stuck too, and if I don’t go at some point, I’ll be up a pound or two come tomorrow.

When I asked Tom to guess my weight, he guessed 108. The man’s either just being nice or he’s completely blind, though all the muscle I’ve got from the regular workouts does weigh more than fat. I haven’t been 108 since jail, and if the freeloaders can keep from controlling what I eat, I probably never will be again till I’m an old, dying, sickly lady.

The Friday after next, after we see Scot, we’ll probably go to the Olive Garden one last time. We used half of the $40 credit, so we’ll use up the last half next time. I’ll probably get the eggplant and enjoy that to the tune of a screaming, whining kid. I swear kids weren’t this unruly before the late 80s to early 90s. There’s no such thing as discipline anymore and when there is it’s usually not in a good way. Why do people take babies to restaurants? I mean, you don’t take a baby to a restaurant. How rude!

Got a big doll poster from PG. Yeah, that’s all they’re good for. They’re pretty reliable when it comes to that and their catalogs. If the doll was mailed on the 20th, and I don’t know that it was since they keep changing their story, then the 10 business days would’ve been up last Friday and not Thursday. I forgot that Thursday was the 4th, but even so, it should’ve been here a week ago or even more. Especially coming from San Diego, but like I said – no more mail-order dolls! It’s too bad too, cuz I really like this company, but I’m sick of this shit. I really am.

Tom, who left a couple of hours ago, is to stop at the PO before work. If the doll’s there, he’ll email me a little later on. I told him not to bother if it isn’t, but watch, he’ll go and email me anyway to get my hopes up for a second there.

Anyway, he thinks it’ll be there, but with their track record, I don’t think it will be. I’d say it’s more likely I’ll have mail from Mary. If I’m right and it isn’t there, then I’m not gonna know what to believe. Meaning, I won’t know if it’s the PO’s fault, or if it wasn’t yet shipped. I still don’t see why it’s such a big deal to send me the dolls I order within a week. It’s like – just grab the dolls off the shelf I ordered and deliver them to the fucking address we give you! Is that so hard? Obviously, it is, and this tells me it’s a curse. If it had been a few dolls every now and then, then I’d say it wasn’t, but every single fucking doll?

I can’t swear to it, but I might’ve finally heard from the renters last night. I’ve heard faint spurts of music the last couple of nights. Two nights ago, it was louder at the back of the house than at the front, and even louder at the utility end, telling me it couldn’t be the renters. It was probably at Dan’s. Last night when I heard music at 11:00, I looked out back and saw no lights at the renter’s. Again I assumed it was either the renters or someone else entirely. But when I heard it later on as late as 1:00, the front light was on at the renter’s. It dimmed for a sec as if someone was going to turn it off, then changed their mind, so I don’t know for sure where it was coming from or if it was from multiple sources or what. In the backwash of light, I couldn’t tell if anyone was hanging outside. Unfortunately, they have evaporative coolers, which means that if they do have a house stereo turned up, they can afford to let the sound out through open doors/windows.

Also, they seem to have changed schedules with the seasons. They seem to be asleep throughout most of the days, then out and about at night when it’s cooler like the blacks were. The Mexicans were round-the-clock people, but mostly night creatures. In the winter, 4 out of 5 times I looked out back, I’d see people. I’d still really like to get privacy hedges of some kind someday. They’re not only an eyesore, but they’re just too visible for me. If they didn’t have so much shit in their yard and they weren’t constantly hanging outside, then it wouldn’t matter as much, though they’d still be nice. The whole idea of living out here is to escape civilization. Well, if we ever do have an Arizona room or a pool someday, I don’t want to have to see people most of the time I go out. They’re a little close for comfort, though the people next door are closer and the house across the street will be even closer once it gets here. I guess the land’s still for sale in front.

I couldn’t stand to live in a place with no AC during the monsoons! And I’m sure they don’t have any AC. Just the EC and a furnace.

