Tom, who left a couple of hours ago, is to stop at the PO before work. If the doll’s there, he’ll email me a little later on. I told him not to bother if it isn’t, but watch, he’ll go and email me anyway to get my hopes up for a second there.

Anyway, he thinks it’ll be there, but with their track record, I don’t think it will be. I’d say it’s more likely I’ll have mail from Mary. If I’m right and it isn’t there, then I’m not gonna know what to believe. Meaning, I won’t know if it’s the PO’s fault, or if it wasn’t yet shipped. I still don’t see why it’s such a big deal to send me the dolls I order within a week. It’s like – just grab the dolls off the shelf I ordered and deliver them to the fucking address we give you! Is that so hard? Obviously, it is, and this tells me it’s a curse. If it had been a few dolls every now and then, then I’d say it wasn’t, but every single fucking doll?

I can’t swear to it, but I might’ve finally heard from the renters last night. I’ve heard faint spurts of music the last couple of nights. Two nights ago, it was louder at the back of the house than at the front, and even louder at the utility end, telling me it couldn’t be the renters. It was probably at Dan’s. Last night when I heard music at 11:00, I looked out back and saw no lights at the renter’s. Again I assumed it was either the renters or someone else entirely. But when I heard it later on as late as 1:00, the front light was on at the renter’s. It dimmed for a sec as if someone was going to turn it off, then changed their mind, so I don’t know for sure where it was coming from or if it was from multiple sources or what. In the backwash of light, I couldn’t tell if anyone was hanging outside. Unfortunately, they have evaporative coolers, which means that if they do have a house stereo turned up, they can afford to let the sound out through open doors/windows.

Also, they seem to have changed schedules with the seasons. They seem to be asleep throughout most of the days, then out and about at night when it’s cooler like the blacks were. The Mexicans were round-the-clock people, but mostly night creatures. In the winter, 4 out of 5 times I looked out back, I’d see people. I’d still really like to get privacy hedges of some kind someday. They’re not only an eyesore, but they’re just too visible for me. If they didn’t have so much shit in their yard and they weren’t constantly hanging outside, then it wouldn’t matter as much, though they’d still be nice. The whole idea of living out here is to escape civilization. Well, if we ever do have an Arizona room or a pool someday, I don’t want to have to see people most of the time I go out. They’re a little close for comfort, though the people next door are closer and the house across the street will be even closer once it gets here. I guess the land’s still for sale in front.

I couldn’t stand to live in a place with no AC during the monsoons! And I’m sure they don’t have any AC. Just the EC and a furnace.

Tom brought up the idea of getting 4 small evaporative coolers next spring that you stick in your window just like with air conditioners. Well, it’d certainly save money, but it’d bring in the smell of horse shit. I know from Phoenix that evaporative coolers don’t filter outside smells. I remember smelling all the barbecues in the area as well as the orange blossoms. However, just like with most things we talk about getting for the house or doing with the land, I’m sure it’s just that – talk.

What I’m gonna make damn sure isn’t just talk is the fences we agreed we’d get in January. I’m sick of our yard being a regular playground for Maricopa’s dogs that no one cares about. It’ll be perfect timing too, since by the time they’re up, the kids in back will be getting to that age where they can play outside with less supervision and I don’t want them thinking our backyard belongs to them.

Tom’s so wrong when he says it’ll take a couple of weeks to put up. Even I know it’ll take more like a few months.

Tom and I are now thinking that he might make a large sitting doll to sit on the loveseat in the den. A couch, a chair and a loveseat are a bit much for two people, so why not let some dolls use the extra seating space? In contrast to the black velvet, I’d like him to make a blond doll with green or violet eyes. That is if he wouldn’t mind. If he wants to make an Indian with dark hair and eyes, he certainly can do so.

The more I think about it, the more I believe the outcome would’ve been the same with or without a confession. What fucked me over was pleading guilty, having Paul for a “lawyer” who was my enemy, having the wrong judge, and telling the interview lady that I wouldn’t fight whatever was dished out to me. That’s what got me. I should’ve refused to talk to the pigs, no matter how much they might’ve spited me for it, pled not guilty, and gotten a real lawyer. It’s just that I was determined not to spend any more money on the black bitch than necessary, but what did it matter? We were destined to spend thousands anyway, so why not a few hundred more? I had no way of knowing this at the time, though, of course.

Back when I was having a rough time dealing with Teddy Bear’s blowing me off, I broke down and prayed to God to let me get over her. Then I kicked myself for it and said to myself, are you crazy? When you gonna learn that he doesn’t give a damn?

Yet ironically enough, I haven’t been so hurt over her since. Is it a coincidence or not? I don’t know. I mean, what if I prayed for the sun to rise and set? Could I then say the sun rose and set because I asked him to have it do so? What if I asked him, God, please protect and always watch over my current/future perpetrators? Never let them get caught or pay for any wrong they may do me. But once again, that’s a done deal. So I don’t know about this prayer thing. Given how few prayers he’s granted me, I’d say it’s just a coincidence. I’m getting over her on my own.

The more I think about it, the more I don’t think I want to live in a retirement community in the future. We couldn’t have neighbors as bad as we did in Phoenix, and we may have no choice but to get into the city once we start getting older and the doctor’s office becomes a second home to us, but I know that the people next to us are going to be the ones to have their screaming grandkids over practically every day, not to mention the barking dogs.