Tom brought up the idea of getting 4 small evaporative coolers next spring that you stick in your window just like with air conditioners. Well, it’d certainly save money, but it’d bring in the smell of horse shit. I know from Phoenix that evaporative coolers don’t filter outside smells. I remember smelling all the barbecues in the area as well as the orange blossoms. However, just like with most things we talk about getting for the house or doing with the land, I’m sure it’s just that – talk.

What I’m gonna make damn sure isn’t just talk is the fences we agreed we’d get in January. I’m sick of our yard being a regular playground for Maricopa’s dogs that no one cares about. It’ll be perfect timing too, since by the time they’re up, the kids in back will be getting to that age where they can play outside with less supervision and I don’t want them thinking our backyard belongs to them.

Tom’s so wrong when he says it’ll take a couple of weeks to put up. Even I know it’ll take more like a few months.

Tom and I are now thinking that he might make a large sitting doll to sit on the loveseat in the den. A couch, a chair and a loveseat are a bit much for two people, so why not let some dolls use the extra seating space? In contrast to the black velvet, I’d like him to make a blond doll with green or violet eyes. That is if he wouldn’t mind. If he wants to make an Indian with dark hair and eyes, he certainly can do so.

The more I think about it, the more I believe the outcome would’ve been the same with or without a confession. What fucked me over was pleading guilty, having Paul for a “lawyer” who was my enemy, having the wrong judge, and telling the interview lady that I wouldn’t fight whatever was dished out to me. That’s what got me. I should’ve refused to talk to the pigs, no matter how much they might’ve spited me for it, pled not guilty, and gotten a real lawyer. It’s just that I was determined not to spend any more money on the black bitch than necessary, but what did it matter? We were destined to spend thousands anyway, so why not a few hundred more? I had no way of knowing this at the time, though, of course.

Back when I was having a rough time dealing with Teddy Bear’s blowing me off, I broke down and prayed to God to let me get over her. Then I kicked myself for it and said to myself, are you crazy? When you gonna learn that he doesn’t give a damn?

Yet ironically enough, I haven’t been so hurt over her since. Is it a coincidence or not? I don’t know. I mean, what if I prayed for the sun to rise and set? Could I then say the sun rose and set because I asked him to have it do so? What if I asked him, God, please protect and always watch over my current/future perpetrators? Never let them get caught or pay for any wrong they may do me. But once again, that’s a done deal. So I don’t know about this prayer thing. Given how few prayers he’s granted me, I’d say it’s just a coincidence. I’m getting over her on my own.

The more I think about it, the more I don’t think I want to live in a retirement community in the future. We couldn’t have neighbors as bad as we did in Phoenix, and we may have no choice but to get into the city once we start getting older and the doctor’s office becomes a second home to us, but I know that the people next to us are going to be the ones to have their screaming grandkids over practically every day, not to mention the barking dogs.

Just jumped up to throw a few pieces of bread out for the quails, prairie dogs and bunnies.

I got up to 125 pounds again, so I began cutting my calories a few days ago. I’ve lost 4 pounds. The question now is, do I want to keep going? Or just eat my way back to 125, then lose it again?

It’s clouding up out there. We’re now entering the official monsoon season.

Later…

Still no email. I’m not surprised and I am so done with the mail-order dolls. So, so done with them. Just as soon as I somehow manage to get the 3 I’m waiting on and fighting for, they can keep their discounts and free shipping coupons.

On the first, I changed the tattered flag to the iris flag.

About 45 minutes ago, I spotted movement just across Ralston behind a big tree. Three kids were huddled under a big tree, obviously trying to hide. Assuming they were up to no good, and assuming they might start a fire with a joint or a cigarette, I went out front with the hopes of my presence causing them to move on. After a second I came back in, and sure enough, the kids moved on, heading on down past Meadow Green. One was high school age or close to it and the other two were around 8. They had a medium-large white dog with them, too.

Later…

No email. I’d say that if he hasn’t emailed me by now, I was right about the doll not being there. The question is, did the PO give her away or are they just not letting me have her? Was she even shipped? Maybe we should’ve used UPS after all since it’s not like I get dolls every day, but because it’s a curse, it doesn’t matter who delivers them or who sells them. There’d still be problems and delays either way. Meanwhile, he can let me know if I got anything from Mary.

It just dawned on me that I forgot to write about Blackie’s grand escape a few days ago. The crazy shit got out the front door which I’d forgotten to latch. I spotted her under the TV stand that Ciara had been propped up on and knew it’d be useless to try to coax her into a tube, cuz as soon as I lifted it up, she’d be flying out of it. She’s no different than a wild rat, I swear! Finally, she ran across the room to the cage. After a few minutes, I coaxed her to climb up and into the top of the cage.

Blackie’s the biggest of the nutjobs. The Spotless Ratsy’s a little better, then Little Ratsy’s, with The Carpet Rat being the bravest, although none of them are tame. They’d never let me handle them. At least not willingly.

Later…

As soon as any music starts, I’ll open the kitchen window to see if I can gauge its location. I sure as shit won’t have any lights on so no one sees me. Not only so I can see out there better, but so that if it is the renters, they can’t see that they got my attention enough to cause me to look out back, cuz that’d just egg them on all the more.

If it is them, why now? Is it someone who just moved in with them or who’s visiting? Or did they just get a new stereo?

We also talked about getting me a new foam bed in January and turning the king-size bed I use into a twin that we put side by side in the master bedroom. Then the only thing will be dealing with the snoring, but at least I won’t be able to feel him. We won’t use the same sheets/comforter.

I have mixed emotions about doing this. I mean, do I really need to feel “normal?” I certainly don’t desire sex, so I don’t know. We’ll see. I may never be able to adapt to the fucking snoring he does anyway. No matter what we do, I still want a new bed cuz this one’s sagging at the side. Even the waterbed was nicer than this bed.

His lack of concern for what I may or may not want sexually is amazing. Then again, if there’s any one subject – no two subjects – he never cared what I felt about, it’s sex and my wanting a kid in the past. As I told him, I can’t promise I’ll never fool around on the side with a woman (though I highly doubt it), but doesn’t he care? He seems so indifferent to the idea of it that it surprises me. The idea of me getting it on with Teddy Bear back when I thought she was a person of her word didn’t seem to concern him one bit. Maybe that’s because he knows we’re each other’s number one, and most guys don’t mind the idea of two women if it doesn’t totally turn them on big time. But I just didn’t think Tom was ever like most guys when it came to sex in the first place. His near-zero appetite is usually a woman’s thing. Maybe it’s more common than I think, but I don’t see how because while I’ve heard of those who can’t rise and of those who squirt prematurely, he’s the first case I’ve heard of who gets hard but doesn’t cum. I still think it was about impregnating me, but I’ll never know for sure. Had we continued on with the sex, I may’ve found out one way or the other once I hit menopause, but if we’ve gone this long without screwing, we’ll almost certainly never screw again. I think that would be awkward for both of us. I think we’re used to the way things have been, and personally, I prefer it this way. The only sex that appeals to me in my mind right now would be getting it on with Teddy Bear, but since that’s never going to happen, I’d just assume stay celibate. I’ll probably keep going with the celibacy indefinitely which is all I can do for a few reasons: I can’t make myself desire him sexually, I can’t make him make himself desire me sexually, and I don’t expect to ever meet another woman I’m attracted to that’s attracted to me too, that I actually end up getting together with. Besides, if we did, it’d only be once or twice.

I’m just so thankful I haven’t been like I was 4 or 5 years ago – always wanting sex and desperately wanting a kid. That was one of the most miserably depressing experiences I ever had to endure. A definite, definite curse. No doubt about it. I just don’t see how something like that could’ve “just happened” without a reason. I just hope to hell it never happens again.

I ask myself, the screwy sex life you guys used to have bothered you, so why doesn’t it bother you that your husband doesn’t desire you sexually these days? I guess the answer’s because one, the feeling’s mutual, and two, I don’t think it’s a case of him not desiring me personally. I think he has no desires. Period.