Just jumped up to throw a few pieces of bread out for the quails, prairie dogs and bunnies.

I got up to 125 pounds again, so I began cutting my calories a few days ago. I’ve lost 4 pounds. The question now is, do I want to keep going? Or just eat my way back to 125, then lose it again?

It’s clouding up out there. We’re now entering the official monsoon season.

Later…

Still no email. I’m not surprised and I am so done with the mail-order dolls. So, so done with them. Just as soon as I somehow manage to get the 3 I’m waiting on and fighting for, they can keep their discounts and free shipping coupons.

On the first, I changed the tattered flag to the iris flag.

About 45 minutes ago, I spotted movement just across Ralston behind a big tree. Three kids were huddled under a big tree, obviously trying to hide. Assuming they were up to no good, and assuming they might start a fire with a joint or a cigarette, I went out front with the hopes of my presence causing them to move on. After a second I came back in, and sure enough, the kids moved on, heading on down past Meadow Green. One was high school age or close to it and the other two were around 8. They had a medium-large white dog with them, too.

Later…

No email. I’d say that if he hasn’t emailed me by now, I was right about the doll not being there. The question is, did the PO give her away or are they just not letting me have her? Was she even shipped? Maybe we should’ve used UPS after all since it’s not like I get dolls every day, but because it’s a curse, it doesn’t matter who delivers them or who sells them. There’d still be problems and delays either way. Meanwhile, he can let me know if I got anything from Mary.

It just dawned on me that I forgot to write about Blackie’s grand escape a few days ago. The crazy shit got out the front door which I’d forgotten to latch. I spotted her under the TV stand that Ciara had been propped up on and knew it’d be useless to try to coax her into a tube, cuz as soon as I lifted it up, she’d be flying out of it. She’s no different than a wild rat, I swear! Finally, she ran across the room to the cage. After a few minutes, I coaxed her to climb up and into the top of the cage.

Blackie’s the biggest of the nutjobs. The Spotless Ratsy’s a little better, then Little Ratsy’s, with The Carpet Rat being the bravest, although none of them are tame. They’d never let me handle them. At least not willingly.

Later…

As soon as any music starts, I’ll open the kitchen window to see if I can gauge its location. I sure as shit won’t have any lights on so no one sees me. Not only so I can see out there better, but so that if it is the renters, they can’t see that they got my attention enough to cause me to look out back, cuz that’d just egg them on all the more.

If it is them, why now? Is it someone who just moved in with them or who’s visiting? Or did they just get a new stereo?

We also talked about getting me a new foam bed in January and turning the king-size bed I use into a twin that we put side by side in the master bedroom. Then the only thing will be dealing with the snoring, but at least I won’t be able to feel him. We won’t use the same sheets/comforter.

I have mixed emotions about doing this. I mean, do I really need to feel “normal?” I certainly don’t desire sex, so I don’t know. We’ll see. I may never be able to adapt to the fucking snoring he does anyway. No matter what we do, I still want a new bed cuz this one’s sagging at the side. Even the waterbed was nicer than this bed.

His lack of concern for what I may or may not want sexually is amazing. Then again, if there’s any one subject – no two subjects – he never cared what I felt about, it’s sex and my wanting a kid in the past. As I told him, I can’t promise I’ll never fool around on the side with a woman (though I highly doubt it), but doesn’t he care? He seems so indifferent to the idea of it that it surprises me. The idea of me getting it on with Teddy Bear back when I thought she was a person of her word didn’t seem to concern him one bit. Maybe that’s because he knows we’re each other’s number one, and most guys don’t mind the idea of two women if it doesn’t totally turn them on big time. But I just didn’t think Tom was ever like most guys when it came to sex in the first place. His near-zero appetite is usually a woman’s thing. Maybe it’s more common than I think, but I don’t see how because while I’ve heard of those who can’t rise and of those who squirt prematurely, he’s the first case I’ve heard of who gets hard but doesn’t cum. I still think it was about impregnating me, but I’ll never know for sure. Had we continued on with the sex, I may’ve found out one way or the other once I hit menopause, but if we’ve gone this long without screwing, we’ll almost certainly never screw again. I think that would be awkward for both of us. I think we’re used to the way things have been, and personally, I prefer it this way. The only sex that appeals to me in my mind right now would be getting it on with Teddy Bear, but since that’s never going to happen, I’d just assume stay celibate. I’ll probably keep going with the celibacy indefinitely which is all I can do for a few reasons: I can’t make myself desire him sexually, I can’t make him make himself desire me sexually, and I don’t expect to ever meet another woman I’m attracted to that’s attracted to me too, that I actually end up getting together with. Besides, if we did, it’d only be once or twice.

I’m just so thankful I haven’t been like I was 4 or 5 years ago – always wanting sex and desperately wanting a kid. That was one of the most miserably depressing experiences I ever had to endure. A definite, definite curse. No doubt about it. I just don’t see how something like that could’ve “just happened” without a reason. I just hope to hell it never happens again.

I ask myself, the screwy sex life you guys used to have bothered you, so why doesn’t it bother you that your husband doesn’t desire you sexually these days? I guess the answer’s because one, the feeling’s mutual, and two, I don’t think it’s a case of him not desiring me personally. I think he has no desires. Period.